As much as Severus feared the easter holiday, it approached.

Surprisingly, after that whole debucle with Skeeter and Senior Lord Black, nothing worthy of note happened, not that he had any opportunity to do . what with those awful awful time consuming detentions, dodging Black and Potter, and regaling Regulus with so many tales about Hogwarts and its teachers.

Against his better judgment, Junior Black proved to be a good ear, eager to learn and slowly warming up to him. Emerald was of opinion that he was substituing him as the big brother Sirius was not. Not to forget about helping Pettigrew to help his pears so they left him mostly alone in his dorms, or making sure the wolf didn't make another move on sweet Charity or stopping Frank from freaking out at the mere mention of end of the term exams.

" I know Im ganna fail, no doubt. And I already upset ma and pa cause I ended up near the last in our year! And Alice smacked me yesterday cause I forget about her birthday and Charity told me how I am dumb to forget about her birthday and that she maybe consider befriending Lupin and Marlene glares scare me ( her glares riveled his future past proffessor self, who wouldn't fear?)…."

Yep, story of his life. Also he had to prepare several potions for Emerald. He had no idea a bird could be this bothersome! Lucky him, Slughorn had no idea he was kind of a potion master in his own right, and had supplied the potion for an exchange of one or two feather.

So it was no wonder he was nervous to go back. He had to take the train, then his mother was going to pick him up. Emerald had offered several times to come with him, although she was little more than a birdling ( was it even a word?) and could perhaps fly 10 meters uninterupted max.

" I can not put you in danger too. You already gave up your everything trying to bring back my memories to past, and what if Tobias was home? I can deal with him but.."

He couldn't not remember the way he had gotten rid of his pet dog, which was really a stray he found. Some days he thought if the poor thing was better left alone starving than face whatever Tobias did to it. He even tried to be brave and tell his head of house or Madam Pomphery, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Just imagining the pitty looks he was to receive from his proffessors, ones he had worked with them as a colleage made his stomach hurt. One could argue that he could inform the Bonses, or Longbottoms, or even Prewatts, but he couldn't do that too. They would see him as a leech, a parasite who only saved their children to gain something from it later. He had endoured it once and lived to tell the tale, why would a second time matter?

He had mixed memories of the future that wouldn't come, and this time, it was hell lot of confusing sometimes. He was about to call Minerva, Minerva six times, sit beside Albus four times and go to Slughorn office to prepare ingredients seven times. Emerald said with his mind attempts to hold back the worst of memories, the magic that She had used to bring them and Emerald herself protecting his mind from dissolving into its self, there would be more accidents bound to happen.

" you had many many memories unsutable for a young child, some so grusome that Tobias abuse was just a walk in the park compared to that. To suppress them, the worst of them until a time your occlumeny is up to previous standard, it is only normal that some would escape."

Now he was tapping his leg impatiently, waiting for his mother to pick him up from the Londen station. As much as he wanted to think it was all like what Eileen told in his letters, he couldn't be certain. She wrote that Tobias had found a job, that she had GOOD news to share and Tobias was not as unhappy as he was last summer.

Last summer.

When he was younger, a little lad of 7 , he could remember a number of happy things. His mother teaching him latin, his father buying him a new uniform for his first year of schooling. Maybe on those days Tobias thought-or fooled himself- he could prevent him from going to 'freak school'. Severus had a finer control of his magic then, and no accidents happened in that year or the year before. He could recall his mother smiling, occasionally wearing a lip stick. things were smooth enough Severus considered returning to muggle world and continue his studies in chemistry or biology.

When he had gone to second grade, the bulling –he was really a know it all then- started, and so, his accidental bouts of magic.

After that?

Yes, he could remember Tobias having a handful of good days, days he limited his drinking. Days he had a steady income and there was actual food in the fridge.

But those days always followed by a more violent turn, usually with him sporting a handful of bruises and Eileen wearing long sleeved shirts. While most days were not ideal, and were filled with terrible words and things a kid should never hear, they were verbal or emotional.

" what good you freaks are if you can't magic money?"

" I work damn hard to feed your bottomless stomaches and you spent my money on hucus pocus shit"

" you will never go anywhere you worthless shit, you be lucky to get a job as a hooker, oh wait, sodding shit you are, don't have the looks"

He conviently forgot that his skinny looks, the hooked nose and the haunted look in his eyes were due to his upbringing, the things done to him as a child by Tobias himself.

And there she was, the bane of his existance, the negligent mother who should not be called one if Severus had a say in it.

Eileen was tall for a woman, with bottomless dark eyes and dark long black hair pulled into a loose bun. For once in her life, She was dressed correctly for a muggle. And did wonders never cease? The dress was not either green or purple, but a soft rose color and had no holes or stitches. Looked to be new too. Eileen herself had gained a pound or two, because her high cheekbones did not look like she had been starved and instead made her look regal, poised. She was assessing him critically too, as if questioning his new shirt or his not hooked nose.

" come"

Yes, it seemed she hadn't changed much in that regard, still hard as a stone. No "hello son" or " welcome back" or " missed you". Yay for him. Just order your kid- who you have not met since SEPTEMBER and had a close call with death- like a dog around. Come, go, sit, now chase your tale. Story of his life really.

Severus sighed and followed her, what choice did he have but that?

She would not attempt an apparition, not side along at least. She was so rusty it might splinch Severus or herself quite badly, and saint mungo wasn't cheep.

It was free for muggle-borns, one of the reasons Severus hated them so much. There were lots of purebloods and half bloods and even squibs who couldn't afford, and the rate of exchange between muggle money and galleons were in favor of muggles, but of course "THE POOR MUGGLE SHITS" needed that more.

Some times he really wanted the dark lord's promises to be true. But years under his tyranny taught him that everyone was just lusting after money or power for themselves, not to share with others or to benefit the poor.

Just when they settled in their seats in the ancient bus, she spoke again:

" Severus we have to talk, before we go home."

Oh, yes, how much Severus loved their chats. How he liked being told that her misery was because of him, that before Severus was born everything was rainbow and sun shine and how sun came out of her husband's arse.

How Severus accidental magic turned their life upside down, how he should behave and obey his so called father and all those stupid things.

So what would she berate him this time? Being sorted in Hufflepuff? Not asking for money from Bonses and Longbottoms for his good deeds?

She had such a bizzar notion of what was right or wrong. Setting magic aside for an addict like Tobias was fine, never talking about it ever was fine, but him not landing in Slytherin?

Absolutly not fine.

Him wearing second hand robes and using her outdated books was OK, yet Severus not sending money was not. Severus was told to go into slytherin, find some powerfull allies and get money. Beg for it, work for it, write other people essays or help in infirmary, she did not mind.

Accordinf to her, all kids in cokeworth worked when they reached 10, and Severus was long overdue. Nevermind those kids SAVED what they earned for themselves, or they mostly delivered newspaper or washed cars and jobs like that. Not like brewing potions for others, or writing their homework. Not like that earned money being spent on more booze for his bastard of a father.

Severus wondered if she was jealous of him, because she was not this unpleasant when he was younger. As the years passed and he reached the age of 11, her resentment grew. She turned bitter, twisted. She forgot she had a son and saw him a rivel.

Was she talking?

She continued " now"

Severus turned his head at her voice, now? As much as he knew, Eileen rarly used magic these days and a privacy spell was not in her list of capabilities. And talking about any of her preferd topics was out of questions.

" what about?" he asked.

Eileen said as emotionlessly as possible: " I am with child, it's a girl. I have gone to …hosptial and there is a high chance she is normal"

Severus world turned on its self. Pregnat? How?

This never had happened!

Or ….

Did it happen and he was not aware? He had not been invited home for easter then. He had not wrote Eileen letters then to soften her and ask to go to a party in new year. He had stayed in his dorm, catching up with his studies.

Eileen did not even talk with him those days, just a nod or shake of head. Now she had talked more than she was used to.

And normal. As in squib. Did she change that much to consider magic, herself and Severus abnormal? She had distanced herself that much?

Severus was aware that neither Eileen nor Tobias wanted a boy. That he had a twin sister who was born dead. He even suspected much of Eileen resentment towards him was because she saw him as the culprit. Tobias had named her Tara, but not him.

He had been named by his mother, Tobias did not come to see him until he was 10 days old. Eileen had thought both her children were magicless, that happened in twin cases with a witch and a muggle in 6 out of 10 pregnancies. So she kept mum about all magic things, until he was 2 and moving his toys with magic.

And that opened the pandora box that was 'the talk' about Magic, witchcraft and wizardry.

Tobias drinking which had started when they had lost his twin sister, esclated then and continued to do so in the years that followed. The coke factory going bank-rupt and shortening the list of its staff to avoid a bigger debt did not improve their life situation.

" Tobias found a job in a store, he has been clean since he found out about her, so don't ruin it"

Her voice rang in his head, echoed .

Don't ruin it.

Don't ruin it.

Severus was numb with grief when they arrived to Spinner's end.

Don't ruin it…