Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not ours. A few of the things you don't recognize may also not be ours. We are making no profit from this endeavor and neither of us have either George or Lucas in our names.

Author's Note (or, you know, Editor's Note): So, it's only been – what? - two years? A year and a half? Sorry about that. Would you like the excuses? I can give them to you. I spent the past year and a half graduating college with my B.A., getting married, and settling into a real job in the real world. This summer, I was on an archaeological excavation, while Puff - the writer and goddess of the Jedi Council BTS - was interning at a zoo. (Two guesses where this chapter came from.) It's hard to write your collaborative story when you live one hundred miles (or farther in some instances) apart and the best humor comes from what happens when you interact in person. But we have decided our joint new year's resolution is to keep the Jedi Council alive and well in the new year, so hopefully you'll actually be seeing more chapters from us soon. This chapter is a bit shorter than usual, but we figured a short update was better than no update.

Also, I feel as if I have outgrown this penname, having acquired it seven years ago. Look for new chapters under a new name, most likely WearTheMask, at some point in the near future.

Sorry this is getting long. On to the show!

Part 16: Goin' to the ZOO

Subtitle: Oh God…

"Masters, I honestly have no idea how a cat got in my soup. It was most distressing to see this poor feline drowning in my Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup (Wow that sentence has more "R"s in it than a pirate movie…)!" Qui-Gon whined.

"Man, he whudn't drownin'." Mace objected (BTW, whudn't=wasn't…we think. Not sure what happened. Can't talk right. Mmm…creamed corn chicken.), "Of Oats knows how to swim really good!"

Mace's kitten, Of Oats, really enjoyed spending time in the temple cafeteria. And decided to take a dip in the big pot of Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup. And Qui-Gon was of course the Jedi to end up with the cat in his soup because he is the only one in the whole temple who would have cared at ALL. Anyone else would've just said "A cat in my soup. Hmm…doesn't happen everyday. Oh well. Lawnmower." And go on about their business. But since every little thing is the end of the world to Qui-Gon, here he stands before the council holding a soggy cat.

"Masters, this is the last straw." Qui-Gon said.

"You're finally leaving the order?!?" Depa was excited.

"No." Qui-Gon replied.

Depa now sits before you a broken and miserable woman.

"I am ordering a vote of no confidence in you all." Qui-Gon threatened, "I've already got a petition and I'm going to get every Jedi in the temple to sign it. We will unite and overthrow you and then the temple will be mine."

"…Right." Oppo said, "You get on that Qui-Gon. If you get more than two signatures, and even those two will be you and Obi-Wan, I will cut off my own feet and eat them."

"Thank you that is all I ask." Qui-Gon stormed out.

"What?" Yoda was confused, "Want Oppo Rancisis to eat his own feet Qui-Gon does? Sick man he is. Very sick. Mmm-hmm."

"Fortunately for Obi-Wan he's still on his Jedi Idol tour. So now Qui-Gon's signature will be the only one on the petition because he can't force Obi-Wan to sign it." Shaak pointed out.

"My tunic is the same color as this lipstick." Plo announced holding up some lipstick he'd bought…not sure why. Gift for Shaak? Probably.

"Okay, what are we gonna do today?" Mace wanted to know, "Besides listen to Qui-Gon whine."

"Today we are scheduled for a field trip!!" Ki-Adi-Mundi cheered.

"Where are we going?" Adi was bouncing up and down in her chair.

"The zoo!" Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.

Adi passed out from excitement. She loves animals. Especially penguins.

"Okay, I'm gonna wash the Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup off Of Oats really quick and then we can go!" Mace said. (Can you tell who sponsored this chapter yet?)

So the Jedi loaded up their speeders. The zoo was only about 30 minutes away. So they got there in 35 minutes. Eeth made them stop so he could get his picture taken with the world's largest badminton racket. They pulled into the parking lot. And parked there. Go figure. They got out of the car and immaturity set in (like it hadn't before they left the temple…).

"Elephants first!" Yaddle squeaked.

"Lemurs!" Shaak yelled.

"Cassowary!" Depa shouted.

"BATMAN!" Saesee exclaimed.

"…Batman isn't an animal." Plo pointed out, "He is a human being."

"I'm a Iktotchi, so any species that is not my own is an animal to me." Saesee said.

"Glad you to know you put me and a hamster in the same category." Adi muttered.

"Well you both enjoy popcorn and pianos." Depa pointed out.

…Anyway. (We apologize, we can't remember the last time we wrote a chapter. We've sustained more severe head trauma since then.)

"Okay. Look at the zoo map we will. Follow the path and see the animals in order we will. Yes. Mmm. Plan." Yoda suggested.

The Jedi reluctantly agreed. Following the zoo path and seeing the animals one at a time in an organized manner did not appeal to them at all. So the first animal they came were the Geejaws (leather-winged bird creatures according to Star Wars Wiki).

"Native to Naboo and the forest moon of Endor, Geejaws are very intelligent birds. The female will close herself up in a tree cavity and lay her eggs. The male will bring her food and she will take care of the chicks until they are fledged. These birds are capable of vocalizing in Basic. Each mated pair has a code word so they can distinguish their mate from all others. For the pair here at the Courascant Zoo, the code word is "Kimono"." Yarael read off of the information sign outside of the Geejaw exhibit.

"Amazing!" Yaddle cheered.

"Kimono." One of the birds said.

"Kimono." The other bird said back.

"I wonder if they ever pick up words from their keepers or zoo guests?" Oppo wondered.

"Only one way to find out." Mace leaned over the fence around the birds' exhibit, "Can you say "Honey Bunches of Oats"? I know you can. Honey…Bunches…Of Oats." Mace repeated the words over and over again.

"Honey." One of the Geejaws finally said.

"Yes!" Mace encouraged.

"Honey." The Geejaw repeated.

"YES!" Mace was sweating.

"Honey…" The Geejaw paused and looked right at Mace, "Honey…you're an idiot."

Mace's mouth dropped open. Adi and Depa were on the ground in hysterics.

"Man, that ain't right." Mace was mad, "I'm gonna make some fried Geejaw right now!"

He was about to jump over the fence and attack the Geejaws. But Ki-Adi-Mundi grabbed his sleeve.

"Let's move along. Next animal." He said and dragged Mace off.

"But that bird called me an idiot!" Mace fumed.

"I don't care. Maybe because it's true." Ki-Adi-Mundi dragged Mace off.

The next animal they came to was the Varactyl. It made happy noises as it played in the sprinkler the keepers had put out for it. It was quite possibly the most adorable thing anyone has ever seen. EVER.

"Oh my gosh that is quite possibly the most adorable thing I have ever seen. EVER." Adi said.

They read about the Varactyl and how it could be trained to haul riders or supplies. This varactyl was female her name was Gyo and she really liked guacamole. Face it, who doesn't? That stuff is OM NOM NOM!

The next animal was a tiger. Then a giraffe. Standard zoo stuff. Then the lemurs! They were curled up asleep in the trees. It was quite possibly the most adorable thing anyone had ever seen. EVER. Sorry Gyo. Have some guacamole!

"BALL OF LEMUR!" Shaak screamed upon spotting the furry gray blob with a black and white striped tail wrapped around it, "This is quite possibly the most adorable thing I have ever seen EVER! I'm like going to have a seizure it is so cute!"

"You do that." Mace said, "I'm gonna go buy a bowl of Golden Grahams at that concession stand see if I can get them to top it with nacho cheese."

Mace wandered off.

"I'm agreeing with the Geejaws more and more every second." Depa mumbled.

Shaak jumped up and down and shrieked at the lemurs for like forty-five minutes before the rest of the council managed to drag her away. They went on to the elephants. Yaddle was amazed!

"They make me feel so small." She said.

"And standing next to Yarael Poof doesn't?" Mace muttered around mouthful of nacho cheese Golden Grahams.

So they looked at the elephants and then moved on to the cassowary.

"My favorite animal!" Depa cheered, "The deadliest bird ever! It can disembowel you with just one kick!"

Everyone but Depa took one giant step back from the fence around the cassowary.

"And what's great about them is that the female ditches the egg with the male and makes him raise the baby while she goes out and does whatever she wants!" Depa added.

"If I ever have kids, that's totally how it's gonna be." Adi said.

So cassowaries are amazing. They saw many more animals. But if we went into anymore detail, we'd be here forever. The last animal they came to was in a dark cave. It was so dark, they could barely tell what it was. It was tall with pointed ears…and a cape.

"I told you this zoo had a Batman!" Saesee said. (There's more than one? I guess so…George Clooney…Adam West…The guy who does the voice on the cartoon...)

"This is bizarre." Plo stated the obvious.

At that minute that the Batman keeper appeared. It was a blue Twi'lek. She was wearing a name tag that read "I'm Na'sheemanah, Batmankeeper".

"Hey Na'sheemanah!" Adi greeted her friend, "You work at the zoo now?"

"Yep! I'm the Batmankeeper." Na'sheemanah pointed to her name tag as the Jedi were illiterate (seriously there's nothing funny about illiteracy…), "Qecpfcne works here too. She's the Neanderthal keeper. Do you have any questions about the Batman?"

The Batman was just staring at them. Blankly. He doesn't really care that he is in a zoo.

"He looks bored. How do you keep him entertained?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Well, we get death row inmates every three days and toss one of them in there and he'll beat the crap out of him. Fun to watch." Na'sheemanah replied.

"What does he eat?" Eeth asked.

"Well several things. But he's got a cold right now. So he's on a strict diet of Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup." Na'sheemanah answered.

"Fascinating. Can we get out of here?" Mace wanted to know, "This is wrong. This ain't right."

"That's usually what wrong implies." Adi grumbled.

"Thanks for coming. Please visit our gift shop. It's where most of our profit comes from." Nasheemanah wandered off.

So the Jedi went to the gift shop and bough 532 credits worth of crap. Actually they only bought a total of 6 items. The items were just that overpriced.

"I love my stuffed cassowary!" Depa hugged to life-sized plush cassowary she had bought, "It only cost 342 credits!"

"For that price, you couldn've gotten a real one." Yoda muttered.

So they drove back to the temple. They opened the door to their chamber and saw Qui-Gon inside looking proud.

"How did you get a key to this room?" Mace demanded.

"I found one under the doormat. Not a very original hiding spot." Qui-Gon said, "Look at my petition."

Mace looked at the petition. It had 636 signatures on it.

"How the *insert dirty word* did you get this many *insert famous Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* signatures?" Mace demanded.

"Apparently I am not the only Jedi in this temple who does not have confidence in your abilities." Qui-Gon said.

"So Jedi Master Jig Quinn No thinks we're stupid too?" Adi read, "And so does Jedi Master Join Q. Guinn? I've never heard of any of these people."

Yoda looked hard at the paper, "Every since name on here is an anagram of Qui-Gon Jinn!" He glared up at Qui-Gon.

"Well…I uh…" Qui-Gon for once wasn't sure what to say.

"You forged all these signatures?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.

"That ain't right." Mace added.

"Well…um…" Qui-Gon stammered.

"Did you really think we wouldn't notice?" Depa asked, "Do you think we're illiterate (seriously not funny)?"

"Hmph." Qui-Gon was about to storm off in a defeated huff. But Yoda stopped him.

"I can only think of one punishment for a crime this stupid." Yoda said, "I have to call someone."

He called Na'sheemanah.

"Have a victim for your Batman I do. Yes…mmm. Lots of fun he will have beating this one. Jealous of Batman I am." Yoda said.

"Cool! I'll pick him up in 35 minutes. I could be there in 30 but I want to get my picture taken with the world's largest can of Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup! See ya!" Na'sheemanah hung up.

Yoda and the rest of the council were so happy. They danced! They told Qui-Gon they had gotten him a job at the zoo…little did he know it was as Batman's punching bag.

THE END

Brought to you by: Campbell's® Select Harvest® Healthy Request® Italian-Style Wedding Soup

Is there something you'd like to see the Jedi Council attempt? A place you'd like them to visit? Something random you'd like to see inserted? Just let us know in a review! We love reviews! The more you review, the more likely we'll update this year! (Hey, just being honest!)