It didn't feel like I was laying in bed anymore, but my slot in the mausoleum built by my thoughts. We were going on day three of enforced isolation, and I hated being idle. The clock on the bedside table said it was going on seven in the evening, but it could've been midnight for all I cared.
I tried normal things, dressing, brushing my hair, etc but my mind went back to wondering. For the third time today, I walked myself to the lower level where everyone else was. You had to scan your thumbprint to open the door, and I used to have no problem. Now I'm locked out of everything.
So lost in thought, I barely realized I had walked over to the living room's large window. The skies were clouded over and sobbing since yesterday. Who knew I could miss the stars so much when I hardly had the chance to see them?
I watched as a single raindrop slid down the window, emerging with a few others along the way until it disappeared out of sight. That's how I felt, always touching things but never staying in one place. An ache in my chest buzzed as I let myself think of the taboo, of being a family for the first time in any of our lives.
The image of two boys running up to me burns itself into my brain, since I never laid eyes on my sons I had to make everything up. If God was real and heaven was just beyond the clouds then I prayed the last thing to cross my sight was the four of us together.
The soft knocking on my door dried my mouth, inviting the person in without moving. By the sound of their breathing and the way, they smelt like freshly baked pie I knew who it was.
"Evening, Watari."
"Evening, Miss. Petrillo. I have a message from Ryuzaki."
"I don't want it."
Petty maybe, but if I'm being cut off then so was my services.
He repeated the message anyway, requesting my attendant up on the rooftop. The words sunk in but still, I stood in place. The heat from anger and hurt cooked my checks and dried my eyes, finally turning to face the elder man hanging around.
"Why does he do this, Watari? Instead of just telling me something, he hides from me."
When nothing was said back, I took the hint and headed to the elevator for the long ride up.
I was surprised to see my low-level access permitted me to unlock the rooftop door, though I wasn't sure why since I'd been invited. As soon as I step out from under the edge of the landing pad, I was soaked to the bone.
The rain was harder here than what I had been observing below. A figure standing lonesome was the only thing I could make out, everything else cloaked by storm. I cried out the moniker he was going by but with no avid. A soft sigh passed my lips, as I walked my way to his side.
"Ryuzaki, why did you put me on a low-level access?"
I kept my eyes on his profile, but his onyx spheres were somewhere else.
"I-I tried joining this morning's meet, but the scan wouldn't work. So I got on my laptop and saw that you revoked my status to visitor. After everything, this is where we're going?"
He still kept to himself, only the small twitch from his lower lip did anything. It felt like talking to a dummy. The scene in front of me playing out was a new one to me, and the chill entangling my spine wasn't from the cool rain.
"Listen," He finally said without moving.
"Can't you hear them too?"
The only noise out here was the pounding rain and our voices, so I answered honestly.
"Hear what, Ryuzaki?"
"The bells."
I laid my arms across the building railing, also getting lost in the darkened sight of mother nature. The uneasy feeling I've gotten quite a bit on this case bubbled up inside my stomach, unsure what to say. Taking the time to rack my brain to what L could be talking about when he spoke up again.
"They're particularly loud right now."
His words dug up a memory from long ago, the first time I'd heard that sentence come out of his mouth. A beautiful May day shines out our window, and the echoes of children playing outside together fill the void inside the phantom room. Watari and Mason just outside, doing something or nothing at all I'll never know. Noon suddenly strikes and the old church down aways rings out like clockwork. My then twelve-year-old heart pounds like mad, remembering what Mason told me once to wavier my fear; when a bell rings, God's given an angel their wings.
Coming back to reality, scooting closer to the man I've grown up next to. He had finally looked my way, the drips of water rolling off his locks like tears onto his pale cheeks. Normally, I could cold read him like a magazine but this time I was lost for words.
"Are you leaving me behind again? I…I can't take being alone anymore, Ryuzaki."
The thought of another eleven years always falling behind scared me to death, because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to go another round.
"What do you think happens to us when we die?"
The dodge of my statement was to be expected, but L's question wasn't. Like most, I had a theory to get me by. Heaven for the good, seeing missed friends and family and living among the clouds in peace. The worst of humanity cooked and fried someplace hot and forgiveness was never found. I explained it to L in softer terms.
"Why are you asking me this, Ryuzaki?"
The words tripped off my tongue, but his look said it all.
"I believe I'm about to die soon."
The painful prick of hot tears flooded the corner of both my eyes, knowing he wouldn't be saying it if he didn't have some evidence to support the statement. Thoughts and blame rushed through my brain, making it so almost nothing could come out.
"Is it my fault? How do I fix it?"
L placed his hand under my chin, rubbing my chilled cheek with his thumb, comfort for the both of us. Against my will, a single teardrop fell down my face as a reaction to his caress. He kindly reminded me that death waits for no one.
"It's Light, isn't it?"
"I have no evidence against him, Violet. It's just a feeling."
Bull. It wasn't just a feeling, he just didn't want to fuel my vendetta.
"That's why I've been shutting you out, I've had this feeling since Higuchi's capture. I understand now that I have lost."
I prayed he shut up about this nonsense or the dams in my eyes would break. He promised the decision to send me back to America was not a light one made, and it all felt like a fever dream. If I thought it would be any help, I'd beg him to not leave me. My walls were cracking and turning my vision fuzzy.
"I never thought…"
His words tilted my head up, moving his thumb at a slower pace.
"That at the end someone would cry over me."
I had to fight like hell to not blink heavily, moving my lids slowly, or fat globs of my sorrow were going to pour out all over my face.
L explained that somewhere in my bag would be a plane ticket and an envelope containing everything I would need once I was on my own, but I didn't want to be on my own.
"I'm sure you understand Watari is packing your things as we speak, and when we're done you're to leave immediately."
All I could do at that point was nod, holding everything in was causing physical pain in my throat and chest.
"Just one more thing, Violet."
Though I couldn't move or answer, he had all of my attention.
"Thank you."
L didn't need to go into any more details, I understood perfectly. He was saying the last year working together was wonderful, and a nice way to wrap up our story. It was just then I realized his thumb had moved to my lips, brushing lightly across. I had to swallow hard to send my sadness down, parting my mouth for a taste of his.
The crash was hypnotic, bittersweetness landed on my tongue. My goal was to fill my five senses to the edge of glory for one last time in this lifetime.
Taste was checked off.
I might have closed my eyes for the impact, but they were wide open and recording. Everything from the tiny twitch of his Adam's apple to coming in contact with his black galaxies.
Sight had been fulfilled.
As I'd fantasized about so many times, my arms slithered around his slim torso. Though his cotton shirt was heavy from the rain, the sensation of his built underneath soaked my fingertips. The muscle was firm and the skin soft, a perfect combo.
Nerve endings vibrated from touch.
The scent of rain drowned my nose in fragrance, but through all the trouble I could still pick out the naturally sweet smell of his skin. L always smelt like a bakery and this time there was just a hint of the bitterness of black coffee stirring around.
My brain was short-circuited from the mix of emotions and assignments my body was giving in this time of need. The outside world could be burning to the ground for all I could care until I felt his hands leave my body. I was about to make my complaint vocal when I followed L's turned head towards the rooftop door. Light Yagami was standing there, just as wet as we were. The normal kindness the corner of his eyes carried was a lot sharper now.
"Misa was right about you two."
"She was just saying goodbye, Violet is leaving tonight."
I said nothing, taking my cue to walk off. In an event of spite, I turned around to watch Light take my place, swearing my hatred if the game was over tonight.
When I got back to my room, the only things out of place were my suitcase and purse lying on my bed. Against the order, instead of taking off right away, I dropped onto the edge of the mattress and let out the tears I'd saved away.
Finally pulling myself together, I grabbed my stuff and made my way to the lobby. I should've had enough money on myself to catch a taxi anywhere. The elevator was acting up so I walked the four floors to the exit, following the movement by not thinking about the steps. As I entered the lobby floor, a strike of lighting a little too close knocked out the power, and a knot formed in my stomach.
A hard thump drew my attention and I chased it to the corner of the room, the sealed door to Watari's setup. The audible sounds of gasps leaked out from within, and the waterworks threatened to show themselves.
"Open the door, Watari. It's just me." I cried over the storm and whatever was going on inside.
The whole room became highlighted by red, and though I'd never seen it before I knew what it meant. Watari had deleted the whole system, and panic had rightfully nozzled itself into my blood.
"Open the damn door!"
I cried out but wasn't sure if it made a difference between the thunder and the noise coming inside. I kept slamming my shoulder into the door, making the whole arm ache.
"It's the button right next to the one that deletes files!"
It was surprising I got the words out with all the sobbing I was choking on. He didn't need me to tell him what the buttons did, I was wasting breath on the dead. My head spun at the realization of what was to become.
I wanted to cry, to scream hard enough to boil my blood. The muscle in my legs quit working, throwing me to the ground. It might hurt me tomorrow but right now there was too much pain to go around. With a small crash to the floor, my bags went tumbling after me. Even though I wasn't sure I saw it right, I could have sworn something slid out of my purse.
Wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeves to regain my sight, something did fall out. On further investigation, I read it was my plane ticket, but it wasn't for Washington, D.C. like I thought but for London, England.
I picked myself up, picked up my stuff, and headed on my next adventure.
Hatred dried my eyes but left my heart open.
And it could've been the extreme emotional distress, but I could have sworn two silhouettes were haunting these walls instead of just my own.