Disclaimer: Definitely not ours. If you've made it this far, you must have some ideas about the prequel movies would have gone if Puff and I owned Star Wars. (We do own Xorex though, on second thought. Maybe not something to boast about, but we do.)

Note: Well, we updated quicker than usual. This has actually be done, or well, not done, but sitting on my computer for some weeks now. Due to certain household issues, such as my Luddite-ness, I am only posting it now. Hopefully, the thrilling conclusion will follow it soon! Though with Puff and I both graduating (kind of) in May, we probably won't see each other to finish it for a few more weeks.

Part 5 (But really Part 17. What?)

Try again

Part 17: Meet the Poofs

"You dropped your Oreos!" Depa cried as the bag of mint Oreos tragically hit the floor.

"Remember that Oreo cereal they used to have?" Mace asked, "It was pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Shut up!" Yoda screamed, "Depa pick up your Oreos and Mace...need help you do. Now brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen...and Adi...and Mace...and Plo...and Shaak...you know what. Everyone within thirty feet of this room, brace yourselves. Something bad is about to happen. Something really bad. Muy malo (Spanish is fun!)!"

"What?" Shaak asked, already knowing the answer. She could hear Qui-Gon's uptight footsteps approaching the council chamber.

"My Oreos." Depa mourned, "Now they're crumbs. Dunkable no longer. Now they are simply a glorified ice cream topping. Que lastima (Spanish is fun!)!"

"Depa we will have a funeral for your Oreos later. Now we all need to clear our minds and focus on getting Qui-Gon out of here as soon as possible. Okay? Okie dokie?" Eeth said.

The door to the chamber busted open and there stood Legolas, but he realized he was in the wrong story and left. So since the door was already opened, Qui-Gon's dramatic entrance was kinda ruined. He didn't get to throw the door open all ticked-off like. This frustrated Qui-Gon furtherererererer....we're a lawnmower!

"Masters." Qui-Gon chirped like the song sparrow outside the window right now, "I must object to you all leaving this door open. What if you were discussing some vital secret galaxy business and a Sith lord walked by? Hmm? You should keep this door closed at all times. That is my first objection."

"And hopefully your last...ever...go die." Depa muttered.

Qui-Gon stared at her, eyes wide, face red, and not at all wearing a sombrero, "Master Billaba, have you turned to the dark side? I must object to that!"

"Qui-Gon she has suffered a devastating loss just now. She is emotionally unstable and cannot be held accountable for anything she says." Mace defended Depa even though he knew this a lie and completely agreed with her.

"Back to your statement from when you first entered a few paragraphs ago, the door had only been opened for like two milliseconds before you got here." Adi pointed out, "It has been closed all day. ALL day. But then this sexy guy with long blonde hair opened it and walked away and then like less than a second later, you came in before we had a chance to close the door back. Okay? Now that I think about it, that door-opening sexy guy might have to be punished for giving you something else to complain about...hmm..." She stared off into space.

Silence.

"Can we just forget everything that has gone on since Qui-Gon entered?" Plo asked, "Okay. Take two, Qui-Gon excluding the door thing, why are you here?"

"Obi-Wan claims he is lonely." Qui-Gon sounded annoyed...surprise surprise, "He wants a companion."

"Where's the sign-up sheet?" Shaak wanted to know.

"NO!" Qui-Gon was getting livid but he still wasn't wearing a sombrero (we'll let you know when he is), "He wants a pet."

"Again where do we sign up?" Shaak asked.

There are no words to express how Qui-Gon feels about this statement so we're gonna make one up...he is furious, digusted, flabbergasted, and itchy...so I guess he is...furdigflatchy. Yes, Qui-Gon was feeling quite furdigflatchy indeed.

"What kind of pet does Obi-Wan want?" Yareal tried his best to ignore Shaak's stupidity.

"He wants a Giant Millipede." Qui-Gon sounded absolutely disgusted.

"They're really cool!" Eeth said, "They just crawl around and eat...and eat and crawl around. They require little to no maintenance at all. I think that a millipede would be the perfect companion for a lonely Padawan with a clinically insane master."

"But it is an INSECT! I do not want insects in my chamber!" Qui-Gon snorted.

"What incest? Who? Where?" Oppo has just woken up. Depa smacked him.

"Technically, a millipede is not an insect Qui-Gon." Eeth sounded like he felt superior because possessed knowledge that the all-mighty Qui-Gon did not, "Millipedes belong to the class Diplopoda while insects belong to the class Insecta. The two groups actually diverge at the subphylum level meaning they are very different."

...Can you tell the person writing this is two months away from having a BS in wildlife?

"I do not care." Qui-Gon scoffed, "If I step on it and it crunches, it is an insect!"

"I guess Cornflakes are insects then." Mace said, "And tater chips."

"You masters are impossible!" Qui-Gon was starting to tremble with rage and lack of sombrero.

"Look, Qui-Gon, millipedes can't bite or scratch so they can't hurt Obi-Wan and they are so low maintenance that it won't inconvenience you in any way and you can still come up here and complain as much as you want." Eeth explained, "So let him have one. He obviously needs to talk to someone who isn't completely nuts."

The furdigflatchy Qui-Gon glared daggers at each master, "He's not getting one. I would never get him one!"

"Then why are you consulting us? If you knew the minute he asked that the answer was no, why even bother us with this?" Mace demanded, "We have other things to do besides listen to you complain Qui-Gon. Do you think that Harry Potter 5-DVD collector's edition we just bought is gonna watch itself? Hmm?"

"Masters I come to you all for guidance and every time I leave empty handed. I am losing faith in the Jedi order." Qui-Gon said.

"Excellent, I have an idea. We're gonna send you to the most desolate place in the galaxy and make you establish a new Jedi order!" Yoda said.

"Where exactly are you sending me?" Qui-Gon did not sound convinced.

"No idea. We're go load you into a starfighter, blindfold you, tie your hands down, and see where you end up." Yoda replied, "Mace, Plo, you two take Qui-Gon to the fighter."

Mace and Plo jumped and skipped! They were just ordered to do something evil to Qui-Gon! This was pretty much the best thing that had ever happened to them with the possible exception of Oreo cereal. They dragged a very furdigflatchy Qui-Gon away.

"Now, on to real business. The Prince Consort of Xorex and his wife are missing. Possibly kidnapped from their home." Yoda said this in an intense story-telling voice. He sounded like the guy who announces that CSI is coming on next only in Yoda voice, "They lived in a very high-class neighborhood and it is possible that one of their neighbors, a political rival, is responsible for their disappearance." By now the Council members are enthralled and eatin' popcorn, "Our mission is to infiltrate this high-class suburban neighborhood and see if we can figure out who kidnapped the Prince and where he is being held. Only catch is, these people will be suspicious of Jedi so we need to go undercover."

"Oh no!" Adi shouted, "I've gone undercover before. It's someone else's turn!"

"What do we have to go undercover as? A gardener? A housekeeper?" Depa wanted to know.

"Well, in a game of chance I acquired a mansion in this neighborhood." Yoda said (hey, if Lucas can use the "game of chance" line, so can we. And I guess we can elaborate on Yoda's gambling problem in a future chapter.), "So I was hoping that two Council members could go undercover as a newlywed couple who bought the house and want to start a new life there."

Silence.

"You want two of us to pose as a married couple?" Shaak was stunned, "Really?"

"Well, Mace and Plo aren't the room so they can't object, let's volunteer them for this job!" Eeth chimed in, "What a cute couple!"

"No...this is a very...how should I say...close-minded community? That won't work." Yoda said, "It must be a male and female."

"Should we draw straws?" Depa asked.

Well after an extremely intense and very violent game of Duck Duck Yoda, it was decided that Shaak and Yareal would be the happy couple. The other Jedi pointed and laughed at them for twenty minutes and then they boarded the shuttle for Xorex.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon's fighter had drifted off to the Dalonbian Sector and showed no signs of stopping any time soon because Mace and Plo had duct-taped the accelerator down. Qui-Gon is speeding to the edge of the galaxy faster than you can say "Corn meal muffins with honey butter!" Although I'm not sure why you'd wanna say that. I guess you can say that if you happen to be a Cracker Barrel Menu.

Yareal and Shaak's shuttle landed on Xorex. The first thing they had to do was buy wedding rings to make their story believable. Then they arrived in the snooty neighborhood and saw the mansion Yoda had won. It was 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage (gee, cheaped out there didn't they?) house. You know, your basic starter home. Perfect for a couple just starting out on their own...a couple who both happen to be professional assassins and heirs to an oil monopoly. Anyway. It was a big house. Lots of rooms. Don't ask us to add them all up for a total number cause we're too lazy to get the calculator out!

"Man, this house is incredibly unnecessary." Shaak observed, "How many clothes do you need to warrant having that many laundry rooms?"

"Don't know." Yareal replied, "Whoever Yoda won this from left all the furniture so we don't have move any boxes or anything. I guess this will kind of be like a vacation home for us until this mission is over."

"Who did Yoda win this from?" Shaak wanted to know, "And what did Yoda put up as collateral if happened to lose this hand? The temple? The entire flippin' galaxy?"

"Don't know. Maybe he promised to tell the person the name of his home planet if he lost." Yareal shrugged.

"Should we go introduce ourselves to the neighbors? Or do you think they will come to us?" Shaak wanted to know.

"Well, based on what Yoda told us about this snooty neighborhood, these people aren't very friendly so they won't go out of their way to be nice to us. The only thing that will get this snotty people out of their houses would be if it started raining Lamborghinis." Yareal said.

"Hey! We have the Force! We could arrange that!" Shaak chirped (yes the bird is still out there!).

"I think that would be a gross misuse of our Force abilities. And the whole reason we're pretending to be married is so we don't draw attention to ourselves." Yareal explained.

"You smell like nail polish remover." Shaak ended the conversation with a completely irrelevant statement.

An extremely snooty looking woman and her really idiotic looking husband were power-walking down the street. They saw Shaak and Yareal standing on the front porch of their new 17-bedroom, 68-bathroom, 5-kitchen, 32-dining room, 535-laundry room, 2-car garage house. The woman made a disgusted facial expression but it didn't really differ much from her usual "I'm better than you" facial expression. I hate this woman. I want you to hate her too. She drowns kittens so she can make fur coats out of them! No she doesn't look like Cruella DeVille. She's a bleach-blonde, fake-tanned, tries-to-dress-too-young punta (Spanish is fun!). What were we talking about?

"Ugh. Jameson look at what just moved in to the Millers' old house. Ugh. They must have bought it from that horrible little green toad after Mr. Miller lost it to him in that Sabacc game. Ugh. They disgust me. They exist. How dare they." The snooty woman scoffed.

"Meep." Is all Jameson is allowed to say.

"I suppose we should go introduce ourselves. These people obviously had enough money to buy the house so they must have some sort of power that could benefit me in some way." The snooty woman dragged Jameson up to Yareal and Shaak.

"Suspects number one and two approaching." Yareal whispered to Shaak.

"Hello, new neighbors!" The snooty woman said in feigned cheerfulness, "I'm Prudence Worthington and this is my husband Jameson."

"Hello." Shaak tried to mimic the fake cheerfulness, "I'm Shaak Poof and this is my husband Yareal."

"Poof?" Prudence scoffed at the one-syllable surname, "Well...eh...welcome to the neighborhood."

"Thanks. So how about the Prince disappearing last week." Shaak jumped right into interrogation, "Anybody know what happened to him?"

'Thanks for blowing our cover Shaak.' Yareal thought.

"No. No." Prudence brushed the question off which to Shaak was an almost immediate confession of guilt. Shaak was instantly suspicious of Prudence.

"Well, we simply must be going. Ta-ta." Prudence dragged Jameson away.

Once they were out of earshot, Shaak spoke up, "She did it. Guilty. Hang her."

"Shaak, you're a bad Jedi." Yareal rolled his eyes.

"Oh? Are you gonna spank me? We are married now after all." Shaak said in a flirtatious tone just to make Yareal (and the author the readers) feel REALLY uncomfortable. And maybe a little furdigflatchy. By the way, Qui-Gon is still not wearing a sombrero. He's getting close but not quite. We'll keep you posted on the Qui-Gon-sombrero situation.

"Maybe we should check in with the rest of council. Let them know we landed okay." Yareal instantly changed the subject.

"Like they care." Shaak rolled her eyes, "Right now they are probably talking on the phone to Miss Cleo and playing Nancy Drew computer games.

Right now, the rest of the Council was talking on the phone to Miss Cleo and playing Nancy Drew computer games.

"You're a Libra, aren'tcha darlin'?" Miss Cleo asked Yoda.

"No. Gemini I am. Yes. Born in June. Yes. Mmm." Yoda corrected her.

"Is there a gentleman in your life?" Miss Cleo asked.

"What?" Yoda was stunned, "No! NO!"

"Did he play football when he was in high school?" Miss Cleo asked.

"NO! There is no gentleman in my life!" Yoda shouted.

"Is he incarcerated?" Miss Cleo asked.

"NO! The only person I know who played football in high school and is incarcerated is OJ Simpson!" Yoda yelled.

"Yap, that's the daddy." Miss Cleo replied.

Yoda dropped the phone for a minute. He sat there stunned and then slammed the phone down with such force that the handset broke in two.

"Problem Yoda?" Mace asked as he helped Nancy Drew make an omelette on Nancy Drew and the White Wolf of Icicle Creek.

"Have a baby with OJ Simpson I do not!" Yoda stormed out of the chamber.

Mace shrugged and Plo, Depa, and Eeth laughed as Nancy Drew fell off a balcony in Nancy Drew The Final Scene.

.....So, how do you think it ends? Did Prudence really do it? Are the Prince and his wife just off touring the galaxy on a second honeymoon? Is the truth just something utterly ridiculous? Will the rest of the coucil ever beat those darn Nancy Drew games? Did Legolas find his way to the right story? (Watch, er, read Cooking with Legolas!) Be sure to share your ideas in a review (hint, hint, nudge, nudge) because, really, we have no idea yet.