I wondered to myself if I could live with the pain.
I mean, truly live with it.
When I got off the flight at Southhampton Airport, someone holding a dry-erase board with my name written on it caught my attention. I knew the man I'd spoken to on the phone yesterday and that wasn't him, but I followed anyway.
The chilled English rain felt wrong against my hot face, knowing I might catch my death in the early fall downpour, but it was a much better feeling than what I had been sulking in. The driver placed my lonely suitcase into the trunk of his cab, leaving me to sit and keep my redded eyes glued to the window. I asked myself once more for the day if I could live with the pain, and again I couldn't even answer. I felt like I was drowning in misery, unable to mourn like I wanted. The taste of missed opportunities coated my tongue as the ghost of past kisses lingered around my lips and neck.
Without looking away, I rattled off the address I'd burnt into my memory before burning it literary. I wanted to go back a week when I was just mad about being shut out. Hell, I'd go back three days when I was soaked in the rain with the detective I loved the most.
The flash of Light Yagami's face, drenched in angel's tears as the tragedy plays out on the stage, turned my stomach. I forced myself to take a deep breath, reminding myself while revenge is a dish best served cold I needed to pick up where L stopped.
Besides, there was something much more important I needed to do this evening.
Pulling up to my stop brought back an array of memories, both pleasant and horrible and I welcomed all of them with arms wide open. Like a car crash, I couldn't pull my eyes off the tall iron gate blocking us from entering. I tossed an uncounted amount of bills in the passenger's seat, not waiting for change.
I rushed out and wrapped my fingers around the slick metal, feeling those memories instead of just seeing them. Either the rain had started to warm up or my tears were free-falling again.
I hadn't been to this place since the intelligence battle against the real Coil and Deneuve years ago, a time I still mostly think of with pleasure.
The small thump of kicking over my suitcase now by my feet drew my attention.
The cabbie was gone before I could say thank you, and I didn't blame him since I'm sure I was a sight of discomfort with the way I was reliving in my head.
Just like some sick magic, or the ghost of ominous warnings, carried on the wind was the sound of the neighboring church bells. I swallowed all my sorrow deep down, hitting the call button on the side of the gate.
"It's Violet Petrillo," I informed the box once it crackled to life.
It fell silent, as I didn't have to wait long to see a dark figure emerge from the large orphanage. Even though it had been years since I last laid my eyes on Roger, it seemed he barely had changed. The last time I saw him I was only an inch or two taller, but now I towered over him. His tiny, round glasses sat comfy on the bridge of his nose as the grey locks of hair clung to the side of his rectangular face.
He unlocked the iron gate quickly, wrangling me into the unsealed back door in the kitchen. The room looked just like it did back in the days when I'd have breakfast with Steve before work. I burned the image into my mind as we walked in silence out and across the hall to Roger's office. Only the light taps of rainwater falling from my locks made any noise or left a reminder of my visit at all tonight.
Once in the room, I took my seat, grabbing the warm fluffy towel waiting for me there. I watched in between drying locks of colored hair Roger mess with the dimmer switch on the wall by his desk, creating an environment that seemed strangely augury with the small amount of illumination around us now.
"I apology for literary keeping you in the dark but no one else knows about your visit."
"It's fine. I understand."
No one needed to know the truth right away, it was a secret the two of us would have to carry for everyone for now.
"How are you holding up, Violet?"
I looked at the man across the room from me and lost the ability to focus as I answered.
"I'm doing my best."
I was trying, but it felt like I was exposed.
"Understandable, but this might help. Hours before Watari's death he had informed me of L's decision on the next heir."
A smile lit up my face, making my cheeks ache from the stretch. It was nice to finally get some good news for the children. Nonetheless, I buried the feeling back inside my chest.
"That's why I'm here, don't tell me right now."
In a move I've seen many times, Roger interlocked his fingers together to place in front of his chin and I couldn't help but think how everyone I've met from Wammy's house had a strange habit.
"Roger, don't tell anyone who the next heir is right now."
"And why may I ask?"
A had a few, for one I was doing what I was told. Days ago, in my suitcase once I settled somewhere else out of Japan, I found a note tucked neatly inside a pocket. Penned in chicken scratch, I knew L had written it by hand. All it said was not to fight for the L title for at least two years, as he was sure that if Kira was Light Yagami then he'll do his best to take the role of the pseudonym. While it burned a hole in my stomach, I agreed with the assumed logic that he would be the best one to keep the charade going.
While he got comfortable, I had a plan of my own I needed time to put together.
To answer his question, I tossed out another reason I was carrying around.
"Right now, they are only children."
"Both you and L were doing much worse at their ages."
At the mention of him, I stood up and walked over to the only window in the room. It sat in the corner right beside a large wooden bookcase. The darkness from a stormy night cloaked everything in sight, except the raindrops rolling down the glass protecting me from the wind.
I wanted to point out that he had made my point. At eleven, my computer skills lacked but I could fire a handgun with ease. Instead, I went with a more sound approach to the man.
"Take this time to train them, I have some business to handle back in the States and I fear it will take me longer than I think."
Roger let out a soft sigh, both of us knowing I'm asking him to break a big step in the process of heirs and Wammy.
To me, it was just another footnote in this story.
"Fine, but if this ends badly…"
I promised I'd take the fall for anything the "new" L did, though it's not like we had anyone to answer to. Only then Roger agreed to my idea, excusing myself to catch a plane and to study up on my Morse code.