"The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me,
And how the blood rushed into my cheeks,
So scarlet, it was (maroon)"
- Taylor Swift, Midnights
Chapter 3: Vulnerable Confessions
Shizuo blushed even deeper, his fingers tracing Izaya's soft skin beneath his dress-shirt and blazer. Just as he leaned in for a kiss, he hesitated, retracting and withdrawing his hands.
"It's got nothing to do with you… I still… feel bad," Shizuo confessed, his amber gaze intense. Before Izaya could respond, Shizuo pressed on, "Before you tell me not to feel bad, or that we've been over this guilt that I can't get past, I don't think you fully understand. I-"
"I feel guilty, too, you know," Izaya interjected, surprising Shizuo. The unexpected admission hung in the air. Izaya continued, grappling with the realization. "I pushed you too far, whether or not I had a parasite in my head. That doesn't matter to me. Shizu-chan, I want you to know that anyone else would have done the same thing. I might have even killed someone to protect my sisters."
Shizuo shook his head no. "Except … You're not just someone, Izaya. If we didn't have Celty to rely on, your soul would still be trapped. I almost lost you, and I kind of did already because you're not the same."
"You're not the same, either," Izaya scoffed, raising a valid concern. "Does that make me less desirable? That there is a chance I could go equal with you in hand-to-hand combat?"
"Didn't you always say that my strength made me a brute? And you've always had a God complex, but you wanted to be human, too," Shizuo argued, attempting to navigate the complexities of their changed dynamic.
"Your strength? No… If that made you brutish, then Celty and all the other supernatural beings in this city would be too. It has forever been your reactive behaviour," Izaya analyzed, his tone contemplative. "So what am I supposed to do then, hate myself for changing? Yes, being human was an important detail. You're being a bit hypocritical here."
"No! Damn it! I'm just saying that this is a lot to take in at once. Okay? I don't care if you can beat me in a fight." Shizuo growled. "Is that really what you want, a fight, Flea? Are you angry that my actions caused all this?"
Izaya blinked a few times, suddenly acknowledging the complexity of emotions at play. "No…" he sighed, conceding the argument. "You're right. Maybe I am moving too fast." His red eyes shifted to the ground.
Shizuo, with a gentle touch, lifted Izaya's chin to meet his eyes. "Maybe, but don't go thinking that means I want you less. Izaya, just having you here, breathing the same air, is enough for me to be satisfied. I want to take you in, all of you."
It was Izaya's turn to blush, abruptly touched by Shizuo's sincerity. "I have to… Shower," he stammered, pulling away. Shizuo pulled him back gently, kissed him on the cheek, moved up to kiss him on the head and closed eyes. He sighed as he took in the scent of his hair, even while shrouded in dirt.
"Please, Shizuo," Izaya used his full name to emphasize his plea. "I am here. Not going anywhere." Pausing, he added with a hint of humor to lighten the moment, "Unless you get mad at me during an argument and want to kill me again~."
"You are actually so stupid," Shizuo shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He brushed past the raven, concealing a few tears, allowing Izaya the space he needed.
As Shizuo walked away solemnly, Izaya swiftly entered the bathroom. Sliding down the door, he grappled with the weight of the situation. He lightly scratched at his throat, a coping mechanism to steady himself after the overwhelming emotions.
Finally finding the strength to get up, he turned on the shower. Stepping inside, the warm water cascaded over him. The soothing yet disorienting sensation made him reflect on the physical changes he now possessed. His once-human form felt stronger, more resilient, embodying enhanced capabilities from the symbiote. He could feel how effortless his movements became, and things that were once heavy felt like feathers. He wondered if this was how Shizuo felt all the time.
Amidst the rhythmic sounds of the water, Izaya leaned against the shower wall, contemplating the profound implications of his resurrection. It wasn't just a physical transformation; it was an alteration of his very essence, a fusion of his identity with something otherworldly.
While the steam filled the air, Izaya acknowledged the magnitude of his changed circumstances. He wasn't the same information broker manipulating from the shadows. The symbiote had elevated him beyond the constraints of mortality, turning him into something more.
Pondering his new reality, Izaya grappled with the crumbling remnants of his once-untouchable empire. The dependency on Shizuo, emotionally and financially, marked an unforeseen twist. Trusting someone else was uncomfortable, a vulnerability he had always resisted.
The former informant finished his shower activities, inspecting the dirt falling down the drain as he turned off the water and stepped out. He gazed at himself in the fogged mirror, recognizing the significance of the towel wrapped around him. It wasn't just a garment; it symbolized his dependence on Shizuo, a thought that continued to gnaw at him. Despite the discomfort, he rationalized it as a means to a fresh start, an opportunity to redefine himself.
As the water droplets trickled down his skin, Izaya sensed a certain liberation in this dependence. Trusting Shizuo with his vulnerabilities chipped away at the emotional walls he had built. The recognition that only a handful of people knew he was alive added a layer of secrecy to his existence.
Izaya emerged from the bathroom, clad in only a towel around his waist, and discovered Shizuo in the apartment's living room. The dynamics between them had shifted, influenced not just by Izaya's newfound strength but also by the unspoken understanding that bound them as a new couple.
"Hey, Shizu-chan," Izaya started, his tone more intimate than before, "mind if I borrow something to wear? Seems I left my entire wardrobe in Hell." He snickered under his breath.
Glancing up from his activities, Shizuo raised an eyebrow at Izaya's request. The familiarity in their newfound relationship allowed for a casualness and comfort that hadn't existed in their past interactions.
"Sure," Shizuo replied, a subtle warmth in his expression. "Help yourself. I've got some spare clothes in the bedroom."
With a shared understanding and a connection that surpassed the complexities of their past, Izaya headed to the bedroom. The act of choosing an outfit felt strangely intimate now, symbolizing their shared space and the uncharted territory of their relationship.
Rifling through Shizuo's wardrobe, Izaya appreciated the simplicity of the moment. In the past, their interactions had been layered with manipulation and rivalry, but now, the air was charged with a different kind of tension—an unspoken acknowledgment of a new beginning.
Selecting a comfortable set of clothes, Izaya dressed in Shizuo's attire, feeling a sense of belonging that transcended the physical garments. The clothes were slightly larger, a reminder of their size difference, but they embraced the comfort of his pajamas. Shizuo glanced up when he stepped back into the living room, a subtle smile played on his lips.
"Looks good on you, Flea," Shizuo remarked, a hint of genuine affection in his voice.
Izaya smirked from the simple act of borrowing his clothes, it had become a silent affirmation of their shared journey. Settling into the borrowed clothes, the slightly oversized fit a tangible reminder of the space they were now navigating. As he joined Shizuo on the couch, the ambiance carried a newfound warmth that mirrored a shift in their relationship.
"Thanks for the clothes, Shizu-chan," Izaya remarked. The act of borrowing felt oddly intimate, a symbol of the trust woven into the fabric.
Shizuo looked to the side and nodded. "No problem. We're in this together now."
Izaya couldn't help but feel a twinge of discomfort. Independence had been his cornerstone, his wealth and influence ensuring a solitary existence. Now, stripped of both identity and financial security, he found himself navigating uncharted territory. The vulnerability of relying on someone else was a concept he had always resisted.
"I don't like relying on anyone," Izaya admitted, his gaze meeting Shizuo's. "But I know I can trust you. It makes dependence a little less terrifying, I suppose."
Shizuo, sensing the worry behind Izaya's words, offered a reassuring smile. "We're a team now. You don't have to face everything alone anymore."
The words lingered in the air, resonating with a truth that went beyond the immediate situation. Izaya had been accustomed to a life of self-sufficiency, a fortress built on independence and secrecy. Now, faced with a reality where he had zero dollars to his name and a partner to lean on, he felt a mixture of discomfort and relief.
"I used to be completely independent," Izaya mused, a trace of nostalgia colouring his tone. "And not to mention, rich. Now, I've got nothing. It's a strange feeling."
Shizuo, understanding the magnitude of the shift, reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Izaya's shoulder. "We'll figure it out together, Izaya." He recited once more.
Izaya's contemplative gaze lingered on Shizuo, who seemed remarkably at ease amidst the changes that had swept into their lives. It stirred a curiosity within Izaya, prompting questions about the nature of forgiveness and the remarkable ability of his companion to remain rooted in the present.
"Shizu-chan," Izaya began, his tone tinged with a mix of genuine curiosity and introspection, "how do you do it? How do you stay so in-the-moment, forgiving and not dwelling on the past?"
Shizuo, taking a moment to ponder the inquiry, offered a shrug. "I guess I've had my share of grudges and anger. But holding onto all that didn't get me anywhere. When I look at you now, I see someone different, someone who's been through a lot. Maybe it's about choosing to focus on what's ahead instead of what's behind."
Izaya absorbed Shizuo's words, his mind retracing the intricate web of their history – a tapestry intertwined with deception, rivalry, and a story that defied conventional understanding.
"But there's so much in our past, Shizu-chan. So many things I've done," Izaya remarked, an inkling of sadness in his voice.
Shizuo's gaze softened, shrugging his shoulders again. He waved his hand, to symbolize nonsense. "Yeah, yeah, there is. And so many things I've done, but dwelling on it won't change anything. We've got a chance to make something new, right here, right now. I'd rather focus on that."
Izaya couldn't deny the truth in Shizuo's perspective, and a subtle realization dawned on him. In Shizuo's ability to forgive, there was a profound acceptance – an acknowledgment that people change, circumstances evolve, and the present moment holds the power to redefine the narrative.
"I always wondered why you didn't bring up the past, how you forgave me so easily," Izaya confessed, his eyes searching for understanding.
Shizuo chuckled, a wry smile on his face. "I figure we've both made our fair share of mistakes. Holding onto them won't help us now. Besides, we're together, and that's what matters." He repeated himself.
Izaya's eyes narrowed curiously. "No, Shizu-chan, they were more than just mistakes. They were calculated decisions that ruined both of our lives, and ended mine. Then you developed a relationship with a detective who is the reason you are out of prison." Somehow his eyes narrowed even more. "You don't think about him, by the way?"
"I explained to Josh that my feelings for him were solely linked to my feelings for you. He disguised himself as your look-alike. He knew what he was doing the entire time, and I'm not mad at him for it, but I'm not going to feel bad for potentially leading him on. He wanted to find out the truth and he did." Shizuo sighed, acknowledging the weight of their history.
Izaya's eyes gleamed with intrigue as he processed Shizuo's revelation, his pupils growing. "So, Josh thought you were leading him on? What happened when you broke the news?"
Shizuo clicked his tongue, a tinge of regret in his expression. "He didn't seem too hurt, more disappointed, I guess. He admitted he liked me, but he could see that my feelings were always about you. Winning the retrial gave us some closure. We agreed to give each other space. Maybe we can be friends in the future, but for now, I'm not really thinking about him."
Izaya's lips curled into a sly smile. "Ah, the complexities of love and the aftermath of my dramatic return~."
Shizuo couldn't help but note the casual way Izaya threw around the word "love." It echoed in his mind, a reminder of the profound confession that had taken place in prison when Izaya was nothing more than a ghost. They had bared their souls to each other, sprawling their feelings out in that awful place. Yet, since Izaya's resurrection, they hadn't delved into those sentiments again.
As Izaya's words hung in the air, Shizuo found himself wrestling with a mix of emotions. He had never been one to vocalize his feelings, especially not the word "love." In the quiet moments of introspection, he wondered how much Izaya had changed and if those confessions still held meaning in the tangible world they now shared.
Shizuo, though not one for elaborate expressions of affection, felt a warmth spreading within him. He wasn't sure if it was the unusual circumstances surrounding Izaya's return or the genuine connection that had always existed between them.
Izaya observed Shizuo's contemplative expression, prompting wonder to flicker in his red eyes. It wasn't often that Shizuo delved into deep introspection, and Izaya couldn't help but ask what occupied his thoughts.
"Hey, Shizu-chan, what's going on in that blond head of yours?" Izaya inquired, playful mischief spread across his tone.
Shizuo shifted his gaze to meet Izaya's, a subtle vulnerability lingering in his eyes. "I was thinking about... you know, what we said to each other in prison. Those feelings we threw around like it was nothing."
Izaya raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "You mean the 'L-word'?"
"Yeah," Shizuo nodded, a faint blush touching his cheeks. "I hope it wasn't just some emotional outburst in that messed-up place. I want to believe those feelings are real outside, too."
Izaya studied Shizuo's sincerity, recognizing the uncharacteristic openness. The complexity of emotions danced in the air between them. "You're afraid it was just a product of the circumstances, huh?"
Shizuo sighed, a mix of uncertainty and hope in his voice. "Yeah, I don't want it to be just... prison feelings. I want it to be real, here and now."
Izaya's expression softened, and he reached out, lightly placing a hand on Shizuo's. "Shizu-chan, if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that our connection goes beyond any walls. Emotions are messy, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Like you keep saying, we'll figure it out together, eh?"
A subtle warmth enveloped the room as Izaya's reassurance hung in the air. Shizuo felt a surge of affection, a familiar longing to express his feelings in a tangible way. He contemplated uttering those three significant words again but decided against it, not wanting to make the atmosphere awkward.
Instead, Shizuo leaned in, closing the gap between them, and pressed his lips gently against Izaya's. It was a soft, tender kiss that conveyed the depth of his emotions without the need for verbal declarations. As their lips parted, Shizuo pulled Izaya closer, enveloping him in a comforting embrace.
They lingered in the quiet intimacy, sharing the unspoken language of affection. Shizuo nestled against Izaya, reveling in the warmth of their connection. Words might be complex, but the simplicity of a kiss and a cuddle conveyed everything Shizuo felt in that moment – a profound love that surpassed the confines of prison walls and echoed in the sanctuary of the apartment.