Hope is a Dangerous Thing

Seven

2008

Minerva listened intently whilst Hermione read through some of the owl post that had accumulated in the past few days. She still wanted to keep her hand in the school business, as much as she could, which admittedly, was very little. Nevertheless, there was still much knowledge to share with her young colleague, and precious little time.

'These last few are well wishes to you.' Hermione handed her a small stack of envelopes, which Minerva put to one side, with the intention of reading them later.

She moved to sip her tea, giving a small sigh of pleasure, but noted Hermione had made no move to avail herself, unusually. Instead, her eyes were now directed towards the window, and she sat still in silent contemplation.

'Are you all right, my dear? You seem quite distracted.' Minerva kept her tone as light as possible, but she could tell by her friend's sideways glance she had not succeeded.

When Hermione finally did venture to speak, there could be no doubting the ring of accusation in her tone. 'Why did you never mention that you were in touch with Severus?'

Minerva straightened her posture defensively. 'He bade me not to tell anyone. And, if I may, you never asked.'

Hermione said nothing.

'My dear Hermione, had I known you and Severus had reached an understanding, hell, I would have dragged him back to this castle myself!'

Hermione let out a weak laugh and rubbed her face tiredly. 'There was no understanding. There was nothing, actually…'

'It can't have been nothing…'

Hermione waved her hand flippantly. 'A passing fancy, then…'

'A passing fancy does not smart ten years later.'

There was a resigned sigh. 'You are correct; whatever it was, I have never been able to truly forget it. It was a strange time and I think I let myself get involved in order to…distract myself from my own problems…'

Minerva watched her carefully, saying nothing, wondering how much she would be able to tease out this time.

'Of course, he was always such a puzzle, and then, suddenly, he was just there, right in front of me—totally unravelled and exposed.' Hermione shifted in her chair, considering for a moment. 'It should have been disappointing, really, that there was no real puzzle, in the end. That his story should have been driven by those commonplace, trite, emotions that blight us all in varying ways—love, regret, anger, resentment… It should have been obvious.' She smiled to herself, sheepishly. 'But, somehow, his story was profound. What touched me was this odd naivete that he had—an inability to really comprehend what he had done, and why he had done it. And… ultimately, what that made him, as a person—as a human being.'

Hermione looked at her now and there was a sombre turn to her expression. 'He thought death, his death, was the only rightful answer.'

Minerva looked away at that.

Hermione reached for her tea, seeming to try and blink away the heaviness in the air. In a moment, she continued in a brisker tone. 'But, to get back to the point, I thought it had all counted for something, you know? Why wouldn't he just come back, when he was able to? It's been ten years and then he just strolls back into the castle as if nothing has happened? Who does that?'

Minerva sighed at length. 'Dear, I suspect it meant everything to Severus, and that was undoubtedly the issue.'

At the doubting expression on Hermione's face, she continued. 'Severus has little to no confidence in his ability to inspire anything other than negative emotion. I am quite certain he would not have thought it possible you might even desire to set eyes upon him again, let alone spend time with him.' Minerva sighed again. 'Actions speak louder than words, Hermione, and that is Severus all over. You can read far more into what he does, rather than from what he says. Admittedly, it took me a while to work that out.'

They both sat in silent reflection for a moment.

'If there is one thing you must know about him, Hermione, is that he is desperate to be wanted and to belong, and to be loved, of course. He didn't receive it from his parents and he didn't receive it from Hogwarts. What does that do to a person, Hermione, to grow up feeling unloved and an inconvenience? How does it feel then to see how others live with love and happiness? How some are showered with it?

'Severus's only meaningful relationship was a childhood friendship that he placed far too much value on, because he knew nothing else. His entire well-being rested on poor Lily Evans. What did she know of the responsibility she had been given? She was a child. That relationship disintegrated, and then we know what happens after that.'

Minerva took off her glasses and rubbed a hand tiredly over her face. 'I have had to come to accept my part, Hogwarts' part, in why Severus joined Voldemort. I certainly tried harder the second time around, even though I was initially aghast when Albus told me he hired him.'

She caught Hermione's look of interest and she smiled, ruefully. 'But of course, it was all part of their plan, to which I was not included. Albus was convinced Voldemort would return, and he was determined that Severus should be our asset, be on our side, when he did. And to ensure that, he gave him a position— refuge. My job, of course, was to guide him as a colleague. Which I did, and I observed him, of course, I had to know who this man was that we welcomed into our midst. Except, I soon saw he was still little more than a boy, like a lot of them in Voldemort's thrall—misguided and alone.

'He took to teaching very quickly, in actual fact, and he yielded results. And after Horace, he was good for Slytherin House. I was pleased, I admit. They were good years, and I like to think that he came to feel he was part of something, finally. Everything started to unravel, of course, when Voldemort returned.' Minerva frowned at that. 'Do you know what's funny? Naively, I never thought Severus was to return to the Death Eaters. I thought, after all those years, that must surely be a death sentence. When Severus told me, I even pleaded with Dumbledore not to send him back.' She smiled at Hermione wanly.

'Of course, it all fell on deaf ears. It was the moment they had both been waiting for since the Potters were murdered. The long game they had been playing. They both rather cut me out of things, in the years after, as you know. When Dumbledore died, even knowing Severus as I did, I believed he must have duped me along with everyone else.'

She reached for her handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes. 'He always says that was the point - that we, like Voldemort, needed to believe he had betrayed Albus. But Hermione, let me tell you, there was a part of me that could not comprehend it. How could I have missed it? He could not have been that good a performer, all of the time?

'Well, he wasn't. Eventually, during that last year when the Death Eaters took over Hogwarts, I began to see. His actions didn't always add up, and too many times, I could see the strain. But… I didn't dare say anything. How could I?'

Hermione reached over and squeezed her hand.

'In one of his darker moods, Severus once said to me that I saved him simply to assuage my own guilt. Perhaps that is part of it, but he did not consider that I just might not want him to die. That his death would cause me great pain...'

She trailed off at that and Minerva found herself closing her eyes and shaking her head, irritably.

'Oh, forgive an old woman for waffling on, Hermione! The point is, I myself struggled to understand why he stayed away all these years, but I now know it was the best thing for him. He needed that time to find those answers that he did not have, and to find them for himself.' She paused for a brief moment. 'I also think you gave him hope, Hermione, and I am certain he never felt hope in a long time. He is a brave man, to be sure, but that would have frightened him.'

Minerva placed her hand on top of Hermione's and gave it a squeeze.

'All I ask of you, dear, is to please allow him a chance to explain. He is still learning, as we all are.'

Hermione got to her feet and immediately leaned over the bed, wrapping her arms around Minerva tightly. 'I will,' she whispered.

Minerva returned the hug with a grateful smile.

A/N: Thanks for your kind comments : )