He wasn't sure she was going to open the door. Her car was right in front of this room, and the blinds were closed. The rooms on both sides had open blinds, and she wasn't in them, so he was sure he had the right place. He'd knocked a couple of times and nothing. Jack knocked again, trying to listen for any movement. Nothing. He could call her, but it seemed absurd since he was standing here at her door, and she obviously didn't want to talk to him, and if that was the case, calling her would make things all the more awkward. Suddenly, he almost jumped back as the door flung open; he hadn't heard her coming toward it at all.
"Jack," she let out her breath slowly and nodded. "It is you."
He glanced at her with a questionable gaze and tilted his head, "Were you expecting someone else?" As he said that, he noted the reason she hadn't answered the door. He'd caught her getting out of the shower. Her hair was wet and up in a towel, and she had on her favorite robe, a navy one with a floral print on it. Jack didn't realize he was staring until she spoke again.
"No," she sighed loudly, rolling her eyes, as Jack met her gaze. "I wasn't expecting anyone else, honestly wondered if you were going to come. It's been a couple of hours. I heard the knocking, and I came running to the door, flinging it open quickly, and as I did, I realized I was just blindly opening the door in my robe and couldn't guarantee who was on the other side of it.
"Just me," he said quietly, gesturing with his arms spread wide. "I can come back if this isn't a good time."
"Don't be silly," she shook her head and gestured for him to come inside. "Let me at least brush out my hair so it can dry. Come on," she gestured again as he still stood there. Jack nodded and stepped inside, getting a whiff of Lisa's scent, her usual, wonderful scent. She used a lot of lilac in her hand creams, shower wash, and whatever else. He loved that smell, and this was no different. She smelled lovely as he stepped inside, and Lisa closed the door behind him.
"Take your time to do whatever you need, Lise. I can just sit and wait."
"You know my hair is better if I just brush it out and let it air dry. With this ridiculously dry air, it should dry in no time. Just give me a minute."
Jack watched as she walked back toward the sink area. He looked around at the room. It wasn't bad; it was much better than where he was staying, but that wasn't saying much. It was a clean room, definitely no frills or anything. There were two beds and a simple television. There was a small table by the window with two chairs. The room was tidy and not as dated as he would have expected. He wasn't sure what the bathroom conditions would be, but this wasn't too awful. Now, it was nothing that he knew Lisa would normally stay in. She was not a snob; it was one thing he loved about her. She could and did adapt to almost any situation. She loved the fishing cabin, and that was about as rustic as it could get, but she also loved fancier hotels and stayed at them often for work. Jack sat down on the side of one of the beds, waiting for what he knew would be a very difficult conversation. He hated having to have this conversation. He still couldn't believe Lisa had come all this way.
He looked up when he heard her footsteps and gave her a soft smile as she walked toward him, her wet hair now out of the towel, brushed out, and drying. The darker, shorter hairstyle she currently had was different. He didn't dislike it, but he loved her blonde hair, probably just as well she didn't have that going for her right now too. He didn't need to sit here and think about all of the things he loved about her with the conversation they needed to have. His eyes followed her as she walked around and sat across from him, facing him on the side of the other bed. She still had on that robe of hers, and the navy blue really brought out her eyes and even the darker hair color.
"I can't believe you are sitting here, in the desert of Arizona," Jack started talking, gesturing at her. He dropped his gaze, but quickly decided that wasn't a good idea because in doing so, his eyes focused on her beautiful legs. She was just a beautiful person all around, and he looked up to meet her gaze again.
"I can't believe you are sitting out here in this desolate place. Please, just tell me why in the world you came here when that other place was booked and was just a much better fit for you to rest and recover. You are looking a bit better than the last time I saw you, but Jack, this heat and all can't be good for you."
He frowned, nodding as he looked to his lap and back toward her, "I just couldn't go there, stay there," he told her."
"Why, because I booked it?" Lisa asked, shaking her head, trying to understand.
"Exactly," Jack nodded, gesturing again. "Lise, it's just too hard to sit around in a place you booked for us to go."
"You made that decision, not me," Lisa huffed. "And, for that," she nodded at him, her eyes locking with his, "I want some answers. Why did you send me away? I want to know why after eight years, we are here, a complete mess."
"You went to France!" Jack said, exasperated.
"I went to France because you told me we shouldn't go to Arizona together! You didn't want me anymore. You wouldn't even answer the letter I sent you from France before your heart attack. I thought that we might be able to work out things here in Arizona. Silly me."
He closed his eyes briefly, answering her as he opened them, "I didn't respond to your letter because I had my heart attack. I had only just gotten it." She narrowed her gaze at him, trying to decide what to say. Jack could see that look on her face and pulled his wallet from his back pocket, pulling the folded letter out of it. "I kept your letter."
Her eyes started to tear up, and she shook her head, "Why didn't you say anything about it? It's been this elephant in the room. I thought you would say something, and when you didn't and instead ended things," she paused and looked up, sighing.
"Lisa, I need you to understand that we can't be together."
"What do you mean?" Lisa asked, tears flowing now. He sighed, reaching for a handkerchief he had in his pocket and leaning over to put it on her left hand, resting on her knee. He clasped her hand in his as he handed it to her, and then, he sat back, pulling his hand as he did. "What did you mean when you said everything changed with your heart attack? You said that earlier today."
"Lise, I'm trying to let you go," he said quietly, frowning. "You have so much life left to live. I don't. I know you won't understand this, but I've pictured us ten years down the road, and I don't like what I see."
"What do you see?" Lisa asked, wiping at her eyes. "Jack, I love you."
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes hearing that. When he opened them again, she was staring at him, and he just nodded, unsure how he should try to answer that.
"I see two different images when I see ten years down the road. One, I'm not even here, and that is probably a much closer reality. I had a heart attack."
"You're not dead, Jack. You're adjusting to life after a heart attack."
"Life is short," he said with an almost hopeless shrug. "It's not like I saw a heart attack coming. Another could easily strike me again, even worse, things even worse. In the other image, I am around in ten years, but I see you spoon feeding me mashed potatoes. I can't do that. I can't be bed ridden with you there taking care of me."
She shook her head, confused, "I'd always take care of you."
"That's the problem!" Jack gestured with his hands, exasperated again. "I'm not asking you to do that. You aren't going to do that. Lisa, that isn't the life for you. You have so much living to do, and it's not going to be sitting by my bedside as I'm in some almost vegetative state."
"Jack," she frowned, "you aren't making any sense. No one can predict the future. Is that what this is all about? You are trying to save me from some life you foresee being a burden on me? I could easily be the one who needs to be spoon fed mashed potatoes. You and I both know nothing in life is a guarantee. If we have learned anything over these years, it's that we have to seize the moments, enjoy every single minute. Nothing is forever. We've built a great life Jack, or so I thought. I want that life, Jack, with you, and that is why I sent the letter and came back home, why I came here," she gestured around.
"Lisa, it's no secret you are a lot younger than me. You have all this life to live. There's so much for you to do, so much world for you to see and explore. You love that. You love the travel. You love living in France, and you need to find someone who wants that with you. I cannot give you that. Besides the fact I don't like to travel, I'm at the end. My heart attack is the constant reminder of that. Lisa," he sat forward, locking eyes with her, "It was wrong of me to lead you on the last eight years. I want you to know that I am letting you go for your own good. I want you to find someone who makes you happy."
Lisa, who had tears streaking her face, shook her head and gestured with her hands, "Don't you get it? I'm happiest with you! I love you, Jack. I keep telling you that, and it's not something that is going to go away or change. I don't want to be with anyone else. I won't be with anyone else. You captured my heart so long ago, Jack. I don't even want to be in France because you aren't there. I love my house, but it's a constant reminder of you, that you are not there enjoying it with me, and I hate that. I hate being away from you. I sat in my beautiful home just miserable, and that's why I wrote you that letter. It's why I got on a plane, came home, and drove all the way down here. All I want is you, Jack. It's all I've wanted for years."
He had his own tears almost ready to spill out and shook his head at her, "I am not worth your headache, Lise. That heart attack did change things. It was just the reminder that I don't have that much time left."
"Even the doctor said if you took care of yourself going forward, you could live a long and healthy life, Jack! Why are you dismissing that? I sat there as he told you that. I didn't come all this way to give up on us, and I've been going over and over things in my head, trying to figure out why you pushed me away, why you ruined our plans to come to Arizona, where I had hoped we could reconcile. It's this, isn't it? You are sitting here, feeling sorry for yourself, set on dying alone, whenever that is."
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself! I'm doing this for you, Lise. I need you to walk away from me, forget me because it's what is best for you."
"You are best for me! Don't you get it? I've been all in. I've given my everything to you and to the family. I love being with you, even with all our differences. I'd rather go to the fishing cabin than to some fancy hotel. I'd rather sit on the porch with you than go to any fancy dinner. Why are you the one deciding our future? Is it," she paused, searching his eyes and shaking her head before she asked him her big question, "Do you just not love me?"
Jack snapped his head up at her question, not even pausing to think about his answer, "No! That's not the case at all. I need you to understand I do love you and need to let you go because I love you."
"That makes no sense!" Lisa shook her head, crying again. "Instead of trying to do something you believe is noble, why can't you just see that we should enjoy whatever time we have together? I don't care, Jack, if it's five minutes, five years, or 25 years, Jack. I want that time with you. I'm so tired of all the back and forth we have tried to figure out over the years. It's really this simple-I love you with everything I have. You claim you love me, so why in the world are we fighting this?"
"I do love you. I need you to know that, Lise. I just can't stand the idea of ruining your life. You deserve so much better."
"You breaking things off is ruining my life. Don't you see that? I can't force you to love me," she paused and dropped her head, sighing. "I'm won't do that, but I am going to say it again. You are an idiot if you are just trying to push me away and live whatever is left of your life alone. You're miserable. I can see it. I'm miserable. I can promise it."
Lisa took a long, deep breath. Jack listened as she did, dropping his head. He loved her so much, and he was really tired of all of this. He was tired of fighting. She was the most wonderful person, and even sitting here with her now arguing, he was more content than he'd been in a long time. Oh, he missed her so much. She loved him. He knew that. He loved her, no question about it. He dropped his head, and the room was silent, both reflecting on everything. When he looked up finally, he caught her looking toward him, her head having been turned away too. He just shook his head at her, and she had more tears running down her face. That crushed him. He hated to see her cry. Jack sat forward, putting both hands on her knees as he locked eyes with her.
"I love you so much, so much more than I ever thought I could love. You've made me feel ways I've never felt. I can't' stand being without you, but I cannot be the reason you give up your life. People said we were crazy to date with our age difference, and we ignored that. Maybe we shouldn't have back then, but we continued on because we love each other. As the years went on, I hated the times we were apart. I've been miserable here, and it's because you aren't with me. It was wrong of me to make such a hasty decision and send you away. I'm so sorry I hurt you and did that. My heart attack scared me because I don't know how much time I have. I worry I have just days or months, and the idea that I would drag you through that, it's almost something I can't fathom, but sitting here, listening to you, I just want you. Lise, I've never been good at expressing how I feel. I know that, and I'm sorry. You were right earlier. I am an idiot. I've been one for a long time. I was an idiot to come to France and not tell you how I was feeling about it then. I was a bigger idiot when I tried to hide all of that from you leading to that massive fight we had. I just told you I was an absolute idiot for the Arizona fight and should have come after you then. I should have called. I shouldn't have let you go back to France, and I should have come here with you. I never should have cancelled all of the lovely things you did book here because yeah, it's been awful. I thought in cancelling all of that, I could not think about you, but all I've done is think about you." He paused, reaching to wipe her tears. She was choked up now, shaking her head, as she met his gaze. "Lise," he said, reaching for her hands now, moving his from her knees to taking both of her hands in his, "I am so very sorry I've hurt you. I've only been doing what I thought was best. I thought letting you go was the way to set you free. It scares me to think of you taking on me and all of my health issues. I don't want that for you."
"What about what I want?" Lisa asked, tightening the grip on his hands as she looked into his eyes. "You made all these decisions, but you didn't ask me what I want. I want you, Jack," she said, now almost sobbing. "I will say it over and over. I love you. I love you so much it hurts, and I'm not sleeping. I can't stand the idea of never seeing you again, never being around you again. What about what I want? I don't care about how much time we have left. I just want whatever time it is together."
Listening to her, he broke down, gripping her hands tightly and dropping his head. They both had tears flowing, and he felt Lisa pull her hands from his and pull him tightly toward her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and that closeness felt like home to him. Oh, he missed her. He quickly put his arms around her waist and pulled her tightly toward him, the two moving to a standing position as they gripped each other for dear life. Jack didn't realize it right away, but he had clenched his fist around some of her hair. He felt her fingers digging into his neck where she was gripping him tightly. He could hear her sniffling, and he was sure she could hear him still crying softly himself. She had completely broken him, and for the first time, he was glad about that. He'd broken down in front of her, something he never would have expected, but with all of the emotions of the last few weeks, it just came pouring out. He loved this woman with everything in him.
"I love you, Lisa. I've never loved anyone like I love you," he said quietly to her, and he heard her whimper as he said it.
"Don't ruin us, Jack. Don't be an idiot. Please let me love you. I can't live life without you. I don't want to, and I will only be miserable if you think you are being noble sending me away. My life is with you. I need my cowboy."
Jack pulled back to look at her face. It was tear-stained, and he gently put his hand up to wipe her hair from her face. It was sticking to her face where she'd been crying. He frowned slightly, "I don't know what the future holds, how long I have."
"I don't care, and I don't know those things either. How about we worry about that together?"
"I've just been trying to protect you," he admitted.
She nodded, her face shifting to look up at him, "Just as you don't need someone taking care of you, a nurse, I don't need someone protecting me, not in that way. I don't need you protecting me from some unknown future. I only need you to protect me in safety matters. We can both work on those things together."
"Okay," he said quietly nodding, pushing hair from her face again, his eyes locked on hers. "Living without you has been just awful," he nodded to her, resting his thumb on her chin. "I'm sorry I've been so awful. I hope you can forgive me."
At his admission, Lisa almost leapt at him, her lips locking on his, her hands around his neck again, pulling him tightly toward her. Jack responded, pulling her at him, deepening their kiss. It felt so good to kiss Lisa again. Oh, he loved her.
"I forgive you for being an idiot," she said quietly when they ended their kiss. "I need you to keep talking to me though and not shut me out. I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon, and that includes back to France. I am so in love with you and just want you, Jack. It's all I've wanted for so long."
He put his forehead against hers and nodded, "I can't promise it, but I'm going to try to NOT," he emphasized, giving her a small smile, "be an idiot." That finally prompted a laugh from Lisa as she grinned at him, nodding. "Being an idiot is kind of my thing, though, so I'm going to just keep begging for forgiveness. I am sorry I hurt you. I know I did. I have a lot to redeem myself. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about your heartfelt letter because it's been so close to my heart. I've kept it with me. It was in my coat pocket when I had my heart attack. Tim returned it to me. I had gone out that afternoon to think about your letter, to decide what I could say to you, and I was just really torn with our break up. That night I had my heart attack."
He heard Lisa suck in her breath at his admission, and while their foreheads were still touching, she looked down. He put his thumb under her chin and gestured for her to look up at him.
"I just want to be with you however long that is," she said again. "Living life without you is not the life I want."
"It's not what I want, but all I've wanted is for you to be happy."
"Can't you see I'm happiest with you. I'm miserable without you."
"Again," he said and kissed her forehead, meeting her gaze as he gestured to himself, "Idiot here." Lisa chuckled lightly, nodding, and she threw her arms around his waist. He pulled her tightly, and they stood like that, the silence allowing both of them time to process. He could hear her breathing start to slow and calm down after crying so much.
Finally, after they'd stood there holding each other for some time, Jack cleared his throat and without pulling away from her, asked Lisa, "Can I take you to dinner? We both need to eat."
She mumbled slightly but only because her face as buried in his chest. It was so wonderful having Lisa there again, against his chest where she belonged, "Can I ask a question?"
"Sure," Jack chuckled lightly, glad to be laughing with her. He'd missed this too.
"Is it back at that horrible place you are staying?"
"No," he shook his head and kissed the top of hers. He pulled back slightly to look into her eyes, "There are two steakhouses in town. One is good. One is terrible. I've eaten at one."
She made a face and started to laugh, nodding at him, "You've eaten at the terrible one, haven't you?"
"Is there any surprise there?" Jack asked. "This trip has been one disaster after another, and I'd like to start turning that around tonight. I can't promise it will be anything decent at all, but can I take you to the better steakhouse? We can get a good laugh trying to decide if it's edible."
She let a laugh escape as she shook her head at him, gesturing to herself, "I can't exactly go looking like this, but after this awful heat, I needed a shower."
He gestured with his hand still on her waist, shaking his head, "You look great to me," he winked. She swatted at him, another laugh escaping. He couldn't believe things had turned out as they had. She loved him, him. Yes, he knew that. She'd always been very vocal about that, even being the first one to say it all those years ago. What he'd been an idiot about was the fact that she only wanted to love him. She didn't want a life without him.
"Can you give me a half hour to put myself back together? It's been somewhat of an emotional afternoon. I could meet you over there."
"Are you sure? I'll wait. I don't mind."
She patted his chest, giving him a small smile, "I'm sure. I barely want to let you out of my sight, expecting you to do something only an idiot would do," she rolled her eyes slightly, and he chucked as he nodded. "I think I would just like to be alone to put myself back together. I promise give me that, and then I don't want to be anywhere without you. I hope you understand."
He kissed her cheek, "I understand you are very independent and sometimes need your space. That is fine. I can head over there and get a table, get us something to drink."
"Okay," she said with a nod and small smile. "I really love you."
"I know," he said winking at her. "I kinda gathered that and by the way, that feeling is mutual. I really love you too." The two embraced again, Lisa pulling herself up to him, kissing Jack again. He pulled her tighter, returning the kiss and deepening it.
"Plenty more of that," he said quietly, stepping back, winking at her.
"Plenty more," she nodded. "Plenty more to talk about over dinner, but happier things," she said, clasping his hand in hers. He looked at their hands, squeezing hers.
"I'm very much looking forward to dinner. Thank you for coming after me, for giving me another chance, the thousandth chance," he told her. "I should have manned up myself and come after you, but thank you. You saved me."
"You've given me so much," she squeezed at their joined hands. "I'll be over to eat as soon as I get ready." Jack leaned in and kissed her again, nodding as he stepped to the door.
It wasn't until he was in his truck, he put his hand over his face and broke down again. He hadn't lost her, but he'd almost lost everything. He had been such an idiot, and somehow, this deeply depressing face looked so much brighter tonight because Lisa, the absolute love of his life, had refused to back down and let him go.