{ === + === }
So…I need to steal the Golden Claw.
First order of business, let's find the Riverwood Trader. Shouldn't be too hard to find, since everything's conveniently in English.
Lessee.
We look around for a shop with the logo of the scales…but mostly it's for a shop that has the words we're looking for.
Ah ha.
Thirty seconds later.
Riverwood's not a big place, the main road is straight and open and easy to observe against, and the Riverwood Trader is basically the biggest shop around here.
Alvor's smithy being directly across the street likely helped.
Anyhoo!
We enter the shop.
Let's see…that's…uh…what's his face. The shopkeeper. He's behind the counter chatting it up with a customer (of which the store has two or three) and the Golden Claw is literally sitting RIGHT THERE on the counter.
Judging by some of the words being tossed around the claw does quite a bit of good for his business. Not really surprised, to be honest.
We linger around for a little to play shopper.
Almost everything that would otherwise be shown by the shopping menu is on physical display…but everything is in barrels. Swords? In barrels. Beer? In barrels. Food? In barrels. Books? Barrels.
Barrels?
In bigger barr–no they sit by themselves. Sadly.
The shop has a large empty spot for all us humans to walk around and the barrels line the walls. It's pretty neat, all things considered.
"Ah! A new customer!" The shopkeeper says after finishing his conversation with his previous customer. "The name's Lucan, and welcome to the Riverwood Trader!" He laughs in a very approachable way. "Does anything catch your eye?" He lowers his voice conspiratorially. "Or would you prefer to see some of our more exclusive stock?"
"Like you have something like that." A customer replies and laughs along with Lucan. Must be a regular, since that sounded like an in-joke of theirs.
"So, what do you need?" Lucan grins and leans forward expectantly.
I should note that I have like no money. "I'm interested in that claw." I say and Lucan's friendly demeanor immediately drops. He leans forward on the counter to guard the claw. "Or, more accurately, I'm interested in the person who came looking for the claw before me."
"Oh, that Alvin guy?" Lucan sneers. "He came in here asking about the claw too. You with him?"
Also, pretty sure his name isn't Alvin, unless Arven has a brother.
Alvin the squeaky.
Eh, we know who he's talking about. "I'm always a step behind, sure." I theatrically sigh. "What'd he feed you to try and get the claw?"
Lucan grins. "Some tripe about him being an 'archeologist' or something." He straightens up and folds his arms. "I don't know about you, but last I checked no Dunmer ever walked around as anything other than a thief or a murderer." He scoffs.
Going by the lack of a raised eyebrow I see that that kind of thought isn't new around here.
"Not a very good thief if he's fed two different people the same lines." I theatrically mutter. "Though he's not entirely wrong about the claw having something to do with the Barrow."
"Oh really?" Lucan raises an eyebrow. "Do tell." He's skeptical, as he should be.
Thank god for unfair knowledge. "If I remember right, the court mage in Whiterun was looking for some artifact from Bleak Falls Barrow." I say seriously. "Last I checked, he thinks there's some chamber in the Barrow that can only be accessed by some kind of key."
"Oh really." Lucan says…but he sounds more serious this time despite being rather (understandably) doubtful.
"Obviously, he doesn't know what the key might be." I shrug. "Nobody knows what the key might be."
"Alvin did say this thing could unlock some mysterious, incredible power…" Lucan muses as he picks up the Dragon Claw. "And if it's as dangerous as you say it is, I better put it away."
…
Wait.
He puts it away underneath the counter.
No
Sir
Sir that is not the response I was looking for
"Good idea." Some of the other customers say and make my life harder.
Shit. Uh…"I…don't think that's such a good idea." I scratch my head. "Lucan, your shop has this claw as a centerpiece, right?"
Lucan nods. "Pride and joy."
Press the attack. "And Alvin's seen it already?"
"Salivated like a dog." Lucan agrees with pride.
"So if you put it away, people will talk." His sister…what's her face, gets my drift. "And sooner or later somebody will ransack the entire place for that claw."
"Yeah?" Lucan…is hostile, but he realizes this based on how the color's going into his face. "So what's your plan, Camilla?"
She looks at me.
Oh wait I'm supposed to have a plan "I'm worried that Alvin's going to do something drastic in order to get his hands on the claw."
"The treasure's that big?" A customer raises his eyebrow. He might go hunting for it.
Let's stop him from being dead.
"I don't think it's just a giant lump of gold." I scratch my head. "It could be a treasure room, but if a Court Mage wants it, then its value is probably political. So in that sense, if you can sell it to the right person…"
Let's see…
Lucan isn't really convinced, but Camilla is…um.
She's positively sparkling at the idea.
I seem to have failed spectacularly at my job.
"So your plan is…" Lucan says slowly.
I sigh. "I'm not selfless, so the only plan I can guarantee is that I try and obtain the treasure first. Everything else depends on more moving parts than I can influence."
"I hope you can understand why I'm slow to trust you." Lucan says wryly.
"I know." I nod. "Just keep in mind that people have their eyes on the claw." Sudden inspiration strikes me! "And that it would be a lot easier to deny the claw having to do with anything if you get someone to check first."
"I'll keep that in mind." Lucan nods slowly. "So…you gonna buy somethin'?"
…
In the end, I bought a small bolt of rough cloth, some sewing needles, and some thread to the tune of five coins.
Where did
The inn gave us a little extra coin for our firewood work.
Anyhoo…sewing!
…Well I mean he's not gonna give the claw to us so we might as well wait until later, right?
Ok, but why sewing?
Why not sewing? I wanna get my hands dirty with this double crafting growth thing, and I don't have a forge—Alvor isn't going to just step back from his day job just because we're around. So let's see how this works.
Ok.
So.
The cloth we're holding droops around our hands because it is too big to manipulate, and we're slightly blanking out on how to make it more workable.
…good thing Lucan threw in a knife with the needles or this would be really awkward. Lessee…material wise this is very rough cloth, so I'm probably going to make some bags out of these…
I make bags just by sewing two pieces of cloth together, right? With the bottom part of one piece extended over for support?
This is like 3d modeling 101, figuring out how to make believable crates and barrels again.
I know, right?
Well, let's cut some cloth and start playing with it. See what happens.
So we do. We find a nice spot to sit and start fiddling with cloth to see if we can make a bag.
...
Finish!
I don't have a good track of time, but the sky was blue before and it's still blue now, so it didn't take me the whole day. It probably took me like ten minutes, let's be honest.
So…hmm. This bag has about the container space of my hand. That is, I can put my hand in it and nothing else.
So we made a wallet?
Or else a very thin mitten. Let's see…ah.
We give the wallet a little tug and it comes apart rather fluidly at the seams.
Well, no surprises there. I need stronger thread if I'm going to make anything worth keeping. My knot procedure is also atrocious.
Hmm…in terms of the actual building procedure…
…Although I had no idea what the hell I was doing, when I was actually getting my hands dirty, it felt like I had a little idea of what I was doing.
Um.
It's a little hard to explain. It's simultaneously the feeling that you're just bullshitting…and the feeling that somehow, some way…the bullshitting makes perfect sense.
I'm attributing this strange feeling to the Perk. Either way, we need to play with it more.
…
Two hours pass. Many people see us sewing and unsewing our pieces of cloth and watch with worried interest before going on their way again. In particular, one woman lingers towards the end of those two hours and waits until we finish.
…
Whew. Two hours later, I think I've gotten surprisingly good at this. Can I see my skills window?
…no, no I can't AGH
Text springs before us without warning. Text and pictures.
Oh god that was terrifying
Um
Uh
We take a moment to calm down and study what just popped up before us.
…Huh. There are multiple skill lists. Is this organized in any way?
We take a closer look at one of the lists and frown.
…what is this, Rune Factory?
Literally the first skill on the list: Breathing.
At…
…12? Just twelve. No skill level or whatever. No experience bar, either.
So I'm 12 in breathing. I don't know what to make of that.
But um…that aside, there's also skills for walking, jumping, looking, side-glancing, laughing, talking…
…we're just going to skip that list entirely because it's annoying.
Breathing: it is an annoyance.
No kidding. Lessee…the skills I care about…
I have sewing, but the display is graphical rather than numerical so I have no idea what the fuck I'm looking at.
It's a hexagon display, but none of the points are labeled and there's no indication of progress or anything.
What does the shape look like?
It's a hexagon with two of the six points jutting out. Without context I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at.
Who designed this UI, anyways?
We sigh visibly after dealing with a very invisible screen in our head.
In any event, this bag is looking pretty good.
We give our finished product—a coarse cloth wallet—a strong tug. It doesn't budge.
Sturdy enough to hold fifty coins. I think. I guess. I have no reason to believe this estimate.
So.
We turn our attention to the lady who's been watching us the entire time.
I think she's Lucan's sister. "What do you need?"
"You're quite focused on your sewing." She smiles. "I'm impressed. Not many men sit around working with clothing in broad daylight."
"The perks of being poor." I stretch because the ground is hard and I've been sitting for a while. "I'm assuming you didn't stop just to make conversation. I'm Ash."
She nods. "Camilla; and you're correct." Camilla produces from a knapsack…
Well.
My eyebrows go up. "I assume you didn't just sneak out with it?"
"You seem to assume quite many things." She quips. "No, Lucan changed his mind."
…I can't help but feel like 'changing his mind' isn't one of Lucan's few personality traits.
"Seriously." She insists after catching my eyes.
…welp, gift horses don't need dentistry and all that. "Ok…" Hm. Judging by her body position she's not about to give the claw up. "…you're going too, aren't you."
Camilla grins wide.
Oh fuck™.
…
So we're not going to convince her to, y'know, not go?
To what end? She has the claw, we kind of need the claw, if we try to talk her out of it she'll just go home with said claw, and then we'll have to wait for Aria to do this quest like a sensible human being, and I'm not into being sensible.
…plus, if worst comes to worst having a scapegoat would help in the art of getting the hell out of dodge.
Also there's the chance of Arven robbing their shop blind in search of the claw if we call this off, so avoiding that is also in our best interest, and we can use an extra pair of eyes. Plenty of plusses with no real minuses to have her along.
Anyhoo, we find Arven chilling at the inn we resided in.
"I see you have made a new friend." Arven says politely as the two of us strides over to his table.
There's like four tables in total.
It's not a big place…so technically everyone should also know each other.
Hmm. A little bit problematic if that's actually the case. Means we can't use Camilla as a scapegoat and get away with it (easily).
"Since she's the owner of the claw, it only makes sense for her to tag along." I shrug. "Nothing dangerous to an archeological survey, so there shouldn't be any problems."
Arven isn't too happy that the lie(?) boomeranged on him like this, but he's experienced enough to play along without skipping a beat. "Indeed, my colleagues and I have the place properly surveyed up to the entry point." He says politely. "So there should be no unexpected dangers."
Ahem. Buuullshiiiit~~
But I have to pretend. "Excellent." I rub my hands together. "So when do we leave?"
"Right now, actually." Arven tosses some coins on the table and stands. "This trip has been postponed due to this little endeavor, and I can't tell you how happy I am that it's been solved." He says, in a tone that suggests he was anything but happy about all of this.
I get the feeling he's gonna gut us as soon as we leave Riverwood.
I need to hire some hands.
How about that wood elf archer stalking us rather conspicuously?
Or the bard who's definitely not barding because he's too busy listening?
…
We follow Arven and head towards the Riverwood Bridge. Since Riverwood is bigger than it is in game, the road to the bridge is also consequently a little longer. It takes us somewhere around three minutes to arrive at the bridge rather than the game time of instantly.
Two sets of footsteps behind us tell us of stragglers.
"I see we're being followed." Camilla sighs.
"I don't recognize them." Arven says after a cursory glance over his back. "If they're friends of yours, you are responsible for them. I already have my own expedition to run." He says, managing to sound rather apologetic.
Welp.
We wheel around.
That's Sven the Bard and God Knows Who the Archer Elf. They seem to be slightly packed for travel.
I could use the help. "If you're gonna follow, keep up!" I call out.
Sven's unarmed save for his instrument, and Archer Elf has brought a small bag along with his bow and arrows…and a knife.
He's boyfriend material in Skyrim, it looks like.
"Who are you and what do you plan to do with Camilla?" Sven hisses as soon as he catches up. Camilla's gone and went ahead by a few steps so we, the three stooges, can discuss boy things.
Or something.
"We're going up to Bleak Falls Barrow." I say conversationally. "So the two of you are coming along?"
"Why there?" The elf huffs. "Isn't it just an old burial site?"
"It's not just any burial site, Faendal." Sven snaps at him. "It's a proud Nord to be interred there."
"Right." Faendal doesn't give a fuck.
"Well…" So I know Camilla's listening in because I'm pretty sure her eyeroll could be felt across the continent. "I know the two of you have your eyes on the lady up there."
They practically stop short.
"How do you know that?" Sven demands a little shakily.
Faendal is a little better at owning up. "I-yes, yes I do."
Camilla stops as well. We have turned to walk backwards and thus do not see this.
"So I want the both of you along on this trip." I grin, and then frown. "If only because I'm damn sure Arven has something up his sleeve."
Wups.
We walk into someone.
"What's this about?" Camilla inquires in a curious tone.
"My bad." I say as an apology. "The two of them like you. Pretty sure they wrote letters too."
Oh-hohohoh WOW they went pale.
You know, the one thing I disliked about their sidequest was that it was impossible to tell her that both of these guys were assholes, like "hey so you know the two guys? They're trying to lie about each other to you" and have her just be like "ok well fuck both of 'em" in a strictly nonsexual manner.
You can steal both of their fake letters in game, but it still resolves as if you gave her one of the fake notes first rather than the sensible third option of "fuck 'em".
"I'd be interested to read those letters." Camilla smirks.
"W-well, um…" Sven hurriedly changes the subject. "Bleak Falls Barrow isn't too far from here, so we should arrive in about an hour."
Faendal also changes the subject. "What's this about Arven not being trustworthy?"
"Dude's got 'liar' written all over his face." I shrug. "I won't be surprised if something happens up there, so keep on your guard." Funny how my judgment is entirely not based around Arven's character and not about him being a Dunmer.
And funny how literally nobody will believe you.
…
Anyhoo, as we're walking…
Sven's basically Nord Man A. Blond hair, strong build despite his bardic prowess…y'know, standard.
Faendal is…I have to admit I've never really paid attention to the elves in Skyrim, because the whole "let's make the people more real" business is incredibly boring to me, and because any elves I mod in invariably would be of an incredibly fair-skinned and…makeup'd, demeanor.
Also they're 100% women. Incredibly busomy women.
I love busomy women.
Faendal otherwise looks very physically fit, and the way he's scanning the surroundings makes me think he knows how to use that bow. Makes sense, since he gives you archery training if you side with him on his side quest. He probably hunts as a hobby.
Camilla…is what I expect from a non-Aria lady of Skyrim, I think.
Like, she's pretty, and her build is very lean and mean. Like she can probably throw down with a bear and…well, I don't think she'd win, but she could give the bear a run for his money. But she doesn't give off the sense of 'pretty' that the modded women tend to have. Y'know, all curvy and touched up and glossy n'shit.
Her appearance is probably common for a lot of women who live in these smaller villages, come to think of it. Like…they put their energies into getting the more practical things for life. I imagine the women who visit the Cloud Top District very often might be more plushy, since they wouldn't worry as much about basic sustenance.
Plushy?
Yes, plushy. Now shush.
We take an hour to travel to the fort guarding the entrance towards Bleak Falls Barrow.
Unlike the game (where the tower is populated by bandits), there are two villagers here.
"Going up to the Barrow, Sven?" Villager A (armed with a greatsword) asks.
"With my new friends." Sven replies cheerily. "We're going up with Arven."
We are in no way his friends.
Sven's a good dude. Just kinda useless. Not that I'm one to talk.
Also, Arven has been walking in front of us the entire time, just barely too far for us to make conversation, but not far enough where he would seem to be isolated.
Well now he's beside us, so that's moot.
"Finally got your way in, huh?" Villager B grins and I just realized that if I'm not being directly told about them being Bandits in game I would have no way to tell if they were Bandits until they were close enough to attack.
Also known as if this was a trap I would have just walked into it.
"With her permission." Arven says evenly. "How's the weather?"
"The snow's died down some." Villager? A says. "If you want to make a move, now's the time."
Ominous.
"Yes." Arven nods…and hurries up the hill. "Come on, we should go before it gets dark." He says distractedly.
…I'm a little disappointed, not gonna lie. I kinda expected a fight.
You would have died. Besides, they knew Sven.
Still disappointed. Also Sven's a bard who plays at inns, of course they would know him.
Anyway, we follow the trio up the path for another twenty minutes, where the ground gets progressively slushier and snowier, until we come to the behemoth of a structure that is Bleak Falls Barrow.
I wish I wore more clothing.
We have turned our bindle into a waist wrap.
Still wish I wore more.
Everyone else is pretty ok with the weather.
I grew up on heaters lay off jeez
Arven's literally exposing his arms.
I have a sewing kit. What more do you want from me?
…
As a group, we hurry up the grandiose stone stairs and come to the entrance to the Barrow. Without another word, Arven opens the door and enters.
We follow along.
So. First impressions…
One: it's a lot darker here than it is in-game.
Two: there's no guy dead due to Skeevers.
We go a little deeper.
Rubble and collapsed columns aside…it's not bad.
We come to the campfire, where six Bandits(?) clad in armors of fragmented leathers and furs are huddled around, drinking some kind of soup.
"The prodigal asshole finally returns!" The large, bearded one of the group laughs when Arven (who's leading the group) walks into the campfire's light. "We're about to die of old age, waiting for you out here!"
"Apologies, but it took longer than I thought to get people to trust me." Arven the Dark Elf smirks.
He gets a few laughs from the group.
Beard gulps down the rest of whatever's actually in his bowl and sets it down. "Alright, we're ready to leave whenever."
Note how they're basically ignoring us…except the woman bandit.
"You lot." She says/commands. "The insides of the Barrows are dangerous. Don't touch anything if you want to keep your fingers."
"Understood." Sven gulps.
True to their archeological image, she's wearing mage robes…but it's badly tattered and barely holding together. Underneath is her armor.
Hmm.
Pretty sure that makes them bandits, but for some rather obvious reasons I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
They quickly clear the camp, grab torches, and head down deeper into the Barrow.
Hoo boy it's dark down here.
Fortunately, the enclosed space means the light has plenty of room to dance around and create terrifying shadows in the corners.
I'm not fond of horror games. I didn't like mods that made Skyrim darker. Not least because they made the game fucking impossible to play and that games designed with a specific lighting in mind can't really handle fundamental presentation changes
We're ranting because we're scared. Unlike the four of us, the rest of the group seems to be in good spirits.
They must have made this part of the journey before.
What was the first difficulty of the Barrows again?
We round the corner.
Oooh right.
There's a room lit by skylights, holes that lead to the outside. Inside the room are three heads, each head with a carving in its opened mouth. One of the heads has fallen onto the stone floor and is surprisingly still mostly intact (likely because the floor is not as stone as the head). To our left is a set of (probably rotating) obelisks with carved images of snake, eagle, and whale.
In the middle of the room is a lever, and across from us is an iron gate.
So in-game, did Arven close the gate after going through it?
Hmm.
"Here we are boys, the first challenge." Beard grins. "Shouldn't be too difficult, aye?"
We get one foot into the room and
"I got this." Bandit B says confidently…is he the dumbass that ju
He strides confidently up to the lever and puts his arms (and weight) behind it. The rest of the party hurriedly backs off into the hallway.
Oh yes he's that one fucking hell
We charge forward.
As Dumbass throws the lever, we tackle his shins and send him flat onto the ground. He lands on me. Heavy fucker.
Pewpewpewpewpew
Poisoned darts fly over our head for some time, then ceases. The lever also returns to its original position.
"You moron!" Beard yells, walks in, and drags Dumbass up to his feet. "You could've gotten all of us killed!"
Fun fact: if you attack Dumbass in game (before he script-throws the switch and dies) he actually has a ton of health.
"Whatever happened to not touching anything?" I wheeze and let Arven pull me up. "Jesus."
"Um…I…" Dumbass looks dumbfounded. "Jeez, boss, I'm sorry, I just thought-"
"You leave the thinking to us." Beard cuts across him. "And don't do that shit again, or I'll cut your neck myself." He then turns to me. "Thank you for what you did back there. That took guts."
"If I'm gonna die due to stupidity I'd rather it be my own." I laugh nervously. "You ok?" I ask Dumbass, who nods.
"Alright, so as I was about to say…" Arven sighs. "This room has a puzzle."
All of us look at the stone heads, look at the obelisks, and look at the stone heads again.
A minute of rotating some rather heavy obelisks later.
"Sovngaard would've laughed you back to the living if you died back there, brother." Bandit NPC laughs at Dumbass.
We've crossed the oh-so-difficult puzzle after playing with the obelisks. For bonus credit we made Dumbass throw the switch a second time just to see him sweat.
Point of note: the obelisks, while turnable, required a fair amount of strength. It took me and Sven working together, putting our entire body weight on the pillar, for it to actually start turning. If I came here alone or with Jake I'm pretty sure we'd be exhausted before we got to the fighting sections.
Anyway, we have crossed the threshold…and we see a chest before us.
"Ka-ching." Arven says, showing off his greedier side for the first time since we've met him. He quickly scopes the chest for traps and, likely not finding any, pops it open.
"Anything good?" Beard asks him.
"Nah." Arven ruffles through what sounds like paper. "Just this." He brings out a small red stone…then tosses it back into the chest. "Nothing of worth."
It was a ruby. I could've held onto that and forgotten about it in my inventory!
Arven is likely holding onto his façade of being an archeologist rather than a looter.
"Right, well…let's keep going." Beard says. He sights some forgotten torches sitting on a shelf and pulls them down. It helps significantly.
Anyway, we keep going and hit a spiral staircase…and then we hear skittering.
"Skeevers." Beard says. "You two." He gestures to a pair of Bandits armed with short swords. "Front and center."
"Aye." The SS brothers acknowledge, pull swords, arm shields, and go down the staircase carefully.
With Beard and the rest of us providing ample light, we descend without much issue…and then the Skeevers attack.
One of them springs up from underneath the stairs—where we have no light—and bites SS1 on the shin…and then jerks.
SS1, with a cry of pain and surprise, has his center of gravity completely shaken and falls to the ground. Another Skeever lunges for his face and latches onto his nose.
The Skeever (and his friend) then shriek in surprise and pain as two arrows pierce into their sides.
The Face Skeever, with a hiss, releases his bite and looks up at the staircase, where Faendal puts another arrow straight into his skull.
The Shin Skeever retreats back into the darkness under the staircase, but SS2 has already jumped down and plunges his sword into the Skeever.
We hear more skittering coming from deeper in the Barrow.
SS2 blocks the bottom section of this stairway entrance—a door two people wide—with his shield. He holds off the Skeevers for a few swings until SS1 gets his footing.
The two of them then wall up and dispatch the remaining three Skeevers without much issue.
"Cripes." SS1 seethes, having dropped to one knee as soon as the fight ended. "Little buggers have sharp teeth."
Another bandit takes out some cloth from a bag he has and wraps it around SS1's bleeding shin. He then gives a small vial to SS1 who downs it in one gulp.
"Can you walk?" Beard asks him.
SS1 hops to his feet and gingerly tests his weight. "I'm going to be pretty useless for a few minutes." He determines. "But I'll manage."
"Good shot back there." The lady bandit claps Faendal on the back. "You have some good eyes."
"I hunt Skeevers around Riverwood all the time." Faendal boasts a little. "Compared to a shot in the undergrowth this is nothing." If I didn't know better I'd say he was shooting Wamp Rats.
"Yeah?" Beard grins. "You can teach our guys a thing or two about handling a bow." He gestures to the last remaining bandit and the medical bandit (both bow armed). "They can't hit a target to save their life!"
Some light laughter to take the edge off of the adrenaline.
We have now exited the staircase to the…um…
It's the room with an embalming table and fireball scroll. There are shelves lining the walls.
We go about looting the place and come out with the fireball scroll and an Iron Dagger, which I take.
"About time our little hero got some iron." Beard says approvingly, because so far we've been decidedly unarmed.
Except for the Imperial Sword, which, as far as Beard was concerned, is just a little toy and therefore didn't count. I had a dagger from Helgen earlier, didn't I?
It was misplaced in the inn and lost.
We then reform and proceed to move on…and then we hear more skittering. Of a decidedly less mammalian nature.
"Spiders." Beard grunts and hefts his two handed axe.
True to his prediction, Frostbite Spiders start pouring out of the woodwork.
Two of them.
Pouring, I say!
Beard and Woman Bandit (both with heavy two handed weapons) cut the spiders down before they can do much beyond look spidery.
But we still hear skittering.
"Spiders must've made their lair in here." Beard grunts. "Let's go."
Cue montage of us killing spiders until we die of old age.
Again with the hyperbole.
They're on the walls, on the ceilings, on the ground…they're not spewing poisonous vomit at us, which is nice.
Still, nothing we can't handle, and soon enough the rest of the spiders have retreated into the shadows.
Rest of the spiders?
They come in all sizes, and only the large, shin-height ones were aggressively attacking. Smaller, normal, hand-sized spiderbabies stay out of our way.
"I don't like the look of this." Beard grunts.
We come to the Spider Room.
Or rather, we hit the hallway right next to it. This is the place where, in-game, you would've heard Arven shout for help. 'Course, Arven is with us now, so that's not really a possibility.
"Archers." I say suddenly, making everyone jump. "Eyes to the ceiling."
"What's on the ceiling?" Faendal mutters as he scans said ceiling warily.
"More giant fucking spiders." I mutter back, also scanning the ceiling warily.
The ceiling is very rock and solid…but we can all tell that the adjacent room has an ominously large hole in said ceiling.
"Let the archers deal with the ceiling." Beard grunts. "Everyone else keep your eyes on the ground."
We cautiously enter the room.
Heere deathy deathy deathy…
Oh fuck
The Giant and very much so not wounded Giant Frostbite Spider drops from the ceiling without making so much as a sound. It immediately vomits webs onto us before we have time to react.
Super oh fuck
Faendal, along with the SS brothers and Beard, dive out of the way. The rest of us get hit with the web.
"Focus on the damned spider!" Beard roars and charges said spider with his axe.
This web is making me queasy.
It's probably poisoned.
Probably.
We tear at it with our dagger and sword combo and get some of it off.
Beard puts his axe into the Spider's side, causing it to screech. Also spiders really should not screech because it is terrifying.
A smaller spider sneaks up behind Beard, but one of the archers (probably Faendal) snipes it dead.
Spiderboss, in retaliation to Beard's axe, smacks him with one of its barbed and armored legs (fuck evolution), drawing blood and likely poisoning Beard.
Beard backs off a little, letting the SS Brothers shield-charge into the giant spider, sending it back a pace.
The spider then pukes thread again. I think thread is supposed to come from a spider's rear side, but obviously this guy didn't get the message. The web entangles SS1.
The thread is also quite different, as SS1 can't seem to break free…
So what are we doing at a time like this?
We, like Sven and Camilla, are spectating.
I mean c'mon we all have knives and can literally do jack shit.
Sven's a fucking bard with no bardic skills. Skyrim needs bard skills.
Anyways.
Spiderboss got tied up by SS1 long enough for SS2 to intercede and drive his sword into its eye(s). The hit causes the spider to break its connection to its threads, so SS1 (who was tugging furiously at said threads) sudden loses his balance and falls on his ass.
Spiderboss shrieks again, and this time it
One of its legs snaps forward and strikes Beard with incredible speed and force.
Ok are spiders allowed to do that?
I mean I know small spiders and spiders move like they're twitching but I'm pretty sure that kind of movement goes out the window when you're, y'know, big.
The hit on Beard causes the spider's barbs to sink deep into his leg, and the spider, as if sensing itself latch onto its prey, turns on Beard and swings one of its other clawed legs down onto Beard's shoulder.
The singular thing on the end of a spider's limb is a claw right?
Beard goes "You fucker!" and latch onto the clawed leg with his hand (impaling his palm on the leg's barbs in the process). He then begins hacking away at the leg like it was firewood.
Also, maybe we should get a fucking move on before the spiders decide to eat us.
Again, do what? We have no combat skill.
The archers put three more arrows into spiderboss and it screeches at them.
WELP
We throw our dagger at the giant spider.
It digs into spiderboss's back and does nothing else of note. Go team!
Beard, after three hacks, take spiderboss's leg apart and falls back a pace due to how hard he swung.
"Bastard's got guts." Beard seethes and pulls the leg out from his shoulder.
"Let me see that." Sven says of Beard's shoulder. He knows Lay on Hands, doesn't he.
Sven puts his hand on Beard's shoulder and begins channeling in a bright light.
Beard's wounds close and yeah he knows Lay on Hands. Fun.
We are objectively the least useful member of the team.
Except maybe Arven.
…Where is Arven?
Camilla gives a surprised gasp as the strap of her bag (the bag with the Golden Claw) is suddenly cut.
THERE HE IS.
Arven just took Camilla's purse. Before any of us have the time to spare (because spiderboss is still alive) he takes off at a run towards the webbed hallway on the other side of the room.
He breaks through the webbing and keeps going.
He gets stuck in canon, no? Then again, he's fighting the spider in canon.
"That ASSHOLE!" Beard screams at Arven's retreating figure. Meanwhile, SS1 and 2 have found the spiderboss's sweet spot in front of its face and were hacking away at it like nobody's business.
Spiderboss goes down after they lay it on him a few more times. Beard, likely dealing with his rage, takes his two handed axe and cleaves spiderboss's head from the rest of its body.
"If we hurry, we can catch up to him." Lady bandit reassures Beard.
"Aye." Beard hoists his axe. "I'm going to murder that traitor." He growls.
"I don't like this." SS1 mutters. "Whatever's in there, he's going to get them riled up just in time for us to fight them."
…he's pretty right about that.
"Then let's take things slow." I suggest.
"He's going to get away if we plod about." Beard snaps. "I haven't spent weeks camping out here just for a Dumner to leave with the spoils."
"You were here for weeks?" Camilla notes with surprise. "What for?"
"Because it was a fun time." Beard snarks. "What do you think it was for?"
"My point is." I say clearly, raising my voice to stop any further distractions. "Where is he going to run to?"
"He's going to get the treasure, you moron!" Beard isn't having any of my bullshit.
But I have some very good bullshit. "Yeah. Then what?"
Moment of silence as the party comes to comprehension.
That said, the Barrows does have a back exit, so maybe we shouldn't celebrate Arven's lack of a head too early.
"Now let's take it nice and slow." I say after everyone had enough time to feel a little stupid. "If there are more threats in there, no point letting them know we're around."
…
So with that out of the way, Sven heals up the rest of the dudes as much as he's able. Magicka regeneration isn't nearly as fast here as it is in game, I guess…or else patching up damage takes longer than just a few seconds.
Either way, Beard's got a nasty looking gash on his arm that doesn't look like it'll heal for a while.
Archer bandit bandages it up after Sven's Lay On Hands.
After our healing session, we take a short rest then set off deeper into the Barrows.
The short rest took about twenty seconds.
Yeah…turns out resting next to a giant spider corpse isn't all that restful. Who knew?
Either way, we set off again.
So I should mention at this point that the Barrow is pretty large, especially now that we're arriving at the place where all of the Draugur are…uh, presented.
Like seriously at least put in a drape or something.
Anyways the hallways are a lot wider than the game implied (in that all nine of us can walk side by side with no problems) and it's a lot dimmer. No convenient torches to light our way, and no convenient sky lights descending down this deep into the mountainside.
It's taken us about two minutes to go from the giant spider location to the first instance of the Draugurs.
Hmm…
Lady Bandit, who's leading the pack, raises her hand suddenly.
Stop signal.
So we stop right before rounding the corner.
"I don't know what's going on." She says, sounding quite afraid. "But the dead walk again."
…Going by the group's scoff, nobody believes her.
Until they see the oh wow that's terrifying
Until they see the beady, ice blue eyes floating disconcertingly in the air because we can't see their actual bodies.
So…yeah. Hadvar may be on to something when he said he was afraid of the Draugur.
"Damn that Arven." Beard seethes. "He must've known that this would happen."
I don't know. Even in canon the dude wasn't too good at planning ahead.
…So what do we do now?
We sit and observe the blue glowing eyes for a little bit longer until…
We hear the sound of a metallic thwack somewhere in the darkness. Like the loving hand of god bitchsmacking a face so hard its owner had to go back home to explain exactly what happened.
…in retrospect I can see this not being nearly as funny after we see Arven's mangled body.
"What was that?" Lady Bandit whispers upon hearing the thwack. All of the floating Draugur eyes turn to trace the source of the sound.
"That was Arven getting his just desserts." I grin. "I don't think we can cross this area without tangling with the Draugur. Does anybody know some light spells?" I point that last question at Sven.
"Or else more torches." Beard growls.
For the record, Camilla's at the rear of the group and she has our only lit torch (we snuffed the rest for stealth).
"Or else more torches." I agree. "But I think magelight would be less restrictive."
"I can do that." Sven says. "It's the part of a bard to be able to release some dancing lights."
He's way more useful than me. "Ok." I nod. "Weapons out, and prepare to engage. Whenever you're ready, Sven, release your lights."
Sven concentrates for a moment and creates two balls of light of the sticky variety. He then tosses them high into the air, where they stick onto the rocky pillars and walls and illuminate the combat area.
Like the game, we're looking at a relatively open area, though with more pillars than just two, as befitting a locale with roughly twenty active undead…
Also they all totally see us throwing up lights. Though, I have to admit, the Draugur are way less scary when they're entirely visible.
"Strike!" Beard roars, and throws himself into battle.
…
So as it turns out, Draugur aren't all that good in the longevity department. Whatever was responsible for allowing the Draugur to move certainly didn't bless them with increased health, since Beard's first few swings took him through the Draugur limbs like they didn't exist.
…
With no time at all, the bandit group viciously mauls their way through the Draugur group.
The good thing about fighting Draugur is that they drop ancient weapons, which…are really blunt and undermaintained, but better than nothing. This is worth noting, because our weapons actually deteriorate in combat…case in point, The shields of the SS brothers have been badly damaged, and Beard's axe head is separated from its body.
To that end, we're looting the newly corpsed corpses.
So now we have two ancient nord axes and an ancient nord sword.
"Not good in a fight, but quite good when it comes to taking things that aren't yours." Beard smirks. "Are you sure you're not just a thief in disguise?"
"If I were I wouldn't tell ya." I grin right back.
So why the axes?
I wanted more things to throw. I think that's going to be my thing. Throwing weapons.
…
With all the Draugur down and no more rising up, we can advance forward again.
Which we do, and we come to the…ew.
Arven's corpse is a little bit mangled by the giant steel spiked wall trap (the one that swings forward and slaps your everything) and he's…uh…stuck to said trap.
It is, sadly, not the silly "Bethesda physics" type of stuck, but the…um…real type of stuck.
…judging by the bones littered at the bottom of the trap, he's not the first, and likely not the last.
"Light." I say (somebody gives me a torch) and then crouch down close to the floor…yeah.
The trap isn't too hard to spot, fresh Arven blood aside.
"Should be pretty obvious." I say and gesture to the raised block of stone. "Don't touch this."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Beard agrees, raises his foot…then stops. "That's not the only trap, is it?" He asks suddenly.
We look up, look around, and realize that…yes, a half-square-foot block of raised stone in the middle of like a twenty foot wide hallway would make for a terrible trap. I think I see at least three more triggers on the ground.
Sigh, and all that. "I don't feel like mapping out this entire hallway." I gingerly back away and take the long way around to reach the spiked grate itself.
"What are you doing?" Beard asks cautiously.
The entire party has now backed away out of smack range.
Hmm…
We examine the hinges with the help of our torch.
The hinges are rusty but obviously operational. There are two of them, and they seem to be rather sturdy.
'Rather' being the keyword. "Beard, come here a sec."
Beard of course doesn't know that's what I'm calling him, and it takes him a minute to understand that he's the one we're calling for.
Likely because he's not the only guy with a beard.
"What do you want?" He asks rather sullenly.
"Destroy these hinges." I order him and point to the rusted and rather large hinges.
Beard was a little bit doubtful. "Huh?"
"I figured you were really good at hitting things." I say with zero shame. "So hit this thing as hard as you can."
"You'll wake up all the Draugur by doing that." Faendal warns…rightly, I should add.
"Beats getting killed by a stupid trap." Beard grins, and slams his axe into the hinges.
…
Well, I mean…it's dark out, so…
He missed and also made a very loud noise.
"Second time's the charm." Beard laughs nervously and slams his axe home.
He hits, but the hinge doesn't budge.
"Stubborn son of a bitch." Beard growls at the inanimate object and hacks into it with his axe a few more times.
The top hinge (or a piece of it, it's too dark to tell) pops off with a "ping!" and the entire contraption dips sideways.
"Hey Sven." I call out. "Step on one of the pressure plates, will ya?"
Sven's response is a very understandably-in-disbelief "what?!"
There is the shuffling of feet.
Likely everybody else moving out of the way.
"Or else take one of the ancient axes we got and slam it into a pressure plate. I'm not fussy." I add.
"Oh…fine." Sven sighs and backs up.
With the help of Camilla's torch he ahahaha the fuck kinda form is that
Sven's swings the nord twohander axe with his butt jutting waaay out.
He hits the plate though, and the trap…groans, moves a quarter of the way rather haphazardly, and then the bottom hinge snaps off. So the entire contraption collapses to the ground with a crash loud enough to wake all of the dead.
"Alright, move!" I laugh (because I am very scared). "Kill the damn Draugur before they can walk upright!"
…
…
Strangely enough it goes exceedingly well.
This last section of graves has Draugur, but they were barely up, so we had enough time to rush and maul them down before it turned into an actual fight.
Total kills: 15.
Also this place is way bigger than I remembered. I mean, in terms of the number of obstacles faced.
We advance down the side path leading to this strangely snowed-in area in the middle of the dungeon.
The place with the bridge and oh my god I forgot about real life physics.
"Careful." Beard warns us as we come to the rock bridge covered by snow next to a running waterfall. "It's slippery."
The SS brothers drag the female Draugur corpse—they killed it like a minute ago—and slide it onto the bridge like a…what do you call it, that sport with the target ring drawn in the ice and you have to slide cats into it or something.
The sport of Curling, as Google helpfully told us when we searched for "that sport where you slide things on ice into targets".
Yeah, that. The corpse has proven conclusive to ice that the bridge is iced over to hell and back.
The corpse has also fallen down into the pit beneath the bridge, where I believe skeletons are alive down there.
"Sven, throw a magelight down there." I order him.
He shrugs and does as he's told. The magelight reveals the Draugur corpse floating in the water and a unit of around two Skeletons.
Faendal and the bandit archer-offs said Skeletons in a flash, and we go back to our regularly scheduled programming of how to not die to a bridge.
…
And the solution is…?
We axed the ice and cleared the snow, and we crossed without issue. We had to hug the bridge and cross on all fours, but still we crossed without issue.
We are, however, all now cold, wet, and miserable.
"I hate this place." Beard growls as we continue deeper. "I hate everything about this place."
We arrive at the set of hallways with the flaming pots and the conveniently placed ground oil.
The destructible objects tutorial, really.
"Ugh." Faendal wrinkles his nose. "What is this smell?"
…
…This smells like gasoline.
Like…this is legit gasoline.
"I don't know and I don't like it." Sven says in disgust. "Where's this smell coming from?"
Why is there gasoline in Skyrim?
Does gas burn like this? We never found out.
"Probably the glowy stuff on the floor." I mutter. "Hang on."
We scoop some of the liquid into an empty vial—an ex-health potion—for future use.
"Look alive." Beard warns as more Draugur round the corner.
"Put a torch to this thing." I say. "Or else shoot those hanging pots." I add upon actually seeing said hanging pots (so it wouldn't sound weird).
Faendal and Bandit Archer do as told, and
FUCK
The explosion from the two pots of explosives plus the road of gasoline knocks us all off our feet.
Ok, yeah. I probably should have considered that.
…my ears are ringing again.
Ugh.
"That was a terrible idea." Faendal says, but nobody hears him.
It takes us a good five minutes and one round of healing potions before we can hear again.
"Was that meant for the Draugur, or for us?" Beard sighs after we've all properly regained our senses. "I hate traps."
"I think it's less about the explosive and more about our tight quarters." I rub my poor poor ears. "Still, we should be coming up to the end soon."
"How can you possibly know that?" Sven asks incredulously.
I just scowl at him. "Because the alternative sucks."
"Hear hear." Woman Bandit laughs bitterly. "Let's delude ourselves into thinking this is going to be over soon."
Despite the possible mutiny, the drive of loot sends all of us onwards.
And we do continue onwards for another minute or so where we see a long hall-yeah this is the hallway with the giant swinging axe blades isn't it
God dammit I hate this place.
"Well, this isn't ominous at all." I say in a deadpan tone as I stare down this hallway. "Who wants to go first?"
"You can do the honors." Beard grunts and passes me a torch.
Figures.
So, in game this trap triggers as soon as you get close enough to it. I'm assuming a video game trigger zone doesn't work the same way in 'reality' as it does in-game.
We step closer to the hallway. Nothing happens.
Figures, though this is terrifying.
So…this activates based on weight? Or…
We raise the torch high into the air and see…
Ah-ha. The fixture of the swinging arm. Obviously it's not moving right now, which is a good thing…the construct seems to be metal, and it's way too high for me to unhinge in any way.
…So how is it being held up? What gets it moving?
Without really thinking about it, we stomp our foot.
Ok that gets it moving
Whoa
We take a fast step back as the blades begin to swing.
That's really all it took, huh?
Ok, well…
…well the blades aren't really swinging fast. They're…uh…being obstructed by the rules of physics, so they're not very fast…
We sit and time the blades out for a bit.
There are a total of eight blades in this hallway, and each full swing takes roughly five seconds. The danger comes from the fact that a blade is only visible for a small amount of time, and the swing itself feels like it's a lot faster than it should be given how little space the blades have to work with.
In conclusion, it shouldn't be too bad.
We carefully but rather easily navigate the entire puzzle.
Seriously though this shit is way easy when you have the incredibly rare attributes of "having a neck" and being able to turn it.
And really, the danger of these blades seems to be being caught between the hefty axe head and the…um…opening, that they're housed in. And the tetanus, I guess, since these blades look rusted as all hell.
They're not very sharp is the point I'm making, they just have a lot of weight behind them.
After crossing the path, we pull on the chain that stops the blades…
…but it's stubbornly refusing to move. HUUUUUUURG
We strain against the chain to no avail.
I don't know if it's because I'm weak or if it's due to the chain being immobile.
Anyhoo. "I crossed, but there's a chain here that I can't move." I call out. "So you'll have to go across the normal way."
"The normal way, he says." Sven snarks from the other side of the bladed hallway. "What about this is normal to you?" He calls out to us.
"The fact that it takes effort." I call back tiredly, because this dungeon is wearing on my nerves. "Now come on."
Beard goes "this is stupid." and crosses the hallway with little effort.
He gives the chain that would stop the swinging axe blades a strong pull, and…the chain snaps and uh…
Well.
Beard stares at the ring and chain in his hand for a bit. "I guess you're all fucked." He calls out after a fashion. "Now come on, we haven't got all day."
There was much grumbling, but since the hallway doesn't really challenge your normal physical abilities, it was crossed by everyone else without incident.
…
So we continue, through the room with the well-placed explosive lamp and the very well-placed clumps of skeletons right beneath said explosive lamp (Faendal took care of that one) and through more Draugur—at this point I really stopped caring because fucking hell there's a lot of ground to cover—and we
FINALLY.
FINALLY.
Arrive at the door with the ring of stones.
To clarify: Draugur are pretty easy to kill when you have a party of six ambushing the dead before they can get on their feet or swing their weapons.
"I think I know what this is about." Camilla says after studying the sigils on the stone rings for about ten seconds. "This claw" She brings out the golden claw "has a series of marks on its palm. Bet you anything these sigils have to match a pattern here."
Camilla does belong to the family that owns the thing so it makes sense that she's probably been staring at it for longer than we have run Skyrim at this point.
A measly 271 hours. We're as surprised as you are. We've played CK2 and Stellaris for longer.
Whatever happened to the 4th wall?
Sorry.
Anyways, Camilla figures out rather quickly that the sigils need to be aligned to the top, and the Bandit crew spins the rock wheels into place.
She puts the claw into place, press…gives it a little jiggle…and the entire contraption begins to move with a loud groan.
We all jump at the loud sound.
"Alright, whatever's beyond here has to be good." Beard whispers when the gate has finished lowering into the ground. "Keep your eyes open. There could be anything in here."
…
Anything…yeah.
Wow. This place is huge.
We crossed the threshold into the most open space I think I've ever seen.
After the dungeon's…well, the hallways weren't exactly cramped, but…there's something in the air here that feels oddly hallowed.
…Or else this is what a desecrated site feels like and I'm the harbinger of the apocalypse, because I feel very at home here.
If it makes you feel better, you're not the only one who feels at ease here.
"I feel…like we're supposed to be here." Beard says with a minute smile as he surveys the area. "Something in my blood is calling to me."
"I know what you mean." Sven whispers. "But what does that mean?"
"I think we'll find out soon enough." Woman Bandit warns us. "Look at that."
She draws our attention to the massive rock wall at the edge of our torchlight.
I'm gonna go on a limb and say that that's the dragon dictionary.
The what?
The rock wall where you get your words. The dictionary.
I should totally just call it the Dragon Dictionary from this point onward.
Anyways, we slowly advance towards the Dictionary—this is a stupid term, by the way—and see the single casket in front of it.
…Oh…shit.
The casket is open.
We advance towards the casket. Sven gets there first.
"It's empty." Sven says with alarm.
"Shit." Beard unhooks his axe and begins to look around. Sven throws up magelight which sticks to the DD and some of the rock pillars around us.
Suddenly this open area doesn't feel so good anymore.
While going through the…er…glossed over areas, I could do fine with just staying out of the fight, because there was a clear front line. Stay out of the front line, stay out of getting my face mauled.
No front line here. Eep.
Maybe we should get the tablet and get the hell out of here.
Trying to loot during this scenario would be the literal worst option.
"Maybe we're just being jumpy." Sven says shakily after a minute passes in utter silence.
Fus…
"Yeah, maybe." Faendal loosens his bow.
Ro DAH!
OH FUCK
The Draugur Overlord's Shout tears into the formation and blows everyone onto the ground.
Son of a bitch that came out of the left field
The damage is pretty light all around and everyone scrambles to their feet.
Pretty light my ass. My left leg is numb.
Like I said, light. Nobody else is having trouble.
"To the flanks!" Beard roars, and he plus the Woman Bandit move to flank the Draugur Boss while the SS brothers move to engage the Draugur head on.
Draugur Overlord swings his axe over his head and hacks clean into SS1's shield (Iron).
The strike shattered the wood and oh my god it's scattering everywhere
The shield's metal frame seems to frost over. SS1 quickly withdraws as SS2 attempts to slash the Draugur's arm.
The sword hits, but it doesn't go through. In retaliation, the Overlord brings his axe-haft into SS2's chin and ooh that sounds like it hurt.
SS2 stumbles back and the Overlord brings his axe—shield fragments and all—crushing into his face.
SS1 sweeps 2's leg, letting 2 drop and avoid having his face bashed in.
"Thank you!" SS2 says quickly and rolls to recover.
With the Overlord recovering from his swing, Beard goes in against its back. He's very loud about it too, with extremely heavy footsteps and a loud battlecry that reverberates against the stone walls.
…The Overlord might have heard him, since instead of trying to recover its axe it's just finishing its swing.
Beard suddenly stops his charge, noise and all. If we had the expertise we would've noticed that Beard's charge was designed for maximum noise rather than actual attacking power.
The Overlord's turn was too rough it seems. This time it can't quite pull out of its attack fast enough, and Beard buries his axe into its shoulder.
Also, Woman Bandit jumps in with her own charging attack and plunges her borrowed Ancient Nord Greatsword clean through the Overlord's ribcage.
Fus…
We all hear it this time.
Ro Dah! There isn't enough time for anyone to yell anything like a warning.
The blow hits Beard full-on…and sends him flying like a ragdoll. I think the force knocked him out cold.
Oh shit
As soon as Woman Bandit made her attack, she let go of her blade so as to not be attached to the Draugur. She drew her own great axe at roughly the same time as the Shout, and was about to lay into the Overlord's legs when it sent its own axe haft into Woman Bandit's stomach.
Bandit Archer and Faendal both fired a shot at the Overlord at this point, and they strike home (shoulder and head). However, Overlord doesn't care for those things and, with a great arc, brings his axe down onto Woman Bandit's shoulder.
The hit cleaves Bandit Woman's left half of her body clean away.
Overlord then pulls the great sword from his body (blade-first, with the hilt cutting into its torso) and hurls the blade as hard as it can towards Archer Bandit.
Archer Bandit's attention is split between the suddenly disabled Beard, the suddenly dead Lady Bandit, and drawing a new arrow from his quiver, so he doesn't respond fast enough against the Great Sword. It strikes him clean in the head. The force of the impact sends him reeling back five steps before he collapses as a corpse.
For the next few seconds, everything is dead silent.
"Holy shit." Sven breathes softly.
His little utterance instantly causes the Overlord's eyes to turn towards him.
"Oh no." Sven's in an utter panic. "No no no no no no." He backs away very quickly and trips.
The Overlord's beady eyes gaze on Sven for a little longer, then it moves on to the SS brothers.
Fair to say everyone's shaken at this point. Jesus Christ, what the hell just happened?!
The past action took about ten seconds.
Ok, so what do we do?
Uh…uh…
Beard and Lady are dead, um…
SS1 and 2 are still flanking the target, but their morale and focus have been shattered, so they're keeping distance. Sven's on the ground, hyperventilating and frozen. Faendal has moved behind the rock pillars for cover. Camilla is also hidden, but in a much more professional manner.
We're standing out in the open like a fucking idiot™. So as expected the Overlord homes in on us.
Shit.
Shitshitshit.
Suuper shit.
Overlord steps closer.
…well, if this is how it goes, then we're going out with a bang.
We draw our Imperial and stolen Ancient Nord swords.
I'd really like it if I could at least use a little magic before I go, though.
Ok…
From what I saw earlier, the Overlord's bullshit strong, but is only reactive towards immediate threats. It didn't make any kind of attacks towards the SS brothers after the two heaviest hitters got their attacks in.
…the heaviest hitters are now dead, so that's…that. I guess.
The Overlord charges forward in the crab-like walk that all Draugur seems to have, and it makes a sideways sweep with its axe.
See, that shit I can read.
We back off even before it makes its swing and it goes wide.
So the biggest danger is its follow-up attack after a shout, huh?
The Overlord recovers from its swing and follows up its attack.
Or not. It has no stamina limit, so that's also a thing.
I don't think I'll be able to take it down by myself, so let's organize…shite!
Fus!
moveMoveMOVEMOVEMOVE
We see it open its mouth and immediate bolts to the side.
Ro DAH!
FUCK
The blast unbalances us even as we're moving, and we fall to the ground.
Crabwalker! Crab at 9 o'clock!
What we didn't really notice before: the Overlord does not have to go back to the 'resting' position in order to use a Shout, so it's closing much faster than we anticipated.
ROLL
We roll to get our feet onto the stone floor and launch back into standing position.
The Overlord is then pushed a little by two more arrows. The arrows distract it long enough for me to get my bearings, but its attention is now shifted to the archers. Archer. Bandit Archer is dead, so it's just Faendal.
I need to stop it from going after someone else.
…wait why the fuck would I want to do that
Despite the sudden realization, we had already drawn and tossed the Ancient Nord Axe at the Overlord. Given we're not that skilled at tossing shit, the blunt side of the axe hits the Overlord in the shoulder and deals pretty much zero damage.
Embarrassing, but at least we regained its attention.
Fus!
SERIOUSLY
RO DAH
FUCKING HELL
We were caught off guard by this second blast and only managed to guard against it by dropping low.
Ok yeah this is way more problematic than I thought
Time to call for backup. "Shields! Get up here!"
SS1 and 2 don't flinch but don't budge, since we're not their leader.
Fine then. "If you don't want to die like a little bitch, get your ass up here!"
"We just lost our boss, goddammit!" SS2 snarls. "What do you know?!"
"I know you're not getting out of this in one piece if you don't step up!" I snarl back. "Now stab this little shithead with your little pointy dicks!"
…That last bit was a little too much, methinks.
SS2 glares at us.
Yeah, might have been too much. Also Overlord.
The Draugur Overlord's axe comes down, but we rush quickly out of the way.
Switch grip, reverse stab!
Given we're not good at this whole fighting thing in general, the reverse stab plinks rather uselessly on the Overlord's ancient armor belt.
Still, we got a hit in, that's good enough for me!
"You got a mouth but you can't use that sword for shit!" SS2 growls. "Outta my way!"
Ooh, nice. SS2 shield-charges into the Overlord and makes a nice-looking gash in its axe-flailing arm.
"Ohey, look at that." I say lightly. "So you do know how to fuck a corpse."
"Sod off." SS2 replies with a smirk. "So you getting' a piece of this or not?"
"I don't know, man." SS1 chuckles. "I'm not into dead people."
Faendal puts two more arrows into the Overlord. Also: Fus!
This is getting seriously old
Ro DAH!
The SS brothers drop and brace, letting themselves get blown back in exchange for keeping their footing.
We bolted right past the Overlord and was completely free from the Shout. We were also free from the Overlord's reaction swing since we ran a little too hard and couldn't stop for a counterattack, but meh.
…?
There's a strange tingling sensation in our hand.
Too much stress, I guess. My hand's getting numb.
Gotta finish this now before I hit my very tiny limit.
Time to command! "Faendal! Hit that thing with every arrow you got! Shield bros, swords on my mark! Sven, Camilla!"
Um.
"Got any attack spells?"
That was an order markedly less yelled. Also, we have drawn Overlord's attention again.
"Flames." Both of them reply. "Everyone knows it." Camilla adds.
…wait, really? Like, everyone legit learns Flames in Skyrim?
"No better spell for warming yourself up in a pinch." Sven says as an explanation.
Can't say I care much for this strategy, but hey. "Alright, fine. Flames and arrows. Light 'em up!"
They do.
The Overlord gets cooked in two different directions and skewered in a third.
Faendal puts 10 arrows into the Overlord with 70% accuracy.
I guess shooting at an immolated target is rather difficult.
The Overlord makes some wild swings with its axe, but since we're all out of reach it doesn't do anything.
Camilla and Sven runs out of steam at about the same time Faendal stops shooting (more like he stopped because they ran out of steam) and the Overlord is suffering. Dear god please tell me it's suffering.
"Strike!" I roar.
The SS brothers and I all rush the Overlord and hack at it with our swords.
…anticlimactically, the Overlord collapses under our barrage of blows. Kind of like what happens when it goes on one knee and you get a kill without a dynamic kill cam. Feels unsatisfying.
We are all breathing rather heavily, so there's that.
"What a bastard." SS2 growls at it. "It's really dead, right?"
I kick away the great axe…it feels surprisingly cold. "To be sure, take off its arms." I order. "Also the head if you can help it."
"Aye." SS1 grabs the Overlord's left arm and gives it a yank, then hack it off like a tree branch with three solid blows. He then takes the other arm while SS2 takes Beard's great axe and beheads the dead Overlord.
"Loot better be good, dammit." SS2 snarls. "Half the team's gone for this."
"Give the area one last look-around." I say as a rebuke. "There might be more traps and shit. We can get to looting afterwards."
"Who died and made you king?" SS1 snarks under his breath, but does as he's told.
We check around the room for some time, and find no further traps or Draugur.
They also didn't find the convenient exit, since torchlight isn't all that good at finding small push levers hidden in darkness. Either way, the looting!
…
Please wait…kleptomania in progress…
…
The haul was…respectable. The chest isn't random drop loot, so it had a decent amount of coin and jewels. The armor lying around was also good, but nobody wanted to touch it.
"We'd need an outfitter to make it fit anyway." SS1 sighs. "Too many questions…and it's old, too."
So the armor is left alone. I took some scrolls and the Overlord's Great Axe of Cold.
I don't actually know if it is a cold-enchanted axe, but it makes things around it cold, so I think my estimates on its enchantment are pretty accurate.
Apart from that, I took a few jewels (ruby and sapphires) and a dusty spell book. The book's cover is way too dirty, and I know better than to open it up without identifying it, so…yeah. That's gonna wait in the sidelines until I can find someone to take a look at it.
Also, of course, I took the dragon tablet, which is like a four square feet tablet of 30 pound stone. It's light for its size, though I have to strap it to my back like a weird turtle.
I wish I had a cart.
"Is that thing really worth anything?" SS1 chuckles at seeing my newfound turtle-ness.
To be honest? "I don't think so. But I think there might be collectors who would pay a lot of money for this, provided we find the right person."
"We?" SS2 scoffs.
"Me." I correct myself. "Unless you want to come with."
Whatever happened to the Spare Bandit?
Uh…oh. There he is. One of the Overlord's Shout smacked him into the wall headfirst and he's dead. He will be missed.
For how long?
He is no longer missed. Moving on.
"Come with?" SS2's scoff upgrades to a laugh. "You know we're bandits, right?"
…I did. Kind of. Going by his reaction, Sven didn't.
"It was rather obvious after some ten minutes in your company." Faendal admits. "But I can't see why you can't stop becoming bandits."
"We have a bounty on our heads." SS1 smirks. "A thousand gold each. Think you can afford it?"
"No." I reply quickly before we get stuck in that tangent. "Do you think they'll seize your graverobbed goods when you go into town?"
"The guards don't care that much." SS2 waves away the idea. "It's too much hassle for them to confiscate stolen goods, so they'll just take our purse and be done with it."
Good to know.
We consolidate our earnings with the old wrappings scattered in the room, and we backtrack our way out of the dungeon.
The swinging axes stopped at some point, so that's nice. They stopped because physics finally caught up with them, leaving them dead center in the middle of the hallway, so that's rather less nice.
Still, better than being chopped to bits because our inventories are not hyperspaced. Or something. In the end we all had to crawl.
While backtracking through the dungeon, we keep our eyes out for any further loot (like the little bit found by Arven) and take what we can.
I have to say, this kind of looting makes way more sense for our real-life shenanigans. Go in with the least amount of burden, kill everything that moves, then slowly backtrack out and take everything not nailed down.
I approve.
…
…
So…uh…
It's night now.
We're at the entrance to Bleak Falls Barrow and it's dark and windy.
Fuck™.
"Oh. Well." Camilla says conversationally upon seeing the time of day. "Lucan's going to kill me."
"Were we supposed to have you home by sunset?" I ask, also conversationally, because at this point my adrenaline has completely checked out, leaving me with just my exhaustion. My exhaustion tends to turn into snark and innuendo.
"He's not going to be happy we're spending the night together." Camilla laughs lightly. "If we hurry we can make it down, but it'll be dangerous. Should we camp instead?"
"Weather like this is no problem for a Nord." SS1 scoffs. "We'll be down in thirty minutes. Come on." He sets out confidently despite the darkness. The torch probably helps.
Hmm…
"We might want to get a move on." Faendal (who's bringing up the rear) warns.
Why is he warning us? Well.
We hear scuffling from within the Barrows.
Turns out Draugur don't die all that well. The ones in the front of the Barrow had already started to reraise when we crossed their paths again.
So our time here is short and camping out is out of the question.
"Yeah." I nod. "Let's move."
…
Our trip down the hills around the Barrow was…surprisingly peaceful, all things considered. While it was dark, the sky was clear and the amount of stars and the two moons provided more than enough light for us to tell where we're going.
Also there were no wolves, which is definitely a good thing.
In any case, the trip takes about 45 minutes and results in me getting winded as all fuck because I missed dinner and am hungry and this is way more physical exercise than I wanted but should have expected uuugh.
But we're home now. Yay.
Camilla, Sven, and Faendal go their respective ways with their rewards. I go with Camilla on her bidding (much to Sven and Faendal's consternation) because I need to report what I found.
The shield brothers head to the nearest inn. On our suggestions to avoid getting arrested before they can pay their fines, they ditched their armor and washed their face and hair, and we convinced them to avoid hiding their faces and be acceptably friendly. They should avoid detection long enough to cash in their stuff and pay off their bounties.
So, the report.
Upon our entrance to the Riverwood Trader, Camilla drops her bag with the claw without a second word and heads upstairs. Lucan doesn't mind and instead eyes our loot.
"This is the Great Treasure?" Lucan sniffs disdainfully at the piece of rock table I had strapped to my back.
I chuckle. "And like five guys died for this, including Alvin." I shift the tablet's weight a little. "So, you want it?"
"Heavens no." Lucan smirks. "You can keep that disaster memorial and do whatever you want with it." He takes the Golden Claw from Camilla's bag and sets it back on the table. "And next time someone asks me what the Claw does for them, I'll just show them this." He takes
Oh when did she do that? That's pretty neat.
Lucan waves Arven's journal in our face and sets it underneath the claw.
"The stories of a dead man." Lucan grins. "And the only thing to show for it was an old axe and a piece of rock."
"Maybe someone who knows something will pay for it?" I say (faux) hopefully.
"I wouldn't hold my breath." Lucan laughs at my (perceived) misfortune.
…
After that little meeting, we check in with Sven and Faendal (who were lollygagging outside the shop) and reassure them that Lucan was the one I talked to.
That took longer than the check in with Lucan, really.
Eventually though we were allowed to go on our way, and we rented another room for 10 gold to spend the night.
…
Come morning, there's a cart. With Camilla on it.
What gives?
The cart has some stuff on it, along with the SS brothers, Sven, and Faendal.
I think I see the SS Brothers' discarded armor.
"What's going on?" I ask upon getting within talking distance.
"Lucan wants me to sell some of this in Whiterun." Camilla says dismissively. "I'm also giving these people a ride, and the two blockheads are tagging along for the hell of it."
Sven and Faendal, I presume, are the blockheads. Also, I feel like her story's a cover for "we need to pawn the stuff we looted from dead people in a place further from here".
Still, free ride. "Nice. Can I come?"
"Feel free." Camilla welcomes us.
And so we got a ride to Whiterun, whoo!
.
.
.
{ === + === }
Author Notes:
Bleak Falls Barrow seems so much shorter in game.
Maybe because there's a skeleton section that's completely forgettable.
Except that one part where you drop a pot on the conveniently tutorializing trap, that part's cool.
Future forays into dungeons will not be as meticulously covered, if only because I am lazy.