Disclaimer: Not ours. Making no money. Please don't sue us. We are worth nothing.

Author's Note: So...it's been two years. Sorry about that. Kind of. We don't really like to acknowledge the passage of time. So, here it is: Part 2 of Chapter 20. Part 21 coming...in the future. No guaranteed release date because it would be a lie. And lies are bad

(And to all you new people just tuning in: HI! We're crazy here, if you haven't noticed. Do you like butternut squash?

Chapter 20: Part Two

Grocery Shopping 101

Fifteen minutes later, the Jedis' speeder arrived at the grocery store. The drive would take normal people about seven minutes but the Jedi passed a lot of shiny things and were thus distracted several times.

They were, however, smart enough to take Yoda's speeder which was equipped with a handicapped parking tag and thus allowed them to park very close to the store. This would make loading up the insane amount of groceries they planned on purchasing much easier.

"Okay, so let's start at the produce and then work our way around the store." Mace suggested.

"Or we could split up. Each of us tackle a different section." Depa suggested.

"OR you could all shut up!" Shaak shouted, "I hold the coupon binder therefore I decide what we're gonna do! "

Eeth, Mace, and Depa just stared at her.

"Okay. So what's the plan?" Eeth asked.

"Grab a cart and follow me, peasants!" Shaak ordered as she snatched a cart away from the store's elderly greeter and galloped off towards the produce.

The other three Jedi sighed, apologized to the greeter for their companion's rudeness, then each took a cart and headed after Shaak. They stopped in front of the bagged salad display fridge.

"Watch and learn, underlings. Now we're gonna need a crap ton of spinach to make salads." Shaak started, "Ordinarily baby spinach is $1.99 a bag. But as you can see from this little yellow tag, the spinach is on sale this week for just $1.97 a bag. And I just so happen to have forty coupons here for $1.95 off of selected bag salads. So we will be able to get forty bags of spinach for just two cents a bag!"

"That's highway robbery." Eeth muttered, "And we wonder why poor farmers are so poor."

Shaak shrugged, "Their loss. Anyway! On to the next!"

"Hey couldn't we get some carrots to go in the salads?" Depa asked, "Says here they're buy ten and get ten free."

Shaak chuckled. "Oh Depa. Sweet naïve little Depa. Buy something and get something free deals are never worth it. You have much to learn in the world of couponing, young padawan. Besides carrots are not on my list."

Shaak piled forty bags of spinach into her cart. The Jedi continued on their way.

"Young padawan." Depa muttered, "I'm older than her!"

They stopped in the canned goods aisle.

"Now canned goods are already a pretty good deal." Shaak said, "Especially if you're willing to buy lower grade canned fruits and vegetables. The more you're willing to sacrifice taste, visual appeal, and digestibility the more money you can save!"

"I remember reading somewhere that fruits and vegetables with grades lower than C were questionable at best for human consumption…" Eeth pointed out.

"Oh Eeth. Adorable childlike Eeth. That's all a conspiracy made up by stores to try and get people to buy higher grade foods. They wouldn't sell it here if people couldn't eat it." Shaak said.

"They sell bleach here…" Mace mumbled.

Shaak either didn't hear him or ignored him and continued, "Anyway! We need kidney beans for the chili on tonight's menu. Now the grade A kidney beans cost 85 cents for a 15 ounce can. Absurd. For that price the beans better be able to give me a manicure."

The other three Jedi just stared at her. Seriously what else can you do when someone is completely losing their mind before your eyes?

"The grade B kidney beans are 75 cents for a 15 ounce can and the grade C kidney beans are 50 cents for a 15 ounce can." Shaak read, "Again, insanely overpriced. Pretty sure only millionaires can afford to eat this well. BUT if you look down on the bottom shelf you find these beauties."

Shaak lifted a huge can of beans off of a lower shelf and plopped it into Mace's cart.

"This 128 ounce can of grade T kidney beans is on sale for just 5 cents. One nickel. For this much food." Shaak explained.

Depa eyed the can, "Shaak the label says consuming more than the recommended serving amount of these beans can cause strokes and intestinal failure."

"That's a nonissue because we won't be giving anyone more than the recommended serving amount. We're gonna water this chili down like it's a church on fire!" Shaak chirped.

"Holy crap." Mace rolled his eyes.

"Don't just stand there like a bunch of double amputee tauntauns! We need twenty of these cans! Load 'em up!" Shaak ordered.

The Jedi sighed but obeyed. They were definitely questioning Shaak's mental stability right now and didn't want to risk ticking her off.

"Now normally I would pay $1 dollar for all twenty of these cans. But I ain't made of money. I have twenty coupons for 10 cents off of any 128 ounce can of grade T kidney beans. So you know what that means?" Shaak asked.

"You're probably at high risk for getting paper cuts?" Depa guessed.

"No!" Shaak scolded, "It means that for each of these cans, the store is going to pay ME 5 cents! That's right; the store is going to pay ME for taking their merchandise! It should be illegal."

"Probably is…" Eeth whispered to Mace, "Pretty sure the "T" in "grade T" stands for "toilet" because that's where you're going to spend a lot of time after eating them."

"So I will earn $1 by purchasing twenty cans of beans. Are you all amazed yet?" Shaak wanted to know.

"I'm…something." Depa replied, "Not sure 'amazed' is the right word for it."

"Now for the tomato paste we'll need for the chili." Shaak walked a little bit further up the aisle. She then lifted a freaking GIGANTIC can of tomato paste and plopped it into Mace's cart. The cart's wheels creaked in protest.

"This 640 ounce can of grade X tomato paste is 12 cents." Shaak informed, "And unfortunately it isn't on sale right now. I have three coupons that will save us 9 cents per can but like it or not we will still have to pay 3 cents a piece for three cans of tomato paste. Absurd isn't it?"

"Shaak the label on this can says grade X tomato paste is only recommended for industrial varnishing and removing rust from rain gutters." Depa read.

"We're going to be watering it down. Stop worrying so much!" Shaak said.

"We're all gonna die." Mace whispered to Eeth.

"I heard that!" Shaak shouted, "When you see our receipt you're going to eat those words!"

"Better those words than this toxic chili you're planning." Mace retorted.

Shaak shook her head and continued down the aisle. It took both Mace and Eeth to move the cart with all the cans in it.

The madness continued for an hour. Shaak was able to purchase 33 boxes of corndogs for just 25 cents. And still claimed that was too much. She then bought 155 2-liter bottles of Pinnacle Deliquescence (an extremely generic rip-off of Mountain Dew) for just 15 cents. And wasn't happy about it. She got 120 bags of chips for FREE. And still said she could do better. She also got 500 (yes, 500. That's not a typo) travel-sized cups of mini Oreos for -$5. Yes, the store was going to have to pay her $5 for buying an insane amount of Oreos. She was pleased with this outcome.

…

Meanwhile back at the Temple…

Yoda and the other Jedi were preparing to serve lunch. Fortunately the cafeteria staff had already prepared most of the food before their strike. So the Jedi pretty much just had to hand out sandwiches and fruit cups and pasta salad. Simple enough, right? Well, remember who we're dealing with here.

Yoda was wearing an apron that read "The Cook You Must Kiss" and a hairnet. Because a hairnet is so necessary for Yoda. For ear hair perhaps? His job was to make sure everything ran smoothly. So far so good.

"Good to know PB&J is still just as popular as ever among the younglings." Oppo said. He was on sandwich duty. Serious business.

"Running a little low on fruit cups here, Yoda." Adi called, "Only about fifteen left. And Master Gububble hasn't been here yet.

Master Gububble was a Hutt. Of massive proportions. Even for a Hutt.

"Get more from the back I will." Yoda said.

He made his way back to the fridge and to his utter HORROR saw that there were only six fruit cups left!

"Chop up more fruit I must." He said, "Plo! Come help me make more fruit cups."

Plo made his way into the kitchen. He and Yoda got to slicing. They were pretty darn good at it. Lightsaber practice ain't just for fighting, ya know!

"Okay. Now assemble the cups we will. Apples, cantaloupe, and grapes I have." Yoda said as he carefully distributed the fruits into plastic cups.

"And I've got honey dew, strawberries, and tomatoes." Plo said as he did the same.

"What?" Yoda questioned, "Put tomatoes in the fruit cups you did?"

"They're a fruit, ain't they?" Plo pointed out.

"Yes but…they don't go with the other fruits." Yoda explained.

"Guys!" Adi shouted from the serving area, "I need those fruit cups, STAT!"

"Taking this a bit too seriously I think Adi is." Yoda sighed.

"Uh oh, Master Gububble just entered the cafeteria." Plo observed, "No time to make more fruit cups! We're gonna just have to go with these and hope no one notices the tomatoes."

Yoda wasn't happy with this decision but knew it was their only choice. They took the fruit cups up to Adi. She was immediately disgruntled.

"Tomatoes? Seriously?" She scoffed.

"Hello Master Gallia." Master Gububble greeted, "Fine day isn't it?"

"Yes. How are you, Master Gububble?" Adi asked.

"Hungry!" Gububble said with a laugh.

Adi laughed too as she placed fifteen fruit cups on his tray.

"Thank you. Have a good one!" Gububble said as he slithered away.

"You too!" Adi called then turned to Plo and Yoda, "Okay guys, I shoved most of them fruit cups off onto Gububble. He's going to inhale them so fast he won't even taste them. Gonna need some more now. And hold the tomatoes this time!"

"There ARE a FRUIT!" Plo objected, "Don't understand what the problem is!"

Yoda dragged him back into the kitchen for more chopping.

…

Shaak, Depa, Mace, and Eeth had been shopping hard for three hours and had filled eight carts. Fortunately the store was nice enough to let them park a few carts at the front of the store so they didn't have to drag them all over.

"Okay we are almost done, guys!" Shaak exclaimed, "Then we just have to check out. That's where you'll be truly amazed!"

The other three Jedi were so tired that they didn't even have a sarcastic response. They followed Shaak mindlessly down a few more aisles and watched as she filled their carts with tons of stuff and rambled on about the savings. They finally stopped in front of the meat cooler.

"Our last stop!" Shaak said, "Sad to see a journey come to an end, isn't it?"

The other Jedi just stared at her.

"Don't you worry though. The most exciting part is yet to come!" Shaak cheered.

The other Jedi just stared at her.

"Who am I? Where am I? What time is ferret?" Depa said in a dazed tone.

"We just need some hotdogs. And by some I mean 160 packages!" Shaak explained as she tossed a package of hotdogs into Eeth's cart.

Mace picked up the package and read it, "Shaak, these are Miss Syndee's Hotdogs."

"I know. And they're on sale for $1.50 a package but with my coupon and shopper's club card we can get them absolutely free!" Shaak replied.

"I don't care if they're free; we CAN'T buy Miss Syndee's Hotdogs." Mace objected, "First off their logo is the silhouette of a stripper on a pole. What's that all about? And second of all they are currently being investigated due to questionable ingredients and hygiene practices."

"I remember reading about that." Depa spoke up as she looked at the package, "Sweet crap on a cracker these ingredients are terrifying! 'Organ meats from various mostly quadruped mammals, lard, chicken beaks, eyes but not from potatoes, lard, rectums, bi-products from other hotdog companies, factory worker sweat, lard, sodium hypochlorite, flavorings, tongues, metal phosphides, and oh here's a surprise; more lard'."

"Delicious!" Shaak quipped, "Come on guys, everyone knows that all hotdogs are nothing but the parts of animals no one wants and chemicals. I don't see why Miss Syndee's are under fire."

"In the past year five deaths were linked to consuming Miss Syndee's hotdogs." Eeth read off a news article he had brought up on his smart phone.

"I'm sure more deaths were linked to improperly cleaned vegetables!" Shaak disagreed.

"Thirty-five former Miss Syndee's factory workers diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and admitted to mental asylum." Eeth read off a different news article.

"They're just being over dramatic. They want media attention." Shaak countered.

"CEO of Miss Syndee's hotdogs said she would rather be covered with flesh-eating ants, peel off her own skin with a butter knife, eat her own pancreas, douse herself in non-dairy creamer, and set herself ablaze than eat one bite of her company's hotdogs." Eeth read from a different news article.

"THEY'RE FREE OKAY!" Shaak screamed, "I don't care how dangerous for consumption they are. They are FREE therefore they can't be all bad! We are getting them and that's final!"

The other Jedi stared at her, horrified.

"Sounds like solid reasoning to me." Mace said sarcastically as he held his hands up in surrender.

Shaak filled their carts with "hotdogs" and then they headed to the registers.

"Now for them moment you've all been waiting for!" Shaak grinned.

"The sweet release of death?" Depa guessed.

"No you silly! It's time to check out and see how much money MY brilliant couponing has saved us!" Shaak said.

They started placing items on the conveyor belt. It took the poor cashier THREE hours to ring up the massive load of groceries.

"Okay, miss." The exhausted cashier said, "Your total is $4,762.80. Do you have any coupons?"

"Is Hoth cold?" Shaak giggled and handed the cashier her three-inch thick stack of coupons, "I also have a shopper's club card."

The cashier began ringing up the coupons. There was immediately a problem with the spinach.

"Hold on, the spinach is ringing up as $1.97 a bag." Shaak pointed out.

"Yes ma'am, it's on sale from $1.99." The cashier replied.

"But my coupon is for $1.95 off. So they should just be 2 cents a bag." Shaak objected.

"Oh, I'm sorry this coupon says it's for selected bag salads. If you read the small print you can tell that it excludes spinach." The cashier pointed to the fine print on the coupon.

"Really?!" Shaak stared at the coupon in disbelief, "Am I supposed to look over these coupons with a magnifying glass before I cut them?!"

"Not amazed so far." Mace teased.

Shaak sighed, "Well we need that spinach. Guess we'll just have to pay $1.97 a bag for it."

"At least with the sale you're saving 2 cents a bag." The cashier said.

"Two cents isn't a sale! It's a slap in the face." Shaak disagreed.

The cashier continued ringing up the coupons. Another problem!

"Wait a minute! I'm supposed to get paid a dollar for those beans!" Shaak said.

"What? Oh, I guess they haven't changed the list price on the shelves yet. The canning company that packages all of these lower grade fruits and vegetables had to raise their prices twenty-fold. Something about a lawsuit over food poisoning at an orphanage. They needed some pretty good lawyers."

Shaak sighed, "So they used to cost 5 cents a can but now they're $1.00 a can?"

"We could've bought edible kidney beans for that!" Eeth piped up.

"Well with your coupon the beans will be 90 cents a can. I would offer to let you go and exchange these but the store will be closing soon and I won't have time to complete your transaction." The cashier said.

"Whatever." Shaak snipped, "Just keep swiping."

"This will affect the tomato paste as well." The cashier told her.

"WHATEVER!" Shaak shouted, "Just get it over with!"

The cashier continued. And of course hit another problem.

"Hold on! The price for those bottles of Pinnacle Deliquescence can't be right!" Shaak protested.

"Oh. Thanks for pointing that out. The sale ended yesterday and we haven't entered it into our registers. Let me do that now." The cashier said and typed on his keyboard, "There we are. Thank you, ma'am. Nice to know there are still some honest people left in this galaxy."

Shaak was turning red…well MORE red, I suppose, "But what about my coupon?!"

"It appears to have expired on July 26th. It's after midnight on the side of the planet it was printed on so according to the coupon it is already July 27th." The cashier told her.

"So you're going to charge me full price on all 155 bottles?" Shaak asked, "They were supposed to be 1 one-thousandth of a cent each! For a total of just 15 cents!"

"I'm afraid the total for 155 bottles is now $232.50." The cashier said.

Mace, Eeth, and Depa were having trouble holding back their laughter.

"Shut up!" Shaak yelled at them.

The cashier continued scanning coupons.

Long story short, after discovering several expired/invalid coupons and expired sales, the new total for Shaak's groceries was $6,482.65. Yes, Shaak's total was now $1,719.85 MORE than it had been before she'd handed over her coupons.

Shaak's mouth was hanging up in stunned disbelief.

"Ma'am is this going to be cash or credit?" The cashier asked.

"Wait!" Depa called, "I just realized we missed the cart of hotdogs. It was hidden behind the $5 DVD bin."

She pushed the cart up to the register and the cashier picked up a package of the hotdogs.

"Oh no! Our stocking department has really dropped the ball this week!" He exclaimed. He grabbed the phone next to the register and frantically entered in a number.

About two seconds later his voice came over the intercom, "Code 59 at register 6! Repeat code 59 at register 6! This is NOT A DRILL!"

"What fresh Hell is this?" Mace wondered.

Suddenly, people in full Haz-mat suits burst into the store and surrounded the Jedi and the cashier.

"Please remain calm!" The leader of the Haz-mat group said, "We understand you have come into contact with hazardous and potentially fatal materials; namely Miss Syndee's hotdogs. We need to transport you to our decontamination facility immediately to reduce the risk of severe health issues."

The Jedi all exchanged horrified looks and were then herded out of the store by the Haz-mat team along with the cashier.

…

Two hours and several awkward group showers later, the group was declared decontaminated and allowed to leave the facility. The grocery store was to remain closed for the next week until all of Miss Syndee's hotdogs could be removed and properly disposed of. The management of the store felt so bad about the entire ordeal that they decided to give the Jedi their groceries for free.

"I told you all I'd save us money!" Shaak smirked as the Jedi were driving back to the Temple.

"Please." Mace rolled his eyes, "You had nothing to do with it. If anything we should thank Miss Syndee and her horrible business practices."

"Your heart was in the right place, Shaak." Depa said, patting Shaak on the back, "You'll get it right next time, I'm sure!"

"No I think my couponing days are over." Shaak replied with a sigh, "Actually I don't know why I even tried this time. I mean the Temple was going to pay for all of those groceries. I wasn't benefitting by the savings. It was all taxpayer money anyway."

"That's the spirit!" Eeth cheered.

They arrived at the temple and began unloading the groceries.

"Hey guys!" Depa greeted when she saw the Jedi who had stayed behind for kitchen duty, "Hope you all are ready to make some chili for tonight!"

"Actually…" Adi started, "We aren't making chili tonight."

"What?" Shaak demanded, "You can't change the menu now! We already have all the ingredients! We can't go back to the store for a week; it's being quarantined!"

"No, WE aren't making chili tonight; THEY are." Yareal pointed into the kitchen.

There stood the Temple kitchen staff. In all their hair-netted glory.

"I thought ya'll were on strike?" Mace was confused.

"We were. But then we saw your sorry faces on the news. We go on strike for half a day and you all manage to get the grocery store shut down." The head kitchen lady mused, "We were afraid if we stayed gone much longer the entire planet might blow up!"

"After the day we've had, nothing would surprise me." Eeth sighed.

"What can we do to prevent another strike in the future?" Mace wanted to know.

"Simple; keep Qui-Gon Jinn out of our kitchen!" The head kitchen lady answered.

The rest of the kitchen staff cheered in agreement.

"We'll see what we can do but Qui-Gon has this habit of appearing when and where we don't want him to." Plo said.

"As a matter of fact, he's here right now!" Adi chirped.

Sure enough, Qui-Gon was marching across the cafeteria towards the Jedi with a determined look on his face.

"Masters!" He started up right away, "I cannot BELIEVE what I just saw on the news! Were you all REALLY planning on purchasing potentially hazardous foods for the Temples?! Is that what this place has come to?! I just wanted to let you all know that Obi-Wan and myself will no longer be eating in the cafeteria! I shall be preparing all of our meals myself from here on out just so I am certain they are safe for human consumption. Good day!"

And with that he marched off.

"I love it when problems solve themselves." Oppo said.

"Well I guess everything is back to normal." Mace added.

"Just one more thing, Masters." The lead kitchen lady spoke up, "We've altered our deal. We will do all of the purchasing and cooking but YOU are going to do the dishes for the next six months!"

The Jedi all exchanged looks.

"Okay." Yoda finally said, "Deal it is."

He and the head kitchen lady shook hands on it.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except the owners of the Miss Syndee's hotdogs company. They all went to jail. Forever.

THE END

6/17/2014 Puff & Weed

So, there's that. Review. Or don't. Whatever. We're not your boss and we'll write more regardless. You can't stop this crazy train.