Okay - I feel like the expectations for this chapter are kind of high, so I'm a little bit nervous about this one. Not only because I don't want to disappoint anyone reading this story but also because this chapter contains the most blatant smut I've ever written. You've been warned. I'll mark it again, though, like in the previous chapters, for those of you who would like to keep their minds clean and modest. I mean, actually, it's not that bad, I've read far worse (but good!) smut. But yeah, it's different when you write it yourself.
So, let's get over with it before I lose the courage to upload this.
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Kate walked through the door of her apartment and let it fall shut behind her. With a sigh, she dropped her backpack and the bag that contained the remains of her tent to the floor. It felt good to be home.
Yet it was strange. Everything was the same as she had left it three days ago, and still, everything was different now. Everything was going to change. It was frightening and also thrilling. And she didn't feel half as scared as she thought she should.
Maybe that was because it was Castle. He was a childish idiot, yes, but still, he was the one who made her feel safe. Or at least safer than anyone else. He was the one she trusted more than anyone else, and those last three days had proven it to her.
She wanted this to work, whatever this would turn out to be. Another sigh escaped her lips as she rubbed her palm over her face to soothe her tensed features. She needed to call Josh, end things with him, and apologize to him so they could both move on. She felt terrible for the fact that her moving on was already planned for tonight but she couldn't help it.
She longed for Castle to come over, longed to be alone with him, without so many pairs of eyes and ears surrounding them. Just him and her and the chance to figure out how they would take on this adventure they had started two days ago.
Yes, she needed to call Josh. But she would allow herself another small delay by taking a shower first. She felt the need to wash off three days of sweat and dirt, the little cat wash at the camp's sanitary cabin hadn't been so helpful. And maybe she could put together what she would say to Josh while she showered.
Thirty minutes later, she walked back into her living room, dressed in fresh yoga pants and a loose shirt. She needed to feel as comfortable as possible for this.
Her heart was pounding in her chest as she picked up her phone with sweaty palms. She had never broken up with anyone over the phone, and normally, she would never do it this way. But in this particular case, she didn't have a choice. Waiting until Josh would return in more than three weeks was impossible.
Taking a deep breath, she dialed his contact, bringing the phone to her ear. She fervently hoped he would pick up on the first try. She wasn't sure if she would be able to muster the courage to call him again.
The phone beeped once, twice… "Hey, Kate!" Josh's voice rang from the other end of the line, sounding sincerely happy over her call.
Kate's heart skipped a beat, surprised by his voice even though she had hoped to hear it. She cleared her throat before she could force out a "Hey."
"Are you back in the city already? How was your trip?" He sounded so happy and curious that what she had to do hurt Kate even more.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm back, just came home thirty minutes ago." She made a brief pause and tried to remember the words she had thought of in the shower. They were all gone.
"Listen," she started. "About the trip. There is something I need to tell you." She took another deep breath, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose to maybe dim the feeling of humiliation a little bit. Shame crept up her neck on her next words.
"I.. um.. I did something."
For a couple of seconds, there was nothing but static noise at the other end of the line, and then she heard a low "Oh." The heaviness in this one syllable told her he already knew what she was about to tell him.
"I am so sorry, Josh." She whispered and felt tears picking at her eyes. She didn't regret what happened with Castle, not for one second. But she hated how much she had hurt someone she also cared about.
"Did you sleep with him?" Josh asked, his voice dry and cold.
She breathed a shaky but truthful "Yes." into her phone. There was no other way to say it or softer words she could use, so it would hurt him less.
"And did it mean something to you?" The little hint of hope that still lingered in his voice felt like torture to Kate. Her words barely made it through her choked throat when she answered, sounding strangled.
"Yes, yes, it did."
Silence settled in again for a few seconds, the short time feeling so much longer than that.
"So, you decide on him." It wasn't a question but a statement. The hope was gone, replaced by stiffness.
A small sob fought past the lump in Kate's throat and slipped her lips. She felt so miserable for the man at the other end of the line, the other end of the world. But she couldn't change the way she was feeling. And no matter how much it affected her what her actions had done, she didn't want to change what she was feeling.
"I do." She said quietly, trying to make it sound firm but not harsh at the same time.
"Shit, Kate.." He mumbled, sounding defeated and angry at the same time. "And I suppose there's nothing I can do, is there?" There it was again, that soft flicker in his tone that made him sound like he would forgive her if she would ask him for it.
But she didn't even want his forgiveness. God, she really was a horrible person, he had every right to be mad at her.
"No. Josh, I am so sorry." Her voice was almost failing, even though she fought hard to keep it steady. More seconds that felt like hours, then she heard him sigh, hurt so evident in the small sound that it felt like a cruel fist crushing her heart.
"Yeah… Well, I.. um.. I don't know what to say." The sadness and pain now radiating from his voice was a terrible contrast to the happiness he had greeted her with. And it was far worse than the brief flare of anger he had let her hear. Anger would have been so much easier to deal with.
"It's not your fault." Kate blurted out. A pathetic attempt to alleviate the pain she was responsible for. "It's just..."
"Him." He interrupted her, his tone now growing tired. "Yeah, I know. If I'm honest, I've known for a while."
She had no idea what to reply to that, her mind was empty, and the only thing she felt was shame.
"Kate, I'm gonna hang up now." The words were cold and distanced.
"Josh, I am very sorry, believe me." She sounded pathetic. No, she was pathetic.
"Yeah… Me too…" He cleared his throat, and Kate could hear it sounded choked, the thought that he might be about to cry made her feel sick. "Well, goodbye, Kate."
A brief cracking and then an annoying beeping replaced the sound of his voice.
Kate let the phone sink and hang loosely in her hand by her side before she tossed it onto the couch. Running her hand over her face, feeling exhausted, she slumped onto the couch beside it and let the tears run down her cheeks without even trying to stop them.
She wasn't sad that this relationship was over. It never really had a chance in the first place. But the way it had ended… She didn't wish that for anyone and felt like her guilt was slowly consuming her.
Maybe she should call Castle. Tell him not to come over tonight. But thinking about not getting to see him hurt. Even more than the awful feelings that were tearing up her heart right now. She wanted to see him, tell him how she felt, and wanted him to take her into his arms.
Wiping the back of her hand over her cheek to dry the tears on her face, she slowly got up and walked to the kitchen. She couldn't change what had happened, and she had done the right thing to tell Josh the truth, how hard it may have been for both of them. And for her, it was harder than she had imagined.
But now, she needed to look ahead, even if it still felt a little impossible right now, her agitated feelings recklessly rumbling in her chest. But she tried her best to gain control over them. She didn't want this to throw a shadow on what she had with Castle. It was too precious and too important to her. Taking a glass from one of the shelves, she walked over to the fridge, pulling a bottle of wine from it.
Yes, she wanted to start this new chapter with Castle on a positive note. And a little alcohol to help her calm her nerves would surely be helpful after this horrifying phone call.
Castle picked up his keys from the little table by his door and slid them into the pocket of his jeans. When he looked up, he met his own gaze in the mirror and had to smile at himself. He looked like a nervous schoolboy headed to his first date.
Kind of, it was. At least it felt like it. They had created something at their little escape from reality this weekend in the woods, and he desperately wanted to hold onto it here, too. But no matter how easy it had felt on that little hill, hidden in their tent or between trees, here it was different. And it felt new and exciting.
His heartbeat sped up a little alone at the thought of seeing her again. Getting the chance to be alone with her. No one there to see or hear them, no judging glances, no one to ask questions apart from themselves. He couldn't wait to get to her.
"Mother," He called into the silence of his loft. "I'm going out, don't wait up for me." Again, he was relieved Alexis had headed to a birthday party with a sleepover that had been scheduled weeks ago. So, he only had to explain himself to one curious redhead.
He was already halfway through the door when he heard steps on the staircase. Grimacing slightly, he could feel his mother's eyes on his back. His plan to make a quick exit before she got the chance to ask her questions had failed. But when Martha spoke, her tone wasn't questioning.
"Tell Katherine my warmest greetings. And tell her we would love to have her over for dinner sometime next week." She said nonchalantly and with a smile radiating from her voice.
Castle stood frozen in the doorframe for a second, then slowly turned around with shock written over his face. Martha chuckled when she looked at him.
"Oh honey, I am your mother. I can read you like an open book. You should know that by now. And that scene at the parking lot today." Her red curls bounced softly as she shook her head. "Not very indescriptive, darling."
She walked up to him and softly placed her hand on his cheek, her expression so warm that it relieved a bit of the tension that had built up in Castle's chest. "I'm happy for the two of you. It took you long enough." She kept up the gentle gesture on his face for a moment longer as her blue eyes searched for his. "Now, better make it work." She whispered firmly. With a soft clap to his cheek, she pulled her hand away and waved it for him to go.
Even though Castle was slightly irritated by his mother's talent to sense things, he rather wanted to keep to himself this time, he couldn't be mad. He wouldn't accept anything else but for what he had with Kate to work. And he was too excited to get to experience it to be mad at his mother's curiosity.
"I will," He smiled as he reached for the doorknob, giving it a quick pull to let the door fall shut behind him.
When he climbed up the steps to her apartment, his excitement reached a new peak, but now, with anxiety that had built up on the drive here mixed into it. Countless thoughts flashed through his mind. Had she talked to Josh? Should he have called her again to make sure she still wanted him to come over? She hadn't called him, so that had to mean she did, didn't it?
He couldn't find an answer to any of these questions, and suddenly, he found himself standing in front of her door. Knowing he should knock, he stood there, unable to bring his hands to move. How strange it felt. This morning, she had woken up in his arms, and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. And now, even knocking on her door felt like he threatened to cross a line he had never been able to cross. Anxiety overpowered the excitement, muffling it with ease.
He swallowed down the fear that wanted to spread in his chest that these last few days could be all he would get of her. A little trip to a different world where they could work, and now, back at home the world was once again spinning in it's normal rhythm where they wouldn't fit in. But he would never find out if he didn't knock.
With tensed fingers, he knocked his knuckles against the wood of her door a few times, his heart beating in his throat. It took her a few seconds, but then he heard her footsteps on the other side of the door, and his poor heart was barely able to keep up with the frantic rhythm the sound of her coming closer forced onto it.
And when she opened the door, and he suddenly looked at her face, it skipped more than just one beat, stumbling painfully in his chest. And like she had poured a wave of ice-cold, sobering water over him, the fear vanished. The smile spread over his lips without a chance to hold it back. And taking in her face, he could see it was the same for her, her troubled features softening in a matter of seconds as she looked at him.
"Hey." He pushed out, sounding breathless and nervous, but he didn't mind.
"Hey," She replied, sounding almost a little shy. Staring at him for another couple of seconds, she finally made a little step to the side, inviting him inside with a small gesture of her hand.
"Come in." Without hesitating, he did and walked into her apartment, casually shrugging off his coat and laying it over the couch just to gain a little more time to take a deep breath before he turned to her again.
He felt her staring at him, and when he looked back at her, his eyes immediately met hers. Without a doubt, he felt the same connection as he had done every single time their eyes had met over the last two days. It was real. It wasn't just something they had felt on their trip. No, it was here, too, just as strong.
The breath he had been holding escaped his lips in a relieved sigh. "So," He started, trying to make his voice sound a little more secure, even if he wasn't sure what he was about to say.
"I talked to Josh," she said, her voice so tense that it was close to cracking.
His eyes grew slightly wider, and he felt sweat spreading over his palms. "Yeah?"
She nodded slowly, her lips pressed together as she lowered her gaze to her hands, the fingers of her right hand picking on the skin of the left one. A frown spread over her face, and Castle could already feel his heart sink. Maybe she didn't do it. Maybe he had interpreted all of this wrong. Maybe she had changed her mind.
"I didn't have to say much. He figured it out himself." She mumbled, and the words took a few moments to make it to his mind.
"Oh." Was all he could come up with, relief held back by the confusion he felt over the expression on her face.
"So, it's…?" He started again but was once more interrupted by her nod along with low words.
"Yeah, it's over." She looked up at him, her face still so troubled and torn that it pained him. "Castle, I feel like the most horrible person on the planet."
Like a wave washing over him, the relief won the battle in his head and made a soft and compassionate smile blossom on his lips. "Hey," He whispered as he walked over to her. Her gaze remained locked to his, even as he placed his hand on her waist, pulling her close to him.
"You are many things, but definitely not a horrible person."
She huffed and let her head sink so that her forehead hit his chest. Breathing in his scent, she allowed it to calm the tingling edges of her nerves a little. "Then why do I feel like that?" She mumbled, and he let one of his hands wander up to her hair to brush through the soft curls that smelled so familiar like cherries. The smell of smoke and wood was gone, he noticed with a bit of sadness.
"Because you are loyal and always want to do the right thing." He answered softly and felt warmth spread through his chest on the intimacy of this moment, no matter its occasion. She didn't answer for a while, and when she did, her voice was barely above a whisper.
"Did I do the right thing?" He sighed and softly pushed her head up by placing his fingers under her chin to make her face him. When her eyes met his, he saw them shimmering with tears. His heart started to feel heavy again.
"You tell me," He forced himself to say, knowing the smile on his lips had to look frozen.
She stared at him for what felt like half of eternity. He almost didn't expect her to answer anymore and to pull away instead. But she did the opposite.
Without her heels, she had to rise to her tiptoes, but it only took her a heartbeat, and then her lips were on his. They felt so soft and so utterly familiar, like he had already gotten to kiss her for years and not just for two days.
She caught him off guard, and he stumbled a step back but pulled her with him, tightly against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and now it was easy for him to sink into the kiss. It was more of an answer than words could ever be.
With a soft moan, she buried one hand into his hair, the other grasping onto his shirt at his shoulder, desperate to get him closer. The little sound was enough to make him want more than just this kiss. He longed for every proof she could give him that she was sure he was the one she wanted to be with.
He fastened his grip around her body and pulled her as close as he physically could. His other hand was still in her hair and held her head firmly in place as their lips clashed against each other, hunger and desire quickly taking over. God, he wanted her.
Like a bolt of lightning, the realization hit him that there was nothing holding them back. Nobody to hear or see, no Josh, nothing. Just her and him and all the time in the world to give in to everything he wanted to do to her.
He pulled his hand from her hair and let both of them trail over her hips, pressing her body against his groin before lifting her up with a swift movement. Blinking to find the way to her bedroom, he carried her through her apartment, her legs tightly wrapped around his body.
Kicking the door open with his knee, he found her bedroom only lit by the few rays of evening light falling through the mostly closed curtains. Just enough so he could see her. He needed to see her.
Without wasting another second, he lowered her down on the mattress, kneeling between her legs. Running his hands from her hipbones up her body and under her shirt, he frantically kissed her, unable to get enough of her.
Her moan vibrated against his lips as his hands cupped her breasts, pulling at the fabric of her bra to reveal the soft skin. Hastily, he pulled his hands away once more to shove up her shirt. She lifted her arms, and for a moment, their lips parted to get rid of the clothing.
She pulled on his shirt as he lowered his lips to hers again for a brief moment before running them down her neck to her collarbone, hot and leaving damp paths on her skin. She had come to the same realization as him when her body had hit the bed. No need to hold back.
She arched her back, desperate for him to open her bra, to cover her skin with kisses and touches. Following her cue, he quickly undid the tiny clasp and tossed the piece of fabric away. His lips instantly met the spot where she wanted them to be, and she groaned out in pleasure as he softly bit into the tender flesh of her breast.
She tore on his shirt more desperately to gain access to his skin, and he let her pull it off, his lips returning to hers like he was starving already after just a few seconds without them.
With her hands blindly searching for the button of his jeans, she somehow found it and quickly snapped it open. Frantically, she tried to push the fabric over his hips but wasn't quite able to reach it, his lips and hands still holding her down.
"Off," She groaned against his lips in frustration, and he immediately obliged, shoving his pants down to his ankles, kicking them off together with his shoes. Climbing back on top of her, he felt her squirm under his body, the friction of her bare chest against his making him moan into the crook of her neck as he kissed his way up to her ear.
Her hand ran up his back, her nails leaving slight scratches behind, but the feeling thrilled him. When her hands reached his shoulders, he felt her pushing him down, and it only took him a heartbeat to realize what she wanted.
He trailed his lips down her body, but it wasn't slowly. Desire left no time for slow now, and he would have endless hours to explore her body, he was sure of it. Hooking his fingers into the waistband of her leggings and slip, he pulled both of them down and left it up to her to shrug them off.
Placing his palms on her thighs, her skin so incredibly soft and warm that it made him tremble in anticipation, he pushed them apart and let his mouth sink to her core without warning.
"God!" Kate exclaimed in a strangled groan at the sudden sensation, grinding her hips against the touch of his lips as he ran his tongue through her folds up to her clit. The way her hands held onto his hair was probably painful for him, but she couldn't help it.
Pleasure overwhelmed her as he spun his tongue in circles around her clit, then pressed it down against it. She groaned his name as the muscles in her center tightened, her hips trying to pull away from the almost too intense feeling, but he didn't let her.
He pressed his tongue against her core again, taking in her taste and the feel of her body tensing and then crumbling underneath his mouth. She almost screamed his name, her voice filled with a kind of pleasure he wanted to believe only he could give her.
He pulled his mouth away and propped himself up enough to get a quick look at her. Her face and neck flushed in arousal, a slight red mark on the pale skin of her right breast, heaving with frantic breaths.
Staring at her while he pushed down his boxers, he saw her desire-clouded gaze wandering down his body to his groin, her tongue darting out to her lips in anticipation. He didn't even dare to blink, afraid to miss one second of her.
He took a hold of himself, stroking up and down his length slowly, the look of pure lust in her eyes as she watched his hand move, hypnotizing him. His eyes firmly locked on hers, he used his free hand to push her legs apart a little further. He lowered himself back onto her body, and she raised her hips to meet his, every second they didn't feel each other now torturous.
With a smooth stroke, he buried himself inside of her, and both of their eyes shut at their bodies connecting. A deep groan escaped his throat as he didn't wait to move. Quickly, his thrusts turned faster and harder, and the arousal became too much to hold himself up.
Resting himself on her body, he buried his face to her neck, their groans and moans mixing, relishing every sound they had to suppress the first times they had been together.
Kate's mouth found his ear and bit down on the soft skin of his earlobe, the sharp pain startling him and making him plunge into her with more force. Her head arched back as he hit just the right spot inside of her, and it didn't go unnoticed.
Repeating his movements again and again, he felt her body starting to tremble under his, her walls clenching down around him with fluttering movements. Feeling her unravel, he let go, too, and grunted his release into her neck before his body slackened completely onto hers.
He knew he was crushing her, but he was still blind and dizzy with arousal and needed to feel her just for a moment longer. Their chests breathed in the same heavy rhythm as he finally let himself roll to her side slowly.
"God." He husked between two breaths, turning his head to look over at her. Her hair was a mess, her cheeks a deep red color.
"Promise me it's always gonna feel this way." He mumbled, and the smile that lit up her face made his already racing heart jump.
"We should definitely try to." She chuckled, and he couldn't stop from leaning over to kiss her.
Silence spread between them as their breathing calmed slowly, and he searched for her hand to play with her fingers. Watching them intertwining, he finally whispered, "So, right thing?"
From the corner of his eye, he saw her nodding and felt like fireworks exploded in his chest.
"And you still think we can make it work?" He asked, feeling brave and optimistic after what they had just shared.
She remained calm for a few seconds before she whispered, "Yes. I do." Turning her head a little, she faced him, and he tore his eyes away from their hands to meet hers. "But Castle, if we try to make this work, I want to do it the right way."
His brow furrowed in confusion. "But I thought you had talked to Josh."
She softly shook her head, a little smile on her lips as her hand reached up to caress his cheek. "I'm not talking about Josh. I'm talking about us." The little word sounded like heaven in Castle's ears.
"If we give it a try, then a real one." She mumbled, "No holding back."
His confusion deepened together with the crease on his forehead. "What do you mean?"
She trailed her fingertips along his jaw to his lips, softly touching them. "I want a real relationship. No secret meetings, no hiding. If we give this a try, then a real one."
Surprise spread over his features. "Are you sure?" He would have expected a lot, but not this. "We could always take our time." For nothing in the world, he wanted to risk rushing things so that it might scare her away.
"We'll do." She replied and sounded so convinced of her own words that he couldn't doubt she deeply felt what she was saying. "But we won't do it in secret. I mean, if that's okay with you?" Brief insecurity flickered over her face, but he silenced it with a kiss.
"There's nothing I could ever want more," He whispered against her lips, pure bliss spreading over him as he felt so close to her in every possible way. "And I promise you, we will make this work."
He felt her smile against his lips as she slowly pulled him up on her body again. "I might start to believe you." She whispered. "But maybe try to convince me just a little bit more."
With a low chuckle, he followed the guidance of her hands on his hip, thinking this time there was no need to rush. They had all the time in the world.