To endure

I pushed open the door to my room, switching the light on, pushing away darkness yet doing nothing to dispel the depression and sadness of it, single small bed and bare furniture and dust everywhere.

Regulations saw fit to relocate poor ninja in ANBU to specified housing, richer ones to elite shinobi districts. Made it easier to protect everyone.

I locked the door behind, seals switching on I knew, Orochimaru had taught me that much, sitting on the corner of my mattress, peeling sweat slick clothing and armour off. My chest soon was bare, except the two rolls of bandages wrapped around like a harness.

The thought of my old master stung more than the wounds, the idea that he would betray me, would send me to die in ANBU hurt, and that I couldn't really do anything against him.

But I pulled my thoughts away from the biting pain eating into my torso, and rationalized it. He never cared about me, I knew that. Hell, since when was I even fooled into caring about him? He doesn't matter, not at all, and never did.

What was he even meant to be to me? A father, a god, a teacher?

No, he never mattered to me. Never.

But Danzo. That certainly made sense. Well, to an extent. Get the most mentally strong people in your forces, then make them do incredibly important suicide missions. It fit his ideology, his modus operandi, but it was wasteful. You take a bunch of high level shinobi, make them go with some mid level ones, and kill them by the dozen. That isn't useful, that's barely even viable. And it fits Danzo, his irrational love for rationality, his rejection of emotion yet still so much anger.

I knew that apathy wasn't something to covet, and that was the only thing my emotionlessness had ever gotten me, aside from safety.

And I wasn't very safe now, was I?

I was in ANBU, the suicide mission ANBU, the ANBU where my entire squad and 3 others had died and they just told me in a day I would be sent out to do it all over again.

But that was the best part. Because that single fight made me stronger than those 3 months of training, than my diligence, than my mind.

And I needed more.

Maybe because the killing made me feel alive.

…

The next mission was a disaster too.

I ended up bringing my captains body back, draped over my shoulders. I thought he was still breathing, but the surgeons told me he died 20 minutes before I got there.

I had become accustomed to the smell of blood, to the sight of death.

I liked that captain though, his name was Takahashi Aoi. He liked cats, had a few of them at home, liked to talk about this ginger one, how it was obviously dumber than everyone else. He had a set of weird, angled muttonchops, and squinted eyes.

Entrails didn't spill to save me, he just got unlucky. He was the first to get wounded, and the last to die. He must have been a good fighter too. A damn shame.

I think blood is thicker than ashes, stickier too. Must be why we burn the bodies, because they certainly can't wipe his face away.

…

A duck, followed up with a stab, and a twist, and a crunch as a neck snaps.

[Chunin killed, 2500xp]

It barely mattered that kill was so clean though, as another man tackled me, sending me into the mud, soaked with the rain from hours of rainy Kiri skies pelting the ground with wet.

I punched him of my top, rolling over with him, smashing his face in with a few elbow strikes. It turned into paste.

[Chunin killed, 2500xp]

I was covered in mud, dark and brown and black against the small moonlight that shone above, so it was hard for the kunoichi who ran past me, to help some one, or save herself. I didn't matter, because I ripped a kunai out from my arm, slicing it through her Achilles tendon then impacting the back of her neck with the same blade.

[Chunin killed, 2500xp]

I rushed the same direction she was dashing in, quick steps squelching on soft, wet mud. I clashed with a strong shinobi, jonin I would guess, his own body bloody and battered, my short kunai stopping him from killing my partner, but barely.

He dodged back, twirling and twisting around each of my swipes and stabs, but the misses built a pattern, forged and built, and unseeable to most. I saw it though, us both forging a pattern, an opening bit by bit, the only question that matters being who could strike first. The question was answered by my teammate attacking, a couple of clashes leaving the jonin open to a stab, my borrowed knife sinking into the man's stomach, being wretched open, slicing a sick arc into his belly, intestinal lining falling out.

I dodged back urgently, but my teammate didn't foresee his death imminent. Yes, he sliced through the bloodied jonin's arm, but the other activated an explosive note, and by the time he saw it, it was too late, the fiery hot explosion peeling away both man's flesh, the silhouette of their blackened skulls quickly becoming engulfed in flame.

[Jonin killed, 12500xp]

[Level up, 20 points awarded]

Level 14

I was myself thrown back, impacting with the sickening squelch of mud once again. I almost wanted to stay there, rest for a while, let my shallow breathing become thick again, but I forced myself up, scanning the battlefield in alert formation.

I saw little, voiding a tree. Suspicious, so I investigated with a clone, which clambered up the side, popping as soon as it entered the foliage. Being a shadow clone, a flood of short-term memories slammed into my mind from it, telling me there was a wounded soldier.

So I entered the leaves myself, deflecting a projectile, before realising they were ANBU too. They had a cut across their torso, and a half broken mask depicting a fair maiden. Wounded, and weak, and a recruit too. The next wave must have come recently.

I thought if I should kill them. Fleeing would be made easier, but I realised there was no need. If I got intercepted, I could just leave them. And I needed a teammate at the very least. Someone to watch my back.

"When the night calls, who sits?"

"T-The wary."

I nodded, then unwrapped some bandages from my leg, the kunai attached long lost. I rolled it around their body, once, and twice, then lifting them onto my shoulder in a sort of fireman carry.

"What is your name." the feminine voice above me asked.

"Yurei."

Then I think she fell asleep. Her body went limp.

And before you ask, she didn't die. I didn't learn her name until later though.

…

Another meeting with the ANBU commander then. This was the first since I had graduated, and his lackey had given some sort of bullshit reason for me being forced to see his fuck ugly face.

I didn't mind Danzo, not much, but the fact he constantly tries to get me killed hasn't done much to make me indebted to his cause.

I walk in, sit, and stare at his mask with mine own.

It was a dragon, yes, but grey rather than azure or red as one would expect, scales like gravel, I realised wrapped around his face where his bandages were.

"Yurei, do I need to order you to remove your mask?"

I stared unblinking, though he wouldn't know that.

"Why yes sir. If I took of the mask without an order from a superior, it could violate the secrecy of ANBU and pose a threat to the leaf."

He sighed, annoyance maybe, but something else too

"Well then. Take of your mask."

I complied, knowing how no nonsense he was. That and that without me even annoying him, he had sent me to death thrice.

"You are quickly becoming one of the luckiest shinobi we have ever had. 3 missions, 2 of your captains dead, and a whole lot more of your teammates gone. My question is, then, how do you get so lucky?"

I scoffed.

"Please. If I was a spy you woild have caught me already. There is a simpler explanation for this."

"That being?"

"That I am a good shinobi. That I survive where everyobe else dies because I am good. I was Orochimaru's student, joined ANBU at 14, and survived 3 deadly brawls. I am sure that's nothing compared to Lord Hokage's. I am just a passionate, skilled and young ninja."

Danzo continued staring. It almost felt like his bandages were floating.

"Are you loyal to the leaf?"

"Yes."

"Are you a capable fighter?"

"Yes."

"Would you die instead of another shinobi?"

"No."

Then like a spell being lifted, his eye flickered to the left, and stayed there, unmoving. For a few seconds He stayed, sat in thought whilst I felt more and more tense by the moment.

Danzo interrupted his self-made silence, his nothing movements and shifting muscles giving way to more of his raspy deep baritone.

"You must have figured it out then, that ANBU is made to give unlucky shinobi suicide missions that no other shinobi would take. That we make you go into life ending situations over and over again, for the sake of the village. If follows then, that one as self-centred and preserving as you, would want to leave."

"No. I want to stay."

His solitary eye opened, wide.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I am getting stronger, bit by bit, and these missions need someone with experience at the helm. I want to be someone who can be relied upon, who can be useful. More than anything though, I need experience, and fighting in these almost hopeless situations is very good experience."

The man took a deep, big breath, his face stiller than lake water, not a single emotion spelt on his face, like ice crystalised, from the water it once was.

"Then as long as you continue to perform well, I see no problem with allowing you to continue. A new squad then, after you rest. You will meet them at 6am tomorrow, until then, dismissed!"

…

The next day I woke up at 4am. Not on purpose, but unwanted thoughts, intrusive and hellish fought against me, and pushed me to rise upright.

I remembered peeling flesh, and xp counters flashing in front of my eyes, and the falling of rain under deep dark clouds.

And a shattered mask.

When 6am did come, I entered one of the locker rooms, near empty except 3 others.

I joined them quickly, seeing a familiar cracked woman spirit mask. She stayed silent though, and I wondered it she was shy or just well trained.

"Well, since we are all here, I will introduce myself." The tallest of us spoke, rising out of his sitting position.

"I am Tanuki, and I am the captain of this squad. This squad was specifically made because all of you, well I guess me too, have survived unlikely situations. The idea is, you are our best or luckiest or both, so we stuff you into one group and hope it works. Any questions?"

We all stayed silent, an awkward blanket falling over the room before a man in a kitsune mask put his hand up. Tanuki pointed to him, and he began, in a dark, almost tired sounding voice.

"Not really a question for you, but for us. Your expertise, your masks name, and your main interest. You know, to build a team." He sighed after, almost as if talking drained him of his life.

The girl I met earlier spoke first. "Well, I have already met Yurei, he saved me you see, but I don't think I told him my name. I am Onryō. I like to paint actually, I enjoy it. I am also a trap expert, but I also have the byakugan. I guess from that you can figure out I am a Hyuga too."

I decided to continue, keeping the momentum of the conversation as to prevent another deathly silence. It was pointless, I felt, if my team was to die in the next, but I said it anyway.

"I am Yurei, as Onryō pointed out earlier. I am an all rounder, knowing all 5 elements, effective in long and close range, and knowledgeable of all walks of ninja life. I... well, I like fighting."

Kitsune introduced himself as his mask foretold, an obviously older ninja than Onryō or I, adept at genjutsu and trickery. He liked woodworking.

Our captain Tanuki didn't reveal much of himself. He was a ninjutsu specialist, and apparently good at coordinating men, but we could all tell that he was fastened with us because his own squad had died too.

We were all the leftovers in one group.

Our first mission was at 9am. We prepared for yet another suicide dive.

…

A/N: I will add more to this AN, to this chapter in fact, later.

Thanks for reading and reviewing, I appreciate it.

Edit: 28/06/2023

Ok, I am back. Jaw still hurts, but it is whatever. I took a break on the weekend to go visit my grandmother. It was nice.

Onto the chapter. Danzo is a wily bastard but still has a reason for most of the things that he does. He isn't fully justified, we know that, but many in the leaf, including Hiruzen, support him for a reason. The attitude is, he needs to be there to make the hard decisions.

Kizashi's squad were interesting. To give you guys an idea of the behind the scenes I had a concept for a Kizashi self insert story from since before Rainfall, but I didn't want to do it because I wanted an OC to fuck up canon. In this concept, I had an idea of him joining ANBU from Oro-chan's tutorship, and then having some kind of squad help him in certain things.

They will be decently important, but not massively important. They are useful in understanding Kizashi as a character, not as people in of themselves.

Also note, Kizashi is like 50% of the time wrong in some way. He is cynical, he is arrogant, and he is effected by things that he doesn't think can. He see's so many of his teammates die, that combined with his own apathy for the world and Orochimaru's teachings shows us that dun dun dun, he doesnt think teams have any value. He is slowly realising he is wrong though, his care for people he admires being a part of that. He in general is a person characterised by nihilism and apathy. The main thing he isn't apathetic about, is power, so the story is about how a person gains power.

It can kind of be seen as a riff on some of people's attitudes towards power fantasy in general. Basically the ultimate question of: Once he really is the strongest, what even is the point? Just so you guys know, even when he gets so strong he can't be beaten reasonably, the story will still go on.

Also Kizashi is like 14 during this, Onryō is 16-20 (I have no set age in mind so whatever), Kitsune is 18-24 (we dont see his face) and Tanuki is 20-26

Add any kind of criticism you feel is poignant, even if it annoys me, I won't mind.

Also, thanks to all of my reviewers, genuinly. cya.