Hey guys,
So incredibly sorry for the long wait, but between school stress and dealing with my relationship going splitsville, I haven't really found the time and/or motivation to write.
But with that being said, I do hope this chapter makes up for it a tiny bit, even if it is slightly on the shorter side.
You know the drill, I don't own Twilight, and if you think I do, did or will, bless your stupid little heart.
Chapter Eight
JPOV
"Hey Edward?"
"Yeah, Jazz?"
I was determined to get to the bottom of Edward's moodiness. He'd been acting out of character all day - being distracted, getting pissed at everyone over nothing - it was really unlike him. He was usually such a happy and open person, rivaled only in joviality by Emmett. So for him to be so closed off and stressed looking was frankly freaking me out. I wondered if maybe something had happened that he hadn't told me about, though I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't have come to me about whatever it was.
Fuck, what if it was me? Had I done something to piss him off or hurt him? I wracked my brain surveying the events of the last week when Edward begun to really shut off from me, but I couldn't think of anything out of the ordinary. I guess I could only ask and hope he would let me back in.
"What was up with you today? It's not really like you to be so, I dunno, stressed looking." I said with slight hesitation. He sighed, rather than responding. I didn't want to push him, but I sensed I was going to have to in this instance. I paused our game and gave him my best cut-the-crap look, "Seriously Ed, talk to me."
"It's nothing, I was just tired and frustrated with my history paper," he was looking visibly guarded, a look that was definitely out of place on his face.
"Then let me help you with it, you know I'm good at history," He un-paused the game, but I paid it no mind, this was important and I was going to get to the bottom of it, even if it meant playing along with what I knew was a lie.
"It's okay, I figured it out." It was clear he was trying to end the conversation, but I ignored his less-then-subtle hint.
"Ed, c'mon, it's me. If there's something going on in that crazy head of yours, you can talk to me about it." I tried to give him my best reassuring smile, but something changed in his features. It wasn't an expression I was used to seeing, especially not on his face.
Pure anger.
"No, Jasper, I can't okay. I can't fucking talk to you, of all people. I wish I could, but I can't. To be honest, it's making it worst just talking about talking to you. This is just one thing I can't tell you okay? That just the way it is." His voice rose to well above normal speaking levels to the point where he was yelling.
He was yelling at me. I sat there and stared wide-eyed before not just his words, but the emotion on his face sunk in. I couldn't help but feel fear stirring deep inside me. I knew logically that this was Edward, he would never hurt me, but that look… that look of rage painted on his features reminded me too much of what used to come after speaking out of turn.
I dropped my eyes to my hands and apologized, hoping I could end this now before it escalated further. "E-edward, I… I'm sorry, I'm really sorry…"
"No, fuck! Jasper, I didn't mean it like that- I meant, fuck- I didn't-" He fumbled for an explanation, but I didn't need one. I had over stepped my bounds by pushing him.
"It's okay, I-I get it, you don't need me to deal with whatever's going on, I was just tryna help. I-I'm just gonna go take a shower." I hated the fact that I started fucking stuttering. I was useless when it came to confrontation, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears on the spot. As it was I could feel the telltale pin pricks behind my eyes, so I made my way to Edward's adjoining bathroom and closed the door, effectively running away from my problems, yet again.
Resting my back against the door, I slid down until my ass hit the cold tiled floor and buried my head in my hands. God, I was so stupid. Why the fuck couldn't I just have a normal reaction? I could've yelled back, I could've played it off and let him explain – but no, I had to run away and cry like a little girl. Fuck.
After regaining control of my breath that was threatening to run away without me, I dragged myself up to look in the mirror that hung frameless on the wall over the sink. My eyes were already red and my face was flushed. It was probably just as well I had used the shower an escape, because hot water to wash away this monumental fuck up was exactly what I needed. Stripping off today's clothes I dumped them in Edward's hamper, knowing they would join the pile of my stuff that I left here and continually forgot to retrieve. Esme always joked that they were going to have to add extra closet space to Edward's room to accommodate for the amount of laundry I left here.
Edward's shower was enclosed with pristine glass that tied in with the exterior of the house, which took up one of the corners of the room. I stepped in and turned on the large square showerhead, leaving the wall mounted jets off. After taking the time to wash myself, I stood still under the water, caught up in feeling the small droplets fall over my exposed skin, imagining for a minute that I was stuck in a rainstorm. I watched as the dots of water jumped off my skin and fell in rivulets down the glass, creating intricate patterns upon the pane. I traced the trails of water at shoulder height and relished in the thought that, despite what had just happened, I felt calm. There was no incessant string of thoughts running through my head and I closed my eyes to enjoy the peace. I'm not sure how many minutes passed before I realised why the constant worry and restlessness was gone.
Vanilla.
The scent had permeated my nostrils since I stepped into the room, and I had only just realised why it had such a calming affect on me. It was his shampoo. Ever since I met Edward he had always used the same vanilla scented shampoo, and had ended up perpetually smelling of it. Every hug or comforting gesture he had ever given me had been laced with the same scent that I now smelled. A small smile crept over my face at the thought of how such a simple thing could have such an effect on me.
After shutting off the water I stepped out onto the bath mat and grabbed a white cotton towel from the rack and dried myself off, thankful to Edward's mum that she had had the fore-thought to put a pair of my old sweats, boxers and one of Edward's old band t-shirts on the counter. I don't know when she'd done it, but that woman was like Supermum with that sort of thing. Slipping into the clean clothes, I gave myself a once over in the mirror, mentally preparing myself for the possibility of more hostility from Edward.
When I opened the door to his room he was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The dark room was broken only by the light from the bathroom and the tv screen still showing Edward's failure at a game we'd both completed over again. He turned to look at me, a few strands of auburn hair falling over his forehead. I couldn't quite read the look in his eyes, but they didn't look angry – they looked sad and conflicted.
I decided the best course of action would be to let him initiate conversation as I walked over to lie beside him on the bed. He returned to staring at the ceiling and let out an audible sigh. I didn't understand what could be bothering him so much that it would cause him to shut off to me. It occurred to me that this was probably how Edward felt when I put up walls and shut him out, as I was so prone to doing. I was trying to work on that, with Edward not only being my rock, but my role model. I aspired to be just a fraction as open and confident as him.
"I'm really sorry Jasper." He shattered the silence as well as my thoughts. I took a deep breath, finding the calming vanilla scent in the boy and the sheets, and asked the first question that was on my mind.
"Have I done something?" My voice was small, but I was proud that I spoke without it shaking or stuttering.
"No, fuck no. You haven't done anything, okay? Don't blame my temper on yourself." He spoke without taking his eyes off the ceiling, his voice sounded more like the one I was used to. He didn't sound angry, he just sounded like Edward, and I was glad for that.
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Cross your heart and hope to die?"
"You'll die if you don't shut up." I could hear the smile in his voice and it made me chuckle. I was glad things had returned to being easy so quickly. I wasn't naïve enough to think that whatever he was dealing with was gone, but I felt slightly more confident that maybe if I gave it time, he would open back up to me.
Sitting up on the bed and crossing my legs under me, I said, "wanna put that to the test?" picking up my controller I motioned at the screen as Edward sat up with me at the end of the bed and smiled.
"You're on."
"Jazz? Jasper? Jasper, are you okay?"
Edward's urgent whisper broke me out of my sleep and back into consciousness. The room was still dark, so I didn't know what was so important that I had to be woken up. I let my eyes adjust to see Edward propped up on one elbow look at me with worry in his eyes.
"Wha? What's wrong?" I glanced at the illuminated alarm clock on his bedside table. 2:16am. It was way too early to be awake.
"Jazz, you were crying? I thought you might've been having a nightmare, you don't remember?" His voice was laced with confusion.
Crying?
Fuck, he's right. Sitting up on the bed, I wiped my hands over my face only to find wet trails running down one side of my face having collected in a wet spot on the pillow. Why was I crying?
"Are you okay?" Edward's hand found my shoulder in the dark and gave it a comforting squeeze.
"I, um, yeah I guess. I don't know why I was crying. It wasn't a nightmare, well, not one of the usual ones…" I could tell easily that it wasn't one of the nightmares about my dad, they always left me with a certain sense of fear and dread, whether I remembered the specifics of the dream or not. I hugged my knees to my chest, trying to remember what had caused me to cry in my sleep.
"I dunno, I just woke up and heard you. Are you sure you're all right? You look kinda like you've seen a ghost…"
Squeezing my eyes closed, I rested my forehead against my knees as flashes of my dream played behind my eyes. It definitely wasn't one of my usually nightmares. It was worst.
"Jazz? Shit, what's wrong?" I kept my head down; eyes closed and pretended like the tears hadn't started flowing again. I felt the bed give as Edward shifted to sit beside me, offering the familiar comfort of his arms. "Shh, love, it's okay, I'm here, everything will be okay."
Love.
He was breaking out the big guns now. Edward's reserved terms of endearment like that how those closest to him. I'd only ever heard him use love when comforting Alice and I a handful of times.
"Jazz, come with me." I felt rather than saw him pulling me by the hand off the bed and towards the door. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to rid my face of these goddamn tears. I didn't ask where we were going, sated just to follow behind him, my hand still warmly in his grasp.
Edward led me in silence through the house, our path illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the massive glass panes that made up the exterior walls. The house was quiet apart from the sound of our footfalls upon the carpeted stairs as we ascended them. It was when we reached the top floor of the Cullen's expansive house that I realised where I was being taken.
Esme had allowed Edward to have free reign of the upstairs study, meaning of course that he had begged and begged to have it fitted with a grand piano, identical to the one that sat in the living room, save for the piles upon piles of sheet music that he had accumulated over the years. As I said, the Cullen's had money to spare.
The moonlight shone through the glass walls, and from this height I could see through the tops of the surrounding trees and into the illuminated forest.
"Sit." I did as I was told, taking a place on the long bench in front of the piano. Edward took his seat next to me, pulling his boxer-clad self closer to the jet-black wood and stretched his hands out to ghost over the keys.
The minute he began to play, fingers gently caressing each note as the ebony and ivory seemingly glowed under the moon's illumination, I felt as though there were no safer place on the planet. The opening bar perfectly melded into the next, and soon Edward began to sing, his smooth, rich voice seldom heard by others, filled the room shutting out the world, leaving only the two of us.
Be still and know that I'm with you,
Be still and know that I am here.
Be still and know that I'm with you,
Be still, be still, and know.
I smiled as I recognized the song to be one of my favorites, a fact I didn't even know Edward knew. His voice and the gentle piano accompaniment mixed so well together, I was having a hard time remembering where I was. This felt like a dream.
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame,
Be still and know that I'm with you,
And I will say your name.
Memories of the dream that had been playing through my unconscious mind before Edward had woken me flittered back into my vision. Edward had been hurt. I didn't see how, all I saw was the blood. So much blood.
If terror falls upon your bed,
And sleep no longer comes,
Remember all the words I said,
Be still, be still and know.
He had been lying in my arms, the world around us draining on colour, bar the crimson that soaked into everything, staining the world around us. One second was holding on to him for dear-life, and the next I was being dragged away by force I couldn't see, no matter how hard I tried.
And when you go through the valley,
And the shadow comes down from the hill,
If morning never come to be,
Be still, be still, be still.
There were invisible arms pulling my away from him when he needing me. I tried to fight, but the more I struggled the further away Edward seemed to be. I tried to scream, to cry out, anything to let him know that I wouldn't it take me, that I would be there for him, but no sound would pierce the walls of my consciousness.
If you forget the way to go,
And lose where you came from,
If know one is standing beside you,
Be still and know I am.
He had needed me. He needed me and I'd let him down. Just like out here in the real world, I couldn't manage to be there for my friend when he was in trouble – there was always something stopping it, some fucked up part of me that couldn't keep his sanity in check long enough to be a decent friend. I didn't deserve him.
Be still and know that I'm with you,
Be still and know I am.
That song is Be Still be The Fray, and I highly recommend giving it a listen, as I think it perfectly sums up Edward's feelings towards Jasper.
Now if only Jay could stop feeling so inadequate, we might get somewhere. We are getting close though! *throws confetti*
Again, can't guarantee a quick update, but I'll do my best. Let me know what you thought of the chapter and the song choice. :)