This story tags back to my one shot "Stanley Richmond, Comic Book Icon." It will make sense more quickly if you have read that one, but I think you can puzzle it out either way. Someone asked to see more of Stanley in that role. This seemed like a good place to do that.

This piece comes under the heading of humor/parody.

How Cornman Never Faced the Ants

"Cornman? This is HQ. I'm going to need you to return to town immediately."

"What? I've almost got these guys! We've been after this road gang for weeks!"

"We've got a bigger problem - a way bigger problem on our hands. The road gang is going to have to wait."

"I'm seriously minutes away from shutting this thing down for good here, HQ. Can't whatever it is wait?"

"That would be a no. There is a reason that I said immediately."

"What kind of problem are we talking about?"

"This would be the kind that requires a really good exterminator."

"The giant irradiated ants followed Jake home, didn't they?"

"It looks that way."

"How many times have you told him to watch out for those?"

"His listening skills leave something to be desired. The sooner you get back here the better."

"I'm on my way."

Fifteen Minutes Later

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing, HQ?"

"I do have a visual on the area, Cornman."

"Have you noticed that there are not just a couple of these things? There's a whole line of them! I can't even see the end!"

"Well, that would be consistent with normal ant behavior. After all . . ."

"This is not the time for a science lesson!"

"Sorry."

"What's Electra Babe's ETA?"

"She's not on her way."

"Why not? Where is she?"

"She's got detention duty this afternoon."

"Are you kidding me?"

"There's a rotation."

"I'm thinking the miles long line of giant ants headed for town are probably a more pressing issue than some kids who got too many late slips this week. Can't she get here?"

"Not without compromising her identity."

"The entire town already knows her identity, Heather! I cannot handle this on my own. Get me some back up out here!"

"I'm on it."

"I'll start slinging some silk - see if I can slow them down."

Two Hours Later

"That's really just disgusting."

"Crisped insects are considered a perfectly normal food source in some cultures."

"Um . . . ew."

"You can't be suggesting that we . . ."

"Well, she does have a point. I mean, we can't just leave them out here, can we?"

"Weren't you the one who just said 'ew' like three seconds ago?"

"That was a knee jerk reaction."

"It was the right knee jerk reaction. They are ants in case you didn't notice that during the slow but steady march toward the doom of the town that we just witnessed."

"That we just stopped."

"That was a nice display of teamwork by the way."

"Thanks, HQ. They are made of meat, you know that right?"

"I'm going to repeat your earlier assessment of the situation . . . um . . . ew."

"Well, they are. Besides, if you stop to think about it, is it really that much different from reopening the Pizza Garden?"

"I can't even begin to tell you how much it bothers me that I can't really argue that point. Maybe we could trade them to New Bern for some windmills?"

"Guys!"

"What's up, HQ?"

"As intriguing as this little discussion of yours is, these were irradiated ants - don't you think that could be problematic?"

"This was your idea in the first place."

"All I did was make a comment about how some people eat bugs. I did not suggest that we take up the practice."

"Stanley got irradiated in that rain."

"Well, yeah, but what does that have to do with . . ."

"Oh, I see where you're going with that. He got super powers."

"They are powers; the super part might be up for debate."

"Hey!"

"I'm just saying that it worked out okay for him."

"I'm not sure that Stanley's reaction to radiation should be used as a baseline."

"I can hear everything the two of you are saying over the com. Did you forget that?"

One Week Later

"Why are you loading cans of gas into the car, Jake?"

"Oh, hey Cornman, I just realized that it's been a while since we sent anyone out to gather information. I thought I would make a run and see how things seem to be going out there."

"No!"

"Wow, there's no need to be so loud, HQ. You're going to blow out the earpiece."

"Just tell him no!"

"Um . . . do you really think that's such a good idea, Jake?"

"Someone's got to do it. Why not me?

"Yeah, about that. Here's the thing, Jake. Any time you get any distance away from Jericho, something always follows you home."

"It does not."

"Do you not remember that invading army from New Bern?"

"That was not my fault. They were coming anyway."

"There have been other . . . incidents."

"Like what?"

"Those fighter planes? That Maggie woman from the fake marines? That duck that thought you were its mother? That, by the way, was completely hilarious. That St. Bernard puppy that peed all over your mother's carpets? Ravenwood?"

"Okay, okay. I get your point, but . . ."

"Giant. Irradiated. Ants."

"Oh, come on - what are the odds of something like that happening again?"

"Giant. Irradiated. Ants."

"I'm just going to unload the car."

"Good call."

"I'll see you at Bailey's later?"

"I'll be there. HQ?"

"Yes?"

"The crisis has been averted."

"Way to save the day."

"I have my moments."