AUTHOR NOTE
+WARNING++WARNING++WARNING++WARNING++WARNING++WARNING+
This story is intended as a over the top parody and comedy. It is in direct rebuttal of those who claim that Ron's abusive picking on and bullying of Hermione was evidence that he loved her. Since he also acted that way to his sister he must have loved her too right? It is not serious.
RATED M (NSFW) as a safety due to Ron and Ginny having a relationship. Takes place in a very AU. I Disavow any claim that this exists. I disavow that I even said that I disavow this. I know nothing.
-+WARNING++WARNING+-+WARNING++WARNING++WARNING++WARNING+
Dennisud: It came from a story that is in my works in progress folder on the hard drive. Another one that I started got only so far and then walked away from as I lost any idea of where I was going.
N0wa5t3r: As I said to Dennis that came from an unfinished and probably dead story I had on my hard drive. The basic plot was that Harry discovered he was being lied to and manipulated by two dark lords Dumbledore and Riddle. Hermione was caught in the middle because she was his friend and due to circumstances the only way to save or protect her was by marrying her. Luna got dragged along as she had the ability to see the future and warn them. He had begun to form a family with Neville as his brother because Ron it turned out was a bastard of Malfoy's paid to be his friend and placed with the Weasleys. I got like clear up to the second task finished before it jumped the rails. I have so many ideas in my head that by the time I get home from driving to the store I make Alice look like a slow kid.
Jadesabrexiv: Thank you. If you can set the slapback for Jan 1 1992 I'd appreciate it. Glad you liked it.
It was a fine spring day in May of 1997. The closing of their sixth year at Hogwarts was fast approaching. The Gryffindor Quidditch team had managed to convince Ginny Weasley to allow herself to be raffled off for a date at the next Hogsmeade weekend. It was a morale boosting charity fundraiser they claimed. The war was still in its cold phase. Minor disappearances and occasional skirmishes were all that was going on. The Ministry had not fallen and Dolores Umbridge was still lost in the Forbidden Forest being passed around the Centaurs like a doobie at a Grateful Dead concert.
The time for the drawing came and Harry held up the jar with the tickets. Ginny was the one that was going to pull the name out. She reached in felt around a bit then pulled out the ticket handing it to Harry.
He looked at the name then started laughing. "Ron Weasley." He announced.
Ginny glared at her brother then started shouting at him. "What in the name of Merlin is the bright idea you bright prat."
Ron glared back, "Hey I wanted to make sure none of these jolly jokers got any bright ideas alone in Hogsmeade with you."
"I can handle myself you nimrod. Now let's redraw. She turned to Harry to see him holding an empty bowl.
Hermione explained, "According to school rules any drawing must be open to all students and once the draw is completed it is declared valid and final. There is no redraw."
"You mean I have to go on a date with my own brother!" She huffed.
"Well technically its not a date but a day. In Hogsmeade. Together. Hanging out."
She shook her head glaring at Hermione. Her long red hair cascading as she crossed her arms. Ron crossed his. Everyone else wandered off laughing at the way things worked out. Some of them complaining that the drawing was rigged and this was all planned. Over all though everyone went to bed that night feeling sorry for Ron as he was going to die tomorrow.
====xxxxx=====
Ginny woke up and wondered how to get back at her brother for this. Since he seemed to act jealous and possessive of her she got the bright idea to respond appropriately. Give him what he wants.
She put on her shortest skirt with a pair of red lace knickers, a tight white T-shirt with no bra and a zippered hoodie, knee high socks and her trainers completed the outfit. She tied her hair back in a ponytail and put on a little bit of makeup and lipstick.
Hermione seeing Ginny's outfit merely shook her head while Harry raised his eyebrows. Neither of them said anything as she walked by to breakfast. The great hall was whispering and giggling as she sat down acting like nothing was out of the ordinary at all. Ron was glaring at everyone and barely ate.
======xxxxx=====
Walking down the lane towards the village with a few other students Ron and Ginny kept quiet. Once they had managed to separate from the crowd Ginny took her brother's hand and dragged him off to a secluded portion of the woods that was technically out of bounds but not heavily patrolled.
"What's wrong big brother. I thought you wanted to go on a date with me?"
Ron glared at her. " I wanted to prevent any of the other jokers here getting any funny ideas and then you dress like this."
"Aww don't you like it? As jealous as you get a girl might think you're the one with funny ideas."
"I'm not jealous I'm protective." Ron was breathing hard and staring at her with a frown.
Ginny unzipped the hoodie letting her small breasts spill out. The slight chill in the air making her pert nipples stiffen. The shirt was tight enough she knew Ron had to be able to see her pokies through it. She expected him to go stomping off or to tell her to cover herself but his giving a slight groan and closing his eyes as he took a deep shuddering breath was not what she thought would happen.
"Geez Gin why do you got to be so hot?"
"What?"
"Hot. Sexy. God now you're giving me funny ideas."
She shook her head taking a closer look at him. He had grown up rather well and was she had to admit not entirely bad looking himself but he was her brother. She was his sister and yet looking at his crotch she could see that he had to be sporting a rather large erection.
"Ron are you seriously turned on by me?"
He sat down on a nearby log. "Yeah. I can't hide it anymore ok."
She sat down beside him and put her hand on his arm. "But I'm your sister."
"I know. I watched you grow up. I've been going mad the last couple of years. I've had dreams of kissing you and doing other stuff with you."
"Really? I thought you had a crush on Hermione."
"Yeah only her and Harry got together last summer. She gave him her virginity and everything. Bonding over a near death experience like that at the Ministry kinda makes them unbreakable."
Ginny's heart fell as she had a crush on Harry. "Oh. I was kinda hoping he would notice me."
"Well he thinks of you like a kid sister. Ask any of the guys in the dorm. We've caught Hermione sneaking out of his bed in the morning this year so often we just told them to not even bother sneaking anymore."
"Well there goes that idea. I thought they were just really good friends still."
"uh yeah. Reaaaallly goood friends."
"Oh. Well what about Lavender?"
Ron looked down at the ground picking up a stick he began to draw in the dirt. "We broke up. It wasn't working out."
"Oh wow. Okay. Sorry bro."
Ron shrugged, "Look I'll be okay if you wanna go find someone else and see if they'll spend the day with you."
"So who doesn't have a date?" She asked.
"Uh I think Colin is available. But then he's got a crush on Harry."
Ginny nodded with a chuckle. "Yeah. Well you won the raffle so I guess I'm honor bound to stay with you today. Besides. Hanging out with my brother has been an educational experience."
Ron laughed and put his arm around her waist. She stiffened a moment then put her arm around his relaxing. She leaned in and kissed him on the lips. A gentle slow kiss that held hints of raspberry from breakfast. He kissed her back. Turning to put his other arm around her. Their tongues met and slid into each other's mouths. When they broke they were both breathing hard.
"Whoa. That was unexpected." Ron panted.
"Yeah well I guess if I can't experiment with my own brother and be safe then who can I right?"
"Uh yeah I guess. Just how far do you want to go with this experiment?"
She considered for a moment then swung her leg over his hips straddling his lap. She took his hands and slid them up under her shirt so he was palming her small breasts. "I'll let you know when to stop." She said as she went back to kissing him.
=====xxxxx=====
Harry and Hermione were sitting in front of the Three Broomsticks enjoying a butterbeer on this fine spring day. Watching the crowds they had not seen Ron or Ginny yet. Neville and Luna joined them happily.
"Hey guys. Have you seen Ron and Ginny?"
"No Nev. We were just wondering about that. You don't suppose they went back up to the castle do you?"
"We just came from there. They were not in the great hall." Luna stated.
Hermione held her hand up and said "Pointme Ron Weasley."
A small glowing yellow-orange arrow formed hovering over her palm pointing due west.
"Hey is that the compass spell from the tournament?"
"I modified it over the summer to find a specific object or person when I cast it."
"Nice. I need you to teach me that." Neville admired the spellwork.
"Yeah sure. Okay he's about a thousand yards that way." She said getting up and starting off.
=====xxxxx=====
They soon arrived at the area the spell indicated. Moving into the brush off the trail they saw Ron and Ginny laying naked tangled together in post coital bliss. Hermione stopped and then spun around. Harry shook his head in amused wonderment "Well I guess I owe Fred and George 2 sickles."
"Yeah me two. This is kinda unexpected. Well we better wake them up." Neville said starting to walk past the still blushing Hermione.
He picked up a long stick and used it to jab Ron in the left nether cheek. He rolled over going "Wha who?" Seeing Neville standing there with Harry, Hermione and Luna behind him Ron blushed bright red. "Uh Hi guys." He turned to poke Ginny in the stomach to wake her up.
She opened her eyes looking around and noticed the others looking at her fully naked form. She smiled for a moment then realized that this was not a dream and they were really staring at her naked body, a body that had been wrapped and embraced with her brother. She began scrambling to put her clothes on.
Ron shrugged and moved much slower. Gathering his clothes and putting them on. He sighed, "Uh well. It's not really quite what it looks like."
Luna tilted her head, "It looks like you and Ginny had wild mad passionate sexual relations. Did you know you have a bite mark on your shoulder Ron?"
"Uh yeah that's because Ginny bit me."
"Sorry losing my virginity hurt."
"Yeah well uh. Sorry."
"So wait you guys actually had full blown penetrative sex?" Hermione spun around with her mouth open in shock.
Ginny sighed, "Yeah 9 times. Once I got used to it I didn't want to stop."
"You do know he's your brother. Right?" Hermione pointed out.
Ginny shrugged. "Well yeah. But we're pure-bloods so its okay."
Harry looked confused but Neville shook his head putting his fingers to his forehead he gave a backhanded wave as he turned to walk back to the village.
"So you willingly did this. No funny spells or potions were involved? With your brother." Hermione tried to get comprehension over this.
Ron shrugged, "Well you and Harry hooked up and I just I dunno. Lavender didn't want me back and Parvati said she would put a snake in my bed if I asked her out again. So. And besides what do you care you have Harry and he has you. I just want to take care of Gin and make sure she's happy and has the best."
"Yeah but. You. Are. Her. Brother." Hermione said slowly. Emphasizing each word.
"Yeah so?" Ginny and Ron chorused with a shrug.
Hermione threw her hands up and went off shaking her head muttering about pure-bloods and their weird point of view. Luna sighed and went off with her trying to explain that not all pure-bloods felt that way. Leaving Harry standing there trying to make sense of this.
"So Ron you and Ginny are now dating or is this just sex or is it some kind of weird joke?"
Ginny looked at Ron who smiled at her, "Yeah I guess if she'll have me we're dating."
Ginny smiled back and hugging him said, "Yeah if I can't trust my own brother to love and take care of me then who can I trust."
"Okay guys. Well uh. Its almost lunch so you wanna meet up at the Broomsticks?" Harry's mind retreated to the familiar place of food.
"Yeah give us a minute okay?"
"Sure take all the time you need." Harry sad in a confused voice as he turned and walked away.
=====xxxxx=====
Harry caught up with his friends as they made their way to the Broomsticks.
"So what is the deal are they just frak buddies or did they go off the deep end?" Neville asked.
"Oh they are a confirmed couple now." Harry said with a shell shocked expression.
Luna hummed, "Well they will be good for each other. Ron has been too jealous of anyone trying to date Ginny not to mention jealous of you Harry and Hermione. Ginny just was too shallow to make a strong commitment to anyone but the boy-who-lived. Which since you're just Harry that wouldn't have worked out."
"You mean you approve of their relationship Luna?"
"I neither approve nor disapprove. It is not my place to do so."
"Oh okay uh yeah that's great."
"It is. They do make a cute couple. Although I wonder if their children will have even more freckles. There must be some critical threshold that can be reached before the person becomes one giant freckle."
Neville sighed taking his petite blonde girlfriend's hand. "You know there are times I wonder about you?"
"I know. That's why I love you so much." She said with a large smile.
Harry and Hermione walked hand in hand behind them wondering just what happened to the world.
=====xxxxx=====
"So how serious do you wanna be?" Ron was asking his sister.
Sitting on the log running her fingers through her hair she smiled, "Well since I'm not on birth control and we fraked like rabbits we had probably better be really serious."
"Oh yeah but this was your first time. So you can't get pregnant that way."
Ginny smacked him on the arm, "Dummy you can get pregnant anytime you put it in. And you put it in 9 times."
"Oh shit so you could get nine babies." He exclaimed in shock.
Ginny stared at her brother incredulously, "How do you manage to walk and breathe at the same time."
"Hey now if you are pregnant you should keep calm and not get upset."
"Let me explain a few things to you while we walk." She said taking his hand.
=====xxxxx=====
By the time Ron and Ginny joined their friends Ron's head was swimming. He was very confused and shocked. Ginny had not bothered to zip her hoodie up so with her tight shirt everything from the waist up was on display.
"Hey Gin you do realize that the outline of your nipples is visible through your shirt?"
She looked down then shrugged. Ron looked at her and smiled, "Yeah pretty neat aren't they?"
"Ron have you lost all the sense you had left?"
He turned to Hermione with a baffled look "What do you mean?"
"Usually you would be screaming at her to cover up and yelling at any guy who was looking at her."
"Well yeah that was when she was just my sister. Now she's my girlfriend and I'm proud of the way she looks."
"Plus I told him if he wants to do this morning again he won't say a word about the way I dress."
"Oh of course that makes perfect sense." Hermione said turning to finish her butterbeer and wishing it was something stronger. She now understood why her dad sometimes said he wanted to turn the laughing gas up some days and just let the world slide by.
"Uhm About that Ron. You do know that Ginny is your sister right?"
Ron and Ginny looked at each other then nodded, "Yeah Harry."
"So you guys dating isn't going to be weird?"
"Well I mean a few people like you and Hermione are going to freak out or be confused. Nm,
Mom and dad might be a bit upset but they'll be okay in the end."
"Yeah I mean most pure-bloods are related in one way or another. Mom and Dad are third cousins. And great great aunt Agatha was first cousin to her husband Maurice."
"Oh yeah don't forget that his dad Martin was his own grandfather due to that time turner accident."
"Oh yeah. That's when the Ministry made rule 28 for time travel."
Neville shrugged, "Well uh congratulations you guys I guess."
"Yeah thanks Nev."
Harry just sighed when Luna looked at him with her Mona Lisa smiles and unblinking gray blue eyes. "Yeah sure congratulations guys."
=====xxxxx=====
Ginny had not gotten pregnant that day due to her time in her cycle. She was asked if her and Ron were going to be continuing their relationship and when she answered in the affirmative she was placed on the prophylactic potion. So soon Hermione was not the only girl sneaking into the boy's dorm. Neville got annoyed and figured out how to get Luna into the dorms as well. It did not take very long as Luna was quite motivated too.
Dean and Seamus moved out and started sleeping in the common room. Claiming that the risk of being awoken by something that would give them nightmares for life was far less.
=====xxxxx=====
"Guys you didn't have anything to do with setting Ron and Ginny up did you?" Harry and Hermione was sitting with the Weasley twins talking one evening while Ron and Ginny snuggled up and did their homework.
"No honestly Harry we didn't"
"The two of them have had a lot of unresolved sexual tension at home too."
"So we were not surprised they would eventually get together."
"I mean they were always bickering and fighting and hexing each other."
"That's the way true love works."
"Isn't it?"
"No actually quite the opposite. A girl wants to have someone who will treat her nice, respect her and be her equal in the relationship not expect her to carry all the burden." Hermione pointed out calmly.
"Yeah guys. I was starting to get worried about Ron and Hermione the way they fought all the time it was starting to border on abusive."
"Oh well. No need to worry now."
"Seems Ron and Ginny have their soulmates."
"Good to know eh that we saw this.
"We were right about you two as well you know."
"Yes but Harry and I are not related. We do not even think of each other as siblings. I've always had a attraction towards Harry due to how nice and sweet he is."
"And quite the adorable one he is too." Fred said pinching Harry's cheeks.
"Yes but Ron and Ginny are brother and sister. Your brother and sister. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"It means we won't have to change the monogram on the sheets."
"You're not weirded out by this?"
"Why not they are pure-bloods after all."
Harry and Hermione looked at the twins in annoyance but when Hermione glanced over at Ron and Ginny seeing him writing his essay she sighed, "Well I guess she is getting him to do his own homework."
"Trust Hermione to find that positive aspect." Harry chuckled.
They shrugged in synchronicity, "I suppose."
=====xxxxx=====
Draco had congratulated Ron and Ginny by saying it was appropriate for a Weasley to be in a relationship with a Weasley. They were the only ones who would have each other. Aside from that he shrugged and ignored them.
Most of the muggle-born students were very confused to see Ron and Ginny walking holding hands or occasionally bickering then making up. Some of the pure-bloods congratulated them though with Ron and Ginny getting a major boost in their respect. Especially the Carrow twin girls saying their father had married his sister and become their parents so they understood Ron and Ginny. The fact that they said that simultaneously in perfect stereo synchronicity without blinking did not seem creepy at all to the Weasleys though Hermione had pulled Harry in front of her when they came over to the Gryffindor table. Muttering something about redrum and crazy ass hotels.
=====xxxxx=====
The entire train ride back Ron and Ginny sat laughing and talking with an occasional smooch fest. Harry and Hermione being prefects decided to patrol the train at those moments. Neville and Luna were sitting talking to their friends so Harry and Hermione decided to sit with them for a few miles.
"So how are the lovebirds?" Lavender cooed
"They were checking each other's tonsils last we checked."
"Don't they come up for air?" Neville asked aghast.
"Occasionally. Although we have noticed they have stopped bickering as much."
"True Ron and Ginny do not bicker or fight anywhere near Ron and Hermione did. That shows they were far more compatible than Ron and Hermione ever would have been."
=====xxxxx=====
Molly Weasley was standing on the platform with Arthur when the students tumbled off the train. Harry and Hermione holding hands and smiling watching Ron and Ginny walk up to their parents while they themselves held hands.
Arthur looked at the two of them then at their hands then back at their smiling faces. "Whats all this?"
"Me and Gin are dating pops."
"Oh Bloody Hell." Arthur sighed.
"You two are doing what?" Molly choked out after a brief spluttering fit.
"We're in a committed relationship mom. I've already given Ron my virginity."
"Oh bloody hell!" Arthur repeated this time with more conviction.
The students and their parents had stopped and gathered in a semi-circle to observe the family drama.
"Young lady you did no such thing did you?" Molly screeched briefly before her voice rose out of the pitch for human hearing.
"Yes I did. We've been going at it like rabbits since this spring." Ginny confirmed with a glare.
"Yeah apparently I have a lot of stamina and vitamins." Ron said nodding vigorously.
"OH BLOODY HELL!" Arthur stated with feeling.
"It's okay dad. We're pure-bloods. That and we realized that since we kept fighting and bickering that it must have been love."
"OH! BLOODY! HELL!" Arthur said just before his right eye started twitching and he started making strange noises. Harry wondered if he should get his uncle so they could have a twitch off battle.
Molly noticed this, "Alright you two straight to the car you father's having a fit. We'll have to go to Mungo's and get this sorted out. Now march off you lot."
=====xxxxx=====
Harry was dividing his time between his house and the Granger residence where he was treated like a honored guest. Dan and Emma very happy that Hermione had such a nice decent, normal, well mannered, respectful and handsome boyfriend. They were afraid she might wind up with some ne'er do well lazy bum.
Harry was caught coming out of Hermione's bedroom one morning by Dan who looked at him briefly and asked if Winchester cathedral would be good for the wedding or would Saint Mary's in town suffice. Harry said whatever Hermione wanted would be fine with him was met with a large smile and the words "Right answer"
Harry received a letter from Ron describing how their parents had come around eventually and that he and Ginny were sharing a room at the Burrow. They were going to take her old room and fix it up as a nursery for when the time came.
Harry showed the letter to Hermione who showed him one from Ginny she had received as well. It said essentially the same thing only had several paragraphs detailing Ron's prowess in the bedroom which made Harry queasy. Hermione had apologized for some of the stains on the parchment as she had vomited profusely when reading that.
=====xxxxx=====
They came back to school and Dumbledore asked Harry for his help with analyzing the story of Riddle's life. Which took about an afternoon on a rainy Saturday. Hermione was with Harry as Harry insisted she would be by his side in any fight since she already had been for the last six years.
They discussed it and determined that he had made multiple Horcruxes, that he had an insane obsession with the school and the founders and that any other items would be related to them. His family ring might also be a possibility. Dumbledore said he knew where the Gaunt home was located and they could check there.
Soon they had a field trip with their headmaster and had recovered and destroyed the gaunt ring. The fact Hermione had slapped it out of Dumbledore's hands to prevent him putting it on when he went into full fledged Gollum mode as she called it was something she kept apologizing for. The headmaster had to threaten to dock points if she apologized one more time.
=====xxxxx====
"Luna do you know anything associated with Rowena that might be considered a treasure?"
"Well there is the Lost Diadem."
"What's that?"
"It is a magic item Rowena created to help enhance the wits and mental prowess of anyone who wears it. Her daughter stole it and then vanished."
"Well that's helpful. Too bad we can't ask her where it went."
"We can Harry. She is the Grey Lady of Ravenclaw."
"Really?"
"Yes. We could ask her."
A trip to the Ravenclaw common rooms later and Hermione was panting over the private library the Ravenclaws had and Harry was made aware of the complete history of the Diadem and Voldemort's involvement with it. She had mentioned that it was in the castle in the room that comes and goes.
Once they dragged Hermione away from the books and diaries, only after Luna promised she could come back, they found the room and did the required right of a jump to the left then a step to the right.
=====xxxxx=====
Looking around the junk heap that was the room of hidden things, aka the world's largest junk drawer, Hermione sighed. "Its going to take forever to find it."
"Not forever. Merely 1697 years. Assuming a cubic volume of 80,000 cubic feet stacked in..."
"Not HELPING Luna." Hermione growled as her point me spell failed to find the diadem.
Harry rubbed her shoulders. "No need to snap Luna's head off Mione. He chose this room on purpose. Well let's split up and search for clues."
Luna and Neville went left, Ginny and Ron went right and Harry and Hermione went straight.
After an hour of searching they literally stumbled into a pile of diadems. Diadems to the left of them, Diadems to the right of them, Diadems to the front of them. Half a pile and half a pile more.
"Well this is great. Now what?"
"I'm not sure which one is the proper one." Luna said frowning at them.
"Hey couldn't you like touch all of them and the one that causes your scar to hurt is the one?" Ron suggested.
"What happened to your voice Ron?"
"Oh me and Ginny stopped and got distracted by this naughty underwear section we found. She's going through it to see if anything fits."
"And this affected your voice?"
"Well you didn't see her in this one bra."
"Nevermind. Nevermind..."Hermione started waving her hands to shut him up.
"I thought her breasts were small enough not to require one." Luna said ignoring Hermione's growling grimace.
"Yeah well they aren't and she goes without most of the time but it's like Christmas, you enjoy unwrapping the presents..."
"I shall have to consider that." Luna said thoughtfully to Neville's growing excitement in her tone of voice.
"COULD. WE. PLEASE. FOCUS." Hermione slowly shouted with her eyebrow starting to twitch. Harry wondered if there was a curse that caused that or maybe Luna's wrackspurts.
"Sorry." Everyone said as she looked at the huge pile of silver head wear.
"Okay well there is a spell that I have learned about that would do the job but it would also destroy everything in the room."
"Yeah so shouldn't we leave the room then?"
"That would probably be a good idea."
"Uh wouldn't that be like dangerous to the castle man."
"No Ron. The castle is enchanted so that anything short of a nuclear bomb going off will not damage it."
"Oh that's like cool then. Yeah. Hey I'll go see what Ginny found and meet you up front." he said turning and wandering off.
Hermione watched him go, "There is seriously something wrong with that boy."
"I think its the freckles. They have begun to enter his brain." Luna intoned.
Retreating the the front door Ginny and Ron came up carrying several bags with naughty lingerie and goblin made sex toys. Ginny and Luna left discussing sharing or trading.
Hermione shoved everyone out the doors and focusing her anger and frustration cast into the room a huge gout of fire. They closed the door as the fire formed into large figures of demonic winged creatures.
"What was that?" Harry exclaimed.
"Oh it was a spell called Fiendfyre. I found it in a book in the library about how to deal with cheating husbands. It summons a semi sentient fire from the very depths of hell itself."
"And this was in a book about how to deal with cheating husbands."
"Yes. Apparently the author was a rather enthusiastic supporter of Monogamy."
Harry could hear the capital letter on that word so he gave any ideas of a harem up instantly. Especially hearing the snapping roaring sounds that came from behind the doors before they faded out.
=====xxxxx====
The students went home for the summer. Only Harry went to Grimmould place. The house he had inherited from Sirius. Since Voldemrot was back and had used Harry's blood he could visit the Dursleys at will with impunity Hermione had pointed out. Dumbledore had begun to argue then realized that she was correct so sulked off to groom his beard.
Hermione and his friends had come over to help him go through things and clean. Kreacher the house elf responded to Hermione's polite and friendly overtures by biting her on the ankle. She kicked him so hard that he flew into the painting of Sirius' mother and stuck.
"Well that's an improvement at least."
They found in his possession an ancient locket that made Harry's scar crawl. Figuring out that it was one of the Horcrux they needed to destroy it. Only how would be the problem.
"Well we'll have to contact the order and get some help."
"Yeah. They can work on that."
Dumbledore came and brought the sword of Gryffindor with him. Harry opened it to have a specter appear and whisper horrible painful thoughts to each of them. Luna though picked the sword up and stuck the locket with it. She turned to see Dumbledore kneeling asking someone named Arianna to forgive him, Ron was crying in Ginny's arms and Harry was curled on the floor calling for his mother.
"Harry the bad spirit man has gone away you can pull yourself together now."
"Oh okay Luna. You sure."
Putting the sword on her shoulder she huffed, "Yes Harry. Now please get some balls and pick yourself up or you can't have any pudding."
"Okay Sorry."
=====xxxxx=====
Dobby had been sneaking into the Malfoy estate to stir the other elves up into rebellion. Bringing them tales of how the Potter's treated elves and how freedom felt so good. There were no beatings and one could do their own work after they got off work. He overheard the dark lord telling Bellatrix to go and ensure that the thing he had given her to keep safe was still safe.
Dobby followed her and when she entered the vault and checked on the cup he snagged it and blinked out. Bella's quick relfexes put a knife in his back.
Landing in front of Harry he fell to his knees.
"Dobby what happened?"
"Mistress Bella gave Dobby a knife. Dobby is dead!" He managed to gasp out before falling face first on the ground.
Harry grabbed Dobby and started crying, "NOOOOOOOO!" He intoned to the heavens.
Dobby opened his eyes, "Not so loud okay?"
"Dobby your death will not be in vain. We shall avenge you!"
Dobby yawned and scratched his back dislodging the knife, "Actually sir I'm feeling quite a bit better."
Harry looked down at the dead elf, "I miss you already Dobby. Sometimes its as if I can still hear your voice!"
"Well yeah. I'm talking to you here."
"I'll never forget you Dobby." He carried the elf to a window box and placed him tenderly in it.
Dobby sighed, "Okay Boss. I'll see you later."
Scooping up the cup Harry ran to Hermione with it.
"Dobby gave his very life to bring this cup to us."
Hermione and Luna turned, "We already have a collection of cups."
"No this is an important cup. Its making my scar feel all tingly and creepy crawly. Plus she killed Dobby for doing so."
Hermione looked down at the elf who had followed harry into the kitchen. "Alright harry go call Neville and have him borrow the sword."
"Yes my lady."
"Luna is harry acting a bit more melodramatic?"
"Yes he had been brooding again so I gave him a special pepper up potion. I may have made a slight mistake with some of the ingredients."
"It will wear off right?"
"Oh yes after the oral sex."
"Oh okay then." She said and went back to the research she was doing.
======xxxxx=====
The cup was cleaved completely clean cut. Neville cared enough to not damage the table top it was on though.
They celebrated the demise of the cup and made plans to draw the Dark Lord out.
He made an appearance at the next Ministry meeting to take over the Wizengamut and the government. Not bothering with an out of the way school and some kid that he thought might be prophesied to kill him. So far he had not had much luck killing him so he'd deal with it later.
The Order came to fight back and there was much combat ensuing in the halls, in the offices in the closets. They fought and fought. Neville managed to trap the snake in the elevator and stuck its head to the floor with the sword causing it to explode into ash and smoke.
Harry though was captured and taken to the dark lord.
"Welcome harry Potter. You have been a thorn in my side for far too long."
"Dude you do realize that if you hadn't tried to kill me way back when I was a kid none of this would have happened?"
"What?"
"Yeah. I mean you tried to kill me that activated the prophecy and now we're trapped in this stupid struggle until one of us kills the other. I can't freaking die otherwise. Trust me Hermione and Luna have worked out the mathematical probabilities and there is no way anyone other you can kill me and you have to use the Killing Curse."
"That did not end well last time." The dark lord hissed glumly.
"Yeah tell me about it. I got this neat ornament but you got dusted. So anyhow. Back the current problem. You want to try and kill me or shall we duel?"
"Lucius kill the boy."
"What my lord?"
"You heard me kill the boy."
Lucius stepped up and cast cast the killing curse. At the same time a large explosion shook the building causing a mirror to fall off the desk harry was kneeling beside. The spell hit it and bounced off hitting Snape in the groin. The expression of sudden pain and shock froze as he dropped.
Lucius tried again only this time he tripped on his robe bouncing the spell of the lamp on the ceiling causing it to come back and hit him in the face.
Harry sighed, "See man. You have to be the one to do it."
"Fine fine fine. I have to do everything anyhow with all these asshole and hangers on. Do you know how hard it is to recruit a team of evil henchment who want to take over the world and not have crazy bloodthirsty lunatics?"
"Hey tell me about it I have a brother sisterlovers, Twins that care crazy and finish each other's sentences, my girlfriend is absolutely brilliant but scary, her friend that I think she is friends with benefits sees imaginary creatures, Or rather at least we think they're imaginary and one of my friends is a gardner but he can stick you with a sword before you even notice it."
"Oh yeah Ron and Ginny we heard about them. How're they doing."
"Okay I guess. You heard of them?"
"Well yeah. Star-crossed lovers fated to be together. I mean they couldn't fight that much and it not be sexual tension."
"So you're okay with that?"
"Well of course they are pure-bloods you know."
"Oh okay. Well kill me now okay?"
"Okay. Although if this bounces back and kills me I'm going to be rather put out you kow."
"Well I'll apologize in advance ok?"
"Thank you that'll make me feel much better."
"Avada Kedavra."
=====xxxxx=====
Meanwhile in another part of the building Luna was being chased by Bellatrix fighting and zapping and destroying thousands of dollars worth of cheap replaceable scenery until finally Luna was trapped in a blind hallway.
"Well well my little pretty pretty. I've got you. I think I'll make this slow and fun. You know my little pretty pretty. Pretty little birdie."
"No I don't think you will. I think you're going to die."
"Oh and what makes you think that."
"The fact my boyfriend's standing behind you with the Sword of Gryffindor."
Bella cackled in amusement, "Oh and you expect me to turn around and fall for that so you can stab me in the back."
"Yoo HOO." She heard from behind her. Bella spun only to have a long hard object thrust between her breasts powerfully enough to pin her to the wall. Neville pushed forward putting his weight on it until he was face to face with her, "NO So I can stab you in your cold dead heart bitch!"
Pulling the sword back out with a shnick Bella slid to the ground. Neville help Luna off the ground. She threw her arms aorund him and checked his tonsils with her tongue.
"OH God that was sexy my warrior prince. Take me now. Take me hard!" She screamed.
=====xxxxx=====
Harry woke up in a vague smoky room. He looked around to see Sirius, His Mom and Dad all staring at him with grins.
"Wow good one. I liked some of those snarks there." Sirius said slapping him on the arm.
"Great job on getting him right where you want him." His dad was thumping him on the shoulder.
"Oh I love your girlfriend. I fully approve. When are you getting married?"
"Uh thanks Sirius, It wasn't intentional but okay and yeah she's great probably after the war."
"Okay good. Well we just wanted to give you this pep talk and let you know that the part of the main bad guy that's been trying to kill you, murdered us and all that jazz that was in your head all along."
"What!"
"Oh yeah. Dumbledore knew about this shit clear back in 1981 when we died." James said.
"I'm going to kick his wrinkled arse into the next dimension."
"Good idea son. Well better get back we're running into overtime here. Union rules for wisdom imparting spirits and such."
"Really you know how much it costs to buy airtime for afterlife phone calls. Its worse than international airtime."
=====xxxxx====
Harry woke up again. He struggled to his feet watching Narcissa helping the dark lord stand.
Harry's anger was boiling, righteous and quite wroth. He took the first thing he could reach and plunged it into the chest of Voldemort. Causing the now mortal villain to collapse and bleed out. Harry stood up looking at Narcissa. "Who's the highest ranking death eater now?"
"Uh well I think that's me?"
"Do you yield."
"Sure. Although you might want to ask Hermione if she'll share."
"Wrong story. You're not a perverted bitch in this one."
"Oh yeah right. Well I'm sorry and we'll all promise to do a lot better."
"Okay."
Draco stared at the red swing-line stapler protruding from his former master's chest. Wondering how angry someone had to get to manage to stab someone to death with that blunt of an object.
=====xxxxx=====
The word of Voldemort's death had gotten out and spread around the wizarding world in seconds as if it was psychically transmitted.
Harry ran into Luna Pulling Neville along with her. "Hello Harry. Congratulations on vanquishing the Dark Lord."
"Thanks."
"You'll come to our wedding next week?"
"Your wedding?"
"Oh yess. Neville is such a stud he impregnated me on the battlefield. Our child will be a great Elvish warrior in the ways of the ancient bloodlines!"
"Oh cool. Have you seen Hermione?"
"Yes she was picking out wallpaper for when she becomes Minister."
"Thanks."
======xxxxxx=====
Walking through the main entrance of the Ministry at the Atrium. Harry saw Dumbledore standing there trying to take the credit for the magnificent plans and all the long effort and training. Harry's anger built back up. He really needed to see a therapist for all his rage and frustrations and repressed anger. He felt his feet moving and the anger flowing down into his boot which soon connected with the old man so hard that he flew forward and in a burst of Cerenkov Radiation disappeared.
He grabbed Hermione and bent her over backwards, "Gimmie some sugar baby."
=====xxxxx=====
Dumbledore's atoms flowed and flew down a twisting spiraling energy tube. The wormhole carrying him onward.
Deep in a mountain under the far reaches of a mystical land called Colorado many klaxons and horns began to hoot. Yellow rotating lights sprang into action. Extras with no lines began to run around in mock efficiency and effort like they knew they had a purpose.
"Incoming traveler. No GDO signal sir!" The cooler buzzcut wearing sergeant controlling the ancient Star Torus declared.
The balding awesome general came up with his stock line #27, "Close the Iris! It could be a Goa'uld attack."
Multiple pieces of precision steel slid an atoms width above the event horizon of the Einstein-Rosen bridge commonly called a wormhole as Hermione would have said. A split second later a loud thump heralded the end of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Peter Paul Mary and June Dumbledore.
The watery blue light being projected on the back of the torus went out. "No reintegration. Energy reading stable." The glasses wearing true unflappable hero of the show stated.
"Very well stay on alert for the next 15 minutes. They could try again then stand down."
"I'm back to bed. I was having this really great dream." The wise cracking Colonel with one L in his name said.
"Yeah I know. All about unresolved Sexual Tension being relieved." The sexy yet smart blonde said eating the clothes off the subject of said UST with her eyes.
"OH man." The colonel said heading for a cold shower because he was too honor bound to break regulations, even the slightest.
"Well that's another mystery wrapped up." The glasses wearing geek said with a shrug.
"Indeed."
======xxxxxx======
Ron was sitting with his sister girlfriend wife to be on a piece of rubble looking around.
"You know all this began because we went on a date."
"Yeah I know."
"So that kinda makes us responsible for helping Harry defeat the Dark Lord."
"Yeah sure." Ginny sighed.
"So we're big damn heroes."
Patting his hand Ginny patronized her brother boyfriend husband to be, "Yes of course Ron. Now let's go home before they ask us to help clean this up."
"Yeah that would be too much like work."
=====xxxxx=====
The three pairs of lovers eventually got married and had children. The Weasley children having the normal number of appendages and eyes to Harry and Hermione's surprise. They went on adventures and had many experiences but those would be revealed in the Sequel "The Search for More Money."
The End. The producers of this hope that you enjoyed the preceding entertainment. Any resemblance to anything sane was purely coincidental and hunted down, shot, stuffed, and mounted.