Disclaimer: Not ours
Author's note: We are...so sorry. It's been over a year without an update and that's really unfortunate. We had wanted to get this written and posted when we visited each other this summer, but we got too distracted over the ability to poke each other and stuff. But Puff just got this to me about an hour (it's like my birthday present!) and I tried to proof read it as best I could. Don't judge me too hard for any mistakes you see; I was just so excited about finally being able to post something. Yay!
As always, review! We'll give you, I don't know, cyber-cereal or something.
The Jedi Council are a bunch of morons who lack basic life skills
Part 19: The Water Park Times
Mace sighed. He'd done that a lot in the last half hour and it did not seem to be having any effect on his current situation. Half an hour ago Qui-Gon Jinn decided to grace the Jedi Council with his presence…and a complaint about how the water in the drinking fountain just outside the third floor women's restroom was about three degrees too cold.
"Qui-Gon, if the water in the fountain outside of the women's restroom offends you so much, why don't you use the one outside of the men's restroom?" Depa asked exasperatedly (we're going to have a little drinking game this chapter. Take a shot whenever someone gets exasperated while talking to Qui-Gon…actually don't do that. We'd hate for y'all to die of alcohol poisoning).
"Yeah, why are you creeping around outside the ladies' room? That's weird!" Plo agreed.
"The fountain is not in the ladies' room it is in the hallway beside the door to the ladies' room. The hallway is public space. Anyone can occupy it." Qui-Gon defended himself.
"Oh really?" Adi smirked, "So, is it okay if some Sith lords decide to chill in the hallway?"
"Of course not!" Qui-Gon shouted.
"What about rabid bears? Can we have rabid bears in the hallway?" Yarael wanted to know.
"No! What I meant was…" Qui-Gon defended himself.
"Nudists! Let's have lots and lots of nudists stand in the hallway!" Shaak contributed to the madness, "Would you have a problem with that, Qui-Gon?"
"YES, I would very much have a problem with that!" Qui-Gon yelled. He took a deep breath to regain his composure, "Masters, I am simply saying that I expect a certain degree of quality to the living conditions here at the temple. I expect there to be a standard for important things like drinking fountain water temperature, floor tile shininess, picture frame straightness, and toilet flush speed and efficiency (?). I am simply saying that by dispensing water that is three degrees cooler than all the other fountains the third floor water fountain just outside the ladies' room is not up to the standards of this facility. I think it should be removed and converted to scrap metal."
Qui-Gon had just said a lot and there were several words with more than four letters so it took the Jedi a few minutes to process exactly what he had said. They sat there and stared at him, mouths slightly agape when Eeth broke the silence.
"Up to the standards of this facility?" He repeated, "Qui-Gon, this is the freakin' Jedi Temple, not a Motel Six! We are not trying to satisfy customers, we are providing a place for Jedi to live and learn the ways of the Force. And one of the main things that the Force entails is focusing on your own inner peace in spite of all the adversity around you."
"I know that." Qui-Gon scoffed, "What's your point?"
"My point is most Jedi…" Eeth continued, "and by 'most' I of course mean literally every Jedi except you, most Jedi have more important things to focus on than water fountain temperature. And they are so focused on the Force and the energies around them that they probably won't even notice slightly cooler water!"
"He's basically saying no one cares, Qui-Gon!" Shaak cried, getting sick of all the talking and long words. This scenario was giving her traumatic flashbacks to The Phantom Menace (even though that hasn't happened yet? And she wasn't in it?), "No one cares and it doesn't matter and I missed The People's Court because of your whining, so get out of here or I will stick your face in that fountain and hold it there until you either drown or freeze to death since apparently it's that cold!"
Everyone stared at Shaak in shock (that kinda rhymes!). Her eyes were wide and her breathing was fast and shallow. All the other Jedi stared at her in slight horror.
"Yeah…remind me to restock the tampon machine in the ladies' room this afternoon." Depa whispered to Adi, "I think we've got a storm coming."
Adi nodded.
Qui-Gon sighed, "Masters. I just don't know how to get through to you all anymore."
"Could he ever really get through to us to begin with?" Mace muttered to Ki-Adi-Mundi.
"Perhaps I need to work on my communication skills." Qui-Gon decided, "I was recently informed, to my shock and surprise, by Obi-Wan that I have a tendency to blame others for my own possible short-comings. Perhaps it is my own inability to communicate the seriousness of this situation that is causing you Masters to fail to understand the detrimental magnitude of the third floor ladies' room water fountain temperature. I shall study up on communicating effectively and return next week."
"Could you give us a time frame when you might be back next week?" Plo asked, "I would hate to be like out on an assignment…or dead…and miss your presentation."
"Next Wednesday at 3:31 pm." Qui-Gon replied.
"Okey-dokey." Plo pulled out his personal planner and wrote 'get robe hopelessly caught in elevator shaft next Wednesday at 3:29 pm'.
"Thank you masters. I shall return." Qui-Gon bowed and left.
"I hate that man." Yoda muttered, "With fire, kill him."
The other masters were kinda worried about this statement. But not really. I mean seriously who cares?
"All this talk about cold water makes me want to go up to that fountain and soak myself in it." Adi decided to direct to conversation away from murder and killing and fire and stuff, "It's getting hot in here."
"So take off all your clothes!" Mace sang. And was promptly swatted on the back of the head with a Gimmer stick.
"Mace. Remember that talk we had last week about workplace harassment?" Yoda asked.
"Yeah. Didn't listen though. Was thinking about cereal." Mace replied, "Anyway, I agree with Adi. It's like a freakin' oven in here. It's almost as hot as my burning rage and hatred for Qui-Gon."
"Well I don't think we'd all fit in the third floor ladies' room water fountain." Shaak said.
"If only there was some place else with water. Cold water." Eeth lamented (ooh fancy wordage!)
At that moment, some Padawans from the Temple's AV department (that's Audio/Video for you whipper-snappers who may be too young to remember such things) burst through the Council chamber doors pushing a large TV on a cart.
"Is today Bill Nye the Science Guy day?" Depa asked, bouncing in her seat.
The other Jedi just stared at her blankly.
"What are you two doing here with that very large television?" Yoda wanted to know.
"You all didn't order it?" One of the Padawans asked.
The other Padawan grabbed a clipboard off the cart the TV was on and started flipping through the papers on it.
"It says right here that the Council chamber requested a TV for 2 pm today." He read.
"Who signed for it?" Mace asked.
"Hmm…" The Padawan looked back down at the clipboard, "Apparently they didn't sign their name. They just wrote 'OK'."
The masters were now puzzled. They hadn't been required to use this much brain power since that really complicated nautical-themed crossword they'd solved on the kid's menu at Red Lobster last week.
"Does it say why we need this TV?" Mace asked.
"Umm…it says 'it is the will of The Force'." The Padawan read.
"Dude!" The other Padawan said, "Way cryptic!"
The masters exchanged looks for a while. Except for Depa. She was curled up in the fetal position crying softly (the only appropriate reaction for someone who was anticipating Bill Nye the Science Guy and then denied it).
"Well, if it's the will of The Force, leave the TV here." Ki-Adi-Mundi decided.
"Okay." One of the Padawans replied as the other one started hooking up the TV, "Have fun watching whatever it is you will be watching!"
The two Padawans hurried off.
The masters stared at the TV for a while.
"Should we…" Plo paused, "…turn it on?"
"I certainly hope it doesn't have some sex ed video left in it." Adi said, "I don't think I could sit through Blossoming Into Womanhood again."
Adi, Depa, Yaddle, and Shaak all shuddered violently.
At that moment the TV turned itself on! :-O
The Jedi all leapt out of their seats and drew their lightsabers.
"Haunted TV! Haunted TV!" Shaak screamed, "Get the salt and gasoline!"
RAITMOTS: Yeah, Puff has been hitting the Supernatural pretty hard lately…
The TV turned to static for about five seconds and then a commercial came on.
An announcer started spouting off questions in quality get-in-as-many-words-as-possible-in-a-30-second-time-slot fashion, "Are you bored? Hot? Dryer than a Tuskan Raider's bum? Then why not come have fun, cool off, and get wet at Splash City Coruscant?"
By now the TV screen was mesmerizing the Jedi with images of happy people in swimsuits going down water slides and splashing in pools.
The announcer continued, "Splash City Coruscant is home to over 50 water rides and attractions. Actually it's probably closer to 100 if you count our lifeguard staff as attractions!"
The screen showed a very tan male lifeguard with the muscular body of an Olympic swimmer wearing a tiny red Speed-O. He grinned and winked at the camera.
"Actually I'd probably count him as a ride." Depa muttered to Adi who nodded in agreement.
RAITMOTS: O_O We…are so sorry. We stopped actually thinking about what we type a long time ago.
The announcer continued, "So what are you waiting for? Come on down to Splash City Coruscant now! Now! Right now! NOW! AAAAAGGGGHHH!"
The announcer's intense yelling caused the TV to actually shake. It almost fell off of its tiny cart (thank goodness they put those little seatbelts on those things!).
An address flashed across the screen and the commercial ended. The TV turned itself off.
"Oh…my…sweet…Cheerios." Mace whispered in awe.
"That place…looked…incredible." Oppo gasped.
"We…we have to go there, right?" Plo asked, "This TV and this commercial; they are a sign from The Force that we must go to Splash City, right?"
"Are they allowed to say 'bum' on TV?" Yarael asked to no one in particular.
"Think Plo is right I do." Yoda said, "Go to Splash City we must. The will of The Force it is."
The Jedi cheered!
"Get your swimsuits on. Leave in half an hour we will." Yoda said.
The Jedi stampeded out of the chambers like kids leaving school to start summer break. They raced to their personal chambers to get ready.
…
Half an hour later, the Jedi were ready to go. They piled into two speeders and took off. The drive was relatively uneventful. They got caught in a traffic jam because of construction and their GPS tried to find them an alternate route but ended up putting them on a creepy dirt road that eventually dead-ended (this happened this July to a certain Weed who shall remain anonymous)(I blame that road for us not writing this chapter then. The horror.). Then they had a couple dozen Chinese fire drills. Then one of the speeders malfunctioned and crashed into a bill board for Bailey's (which someone had graffitied a cartoon Old Gregg on). No one was injured and the speeder was still drivable. Then they played the license plate game which of course ended in a lot of obscenities and some mild bloodshed. Then they picked up a Hutt hitchhiker who claimed he was trying to save the world from mutant corn silos with fangs…the five gallon jug of tequila he was carrying made his story slightly less than believable.
So overall a pretty boring trip. Not a lot happened. I've had more eventful trips to the laundromat. (I'm calling shenanigans. I know where you live.)
They arrived at Splash City and parked in the parking lot (betcha didn't see that coming! Shyamalan twist!)
They all literally ran to the front gate and asked for tickets. For good measure Shaak issued the guy at the ticket counter a death threat should he not meet their demands.
Finally, approximately twelve hours after they'd left the Temple, the Jedi were at Splash City (but it's still daylight. They passed through several time zones so it's about 2 pm where they are (2 am back at the Temple). Deal with it!
"What should we ride first?" Yoda asked.
"Well, I don't see the lifeguard from the commercial anywhere…" Adi looked around. Mace shoved her.
She shoved him back. He used the Force to hurl a lawn chair at her. She used to Force to hurl a pretzel cart at him. They were both hauled off by security and thrown into a detention cell for an hour.
The others watched as their colleagues were dragged away.
"Anyone else think we should just head back to the Temple now and leave them here?" Oppo wanted to know.
"I ain't going nowhere until I ride the giant toilet bowl I saw on the commercial!" Depa disagreed.
"Giant toilet bowl?" Eeth repeated, "So we'd be like…pieces of excrement?"
He then glanced around nervously, waiting for Qui-Gon to appear out of nowhere and scold him for using a naughty word. Even though there are much naughtier words he could've used to end that sentence.
"Yep! That's been a lifelong dream of yours, right, Eeth?" Depa chuckled.
"So what Mister Rogers said about never going down the drain…that was all a lie?!" Shaak had tears in her eyes.
Depa hugged her, "Don't worry. The giant toilet bowl sends you down the drain and into a splash pool where sexy lifeguards help you out of your raft. Sound fun?"
Shaak grinned and nodded, "Let's go!"
All the Jedi linked arms ("We're Off To See The Wizard" style!) and skipped off towards the giant toilet bowl.
It was two people per raft. So the Jedi paired up: Shaak and Depa, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda, Eeth and Yarael, Oppo and Yaddle, Saesee and Plo. Is that everyone? I lose track of all these weirdos.
Eeth and Yarael went down first. Naturally, Yarael clonked his head on the top of the first tunnel the inner tube went through and was unconscious for the rest of the ride. Eeth was screaming like he was being murdered. Honestly, he was having the time of his life but evilly, he was trying to scare the small children waiting in line.
After the lifeguards hauled Yarael's unconscious body out of the inner tube it was Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's turn. They went down the slide and their inner tube was spit out into the giant toilet bowl…where it promptly got stuck. For whatever reason they didn't have enough momentum to make it all the way around and down the tube at the center of the bowl. They were stuck behind that tube.
RAITMOTS: This almost happned to Puff and Weed once. Awkward. Maybe don't ride giant toilets with Puff.
The lifeguard at the top of the ride was stumped.
"Are they stuck down there?" Oppo asked.
"It looks that way." The lifeguard replied.
"How do we get them out? Is there like a giant plunger for this thing?" Plo wanted to know.
"No." The lifeguard thought for minute and then went with the only obvious solution, "We'll just have to send more of you down until one of you bumps into them and gets them moving again."
"That sounds…incredibly dangerous." Saesee disagreed.
"That sounds incredible awesome you mean!" Depa cheered.
She and Shaak hopped into their raft and pushed themselves down the slide without even waiting for the lifeguard to tell them it was okay.
They went down the slide and were spit out in the toilet bowl where they went around and around and did eventually crash into Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's inner tube but not with enough force to push them loose. Realizing that wasn't going to work, Shaak reached out her hand in attempt to grab the stuck inner tube and pull it down the drain with hers. But her arm wasn't long enough. She and Depa's inner tube went down the drain and crashed into the splash pool where they were extremely disappointed that while the lifeguards who stopped their inner tube were attractive; they were also female. Shaak and Depa exited the splash pool and sat on a bench to pout their misfortune.
RAITMOTS: Apparently the whole Jedi "no sex" thing has just completely gone out the window by this point.
So, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda were still stuck in the middle of the toilet bowl. Plo and Saesee didn't manage to get them free. It was now down to Oppo and Yaddle. Before going down the slide, Oppo braided his beard into a lasso. Once their inner tube was spit out into the toilet bowl, he whirled it over his head then tossed it at Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's stranded inner tube. It managed to snag one of the handles!
Finally, Ki-Adi-Mundi and Yoda's inner tube was pulled down the drain by the power of Oppo's beard.
Beards are mighty powerful. Yes indeed.
Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Oppo, and Yaddle exited the splash pool and met up with the others. What to ride next?
…
Meanwhile in the detention cell…
"I can't believe I'm missing out on the fun because you're an idiot." Adi grumbled at Mace.
"Maybe if you could keep your hormones under control!" Mace snapped, "You act like an out of control teenager!"
"I merely said that a lifeguard I saw on TV was attractive." Adi shrugged, "You were the one who turned it into a shoving match. Why did what I said offend you so much?"
"Well…" Mace stammered, "First of all, we are Jedi and we aren't supposed to be thinking about stuff like that. And second of all…maybe I got a little jealous."
Adi's eyes were the size of grapefruits.
"Say what?!" She squeaked, "Jealous?!"
"Adi." Mace sighed, "Surely not even someone as dense as you can ignore the chemistry between us. Remember how we kinda flirted it up at the end of the Road Trip chapter?"
See Chapter 11 for details! And shrimp! …okay not really shrimp. But definitely details!
By this point Adi could do nothing but stare.
"It's just that…" Mace took a deep breath, "If you are going to choose to ignore the whole 'attachment is forbidden' thing…I just always kinda hoped you'd do it for me."
Adi was still quite stunned. As were the writers. We weren't really expecting this twist either.
"I guess I just never realized you felt that way about me." Adi replied, "I mean you treat me like a total moron."
"I treat like everyone like a total moron." Mace muttered, "It's just my style I guess. I think everyone is moron." He paused, "But you're my favorite moron."
Adi smiled, "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. You're my favorite moron too."
"Thanks Adi. That means a lot to me." Mace grinned, "What do you say we bust out of this cell and go join the other morons?"
"Sounds like a plan!" Adi agreed.
Mace pulled a screwdriver out of his robe and carefully took all of the screws off of the mesh over the window. Without the metal lattice, Adi was able to use a hair clip to pick the lock on the window and push it open. The two of them carefully climbed out the window and scurried off to find their fellow morons.
…
The other morons had made their way over to the body slides. They were waiting in line on a staircase that ended on a deck. At the top of the deck were three different body slides, all three completely enclosed and all three painted black (I've ridden a slide like this…talk about feeling like sewage!)
"I don't know about this. I'm a bit claustrophobic." Plo admitted.
"It's June, Plo." Eeth pointed out, "I don't think we have to worry about running into Santa Claus."
The other Jedi just stared at him like he was an idiot. Which he is, I guess.
"You'll be fine, Plo." Ki-Adi-Mundi assured, "You can't suffocate because you have that masky thingy."
Plo sighed, "Okay. But if I die of a heart attack, you freaks stay away from my funeral."
At that moment Adi and Mace spotted the others and ran up to them, ignoring the glares of people they cut in front of waiting in line. Not sure why they didn't just Jedi mind trick them.
"Did you all have fun in the detention center?" Depa cackled.
"Did they make you write 'I will not use my mind powers to throw pretzel carts at people' on the chalkboard one hundred times?" Shaak added to the taunting.
"No but we did decide that you're all morons." Adi retorted.
"Can't argue with that I guess." Depa shrugged.
Finally the Jedi reached the front of the line. Depa decided to be brave and go down first. Naturally, she pretended like she didn't understand how she was supposed to lay on the slide (with her legs crossed at the ankles and her arms crossed over her chest) just so the lifeguard (who looked somewhat like Joseph Gordon-Levitt) would have to help her.
"No ma'am, cross your arms on your chest, not behind your head." The JGL lifeguard explained.
"Like this?" Depa asked, crossing her arms over her eyes like a person shielding themselves from an explosion.
"Closer but not quite." The JGL lifeguard said, "Over your chest, like a mummy."
"I'm not a mummy but I wouldn't mind being one someday. If I can find the right guy." Depa replied with a wink.
The JGL lifeguard's eyes quadrupled in size. He couldn't have looked more horrified if Depa had funnel-web spiders crawling out of her eye sockets. He took a deep breath to regain his composure.
"Like this." He demonstrated how Depa should cross her arms.
"Oh okay!" Depa said and flung her arms out to the sides, Jack and Rose on the bow of the Titanic style.
The JGL lifeguard apparently has the patience of a saint, "No that's still not quite it." He knelt down beside her, "May I?"
"Absolutely." Depa replied with a grin.
The JGL lifeguard took Depa's wrists in his hands (causing Depa to look up at Adi and Shaak and mouth, "He's touching me!" To which they responded with cheeky grins and silent clapping.) and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Just like that." He said, "Enjoy the ride!"
"I plan to. " Depa replied slyly, "What time do you get off work?"
Unable to stomach anymore of this insane and creepy flirting, Plo stepped forward, put his foot on Depa's shoulder and kicked her down the slide. She screamed profanity at him the entire way down.
"Okay…um…who's next?" The JGL lifeguard asked while contemplating radioing his supervisor and asking whether or not he needed to fill out a workplace sexual harassment report after his encounter with Depa.
Adi and Shaak's hands shot up and the JGL lifeguard looked like a deer in the headlights. Yoda sensed how uncomfortable the lifeguard was at the prospect of being molested again (hell, you didn't have to be Yoda to sense it! The poor lifeguard was clearly about to dive headfirst down the slide with his shirt, shoes, and gear still on) so he volunteered to go next.
"Oldest I am! More likely to die waiting in line than the rest of you!" Yoda explained.
Adi and Shaak looked defeated. Yoda went down the slide, screaming all the way down (Yoda screaming is hilarious!). Once he was at the bottom, a female lifeguard appeared at the top of the slide to relieve the JGL lifeguard so he could take a break…and possibly visit the company psychiatrist.
Adi and Shaak looked even more defeated and each went down the slide with pouty looks on their faces. One by one the Jedi went down the long enclosed tube slide until Mace was the only one left. He sat down on the slide and waited for the lifeguard to give him the signal to go.
At the bottom of the slide, the other Jedi were all talking about how they all nearly suffocated in the hot, dark, enclosed slide. Seriously, have you ever been on a slide like this? Not fun! Not to mention the hydro-wedgies!
"I feel bad for sewage now. I can't imagine going through that every day." Saesee commented.
"Poor sewage." Shaak agreed.
"Maybe someday I will see the bottom of my tankini again." Adi whined as she sat down uncomfortably on a park bench, "It may require surgery but I will see it again."
"Too much info." Plo winced.
The Jedi all turned to the slide to watch Mace come out. But Mace did not come out. A piece of blue fabric did.
"What is that?" Yarael asked.
Eeth scurried over to the splash trough that the slide emptied in to. Instead of emptying into a pool like the toilet bowl slide, this one just spit the rider out into a long trough with about two feet of standing water. The water would slow the rider's decent and they would stop in the trough…unless the rider had too much momentum, in which case I suppose they would just shoot straight off the end of the trough and into the iron fence around the ride. Ouch.
Eeth reached into the trough and pulled out the soaked blue fabric.
…it was Mace's swim trunks.
They had made it to the end of the slide without him.
"What is it?" Shaak called.
With a stunned look on his face, Eeth raised the swim trunks up so the other Jedi could see. They all gasped.
"But if the swim trunks are down here…and Mace is not down here…then…that means…" Adi's voice trailed off.
"HOLY HAMSTER ON A PIANO, MACE IS NAKED SOMEWHERE!" Plo screamed.
The other Jedi screamed as well and started running around in circles. Other park visitors just stared at them and debated calling security.
A few seconds later, Mace emerged from the slide with a big spray of water. He skidded to a stop in the water trough and immediately crossed his arms awkwardly over his lap. He glanced up at Eeth.
"I, um…" Mace started, "I…think you have something that…um…belongs to me."
Eeth nodded frantically and tossed the swim trunks to Mace.
"Alright now, everybody close your eyes!" Mace shouted.
"Why?" Adi asked, "Are you ashamed of your body?"
"No!" Mace snapped, "It's just…this water is cold, man."
Shaak, Depa, Adi, and Yaddle all giggled. The male Jedi nodded in sympathy. Everyone closed their eyes and Mace put his swim trunks back on.
"Alright, what's next?" Mace asked.
"Someone finds me a set of tongs so I can retrieve the bottom of my tankini?" Adi suggested, wincing as she stood up from the park bench.
"Um. Gross." Saesee muttered, "How about the wave pool?"
"Sounds good." Oppo agreed.
"I'm in." Eeth nodded.
"I'll pass." Shaak said, "The urine to water ratio in the average public pool is just too high for my liking. I'm going to go work on my tan."
Everyone stared at her for a bit.
"Yeah, well…don't burn." Ki-Adi-Mundi said, "We'd hate for you to get all red."
"I won't." Shaak smiled, "Thanks for your concern, Ki."
Shaak and Yaddle both went off to find some lounge chairs. The others all splashed into the wave pool. Depa, Adi, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, and Yarael all started a game of Marco Polo…which with the Force ability to see with your eyes closed was kind of pointless. Yoda was floating around in a ducky ring sipping a red blended drink with an umbrella in it. Mace, Eeth, Plo, and Saesee all went out to the deep end until they could barely touch the bottom.
"This has been the best day ever!" Eeth said, "I'm so happy the Force willed us to come here."
"Me too!" Plo agreed.
"I'm still suspicious about that TV randomly being sent to us." Saesee confessed, "But I'm still having fun."
Suddenly a foghorn sound filled the air and the swimmers around the Jedi all screamed. Then silence.
"What was that?" Mace wondered.
"I don't know." Eeth replied.
Then there was a loud "whoosh" sound and the four Jedi turned to see an eight-foot tall wall of water rushing towards them.
"Oh yeah, I forgot Splash City's wave pool boasts the tallest man-made waves in the galaxy." Plo said.
"Man-made?" Eeth repeated, "But I thought Rodian engineers built this park?"
Everyone ignored him. The giant wave was now only about ten feet away from the four Jedi.
"So…what do we do?" Saesee asked, slightly frantic.
Mace looped his arm around Saesee's and then his other around Eeth's. Eeth looped his other arm around Plo's arm. The four Jedi stood there, arms linked, facing the approaching wall of water.
"Gentlemen, it has been a privilege protecting the galaxy with you." Mace said.
The wave hit them. They all lost their grips on each other and were shoved backwards as though they were hit by an invisible bus. For a few slightly horrifying seconds they were completely out of control of their bodies, mercilessly being dragged by the water. Then the four of them emerged about ten feet away from their previous standing spot and a few feet away from each other. They all exchanged looks.
"That…was…" Plo stammered, "Freakin' AMAZING!"
Mace, Eeth, and Saesee cheered in agreement.
RAITMOTS: Puff witnessed four dudes do this last time she was at a water park. It was hilarious!
The wave had little or no effect on the Jedi in the shallow end of the pool. However the force of it caused the umbrella to fall out of Yoda's drink.
"No. No. No. No." Yoda objected.
Mace, Eeth, Plo, and Saesee did their little "human chain" thing for a few more giant waves. Then all of the Jedi decided to leave the wave pool.
They rode a few more slides and re-rode the toilet bowl twice. Then they decided to ride one last ride before the park closed. They chose the park's new water coaster. Four riders sat bob-sled style in a raft then went down the slide. But unlike other slides, the water coaster had jets of water which were able to push the rafts uphill again. Like a rollercoaster. Hence the name water coaster. But you smart readers had that figured out already, right? Super fun!
The Jedi all stood in line and argued about who was going to ride with who. Then Yoda spotted his mortal enemy. The thing Yoda feared more than anything else. A "you must be this tall to ride" sign. And he was a good six inches too short.
"What am I going to do?" Yoda thought to himself, "Mind trick the lifeguard I cannot. Dishonest that would be. Hmm…"
Then he got an idea.
"Need to go back to the locker I do. Be back in a few minutes I will." He said and hurried off.
A few minutes later Yoda returned with Mace's brown Jedi cloak.
"What are you doing with that?" Mace wanted to know.
"Need it I do. Too short for this ride I am." Yoda explained.
"And this affects my cloak how?" Mace asked.
"Yaddle, on my shoulders get." Yoda said.
Yaddle hopped up and stood on Yoda's shoulders. She put her head in the hood and then covered her body and Yoda's with the rest of the cloak.
"But my robe is gonna get wet, man!" Mace objected.
"Care about your robe getting wet you do not." Yoda waved his hand in front of Mace's face.
"Care about my robe getting wet I do not." Mace repeated.
"Buy Yoda a burrito you will when back to the temple we get." Yoda added.
"Buy Yoda a burrito I will when back to the temple we get." Mace repeated.
…So mind-tricking a random lifeguard is dishonest but mind-tricking Mace is a non-issue? Oh; Yoda logic!
Finally the Jedi were at the front of the line. Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, Eeth, and Plo would be in one raft. Mace, Adi, Shaak, and Depa would in another raft (poor Mace). And Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle (and the concealed Yoda) would be in a third raft. Got that?
"Excuse me." The lifeguard at the top of the ride said to Yaddle, "Are you sure you want to wear your robe on this ride? It is going to get wet."
"Part of my religion it is." Yaddle replied quickly, "Take it off ever I cannot. Bathe in it I do!"
"Um. Okay then." The lifeguard said, "Who's first?"
Ki-Adi-Mundi, Oppo, Eeth, and Plo went down first and had an awesome time. Mace, Adi, Shaak, and Depa went down next and somehow managed to get their raft turned around so they came out of the tunnel at the end backwards. The lifeguards were all impressed.
Finally it was Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and (unbeknownst to the lifeguards) Yoda's turn. They sat down with the lightest, Yaddle, in front and then went down. Well apparently not only was there a minimum height requirement for this ride, there was also a minimum weight requirement per raft.
And this raft was too light therefore Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and Yoda were all tossed out of the raft on the first hill.
The other Jedi were waiting for their friends next to the splash pool.
"Shouldn't they have come out by now?" Shaak asked, mildly concerned.
"Yeah, I didn't think the ride lasted that long." Adi agreed.
At that moment an empty raft shot out of the tunnel and into the splash pool. Everyone around the pool looked very confused.
"Haunted raft! Haunted raft!" Shaak screamed, "Get the salt and gasoline!"
RAITMOTS: My name is Puff and I am a Supernatural-o-holic.
A few seconds later a flailing and cursing brown robe shot out of the tunnel and crashed into the pool. Yarael, Saesee, Yaddle, and Yoda's heads all surfaced from the water. They were all mildly beaten up after having gone down the slide without a raft. Those water jets can give you a beating. Yes sir. (Someone's speaking from experience, here.)
"Are you alright?" A lifeguard asked as she ran over.
"I'd be better if you could give me that guy who works at the body slide's number." Depa replied.
The lifeguard stared at her, "I was talking to them." She pointed to the people in the pool.
"I know." Depa said, "But seriously, what's his number?"
The lifeguard rolled her eyes and turned back to the beat up people.
"I think we're okay." Yarael said, "Just a bit traumatized."
"Thank goodness." The lifeguard said, "We can't afford another lawsuit this year. If you all need anything, the first aid kiosk is by the front gate. Otherwise have a great day."
She scurried off.
"That's what y'all get for disregarding safety rules." Mace snipped, "And it serves you right for mind-tricking me and stealing my robe!"
"The park is closing guys." Adi spoke up before a fist fight could break out, "I think it's time to leave."
"Yeah. I hate to go but it's been a great day!" Depa said.
The others nodded in agreement. They changed back into their robes, piled into the speeders, and drove home. The ride home was relatively uneventful. They got caught in a traffic jam for an hour because a Goodyear blimp had crash-landed on the road. Then they got pulled over by a cop who just wanted to compliment them on how safely they were driving and gave them all gold star stickers. Then they were flagged down by an ice cream truck driver broken down on the side of the road who was worried his entire load of merchandise would melt before he could reach his destination so he gave them all free ice cream. Then a random Spider-Man impersonator jumped off of an overpass and onto one of the speeders. But then he realized he had the wrong speeder and they weren't bad guys and he was embarrassed, so they gave him ice cream and he felt better and hopped off the roof of the speeder to find the real bad guy. Then a mutant corn silo with fangs grabbed one of the speeders and was about to slam it into a brick wall when the Hutt hitchhiker they'd picked up earlier appeared out of nowhere with a flamethrower and burned the mutant corn silo to ashes. They gave him ice cream to show their gratitude.
So you know, a pretty uneventful trip. I had a more exciting trip to the grocery store this morning.
Okay with all the time zone madness, the Jedi arrived back at the temple a little after midnight…two days after they'd left? Is that right? I can't math! It's late when they get back to the temple! That's all that matters! And even that doesn't matter that much. (?)
The Jedi all showered, then turned in for the night. They were all exhausted after their crazy day and they knew they'd have to deal with Qui-Gon's wraith the next day since they'd taken off unexpectedly.
…
The next morning the Jedi were all still tired, but still had to sit in their chambers. As expected, Qui-Gon showed up bright and early looking most distressed.
"Yes Qui-Gon, I know we were off having fun while the third floor women's restroom water fountain was trying to give you hypothermia but seriously, grow a pair and get over it!" Mace said grumpily.
"What?" Qui-Gon sounded genuinely confused, "Oh no, masters the situation I must discuss with you is much more serious than that!"
"I'm way too tired to sarcastically try and guess what you're going to whine about so just go ahead and tell us." Tired Depa is impatient Depa.
"Obi-Wan is no longer my apprentice and according to temple records he never was!" Qui-Gon cried.
"What?" Yoda asked while munching a breakfast burrito Mace had purchased for him for some 'unknown' reason, "Come again?"
"There is no record of Obi-Wan having ever been my apprentice! It says he has been Master Hazza's apprentice since he started training!" Qui-Gon yelled, "How could this have happened?! He is my apprentice, correct?! I'm not losing my mind, am I?!"
"It would take hours to erase all of that information from the temple records." Ki-Adi-Mundi thought aloud.
"Hours?" Shaak repeated, "Heck, I think it would take like two days."
"Or maybe…" Adi spoke up, "It would take as long as it takes to drive to Splash City, have a super-awesome fun day, and then drive back?"
The other Jedi all exchanged knowing glances. It all suddenly seemed so clear.
"Well, Qui-Gon, I think you're definitely losing your mind." Mace said, "I'm gonna send you to the temple shrink so she can lock you in a room with nice fluffy walls."
"WHAT?!" Qui-Gon screamed, "Masters, you cannot be serious! You know as well as I do that Obi-Wan Kenobi has been my apprentice for well over ten years! Clearly someone has tampered with the temple records!"
"Qui-Gon, you know as well as we do that it would take an experienced hacker days to break into the temple records and delete that much information." Saesee said.
"And Master Hazza will be most displeased when he finds out you're trying to steal his apprentice." Eeth added.
"WHAT?!" Qui-Gon was getting pretty furdigflatchy by this point.
"Qui-Gon, I'm going to tell you one more time to go down and see Dr. Josser so she can give you the help you need. These outbursts are making me begin to worry that you are a threat to yourself and others. If you do not head down to Dr. Josser's office by the time I count to three, I am going to call temple security and have them escort you down there." Mace said.
"But!" Qui-Gon started.
"One." Mace counted.
"Masters, I…" Qui-Gon squeaked.
"Two." Mace continued, ignoring him completely.
"This isn't…" Qui-Gon yelled.
"Thr…" Mace started.
Qui-Gon took in an angry breath, then stormed out of the temple to the temple psychiatrist's office. Where he will hopefully be locked in a padded cell until the end of time…but truthfully we'll probably have him out by the next chapter. Can't have the Jedi Council Behind the Scenes without some Qui-Gon complaining!
As soon as Qui-Gon was out of sight, a very sheepish-looking Obi-Wan appeared in the doorway of the temple chambers.
"Hello masters." He said softly, "I guess you all figured it out then."
"I think we did, Mr. OK." Mace replied.
"Sending us off to a water park, so we would be out of the way while you hacked into the temple records and erased any proof that you are now or have ever been Qui-Gon's apprentice." Adi said, "Pretty smart, Kenobi."
"It was the will of the Force." Obi-Wan smiled sadly, "It's not going to work though, is it?"
"Probably not." Ki-Adi-Mundi answered with a sigh, "Even with the electronic records erased, there is still evidence that you are his apprentice. Other planets where you two had missions together no doubt have a record of your presence. And I know we have paperwork on every Jedi here down in the basement. In the event of an electronic system crash."
"I would estimate it will take about a week for Qui-Gon to escape his padded cell and find evidence that you are his apprentice." Depa told Obi-Wan.
"Oh. Okay then." Obi-Wan said, turning to walk away.
"Where are you going?" Yoda asked.
Obi-Wan turned back to them, "To have the best darn week of my life!"
"Wait a minute!" Shaak called, "I have one more question. Where was Qui-Gon while you were erasing the records?"
"I um…slipped sleeping pills into his tea." Obi-Wan confessed.
"Brilliant." Shaak giggled, "Okay. I guess now you can go have some fun."
Obi-Wan turned to leave again.
"Obi-Wan!" Mace called after him.
Obi-Wan turned back again.
"Thanks for sending us somewhere fun while you did your evil plan instead of just drugging us." Mace said.
"You're welcome, masters." Obi-Wan smiled, "I figured you all were just as fed up with Qui-Gon as I am, so you deserved a little vacation."
"Darn right." Depa muttered.
"Well. Thanks again." Plo said to Obi-Wan, "Now go! This week will be over before you know it!"
Obi-Wan ran down the hall.
"So Obi-Wan is a brilliant criminal mastermind." Adi said.
"Yeah. Thank goodness he's on our side!" Eeth cackled.
The Jedi laughed all cheesy like the end of an episode of The Brady Bunch.
We'll see ya next time!
THE END!
7/11/12-11/14/12
Puff n' Weed