Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. (Last chapter, we did own Gweds and the Phantom Chairs….and the casseroles….)

Authors' Note: It's Wednesday! Which means we got a chapter out on time for once!

Jedi Idol: Part 3!

"Hey all!" Plo said, "Welcome back to Jedi Idol! Tonight our remaining contestants…and Qui-Gon…will sing once again and try to get your votes! And let's all give a warm welcome to our judges! Mace Windu!"

"YO!" Mace shouted, "Who's gonna be in da dawg pound tonight!"

Plo rolled his eyes, "Depa Billaba!"

Depa clapped and smiled.

"And Yoda!" Plo introduced.

The audience booed.

"Hey Yoda I heard that you signed a contract with Just For Men!" Plo said.

"Yes. I did. Need money I do. Pay me well this competition does not." Yoda replied.

"Well it doesn't look like the product is working very well!" Plo said.

The audience laughed. Mindless drones.

"Okay, first up tonight is Eeth Koth! Let's look at the video screen and see what he had to say about making it this far in the competition!" Plo turned to the video screen.

Eeth appeared on the screen and sappy piano music was playing.

Eeth said, "I have been singing since I was two months old. I love to sing. I love to dance. This competition has been a dream come true for me. And just last week, my grandma passed away. So now I'm trying to win this competition for her. I love you Gram Gram!"

The audience started crying as Eeth looked at them with pathetic eyes. Mindless drones.

Eeth walked out onstage, "Old Godzilla was hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground. When suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade! Godzilla got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu when Aaron Carter came out of the blue and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal then they both got flattened by the Batmobile but before it could make it back to the Batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave and took an AK47 out from under his hat and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat but he ran out of bullets and he ran away because Optimus Prime came to save the day!"

Depa was on her feet dancing as was the audience. Mindless drones.

Eeth continued with the chorus, "This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see! And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be! This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny!" Then Eeth skipped a verse to get to the best part, "Angels sang out in immaculate chorus down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris who deliver a kick which could shatter bones into the crotch of Indiana Jones who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne but Chuck saw through his clever disguise and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs!" Eeth skipped another verse because hey, it's a long song and he has a time limit, "and the fight raged on for a century many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better: Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater! This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see! And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be! This is the Ultimate Showdown…this is the Ultimate Showdown…this is the Ultimate Showdown…of Ultimate Destiny!"

The audience exploded into applause! Depa cheered! People were tap dancing the isles! Plo scurried back out on the stage.

"That was nice Eeth!" Plo said, "Let's see what the judges thought."

"Man!" Mace said, "Yo! What a great way to kick off the show tonight! We got a hot one right here!"

The audience cheered. Wow.

"Eeth! The people love you! I love you! You did a wonderful job!" Depa was told by the show's producers to make her judgments a little less graphic.

The audience cheered of course.

"You all know what I am going to say. So I won't say it." Yoda snorted.

The audience breathed a sigh of relief.

"Great job Eeth!" Plo said.

Eeth walked offstage.

"Next up, Adi Gallia!" Plo announced.

Adi appeared on the video screen, "I never really knew I could sing until I landed the lead role in my high school's production of Grease. Then people started telling me that I was a great singer. And I believed them. So here I am."

Adi walked out onstage and started dancing rather…uh…suggestively, "I made it through the wilderness! Somehow I made it through! Didn't know how lost I was, until I found you! I was beat incomplete! I'd been had, I was sad and blue! But you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel shiny and new! Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Like a virgin! When your heart beats, next to mine! You're so fine and you're mine! Make me strong, yeah you make me bold! Oh your love thawed out, yeah, your love thawed out what was scared and cold! Like a virgin, ooh, ooh! Like a virgin! Feels so good inside! When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me!"

Adi finished and the audience applauded but one could not hear their clapping over Mace's loud cheering…

"Yo! That was the hottest performance this contest has ever seen! Man! I am sweating!" Mace started fanning himself.

"We didn't need to know that." Yoda muttered.

"Adi you look stunning. I don't think that was your best performance. I think you sang it just to um…impress Mace. But it was still a very good performance." Depa commented.

"Terrible it was." Yoda mumbled, "And not family friendly. No!"

Plo rushed out onstage, "And now…Qui-Gon Jinn."

Qui-Gon appeared on the screen, the audience hurled things at his picture.

"I am Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn." Qui-Gon said in the video, "And I am here just to prove that this competition is inappropriate and very un-Jedi-like! And if I win this competition I will shut it down forever! So vote for me! A vote for Qui-Gon is a vote for scruples!"

Qui-Gon took the stage, "I love you. You love me. We're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you!" Qui-Gon blew the audience a kiss. The audience members ducked for cover, "Won't you say you love me too!"

…

And that was it.

"Man? What the crap was that?" Mace asked, "Scruples? Is that like an STD?"

"No sir. It means "having high morals or ethics" ." Qui-Gon replied.

"Don't sound like it means nothing ethical." Mace muttered.

"Well. You sang." Depa said, "Yep. That's about it."

"I don't want to waste any breath commenting on that performance." Yoda said.

Plo ran back onstage; he was running out of breath because he had been running back and forth so much, "And now, "Yareal Poof!"

Yareal appeared on the screen and delivered this inspiring message, "When I was born, the doctors said I would never be able to speak. So at that time singing was out of the question. But then one day, my mom tried to feed me carrots and I hated carrots so somehow I forced myself to yell, "NOOOO!" and I've been talking ever since. And then when I was three I started singing and competing in beauty pageants. I know what you're thinking, but they have pageants for guys too! And that really boosted my confidence and that confidence got me here today."

"Why do I get the feeling that some of these speeches are entirely made up?" Plo asked himself.

Yareal walked out on the stage, "You Are My Sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away! You told me once, dear, you really loved me. And no one else could come between. But now you've left me and love another. You have shattered all my dreams! You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. OH PLEASE! Don't take my SUNSHINE AWAY!"

The audience sat there, wide eyed. After being stunned for a few minutes, Mace spoke.

"Man. That was…nice. It was a little pitchy but I enjoyed it." Mace said.

Depa was bawling, "So beautiful! So beautiful! You are what this competition is all about! You ARE this competition! You inspire me so much!"

"You inspire me to hang myself." Yoda grumbled.

Plo wandered back out on the stage, "And now Shaak Ti!"

Shaak appeared on the screen, "I never imagined I would make it this far in this competition. My family was always putting me down and telling me I couldn't do anything right. My mother died when I was five, she was run over by a bantha. And then my dad started drinking and walking the streets naked. So he was in jail for most of my childhood. So my grandma raised me. And I'm in this competition for her. I love you Gram Gram!"

"Wait a minute! We've already heard the Gram Gram line!" Yoda shouted.

"It was a total coincidence." Shaak said from offstage, "Eeth and I both were raised by our grandmothers and we both called our grandmothers Gram Gram."

…

…Are Eeth and Shaak long lost relatives? Tune in next week and watch the E! True Hollywood Story of The Jedi Council!

What an unannounced commercial break. Back to the show! Shaak took center stage!

"First I was afraid! I was petrified! Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side! But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong! I grew strong! I learned how to carry on! And so you're back from outer space! I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face! I should have changed my stupid lock! I should have made you leave your key! If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me! Go on now go walk out the door! Just turn around now! 'Cause you're not welcome anymore! Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye! You think I'd crumble! You think I'd lay down and die! Oh no, not I! I will survive! As long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive! I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive! I will survive! I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you! And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free! Now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me!" Shaak sang.

The audience went crazy!

"Yo!" Mace said, "We got a hot one here tonight!"

"That was the best performance of the night!" Depa agreed, "You go girl!"

"What?" Yoda said, "Surrounded by idiots I am."

Plo hurried onstage, "And last but not least by any means, Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

The girls in the audience went C-R-A-Z-Y!

Obi-Wan appeared on the screen, "I tried out for this competition so I could get away from my master, Qui-Gon Jinn. He pesters me and treats me bad. If I win this competition I will file a restraining order against him. And I will donate a lot of money to help starving children."

"Aww." The audience said.

Obi-Wan took the stage; no one could have predicted what was going to happen next…

…

…

…Obi-Wan started singing, "I'm Too Sexy! I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love! Love's going to leave me! I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt!" Obi-Wan tore off his shirt, "So sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan! And I'm too sexy for your party! Too sexy for your party! No way I'm disco dancing! I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car! Too sexy by far! And I'm too sexy for my hat! Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that!" Obi-Wan took his hat off, "Cos I'm a model you know what I mean! And I do my little turn on the catwalk! Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah! I shake my little touche on the catwalk!" And Obi-Wan did just that, "And I'm too sexy for this song!"

The audience could not applaud because all of the girls had fainted and all of the guys had gone to go work out because the performance made them feel self-conscience.

"Yo!" Mace said, "That was hot! Those girls love you! You rock!"

Depa has fainted and not even Mace's boot can revive her this time.

"That was so disturbing!" Yoda said.

Plo took the stage, "Okay! That's our show for tonight so please vote for your favorite contestant!"

Someone rushed onstage and handed Plo a note.

Plo read it, "Oh no! I regret to inform you that Qui-Gon Jinn will not be present for the eliminations. He slipped into a coma during the last performance and has been rushed back to the (drum roll, please!) Coruscant Jewish Memorial Samaritan Saint Windu Flying Turkey Medical Center. Oh what a pity." Plo wadded up the note, "Oh well! Vote for your favorite contestant! This is Koon out!"

Take Plo's advice!

Vote for your favorite contestant!

Only one can win!