Roses in December
K Hanna Korossy
"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December." – JM Barrie
"Hey, Sam?"
Sam paused in the middle of unloading the groceries he'd just bought into the motel room kitchenette. That was Dean's thoughtful voice, which meant this was either something serious, or that Dean had been thinking about the time-travel logic of Back to the Future again. Sam looked up, bag of apples in hand. "Yeah?"
Dean hadn't even noticed the bag contained mostly fruit, so it probably was serious. "You remember before I basically told you having a soul was the ultimate downer and you decided you didn't want yours?"
"Uh. Not really?" Sam didn't remember much from the past year, either from his soulless self topside or his soul down in the Cage, thanks to Death's wall. And that was pretty much how they all wanted it.
"Right." Dean instantly looked contrite; he was the one always telling Sam to leave the wall alone. "Never mind, forget it."
Sam put down the apples and turned fully to his brother, grimacing. "Why, did I do something else terrible I should know about?" Because trying to kill Bobby, letting Dean get turned into a vampire, and sleeping with a girl in every town wasn't bad enough.
"No! Well, not— No. I mean…" Dean was flustered enough to start mindlessly popping grapes into his mouth.
Sam put a hands on his hips: now he had to know. "Dude. It's not about Hell, so just tell me, okay?"
"It's just…" Dean shook his head. "It's stupid."
"Dean!" Sam said with exasperation.
"Okay, okay. Just, if you don't remember, there's not much point in asking. But you told me that being 'old Sam' was kinda harder, but you—he—remembered some things that made him think he should go back. You should go back. To being…old you."
Well, that was clear. Sam tried to parse all those pronouns. But, "Yeah…I think I do remember that. We were…sitting outside somewhere, right?"
Dean brightened. "Yes! Yeah. We were having lunch after the skinwalker dog case—" Off Sam's no-doubt puzzled expression, he waved a hand. "Never mind. But that's what you said."
"Okay," Sam said slowly, not sure where the question was. He did take the grapes, dump them in a bowl, and rinse them off before handing them back to Dean.
"I was just wondering what you remembered. Even without feelings, whatever it was, it mattered."
There were so many responses to that, both things he knew his soulless self had thought about, and things that would make sense for him to consider: Jess, Dad's sacrifice to save his sons, Dean's sacrifice to save Sam, Dean cooking for him, Dean getting him treats, Dean holding him when he was hurting…
But Sam just smiled at his brother. "My eighth birthday, at the zoo."
He watched surprise, confusion, and realization chase across Dean's face, followed by a pleased, honest-to-God blush. Dean turned away, smacking Sam on the arm as he said without looking at him, "Even soulless-you was such a girl, I swear." He took the grapes with him as he ambled out of the kitchenette over to his bed.
Sam was still smiling as he put the rest of the food away.
The End