While there were many things he disliked about boarding school, most notable among them that the teachers were either incompetent idiots, naïve pacifists, or assholes who carried a grudge against his sperm donor, there was nevertheless one aspect of Hogwarts that Harry always looked forward to.
The all-you-can-eat smorgasbord.
Yes it sucked that a certain form-changing Puff was no longer around to run interference for him. Especially since her last letter had indicated that she was tough enough to attract the interest of the type of mentor that could maybe make her as trigger-happy as his family back home. So there was no hope of Tonk's 'popping' in for a visit.
But considering his year mates had learned not to interfere with his meal time, his morning was shaping up to be a particularly nice day.
"HEYA HARRY!"
Or it would have been if his breakfast hadn't been interrupted by a bright flash and a voice that was far too chipper for his liking.
Shooting the beaming idiot a look that caused his closest year mates to quickly shuffle away from the potentially bloody spectacle, the black-haired Hufflepuff lamented the fact that this wasn't Hell since the grinning blond was proving himself to be more of an annoyance than Malfoy.
"NicetomeetyouHarry! MynamesColinCreevey! I'm…"
"About to go through that window if you keep running your mouth."
"Too true Fred. Merlin knows that our little badger isn't exactly the friendly sort."
"Unless of course you happen to be an older female George."
"Or come bearing presents of the consumable sort."
Relaxing just a little, since the presence of the Weasley twins ensured that the annoyance would soon be dealt with, albeit in a manner that was less cathartic than he would have liked, Harry found his murderous impulses rising as the stupid blond continued to talk.
"Oh I'm sorry Harry. I didn't realize you were still eating. I'm just really excited to be here. I mean, when I learned I was a Wizard you can imagine I was feeling a little scared. But then when I found out that I would be attending school with a celebrity, I thought…"
"That you would take my picture, without my consent I might add, and start treating me like we're buddies? I don't know what kind of drugs you've been taking, but clearly you need a different prescription."
His words causing the overly energetic boy to frown in confusion, Harry prepared himself for another bout of stupidity but was saved by the uncharacteristically concerned voices of his 'friends'.
"Do my eyes deceive me brother mine?"
"I don't they believe they do."
"Unless of course you're not seeing poor Erol make a beeline for our youngest brother."
"With a familiar red envelop?"
"Well, at least Mum isn't angry at us for a change."
Shooting the twins a look of confusion, and craning his neck in the direction of their house table, Harry felt himself cringe as he heard the amplified tones of the woman who dared to insult Loona's fashion sense.
"RONALD BILIUS WEASELY! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?! IT IS ONE THING TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE DISPLEASED WITH YOUR SISTER'S SORTING! BUT ITS QUITE ANOTHER TO HEAR THAT YOU'RE TREATING HER AS IF SHE'S A FAN OF YOU KNOW WHO! YOUR FATHER AND I ARE VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! REGARDLESS OF WHICH HOUSE SHE IS IN, GINNY IS STILL YOUR LITTLE SISTER, AND WE EXPECT YOU TO TREAT HER AS SUCH! IF I GET WORD THAT YOUR CONTINUING TO BULLY HER, THEN WE WILL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME! Oh and Ginny dear, you needn't worry. Even if you weren't sorted into Gryffindor, your father and I still love you."
For a moment the only sound that could be heard was silence.
But said moment quickly passed as the hall erupted into a mixture of laughter and chatter as their attention was now focused on the youngest members of the Weasley clan.
He hadn't really been paying attention to the Sorting after it had been made clear that a certain blond girl wouldn't become a Badger. But Harry nevertheless knew that the second youngest Weasley possessed a steadily developing hatred for anything associated with Slytherin.
Which meant that Ron would treat Jenny, or whatever the hell her name was, with the same type of loathing that was usually reserved for Malfoy and his goons.
Still that being said, he thought that Mama Weasley's attempt to force him to change his ways was a bit much.
This was a school after all.
And nothing was more embarrassing than having one's parent publicly chastise you for immature behavior.
However, it wasn't his problem. The currently tomato-faced ginger was only, at best, a tolerated acquaintance of his. Which meant that whatever family issues he was currently going through wasn't his concern.
"Wow! I wonder if my parents could do that for me. I mean, not like what happened with Ron of course. But since telephones don't seem to work in this place, it would be amazing to be able to send talking messages!"
If he was Malfoy, he probably would have said something racist to get rid of Creepy.
If he was channeling Granger, he would have gone on some long-winded rant about why Muggle Devices didn't work in Hogwarts. His laptop and cellphone being the sole exception of course. But he had no intention of explaining to anyone how he managed to get them to work.
But since he was neither of those two constant annoyances, plus the fact that he was desperate to return to his morning meal before he had to go enjoy digging in the dirt, he turned towards the Twins with a deal.
"Guys, if you get rid of this…paparazzi wannabee, and do your best to keep him away from me, I'll see what I can do about your…family issues. Not gonna promise great or even immediate results since your brother is an idiot, but I promise to kick him where it hurts if he keeps bullying those who don't deserve it."
For a brief moment, the Twins merely looked at the green-eyed Hufflepuff and the understandably confused Gryffindor before turning their heads to stare at each other and then shooting Harry a look that contained a degree of seriousness he had never seen before.
"Thanks Potter, but we're gonna have to decline. You're a great guy and all."
"And we of course are happy to associate with you."
"But little Ronnikens is a Weasley."
"Which means that it is up to us."
"And Percy. Can't forget Percy."
"To correct our youngest brother of his behavior."
"Which sadly means young Badger."
"That you will have to deal with your latest fan all by yourself."
Slowly turning towards the most recent annoyance in his life with a look of consideration, for he hadn't quite figured out how he was gonna get rid of Creepy, Harry quickly settled on what he was gonna do as the annoying Gryffindor continued to talk.
"Sooo, is it ok if I get another photo? I mean, I really wanna document all this for my family back home. You can imagine they were quite shocked when one morning an owl flew through our kitchen window and handed me my letter. I thought it was a prank of some sort until I got a home vis.."
CRASH!
He knew he was looking at least a week of mind-numbing detentions for this, and possibly a scolding lecture from his dad on how he should follow his method of conflict resolution instead of their employer's, but that didn't matter at the moment.
Creepy was no longer talking since he was staring in horror at the sight of his hopefully irreparable camera.
Which meant that he could get back to the only thing that mattered to him in the mornings.
The consumption of piles of bacon and scrambled eggs.
….
Though it wasn't one of her favorite classes, even if it did give her a chance to practice the material in a supportive environment, Hermione nevertheless found herself in a good mood as she waited for Professor Sprout to arrive.
Yes it was petty of her, and like many of her housemates, she did in fact find Colin to be a little annoying. But she couldn't help but like him since it was thanks to his actions that Potter once again got into trouble.
It was more than likely that the infuriating Hufflepuff would just get a slap on the wrist instead of a more lasting punishment.
But anything that could wipe the smug look off of Potter's face was something that she could fully support.
Even if the majority of her non-Slytherin yearmates disagreed with her.
"So how much trouble do you think Potter's gonna be in this time?"
"I dunno. I mean, Creevey was warned numerous times before he went to meet his 'hero'."
"And it helps that it wasn't McGonagall or the Bat that got to him first."
"True. Sprout isn't a pushover. But she is a bit nicer than your head of house."
"That's true. Can't say if it would have been better if he was in our house or not."
"You have a point Ernie. I mean, since Tonks isn't here anymore to run interference, the Prefects have taken to warning the first years about Potter's…social habits."
"I mean… he is kinda friendly if you get to know him."
"But its obvious that your asking for trouble if you try to do so during meal time."
Her patience waning as she heard nothing but guarded approval for the absent Hufflepuff, Hermione found herself rolling her eyes as the voice of one of the lesser annoyances in her life added to the conversation.
"You can say that again. I mean, I can't count all of the times Malfoy thought it was a good idea to start something during mealtime."
Deciding that she had heard enough, if only because she couldn't really handle Ron's attempt to try and make himself more important than he really was, Hermione moved to put an end to this topic of conversation in a manner that her 'tutor' would undeniably approve of.
"Considering your marks from last semester, I don't think anyone should be relying on you when it comes to counting."
It was perhaps the meanest comment she had ever spoken aloud. And she was confident that it had done nothing to increase her standing with the rest of her House.
Fortunately however, her housemates missed their chance to express their juvenile opinions thanks to the arrival of not only the topic of their conversation but also one of the few people she wanted to like her.
She might have not enjoyed digging in the dirt, but Hermione nevertheless respected Professor Sprout as an educator who not only knew her material but also was more than capable of sharing what she knew with those that wished to learn.
But considering the less than happy expression of the Herbology Professor, and the slightly surly look of the second year Badger, it was clear that today she would have to temper her academic enthusiasm lest she earn the ire of the
"Everybody put on your gear and head over to Green House Three. Anyone who does not have the necessary equipment will be deducted five points, and spend this evening writing me an essay on the necessity of properly being prepared for the classroom."
Quickly obeying the barked instructions of her professor, idly noting that no one had been foolish enough to forget the equipment that was necessary for digging in the dirty, Hermione found herself frowning in disapproval as she heard Potter's less than pleased muttering.
"Oh great. The pedo's back."
She wasn't sure which was worse.
The fact that Potter now felt confident enough to use THAT sort of language when a teacher was about. Or the fact that he was directing it towards the new D.A.D.A. professor.
Yes she knew, thanks to her 'study guide', that Lockhart wasn't the esteemed 'hero' the general public believed him to be. His claim of forcing a Vampire to live off of anything but blood was pure nonsense that anyone with a working brain should have figured out.
But he was still a teacher.
Which meant that until he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was unqualified for his position, she would treat him with the respect his position deserved.
Even if Professor Sprout's expression indicated that such a belief would prove to be short-lived.
"…Professor Lockhart. What are you doing here? I thought that you had a class starting soon."
Most of her classmates frowned at their Herbology's teacher unusually frosty tone.
But Lockhart either missed it, or chose to ignore it as he flashed a cheerful smile at his colleague.
"I do my dear Pomora, I do. But considering this is the first day back from summer holiday, I believe that I can afford to be a little late since I'm sure they would rather read about my adventures instead of having me regale them myself. However, I believe that as my first duty as an educator, I need to impart some useful advice to a student whose career has closely mirrored my own. I trust that Mr. Potter can afford to miss the first few minutes of your lesson?"
Once again she was confronted with a situation she didn't really know how to process.
On one hand a teacher was asking another educator to allow a student to miss some crucial knowledge because of a misplaced sense of responsibility.
But on the other hand, while she disproved of his word choice, Hermione nevertheless found herself approving of Potter's response to this request.
At least the spirit in which it was presented.
"Considering the only thing your missing is an unmarked van and a bag of candy, the answer is gonna be fuck no."
While the context of this insult seemed to go over the head of both Lockhart and most of her year mates, especially the one's whose upbringing was mostly magical, nobody could mistake the fact that Potter had no interest in agreeing to be alone with the man.
A sentiment that was supported by his Head of House.
"While his language IS inappropriate, and will see a further extension of his detention with either myself or Professor McGonagall, if you wish to discuss anything with MY student GILDROY, you will do so during your own time."
This of course merely caused the still smiling Professor to nod his head.
"But of course Professor. The best time to advise the next generation is of course during a time when they want to listen. And I guarantee you that as soon as young Harry, and his classmates, learn what I have accomplished during the course of my life, I am confident that more than one will be eager to be taken under my wing."
She hated to do so, but Hermione found herself copying Potter's wince at this easily misleading statement.
Not just because Lockhart's words could be interpreted in a manner that reminded her of her Muggle public school classes about 'stranger danger', but because the man had probably just earned himself the top spot on Potter's enemy list.
This meant that not only would she have to experience the now all but confirmed idiocy of someone who had somehow fooled one of the greatest wizards in history into giving him a job, but she also the immature antics of a boy who chose to squander his talents on petty pursuits.
Not the best way to start a new year.
But she supposed it could be worse.
It wasn't as if her life was in mortal in peril from some monster or evil wizard after all.
And even if it was, she was confident enough that her extra studying would allow her the chance to stand her ground long enough for a respectable teacher to come to her aid.
For while she was the brightest Witch in her age group, and probably at two or three levels above her when it came to theoretical knowledge, she was still only a second-year student.
And as such, she would leave it to other, more experienced individuals to deal with whatever potential crisis that could arise at Hogwarts this year.
Cause after all, no child should be forced to deal with a situation when there were fully trained adults around.
…..
Beaming as he announced his arrival in a manner that was similar, but far more friendly, and dare he say theatric, in nature to his hooked nose colleague, Lockhart wasted no time in delivering a speech that he had practiced ever since 'his' exploits had propelled him into the spot light.
"Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that. Afterall, I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
His joke earning only a couple of giggles, mostly from the female students, the blond-haired professor swept his gaze across the room, resting on the less-than-pleased expression of the Boy Who Lived for a moment longer than others, before delving into his lesson plan.
"But that's all in the past of course. While I do confess to miss some of the adventure that comes with facing the forces of evil, there is nothing nobler than passing on my teachings to those of the next generation. Which is why I humbly accepted Professor Dumbledore's request to come to Hogwarts in order to ensure that you all are ready to face the evil forces that are out there. But before I test your mettle, I believe a pop quiz will give you all a chance to demonstrate just how well you understood the lessons I was trying to teach you."
Waving his wand to send each student a list of already prepared questions, Lockhart glanced at the clock before turning his attention back on the understandably nervous class.
"I believe 30 minutes will be more than sufficient time to complete the quiz. And don't worry, this isn't for marks. Merely a means to get a sense of just how well acquainted you are with your reading material."
Chuckling slightly at the crestfallen expression of a particularly bushy-haired Gryffindor, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher spent the next half hour assessing his students.
Potter of course was his chief priority to get under his wing since his 'achievement' had ensured that he was an international icon, but there were more than a few students he wouldn't mind inducting into his own version of the Slug Club.
He hadn't been allowed to join of course since his talents were not the type to win the approval of old Sluggy, but he deemed the goal to be the same.
With one minor difference of course.
Slughorn's chosen reward for his networking skills was the odd creature comfort. While his was to use the fame and connections of others to ensure that he remained in the public eye.
And while it would be sometime before most of these students could be of use to him, having the niece of the Head of Brtain's Magical Law Enforcement, and the scions of the Macmillian and Longbottom family view him in a positive light was an admirable feather in his cap.
Which was why when the time was up, he would take delight in offering bits of friendly advice as he read their answers.
However that idea quickly flew out the window as he read the answers that had been given by Potter.
'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest ambition? To live in a country that allows predators to live close to public schools.'
'How did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Banshee of the Marsk? He drowned out the sound of her voice by talking about himself.'
'How did Gilderoy defeat the Scourge of the Steppe? He bored it to death by talking about hair care products.'
'What was the feat that caused Gilderoy Lockhart to first be recognized for his heroics? He bribed some official who needed money to cover a gambling debt.'
Frowning a little at that last one, if only because he did in fact use bribes during the early course of his 'career' to track down those whose physical appearance did not meet the expectations for their exploits, Lockhart took a moment to ponder his next move.
For on one hand, he could use this opportunity to try and lower the self-esteem of the Boy Who Lived in order to make him more susceptible to accepting his 'guidance'.
But he knew from experience that celebrities hated to be in the limelight when they were already on edge.
Momentarily wracked with indecision, Lockhart soon sported a slightly mischievous expression as he decided to move forward with the more practical portion of his class.
"Since I appreciate the fact that books are in no way a substitute for real life experience…"
At this the bushy-haired Gryffindor girl flashed him a look of annoyance that he happily ignored.
"I have prepared a special treat for you all. I urge you not to scream, for it might…PROVOKE THEM!"
Pleased with the flourish of his reveal, for it was not easy to produce a heavily laden cage from behind his desk, feather weight charms were not his forte, the blond-haired professor allowed his smile to gain a touch of satisfaction as he heard the interested tone of the Boy Who Lived.
"Cornish Pixies?!"
Beaming as he moved to stand beside the now violently shaking cage, Lockhart nodded his head in approval before he proceeded to move forward with his plan.
"Freshly caught Cornish Pixies Mr. Potter. Devilishly and cunning little buggers the lot of them."
As expected, his words earned a snort of derision from both Potter but also a large portion of the boys in the class.
"You're having us on aren't you Professor? I mean, nothing that small could actually be dangerous. Right?"
Though slightly saddened that the question had come from the Irish twelve-year-old instead of the Boy Who Lived, Lockhart nevertheless continued with his little performance with the type of theatrics that had ensured his popularity with the public.
"Don't be so sure Mr. Finnigan. Pixies are quite tricky little buggers. So on that note, let's see what you make of them!"
Fighting the urge to laugh as he saw his students cower in the face of the released swarm, Lockhart felt some of his enthusiasm dim as he witnessed Potter's reaction to this little 'demonstration.'
"I say Harry there's no need to do that. Theres a simply solution for rounding them all up. So repeat after me. Peskipixie Peski…"
He wasn't sure which was worse for his image.
The fact that his wand had been stolen by a creature that he had announced to be easy to deal with.
Or the fact that his luxurious hair was now covered in Pixie guts thanks to Potter's decision to act like a wand-happy Auror.
But given the state of the classroom, with one unfortunate student being unlucky enough to warrant a team of pixies floating him up to the ceiling, the blond-haired professor fell back on a skill that he had perfected over the course of his career.
"Right. That's um….That's it for today's class. I'll just umm…I'll just leave you lot to clean it up then."
….
If she needed any further proof that Lockhart was unworthy of his position, the sight of him fleeing into his office while chaos was reigning in the classroom was more than enough to convince Hermione of her earlier suspicions.
Not just because the man readily abandoned his responsibilities when he couldn't control the chaos he had created, but also because he had done nothing to prepare the class for this 'challenge'.
She of course already had an idea of how to deal with the Pixies in a manner that was far more effective, and humane than what Potter was currently doing. The benefit of reading potential course materials months in advance.
But Lockhart's inability to properly prepare the class for what they would be dealing with had confirmed her fears that the class would be a waste of time.
At least if she didn't view it with the same cynical viewpoint as her 'tutor'.
For while she wouldn't be learning anything useful in this class, it nevertheless gave her the opportunity to outshine her classmates by revealing that she was more than just a walking encyclopedia.
"Immobulus!"
Smirking proudly as her spell took effect, Hermione felt her good mood instantly vanish as she not only noticed that only two of her classmates were present to witness her feat, but that one of them was less than impressed with her efforts.
"Killjoy."
Staring with undisguised loathing at the green-eyed Hufflepuff, and having had no outlet to properly vent her frustrations since the morning, Hermione wasted little time in yelling at her academic rival.
"Killjoy? KILLJOY!? Is that all you have to say!? I know your not exactly the poster child for good behavior Potter, but casually killing innocent creatures is a low that I thought even you wouldn't sink to. Your parents would be ashamed."
While this caused the green-eyed boy to finally drop his bored expression, his reply was still far too casual for her tastes.
"Hate to say it but your right Granger. My parents would be ashamed of me for how I acted. With the time I had in a target-rich environment, I should have blasted maybe three times as many of these pests before you decided to interfere. And I would hardly call these things innocent."
….
Enjoying the look of anger that was currently being worn by the bushy-haired nuisance, Harry quickly expanded on his last point before he was forced to endure another tirade.
"If they were truly innocent, they would have attacked their 'jailer' as soon as they were free rather than a class full of students who had done them no harm. But did they go our idiot professor? No. They chose to vent their wrath on a bunch of children who hadn't done them any harm. So, like the calm and rational person that I am, I took measures to try and force them to direct their attention elsewhere."
He knew this line of thinking wasn't exactly in fashion in most modern human societies, at least in a public sense. But Hell's inhabitants, be they Hellborns or Sinners, strongly believed in utilizing more 'permanent' solutions when it came to dealing with hostile opponents.
His parents, grandparents, and 'teachers' had all regaled him with stories of how they dealt with those had acted on their, as Stolas liked to say, less than peaceful intentions.
But this wasn't something he was willing to share with Granger.
Not that she was in a mood to listen to anything he said.
"That doesn't excuse your..your..barbarity! I'm not saying I condone violence.."
"Which is weird considering your reaction to my preferred method of dealing with Malfoy."
This earned him a glare, but since she hated Malfoy almost as much as he did, perhaps more considering her demographic, she continued as if he hadn't spoken.
"But there is a time and place for everything. And this was NOT the time or place."
There were many things he could say to this.
Chief among them being that a room filled with rampaging piies was in fact the time and place to go trigger happy.
But instead, he decided to do something that would not only render Granger speechless, but would also hopefully solve the issue of having an idiot as an instructor.
"You know what Granger? You're right. I shouldn't have resulted to violence. I should have asked myself 'What would Granger do?', and gone straight to an individual who I recognize to have the authority to properly deal with the failure of Lockhart's lesson plan."
Taking advantage of the gobsmacked expression that was currently being sent his way by both Granger and the human pinata that was Longbottom, Harry quickly made his way out of the class.
Already thinking about the various excuses he could use to try and get Blitzo to increase the discount I,M.P. offered to it's employees for a contract.
…..
Annnnd that's it for now.
Hopefully you all enjoyed this chapter, next one, when I get to it, will start moving forward with the main 2nd book plot.
And yes, going with Ginny in Slytherin, Lockhart being the standard 'use other people's fame', and of course Hermione still being disapproving of Harry's temperament. However, her viewpoints for Lockhart have been drastically changed from what it was in the book (i.e. fan girling). Ginny of course will be interesting to write in future due to the slant I will take this.
Have also been questioned about how the Hazbin Hotel series will now influence this story since the show has FINALLY aired. And it was awesome. I believe that I will be able to accommodate what has been written with what is now considered canon. Especially with how we have seen the different views Angels have towards Hell and fate (i.e. either Hell is a threat to Heaven's peace and regretful measures must be taken vs those who believe 'Extermination is entertainment')
Anyways, plz review. No flames
Til next time.