25

Ianto was in the creek, up to his knees as he tried to lift the stupid dog out of the water. He had no idea where it came from or how long it had been stuck in the muddy middle mud bank but he was damned determined to get it out safely. He had been taking an afternoon wander before the kids got home, when he saw the thing in the mud and it took him a little while to realize it was a dog. A real dog, covered in mud and looking like some sort of mud monster. It was clearly tired. Damn, it was gonna drown.

There had been no owner visible anywhere, the thing seemed to be in serious trouble so he stripped down to his trousers and shirt and now here he was in the muddy water, his bare feet sinking into the muck as the poor dog whined and tried to help him, struggling and sinking deeper.

With a soft curse he heaved some more, looking over to find some Blumanchu entering to help, three strong men who were laughing at him and calling him names he knew, of course he did. Instead of being insulted he instead laughed along with them, then startled them by answering in their native language that maybe they were all swamp monsters now.

"Ah.. FL, it is you!" one of them exclaimed with shock "you be fat."

"I be with child dumbarse" Ianto grunted in their guttural language, all of them roaring with mirth once more.

Finally the dog was on the bank and they could only laugh and fall about in the water as the hound took off without the slightest bit of appreciation, Ianto letting the men help him out as well. They lay on the grass and enjoyed the warmth of the sun, only to have shadows fall over them.

The first Blumanchu rose and by the time Ianto realized it was foe, not friend, the second Blumanchu was roaring a battle cry as he rose to meet the men who had thought they would roll some Blumanchu for the afternoon. Muppet Slapping. Like Cow Tipping, this was an old custom of racism that is supposed to be illegal now but… well. Some arseholes never learn.

The second thing to enter Ianto's brain was the fact they were all covered in mud and all looked the same. These redneck colonist arseholes had no idea they had a Militarial amongst the batch, not all 'Muppets' were Blumanchu.

By the time his brain made a third fact loud in his brain box, the pesky little 'baby' thought, there were already three of the eight fuckers down and the fourth was screaming as his broken arm flopped around in Ianto's grip.

Then came the MPs, racing to pull everyone apart and Ianto tried to speak but it all happened so fast and he had been a bit baby brained lately and… he was suddenly in a cell with three muddy Blumanchu… sorry… three muddy and bloody Blumanchu. He decided to let his blood pressure lower by breathing deeply and seeing what was about to happen. He had a rare opportunity to see firsthand how Blumanchu were treated behind closed doors. And the fact his bump was clearly visible in the now dried muddy clothing was something he also wanted to see in full effect.

They came for him last, the others wanting to leave him to be calm so rising to leave, his hushed whisper not to tell who he was confusing but... they would obey his order to run into live fire so… OK.

He was led to a small stuffy room that made him feel ill after half an hour of silence, marking him sit behind a metal table like he was some sort of serial killer. OK. Now he was really interested. He had never been in a place like that. These back rooms were not where he had been shown on inspections.

Two men entered, talking to one another in broad GS, ignoring him completely.

He waited.

"Look at his swollen eye, we can say it's from the mud. If we can prove he is the ringleader we can get him sent up for the attack." One said as he sat and plinked down a file. "Didn't thy say one was head-butting? He looks like a head-butter."

"The others all said he was not even fighting but we all saw him with Addison's arm like that" the other one agreed.

Ianto waited.

"He's not as tall as the others, maybe he's a juvenile?" the first one asked.

Ianto canted his head and answered calmly in GS "I am close to four times your age young man, I don't think you have any place to think you are better than I."

They both froze, slowly turning to gape at him.

"Wow" one said softly "You speak good Galactic Standard for a Muppet."

Ianto did not correct them, lowering his gaze before asking "Do I not get to call someone?"

"Sure. Tell us and we will call them for you" the second one said, then could not help a giggle.

Ah. Really?

"OK. You need only walk upstairs to get him."

"OK… tell us Muppet, whose knob do you polish up there in the pips level eh?"

Ianto felt it was worth it to say Archie's name.

And then wait some more for the fireworks.