218 pages later…with waffle cone…
THE JEDI COUNCIL BEHIND THE SCENES!
Part 18: Jedi Trivia Bowl (but not like a bowl you eat out of. Like a Super Bowl or Music City Bowl. Just thought we'd clarify. This has nothing to do with bowls. That you eat out of…unless Mace is eating cereal. Then he needs a bowl. Kinda hard to eat cereal off a plate. I assume. I've never tried. But I think I just figured out what I'm doing this weekend…What were we talking about?)
End title. Begin story. Fire up the engines. We're blastin off.
The day was coming to an end. The sun was setting. And the moon started mooning. And people were heading home from work resulting in horrendous traffic and general unrest. The Council was still sitting the chamber listening to someone complain. The scene has been sat so here we go.
"Masters, I resent wearing humorously large headwear. I do not find it amusing." Qui-Gon had returned from Mexico yesterday. And he's ranting to council about being forced to wear a sombrero against his will. Sombrero rape. Why he is complaining to the council remains a mystery. Did they put the sombrero on his head? No. However, they did duct tape him up and launch him into space, resulting in him landing in Mexico, being kidnapped by Mexicans, and promptly sombrero raped. So I guess in a roundabout way, it is the council's fault.
"And after forcing this headwear upon my head, they offered me alcoholic beverages." Qui-Gon added.
Shaak rolled her eyes. This sounded like Friday night in her old apartment complex. She didn't see what the big deal was. She took out her Gameboy and started trying to get Mario across the desert. Note: If she had spent more time training with her lightsaber and less time playing Nintendo games, she might have survived Revenge of the Sith. Then again both of those scenes were deleted so maybe she did survive…I have just been informed that she does die in The Force Unleashed. Weed's husband killed her.
"Look, Qui-Gon. Let's call a truce. You stop whining and we don't poison your oatmeal tomorrow morning. Deal?" Mace offered.
Qui-Gon is just too furious to continue, "I am beginning to feel that expressing my concerns to you masters is a complete waste of my time."
"We couldn't agree with you more!" Plo cheered, "There are so many better things you could be doing! Like training Obi-Wan, solving world hunger, building a new lightsaber, hitting yourself in the face with a 2 by 4, licking doorknobs, ice skating in the nude, I could literally go on forever."
Qui-Gon shakes his head, "Masters. You make me so sad. You're breaking my heart." (we apologize for that)
"No we ain't breaking your heart, but if you don't leave here in five seconds or less, we will be breaking your face." Mace said, "So leave. Please."
Qui-Gon walked out looking quite defeated until he saw the calendar. This weekend filming started for the Jedi Trivia Bowl, a quiz show where teams of different Jedi are asked random questions. The winner gets a solid chocolate acklay (Big spider-lizard thing that tries to nom nom the Obi-Wan in Attack of the Clones.)
The loser gets a really creepy picture of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo. Life sized. With pop-up action. Take that to mean whatever you want.
"I will get my revenge on those masters." Qui-Gon snickered, "I will sign all of them up for the quiz show. And sense they are so incredibly unintelligent they are destined to lose and be forced to deal with that picture. And its pop-up action. Meanwhile, I will have a chocolate acklay. I won't eat it but just having it will be a sign of my victory and their defeat…until it goes stale of course. Then I will have to burn it."
RAITMOTS: I like the letter X
So Qui-Gon signed all of the Jedi up for the quiz. Unfortunately, the quiz only required four teams of two people (meaning a total of eight Jedi, WOO math!). So a few days later, the show's producers had picked their teams: Qui-Gon and Eeth, Adi and Depa, Shaak and Mace, and Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi. Qui-Gon was a little disappointed that he had been forced to pair up with a real person instead of a cardboard Power Ranger like he had originally planned. He had insisted that he was intelligent enough to be a team by himself and did not require a real teammate. But the producers ignored him.
So filming started.
"Who the *insert dirty word* signed us up for this *insert famous Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* trivia show?" Mace demanded as he sat on the set behind his and Shaak's desk.
"Watch your mouth!" Shaak jabbed Mace in the ribs, "There's gonna be younglings watching this show!"
"We ain't started filming yet so I don't have to talk kid-friendly yet." Mace folded his arms.
"Ugh." Shaak knew this was going to be a LOONG night. The trivia bowl lasted like three hours. And that was after the editors got a hold of it. So they'd probably filming for at least six hours tonight. And she was sitting less than a foot away from an angry bald man. Good times for Shaak.
"Why am I here?" Yoda asked, "Sign up for this nonsense I did not. Old I am and getting a little bit senile but I am pretty sure I would recall signing up for this."
"You don't remember what you had for breakfast you old troll." Mace muttered.
Yoda used the force to throw a chair at Mace.
"It's turning into Jerry Springer already." Shaak covered her eyes.
"Jedi! Behave!" The host of the show, none other than Naboo Senator Palpatine, walked onto the set and took his place behind his podium (BTW: No one knows he's evil yet. This story is Pre-Phantom Menace. And Sans-any kind of real plot or accuracy. We do spell things right though!), "I expect a nice, clean, exciting quiz. I want you all to try your best! I want it to be a tight race! A photo finish! A thrill ride!" (man you are in for a real surprise…)
"Shut your *Samuel L. Jackson word* face!" Mace is REALLY mad today (in case you haven't figured that out), "I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to be here and this chair smells like old burritos."
"Mace, you wouldn't be here if we hadn't drawn your name out of all the candidates who signed up to be on the show. We didn't just pull your name out of thin air. Now just chill out and try to have fun. And I will try to find some Febreeze ® for your chair." Palpatine said.
Mace muttered under his breath. Shaak rolled her eyes. Yoda tried really hard to remember what he had for breakfast. Ki-Adi-Mundi was coloring on a children's menu from Waffle House (the Jedi had to be at the studio at 4:30 that morning and the only restaurant open was of course Waffle House. Ki-Adi-Mundi had stocked up on kid's menus and crayons to keep him entertained during filming). Adi and Depa were spinning in circles in their chairs really fast. Qui-Gon was sitting up very prim and proper in his chair with his hands folded neatly on the desk in front of him. He was so ready to win this. He had duct taped Eeth's mouth shut. He didn't need that imbecile to interfere with him winning this quiz.
RAITMOTS: Yes, there are Waffle Houses in a galaxy far away. We make a big deal and worry about writing a story about a cat in the Star Wars universe, but we just skim right over Waffle House. We don't even think twice before sticking it in the story. Waffle Houses are EVERYWHERE!
The director started counting down. It was time to begin! The excitement is almost too much!
"Good evening ladies, gentlemen, changelings, Wookiees, Hutts, Ewoks, Tuskan Raiders…(four hours later)…and Banthas! Welcome to the Jedi Trivia Bowl! The annual quiz where Jedi masters answer questions to see who will win that legendary life-sized chocolate acklay. In addition to that multi-legged tower of cavities, the victorious team will also achieve the pride and satisfaction of winning a completely pointless quiz show." Palpatine introduced. The studio audience laughed all cheesy and studio-audience-watching-a-filming-of-the-Brady-Bunch-like (you know, the kind of laughing where you can tell the studio audience didn't really find it all that amusing but laughed just to make the host or screenwriters feel good), "Let's meet our panelists! He's the oldest Jedi in the galaxy and his teammate is a pretty close second, it's Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi."
The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"
Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi waved and tried to look happy.
"Have you picked out a team name?" Palpatine asked.
"A what?" Yoda questioned.
"You know, something funny I can call your team?" Palpatine asked.
"I don't remember you mentioning that before." Yoda said.
"Have you ever watched the show before?" Palpatine asked, "That's how it works."
"Never watched it. Have better things to do with three hours of my life. Watch six episodes of Friends I could." Yoda said.
"Aww, Yoda!" Palpatine said like he was scolding a silly dog.
"We are Lean and Green!" Ki-Adi-Mundi decided.
"Green yes. Lean, maybe thirty years ago." Yoda muttered.
"Alright Lean and Green! Good luck tonight!" Palpatine went on to the next team, "She's one of the loveliest Jedi in the galaxy and he's still wondering what happened to his hair. It's Shaak Ti and Mace Windu!"
The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"
"What's your team name guys?" Palpatine asked.
"I don't know. Or care really." Shaak muttered, "Mace you pick."
"Well, if they get to be Lean and Green, then we're gonna be Black and Horny." Mace replied with a smirk.
TV screens all over the galaxy went to color bars! The censor people were staring at Mace, mouths agape. Qui-Gon fainted for a few minutes. We issue a formal apology and some Cinnamon Teddy Grahams to our readers. A few minutes later, the show returned and Mace looked even more ticked off after being issued a warning that if he said anything like that again, he would be fined 12894793 credits.
"Okay, your real name please. Keeping mind there are younglings watching." Palpatine tried again, now realizing he was in for a LOONG night.
"Springy velociraptors." Shaak said the first two words that came to mind (a sick and twisted mind maybe).
Palpatine sighed, "I guess that's better than the first one. Our censors are nodding that I shouldn't try to get you to think of anything else. Our next team features a former beauty contest runner up and girl who begs the question "What exactly is that in the middle of her forehead?" it's Adi Gallia and Depa Billaba!"
The audience applauded, "YAY HURRAY!"
"We're super-excited to be here, Palpy!" Depa grinned.
"We've been waiting for this our whole lives." Adi agreed.
"There's no need for sarcasm." Palpatine muttered.
"Palpy, I am offended! We try to bring a little bit of enthusiasm to this show and you accuse us of sarcasm. How dare you accuse us of being unreal? I never accused you of wearing a toupee did I?" Depa demanded.
"Um…uh…" Palpatine's eyes darted around nervously and he touched his hair for a brief moment to make sure his toupee was not obvious, "Um…yeah sorry about that. What's your team name ladies?"
"We are Damsels in Success! Because we are going to be successful and win this quiz for the good of our planet, the galaxy, and the universe." Adi decided.
RAITMOTS: Yeah, I totally stole that team name from Mario Party. Please don't sue me. I ain't worth nuthin.
"Adi, you may have your expectations set a little high there. At most, you're going to win an extra thirty pounds after eating that chocolate acklay." Palpatine said.
"It isn't about the acklay! It's about trying hard and overcoming adversity!" Depa disagreed.
Palpatine sighed. He was going to kill his agent in the most painful way imaginable. He had hosted this show before and it was usually a few teams of stuffy, boring Jedi who would just kind of sit there and age and answer a few questions. Never before had he seen so much energy and ridiculousness, "Alright. And our last team. He's the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy and I'm sure his teammate would agree with me if his mouth wasn't duct-taped shut. It's Qui-Gon Jinn and Eeth Koth."
Cricket chirps from audience. A few people clapped, hoping everyone would understand they were applauding only for Eeth and not the grumpy, hippy-haired geezer next to him.
"It is an honor and privilege to be here." Qui-Gon said.
"I know you are incapable of sarcasm Qui-Gon so I'm just going to say that you need to get a life. If this quiz show is an honor and privilege to you, then you are pathetic." Palpatine has heard about Qui-Gon and his constant complaining. He is just as disgusted with him as the rest of the universe, "Team name please?"
"The Distinguished Duo." Qui-Gon said.
"And my will to live just plummeted." Palpatine muttered, "Alright, now that everyone has been introduced, let us begin the questions. Our first category is science. And I have a feeling that at least 75% of our teams are going to be one step closer to a really creepy picture of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo after the end of this round."
"I resent your lack of faith in us, Palpy." Depa said, "We know that science is more than a kinda big word with a few "S"s in it!"
"Dear God." Palpatine is in physical pain. But the audience is finding this entertaining. This may be the first year in history that they don't fall asleep during the show, "Our first question is: what is the smallest bone in the human body?"
The contestants all discussed it with their partners and wrote something down. It took Depa and Adi a few minutes to figure out how their pen worked but they eventually wrote something down.
"Let's see what you all have come up with. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi, you wrote…" Palpatine looked at their answer board:
"Some bone in the ear"
"That's kind of close. The correct answer was the stapes or stirrups in the inner ear. Unfortunately you don't get any partial credit, you had to have that exact answer." Palpatine said, "Mace and Shaak, you wrote:"
"The little piggy that went "wee wee wee" all the way home."
"What the crap does that mean?" Palpatine was flabbergasted.
"You know the little toe bone. In the little toe." Shaak explained.
"It's wrong. Don't over-analyze it and make us stay here longer." Mace muttered, "No points. We suck. Get on with it."
"Mace. Don't be hard on yourself. What matters is that you tried. And that's all we can do is try our best." Adi encouraged.
"Yeah, well Adi, I refuse to believe that your answer is your best." Palpatine snorted, "You and Depa wrote:
"The bird I ate as a kid"
"Why? Why did you write that?" Palpatine could not believe what he had just read.
"Well, you see Palpy. We had brief discussion about bones in the human body and did not realize that when you said smallest bone in the human body, you intended for it to be a bone that occurred naturally in the human body." Depa explained.
There was a pause, "That still doesn't explain your answer. Not in the slightest." Palpatine said.
"I wasn't finished. I just allowed a short intermission for you all to absorb what I had said. So we were talking about bones that we have in our bodies. And Adi told me that as a kid she ate a dead bird she found on the sidewalk after some friends dared her to." Depa continued explaining, "And then she said that she had to get an ultrasound of her stomach a few months ago…"
"Oooohh." The audience made a suspicious noise.
"The doctor thought I might have an ulcer you perverts! Everyone hears ultrasound and they assume pregnancy! I am not sleeping around!" Adi shouted.
"Younglings." Palpatine reminded her.
"Anyway, Adi said that the ultrasound technician was still able to see bone fragments from the bird she had eaten like twenty years ago. They were still inside her HUMAN BODY and we figured that bird bones were pretty small. So the SMALLEST BONE inside Adi's HUMAN BODY is the bones of the bird she ate as a kid." Depa finished.
Palpatine dropped his head and rubbed his eyes, "No. Just no. Not right on any level. Let's move on to the Distinguished Duo."
Qui-Gon had written:
"Stapes"
"Oh my word! A correct answer! Well done Qui-Gon!" Palpatine cheered.
"Thank you." Qui-Gon smirked.
"Alright next question. Still in science. We're stuck here for another three questions folks. God help us all." Palpatine said, "And question two is: If Billy and Betty are both heterozygous, each carrying a dominant gene for brown eyes and a recessive gene for blue eyes, how likely are they to have a blue eyed child? I can't wait to see how badly you all butcher this one."
The team discussed for a minute. Shaak sat there mouth agape trying to process the information. Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda talked it over for a while. Depa and Adi started writing instantly which can only mean they aren't thinking at all and just writing something random.
"Okay. Let's see the diamonds you all have emerged with this time." Palpatine sighed, "Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda, you all wrote:
"25% chance of a blue eyed baby"
"Wow. That is…correct. I'm not sure what to do with myself." Palpatine said, "Let's see what Shaak and Mace wrote:
"They have a 258 in 39857 chance of conceiving a blue-eyed child."
"Did you two just write down random numbers?" Palpatine wanted to know.
"You tell us, is that the right answer?" Mace asked.
"No." Palpatine replied.
"Then yes. Those are just random numbers." Mace answered.
"We were hoping the happy face would encourage you to take pity on us." Shaak informed.
"No. Let's see what Qui-Gon and Eeth put." Palpatine said quickly.
"Whoa there, turbo!" Adi spoke up, "You skipped us!"
"I was hoping you wouldn't notice." Palpatine groaned, "What did you ladies put?"
"There's no way to know. She's cheating on him with Qui-Gon."
"Nice work you two. Inspiring." Palpatine shook his head, "Qui-Gon. What's the answer?"
"First of all. I find the previous answer most offensive and if I am forced to tolerate any more of this abuse, I will leave the show and you will be forced to deal with these six idiots on your own." Qui-Gon said, "Now that I have made that clear, here is my answer:
"They have a 25% chance of conceiving a blue-eyed child."
"That's right, Qui-Gon. But you don't have to restate the entire question." Palpatine said, "Second to last question. Then we are finally done with science. The third question is: Name one of the two elements on the periodic table that are liquid at room temperature."
The teams started writing. Qui-Gon looked quite smug. Jerk. Adi and Depa were giggling. God knows why. Mace looked generally annoyed. Understandable. Shaak looked like she was going to fall asleep. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi were asleep.
"Well. I'm going to skip Lean and Green here since they obviously cannot answer the question in their sleep. So let's move on to the Springy Velociraptors and they have come up with:
"Mercury?"
"I love that you two were so unsure of your answer that you put a question mark after it. It is correct however." Palpatine said.
"Yeah, we were pretty sure that was right. Someone spilled mercury in the temple once. And we figure it was impossible to spill a gas or a solid…" Mace began his explanation.
"You can spill a basket full of Lego blocks!" Adi interrupted, "Wouldn't that be spilling a solid?"
"Legos are not on the periodic table of elements!" Palpatine argued.
Adi pouted.
"Yeah, well we had a mercury spill. And we were on lock down for twelve hours. And I was locked in the men's room with Yoda and Qui-Gon. I was three minutes away from fashioning my robe into a rope and hanging myself from the ceiling. But then the hazmat people came in and we got out but they stole my shoes and I was all like, man I paid 812 credits for those shoes you better give them back but he never did and…" Mace went on and on and on and most of the story was cut by the editors. Seeing as how it went on for roughly five hours.
"Beautiful." Palpatine said, "Let's see what the alleged Damsels in Success have come up with...And one of you traced your left hand. Beautiful."
"No actually, I traced Adi's left hand. It was a group effort. We are a team. We are truly united and because of that strong unity and teamwork, we are destined to win." Depa explained.
The audience cheered and Palpatine gave them a look that could kill.
Palpatine sighed, "No. That is nowhere near the right answer."
"Would it have been the right answer if she had traced my right hand?" Adi wanted to know.
"I'm ignoring that question. Let's move on to Qui-Gon." Palpatine said.
Qui-Gon wrote:
"Mercury and Bromine are liquids at room temperature."
"Again Qui-Gon, you don't need to restate the question. And you only needed one of the elements. But both of those are correct." Palpatine said.
"May I have two points since I knew both of them?" Qui-Gon asked.
Palpatine appeared to be in deep thought, then said very bluntly, "No."
"That is unacceptable." Qui-Gon scoffed.
"Why? You're still in the lead. By like forty." Palpatine reminded him, "Final science question! YAY! It is: What is the largest member of the Rodent family?"
Depa's eyes grew wide and she started bouncing up and down in her chair. She raised her hand and flailed it around in the air.
"Depa, you need to write down the answer." Palpatine reminded her.
Adi handed Depa the pen and she started furiously scribbling away.
"Let's see what you all have here. Lean and Green appear to still be snoozing away over there so never mind them. Mace and Shaak, you all wrote:
"Lester."
"I'm sure there's a long and complicated story behind this. Go on with it." Palpatine rolled his eyes.
"Well, guinea pigs are rodents, right?" Shaak asked.
"Yes." Palpatine answered, growing frustrated.
"Well, when I was a kid I had a guinea pig named Lester. And he was really really fat. Probably because I fed him nothing but lard and cookie dough. So I figured he may be the largest rodent that ever lived." Shaak explained.
"I'd just like to add." Mace spoke up.
"Keep it short this time, Windu. The show is only three hours long." Palpatine pointed to his watch (it had Pokémon on it!).
"When I was younger I lived next door to a family with the last name Rodent. And ironically enough, the dad's name was Lester. And he was a really big dude. So Lester was the biggest member of the Rodent family." Mace explained.
"So you see, either way, Lester is the right answer." Shaak concluded.
"No actually it isn't. Now Depa you seemed really excited about this one so I'm going to skip you and go to Qui-Gon first." Palpatine said.
Depa looked like she might cry. Adi hugged her and glared at Palpatine.
"Aww." The audience sympathized.
"What? The audience has turned to the dark side! They are actually rooting for those two!" Palpatine sighed, "Anyway, Qui-Gon, you wrote:
"The capybara is the largest member of the Rodent family."
"Qui-Gon please don't write a novel next time. But yes, capybara is the right answer." Palpatine said.
"NO IT'S NOT!" Depa shouted, "And if you had come to us first, you'd know that!"
"Okay then, Depa. Tell us, what is the largest member of the rodent family?" Palpatine couldn't wait to hear this.
"THERE IS NO RODENT FAMILY!"
"That's not right! Of course there's a rodent family! It's the family composed of guinea pigs, squirrels, beavers, mice…" Palpatine listed.
"NO!" Depa wailed, "That is the ORDER Rodentia! The next highest taxonomic classification level."
Palpatine looked stunned, "You know your taxonomic classification levels?"
"Yeah: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. I had an acronym for them in college: Killing People Can Only Feel Good, Sam!" Depa explained.
Palpatine looks at the show's judges who are nodding that this information is correct. At the same time, they are worrying that the violent acronym may not sit too well with the censors.
"So you see, Palpy, there is a Rodent ORDER and it is composed of many FAMILIES such as Scuiridae which is the squirrels, Castoridae which is the beaver, and Muridae which is the true mice and rats." Depa finished.
The judges nodded to Palpatine, confirming this information.
"That is absolutely right. I guess you two get a point." Palpatine said.
The audience exploded into applause. Depa and Adi got up and skipped a few laps around the desk to celebrate.
"And Qui-Gon, I guess you lose a point." Palpatine said.
Qui-Gon died for a few minutes. Some EMTs revived him. They had no choice.
"So at the end of the science round the scores are: Lean and Green with 1 because they slept through the last two questions. Damsels in Success have an amazing score of 1. The Springy Velociraptors are also tied with 1. And The Distinguished Duo is in the lead with 3. We will back after these messages and we will begin our second round: the music round!"
The audience applauded.
© 1/4/11
"Puff" and "Weed"
First post of the new year! Hopefully, there'll be more posts in 2011 then there were in 2010. We're definitely going to work on that. It's our new year's resolution.
That said, long distance writing isn't really our thing and Puff's going to be doing some traveling in the near future, so updates could be quite distanced. (See, this is the problem with liberal arts degrees. Puff has to travel all over the country for internships and job opportunities in wildlife management and I have to venture to the Land that Time forgot for my archaeology stuff in the summer, and...I could go on, but I won't.) If need be, we'll learn how to Skype.
I could try to bribe you into reviewing, but you either will or you won't. I will try to respond personally to reviews this time around, so there is that. (We attempted to edit and revise, but if something slipped past, let us know!)
Here's hoping for lots more posts in the new year!
(And that 218 pages? That's how long our Word document of Jedi Council: BTS has become. Crazy.)