"We can't keep doing this." Melissa breaks the silence once everything has settled down. Mark sighs internally. He knew she was going to say it. She always does. It's become part of their pattern by now.
The bed sheets are pulled up covering the pair of them. Not that it matters really, he's seen everything before. Touched everything, kissed everything worshipped her to the point of pleasure time and time again. But it always ends the same.
Once everything has calmed down between them guilt settles in. For her at least. Guilt and regret. By now you would have thought he was used to it. That he had learned better. Yet every time she says that it feels like a stab to the heart. One he knows is coming but somehow is still always so unprepared to handle.
Normally when she says this he agrees. They fall into silence for a little bit before she drags herself out of bed gets dressed to return home and then acts like nothing happened the next day at work. He would lay there until long after she's gone cursing his stupidity for putting himself in this situation over and over again never stopping himself from putting himself through the same pain every time.
It's like an addiction. One neither of them can seem to give up always succumbing to their desire to be with the other. Until morning breaks and Melissa is basically running for the door. "Then why do you keep coming here," Mark asks trying to keep his emotions in check. He doesn't want her to see how much she hurts him, but he has to know. Has to understand why she keeps coming back to him. A small flicker of hope burning in his chest hoping it's the same reason why he always says yes. Why he lets her hurt him over and over again.
Melissa shoots up into a sitting position staring down at him in shock. The covers clutched tightly to her chest to the point her knuckles were turning white. He tries his best to keep his face blank. To lie there emotionlessly when all he really wants to do is smile and run his hand through her dishevelled red hair. To do stupid couple stuff. But that's not them.
She opens her mouth to say something but stops. She sits there looking at him trying to find the right words. At this point he just wants her to say something. Anything. Good or bad. He just needs an answer to this. He can't keep going through this. The emotional turmoil is giving him whiplash and he refuses to be used anymore.
Eventually, she gives up on trying to figure out how to answer that repeating the same lines she has used before. "You know we can't be anything. If Nasa found out both of us would be fired." She right. He knows that. Knew it from the first time they slept together that what they were doing was risking everything. It's why he didn't argue with her. Why he hasn't pushed this subject further then accepting that reasoning.
Going to Mars is a once in a lifetime opportunity. To be the first person to land where they are and set foot on another planet. To study Mars by being on Mars. It's every kid's dream. He knows it was one of his. So many people like him would give anything up for the chance. It's something both of them have dreamed and worked so hard for. He isn't asking her to give that up. He would never to do that. He just wants to know what he is to her. Is that so wrong.
"And if it wasn't against the rules." He pushes a little more. He's not asking her to marry him or move in with him. He just wants to know if she feels something for him or if he's just her fuck buddy. Because if it's the latter he doesn't think he could do this anymore. He couldn't put himself into a situation where he feels so much it feels like he's about to burst sometimes while she feels nothing at all. That wouldn't be fair to either of them.
She shifts slightly at the question her eyes looking away from him and back to the bed. "But it is against the rules Mark." She says softly avoiding the question. Or maybe ignoring her own feelings about this whole thing.
Either way, he's done. They are done.
He and the commander have been doing this dance for seven months now. Far more frequently in the past few months. But he can't keep doing this. Not for another three years. Only to then find out he wasn't really anything to her and is discarded when they come back from Mars. He looks away from her. He can't look at her for this. Can't stand to see if his words cause her any pain or nothing at all. "I think you should leave."
"Mark." Her voice comes out quiet and pained. A part of him likes that. Likes it hurts her a little because it means she feels something. But he pushes that feeling down. Even if she did feel something she would never admit it to him. Never admit that they care about each other much more than just co-workers.
"You keep saying we can't keep doing this." He says unable to keep some of the pain from leaking through. To counter he turns his back to her slipping his legs out off of the bed. "That this is wrong. That we are wrong. A mistake... And every time you say that it kills me a little more inside. But you keep coming back. And I keep hoping that each time you won't regret everything when morning comes and every time you do. And that's destroying me. I feel something for you Melissa. Something that you don't and it wouldn't be fair or right for either of us to continue... whatever this is. So, I think it's best if you leave."
He expected the silence that followed. But he thought it would be followed by the sound of sheets falling and Melissa getting dressed and leaving as it normally goes. Instead, he hears the bed shifting. Feels Melissa wrapping an arm around him resting her head on his shoulder. She plants a small kiss there before burying herself in his neck. "I don't feel nothing Mark." She admits in a breathless whisper. "I feel something for you too. I never meant for you to feel used. I care about you. Far more then I was willing to admit."
Hope begins to burrow in his chest at hearing this. She cares for him as well. She sees him as something more than a fling. His heart races painfully in his chest as his mind tries to calm him down. She wants him as much as he wants her but is that enough. Will their feelings for each other be enough for them to be together. At the end of the day, NASA is still watching their every move in preparation for the Ares Three mission. He turns his head so the two of them are face to face. "What does that mean for us though."
"I don't know," Melissa admits as she leans her head against Marks. "I just know I don't want to lose you." A bright smile lights up his face upon hearing this. These are the words he has been dreaming about hearing ever since they first hooked up after their team went out to a local bar for a few drinks.
"You won't lose me." He kisses her forehead her eyes fluttering close at the action. He's never got to do this before. To scared that anything romantic gesture no matter how small would send her running from him. Back when he was terrified to let her go he wouldn't dream of doing this. His need to keep her close was too great.
Ideas on how they could navigate the situation fly through his mind. If Mitch or anyone above him suspected a relationship between the two of them they would be kicked off the mission. Which only leaves them with two viable options. Either one of them drops out of the Ares mission or they better keep Nasa from finding out about the. And neither of their options seems to be something that will go well.
"NASA cannot find out Mark," Melissa states bluntly. "They can never find out about us. No one can."
"The team will find out." He tells hers her. "Whether we like it or not. We're together too much for no one to pick up." They are put into life and death situations training on a daily basis. There is no way the two of them can keep their relationship from leaking through at certain times. No matter how hard they try. They are like one big family. There aren't any secrets. But that might also work in their favour. "You know there is something going on between Johanssen and Beck."
Melissa groans at the reminder of the puppy looks the two keep sending each other. "They aren't even trying to be subtle." The amount of time he has had to nudge Beck from dreamily starting towards the young system operator is laughable. "They are lucky we were already together by the time they started to look at each other like that otherwise I would have had to talk to them."
He wonders if the others have noticed something between him and Melissa already. They have tried really hard to not let anyone know they were hooking up. Melissa did it so well he couldn't even tell what he was to her. But he's always been more obvious. His mom tells him he wears his heart on his sleeve. Maybe they already suspect something but like with Beck and Beth they just make jokes about it in private and let them do what they do.
"As in you won't reprimand them." He asks wondering if she would talk to Beth or Beck. At the start of them all working together the commander took him, Beck, Alex and Rick to the side and made it very clear that romantic gestures towards Beth would have them kicked off the mission right away.
Now in his defence, she said any moves made on Beth. Not on her. And besides she was the one to kiss him first.
"It would be hypocritical if I did."
A small laugh escapes him at that. He can't argue with what she said. "What I'm saying is we know. Vogel and Martinez know. But they won't say anything. The team won't snitch on each other."
Melissa pauses thinking over what he just said. "I hope you're right. We'll all be in a lot of trouble if not." That is an understatement.
He kisses her silencing any other responses she might have added on. "We will deal with that if it comes to it. For now, we could just be happy."
"I like the sound of that." So does he. Who knows what the future holds but at least for now they have each other.