Disclaimer: This chapter include some graphic descriptions of sexual assault of a minor. A warning will be places before that section.
As she moved her fist to gently knock on her son's door, she stopped herself to remind herself not to look at him with pity. Her goal had always been to raise strong children who would grow up with every opportunity to do anything they please and she knew that treating him like a victim would not help that goal.
She cracked the door open when she heard his approval. "Hey, sweetheart, your dad made lunch. Do you want to come downstairs and join us?"
"Dad's still here?" he asked in surprise. He assumed his father must have left shortly after they got home from the hospital.
"Cindy left a few minutes after we got home, so your dad decided to stay here to be home with you while I took Avery to school." Addison explained. "I knocked out as soon as I got back home and I just woke up and realized it's almost 1:00pm. Cindy will be picking up Avery and getting her home in an hour or so and we're all just barely waking up."
"I didn't sleep," her son admitted to her.
"I'm sorry, honey. I know it's hard," she told him softly. "Let's go downstairs. I think Dad made pancakes. Your favorite, right?"
Chris nodded. "I loved when he used to make really crispy bacon and then put it in the pancake."
She hated that, but she remembered how much her son loved it. "I smell bacon so maybe he remembers too," she told him softly. "Come downstairs when you're ready, okay?"
He nodded, watching as his mother closed the door behind her. He took a few minutes to himself before going downstairs to find his parents both in the kitchen. His father was eating at the kitchen island while his mother was seated alone at the kitchen table. He assumed this meant that while they are able to be amicable, perhaps they weren't quite ready to be friendly.
"Hey," he mumbled, helping himself to a pancake off the stack by the stove.
"Yours are on the plate by your mom," his father told him.
He walked over to take a seat by his mother when he saw bacon pancakes on his plate. He looked up at his dad with a smile. "You remembered?" he asked.
Derek nodded, moving toward the table to sit with them. "I remember."
As he watched his father sit down beside his mother, his brain paused, trying to understand what to make of the gesture. Finally he found himself asking, "Are you moving back home?"
Derek glanced at Addison and back at their son. "I don't know. We haven't really talked about that yet. We're more focused on you."
"You shouldn't get back together because of me. That would be dumb. I don't want you looking back and saying I'm the reason you have a miserable marriage."
"Let's not worry about that right now," his father told him softly.
An hour later Addison was called in to work for an emergency delivery and Derek stayed home to be with their son. When Cindy, their babysitter, brought their daughter home from school, Avery was distraught to learn that her mother was at work. She stormed up the stairs, stomping her feet dramatically on each step as she did.
Derek sighed, trying not to roll his eyes at the little girl's tantrum. He gave their babysitter the rest of the day off, assuring her that he was more than capable of caring for his children on his own. He waited a few minutes, allowing his daughter some time to process his feelings, he went upstairs to check on her. With a soft knock on her door, he let himself into her room. "Avery?" he said as he opened the door to her pink bedroom.
"I want Mommy."
"I understand that but Mommy is at work," Derek told her patiently.
"But you made Cindy leave and if you leave again then we have no one home with us!"
"I'm not going anywhere, Avery," he told her softly. "Come here, honey," he said, holding his arms open to her. She looked at him, but did not walk into his embrace. He sighed and lowered his arms. "I was really upset with your mom and I made a decision without thinking about it. I am so sorry that I hurt you with that decision."
"Did Mommy say sorry?"
"She did."
"Is that why you came back?"
"No."
"You didn't forgive her even though she said sorry?" his daughter looked at him as if he were a monster.
"Honey, this is really complicated. You won't understand," Derek told her softly. "I was very upset, she hurt me a lot and now I'm trying to figure out how we can all move on from it."
"But you left me."
"I know. I'm so sorry, honey, I really really am. I made a really dumb decision and I didn't realize how much it would hurt you," her told her sincerely. "I am so sorry."
"You didn't forgive Mommy when she said sorry," she reminded him.
"You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to. I just want you to know that I'm really sorry and I love you so much even though I made a really dumb mistake that hurt you." As the words came out of his mouth, he realized that that is exactly how his wife felt. It didn't make her actions okay, it didn't make her actions hurt any less, but suddenly he realized the situation wasn't as black and white as he thought it was.
A while later, Derek was lying on the couch in the living room with the TV on when his son came downstairs for water.
Christopher clearly was not expecting to see him there. "You're still here?" he asked when he saw his dad casually lounging in the living room.
"Yeah, Mom is still at work. She texted me earlier to say that she'll be home in an hour or so. I'm not sure what will happen once she gets home. I might crash on the couch because it's been a long day. I might see if one of my sisters will let me stay with them." Derek rambled.
Ignoring everything his father just said, Chris asked, "Can I ask you something before you go?"
Derek nodded, sitting up and patting the other side of the couch. "Sure, take a seat."
Chris sat down on the opposite side of the couch. "It's kind of a personal question," he warned his dad. "Like, a really, really personal question. Is that okay?"
Derek gave him a confused look. How personal of a question could it be? He asked himself.
Without waiting for a response from his father, Chris continued to his question. "The stuff that teacher did to me, am I supposed to like that?"
Derek swallowed hard. "Do you want to tell me what she did to you so I can answer that?"
TRIGGER WARNING: Description of sexual assault below
"She put my," he froze, looking down at his crotch. "Ya know...in her mouth," he avoided meeting his father's eyes as he spoke. "And she touched it a lot. In a way I really didn't like. One time she somehow made it go inside of her and that felt kind of weird and really hurt because she was bouncing on it, kind of."
Derek tried not to look disgusted by the information his son was sharing with him. He slowly nodded and said, "That's all a part of sex."
"It is?"
"Yeah, but when you're doing it with someone you really like, or someone that you love, it's very different. It feels different depending on who you are with and what your relationship is like and what mood you're in."
"Your mood matters?"
Derek nodded. "Yeah, it matters a lot."
"And you enjoy it?"
"No, not always. Sometimes when you're scared or in pain, it's not enjoyable at all. And that's what you were, you were scared and confused and you were in pain. The way you experienced it is not how anyone should for the first time. I don't think anyone would enjoy what you experienced. But when you're with someone you love and trust, it is different."
"How do you know?"
He wasn't kidding when he said it was personal, Derek thought to himself. "Because I've had a few different experiences with people."
"You have? You've had sex with people other than Mom?"
Derek grimaced at the thought of sharing details of his sex life with his son, but forced himself to overlook his own discomfort to share information with his son after a traumatic incident. "Yeah, I had girlfriends before her and I uh, I met someone when I was gone. It was very different with each person."
"So you think one day I might like doing the things that lady did to me?" Chris asked, asking the one question Derek (and Addison) had been too afraid to ask themselves.
Derek was at a loss of words. He took a deep breath before saying, "I really don't know. I hope so, I hope you'll heal and learn to trust someone to share those things with you. But if you don't, that's okay too. There is more to a relationship than sex."
"I'm scared that I'll never trust anyone to do that with me."
Derek gave him an understanding nod. "Yeah, that is a scary thought," he said, validating his son's fears. "But there is more to a relationship than sex. If you're not ready to take that step with someone, you don't have to. And if you wanted to, you could find someone who respects that boundary."
"Is that why you're so mad at mom? Because you thought she respected something really sensitive and she didn't?"
"No, not exactly. I don't want to make this about me and your mother but I guess it's hard not to when the both of these things are about sex and they happened so close together. But uh, sex is really intimate and special, at least it has been for me. And when I found out your mom shared something that was intimate and special with someone else, I was upset. But now I'm realizing that sometimes sex can be different things, like it was for you. It wasn't special or intimate or romantic. It was awful and painful. And for her, that night, it was desperate."
"How come it can be so different with so many factors?"
Derek shrugged, "I wish I had the answer to that, son, I really do."
"Thank you so much for staying with them today," Addison told him when she got home from work much later than she had anticipated. "It was like one complication after another with this case, I would get paged back every time I made it to the locker room to change."
"Are you thanking me for parenting my children?"
Addison frowned, realizing he was right. "I guess I just learned not to expect it so it's a pleasant surprise to have been able to depend on you today."
"I'm sorry about that, Addie."
"Don't be. It's in the past." She told him dismissively as she went toward the kitchen to find something to eat before bed.
Surprisingly, Derek followed behind her and kept talking, "I was talking to Chris today. He was asking me about sex and whether he should have enjoyed it and what it is supposed to feel like and I realized that sex can be a lot of things. I thought that for you and Mark, it was what it has been for you and me. Now I realize that that might not be the case. So I have a question for you."
Lowering the glass of water from her lips, she looked at him hesitantly, "Okay."
"How would you describe sex with me?"
"When?" she asked, unsure of how to answer his question.
"In general. Not any one specific time."
She looked confused by the question but thought it over. Taking a breath, she answered, "Derek's we've been together for almost 16 years. We've had all kinds of sex, angry sex, romantic, kinky, slow, taunting, shower, public… I don't know how to generalize when it's all so different. I guess it's always been very trusting and intimate. Like no matter what it was or where it is, I knew I could trust you not to hurt me. I knew I could depend on you to make me feel loved and special. I guess that's what it's always had in common.
"What about Mark?"
"Derek," she sighed. "Do you really want to hear this?"
He really didn't look sure. He looked like he was dreading the answer, but he forced out a nod, "Yeah."
She took another sip of water and said, "Well...it was messy. We had both been drinking and it was angry and desperate and sad. It was confusing, I felt lost but I was too desperate to feel something to stop it."
"And you've never felt that way while you were with me?"
She shrugged, "The last one or two times we were together I did feel desperate. But I still felt loved and wanted so no, it was very different."
He nodded, "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
"Okay," she responded back, about to go up the stairs to change when she stopped and turned back. "Are you going to be staying here tonight?"
He looked at her unsurely, his heart pounding in his chest. "I don't know."
"I can make up the guest room for you if you want. Just let me know," she offered, quickly dispelling the notion that he would have to stay with her if he chose to stay over.
It was the middle of the night when Derek opened his eyes to find himself in the guest room of the home he once shared with his family. He could hear yelling coming from upstairs and quickly jumped out of bed and rushed up to see what it was. When he got to his son's closed door, he knew in an instant that it was him.
"Chris," Derek nudged his shoulder. "Christopher."
Chris' eyes opened and he jumped back when he saw a hand moving toward him. "Stop touching me!"
Derek held his hands up. "Okay, I'm not touching you. Can you look at me?"
Unbeknownst to them, Addison had also been woken by the yelling and had come over to see what was going on. She stood by the door and watched him crouch down beside the bed to be at eye level with their son.
"You're okay. It was just a dream. You're home and you're safe."
Chris sighed, exhaling tiredly. "I finally fell asleep but then I started seeing nightmares. I kept seeing that doctor stick that huge q-tip in my penis while Ms. Jenkins holds me down," he noticed his mother at the door and turned red. "Sorry, I didn't see you."
"It's okay, I can leave if you want to just talk to your dad about it," she offered. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."
"I'm okay, you guys can go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you."
"Don't worry about waking us. All that matters is that you're okay," Addison assured him. "I'm gonna go back to my room to give you two privacy. Call me over if you need me, okay?"
Chris waited until he heard his mom's door close before he looked at his dad, "I'm okay, you can go back to sleep."
Derek shook his head, reached for the blanket that Chris must have kicked off at some point through the night. He pulled it back up to cover his son, almost as if the boy was six and not thirteen. "That sounds like a really scary dream you had, but you're okay. You're safe here, no one is going to touch you inappropriately and no one wants to hurt you in any way. Your mom and I won't let anything happen to you."
"But you're gonna leave again then it's just gonna be mom and she how's she supposed to protect me and Avery on her own? Avery is smaller, she's gonna need more attention."
Derek watched his son ramble on with a sense of heaviness building up in his chest. He had never realized how much attention his son needed from him and how long he had gone without giving it.
"I know I'm not making sense. I'm just rambling because I'm scared and nervous and that dream was weird..." Chris continued as his father tucked the blanket around him. "Can you just stay with me until I fall asleep?"
Derek nodded, sitting down at the foot of the bed. After a few minutes, Chris curled his legs toward his body, giving Derek room to lie back. He sighed tiredly as she reclined above the covers at the foot of his son's bed. "Don't kick me," Derek warned, only half teasing.
"I won't," Chris promised. There was a few minutes of silence before Christopher spoke again. "Thank you for being here, Dad."
It's been a hot second since I updated. Here is an update in honor of the news that Kate is returning to the GA for reoccurring appearances. Fingers crossed they don't ruin her marriage over the course of those appearances.
Don't forget a review!