A/N: Maybe one more chapter tonight, just need to look over it one more time to make sure it's ready to go.

Chapter Twenty-six

~O~

Cullen jogged up a long flight of stairs, the final one since he began his journey from the hidden Lowtown entrance he always used to get to Marian's cellar. He emerged into the large space that served as both Anders' and Marian's study and magical experimentation room. A place he had spent a great deal of time in over the past several years, to the point it had started to feel a lot like a home to him.

He tried not to think too deeply as to why he felt so much more relaxed and at ease in the company of two apostates, Anders being practically inseparable from Marian, so he couldn't spend time with her without getting the healer thrown into the bargain. But even so, when he wasn't on duty, he far preferred their company over being among those of his Order. It was why he had been spending more and more of his free time in Marian's cellar, whether it was one of his scheduled days with her, or not.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Marian shouted, before a book came sailing through the open doorway of the attached bedroom he and Anders took turns sharing with Marian. Anders amused laughter followed, and Cullen smiled, wondering what about the book had angered her. Retrieving it from where it landed, Cullen held it up when he stopped on the threshold where he surveyed the mostly naked pair. Anders in nothing but a pair of loose pants he favored for lounging, while Marian was as bare as her name day, sprawled alluringly across the enormous bed.

"Has this book done something to offend, Marian? Should I dispose of it for you?" Glancing down, his brows furrowed as he read the title aloud. "'Hard in Hightown: Apostate's Knight, The Order Dictates'."

Marian growled, sitting upright, her eyes snapping with anger. "I want to know who the fuck Varric has spying on the three of us. I'm going to set his chest hair on fire next time I see him!"

Anders laughed even louder and harder than before, shaking his head. Reaching for her hand, he tugged her against him and kissed her lips, grinning broadly.

"You're the spy, love. How many times must I warn you not to get drunk when you are alone with Varric? Drink doesn't only make you horny, it also turns you into an open, honest babbler that couldn't keep a secret to save your life, and Varric knows how to exploit that. Be glad I'm not angry over you spilling all my lovemaking techniques to the world. Read page sixty-nine, and you will see that he could only have written that scene if you or I told him about it. I certainly would never speak of our private moments with him, so…"

"You're making a lot of assumptions," Marian replied in an annoyed tone. "And you didn't invent sex, so you can't claim ownership of any particular technique. That would be conceited, even for you."

Anders smirked and narrowed his eyes. "Where you are concerned, I not only invented sex, I perfected it. I'm the master of your body and pleasure, and no one knows it better than I do, Marian, not even you."

Having turned to the page Anders mentioned, Cullen started reading while they talked, his brows climbing at some of the rather explicit descriptions. He scanned several more, but it was the chapter after that one that made his mouth fall open in shock. He made a choked noise, lowering the book to stare accusingly at Marian.

"This is about a Templar Lieutenant having sex with two rich, noble apostates in their cellar! Varric couldn't possibly have just pulled that out of thin air. I didn't think your fondness for racy, Orlesian style novels would extend to having us feature in one! Marian, did you tell him about us?"

She glared at Anders, then looked over at Cullen, chagrined and biting her lip. "Of course not! I mean...I don't remember telling him anything. But…" She shook her head and shrugged. Rising from the bed, she took the book from Cullen and tossed it on a nearby chair, pulling his head down to her for a long kiss. "Did you come to feed me?" She asked with an inviting smile.

"Of course, if you wish it, whatever you need." Cullen wrapped his arms around her loosely, pulling her flush to his chest.

"Huh, that was a rather fluid, masterful execution of that skill of yours, love. Distraction, followed by changing the subject, one of the tried and true methods for Marian Hawke to escape any unpleasant consequences for her actions," Anders said with a raised brow and a knowing smile.

Turning her head toward Anders, she gave him a frosty look. "Since you seem set on pointing out all my many shortcomings today, I won't burden you with my tiresome needs. Cullen can tend to me fully, and you can consider today your day off to go do whatever you like. Bye, Anders!" She had already started working on removing the templar's tunic while she spoke.

Anders shook his head and made a chiding sound. "Marian, Marian, have you still not learned your lesson, sweetheart? What did I tell you would happen if you ever joke about denying me your body, hmm?"

Tossing Cullen's shirt onto the same chair as the book, she slanted a challenging glance at Anders. "I seem to recall you saying you'll give me a sound fucking."

"Precisely, now you know what you have to look forward to," he said in a low tone, sitting upright, his eyes losing their playfulness and gaining intensity. The next words he spoke were directly to her mind, as they had discovered some time back that they could do with just the two of them whenever they chose, something Anders speculated was strengthened by their blood exchanges.

Your cunt is mine unless I say otherwise, and I don't currently feel like sharing it. Take Cullen's clothes off and get him to lie down so you can give him head on your hands and knees, then turn that pert ass of yours towards me. Do it now, Marian.

She cut her eyes towards Anders, then away. "Ignore him. Come over here with me, Cullen."

"Very well, milady. Do with me as you will."

Marian closed the door and led him further into the room. After he was naked, she pushed him to his back on the other side of the bed from where Anders lay. She laid beside him with her back to Anders and kissed Cullen until she could feel his desire fully overtake him, to the point where he was no longer self-conscious enough to care what she did.

Her eyes smoldered with arousal, excitement and anticipation while she proceeded to do as Anders instructed her to, his domination over her something she had come to desperately crave, and well he knew it. Kissing her way down Cullen's chest, she used her teeth and tongue on his nipples in the same way that drove Anders wild, smiling to already have Cullen worshipfully moaning her name.

You certainly have become far more domineering, of late. And what if I defied you, what then?

Swiping her tongue across the ridges of muscles down Cullen's abdomen, she pumped his hard cock in her hand before licking his salty pre-cum from the thick head, gratified by his pleasured groan in response.

Defy me if you like, sweetheart, but you'll definitely pay for it. I also think you'll regret your defiance when you're begging for release, but I don't let you come.

That's sounds unusually cruel, for you. What happened to always lovingly giving me whatever I need?

She took Cullen's cock in her mouth fully, sliding her tongue down his shaft until the head of his cock hit the back of her throat, before she took him even deeper.

I know exactly what you need, Marian, I always do. And because you eagerly did all I asked, here's your reward for such pleasing obedience.

She felt him slide between her legs, under her, then he pulled her cunt down against his mouth, his strong tongue immediately enslaving her to the broad strokes he licked over her clitoris and into her aching channel. She couldn't stop her involuntary moans, which blended together with Cullen's. What Anders did to her, she took out on Cullen's cock, her sucking briefly slowing when she quickly came from Anders' focused efforts.

He slid out from under and away from her soon after, giving her a chance to recover her senses a bit. Just as she was starting to get into a slow rhythm again with Cullen, Anders entered her from behind. He filled her so full, and she was already so sensitive, another loud, helpless moan rose from her.

"Maker's mercy, Marian," Cullen groaned, reaching a hand down to slide into her hair, his eyes clenched shut against his pending orgasm.

Not yet, Anders instructed her, his thrusts growing more forceful, his pace quickening. Don't let him come until I say, we're going to all come together, all three of us.

Then you better hurry, I can't hold him back much longer!

Anders sped his thrusts, his fingers finding her clit, just grazing it before he pinched it firmly.

Now, Marian, let go!

With a long, drawn out moan that would have been a shout or scream if her mouth wasn't full, Marian came hard around Anders cock, swallowing down Cullen's release while Anders filled her with his. She realized her magic and Anders had been swirling around the three of them the entire time they fucked, enhancing the whole experience. She wrung out every bit of pleasure from Cullen, warm and tingling all over from the bounty of it, feeling more full than she ever had before, glutted from it. Releasing Cullen's cock from her mouth, she laughed at the overwhelmed, drunken feeling their magically infused sex always gave her. Her eyes felt like sunbeams, a slight golden haze over her vision, coloring everything she looked at.

"Are we all still conscious?" She mumbled, turning her head to look up at Cullen's face, her smile growing at the broad grin he wore, his eyelids slowly lifting for his green-gold eyes to lock onto her.

"Conscious?" His heavy eyelids slid closed again. "I'll have to get back to you on that. Maybe after I wake up?"

Giggling again, more quietly, she rose off Cullen when Anders pulled her up to lean back against him, turning her head to him for his kiss, slow and sensual. Smiling when he pulled away, she examined his face, enamored by how brightly his eyes were shining with the same wild magic that still crackled through the room.

How do you feel? He asked her silently, clearly taking notice of how much three simultaneous orgasms affected her.

I feel completely full, and…..amazing, absolutely amazing, she replied. But, also exhausted. I think we must have used a lot of magic, I feel so drained.

Anders nodded with a small smile. We did use a lot of magic, but it wasn't conscious on my part. What about you, was it on purpose?

No, not on purpose. She shook her head and pressed another kiss to his lips. I didn't realize we used magic until after, it's kind of strange. Let's lay down with Cullen for a little nap. Also, was that good for you, with...all three of us?

Smiling softly, he kissed her again. It wasn't just good, it was incredible. Any form of sex with you always is, sweetheart. Do you think Cullen will be bothered by any of it when he wakes up?

Reaching down for a folded blanket along the bottom of the bed, she shook it out and spread it over Cullen, then herself and Anders, lying between the two men and yawning.

I don't think so. He hasn't been bothered by all of us being naked in front of each other for quite a long while. I'm not sure he will want to have a repeat performance right away, but I think it's huge that he feels comfortable enough with you to let what happened...happen.

Turning to her side, she scooted against Cullen, slipping an arm across his chest. When Anders spooned around her from behind, a common way for them to sleep together, she turned her head back enough to receive his kiss. Smiling, her eyes slid closed.

"Sleep well, sweetheart," Anders whispered, sliding his hand to rest over one of her breasts, just as he often did before drifting off, and followed the example of both of his bed-mates.

~O~

Cullen awoke to a pleasing sensation, light, teasing fingers circling one of his nipples before it was pinched, bringing a soft groan to his lips. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to see the impish smile of Marian Hawke before she slipped her hand down under the blanket that covered him to stroke him to full hardness.

"Are you trying to bring me back to life, only to slay me again, Marian?" He whispered, seeing Anders was asleep on the other side of Marian and doing his best not to wake him.

"I finished my nap and now I'm bored. Do you mind if I use you to entertain myself?" She whispered back.

"If either of you are trying not to wake me, don't bother, I've always been a very light sleeper." Anders said, and stretched, turning to look at Cullen and Marian. He saw where her hand moved beneath the blanket and smiled, shaking his head. "You really are insatiable today, sweetheart. Let me see what I can do to help you, a bit."

Anders slid beneath the covers, then Marian rolled from her side to her back right after, moaning. "Sweet holy Maker, Anders, how do you do that with your tongue?"

His laugh rose from under the blanket. "Practice, love. Lots and lots of practice, on you."

Reaching over, she gripped Cullen's cock again, pumping him slowly while Anders took her to the brink, over and over, but kept her from reaching completion, his loose hair tickling her. She flipped the blanket off of them so she could look down to meet his teasing, lusty gaze while he licked her, moving away from her clitoris again just as she was about to come.

"Anders," she whined, drawing his name out. "Are you going to make me beg you for it, before you let me come? Because I will beg if that's what it takes."

He held her gaze while he licked another slow circle around her clitoris, not quite touching it, his hot breath flowing over her again from his laughter when she growled her frustration. He rose up and immediately slid inside her, penetrating her with his cock, making her moan loudly at the feeling of blessed relief his hardness inside her promised.

"You don't have to beg to come, but you will have to ride me." He rolled, putting her on top of him and bringing her mouth to his for a kiss, her tongue sliding across his.

You still taste like Cullen.

Oh, whoops, she laughed in his mind. You drove me out of my mind and made me forget about him. I better use my magic before he gets embarrassed watching us like this.

Sitting upright, she started slowly riding Anders, reaching toward Cullen with her magic before she looked over and met his eyes, surprised by what she saw. He was openly watching them with a fascinated, enthralled look, and blatant desire. Making her magic feel like her mouth on his cock, she smiled when his eyes half lidded with pleasure and he breathed a soft groan.

Anders' magic on her nipples brought her eyes back to his, her breath catching in her throat at the naked longing in his golden gaze. She tightened her inner muscles around him, drawing that wonderful, deep sound from his chest that she loved to hear.

All that teasing I just did was for a reason, it was preparation. I'm going to make you come so hard, Marian. Are you ready?

"Yes," she breathed aloud. "Make me come, I'm more than ready."

Resting his hands at her waist, Anders helped her go faster while they rocked together. Soon she felt when she was right at the very edge, and gave a hard push to her magic, smiling when she felt and heard Cullen's climax. A strangled cry caught in her throat as she and Anders started coming, pulsing around and inside of each other at the same time, Marian briefly paralyzed from the intensity of their orgasms, unable to fully tell which set of sensations were hers, and deciding it didn't matter. She collapsed against Anders' chest, happy in the welcome aftermath and sighing in contentment.

Opening her eyes, she locked gazes with Cullen again, only a few feet away from her, smiling at his loving, satisfied demeanor. Lifting off Anders, she turned her smile to him, equally pleased by his adoring, lazy grin. Standing, she snatched her housecoat from the chair she left it on and headed for the door, looking back at both men, a teasing smile still on her lips.

"I'll return with sandwiches for Marian's harem!"

Chuckling, Anders snagged his pants and pulled them back on, getting off the bed. Giving Cullen a questioning look when he was similarly clad in only his breeches.

"The board is set up, if you feel like a game while we wait."

"You know I won't say no to that," Cullen smiled. "You won the last game, so I wouldn't mind a chance to regain my title of chess master." They walked out of the bedroom and went to the part of the wide-open space that served as the lounging area, complete with couches and game table.

Anders grinned, sitting opposite Cullen, the table holding the chess board between them. "It's nice to have someone to play against."

Cullen nodded in understanding. "Marian doesn't have the patience for strategy. Though I have to say, Ineria has become quite a formidable player in the last year, or so. If I don't pay careful attention, she has me in mate before I've even seen it."

Anders made the first move, his brows furrowed. "How is Ineria? I know Marian goes to see her from time to time, but she hasn't given me an update on her in a while."

Cullen's expression darkened while he made his first move. "She's resilient, of course, but I know she still has nightmares, off and on. She is at her best and happiest when Carver is near her, and I try to have his duties keep him close to her, as much as possible. She'll be seventeen soon, and her harrowing is coming up."

"Are you doing it?" Anders asked, looking up from the board.

"Carver and I will both be present, it will make her the most comfortable. But I've come to a decision regarding her, after discussing it with Carver. Her phylactery will be a false one, as I don't think she is meant to be in a Circle long-term." He drew a deep breath, staring down at the chess pieces before meeting the healer's sharp gaze. "She's too much like you and Marian, the rigidity of a Circle would destroy her, and I won't stand by and allow that to happen. I care for her as I imagine I would a daughter, and Carver sees her as a little sister. We have to do as we feel is best for her."

Leaning back in his seat, Anders gave him a long, probing look. "I never thought I would have the feelings toward you that I do, Cullen."

The Knight-Captain raised a brow, smiling. "If you're about to declare your undying love to me, I would much rather you didn't, you know Marian is the only one for me."

Anders gave him a dry, amused look, shaking his head and chuckling. "Ah, no, my undying love is also only for Marian, and she's the only person I'll ever desire, you know that. What I meant is I didn't expect to come to see you as someone I would value, a true friend. You were so rigid and dogmatic in the Ferelden tower, I didn't imagine you could ever come to view a mage as you do now."

"Come to love one, you mean?" Cullen asked, turning a pawn over and over in his fingers, his eyes focused on the movement before he looked up again.

"Well…" Anders smirked. "Perhaps that part doesn't entirely surprise me. I saw how you looked at Solona Amell, even if you were too honorable to ever do anything about it."

Cullen smiled to himself, thinking back. "Solona was a sweet girl, but it was just a small flirtation between us, nothing deeper." He looked up, meeting Anders musing eyes. "She certainly wasn't Marian. If Marian had been there, instead of her…" He shook his head, thinking it very likely he would have thrown away everything to do with the Order, and run away with her instead. He focused on the healer again. "I could never have resisted Marian. Did you ever end up bedding Solona?"

Anders laughed and sighed, his lips twisted ruefully. "You must have thought that I would just bed anyone who agreed to it, but that isn't true. I had a requirement of my own, for any person I agreed to have sex with- they had to see it as just a bit of fun, and nothing more. The sentimental ones, the serious ones, like Solona, I purposefully avoided, even if they approached me. She never did, she was too smart, and it doesn't surprise me that she's a cousin to Marian. But I didn't want emotional entanglements of any kind." The healer's expression darkened. "The Tower was no place for love, it only withered there."

"No, you're right, I agree with you." Cullen moved another of his pieces. "Love never ended well. Do you remember Jowan?"

"I remember him." Anders pressed his lips together, surveying the board. "He was a fucking idiot. I knew how he would end. I can't fathom why so many mages turn to blood magic and demons, when they know it only ends one way. It makes me angry, I'll never understand it."

"Desperation? Despair?" Cullen shrugged. "I wish there were a way to keep mages from the arms of demons, but if there is, I certainly don't know what it might be."

Anders brows drew together in thought. "What if there were a way? Would you support that? Marian's ability to bond and bind...that extends to spirits, as well."

Cullen frowned. "It does? What spirits has she bound, and why have I never heard any mention of this before now?"

Drawing a deep breath, Anders leaned his arms on the edge of the table. "You know I'm a spirit healer, Cullen, and you know benevolent spirits sometimes offer their aid when a healing goes beyond the mage's abilities, don't you?"

"I'm aware...although the Chantry distrusts any spirits, as demons can also masquerade as good spirits to gain a mage's trust, and then possess them. I know for spirit healers, some templars prefer to look the other way for the help provided, but there is still a very real risk involved."

"I think it's time you knew this, what's possible." Anders held Cullen's gaze as he started to glow with blue light. "I'm trusting you with this, Cullen, please don't betray my faith in you. I have the help of a benevolent spirit, a spirit of Justice. He is fully bound to Marian, and because of that, he is unable to do anything without her permission, or mine." Anders' brown eyes disappeared under the spirit light of Justice that Anders fully called forth. Cullen tensed, his eyes widening as raw Fade power surrounded him, so much his teeth felt like they were vibrating from it.

"Don't be afraid, there's no danger," Anders said, in his calm, soothing tone. "Take my hand, Knight-Captain, feel there is no evil here, only good. This is Marian's touch, examine it, and you'll know what I say is true."

Stretching his awareness, honed from years of dealing with magic, both good and bad, Cullen quickly analyzed what he felt, finally accepting the hand Anders offered, gasping at the power flowing from the healer's body into his, the familiar sweet, rich magic of Marian he would know anywhere, the strongest.

"I feel Marian's magic, and yours, Anders, but this other?" Cullen blinked against the brightness glowing from Anders so he could see the mage's face. Anders nodded.

"That other is Justice. Now, you will know and recognize his magic if I need his help and call him forth." Anders laughed suddenly. "Justice says you have a pure aura, Cullen, and he approves of that. He is surprised to find that in a templar, as his experiences with templars have mostly been ones who were corrupt." Anders released Cullen, the bright glow quickly fading away until Anders regained his usual appearance.

"Ah, thank you?" Cullen said, his brows still drawn together as he considered all the implications of what Anders had revealed. "Anders, how long have you…?"

"Years," Anders replied, before Cullen could finish his question. "Justice and I have been together since I was with the Wardens in Amaranthine." Turning, Anders smiled at Marian, where she stood tense a dozen feet away, watching them with a concerned expression. The plate of sandwiches she brought, forgotten on the desk beside her.

"Come, sweetheart, there's nothing to worry about. It was time for Cullen to know about Justice, trust is reciprocal. We can't expect his trust if we don't give him ours."

Are you alright, Cullen? You aren't angry with me for not mentioning this to you before, are you? She asked silently.

Cullen held her gaze, recognizing what exactly it was he felt, the complete opposite of anger. "No, I'm not angry with you, Marian," he murmured. "I know you were protecting Anders." He looked down at the chess board and sighed, surprised when Marian was instantly in front of him, framing his face in her hands.

I'm so sorry I hurt you, love, I never wanted that. I didn't tell you because I thought it would be better if you weren't aware, due to having deniability, in case it ever became known. The same reason Carver didn't tell you about everything that happened with Alrik until later. If the Knight-Commander asked, you wouldn't have to lie. I was trying to protect you, do you understand? Will you forgive me if I made a poor choice?

He stared into her earnest blue eyes, his heart melting at the sight, as it always did. She wanted to protect him and Anders, Anders wanted to protect Marian. Cullen wanted to protect Marian too, and because Anders was a part of Marian, him by extension, and now a Fade spirit into the bargain, as well. It was a tangled, convoluted web of love, resolve and good intentions. But where would it all lead? And how much longer could his own heart bear to be with the woman he loved, in her presence, making love to her with his whole heart, when they could never again be more to each other than just friends? He had been swallowing down that pain for years, all to be there for her in her need, but one day he would be so full of it that it would finally choke him. What then? He had no answer for that, so he put it from his mind again, a problem to ponder on another day, and gave her an answer to her questions.

Cullen rested a hand against her soft cheek and smiled. "I know you make every choice with your heart, Marian, out of care and a desire to protect, I understand that. We all do that because we care for one another, that's love, and there's nothing to forgive in that, beloved. You have my heart and my trust, I hope you will give me your full trust, in turn. As I have sworn to you before, I will never betray you." He looked up and met Anders eyes. "Either of you. Or...is it all three of you, now?"

Anders grinned and clapped a hand on Cullen's shoulder before he released it. "You're taking this remarkably well, Cullen, I'm impressed." His smile turned mischievous. "I bet you never thought you would be part of something as kinky as a foursome with a Fade spirit, hmm?" Anders laughed aloud, shaking his head. "Justice says I'm being dishonest, he never participates in our sexual activity, he finds it beneath him."

"Andraste's tits," Cullen muttered. "I can't believe you said that."

Marian laughed, looking up at Cullen in amusement. "I can't believe you said 'Andraste's tits'! We're clearly corrupting you, sweet templar. What should we do about that?"

Cullen smiled down at her. Whatever you do, don't stop.

She smiled seductively. "I'm suddenly very hungry again, and feel a desperate need to ride my handsome templar. Would you be open to that, love?"

He laughed quietly and pulled her against him so she could clearly feel his interest. "What do you think?"

Anders smiled at them from where he had moved over to sit on top of the desk, working on eating a sandwich. "It's on her voracious days like this that I'm glad Marian has us both to tend her, Cullen. I'm going to sit here and eat while you go sort her out again."

"Oh!" Marian looked back from the doorway of the bedroom. "Phillipe finished baking fresh scones. Would you mind bringing us down some with tea, in about a half hour?"

Anders licked chicken salad off his finger. "Of course. I'll go and see to it." He smirked and looked at Cullen over Marian's head. Enjoy the ride.

The Knight-Captain's brows rose. With Marian, I don't think I have any other choice than to enjoy it.

Marian turned a sultry smile on both men, then shut the bedroom door.

~O~

Massaging her sore left shoulder, Marian followed Anders through the Hightown market toward home. She was not only aching from overexertion but felt drained, emotionally and magically. Battling another powerful mage was challenging enough, yet it seemed a trifle in comparison to her hurt feelings and confusion over her friend's rejection. Fenris had never spoken so cruelly to her before, and she thought their friendship had moved beyond her being a mere mage in his eyes, but maybe she had only been fooling herself. With his hatred for magic, maybe he would always see her as the enemy.

You should let me kick his ass, Anders insisted angrily in her mind. He had no right to speak to you as he did, and after all you've done to keep him free. He would have long since been back in Danarius' clutches, if not for you. Anders glanced over at her, his jaw clenched when he met her eyes, his own brimming with fury on her behalf. She reached out and laced her fingers with his, giving him a small smile but making no answer, as he already knew her feelings on it.

Sighing, he pressed his lips together. I won't do anything to him, you know I would never grieve you like that. But you can hardly blame me for wanting to kill him when he wounded you so deeply. I hate your pain, Marian. I will always want to soothe it away, it's the healer in me just as much as the lover.

Her eyes softened and she squeezed his hand. I know, Anders, and I dearly cherish that about you, but I'm a big girl. What is meant to happen with Fenris, will happen, one way or the other. I will cope with the outcome, whatever it may be. For now, I'm done thinking about it.

Anders opened the door to the estate, letting Marian enter first. She made it several steps into the dim interior, stopping in her tracks when her eyes adjusted and she saw who was sitting on a bench in the entryway, waiting for her. Looking at Anders, she waited until he nodded and moved past her, glaring at Fenris before he passed him and disappeared into another part of the mansion. The elf stood to his feet, scanning her face with furrowed brows.

"Hawke… May I speak with you, in private?"

"Come on." She led him to the sitting room and shut the door, sitting down on one of the couches and staring at him expectantly. He paced back and forth several times before speaking.

"I...apologize for what I said to you earlier. I didn't intend to lash out at you in that manner, but seeing Hadriana again…" He clenched a fist, looking away. "It brought it all back, all her cruelty, the pleasure she took in tormenting me, the hate. Sometimes it feels like this hate will devour me, whole. I can't get rid of it, can't escape it. I want to leave it behind, but I don't know how." The elf turned to look at her, searching her eyes before shrugging and looking away, his voice growing quiet. "But perhaps I've ruined things between us, blaming everyone with magic for all my woes, when I should probably gaze into a looking glass if I would meet my true enemy." He chanced another glance when her silence continued, pressing his lips together when he saw the tears brimming in her eyes.

"We aren't given a choice in the difficulties we face, you know." Her voice was low and full of a longtime pain, as were her blue eyes, holding his captive by the kinship of suffering he read there. "I've spent most of my life silently hating my magic, despising the feeling of being a slave to something I never asked for. If I had been asked, I would have refused, rejected all the years of feeling trapped and frustrated. But then something happened, someone happened, and I learned to see myself differently, through the eyes of love. I'm only a slave to something in my mind if I allow it to control me, to color how I see the world, and others. If I choose to meet my challenges head on, be brave, despite my fears, frustrations and hate… Is that not a worthy struggle, something to strive for?"

Hawke patted the couch beside her and Fenris came and sat, considering her words. "I would say it is a worthy struggle."

Her lips tilted up in a slight smile and she held her hand out to him, palm up, waiting until he took it before she wrapped her fingers around his. "What you said hurt me, Fenris, because you're my friend, and I love you. I care for your good opinion, but more than that, when I see you hurting, I hurt too. I want to do this…" She glowed with magical light from her hands, making him suck in a surprised breath when it flowed into his body, instantly taking the almost constant pain from his markings and filling his veins with vitality and cool refreshment.

"Hawke," he whispered in amazement. He usually hated the touch of magic, any magic, but hers was... "How are you…. Why…?" He couldn't fathom why she would care if he was in pain, much less try to alleviate it. But the more her magic flowed into him, the better he felt, actually finding her touch welcome and exceedingly pleasant. Something he hadn't felt in a very long time. The unfamiliar sting of tears in his eyes made him blink, trying to force them away. He felt well and good, so much that he almost wanted to laugh from it. What was this madness?

"Magic is just a tool, Fenris. It can be used to hurt or heal, an extension of the person it flows through." Her magic faded and she released his hand from her grip, resting her own back on her lap. "If you allow it, I can always use my magic for your good, anytime you're hurting. Maybe in time, you can come to despise magic a little less, just as I have." Hawke dropped her gaze to the floor, releasing a quiet breath. "Maybe even despise me less too."

He made a pained sound, dropped to a knee before her and took one of her hands in his, staring earnestly up into her eyes. "I don't despise you, Hawke. I...I care for you. I admire you as I do no other. Forgive me for my cruel words, and I will try to do as you say…and...and...welcome your touch...and perhaps your magic, as well. Thank you for the kindness you did me now, one I did not deserve." He lifted her hand and briefly pressed his lips there, looking up when she lifted his chin. Her smile was gentle, making his own lips lift in an answering smile.

"You do deserve kindness, and it makes me happy to give it to you, as well as help you in this small way, so you can't refuse since it would be denying me happiness." Her smile widened. "I value your friendship, Fenris. I value you, a person of worth who has much to offer."

His green eyes brightened with warmth, losing their tormented look. "I will strive to be worthy of your continued trust and friendship, Hawke. Illuminet amor viam nostram." She tilted her head with a questioning look. "A saying in Tevene I never truly understood before now, it roughly translates to 'let love light our way'."

"Let love light our way," she repeated thoughtfully. "I like it, words to live by, I think."

He nodded with a look of resolve. "Yes, and something worth striving for. Together."

Hawke's eyes were soft, glad at the care and concern she could see in his green gaze, once more. Her friend returned to her fully, she nodded in agreement to all the things spoken and unspoken between them.

"Together."

~O~