Disclaimer: Not ours.
Author's Note: We are so sorry that it's been over 8 months since we updated (and what a terrible place to leave you hanging!) We know you don't want to hear our excuses, but here they are anyways: I got two promotions in January, losing a lot of my free time, Puff got a job as a zookeeper and moved 900+ miles aways, I got another promotion in March taking even more of my free time, the renaissance faire ate whatever free time I had left, and we both have no attention span on skype. I mean, none. It's awful.
But here it is now. The second part and (conclusion!) of part 18. We tried to proofread it, but we were both a little giddy at actually seeing each other again, so we probably missed a lot. Let me know if you see any errors.
Part 18: Jedi Trivia Bowl (Part 2)
Once certain that the cameras were off and he would not get fined for using explicatives, Mace turned to Shaak.
"Seriously, Shaak. How the *insert dirty word* did we get sighed up for this *frequently used by Samuel L. Jackson dirty word* quiz show?" He demanded.
"Would you please stop using that kind of language? My ears are not a toilet!" Shaak snipped, "But in response to the question that I believe was buried somewhere inside that mountain of filth, I have no idea how we ended up on this show. I am certain that I did not sign up for this. Unless I was too drunk to remember."
Mace rolled his eyes. Then he glanced across the studio to see a very cocky-looking Qui-Gon sitting with his arms folded behind his team's desk.
"What does he look so happy about?" Mace asked aloud to no one at all really, "Something fishy is going on here. Qui-Gon is never happy unless he knows other people are miserable. And right now I'm miserable meaning Qui-Gon must be happy about my misery. Which most likely means that he is the cause of my misery."
Mace rose from his seat to go beat the crap out of…er…ask Qui-Gon why he looked so cheeky.
"Alright Masters, we're rolling again in thirty seconds." Said the director of the show.
"Aww man." Mace stomped his foot angrily. Like a flippin' three-year-old girl. His torture session…er…interrogation of Qui-Gon would have to wait. For now he had to continue to grin and bear this stupid trivia show (continue to grin and bear? Has he really been grinning and bearing it so far? Or has he just been whining and cursing a lot? We dunno. We didn't bother to reread the last part. We're totally doing this Lucas style. Writing with no clue what happened in previous chapters.)
Anyway. I think we were talking about bread.
No actually.
The cameras started rolling. Mace sat back down in his chair and Palpatine walked back onto the set. His face was red from all the yelling he did at his agent over the phone during the break. This is the real reason Palpatine is a Sith. You can bet you booty that his agent has a date with some lightning bolts later.
But like a true politician, the instant the cameras came on, Palpatine switched into 'I'm so happy and such a great wonderful guy' mode. He grinned and his face slowly returned to its normal pasty-white-old-guy color.
"Welcome back to the show. For those of you just tuning in please switch the channel now. It's not too late for you to escape! For those of you who have been watching this train wreck. I apologize." Palpatine said, "Just to review the scores. All the teams have one point except the Distinguished Duo who have 3 points. And judging by the last round, they're pretty much guaranteed to win so the next five hours of this show is pretty much a waste of time."
"I resent your lack of faith in us, Palpy!" Depa shouted, "It's not over until the fat Bantha sings! And right now I don't hear anybody mooing Another One Bites The Dust."
"If I start mooing Another One Bites The Dust can we say this is over and go home?" Shaak asked, "Because if that's the case…"
Shaak began mooing very loudly to the tune of Another One Bites The Dust.
Palpatine's will to live sunk a little bit lower. His agent is a dead man.
"That's quite nice, Shaak but I think you're a little off key." Adi spoke up, "Should go more like…"
Adi started mooing as well.
Palpatine is wondering if his robe can be fashioned into a noose so he can hang himself from the rafters.
"ENOUGH MOOING!" He finally yelled, "We're continuing with the quiz show whether you all moo or not!"
"I never said I didn't want to continue. I'm quite happy to be here. This chair is comfy and the temperature is pleasant. It's like a little vacation." Depa said, "I just don't like you calling us all losers before we've had time to lose properly."
Palpatine sighed. He was pretty sure he had a nail file in his pocket. If he broke it in half maybe he could use one of the jagged edges to cut his jugular vein…
…this story is getting rather dark isn't it? It's okay. It's just Palpatine. Who cares if he dies? He's killed plenty of people.
"Okay. Whatever. I'm just going to continue hosting the show while ignoring the panelists completely." Palpatine said.
"Aww Palpy." Adi whined, "We love you."
Palpatine rolled his eyes, "It's time for the music round. I'm going to ask questions about music and those…entities…over there are going to answer them. Sound good? Okay. Here is the first question. What Bealtes song, which is included on the CD of their number one hits, begins with guitar feedback?"
Mace and Shaak just stared at Palpatine. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi have woken up and are making paper hats for themselves out of the scrap paper the panelists were provided with to write on. They didn't hear the question, wrote something down, and continued with their hat making. Adi and Depa are giggling about something and writing God knows what. Qui-Gon still looks smug as he writes his answer. Eeth Koth managed to obtain a set of nail clippers from a woman in the audience during the commercial break and is currently trying to free himself from his duct tape restraints (was he tied up with duct tape? Again we didn't reread the first part here. Eh, since when do we care about continuity? It's not like we're getting paid to write this. It's not like anyone is paying us to read it. It's not like you can demand a refund if it doesn't make sense. If it makes sense, we're not doing it right anyway!)
"Alright. Time is up. Let's see what gems our panelists have come up with this time." Palpatine muttered, "Lean and Green wrote…"
"Three Times a Lady"
"That is not a Beatles song." Palpatine muttered, "Not even close."
"But that's like the standard answer to every song question ever. That or Bryan Adams. And you asked for a song. If you'd asked for a person, we would've written Bryan Adams." Ki-Adi-Mundi explained.
"So regardless of the question, you were just going to write Three Times a Lady if I asked for a song and Bryan Adams if I asked for a singer?" Palpatine wanted to confirm the insanity.
"Yep. Were we right?" Yoda asked.
"No!" Palpatine replied.
"Eh." Yoda shrugged, "Easy come easy go."
"I'd say that's true Yoda but first you actually have to have something, like points for example, coming in." Palpatine retorted.
"We have one point. That's all we'll ever need." Ki-Adi-Mundi replied.
Palpatine sighed, "I'm done. This is futile. Speaking of futility, let's see what The Springy Velociraptors wrote.
"Yellow Submarine"
"That is actually a Beatles song. So I'm proud of you two for that." Palpatine said, "But it is not the right Beatles song. So I can't give you any points."
"We don't care." Mace replied quickly.
"Good." Palpatine said, "Okay. Damsels in Success, were you two successful this time? I'm going to bet no but you two have surprised me before…once…so I guess that means odds of it happening again are pretty slim but…"
"Shut up and check their answer so I can go home and drink until I can't remember any of this!" Shaak yelled.
"Okay. Adi and Depa. What did you write?"
"Bottom"
"Really? Really? We've resorted to fourth grade humor now?" Palpatine was appalled.
"Bottom is a silly word." Adi giggled.
Palpatine hates his life. Seriously, I'm pretty sure this quiz show caused the whole Dark Side and evil Empire stuff he did.
"Distinguished Duo. Please. Get this right or at least give me an answer that isn't completely juvenile." Palpatine begged.
"I Feel Fine"
"Well I'm very happy for you, Qui-Gon. But what is your answer?" Depa asked.
"That is his answer!" Palpatine growled, "And it is the correct answer. The Beatles song I Feel Fine begins with guitar feedback. That's one point for the Distinguished Duo."
"Thank you. And for the record, I do feel fine. I feel wonderful. I feel spectacular knowing that I will emerge from this quiz show a winner despite all of the other wonderful contestants that I…er…I mean that signed up for this show." Qui-Gon's eyes darted back and forth, hoping no one caught his little slip up.
But Mace did. Now Mace knows who got him into this terrible mess. Now Mace knows who is forcing him to miss a Mad Men marathon in order to sit in a studio under hot lights answering stupid questions. Now Mace knows who is going to be decapitated by a purple lightsaber some time in the very near future. Mace deserves his revenge. And Qui-Gon deserves to die. And apparently I want to watch Kill Bill.
"Way to go, Qui-Gon. I never thought I'd be rooting for you but since you're the only one getting points I guess I don't have much of choice, right?" Palpatine asked.
"Oh. All that is about to change." Mace muttered, "Things about to get serious all up in here."
RAITMOTS: We…are so sorry.
"On to the next question. Trompette is the term used for the highest-pitched drone string that features the buzzing bridge on this musical instrument believed to have originated in Western Europe in the eleventh century AD." Palpatine read.
Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Shaak, Depa, and Adi's jaws all dropped simultaneously in a very cartoonish manner. Mace, however, looked confident as he grabbed the pen and wrote his answer.
"Okay. Time's up. Let's see if any of our contestants got that ridiculous question right." Palpatine said, "Remind me to tell our writers to dumb these questions down a bit. I know pretty much any question would be difficult for these particular contestants. But this question would be difficult for any contestants. It's cruel to give the contestants here today questions like that. It's downright abusive."
"Will you just shut your face and look at our answers already?" Mace demanded.
"Yes." Palpatine nodded, "Absolutely. I'm sure you all probably want the trauma of this question over. So let's see what Lean and Green wrote down."
"The oboe"
"I'm proud of you two for actually writing an instrument name. I almost wish I could give you half a point for getting that much right." Palpatine sympathized, "But I can't so let's just move on to Damsels in Success."
The Damsels in Success are not behind their desk. They are nowhere to be seen.
"Adi? Depa? Where did you two go?" Palpatine called, "Ladies?"
"We're hiding under the desk and we're not coming out until the mean scary question is gone." A voice called (sounded like Depa) from under the desk.
"Whatever." Palpatine shook his head, "Now Springy Velociraptors, let's see your answer. Unless you just want to hide under the desk too."
"Nope. Look at my answer and dump some ketchup on your foot 'cause you're about to eat it." Mace snapped.
"Mace? You feeling okay?" Shaak put a hand on Mace's forehead.
"Don't touch me woman!" Mace slapped her hand away.
RAITMOTS: ….
Shaak looked hurt. She scooted her chair away from Mace.
"Okay Palpatine. Look at my answer." Mace repeated.
"Alright." Palpatine stammered, obviously a bit shaken up by Mace's outburst, "You wrote."
"Hurdy Gurdy"
"Mace are you just making up words again? Like Bill Cosby or something?" Shaak questioned.
"No actually Shaak, that is the correct answer. The hurdy gurdy is a musical instrument." Palpatine said, "I can't believe I'm saying this but that is one point for the Springy Velociraptors!"
The audience explodes into applause. Shaak is too stunned to be happy.
"Mace!" She whispers loudly and pulls Mace closer to whisper in his ear, "How in the galaxy did you know that answer?"
"I'm not as dumb as everyone thinks I am. I've actually known the answer to every question tonight. I just didn't care until a few minutes ago." Mace explained.
"What happened a few minutes ago to make you change your mind?" Shaak wanted to know.
"I found out who is responsible for signing us up for this show. And he's in this room right now." Mace answered.
"Is it that kind of chubby guy in the green shirt back in like the eighth row? Kinda looks like Drew Carrey used to look before he lost weight and lost his glasses and made his hair different? Because I've been suspicious of him all evening." Shaak said.
"No you idiot!" Mace groaned, "Qui-Gon signed us up for this so he could humiliate us in front of the entire universe!"
"Really?" Shaak squeaked, "But that's so mean. Even for Qui-Gon that is just so…evil."
"Exactly. And now that we're here, all we can do is win the quiz and humiliate him." Mace explained, "Turn the tables on him a bit."
"That…is…brilliant." Shaak nodded, "We have to let the other contestants know that we know that Qui-Gon is evil."
"That can wait until the commercial break. For now we have to focus on getting these next few questions right. Maybe we can free Eeth and get him to participate and sabotage Qui-Gon's answers. I bet the rule book says that both team members have to contribute something." Mace plotted.
"And it appears that the Distinguished Duo came up with the answer hurdy gurdy as well." Palpatine said, having already checked Qui-Gon's answer while Mace and Shaak were plotting, "So that's one point for them. Okay. On to the next question. Which is a complete the lyric question. Here's the lyric: 'Looking at the crowd And I see your body sway, c'mon'. Contestants, complete this lyric."
RAITMOTS: For the record, we would LOVE to hear Palpatine read those lyrics. If you happen to know the guy who plays him, hook us up.
Team Lean and Green looked absolutely confused.
"What? What song is that from?" Yoda asked.
"I can't tell you. I'll tell you after I give the correct answer." Palpatine explained.
"I haven't listened to any music written in the last 400 years!" Yoda squawked, "And that was before lyrics were invented!"
"Then I guess you two better just make something up." Palpatine shrugged, "Or see if you can copy off of the Damsels in Success who seem to be jumping up and down in their seats and squeaking with excitement. Either they know the answer or they found an old gummy bear stuck under one of their chairs. Not sure which."
"We know the answer!" Adi cried, "If you saw who that song was by then you know we know the answer!"
"Shaak, what the hell is the answer?" Mace demanded, gripping the pen nervously.
"It sounds familiar but I'm not sure." Shaak said.
"Not sure?" Mace repeated, "Shaak we can't win this game on a 'not sure'!"
"Well why don't you know the lyric?" Shaak asked.
"Cause I ain't never heard that song!" Mace yelled.
"Well neither have I!" Shaak shouted back.
"Okay time is up! Let's read our answers!" Palpatine said, "Okay Lean Cuisine, what did you two come up with."
"Lean and Green you cannibal!" Yoda replied, "Ki, what the crap did you write?"
"Three Times a Lady"
"What?" Yoda squawked, "You wrote that again?"
"Looking at the crowd And I see your body sway, c'mon three times a lady." Palpatine read the lyrics all together, "No. That's not it."
Ki-Adi-Mundi shrugged, "Again, it was a song question and I've learned throughout the years that Three Times A Lady is the most frequently mentioned song on all of these quiz shows. Is Lionel Ritchie one of your producers?"
"Executive producer actually." Palpatine muttered.
"What was that?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.
"Nothing. Nothing at all." Palpatine replied, "Now, Springy Velociraptors. What did you write?"
"Nothing." Mace mumbled, "Stupid Shaak didn't know the answer."
"Well you didn't make any effort to help me!" Shaak exclaimed.
"It ain't my job." Mace replied.
"What? Getting us points isn't your job? Then what is your job?" Shaak wanted to know.
"I'm the scribe. I write your answers." Mace told her.
"Okay if you two are done arguing like an old married couple, let's move on to the very giddy Damsels in Success." Palpatine said, "Ladies, you wrote:"
"Wishin' I could thank you in a different way, c'mon"
Adi and Depa insisted on singing and dancing out their answer. It was fabulous.
"That is absolutely correct! Way to go ladies!" Palpatine cheered and then muttered under his breath, "I need a drink."
"Thank you, Palpy." Depa said, "You see, we are quite familiar with that song. It was one of our favorites back in middle school."
"Congratulations." Palpatine muttered, "Not surprised at all that you two knew that answer. God forbid you two answer an intelligent question."
"Ha! Like you would know the answer to that if you didn't have that card in front of you!" Adi objected, "Admit it, we knew something you didn't and are therefore of higher intelligence."
"Whatever you say." Palpatine sighed, "Finally, Distinguished Duo, what was your answer?"
"I…um…didn't have one." Qui-Gon sounded insanely ashamed and defeated.
"Well spank my bottom and call me Pickle Girl! The squares didn't know the answer!" Depa cheered.
"I'm not doing either of those things but yes, it does appear that the alleged 'squares' didn't know the answer." Palpatine said, "Which doesn't surprise me. This isn't exactly Qui-Gon's type of music."
"He's got a young padawan. Like Obi-Wan never listened to Backstreet Boys music to try and get the girls to like him!" Adi said, "A lot of guys at our school did. There's nothing hotter than a man who knows all of the words to I Want It That Way in my opinion!"
"And now that Adi has converted the show to a dating website, I'm going to reveal the title and artist responsible for that song." Palpatine said, "That was Larger Than Life by the Backstreet Boys. And the correct lyric was 'wishin' I could thank you in a different way, c'mon'."
"I object! Those lyrics are vulgar! Obscene! We should not be expected to write down such smut as an answer! I'd have to wash my hands for a solid fifteen minutes if I wrote that!" Qui-Gon yelled.
"That was a boy band song, Shaak!" Mace shoved Shaak, "Why didn't you know it?"
"I was…a…um…N*Sync fan. Never really cared for the Backstreet Boys. Now Bye Bye Bye. There's a song!" Shaak said.
"You better not let Adi and Depa find out about this. Probably have a massive cat fight break out." Mace mumbled, "Actually…that might not be such a bad thing…"
Shaak slapped him on the back of the head, "You're such a perv!"
"How exactly is that lyric dirty, Qui-Gon?" Adi baited Qui-Gon.
"Well…how exactly does he want to thank her…it's kind of implied that he wants too…" Qui-Gon just can't bring himself to complete the sentence, "you know…"
"No, I don't know." Adi played dumb, "Maybe he wants to bring her up on stage and give her a rose or a stuffed puppy dog. Or take her out for a delicious but healthy dinner and then go for a little stroll on the beach barefoot. Then take her home and tell her he had a wonderful evening and he'd love to see her again. Then maybe give her a peck on the cheek, if she's okay with it, then make sure she gets into her apartment safely, then drive off to go tell his friends and family that he has met the most amazing girl and he plans to spend the rest of his life with her."
Crickets chirp.
"Well, now that we all know Adi's idea of the perfect date, Qui-Gon why do you think the lyrics are vulgar?" Palpatine wanted to know.
"It's just that the song implies that he wants to thank her in a…physical way." Qui-Gon acted like saying the last two words physically hurt him.
"Well, aren't all thank yous technically physical?" Depa questioned, "I mean if someone says 'thank you' aren't their vocal cords physically moving to produce the sounds required? Or if someone sends you a thank you card, isn't that card a physical entity and doesn't the sender have to physically write it and then physically put it in an envelope and then physically put a stamp on it and then physically walk out to their mailbox, and then physically put it in the mailbox, and then the mail carrier physically picks it up and then…"
"IT IS IMPLYING THAT HE WANTS TO THANK HER BY HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER!" Qui-Gon screamed.
Adi and Depa instantly fainted the second they heard Qui-Gon say 'sexual'. Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi were in hysterics. Mace and Shaak's mouths dropped open.
"Qui-Gon…just…said…sexual…on universal television." Shaak stammered, "This…is…the…happiest…day…of…my life." She had tears in her eyes.
"Okay, I'm hoping the editors can take of all of that. I'm just going to read the scores, skip the last music question, give the Lean and Green team a point because the answer to the last question actually was Three Times A Lady, and then we'll go to commercials. Sound good? Awesome." Palpatine said, "The scores are Lean and Green with 2, Springy Velociraptors with 2, and Damsels in Success with 2, and they are rapidly gaining on the Distinguished Duo who have 4 points. Tune in after the break for our next round. The geography round."
"Okay, the cameras are off. Go try to resuscitate Adi and Depa and tell them what Qui-Gon is up to. I'll go tell Yoda and Ki-Adi-Mundi." Mace told Shaak.
"Okay." Shaak scurried over to the Damsels in Success desk.
"Adi? Depa? Hello? You two want to come back to the land of the living?" She shook the two Jedi but got no response, "Adi? Depa?"
No reply.
"Hmm…okay you two leave me no other choice." Shaak held both of her hands up high, "I've been wanting to do this for years!"
SMACK!
She walloped both Jedi on the back of the head super hard.
"Ow!" Adi cried as she woke up, "Shaak, what's your deal?"
Depa was too stunned to say anything.
"I need to tell you all our plan. You see Qui-Gon signed us up for this…" Shaak started.
"No he didn't." Adi objected, "We signed us up for this."
"What?" Shaak was totally confused, "You two are on this show voluntarily?"
"Yes. You see, we felt like this show needed some fresh faces and a sense of fun. Not just a bunch of boring old Jedi answering a few pointless questions. It needs some silliness here and there. We've actually known the answer to every single question tonight but we gave silly answers to keep it interesting." Depa explained.
"The more I learn about you two…the less I understand you two." Shaak said, "But anyway, we can't let Qui-Gon win. We want to humiliate him on universal TV."
"I think he just did that pretty well himself just now. He did just scream 'sexual' you know." Adi stated.
"Yeah, I know. I was here." Shaak replied rolling her eyes, "Anyway, just don't let Qui-Gon win, okay?"
"You got it chief!" Depa saluted Shaak.
"Don't worry you can always count on us!" Adi saluted Shaak as well.
"Okay then." Shaak turned to walk away and then muttered under her breath, "Maybe I hit you two a little bit too hard…"
She returned to her desk.
"Yoda and Ki are in. They're going to do everything they can to keep Qui-Gon from winning." Mace said once she sat down.
"Adi and Depa are in too…I think. I honestly have no idea what is going on in their tiny little minds." Shaak sighed.
The commercials continued for a few more minutes.
…
After the commercial break came the geography round. Then the movie trivia round. Then the history round. Then it was finally time for the last round which was the grab bag round. Any questions from any categories.
"And as we go into the last round, we have an unexpectedly close race here now." Palpatine said, "Lean and Green, Springy Velociraptors, and Damsels in Success are all tied with 14 points and they are all just two points behind the Distinguised Duo who have 16 points." Palpatine announced, "So let's begin the final round of questions! Our first question is from the history category."
Adi and Depa groaned.
"I thought we were finished with that boring category." Depa whined.
"But you two got all of the questions right in that category." Palpatine pointed out.
"But that doesn't mean we we're happy about it!" Depa pouted.
Palpatine sighed, he's really close to his breaking point, "The question is what is the name of the Sith lord who could prevent people from dying?"
Crickets chirp. Their wee little legs are getting quite the workout tonight!
"Palpy…how do you know what a Sith lord is?" Adi asked.
"I um…I…er…I…" Palpatine started sweating, "I researched it a bit for the show. I figured this would be an easy question for you all."
"Are you sure you're not a Sith lord?" Ki-Adi-Mundi asked.
"No…" Palpatine's eyes shot back and forth suspiciously.
"Because if you or someone you love is a Sith lord there is help. You can call the Sith lord hotline at 1-800-555-EVIL." Shaak explained.
"…there's a Sith lord hotline?" Palpatine asked, "Bet that's a pretty boring job."
"It's just one Jedi sitting by a phone all day. We all rotate. Today was Plo's turn. The phone hasn't rung yet. Either there aren't any Sith lords out there or there aren't any Sith lords out there who want us to know about them." Shaak said, "We're not sure which."
"Inspiring." Palpatine said, "Anyway, anybody care to answer the question?"
"We already did while you were getting all sweaty and shifty-eyed." Mace replied.
"Oh…well…um…" Palpatine loosened his collar, "Well, let's see your answers."
"Darth Plagueis"
"Darth Plagueis"
"Darth Plagueis"
"Darth Plagueis"
"And it's Darth Plagueis all the way around! Every team gets a point!" Palpatine cheered, "Alright now the third from last question is in the movies category. The question is: What was the name of the skunk in Bambi?"
The teams wrote down their answers.
"Alright. Let's see your answers." Palpatine said.
"Flower"
"Flower"
"Flower "
"Bambi is an inappropriate movie therefore I refuse to answer this question"
Palpatine sighed, he was way too tired to deal with this, "Okay Qui-Gon. I'll bite. Why is Bambi inappropriate? The other three teams are correct by the way."
"Is it because the mommy deer dies?" Adi asked.
"Well, yes, that is a part of my problem with the film." Qui-Gon said, "But the main reason it is inappropriate is because at the end when all of the animals have matured they get…you know…"
"No we don't know." Palpatine snipped, "What do they get?"
"…the film calls it 'twitterpated' but I'm pretty sure we all know what they were really implying." Qui-Gon replied.
"No we don't all know what they were really implying!" Palpatine snapped, "Qui-Gon don't you realize that insinuating supposedly inappropriate things is just as bad as actually saying them? So you may as well just say it!"
"I refuse!" Qui-Gon folded his arms.
"You're a sick man, Qui-Gon!" Depa shouted, "You take a sweet little kid's movie like Bambi and immediately focus in one the one possibly sexual aspect of it! You're perverse! I don't want you around the younglings anymore!"
"How did you get any of the questions in the movie category right? I remember questions about Terminator, Alien, Black Swan, and Pulp Fiction. How did you manage to answer those?" Mace wanted to know.
"I actually consulted my teammate for those answers." Qui-Gon said, "I have refused to allow myself to exposed to such vulgar films. But he had seen all of them. Apparently he's quite the movie buff. So I took the duct tape off of his mouth and let him tell me the answers."
"What if he had refused to tell you the answers?" Mace inquired.
"I told him that if he refused I would come to the council chambers every day and read Jedi Master Guidelines for six hours." Qui-Gon smirked.
"That's foul man." Mace shook his head, "You're a sick and twisted individual."
"ENOUGH!" Palpatine yelled, "Points for everyone except freakin' Qui-Gon! So now the other three teams are only one point behind the Distinguished Duo. Second to last question comes from the science category and it reads: What is the copper-rich protein in the blood of squids that gives their blood a blue color when oxygenated?"
"That had a lot of big words in it, Palpy." Depa pointed out.
"Yes. It did." Palpatine replied, "But you can do it! I have the utmost of faith in you…not…"
Depa made a pouty face and wrote down the answer.
"Okay, let's look at the answers." Palpatine said.
"Hemocyanin"
"Hemocyanin"
"Hemocyanin"
"Qui-Gon? Where is your answer?" Palpatine wanted to know.
"What? I know I wrote hemocyanin. Why isn't it showing up?" Qui-Gon demanded.
"I'm not sure. Technical difficulties maybe. Let's have someone go check out Qui-Gon's writing template." Palpatine said.
A technician hurried over to Qui-Gon's desk and began messing around with wires.
"Here's the problem." The technician said, "The pen was unplugged. That's why it didn't write anything."
"I demanded a redo! It is not my fault I was provided with lousy equipment!" Qui-Gon snipped.
"Sorry, no redos." Palpatine said, "The only question I have left is the last one. So right now all of the teams are tied!"
The audience gasped.
"BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Qui-Gon yelled, "I wrote the right answer and you know it!"
"No, I don't know it because I can't see it." Palpatine said, "Your pen was unplugged."
"I wonder how that happened." Mace spoke up, "Seems like it would take a lot of effort to unplug one of these."
He glanced over at the heavily duct-taped Eeth Koth who gave him a wink. Later tonight Eeth would explain to Mace that after trying for the entire four hours of filming, he managed to kick the plug on Qui-Gon's pen loose to prevent Qui-Gon from answering.
"Okay ladies and gentlemen. Here is our final question. And it's a very special one because the answer is based on a poll that we sent out last week. This poll asked every citizen in the galaxy who is the most annoying Jedi Master. This is the last question, teams. Whoever answers it correctly wins that chocolate Acklay! According to everyone in the galaxy, who is the most annoying Jedi Master?"
The first three teams had their answer written instantly. Qui-Gon on the other hand just kept writing and writing and writing and writing.
"Qui-Gon there is no reason you should be writing that much." Palpatine said, "Last time I checked the longest Jedi name on record had only 25 characters in it."
"I'm having trouble picking just one Jedi." Qui-Gon replied smartly.
Palpatine just rolled his eyes as Qui-Gon continued to write. Finally Qui-Gon put down his now-plugged-back-in pen and folded his hands neatly on the desk.
"You finished?" Palpatine demanded.
"Yes sir." Qui-Gon said.
"Okay, let's look at the answers." Palpatine said:
"Qui-Gon Jinn"
"Qui-Gon Jinn"
"Qui-Gon Jinn (that gray-haired, bearded wanker over there)"
"Mace Windu, Shaak Ti, Depa Billaba, Adi Gallia, Eeth Koth, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Yaddle, Yarael Poof, Oppo Rancisis, Plo Koon, and Saesee Tiin"
"Well ladies and gentlemen, it appears that three of our teams have the correct answer. The other obviously has some denial issues to work out. As everyone but Qui-Gon Jinn knows, Qui-Gon Jinn is the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy. One hundred and ten percent of all the people we surveyed answered "Qui-Gon Jinn" when asked who the most annoying Jedi in the galaxy was. And I say 110% because 10% of the people surveyed believed he was SO annoying that they came back and voted again." Palpatine said, "So it looks like…"
"I object!" Qui-Gon shouted, "That is not a common knowledge question! That is an opinion question!"
"No Qui-Gon, based on what I witnessed here tonight, it's a fact." Palpatine argued, "So for the first time in the history of the Jedi Trivia Bowl, we have a three-way tie between Lean and Green, Springy Velociraptors, and Damsels in Success!"
The crowd went wild! YAY!
"Now the real question is, how will you all divide up that chocolate Acklay?" Palpatine wanted to know.
"We decided that making Qui-Gon look like an idiot repeatedly was reward enough." Mace said, "So we're going to donate that chocolate Acklay to the entire planet! Everybody drop by the temple tomorrow and we'll give you a piece!"
The audience got wilder! Not just because of the offering of free chocolate but because Gene Wilder made his way into the studio…not sure why…maybe he's lost. YAY!
"And Qui-Gon, since you lost you get this lovely, magnificent life-sized cardboard cut-out of Steve Buscemi in an orange Speedo! I know you will cherish it forever!" Palpatine said.
A stage hand walked out and gave Qui-Gon the cut-out.
"I have never been so humiliated in my life!" Qui-Gon griped, "I was supposed to win! I was supposed to beat those morons! I don't think I can get more humiliated!"
"Oh, I think you can." Palpatine said, "Check out the pop-up action on that cut-out.
…
…
"OH MY WORD!"
And with those last three words, Qui-Gon ran out of the studio and into the night, never to be seen again…
…
…
…okay so he will be seen again when we write another chapter. A chapter of this story ain't nothing without some Qui-Gon whining!
So the other Jedi shared their chocolate and it was a happy, happy day for all. The Damsels in Success were offered their own TV show but turned it down because they believed it would interfere with their ability to grow bananas in their coat closet.
…and on that note…
THE END
©7/28/11-7/29/11
Puff'N'Weed
…Google helped too. He's my homie.