Washington DC, Winter 2010….
One Fine Saturday morning….Gibbs House…
Gibbs Pov…
Once I feel like I have got myself back together I start reading again even though the pain only seems to increase the further I read.……
After days of agony and hesitation bringing up the little courage I had in me I finally made it to Stillwater. You wouldn't believe I had a whole speech prepared to say to you as soon as I met you, Gibbs. Now when I think about it I can't help but laugh. Laugh at fate!! When I got to Stillwater, it had something very different in store for me. For us… Little did I know at that time that there was never going to be an 'Us' after that trip.
I remembered you saying that your dad owned the general Store there and so I guessed that would be where you could be. But Imagine my surprise and shock when I reached the store and found the whole place in a full blown wedding mood and not only that you were already engaged to someone else but that the marriage was going to be held that day in just a few hours.
After roaming around that place for hours not knowing what to do, I somehow made it to the place where you were gonna get married. That is when I saw you, Gibbs and I also saw the woman you were gonna marry. Your future wife. I saw everything. I stood there and saw you standing in the altar. I saw the utter joy and contentment and happiness on your face.
All those years I have known you, I have never seen you as happy as I saw you on that day. And for the love of me I couldn't possibly walk in there, in front of all of those people, as a 6 months pregnant woman and say that you are the father of my child. No matter how bad I wanted to! No matter how I felt my own heart break into pieces and melt down right in front of my eyes watching you marry another woman. I couldn't come forward… I couldn't just come back into your life again and break you all over once again. God only knew I had already done enough of breaking your heart. So
I just couldn't do that to you Jethro. No… I simply couldn't turn your life upside down like that. No matter how much I wanted to...No matter how much my own heart was breaking…
And it's not like I had anyone else to blame. It was all my fault. I had you and I walked away from you. I broke your heart and I broke us. I can't blame you for moving forward… Finding your happiness…. Finding love again…. And the truth is you deserved that. You deserved to be happy..
Although I'll admit that seeing you with another woman was painful but at the same time I could see it in your eyes that you were happy with her and that you loved her and that she loved you back dearly. That was all that mattered for me. Knowing that you'll be infinite times happier with someone else than you'll ever be with me. That another woman could give you the love and happiness I could never give you. Because if anyone deserved it, it was you. You deserved someone who would love you and cherish you and adore you. Not someone who walked away from you selfishly. You deserved nothing less than that and I knew it in my heart that she would give it all to you. I saw it in her eyes Gibbs. By the way she looked at you. She was the one that was meant to be. Not me… Not us… Over the years I have made my peace with that…
But trust me when I say walking away from Stillwater on that day was infinitely more hard than walking away from you all those months ago..
I need to take a break or else I feel like my whole heart is gonna explode. Her each and every word seems to pierce me like a dagger. The fact that she was there, she was right there in stillwater and I had no idea?? I had no idea…. Marrying Shannon was one of the best things that ever happened to me. She will always have a place in my heart. The life I had with her…Kelly…The years even short I had with them were the best moments of my life… I can't imagine myself without them… Without Shannon…
But for that I had to lose Jack and our daughter?? Jack walked away from my life so I could have Shannon in my life??? To have one daughter in my life, I had inadvertently lost another daughter?? How could Jack do that?? What was she even thinking??? How could she?? Watching me marry another woman? I cannot imagine what that must have felt like…..
Hey, Cowboy.. Don't feel sorry for me. I was alright, Gibbs. Trust me… In Fact in a way you took care of me too ... Well, I had a part of you growing inside me didn't I? I knew I'll always have you with me in the form of our child. So, I walked away from there, from your life once again but this time for good.
I will not say it was easy. God…It was the hardest thing I ever did.. Our child changed my whole life.. Tilted it to a completely different axis. But becoming a mother was the best thing that ever happened to me, Gibbs. Our daughter brought so much happiness and light and love to my life, I would never regret what I did, Gibbs. You might be angry with me, hate me… But you should understand one thing Jethro, that this decision was the best thing for both of our lives. Or that's what I believe…
So I left stillwater, I then left the army, even left this state and moved miles away to Hawaii from everything, where I knew my past life could never catch up to and started a completely whole new life with our daughter, I made a home here for the both of us and have been raising her with all the love and affection I got in me for the past 24 years….
But the thought of what I did.. Hiding her from you has always eaten at me…. And now by writing this letter I think I may have done you more harm than good. I have no idea what a truth like this is gonna do to your family, Gibbs. I cannot imagine… But believe me when I say bringing any complications or any problems to your life or to your family was never my intention. But I had no choice. At the event of my death I did not want our daughter to live all alone without anyone by her side. I know what losing your parents, especially your mom, can do to you.. I have lived it.. And surviving such a loss alone is impossible. And I did not want Liv to go through that kind of loss alone.
Just the thought of her living without anyone… without anyone to protect her.. watch over her…. made me overcome all the fears I had for nearly 25 years…I had to make arrangements in case something happened to me. I wanted her to have her dad with her when I'm not able to be with her. I don't ever want her to be alone… I want her to be with you…. I want her to have you…
But that is entirely up to you Gibbs. I cannot possibly ask you to do that, not after everything I did. And I know that. Whether you decide to do that or not is entirely up to you. Obviously, with your own family, your wife and your own children whatever you decide I'll definitely accept that. I cannot imagine all the possible problems this letter can create in your family and if you decide to just shred this entire letter, I won't blame you, Gibbs.
I blow out a huge painful breath and compose myself for the hundredth time. The more I read the letter the more bizarre and strange the truth feels. They say that truth is stranger than fiction and I'm experiencing it right now.
Jack never knew what happened to my family?? And all these years she raised our daughter all by herself thinking that I was living a happy life with my own family??
The pain I'm feeling right now feels infinite times more than the pain I felt when Jack walked away from my life or when I lost Shannon and Kelly all those years ago. Even though I'm feeling a whole whirlwind of emotions I know within every molecule of me that Jack meant well with everything she did. She did it only with a pure intention. She did it because she loved.. She really believed she had no other choice. And I can see that now…
But at what cost?? I lived all these years all alone mourning one family, while on the other hand I had another family I never knew about?? I have no one to blame for this fate and yet somehow the more I read the letter the more angry I get at this world. In this life… At everything that led me to this point…All these lost years… All this pain and suffering and heartache??? Why??
Once again after calming my racing heart a bit with a glass of water, I continue. The next part of the letter is all about how much she is sorry for what she did. And how much she hopes that this shouldn't ruin my family or create any problems.
'How can it create any problems with my family when I don't even have one, Jack??Ahh….Jack…You shouldn't have hid any of this from me to begin with…
The letter then goes on about how many times she thought of tracking me down and reaching out to me and telling me the entire truth for so many years. But she never had the courage to do so and with her apologising and asking me to forgive her throughout the letter…..
But no matter what, I know for a fact that the man I knew would want to know all about his daughter. There have been so many times when I wondered what would have happened if I had told you... How our lives would have changed… But the one thing I never wondered was whether you'd have accepted our daughter or not. I know you so much better than that to question that. I know with all my heart that if you had known, you would have done anything in your power to be in her life…You would have moved mountains to be with your daughter. I never once doubted that, Gibbs.
If you knew this, then why did you keep this from me Jack?? Why?? Just one word…One word and all our lives could have been completely different…
I shut my eyes and shed the tears which have made their way out even without my knowledge. I haven't felt my own heart break like this in years like it is doing right now….
Imagining the possible pain and heartache she must have endured all these years?? Imagining everything she must have gone through while raising a daughter all by herself… Just the thought of her pain seems to mask away all my pain. But the really difficult part of the letter was when she started talking about our daughter… My daughter… .
So with all that being said, I think it's about time if I tell you about our daughter, don't you think?? I don't think that'll make up for all these years but maybe knowing about her might give you some semblance of peace??
So her name is Olivia Ann Sloane.
Olivia… Olivia… I repeat the name again and again in my head like a prayer while trying to mentally picture her. Olivia….Ann… Wait Ann??
Yeah… I know. I felt like she should have a part of you at least in her name. From the way you always talked about your mom, I thought it was only fair that your daughter should have a part of your mom in her. And hence the name…
She is a 3rd year criminal psychology major… Doing her master's degree in France right now… And she is really good at what she does, cowboy. Just like you. From the moment she was born you have no idea how many times she reminded me of you, Gibbs. It was almost impossible for me to look at her and not see you in front of my eyes as she grew up. She has your smile, your ocean blue eyes, your courage, your compassion to stand up for others and help people in need and your hardworking nature and your temper and attitude and very little patience for unimportant things just like her Mr. Impatient dad. She even has perfectly your famous 'Gibbs stare'. The similarities are uncanny… I'm telling you…
Yeah, you heard me. She is literally a spitting image of her dad. I see you in our daughter each and every single day, Gibbs. But at the same time the pain of knowing I'd never get to see the two of you together cut through me like a dagger each and every single day too. It was my own fault that you both did not get to be with each other. It's my fault that our daughter never knew her dad or felt his love and you never knew your daughter. There hasn't been one single moment where I didn't regret this… I really am Sorry, Gibbs… If there was any other way...
The letter then keeps on going, as Jack describes each and every thing about our daughter. The more I read about her, the more I'm tempted to run out the door and not stop until I find her right this moment. The urge to see her, hug her, to just hold her in my arms and never let go, to listen to her voice, to get to know each and every little thing about her… And the dying sensation I have in me to tell her that I'm her dad.
This feeling I have right now, it's just unexplainable to say the least. I know when I felt this same overwhelming feeling inside me for the first time. It was the moment when Kelly was born. And every single time I held her in my arms. But that feeling, that overwhelming sense died along with Kelly and after that, after all these years I never thought I'd ever feel that extreme sense of unconditional love and affection and overwhelming sense of fear and uncontrollable excitement ever again in my life. Until this moment…..
God… I need to see her… See her with my own eyes… Immediately…
The moment I finish reading the letter I know exactly what I have to do….
( ...…..To be Continued…...)
Author's Note:
Hey all! You made it. I wasn't planning on posting this so soon. But then I finished it so why not? I hope you all like this chapter and enjoyed reading it. I hope this one cleared all the doubts and set up the plot.
When I started this story where Jack hid his daughter from Gibbs, I also felt I needed to do justice to why Jack did something like that. She is not someone who would have hid something that big from Gibbs without a very good reason and I wanted that to be strong. Also for this story's plot I had to kill Jack. Her death is what kick starts this story... And I know many would not have expected that. But trust me she'll play a very big part in this whole story...
So with that, I will try to post the next one soon. I would love to hear your thoughts about the chapter. Pls tell me all about it in the comments. And also leaving a kudos won't hurt. Thank you so much for reading!
-With love K!