Regret, dread, hate.
How did we forfeit one powerful, four-letter word for another? Our bond is not broken, but we are. The thought of having to spend the next five months in this castle together made my heart ache.
I should have known better than to put my faith and trust in a man as cold and cunning as Severus Snape. After all his years as a spy, he knows nothing but lies and deceit. He lured me into his trap, and I came willingly under the illusion that he felt the same.
I ran all the way from the seventh floor to the dungeons. I couldn't bear to walk through the secret passage, knowing that it reminded me of him. As soon as I burst through the door to my room, I stripped out of my dress and tossed it into the fire, along with my G-string. Severus had not returned to his room or his office yet, and I praised Merlin for the silence.
I knelt completely naked as I watched the fabric burn and the thick smoke billow out at the invasion. My tears have long since dried, and I feel numb. I cannot feel the ground beneath my knees, nor the sting of my puffy eyes, nor the ache in my chest. Severus has used me for all that I am worth, and I am left with nothing but the memory of his deceiving eyes.
As I climbed to my feet, I noticed the cherry blossom he had gifted me this morning sitting on the coffee table. I clenched my jaw and picked it up, turning back to the fire. The need to burn all evidence of him from my life was too overwhelming. As I held it over the flames, the snake turned its tiny head towards me, blinking softly.
I glared down at it and huffed. "You think you can look at me like that after all you've done?" It blinked again. "I trusted you." Another blink. My lip began to quiver once more. "You have taken everything from me." The snake shook its tiny head and turned back to face the petals.
It was then that I noticed the sting on my fingers and the smell of burnt flesh. I ripped my hands away from the flames and dropped back down to my knees, the cherry blossom jostling violently as it crashed down with me. The backs of my hands were covered in red and swollen welts, and I grimaced.
The pain was a welcome intrusion into the numbness. For a moment, I sat there, staring at the welts as they grew angrier. With each passing second, the pain intensified, and I let it. As my hands shook with the shock of blinding pain, my tears began to fall once more.
I wondered if Severus could feel the pain, too. He hadn't been able to breathe when I nearly drowned in my bathtub, so he would surely feel this. The thought that he would be as physically hurt as I am now made me feel slightly better. I am not one for violence, but it isn't as though I did it on purpose.
I stood up, levitated my loveseat in front of my window, and collapsed down onto it. As I stared out into Black Lake, I saw my mind slip into its depths. Light pinks, greens, and blues began to fade into different hues of grey. The petals on my mental cherry blossoms began to wilt and fall from the branches.
A shiver down my spine broke me out of my haze. Severus has entered his office, and he is panicking. I knew he wouldn't try to come to me this time, but the anxiety that he might made me squirm. I could practically see him standing in front of his fireplace, itching to step through.
I glanced over my shoulder when I heard the fireplace crackle and hiss, and a vial shot out of it and landed beside me. A healing potion. I turned it over in my hand, contemplating whether or not to drink it. The pain from my burns still radiated through my body, and it was enough to make me feel nauseous.
I would not let him help me this time, though. He has lost the right to extend an olive branch, however feeble it might be. I walked over to my fireplace, grabbed a handful of floo powder with a grimace, and tossed it in along with the vial.
I didn't have the chance to turn around before the fire erupted again, only this time Severus stepped out. I glanced at his hand holding the vial and let out a soft, breathy snort. It was as red and swollen as mine. "Drink it," he seethed, thrusting the vial into my hand, and we both winced at the contact.
"Get out," I ordered, pushing the vial back into his chest. He stood defiantly, not attempting to take it back from me. As I glared up at him, I felt my mind slip further into the grey. The grass had long since dried up, and the cherry blossoms were bare. All that remained were my locked gates and my large drawers sitting in the distance behind a row of dead shrubs.
I took a small step back and tossed the vial into the fire, relishing in the sound of the glass shattering against the stone. "Foolish girl," he fumed, stepping towards me and grasping my arms. It was the moment that his skin touched mine that I realised I was still completely naked. I pressed my hands hard against his chest and shoved him away from me.
"You're right," I huffed as I strode towards my wardrobe, "I am foolish." I grabbed an oversized t-shirt and pulled it over my head before turning back to him. "I am the fool for thinking that maybe you respected me more than to fuck me and leave me." His fists clenched, and he took a step towards me. "I told you that it was not –"
I held up my hand from across the room, halting his movements. "Get out," I demanded again through gritted teeth. "I will not ask you again, Professor." A pain worse than the burn seared through his body, and his shoulders slumped slightly before squaring again.
As he turned back towards the fire, he looked down at the mini cherry blossom toppled over on the floor. A wave of shame flowed through him as he leant down to pick it up. "I told you that it would neither whither nor die. Burning it would not have worked." His voice was as methodical as it is in class, but it was laced with regret.
He placed the pot gently on my coffee table and disappeared into the flames without another glance my way. The second the flames dwindled, I collapsed onto my bed and let my tears fall, breaking into a sob.
How am I supposed to go about my days with this agonising pain in my chest? It is a pain worse than any physical blow. I would gladly choose any of the three Unforgiveable Curses over the ache that is tearing through my veins.
I tossed, turned, and thrashed beneath my sheets as I attempted to sleep. I knew it was no use, though. Sleep would not come to me tonight, and I doubt it ever will again. My first heartbreak is threatening to rip me apart at the seams, and I feel fractured.
With him, I felt whole. Whether that was another manipulation of the bond or not, it felt real. I know for a fact that he felt the same way, too. There is simply no other way to explain the look in his eyes when they are absorbing mine, the tenderness of his hands as they travelled the length of my body, and the sincerity with which his words slipped from those stubbornly beautiful lips.
A familiar paradox hung heavy in the air around me: he has caused me an unbearable amount of pain and heartache, and yet, despite the hollowness of my core, I cannot fathom a world in which he is not beside me.
My overworked mind travelled back to the image that flashed across my eyes when the magic burst through us. I brought the scene to the forefront of my mind and dove in, attempting to examine every second.
I was standing in a filthy, rickety old shack. Though I have not ventured into this part of Hogsmeade, I believe this to be the Shrieking Shack. A dark figure stood in the corner, not moving. I could not make out their features, but a vicious, sinister darkness clouded the air around them.
A giant snake slithered past my feet, and I gasped. Though I do not suffer from ophidiophobia, there is something about the way in which this snake is moving that sets my teeth on edge. It is as though it is moving by command, a ruthless determination vibrating through its scales.
I tracked its precise movements as it glided around my feet. My heart pounded in my chest, and my stomach lurched as I saw Severus slumped over in the corner. His eyes were filled with terror and guilt. I cried out soundlessly as the snake lunged towards him.
My body was sticky with sweat as the scene came to an end. Once again, this bond has left me clueless and terrified. Is this scene real? And if so, when is it due to happen? My lip quivered once more, knowing that these are the questions I would have asked Severus had he not discarded me like a worn-out quill. He told me that he did not see anything, but I know he was lying. Did he see his own death, too? Is that why he threw me out?
As night slipped into morning, the pain in my hands had not subsided. The welts had grown double in size, bubbling over every knuckle and blistering over the backs of my hands. I winced both at the pain in my hands and the ache in my body as I climbed out of bed.
The dull ache in my core was another harrowing reminder that I have seemingly lost the man who is responsible for the ache in the first place. My first time was unimaginably beautiful and utterly perfect. As quickly as those feelings emerged, though, they were ripped from my grasp. Severus should have pulled me into his arms as we fell asleep to the sound of each other's heartbeats. But instead, he pushed me away.
Again.
It wasn't until I walked into my bathroom and looked at my reflection that I realised I was crying again. I wondered if I had ever stopped, and judging by the puffiness of my eyes and the dried snot around my nose, I suspect I hadn't.
I strained to listen for Severus' mind nearby. I could feel him in my mind, like he was sitting right behind me, but my body felt more distant from him. I would normally feel a wave of heat or a chill down my spine when he was near. If he was in his chambers when I was in mine, it felt as though he were physically next to me. Now, however, that chill was merely in the back of my mind. It was a peculiar feeling. Different than it has been. Stronger. More resilient.
Even though I could still feel his mind, I could tell Severus wasn't physically close, so I can assume he is already in his classroom. I rather doubt he would go to breakfast with blisters on his hands and no excuse for them. However, as much as I relish the opportunity to torture him, the pain is rather overwhelming. I know that I will not be able to get through the day with my hands in their current condition.
For one, it would be far too painful to hold a quill, let alone my wand. And secondly, it is not an injury I would be able to hide. With a huff of defeat, I quickly dressed, cast a glamour on my puffy face, and began my ascent to the hospital wing.
"Madam Pomfrey?" My meek voice echoed in the empty infirmary. I knew she was in her office, as I could hear her complain softly in her mind about the lack of peace that her job offers. I smiled softly, knowing full well that she loves her job and the people she helps.
"Good morning, Hazel. Are you alright?" She asked, brushing her hands down her apron and straightening herself up. "I apologise for coming in so early. I hope I didn't catch you on your way to breakfast." My voice betrayed me as I stood in front of her. Though I spoke in barely a whisper, my voice shook as my chin quivered.
She took a step towards me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Oh, my dear, don't fret. Breakfast is not for another thirty minutes, so we both still have time." She ushered me to a nearby bed and sat down next to me. "What has happened?" She gasped as she saw my hands.
"I got too close to the fire last night." I swallowed the lump in my throat and attempted to keep my voice as neutral as possible. "Last night!" She bellowed. "Hazel, you should have come to me right away!" She hopped up and hurried to a cart sitting outside her office. "Foolish girl," she added. I winced at the familiar jab.
"Hold out your hands, dear." She placed a pillow on my lap so I could rest them on it. "This will only sting for a moment." She smiled with sad eyes. She couldn't fathom why anyone would willingly prolong such a severe injury by not coming to her sooner.
She held up a vial with a dropper, and as the healing potion dripped onto my wounded hands, I hissed and whimpered. Just as she said, the pain didn't last long. In a few short moments, my hands began to heal. The blisters faded away, and my hands were left only slightly red and wrinkled.
"The redness will go down in the next twenty-four hours." She hurried back to the cart and returned with a pain-easing potion, holding it out for me. "Drink this." I was no longer in pain, but I did not argue.
"Your dormitory is right next to Professor Snape's office, Hazel. You should have at least gone to him for a healing potion," she sighed in exasperation. "That is what he is there for." Hearing his name sent a painful shiver down my spine, and I turned away from her so she wouldn't see the tears pool in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away before she could notice, and she sighed again.
"Why did you not seek medical attention last night, dear?" She asked. I felt the worry for my safety seep through her skin as she sat down next to me again. "It didn't hurt until this morning." I kept my eyes on my reddened hands that still rested on the pillow, gripping it lightly. She examined me for a moment before resting her hand on my forearm. "Do I need to be concerned? I will talk to Professor Snape myself if you feel more comfortable."
"No!" I shot up off the bed and took several steps away from her, and her eyes bulged. "Sorry, Poppy. I am fine now; thank you for helping me." I forced a smile. "I will come to you sooner next time, I promise." I nodded politely and hurried out of the hospital wing before she had the chance to protest.
I skipped breakfast, not wanting to risk the possibility that Severus might have shown up after all. Each class passed by in a haze, and each got progressively worse. I had Potions for first period, and we were brewing Wolfsbane potion. My cauldron nearly blew up as I chopped the Black Quicksilver instead of pulverising it and stirred clockwise 11 times instead of anticlockwise 14 times.
A double period of Transfiguration was next. We were revising how to conjure birds and other larger animals. I accidentally conjured a swarm of hornets that terrorised everyone in the classroom, including Professor McGonagall, except for myself. Several students had to leave the class early to pay a visit to Madam Pomfrey.
The third period was double Charms. We practiced several spells that we will be required to demonstrate in our N.E.W.T.'s, one of which is ascendio. I flourished my wand a little too aggressively, and instead of lifting myself into the air, as the charm was supposed to do, everyone else was shot into the air. Most of the students had to hold onto the beams that lined the ceiling lest they risk a ten-foot drop.
Suffice to say, my day was tragically embarrassing. My teachers expressed their concerns in their minds; however, I was relieved when none of them chose to confront me on the matter. My final period is D.A.D.A., and I could feel the bile rising up in my throat at the thought of being in the same room as Severus.
I approached the classroom, straining to feel the familiar chill in his nearing physical presence. However, I was met by my classmates walking away. "Class has been cancelled, Hazel. The dungeon bat isn't here." I heard a voice in the distance call out, though I wasn't sure who it was. I could hear nothing but my heart hammering in my chest.
Class is cancelled. Complete two feet of parchment on the nonverbal Patronus Charm by Monday.
SS
Panic set in as I read and reread the notice pinned to the classroom door. He's gone. Memories of the last time we were physically apart came flooding back, and I could feel my throat closing up already. No matter how much hatred he has for me, I know he would not intentionally put me in danger. I ran back to my dormitory in hopes I would feel him in his office or his chambers. I could feel his mind, but I knew he was not in there.
I quickly changed into track pants and a jumper, clothes more appropriate for running in, and began my search for him through the castle. I didn't want to see him, but I would search until I saw him. It felt as though he was nearby, but far away. His mind was with me, but he was not. I ran the length of each floor, beginning with the dungeons. By the time I got to the fifth floor, my lungs and legs were aching, begging for me to rest.
I slumped down against a column and slid to the floor. What if my vision is going to come true now and I am not there to save him? With our bond still intact, would I die, too? Tears pooled in my eyes instantly, and I forced the thought to the back of my dull mind.
I raked my fingers through my sweaty and messy hair, weighing up my options. I could go straight to Albus and demand that he tell me where Severus has gone. Albus would likely give me a vague response and ask me too many questions that I do not have the mental capacity to answer.
As I continued to catch my breath, I felt the urge to call out into the ether, if only to see if he would respond. If he were close enough that I could feel his mind, he would surely hear me. I don't think I have it in me to hear him, though. Hear the voice that betrayed me. I could continue my search through the castle, which would likely lead to a hunt through the expansive grounds. However, seeing as I have yet to catch my breath, I don't think my body would make it through another flight of stairs.
And just like that, someone cast lumos in my brain. I stood up far too quickly, causing my head to spin, and hurried down the stairs two at a time. When I landed on the third floor and stood in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, I slumped my shoulders. I don't know the password. In a moment like this, I wish that being Head Girl came with a few more perks.
I stood in front of the portrait and closed my eyes, focusing on the minds within the common room. Several familiar voices rang out: Priscilla Winter from my D.A.D.A. class, Neville Longbottom, and Seamus Finnigan, whom I was likened to today by Professor Slughorn.
I knew I was close when I heard Hermione's voice thrumming through her Ancient Runes homework. Next was Ron, whose mind was consumed by whether or not he actually liked Lavender Brown. And finally, I heard Harry. I recognised the ingredients in the Draught of Living Death potion and laughed softly at the thought of Harry actually studying.
"Harry, can you hear me?" I called out. It was a desperate attempt to call out to someone who is not a Legilimens through several thick, stone walls. I waited several long moments until I heard his voice ring in my mind. "Blimey, Hazel. You scared the daylights out of me."
"Sorry, Harry. I need a favour; can we talk in your room?" I waited again, chewing nervously on my bottom lip. The portrait opened slowly, and Harry poked his head out. "What's wrong?" He asked, eyes peeking down both ends of the hallway.
"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to check in on you," I hummed cheerfully for the ears of the portraits surrounding us. "I need to look at your map for a moment," I added. His eye twitched slightly before he forced a smile. "Oh, sure. Come in." He pushed the door open, and I followed in after him.
"Hi, Hazel! Lovely to see you. What are you doing in here?" Hermione beamed at me from where she sat in front of the fire, her Ancient Runes textbooks littering the space around her. "You too, Hermione. I have just come to have a chat with Harry," I said calmly, raising my eyebrows the barest amount so she would understand.
Worry began to eat away at her, and I smiled softly. "Don't worry; everything is fine." She sucked in a quick breath at the foreign intrusion into her mind. If I wasn't so on edge, I would have laughed at what it must look like for Harry to be ushering me, a Slytherin, up the stairs towards his dormitory. As soon as he shut the door, I waved my hand, silencing the room with muffliato. "What's wrong? Have you heard anything from The Order?" His voice was hushed and frantic.
"Nothing is wrong, Harry. I'm sorry for barging in like this." I smiled and sat down on the end of his bed. "I just need to find…" I paused for a moment, realising that it would be far too suspicious to be on the hunt for Severus. "Albus. I need to find Albus." I ran my hands down my pants in an attempt to stop them from shaking. Adrenaline was still coursing through my veins.
"Did you check his office?" He asked, frowning slightly.
"That was the first place I checked. He wasn't there." I forced a smile as I eagerly waited for him to pull out his map. "Strange. He is usually in there at this time," he mused as he walked to his trunk, rifled through to the bottom, and pulled out the familiar tattered stack of parchment.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." He tapped his wand on the centre of the map and handed it to me. I took it from him as nonchalantly as possible and began to rake my eyes over each set of tiny footprints. I flipped the pages, frantically searching through every floor and every inch of the grounds. Nothing. There are only two reasons why he would not show up: he is in the Room of Requirement, or he has left the school grounds.
"Did you find him?" Harry asked as I folded the map and handed it back to him.
"Oh, yes. He is in his office now. I must have just missed him." I waved my hand, dropping the silencing charm as he tucked the map deep down within his trunk.
"Are you sure everything is alright, Hazel? You look quite…" He let his statement fade out as he looked me up and down.
I could only imagine what I looked like. Having just run almost the full length of the castle, I must be a sweaty, ragged mess. "Everything is fine, Harry. I promise," I laughed softly and squeezed his shoulder. "Thank you. I will see you soon, alright?"
I muttered a quick goodbye to Hermione and Ron as I hurried out of the common room, ignoring the glares and mental cursing of the other Gryffindors at a Slytherin being in their midst. I ran as fast as I could, my weak body only carrying me so fast, up to the seventh floor.
My heart was pounding in my chest, both from the extensive workout and the overwhelming anxiety, as I stood in front of the concealed room. I waited for a moment, ensuring I was alone, before pacing back and forth, calling Severus' name in my mind, and praying the room would reveal him and ease my panic.
My heart skipped a beat when the wall began to crumble away, and the familiar large double doors appeared. Holding my breath, I burst through the doors. My heart stopped entirely this time. The room was just as it was last night – an almost complete replica of my room.
I scanned the space, searching for him. Nothing. He wasn't here. The only sound that could be heard was the crackling fire. The memory of last night was agonising. I couldn't bear to look at this room for a moment longer, so I backed out slowly, shut the doors, and watched through teary eyes as they faded from view once again.
"Good evening, Hazel." I let out a loud yelp and clutched my chest.
"Merlin, Albus. Must you always sneak up on people?" I panted. He chuckled and motioned for me to follow him. "Your teachers were quite concerned about you today," he hummed casually, as if commenting on the weather.
"Yes, well, you have Severus, the asshole, Snape to thank for that." I rolled my eyes.
"I see you have been on quite the mission to find him, though." He kept his eyes ahead of him and his hands clasped behind his back.
"Where is he?" I asked, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall again.
"He was called away. He will be back on Sunday evening."
I stumbled slightly at his words and stopped walking. "The selfish bastard. He knows that we could die if we were apart!" I ran my fingers through my hair and began pacing in front of him. It couldn't be right. I could still feel him. He has to be here somewhere.
He watched me with those infuriatingly knowing eyes, and I huffed in exasperation. "I can't do this anymore, Albus." I didn't look at him as I continued to pace. "I won't do this anymore. He is the worst kind of man: dishonest and disloyal. You told me to be patient, and so I waited. And look where it got me! Running around this damned castle chasing after a ghost!" Tears were streaming down my face faster than I could wipe them away.
"If there are two things that Severus is not, it is dishonest and disloyal." I let out a sarcastic, breathy laugh and shook my head in disbelief at his words. He stood unnervingly still as he watched me fidget with my hands, crossing and uncrossing my arms, walking and stopping.
"You mustn't panic, Hazel." I rolled my eyes with another huff. "I believe, given recent events, you will both be just fine. It appears some distance might also do you both some good."
Recent events? Surely he doesn't know what happened last night. Regardless, his calmness is maddening. "If by "just fine", you mean that one or both of us will be dead, then I wholly agree, sir."
I clenched my jaw when he simply smiled and nodded. "It is quite late; you have been running around the castle for quite some time. I also believe there is a secret party awaiting your return." I groaned and rubbed my hands down my face. I had completely forgotten that Tas was going to throw me a birthday party.
"You may floo to your room from my office if you wish not to be seen." He smiled as he turned down the hall towards his office. I stood for a moment, gaping at him, before hurrying after him with a soft laugh. He is as frustrating as he is incredibly useful.
As I stepped through Albus' fireplace and into my room, I was met with a pounding at my door. "Hazel Goldstein, I know you're in there! You better come out right now, or so help me, Merlin, I will bombarda this door down!" Tas is furious, and I imagine she would certainly attempt to blast a hole through my door.
I contemplated ignoring her, but I knew it would do me no good; she would not leave. I knew that I still looked dreadful. My eyes were so puffy that it was almost difficult to see, and I could feel the dried snot around my nose. I climbed into bed, waved my hand, and braced myself for the cyclone about to tear through my room.
"Oh, so you are alive!" She screeched, searching the room for me. When her eyes landed on me, she huffed, letting her anger fizzle out into disappointment. "What's wrong?" She slumped over to me and sat down beside my legs. "I'm sick, Tas. I just want to sleep," I croaked out. Though I was lying about being unwell, I really do feel terrible. I have had a throbbing headache since last night, I have just run a marathon, and I have not slept.
She studied me for a moment, leaning over and feeling my forehead, before sighing in defeat. "You're lucky I love you, because I really quite hate you at the moment," she pouted. "I love you, too," I laughed softly. "Go – have fun. I can hear you all from here, so it will be like I am there, but from the comfort of my bed."
She rolled her eyes, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and headed for the door. "Have a shot for me," I called out. She winked and slipped out, shutting the door softly behind her. I sighed heavily as I stared up at the ceiling. The memory of the night Severus helped me through my panic attack flashed through my mind. Even my ceiling reminds me of him and how it once twinkled with the night sky.
The anxiety of what the next two days would hold was pulsing through my mind. How far away is Severus, and how long will it take for my body to succumb to the numbness this time? The tug at the outskirts of my mind proves that I can still feel him, but how is that possible? Should I give in and attempt to call out to him? I groaned at the thought, rolled over, and pulled a Calming and Sleeping Draught out of my bedside drawer.
I woke up on Saturday and assessed the functionality of my limbs. There was no tingling or numbness. There was only the dull ache in my muscles from climbing seven flights of stairs last night. Though I could not see the sky from my room, I knew I had slept through the morning.
Casting tempus, I confirmed that it was in fact almost one o'clock in the afternoon. I did not get the chance to hear how late the party ended, but I imagine everyone who attended would still be asleep, too.
I clutched my stomach as it growled angrily at me. The last thing I ate was the spaghetti that Severus cooked for us on Thursday, and I could feel myself tearing up again. I groaned loudly, angry that even something as small as hunger reminded me of him.
With shaky arms, I sat myself up. "Winky!" I called out, frowning lightly when she did not appear right away. Though I know the elves are likely busy preparing lunch for the rest of the school, Winky usually comes as soon as I call her.
I jumped slightly when I heard a pop, and I turned to see another house elf standing on the end of my bed. She was quite a bit smaller than the regular elf, but her ears were larger than Dobby's. Her equally large, golden eyes shone brightly, even in my dimly lit room. Her tiny body was wrapped in a cream pillowcase that appeared to have been cut nearly in half to ensure it didn't drag on the floor.
"I am Pip, Miss. Winky could not come. Winky is working hard with Dobby, Miss." My mouth fell agape. Severus' lifelong house elf is standing on the end of my bed. I fought the urge not to glare at her. After all, it is not her fault that her master is an asshole.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Pip," I smiled. When I held out my hand for her to shake, she jumped with glee, her petite body weight not causing even the slightest ripple on my bed. She grasped my hand as she continued to bounce up and down. "Master Severus said Miss Hazel was a nice girl!"
My heart sank. Knowing that he has talked about me to Pip caused a new wave of confusion and sadness to wash over me. "What can Pip do for Miss Hazel?" Her voice was soft but squeaky. "Would you mind bringing me some lunch? I am quite unwell." I felt guilty for asking a favour of Pip, but I really did not want to leave my room.
"Master Severus told Pip that Miss Hazel likes bacon and eggs. Pip will bring Miss some fruit also." And with a crack, she was gone. It sounds like Severus has told Pip things that I don't recall telling him myself. The fact that he has noticed details as small as what I like eating for breakfast caused tears to well up in my eyes again.
Another crack, and Pip was setting a tray with a full English breakfast and a bowl of fruit on my lap. At the edge of the tray, in a tiny black vase, sat a single daisy. "Thank you, Pip." I smiled at her as she hovered a glass of pumpkin juice to my nightstand and set it down.
"Master Severus says any time Miss Hazel needs Pip, Pip is to come." The tears that has begun to pool in my eyes finally fell. "Is Miss Hazel alright?" Pip sat down on her tiny knees as her large ears drooped slightly. "I am fine, Pip, thank you," I sniffed softly. "Do you know where Severus has gone?" I looked at her with pleading eyes.
Pip's ears twitched, and she began to fidget with her makeshift dress. "Master Severus told Pip not to tell Miss Hazel." Before I could open my mouth to convince her to tell me, she was gone. I stared at the spot where Pip had just sat and frowned.
Whatever reason Severus has for leaving, it is clearly important enough to risk our lives. At the very least, he could have left me a note warning me that he would be gone. Albus said he was "called away". Could he have been called to a Death Eater meeting? I squirmed as a painful shiver shot down my spine.
Voldemort is the only thing that would pull Severus away so suddenly. As furious as I am with him, I can't help but tremble with fear. I know Voldemort is no stranger to Severus, but that doesn't make him any less dangerous.
My stomach churned with nausea, both at the anxiety and at the emptiness. I ate my breakfast slowly, forcing every mouthful down with difficulty, before falling asleep again.
~ Sunday ~
I woke up at twelve o'clock in the afternoon, completely exhausted. I slept all day yesterday and woke up with a frightful migraine at two o'clock in the morning. I lay awake for several hours in deafening silence. I have become accustomed to hearing Severus' thoughts and emotions from my room, even when he is asleep. Again, that steady thump in the back of my mind proved that I could still feel him. I couldn't detect a flicker of emotion, but rather his essence.
I groaned as I rolled out of bed, my joints cracking and popping as I stretched them out. I looked down at my toes and wriggled them, noting that they were still not numb or tingly. I checked my fingers, too. I didn't detect any hint of magical anaesthesia in my body, and I sighed a confused breath of relief. The last time Severus left, by day three, I couldn't feel my hands or feet at all. Maybe wherever he was wasn't far enough away to affect us.
Albus said he would return tonight, and though I fear being away from him, I am equally terrified to see him again. I feel like a prisoner, trapped in a tunnel of terror. One end of the tunnel is dark and cold, while the other is bright and warm. At both ends, however, stands Severus.
Needing to distract myself for as long as possible, I ran a bath. As soon as the bubbles began to gather and spread, my heart sank. The memory of Severus and me sitting in my bath in pure bliss danced across my eyes. I groaned as I felt tears prickle at my eyes, waved my hand to drain the tub, and opted for a shower instead.
I desperately wanted to go for a walk, but I didn't want to risk having to speak to anyone. I quickly got dressed, throwing on a long coat, before disillusioning myself. Seeing as Severus won't be back for several hours, I took the opportunity to floo to his office. I ran out as quickly and inconspicuously as I could in an attempt to squash the lump that formed in my throat at the familiar, comforting smell of his office.
I kept my feet light as I crept through the halls. Being a Sunday, not many people were around, so my ascent to the Astronomy Tower was, thankfully, hassle-free. I dropped the concealment charm and took a deep breath of the freezing January air, sighing at the fresh sting.
As I sat down and draped my legs over one of the ledges, I was reminded of the last time I was up here. I could see myself pacing frantic laps around Severus as I admitted to falling in love with him. I hung my head and let out a shaky breath of defeat. Every corner of this castle reminds me of him. Every inch of my body burns at the ghost of his touch, and it is torturous.
I let my eyes lose focus on the sprawling snow-covered grounds. It was just after four o'clock, but thick grey clouds obstructed the sun, so it was quite dark. I closed my eyes, sank into the depths of my mind, and shuddered at the sight. There was little difference between the colour of my mind and the colour of the stormy winter sky.
In less than an hour, Severus managed to drain all colour from my world. He took my virginity, and then he took my vibrance and any ounce of pride I possessed. I am angry with him, yes, but I am furious with myself. I was born with a strong mind. I created my garden of colour and peace with my grandmother when I was a child, and it has blossomed ever since.
Until now.
I stood in front of my gates and swallowed the lump in my throat. What was once a shimmering, white arch is now covered completely in rust. It screeched in protest as I pushed it open, and I winced at the sound.
I kicked at the dead grass, clenching my fists as it crunched beneath my shoes. My pond had long since dried up, with no evidence that any fish ever lived there. The bare bones of the cherry blossoms that once bloomed creaked eerily as I walked by.
My knees trembled as I approached the clearing where my drawers sat. Like my gates, my drawers looked nothing like they once did. The ivy vines that wove around the drawers had dried up and solidified, binding several handles in place, and the gold leaves that detailed the wood had turned black.
Several long, thick cracks split through the edges of the drawers, and I wondered if they were still strong enough to keep everything inside. I took a deep breath and attempted to mend them. I tried to imagine what they looked like before the carnage, but to no avail. I could feel my face begin to grow hot from trying to desperately fix the remnants of my fractured mind.
I was sucked back into the freezing wind that blew through the tower as I felt the familiar tingle ripple through my spine. Severus is near, and he is approaching me fast. Panic began to ebb through my veins, and I gripped the railing to steady my breathing as I heard him climbing the stairs.
"What are you doing?" His baritone voice shook my bones.
"Sitting." I could not bring myself to turn and face him.
"Get away from the ledge." I could feel him cautiously step towards me.
"We have had this conversation before, Professor. Pick something original," I huffed sarcastically. "And don't you dare think about putting your hands on me this time." I could feel him directly behind me, itching to rip me away from the ledge, just like he did last time I sat here.
"Please stand up, Hazel. We need to talk." He sounds exhausted. Wherever he was, he mustn't have had access to a Sleeping Draught, as I did.
"I can hear you perfectly fine from here, Professor." I could feel the twinge in his heart as I refused to address him by his name.
When several agonisingly silent minutes passed, I rolled my eyes and huffed dramatically as I pulled myself up from the ledge. I turned to face him but did not meet his gaze.
"I'm sorry." His voice was soft and low, with the slightest tremble.
"I don't care." I turned my head to stare out of the arch on the far wall. "Is that all?" His shame and guilt were maddening, and I desperately wanted to get away from him.
"I left the castle to confirm a theory," he spoke slowly. If I were to die, it would be from the slow and painfully vague statements that he so frequently makes.
"The magic that we experienced on Thursday night did not break our bond, but it did fracture it. We can now be apart physically without the risk of harm." I snapped my eyes to his, and my heart broke. If I wasn't so furious, I would have felt sorry for him. He looked awful. Dark, heavy bags hung under his eyes, and his hair was not as well kept as it usually is, with several locks poking out in unruly directions.
"You put me in danger based on a hunch?" I raged. He quickly waved his wand, casting muffliato. "You're unbelievable!" I could feel the threat of tears prickle in my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. "What if you were wrong? Would you have waited until I could no longer breathe to come back?" I took a step back as he attempted to walk towards me.
"I was not wrong." He clenched his fists briefly before clasping them behind his back and standing up straighter.
"Where did you go? I could still feel you, so you mustn't have gone far. Maybe you were wrong." I was seething, and I could feel my cheeks growing hotter. A few moments passed; whether it was ten minutes or ten seconds, I couldn't be sure.
His jaw clicked, and I watched as he took several steadying breaths. He left my questions unanswered, however, as he announced, "You will no longer be required to fight in this war. The Order does not need your assistance, and I will speak to Professor Dumbledore tonight regarding the matter." My mouth fell agape.
He was no longer looking at me, but rather over the top of my head and into the distance. "You do not get to tell me what I can and cannot do, Professor." He is treating me like a child, and my blood is boiling.
"Actually, Miss Goldstein, I can. As your Head of House, I forbid you from partaking in any activities other than your studies."
And just like that, my blood ran cold. We have returned to Professor Snape and Miss Goldstein, just as I feared we would. "As my Head of House, surely partaking in activities such as fucking me has nothing to do with my studies." I expected a fiery anger to surge through him at my words, but instead there was misery.
I watched his throat as he swallowed sharply, still not meeting my gaze. A burning rage that I didn't know I was capable of was coursing through me as he stood there, trying to appear unphased.
"Go inside, Miss Goldstein. Dinner will be served in ten minutes." I dug my nails into my palms, trying to focus on breathing and not screaming.
I did not move, and neither did he. I clenched my fists harder until I felt the sting of my nail piercing through the skin of my palm. His eyes shot to mine and then down to my hand. "So the only way I can get your attention is if I hurt myself? That's rather selfish, Professor. Though, I suppose I should expect nothing less." My chest was heaving.
When he did not respond, my restraint snapped. "I hate you." My voice was strong and stern; I meant what I said.
"Good. It will be easier if you do." He meant it, too. I glared at him, nostrils flaring slightly. "We were destined to lose, Hazel. It is better that it happens now." He nodded curtly, as if he had just bid me a pleasant evening, and turned to leave.
"If only you had an enemy bigger than your apathy, Severus, maybe we could have won." He paused for a moment. Glancing over his shoulder, he raked his eyes up and down my body one last time before disappearing down the stairs.