A/N: Yes, yes, I KNOW, I KNOW! I'm Sorry! (As I write this I imagine the way in which Peanut apologizes to Jeff Dunham...)
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Sesshoumaru sat and spoke with Jaken in the garden. He knew the damned imp was dead. He knew it and he didn't fucking care. He was going to tell Jaken everything important before he went. Everything.
Jaken has earned at least that much. Actually, he's earned a lot more, but now...well, this is pretty much all I can do Now.
"Jaken," Sesshoumaru sniffed and shuddered, settling down by a calm little koi pond as Ah-Un lay next to him, and Un put his head on Sesshoumaru's knee while Ah laid his whole neck on the grass, "Jaken, I can never replace you. You were more than just a vassal, more than a retainer or a useful servant. You were my friend. My best friend. For so very long, you were my Only Friend, Jaken. I never got to tell you...how much I actually appreciated your companionship, how your faith in me kept my heart from growing too weary when I got too wrapped up in my own Bullshit..."
Un bugled softly and sadly as Sesshoumaru struggled to keep speaking, but after a pause the dog continued.
"You stood by me when nobody else would. You trusted me with your life, and I neglected to ever even thank you for risking yourself time and again to protect what was my responsibility to watch over. You never wavered in your loyal dedication to me. You were brave. You were true. You took every brutal little hurtful thing I ever did to you and at the end of every day, you were right there by my side, at my back, fierce and fearless when you thought you had to defend my honor or when you felt I was too injured to fight. You were a fool on my behalf, you were a selfless, wise old man for my sake, and you were...you were everything I needed once I lost myself after Father died. You were the only one I could stand to be around when I felt so alone. And without you...Jaken, what do I do now? It isn't the same. I was going to...you were going to be there when Kagura and I got married and be the tiny old Uncle or Grandfather of all our children..."
Oh, and the misery that fresh thought caused, the contortion of his soul into a hundred different directions, the thousands of thoughts that bounced and flared at that stark slap to the face!
Shippou winced as he heard the inhuman howl rise up from the midst of the garden, a guttural woeful note of despair that weighed heavily in the clouds and shadowed every corner of the fox's heart with sadness. And Sesshoumaru's Mother felt the sharp tears pierce through her own facade and streak hotly down her cheeks. No Mother would be heartless as her son's soul screamed thus.
"You see, Kippou? He will try. And it may cost him his own life," Sesshoumaru's Mother said sadly, sighing as a few tears of her own were wiped into her sleeve. "What an ungrateful brat of a son I have."
"You say that as if you mean it, but I feel like I should know better."
"Oh? You would be the first to see it," she blinked at him, then smiled sadly, "well, Sesshoumaru won't always Admit that he usually knows me better, anyways. Most outsiders simply think us cruel to one another."
"I've put up with Inuyasha. I think I got a decent education in the roughness of dog love," Shippou offered.
"Hmm, indeed," she agreed.
"You really think he's taking that much of a risk? It is Sesshoumaru we're talking about here..."
"Tenseiga can only save a dead soul one time because after it has crossed the Veil once before, it begins where it left off. Which is to say, it does not linger near enough to the body for long enough to be saved. However, that's not the only thing to consider when trying to explain the complications of using the Crystal. For every time it is used by one who walks among the Living to visit the Nether...in actuality, Sesshoumaru carried his own soul within that same Crystal while he was traversing the Netherworld for so long. That was how he was able to resist the pull of the darkness for so much longer than any normal youkai. That was how he was able to retain his soul and not be swallowed by the essence of the Netherworld itself. It wasn't just because he weilds Tenseiga, but because Tenseiga bespoke a fondness to the Crystal, which preserved his soul. And when he carried Kagura out, their souls shared the Crystal. However, there are several flaws in this. If the Crystal is stolen, tainted, shattered, or lost...it's not just a failure to bring back the one he wishes to save, but his own soul is at stake as well. Sesshoumaru would likely go regardless of whether he knew this or not, but it's not something that I, as his Mother, want to encourage. Despite how much hurt he is suffering right now...I cannot save my boy from every heartache. Nor do I think I should."
Shippou understood. And she understood. And they both knew he would think of it eventually. But for now, they would leave him to his grief, and when he thought of it, they would say what had to be said, which would fall on deaf ears no matter the importance of it. And they knew that too.
"Honestly, why do we even bother?" Shippou asked her after a minute.
She sighed and shrugged.
"Perhaps this time, we should simply nod and smile, and tell him to be careful in his haste."
Something about that rang a bit of a bell...
Just like she did with Touga, Shippou realized, and he let out a tiny sigh, unsure what to say or think of that.
.
"Jaken," Sesshoumaru wept, "I'm sorry for all the things I did. I kicked you far too often and stepped on you all the time, I threw rocks at you and hit you upside the head, and all you wanted was to be good enough, well you know what Jaken? You were the best. You were always the best. And I was the worst. I was such a bully to you. Such an asshole. Why was I like that, Jaken? Why did I do all those things to you? Jaken, why?"
Ah let out a plaintive whine which ruffled the dog's pant leg.
"Jaken! Dammit, Jaken, why didn't I tell you when you were alive?! What were you thinking?! Jaken...why the FUCK are you Dead?! Jaken...JAKEN!"
Ah-Un joined him in the yowl of heart-wrenching agony, and feeling as if the armor was making this feel so damned impersonal, Sesshoumaru almost furiously undid his sash and began to fling off the metallic plates, trying to hug his friend close to his actual chest, frantic and emotional and not sure what he was doing but doing it anyway.
But as he did so, the Crystal of Souls which he'd tucked between his chest and his armor fell to the ground.
And he stared at it. And he stared some more. And Ah-Un chuffed and stared also.
Sesshoumaru slowly picked up the Crystal and looked down at Jaken.
"Ah-Un," he said, shifting his arm slightly, "hold Jaken for a moment," he laid the imp's body carefully on Ah-Un's back.
Readjusting to put his armor back as it should be, tucking the Crystal back inside it next to his chest, resting his hand for a moment on Tenseiga, Sesshoumaru felt a wave of uncertainty that he pushed aside with a surge of hope.
He hadn't given up on Kagura. He sure as Fuck wasn't giving up on Jaken.
Scooping up the imp off Ah-Un's back again, he almost forgot about Shippou until the dragon snorted derisively.
"Shippou," Sesshoumaru announced as he landed, "not all hope is lost. The Crystal of Souls may yet be able to bring him back, as it did for Kagura."
"Uh, w-well," Shippou frowned, "are you sure-"
"Shippou," Sesshoumaru said fiercely, his eyes set in a hard unmoving gaze, "Jaken is my best friend. My most loyal friend. He would do anything for me. ANYTHING. I've never had to doubt him. Never questioned his loyalty. Never once has he betrayed me. He dedicated his life to me for some reason I've never truly understood, and he's put up with so much more of my shit than anyone else that even my Mother would have a hard time beating his stories of how horrible I've been in the past. Jaken has put up with hell just to be my friend. He's followed me through battles that could have very well left him fricassed into shreds, and protected Rin from dangerous foes just so I could run off and go pick on my brother because I felt like being an asshole. He's lauded and praised me to everyone he meets, and by all rights he should be telling them how unfair and cruel I can be. Jaken deserves this. He would have fought Naraku by himself to try and save me, regardless of the odds, had it come down to it. How can I leave him without ever even trying to go bring him back? How can I let him go...when he never knew what he meant to me? I won't. I can't. It's not right and it's not fair and I won't have it end like this. I'm going after him."
Shippou was surprised, and honestly, a little impressed. It was a speech so heartfelt and brazen that it was worthy of an Epic-running-off-to-die-heroically-Award. He almost conjured up an illusion of a cheering crowd and a trophy but decided against being ultra-tacky.
Just like Inuyasha would, Shippou thought.
He's just like Touga, Sesshoumaru's Mother thought.
"Your mind is certainly made up, then," Shippou said, a little wistful and a little bit more proud.
"Shippou...when I leave, I'll entrust his body to you," Sesshoumaru drew out Tenseiga, then closed his eyes and murmured, "C'mon, Tenseiga, call to our brothers Inuyasha and Tetsusaiga. We'll need the Meidou."
At his heartfelt request, Tenseiga complied, and the few strong pulses were echoed miles away in Tetsusaiga's hilt...
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"Uh-oh," Inuyasha mumbled, and Kagome raised an eyebrow.
"Tetsusaiga?" she blinked as she realized what had caused his reaction, and her expression grew heavy, "oh, no..."
"Yeah, I don't think this could be any good," Inuyasha mumbled, "Tetsusaiga feels...sad."
"Sad?"
"Yeah, sad...as if it's feeling grief. From Tenseiga."
"Oh no...that means..."
"I think Sesshoumaru found Jaken," Inuyasha said darkly, and Kagome read in his tone that he meant it in a bad way.
"Found him dead, you mean," she supplied with a stifled whine. "Oh, poor Jaken..." and her tears began to flow.
"Now now, Tetsusaiga wants me to go see him for a reason, he's probably gonna try the same thing with Jaken that he did with Kagura and needs the Meidou again. This time though, I'll come back here and drag Toutousai to the village so I don't leave you with the kids for weeks on end, alright? I promise," he smiled contritely.
"Mmm, you do! Only, I know some things are more important than others, so don't hurry too much."
"Oh, woman, don't worry. I know he needs a hug," Inuyasha flicked his ears at her, then smiled as he headed out, "I love you, Kagome. Kiss the kids in the morning if I'm not back in time for when they wake up."
"Oh, you won't be, and I will, but you owe me!"
"Okay, I'll do the dusting-"
"The Dishes!"
"The Dishes?"
"Yup."
"Aww, maaan...okay, okay. I love you."
"I hope we're wrong about Jaken."
"I hope so too, but what are the odds?" Inuyasha huffed as he walked outside, and Kagome sniffed a bit more, knowing it herself all too well.
"You're going to see Sesshoumaru, aren't you?" Kagura said, and her anxiousness was hard to miss.
"You were waiting for a signal, weren't you?" Inuyasha asked knowingly, and she answered by plucking the feather out of her hair and gesturing at him with a tilt of her head.
"It'll be faster with my flight. Which way?"
"Tetsusaiga seems to want to go West, so I'm guessing it's Sesshoumaru's territory or his Mother's. We'll know when we get closer, it'll hone in," he agreed, and they took off on her feather without further discussion.
.
Surprisingly, about fifteen minutes after they left, a large cloud formed in front of them, and a familiar voice called from the fog to them.
"Kagura, Inuyasha, fly through the cloud, I've made a portal for you," Sesshoumaru's Mother's voice could be heard.
"Sounds good to me," Inuyasha agreed, and they went through, arriving afloat about twenty yards from the dias, just enough space to make a nice easy landing.
"Oh, shit," was all Inuyasha could think as tears sprang to his eyes, ears flat to his skull as he saw his brother clutching Jaken like a raggedy childhood stuffy, his sleeves soaked with tears, his face worn, his eyes red with not jyaki or youki, but with the strain of having cried until he had no tears left. And then some. His posture was defeated, his shoulders slumped, his chin low-even as he looked up, Inuyasha thought, it was as if he were still hanging his head, just the Feel of him-all of his body language, all of his Being, was crumbling in grief.
"Inuyasha...Kagura..."
They both hugged him. Jaken in his arm and Tenseiga in his other hand nonetheless, Kagura reached her arms around his upper waist, and Inuyasha drew his strong embrace around his brother's chest, around Jaken too, his own sleeve cupping just along the side of Sesshoumaru's arm in a way that was indescribably meaningful.
Sesshoumaru's Mother thought he'd cried before, but now he was a complete and utter wreck. The two people who'd be the next closest to him had just Found him like this. And he'd just seen them, and Jaken in his arms...he lost it.
Shippou walked her over once he realized she was crying and had no idea if her son wanted her sympathy or comfort. Wordless, he gently reached over and cupped her hand in his, then started towards them. She was too shocked to even bother attempting to resist. Ah-Un had already braced himself along his Lord's back, but as they drew near the dragon raised his heads to make room for his Mother, and they all shared the burdens of his grief.
And after about an hour of that, Sesshoumaru, worn as he was, had finally shaken himself out of his stupor long enough to regain some of his senses, and now he felt embarrassed, and wiped away some tears from his face hurriedly as they all took a few steps back and gave him some space after having huddled close for so long.
"Now look, what am I even doing? I never used to...to be so damn Emotional," he huffed, lamely at that.
"Yeah, oh boy, and doesn't it suck to Admit you have Feelings?" Inuyasha sniffed in agreement, "but y'know, most of the time they're a good thing."
"Well not right now," Sesshoumaru muttered, his hollow voice echoing the emptiness of his depleted tears. Then, his eyes drifting over to the hanyou's, he shifted and thumbed Tenseiga, and Inuyasha sensed the question before he had to be asked.
But Inuyasha had a plan of his own.
"Sesshoumaru, how long has it been since you slept or ate?"
"Weeks. Does it matter?" Sesshoumaru frowned, annoyed that Inuyasha would even ask such a thing.
Inuyasha paused.
"Time is different there. You'll need to start strong. A few hours delay won't change how long it takes, but taking the time to rest could be the difference between whether you make it out in one piece or not."
Sesshoumaru snarled. He was mad that Inuyasha was right.
Inuyasha just flicked his ears and tilted his head, a sad look on his face. He knew what Sesshoumaru was mad about.
"Fine," Sesshoumaru grumbled after a few long minutes of fighting off his overwhelming urge to Just Go Already, "but if You want me to eat something, then You go hunt it for me. I don't feel up to it," he huffed, and shuffled off with Jaken again. It was gut-twisting to see how he clung to the imp so closely, and it was also quite revealing. On the surface, somebody would have glancingly said that Sesshoumaru didn't seem especially attached to the toad. But one who actually knew them understood there was a much stronger bond than there first seemed.
However, even Inuyasha in his worst nightmares hadn't conceived that Sesshoumaru would have been this deeply and profoundly affected by Jaken's death.
Oh, big brother...it's like you've been shattered.
"This is much how he was when his Father died," Sesshoumaru's Mother said very quietly just as he thought that, so low that Sesshoumaru was sure not to be paying enough attention to hear her.
Shippou and Inuyasha raised their eyebrows at the observation. That had to mean a lot, coming from his Mother.
And indeed, even as she said it, she herself seemed a mite bit surprised at the fact that it was true. Sesshoumaru had grown so deeply attached to Jaken that he barely knew who he was without the imp around. He couldn't identify a world he'd imagined without the loyal little toad at his heel, admiring what they'd built together.
"Uh, where's the best hunting grounds?" Inuyasha asked abruptly, growing hasty in his anxiety.
"His favorite deer live that way, but they're small, you need two or three to feed all of us," she pointed, and Inuyasha sped off to hunt without another word.
Ah-Un rejoined his Lord in lamenting the imp, being also a close friend himself, and Kagura, feeling that she was needed for what small comfort she could offer, sat on the other side of Sesshoumaru and shared space with him. He was still in his own little world and barely noticed, but the mere presence was slightly helpful in dampening his pain. Shippou, for his part, was a little lost as to what he should do. Sesshoumaru's Mother, seeing that her son was well-tended, tilted her head and looked at the fox.
"You must be a peculiar kitsune, to have been grazed by the Myobu's spirit. And my son trusts you quite a lot. Yet you hesitate, as if you think you're unwelcome."
This was a statement, not a question, but it was vague and open-ended enough that it prompted a reply by tone.
"It just seems to me that he doesn't want to be crowded. Ah-Un knew Jaken just as well as Sesshoumaru did. Kagura is his wife, or fiancee, whatever you wanna say. I don't think he wants a lot of people in his space right now. That's why you always hesitate to go to him, isn't it? He's always distant."
Sesshoumaru's Mother nodded.
"Yes, you are astute. Well then, come along, Kippou. I'll show you to the quarters where you'll be staying while he runs off to face his own doom-will Inuyasha be staying too?"
"Uh, I doubt it, actually. He has kids now y'know."
"Yes, of course I know, they're my great-nephew and great-niece," she huffed, "but I understand. One must be a good father even at the expense of being present to observe your brother's stupidity and cheer it blindly. Oh well. And of course Kagura will stay, and the dragon, Uh-An."
"It's Ah-Un."
"Oh, yes, like Angyo and Ungyo, I keep forgetting," she waved her hand dismissively, but Shippou felt as if this was one of those times where her casual jovial tone was forced, and the strain was ill-hidden beneath the visage of a proper noble hostess. "Now, the Northern Wing is where the library is, but you must stay out of the scrolls in the private room off to the side-they're mostly cursed or far too powerful for the average youkai..."
This is her way of letting her son have space, Shippou realized, and making it less awkward for he himself to leave the taiyoukai to tend his woes.
Inuyasha returned about two hours later with three smallish deer slung over his shoulders, and after Sesshoumaru's Mother had servants whisk away and swiftly prepare the meal, she made them all eat and sleep and refused to let any of them stay awake to patrol for danger, as they were accustomed to.
"There's no need for any of you to guard anyone tonight, you're at my castle. I doubt we'll be attacked here, but there are guards anyways."
So without further ado, the servants silently filed in and guided the guests to their rooms.
Sesshoumaru, though, couldn't bear to spend the night with Kagura as he'd done since she'd been alive. At the door to the chambers they'd shown her to, he hesitated and balked at going in, his chest tightening with indescribable tensions.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled to her, his normally bright fiery golden eyes now dark and dusty, a brownish-amber hue circling his shadowy harrowed gaze, "but I just...need to go to my old room, and be alone. I'm not-"
"Shh, it's okay, I understand, I promise I do," Kagura assured him with a quick kiss on the cheek as she herself turned and walked into the guest room, and he stood there for only a brief pause before going down the hallway to lose himself in the maze of corridors on the way to his old room. The castle was enormous, and he knew every secret passage that led to every other roundabout route to the unchanged adolescent haunt.
Haunt, he thought icily, and the tone inside his mind was like a vicious spit in the face to his own brutal, unforgiving self-hate. He'd even thought that word, a little while ago that felt like a long while ago, as if something was trying to Warn him, or Tell him what had happened, perhaps what was Going to happen, and he'd just...
Ignored it. He'd been so wrapped up in being happy, that he hadn't even Looked for Jaken...
Until it was too late.
Hadn't even Thought of Jaken until it was too late!
Oh, there it was again. The same guilt and shame for the same thoughts and feelings he'd thought and felt already a thousand million times since he'd found Jaken dead. Over and over. Like some tortured dance of endless suffering, he got to tell himself how shitty he really was about a thousand times a minute, remembering everything he'd done wrong to the poor sycophantic admirer. To My Best Fucking Friend, who's Dead now.
When Sesshoumaru finally Did find himself walking into his old room from behind a falsetto hidden by both an elaborately painted wall and a hanging tapestry, he paused, slid the panel back in place, and looked around.
It was familiar, sure. He knew all these things in here, where they came from and when they got here, and yet...
It was like another country. An old, dusty, violent world full of death and ideals of power, full of rage and stupid ideas about fear creating respect. Murals of oppressive massacres where strong warrior youkai cut down weak humans in bloodbaths, calling them "battles" to pretend it was honorable. Trophies of his younger days in the forms of the bits and pieces of his worthiest foes, a mangled tiger's paw with broken fingers, a monkey's head with a face frozen in panic at the moment he'd been beheaded, a dragon's antler from a beast who'd narrowly escaped him. Warrior poetry praising the fine edge of the blade which was made to bathe in blood, etched alongside an artistic painting of a katana piercing a panther woman, her face contorted in a scream of pain, her clothes ripped seductively, her breasts drawn elegantly, her blood and her fear accentuated by the focal thickness and variance of the lines around those areas...
Sesshoumaru grew enraged. He didn't know why. But he was mad. And he was Sick. His stomach roiled at the sight of his past...the sight of who he Used to be. And he swore, and shut his eyes, and with one angry swift motion of his fist he smashed the door of his old room wide open and stormed down the hall, going to the one other place he knew he would find peace.
Creeping into This old room was almost like walking into an abandoned building. It had only been touched by spiders and the overgrown vines that crept in through the unattended crack in the window-clearly, the servants weren't even sent to clean this area anymore.
It had been a place of useless studies, a place where music or art or play had come to life in his very early years, and for some reason this room had never been repurposed. He wasn't sure what it was about this room that still calmed him, nearly barren now with all the toys stuffed away in one box and the art supplies stacked neatly on the corner of the table, but it was still much better than His Old Room. The pictures on these walls were simple and sweet, little haiku-and-mountain drawings or a grazing deer with a sunset backdrop in three colors, bold and yet serene.
Sesshoumaru sighed and raised his sleeve to cover his face, dusting off a spot with Mokomoko-sama and settling his body against the fluff. He would never sleep in that old room looking the way it was. It reeked of the despicable person he'd been not so very long ago...
Exhausted, forlorn, and STILL holding Jaken's body close, Sesshoumaru drifted off to sleep there, his mind in unease as dark feelings crept upon him to turn his dreams into nightmares...
Yet waking up the first time from the nightmare of watching Jaken die, he saw that Jaken was dead in his arms, and he let out a most primal roar and flew blindly, racing down the hall, his heart plunged into the darkest hell he'd felt since he was merely a child. And he Knew he'd gone to sleep with Jaken in his arms, he Knew Jaken had already been dead and that the visions had been just a nightmare...
But his heart couldn't take it. In that moment, his spirit was crushed as it had never been before. Something propelled him, moved his feet and spun him this way and that until he found her, panting, tears streaming down his face...
"Mom," he whispered, and he half-fell, half-flung himself into her arms, Jaken in the crook of one elbow as he finally, finally let himself feel all of it. All of the things he'd been struggling to suppress, he let them go and let his Mother hold him like a little child, like Only a Mother could really do for her son. And she cried with him, and she felt his pain as hers, and she held him all night, long after he'd cried himself to sleep, long after her own tears had dried, and into the early morning as he stirred with the dawning rays of light.
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If you think that's not realistic, I'll reiterate two things for you.
First off, go and read the first story to this series! My traffic stats say nobody's gone to read that one this whole month before they read this one. This is Part Two!
Secondly, if that doesn't help you understand what's gone on that made Sesshoumaru so damn Emotional, let me explain something to you. If you couldn't TELL, after All the things that happened in the series, that Sesshoumaru was Attached to Jaken, you weren't paying attention. I invite you to rewatch it obsessively and watch every time there was even a passing interaction between Sesshoumaru and Jaken, and look at it from the progression of the start to the finish, from the first time Sesshoumaru arrived on scene to the very end of the Final Act and even in the Since Then clipping (which is definitely canon as previously mentioned) and review it yourself.
If the stomping, rock-pelting, head-thwacking displays of 'punishment' and threatening to kill him all the time without ever actually killing him, isn't a gruff sign of affection, you have never watched the manner in which dogs love their toys. If Jaken pondering to himself how stupid a dog might really be and getting a glare for it during the battle with Magatsuhi doesn't prove their deep psychic connection, I'm not sure what does. If trusting Jaken to continue to weild the Nintoujou, to run important errands for him, to handle Ah-Un independently, to protect Rin while he fights dangerous battles, to SNUGGLE INTO HIS MOKOMOKO-SAMA ALL THE TIME, doesn't prove how he truly feels, then you must not understand the many nuances implied therein. That's his Best Fuckin' Friend, ya moron, and if you thought otherwise, you were fooled like Lord Sesshoumaru wanted to fool everyone else. But it was just a clever ploy for you to fail to realize how important, how precious this imp is to him. A vulnerability that he dared not expose to the rest of the world, a weakness he could not admit in public. For the longest time, not even to Jaken himself. Because Jaken, of course, found it as impossible to keep a secret as a damn Woman. However, right now Sesshoumaru is feeling awful guilty for having fallen into the habit of acting just as callous when none were watching, as he would be in the presence of an enemy watching, so, there you have it, he's confessing his sins to a dead friend and crying to his Mommy-
Don't Hate Me for it! *Catches Glares from Sesshoumaru* You're a Grown Man Now and Grown Men aren't Afraid to show their Feelings! At least not to their Mother!
"If that's the case, then I shall not be afraid to tell you just how much I Hate you right now..."
Er...hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn't try to converse with imaginary-
"What did you just call me?"
Uhm, I just called MYSELF, Crazy. And on that note, we're going to move along to the next chapter now...
"Hn," and having gotten the last 'word' so to speak, Sesshoumaru deigned not to take too much offense to the fanfiction author's detestable descriptions. After all, it was better than feeling like a pervert for knowing so many of all the Other Ideas that Some Fanfiction Authors came up with over the years...