The Jedi Council Part 23
Qui-Gon's in the House
So, we just walked to CVS for multivitamins! Yay, being in your 30s!
Update: We tried to go to the farmer's market but it was canceled due to rain...even though it's not raining. So we tried to go to Total Wine...it was closed due to a power outage. So...that's our day. #30sLife #TenYearsUntilColonoscopies!
...also the next time we tried to go to the farmer's market there was a flipping hurricane. #Blessed
Squeak.
"Adi, will you sit still?" Mace demanded, "Your squeaky chair is driving me freaking Honey Nut Cheerios!"
"It's not my fault the Temple bought us these cheap chairs!" Adi retorted.
The Temple had indeed bought cheap chairs. And they were quite literally falling apart under the Jedi Masters. Just last week, Oppo's chair could no longer bear his enormous tail and beard weight and collapsed out from under him. He was now sitting in a Hello Kitty beanbag chair (possibly belonging to Mace...) until a replacement could be found.
"Well, if someone hadn't complained that the Temple's furniture budget should be cut to save money for better quality smoke detectors, then we wouldn't have these cheap chairs!" Plo pointed out.
Hmm. Who could've made such a complaint? There isn't anyone notorious for complaining around here...
Okay yeah it was freaking Qui-Gon. He wanted more sensitive smoke detectors - not for anyone's safety but because he suspected Obi-Wan was vaping in his room. Obi-Wan was, in fact, not vaping. The steam in his room came from the eggs he'd been boiling for street kids he may or may not have made an alliance with. Obi-Wan is a wholesome but shady dude. Great butt too. (Can we say that? Is he legal in these stories?) Uh...I think he's 18...but we're both 34 now, so still weird. _
Anyway. Thanks to Qui-Gon, the Jedi Masters now had uncomfortable, cheap, squeaky chairs. For their butts. Assorted butts. Does Oppo even have a butt? checks action figure...still not sure...I'd say he has a cloaca at least.
"I can't take it anymore!" Shaak yelled.
She jumped up, marched across the chamber, shoved Adi in the floor, picked up her cheap chair (which squeaked in protest), and hurled it out the window. The other Jedi dove for cover as glass shards exploded everywhere.
Shaak whirled around to face them, "And before you ask, no. I'm not PMS-ing. I'm hungover."
The Jedi all just stared at her, not sure what to say or do next. They were kinda scared.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
Meanwhile on the street below...
Qui-Gon was following his apprentice down the street. He knew he was up to something. He could not wait to catch him being naughty and scold him and ground him and generally make his life miserable. Thus, Qui-Gon was following Obi-Wan without his knowledge; hiding in doorways and behind trash cans whenever the suspicious Padawan turned around.
Of course Obi-Wan knew he was being followed; Qui-Gon isn't that sneaky, and after being his apprentice for so many years, he's totally hip to all of Qui-Gon's antics. So there was no way Obi-Wan was going to actually lead his master to his gang of pick-pocketing street children. No, he was going to lead Qui-Gon to the largest church in the city and then innocently claim he was going to go pray for several hours.
Let the old geezer chew on that for a while. Obi-Wan couldn't wait to see the look on Qui-Gon's face once he learned he had not, in fact, entrapped his Padawan.
Anyway. Qui-Gon thinks he's sneaking after Obi-Wan but Obi-Wan knows. That's all that matters.
But it doesn't matter for long because before anyone could say "spank my crackers and call me Kelsey Grammar", a chair fell from the sky and landed directly on Qui-Gon's head. It sounded like a coconut landing on top of a bigger coconut.
Qui-Gon was knocked unconscious immediately. And Obi-Wan nearly peed himself laughing before he decided to check and see if his master was dead. And upon seeing that he wasn't, called an ambulance.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
Two days later...(that's not quite seven years later)
Qui-Gon slowly opened his eyes only to see a blindly white ceiling. His head was pounding like the Jumanji board game (I watched the original Jumanji last night. Still holds up in my 90's child opinion).
"Where am I?" Qui-Gon wondered.
He glanced at his arm and saw an IV.
"Lame." He said and ripped it out! Fluids are for losers, you know?
Qui-Gon sat up and was mortified to see he was wearing a hospital gown! Getting sick or injured is for losers, you know? He was about to panic at his entirely uncool situation when suddenly the door opened and a nurse walked in.
"Oh." The nurse was slightly startled, "You're awake! That's good. I'm Nurse Tom and..."
"Shut up and get naked." Qui-Gon ordered forcefully.
"...excuse me?" Nurse Tom said.
"I need your clothes." Qui-Gon replied, "No way I'm going clubbin' with my butt hanging out of this hideous gown."
"You're in no condition to go clubbing, Master Jinn." Nurse Tom said, "The healers say you need to rest here for at least another day."
"The healers can bite my naked butt." Qui-Gon scoffed.
"Wait?" Nurse Tom checked the chart on the wall, "You're Qui-Gon Jinn, right? The famous Jedi Master who complains all the time and has unachievable high standards for literally everything?"
"No. I'm Qui-Gon Jinn and I'm the coolest Jedi Master and I'm in the house." Qui-Gon said, folding his arms to look bad $$.
Nurse Tom suddenly realized what was going on, "Right. Okay. I'm going to let the head healer know and she's going to come and talk to you. Obviously your injuries are a bit more complicated than we originally thought."
"I don't want to see no healer." Qui-Gon muttered, "I'm going clubbin'."
"Just let me go get her and then she can give you the all clear to go...clubbin'." Nurse Tom turned to exit the room.
And was immediately thwacked over the head with a bed pan. He fell to the floor, totally knocked out. Qui-Gon jumped out of his bed and began stealing poor Nurse Tom's scrubs. He was going clubbin' and now he could tell all the ladies he was a doctor or surgeon or something. Oh yeah.
Once he was dressed, Qui-Gon scurried out the door, leaving poor Nurse Tom naked on the ground.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
"Y'all, I hate to say it and I know I'm gonna regret saying it but..." Mace paused, "These last two days without Qui-Gon have been just a little bit boring."
"You're right." Depa agreed, "I haven't had anything to focus my anger on and it's coming out in the wrong places."
"...like the bedroom?" Plo cackled.
"No, like I was trying to tenderize a steak last night and I shattered my kitchen counter." Depa replied.
"I'm sure Qui-Gon will wake up soon and terrorize us all again." Saesee said, "Let's enjoy the quiet while we can."
"What exactly happened to him again?" Adi wondered.
"Got hit in the head with a falling chair he did." Yoda answered, "Can't imagine where it fell from."
All the Jedi turned to glare at Shaak.
"What?!" Shaak said incredulously, "That chair could've come from anywhere! And even if it was me, you all should be thanking me for this Qui-Gon-free time! I should get a shrine in my honor!"
At that moment, the door burst open and there stood Legolas, who apparently still doesn't know what story he's supposed to be in.
"They've taken the hobbits to Isengaard." He said and ran away.
"I'm gonna put a hit out on that man." Mace said, "He's clearly up to something awful."
"The hell is a hobbit?" Adi asked.
At that moment Qui-Gon appeared in the doorway wearing nurse's scrubs.
"You all went and jinxed it!" Shaak sighed, "He's back! Are you happy now?"
"Where's the club?" Qui-Gon asked.
"The what?" Yoda said.
"The club." Qui-Gon repeated, "I wanna go there and party."
The Jedi masters all sat there in total silence, exchanging confused looks.
"And I wanna drink and smoke and dance with hos and get some new ink." Qui-Gon added.
"...do you have old ink?" Ki-Adi-Mundi muttered.
"Brain damaged he must be." Yoda concluded, "New personality he has."
"So you're saying we could go partying with Qui-Gon?" Shaak said.
"Any of you squares got a blunt?" Qui-Gon wanted to know.
"...this can't be happening." Mace rubbed his forehead, "Qui-Gon why don't you go get some snappy clothes for the club? We'll meet you outside in half an hour."
"Why don't you shut your (bleep) mouth and stop telling me what to do!" Qui-Gon snorted, "Nobody tells me what to do!"
"...Qui-Gon just swore at me." Mace was astonished, "I don't know how to respond to this."
"I'll go change, and then I'm going to the club. You plebs can come if you want." Qui-Gon did a 'peace out' motion with his hand then left the chamber.
The Jedi sat there in silence.
"What was that all about?" Plo asked, "Is this really the new Qui-Gon?"
"He somehow seems even lamer than the previous one." Depa mumbled.
"I'm sure he will recover." Yoda said, "For now we should probably keep a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble. Or get his butt handed to him by actual cool people."
"So we're going to the club?" Adi asked, "He didn't even specify which club!"
"We'll figure it out." Eeth said, "We should probably go get changed for a night out."
The Jedi masters got changed for a night out.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
After hitting several bumping clubs on a main city strip, they finally found Qui-Gon. At a dive bar. At the end of a shady alley which reeked of pee. We might be overly generous using the term dive bar for this establishment. What would be lower than a dive bar? Scum joint? We'll go with scum joint.
"Qui-Gon. My man." Mace said when he spotted Qui-Gon in a corner booth, "I thought you said we were going to a club. This is...not a club. This is...I don't even know what this is."
"The best club in the city." Qui-Gon disagreed, "The women here have the lowest possible standards."
"It's so dark in here I'm not even positive I see any women. Or men. Or my own hand in front of my face." Shaak said.
"Get a drink and sit with me. We have business to discuss." Qui-Gon said throwing back a shot of something brown. Could've been whiskey. Could've been sewer water. The world will never know.
"We do?" Plo asked, "What, are you suddenly a mob boss or something?"
"Nah. Mob is too square. I run my own business." Qui-Gon replied.
The Jedi exchanged confused glances then went to the bar to order drinks. They all opted to order whatever the bartender deemed less likely to poison them immediately. Gradually poison them was fine. And there weren't any other options.
They all sat down around Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon smiled smugly at Adi.
"Hey girl." He said, "Don't think I've seen you around here before."
"Have you even been here before?!" Adi demanded.
"Nah." Qui-Gon said, "I just struggle for words around such a beautiful woman."
"I'm gonna barf and I haven't even tasted my drink yet." Depa said as she watched her drink slowly melt a hole in its glass.
Adi was amused and wondering how far she could take this. Perhaps she could get Qui-Gon to buy her something expensive. Or shave his head. Or both.
"I'm just so gosh darned flattered." Adi blushed, "What would you do for a beautiful woman like me?"
"I dunno." Qui-Gon answered, "Might take you to the 7-Eleven. Buy you a slushie if they're on sale. Not blue though. Don't like a woman with blue teeth."
Adi almost choked on her laughter, "Oh yeah? What if I want a Kit-Kat with my not-blue discount slushie?"
"For you, girl." Qui-Gon leaned in, "I'd buy you a king-sized Kit-Kat if they were at least fifty cents off."
"Dear god." Mace muttered, rolling his eyes.
"And how could I repay you for your generosity?" Adi asked.
"You could buy me a moped." Qui-Gon replied.
"Note to self; Qui-Gon is by far the worst sugar daddy to ever exist." Shaak whispered to Depa.
"Oh yeah?" Adi continued, still playing along, "And if I bought you a moped, what would you let me do?"
"I dunno." Qui-Gon said, "Maybe touch my beard. Probably not though. I'm not a slut. You're getting a little clingy for me. Now, let's talk business."
"What is my life?" Mace asked, "Why me?"
"What business do you have for us, Qui-Gon?" Yoda asked as he watched what appeared to be two tapeworms mating in his drink glass.
"I hate rich people." Qui-Gon said, "And poor people. And people people. I wanna spray paint them."
"...you mean spray paint their property, right?" Plo asked, "Like tag their homes, speeders, or businesses?"
"Nah. Them." Qui-Gon replied, "I wanna spray 'Qui-Gon is in the house' on everyone in this city."
"The whole planet city? That might take a while." Shaak said.
"And you're just gonna leave your name right there at the scene of the crime?" Ki-Adi-Mundi was flabbergasted, "Do you really think these people are just going to stand still and let you graffiti them?"
"I guess not. Never mind then. For now, let's go kick over some trash cans." Qui-Gon said.
"Did you develop some ADHD with this head injury?" Adi wondered.
"Then me and my boy Obi-Wan are gonna get some tatts." Qui-Gon said, "You all can cover my tab, right?"
Qui-Gon bolted out the door before anyone could answer. The bartender furiously walked over to the Jedi's table.
"That insane fellow drank five credits worth of mop water!" He snarled.
"We'll pay for it, don't worry." Plo assured him.
"Oh no. I don't care about that!" The bartender shook his head, "I demand an additional two thousand credits for him annoying away all my other patrons. Not to mention annoying me! Who is that lunatic? What's wrong with him?"
"Brain damage." Mace answered, "We'll deal with him."
"You better." The bartender said, "He's totally gonna get himself shot or something."
"We can't possibly be that lucky." Depa smirked, "And you do not need two thousand credits from us." She waved her hand.
"No I don't." The bartender said, "I need two thousand and five credits total."
"Uh..." Depa looked at her hand in confusion. As if it was broken.
"You really think mind tricks work on bartenders?" The bartender laughed, "Every establishment on the planet would go bankrupt the way you Jedi drink."
...The Jedi sighed. He was right. They started pooling their money together to cover the bill.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
It took the Jedi masters another two hours to find Qui-Gon again. And they didn't even find him. HE found them.
"Sup losers? My boy Obi-Wan and I got some sick new ink!" Qui-Gon said, "Wanna see?"
"Depends on where said sick new ink is..." Adi muttered.
Qui-Gon ripped open his shirt and revealed his new giant chest-covering tattoo. A bald eagle riding a skateboard that said "radical!" on the bottom. The eagle was holding a shotgun in one wing and an American flag in the other. He had a giant rainbow lollipop in his beak.
"Wow, that is...that." Shaak wasn't quite sure what to say.
"Yeah, it's the coolest thing ever." Qui-Gon gloated, "Obi-Wan show them yours!"
Obi-Wan rolled up his sleeve and revealed his tattoo on his left shoulder. It was a pin-up girl sitting in a chair donating blood.
"She's extra sexy because she likes helping people." Obi-Wan gushed, "Next one I get will be a girl stocking the shelves at a food bank. Maybe even a girl on jury duty. Civic responsibility is so hot."
Apparently charitable ladies are Obi-Wan's kink? Good for him, I guess. You'd be surprised how hard it was to think of something non-sexual for the girl to be doing. Because literally everything is sexual to someone. Probably even donating blood. Even if the girl vomits all over herself like I did the last time I donated blood.
"Okay Obi-Wan. You are too precious for this world." Adi sighed, "And Qui-Gon you need to come with us back to The Temple so the healers can fix your head. These shenanigans have gone far enough."
"Ain't nothing wrong with my head." Qui-Gon disagreed, "Probably something wrong with his head though."
He pointed at a random guy across the street.
"You got a problem with me?" The guy said.
He safely looked both ways, then crossed the street.
"Maybe I do." Qui-Gon replied, "You look like your momma is so slow it took her nine months to make a joke."
"...like...why? Why can't I die?" Shaak wondered.
"Oh, now it is on, homie." The guy said, "No one talks about Robert Matthew Van Winkle's momma like that."
"Where have I heard that name before?" Mace pondered.
"Oh no..." Plo sighed, "Mace, you probably know him better as Vanilla Ice."
(Please don't tag us for using real people. This is a fictionalized Vanilla Ice. FAKE FUN we ain't getting paid or nothing. We mean no offense to Mr. Ice.)
"Who is Vanilla Ice?" Innocent young Obi-Wan asked.
"Just Google 90s music some time." Saesee replied.
"Are we about to witness the whitest rap battle in the history of the universe?" Adi asked.
(WARNING: Three white women in their mid-thirties about to write rap lyrics)
Qui-Gon grabbed his lightsaber off his belt and started using it like a microphone
"My name is Jinn
Like ya drink with juice
Ya better watch out
'Cause I'm about to get loose"
Depa pulled out her phone, "Hey Siri; what's the quickest way to die?"
Never one to back down from a rap battle, Vanilla Ice started his own verse. By now a group of spectators was forming. And they all looked confused as a bantha gnawing on a tire. Vanilla Ice pulled a real microphone out of thin air.
"Well Mr. Jinn with juice
You can go and kiss my caboose!
I'm number one in these streets
The deli on the corner has the best meats!
Mr. Greggor runs the auto parts store
Dave at the mattress shop will help you snore!"
"...Is Vanilla Ice just rapping about how much he loves his neighborhood? Are we on Sesame Street?" Plo glanced around for cameras and Muppets.
Qui-Gon continued.
"Yo it's Master not Mister
Just go ask your sister
Or actually that's kinda crazy
Your sister is a very nice lady
She always recycles and picks up litter
To speak ill of her would just be bitter"
The other Jedi can no longer form words. The spectators were laughing their heads off and naturally making TikToks because that's all anyone does anymore. And I'm not just saying that because I'm old. For the love of Vishnu stop TikToking for two seconds and enjoy life. Now get me my Centrum Silver and my Miralax!
Vanilla Ice continued.
"It's nice of you to say those words
But you and your friends are just nerds
You better get your butts off my street
Because my fights never end neat"
This flustered Qui-Gon but he managed to get out:
"My name is Qui-Gon
And you're about to be gone
My raps are so hot
And yours...isn't
So stand by and watch me
...go"
He bolted off down the street leaving dozens of confused people behind. And TikToking. Always always TikToking. Y'all out here sounding like the crazy woman from District 3 in the Hunger Games when she realized the stadium was a giant clock. Five dollars if you understand that reference.
Vanilla Ice approached the Jedi Masters, "Who was that guy? Is he okay? Should we call someone?"
"Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Defintely no. And probably yes." Mace answered all the questions.
"Sorry to have disturbed you, Mr. Ice." Yoda apologized, "We will take care of him."
"Yeah please do." Vanilla Ice said, "Mental illness is taking such a toll on our planet. More people should seek treatment."
And with those words of wisdom, Vanilla Ice left. Not dramatically or anything. Just wandered away.
"Well I guess we gotta go find Qui-Gon again before he upsets a legitimate rapper." Shaak muttered.
"What was that?" Vanilla Ice whirled around.
"Uh. Flapper! That pigeon up there was a legitimate flapper." Shaak pointed at nothing in the sky.
Vanilla Ice glared at her and continued to walk away. Leaving an army of brainless TikTokers in his wake.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
RAITMOTS: What was the TikTok of our time? MySpace? AlbinoBlackSheep? I bet most of y'all can't even sing the Llama Song! Makes me so mad I might just fall out of my chair and have to use my Life Alert button!
Anyway. Set of panties built right in!
What the heck? I just had to turn on the AC because Qui-Gon's raps were so FIRE.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
It was now about 3am and the Masters had been unable to track down Qui-Gon.
"I'm exhausted." Depa yawned, "Can we just forget about Qui-Gon until tomorrow? Or forever?"
"No!" Yoda snapped, "Who knows what chaos he could be causing?"
"Yeah he might have graffiti-ed a penis on the guy on the 'do not cross' sign at some intersection." Mace muttered.
"That's too risque for him." Adi disagreed, "He's probably waiting for JC Penney to open so he can go inside and tie all the shoelaces together on the mannequins."
"That's probably it." Shaak nodded, "Or he's...he's..."
Before she could think of anything witty to say, her eyes focused on a television display in the window of a closed electronic store.
"Or he's KIDNAPPED BRUNO MARS!" She yelled and ran over to the window.
Through the glass the Jedi could all hear the reporter.
"Unknown suspect with long hair and robes broke into Mr. Mars' house, knocked him unconscious with a boot, dragged his body outside, shoved him into a speeder and sped away." The reporter reported reportedly, "Authorities are still searching for the speeder which is blue and has a 'my other ride is a bicycle' bumper sticker. That's...really lame."
"He's...kidnapped Bruno Mars." Yareal said, "What do we do now?"
"Have a big party to watch his trial?" Depa suggested.
"We have to find him." Eeth said, "The entire Temple could get in trouble for this!"
"Where would Qui-Gon take a kidnapping victim?" Plo wondered.
"Obi-Wan, you know him best. Where would Qui-Gon take music superstar Bruno Mars?" Shaak asked.
Obi-Wan was just so psyched to be up past his strict 8pm bedtime that all he could do was grin, "Uh I dunno. Maybe rollerskating? Paint and sip? Crochet club?"
Stop naming MY hobbies Obi-Wan!
"None of those places would be open at 3am." Mace sighed.
"Wait a minute!" Depa pulled out her phone, "I heard about something on the news last night..."
She typed away for a few minutes.
"Here we go! One of the local movie theaters is hosting an all-night Peppa Pig marathon. It's to help expectant parents prepare for the nightmare that is about to be their lives." She said.
"That HAS to be where they're going." Plo put his head in his hands.
"The theater is just a few blocks away. Let's go!" Depa said and led the way down the street.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
After stopping at a gas station for slurpies (Adi made a point of getting blue), the Jedi arrived at the theater just in time to see a blue speeder with a 'my other ride is a bicycle' bumper sticker pull into the parking lot. They could hear shrieking and sobbing and pleading with higher powers coming from within the theater.
Mace marched right up to the blue speeder and banged on the driver's side window. Qui-Gon rolled it down.
"Yo. Fellow human. What's up?" He asked.
"Qui-Gon! Why did you kidnap music superstar Bruno Mars?!" Mace demanded.
"Because I couldn't find sitcom superstar Dave Coulier. Obviously!" Qui-Gon rolled his eyes.
"I can't even begin to make any kind of sense out of that statement. I might just go watch Peppa Pig for a bit. Can't be worse than this." Mace said.
"I also picked up some hoes." Qui-Gon said.
"You...what?" Shaak asked.
"I picked up some hoes." Qui-Gon repeated.
"Where did you get these alleged hos?" Eeth wanted to know.
"Home Depot. Where else would I get hoes?" Qui-Gon said, "I ain't no Lowes pleb!"
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
RAITMOTS: We have nothing against Lowes. Apparently Qui-Gon does so take it up with him. All hardware stores look and smell the same to me! Most places look and smell the same to me in my advanced stage of aging! #OLD
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
Mace looked in the back of the speeder and saw a pile of at least ten gardening hoes.
"I...I wish Vanilla Ice had strangled you." He told Qui-Gon.
At that moment, Bruno Mars woke up.
Don't report us for having Bruno Mars here! He doesn't want to be here either! FICTION!
"Uh. Where am I?" Bruno Mars rubbed his head.
"Fear not, music superstar Bruno Mars!" Mace shouted, "We shall return you to your normal life as soon as possible!"
"Do I hear...Peppa Pig? And screaming?" music superstar Bruno Mars wondered.
"Uh...no!" Mace answered quickly, "It must be the knock on the head you sustained. Depa, why don't you take music superstar Bruno Mars to go find an ice pack?"
"Sure." Depa said, "Right this way, music superstar Bruno Mars."
Bruno Mars was confused but followed Depa anyway.
Mace furiously turned back to Qui-Gon, "QUI-GON! This has gone far enough! Kidnapping?! You're going back to the Temple and not leaving until you're back to your regular annoying self and not this newer more annoying self!"
Before anyone could say or do anything else a cry broke through the night.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" A man screamed.
A theater chair burst through the roof of the theater and crashed down on top of Qui-Gon's speeder, knocking him unconscious.
And we're tired of writing, so that blow to the head turned Qui-Gon back to normal.
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
Thankfully, music superstar Bruno Mars did not press any charges. The Jedi managed to convince him that Qui-Gon was disabled. They're not wrong but still. Vanilla Ice was inspired by his encounter with Qui-Gon and donated a decent sum of money to a local mental health facility.
Mace returned all the gardening hoes to Home Depot and since everything is so expensive these days, he got enough money back to buy better chairs for the Master's Chambers thus preventing anything like this from happening again. Where Qui-Gon got the money to buy the hoes in the first place remains a mystery.
…okay, so Ki-Adi-Mundi paid him to hock some death sticks for a few hours. But don't tell anyone.
THE END
*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*
I guess? Just sort of sputtered out after MONTHS of being in-progress.
Uh we'd like to thank Vanilla Ice and music superstar Bruno Mars for appearing here. Like they had a choice. We look forward to receiving their cease and desist letters.
And Dave Coulier would like to thank us for leaving him out.
THE END FOR REAL
Tune in next time for some more garbage. Or don't. I'm sure you have better things to do.
SPOODER