This one-shot takes place during Kelli's farewell episode "And a Trauma in a Pear Tree", when Amanda and Olivia are in the motel room, right after Amanda tells Liv that she is leaving SVU. I haven't watched the show for years (for the most part) or written anything in a really long time, so I might be missing some important details and my writing might be a bit rusty.
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"Remind me of home
When you're around me
Next time you leave
Don't go without me"
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"Where are you going?"
"To get ice."
The words ring in Olivia's ears as she watches Amanda march from the motel room and listens to the door slam shut, wincing at the loud noise and putting a hand to her forehead. The combination of boxed wine and the bombshell that her colleague had just dropped a moment ago has left her reeling in shock, stomach fluttering unpleasantly and a sour taste filling her mouth.
Olivia moves her hand from her head to clutch at the dresser with shaking fingers, the wooden corner digging into her skin and leaving creases in her palm. Her grasp tightens, clinging to the cheap piece of furniture like a lifeline and wondering why everyone in her life always ends up leaving her.
Elliot had left for a decade and when he had finally returned, the chasm that had opened between them in his absence had yawned even wider than when he was gone. Noah had finally found his "real" family, leaving Olivia feeling awkward and out of place with her own son, heartbroken that she is no longer the most important person in his life.
And now this.
Her working relationship with Amanda is nearing a dozen years at this point, the friendship aspect much slower to develop but now blossoming into one of the closest connections she has ever shared with another human being. Olivia's feelings for the younger woman have always been complicated, but never more so than in the last few years, as they have grown closer and bonded over everything from motherhood to personal traumas to the gut-wrenching cases that keep them awake at night. She might go so far as to say that Amanda is the best friend she's ever had, with something deeper then friendship lurking beneath the surface, at least for Olivia.
She is well-practiced with pushing these feelings down anytime they spring forth to make themselves known, Olivia painfully aware that they've never been more inappropriate than they are right now. The Rollins/Carisi wedding was difficult enough to deal with, Olivia feeling Amanda slipping away from her, but with the news of her impending departure from SVU, it feels like she is already gone.
Olivia's brain replays the strange night they have shared; a pretend girlfriend, a pretend threesome, and when she had assumed Amanda was pretending to unbutton her shirt only to realize the younger woman was actually doing it. She had tried to not to stare, Amanda appearing so angelic and mischievous at the same time, reminding herself that this little undercover operation was not reality and scolding herself for enjoying it too much.
Olivia has been letting her mind wander down a fictitious rabbit hole lately, to something that doesn't exist, trying to ignore that tiny spark of hope when she indulges her deepest fantasies and allows herself to imagine what life could be like if they weren't pretending.
She is yanked abruptly from her reverie as the door flies open and slams forcefully into the wall, Amanda striding back into the room with the handle of a bucket clenched in one fist. Olivia's mouth is agape as she watches the angry blonde dump the contents of the bucket into the middle of the bed without a word of explanation, dozens of ice cubes skittering across the top of the quilt and a few raining down onto the floor.
"What the hell are you doing?" Olivia demands in astonishment, eyebrows rising high on her forehead at the dramatic display.
"Getting ice," Amanda snaps in response, tossing the bucket aside and crossing her arms over her chest, narrowed eyes practically shooting daggers at her. "Just like I said I would."
"I thought you were being sarcastic," Olivia murmurs with a bewildered shake of her head, the fog of alcohol clearing somewhat as she stares in disbelief at the mess on the bed. "Are you crazy? What is the point of this?"
"The point is that you were the icy one back then, not me!" Amanda exclaims in obvious frustration, throwing her hands into the air. "You were the ice queen, Liv! There was no penetrating that icy exterior of yours, no matter what I did. I'm not sure if you're misremembering or just outright lying, but don't you dare accuse me of being the icy one."
"I'm not lying!" Olivia yells indignantly, the shock dissipating as anger rises to take its place and her rage matches Amanda's, infuriated at the insanity and immaturity of this interaction, and at life in general. "You were so closed off! You wouldn't let me in!"
"I wouldn't let you in?! I think you have it backwards there, Liv." Amanda is advancing toward her now, small hands balled into fists, looking angrier than Olivia has ever seen her. "You barely spoke to me when I first got to SVU! You were either ignoring me or snapping at me or talking down to me, like I was nothing better than the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. And that's exactly how you treated me – like dirt."
Olivia falls silent during Amanda's tirade, her shoulders slumping with sadness and exhaustion as her mind drifts back to the day of the younger woman's arrival and the tension-filled years that had followed. It had taken them so long to start seeing eye to eye with each other and find some common ground, and perhaps Olivia can admit that she had been part of the problem.
Elliot's abrupt departure and his continued absence in her life had been so devastating, it was as if he had died. Her former partner may as well have fallen off the face of the earth, ceasing to exist; the lack of communication so complete, so final. The one person she was closest to in the world had disappeared without a trace and for awhile, Olivia had lost her purpose her life, her reason for living and getting out of bed in the morning. The loss of self had ended up being equal to or greater than the loss of Elliot, and it had taken a long time before life had started to feel somewhat normal again.
The timing of Amanda's arrival at SVU, along with Nick Amaro's, couldn't have been worse, despite the squad being short-staffed and in need of some new blood. Olivia's mental health had taken such a gigantic hit, the pit of despair she had fallen into so all-consuming and the depression so heavy, it had felt like a physical weight dragging her down. Feeling as if she was mourning a death, the sea of grief had been so dark and so deep, she feared it would drown her and she would never be able to find her way back up to the light.
Olivia had been unable to fathom the thought of anyone taking Elliot's place, much less two significantly younger detectives, one of whom had a penchant for getting into trouble. Amanda's motto of asking for forgiveness rather than permission had grated on Olivia's nerves to no end, but those sparkling blue eyes and impish grin, her impressive skills and unwavering tenacity, had eventually left Olivia feeling something other than frustration; something she was afraid to name.
"Well, maybe I could have been a bit more patient with you back then," Olivia finally hedges as the silence drags out between them, becoming more awkward with every passing moment.
"You think?" Amanda's voice is wry, the brittle edge of anger lessening, and an eyebrow quirking in what might actually be amusement.
"Yeah," Olivia acknowledges softly, realizing just how close Amanda is standing to her now, their gazes locked on one another. "You never opened up to me. You never let me in. But I didn't exactly make it easy for you, did I? And I was pretty closed up myself back then."
"Well, we were both dealing with a lot," Amanda murmurs grudgingly, the last of her anger seeming to leave her body in a rush as her shoulders sag and she lets out a weary sigh.
"We were," Olivia agrees quietly, a wave of guilt welling up for how she had treated Amanda back then and for how she is treating her now. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I should have handled your news better. Things have just been...hard lately." She swallows roughly against the sudden lump in her throat. "I'm going to miss you."
Olivia realizes that she is talking about so much more than SVU, the growing lump threatening to choke her as she blinks back tears. It feels like she is losing Amanda in every way, and she doesn't know if she can do this again.
"I'm going to miss you too," Amanda whispers, Olivia only becoming aware of the tears that are now spilling down her cheeks when the younger woman raises a tender hand to cup her face, thumb swiping over her wet skin. "But I'm not leaving you, Liv. We'll still see each other. It won't be every day, but it's not like I'm going to disappear. We'll still be in each other's lives."
"It won't be the same." Olivia's voice has lowered to a whisper as well, the words difficult to work around the sob that wants to rip from her mouth, the last of her control hanging by a thread.
"I know." Amanda's eyes are glossy as her thumb stokes back and forth across her cheek, and Olivia's eyelids flutter closed before she can stop them, becoming lost in the soothing sensation of Amanda's touch. "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize. I do," Olivia sighs as she opens her eyes again, startled to see the blonde staring so intently at her, practically nose to nose as blue eyes bore into brown. "I'm being selfish." Her heart rate, which had spiked from sedate to pounding when Amanda had shared her unexpected news and then come waltzing back into the room with a bucketful of ice, is picking up the pace once again.
She glances over at the bed, where the ice is slowly melting into a puddle on the cheap bedspread, feeling overwhelmed by the proximity of her soon-to-be ex-colleague. Her gaze darts down to Amanda's lips before swinging back up to those penetrating eyes, a fiery blush spreading beneath the tears that are still falling.
Olivia abruptly pulls away from Amanda's touch, her heart clenching in her chest and her stomach turning somersaults, afraid of what she might do if she doesn't put some distance between them. Her thoughts are a swirling mess inside her head and her emotions are all over the place, a confession on the tip of her tongue that she desperately tries to swallow back.
"Liv?" There are notes of hurt and confusion in Amanda's voice when she speaks, and Olivia ducks out of the way when the younger woman reaches over to touch her again. "What's wrong?"
"Everything," Olivia mutters in shame, swiping an arm across her face to rid herself of the embarrassing display of emotion. "I guess I shouldn't have accused you of not letting me in when I'm doing the same thing to you, huh?"
"Then let me in," Amanda replies simply, Olivia sneaking a glance at her and seeing no trace of the anger from earlier. A single tear is rolling down the other woman's cheek, and there is nothing but compassion and what could be a hint of understanding, evident in her expression. "Talk to me."
"I can't." Olivia's reply is choked and she has to turn away from Amanda, unable to bear the gentle, beseeching look on her face. "I need to leave."
"Olivia, wait." She feels a hand on her shoulder, fingers sliding down to close around her wrist, and she grits her teeth at the shiver that runs the length of her arm. "I'm sorry for everything, okay? I'm sorry for springing this news on you when you're not in a good place. I'm sorry for dumping ice all over the bed like a toddler having a tantrum. And I'm sorry for calling you an ice queen when you were hurting because Elliot had left."
Olivia doesn't turn around, but she can hear the hesitation in Amanda's voice when she speaks again, her heart rate at a gallop now. "You've always elicited some strong emotions in me, you know? Even before I met you, when I read every article I could find on you. And they're hard to push down, they're hard to control. Sometimes I just don't know how to act around you because you're...different...than everyone else. Different in a good way, I mean."
There is the sound of a rough cough, a throat clearing, a rushed tone, like Amanda needs to hurry through this. "You're very special to me, okay? You mean so much to me, Liv. I couldn't imagine my life without you. I lo-" A short pause follows as she cuts herself off and her tone turns sheepish, so unlike Amanda's usual confidence. "God, I feel like a rambling idiot. Please stop me."
Olivia rests her forehead against the door, still unable to turn around and face her colleague, a trembling hand perched on the knob. One quick twist and the door will open and she will be free from this conversation; free from a day that has been strange from the start and is now downright terrifying. A part of her wants to flee into the darkness of the night and away from this excruciating intensity, but another part longs to whirl around and throw herself into Amanda's arms, begging not to be abandoned again; begging the other woman to clarify exactly what she is saying; begging to be loved.
It feels like something significant has shifted between them with Amanda's halting words, and a shiver runs down Olivia's spine when she feels a soft hand smoothing over her hair and coming to rest on her back. Her eyes are closed again as she stands there in the dim motel lighting, trying to figure out if she wants to stay put or make a run for it, another round of tears leaking out from behind her long lashes.
Amanda's hand begins slowly circling her back, fingernails leaving tingles in their wake, and Olivia draws in a deep, shuddering breath. The shame that courses through her is immense as she can finally admit to herself that all these years of complicated feelings toward the other woman are actually love, and not just the love she feels for a friend.
Dominick Carisi is one of the best people she has ever known, and someone she trusts and counts on, but right now she can't help but wish he wasn't in the picture; that he had never transferred to SVU all those years ago and fallen head over heels for Amanda. Of course, she also can't blame him for falling for the beautiful blonde with the compassionate heart and the fiery temper; the beautiful blonde whose hands are now squeezing Olivia's upper arms in a gentle grip and pleading with her to turn around.
Olivia can't bear to make eye contact with Amanda or put a voice to the vortex of emotions that are threatening to render her a sobbing mess on the floor. She simply turns around and without saying a word, winds her arms underneath Amanda's and pulls her into a fierce hug.
She hears a soft noise of surprise before the slim arms of her friend are wrapping themselves around her in return, and they just stand there by the door, holding one another tightly in silence. Distant sounds drift in from the surrounding rooms and the parking lot outside as the minutes tick by, but it remains quiet in their own little corner of the world.
"You're shaking, Liv," Amanda eventually murmurs into her ear, causing a full-body shiver this time, and the younger woman's arms to tighten protectively around her. "I would suggest we go sit down on the bed so you can get off your feet, but I think the melted ice has turned it into a pool. I guess we should have brought our bathing suits."
A rumble of laughter escapes Olivia's mouth as she contemplates the absurdity of the situation, appreciating Amanda's attempt to lighten the mood. She listens to Amanda's tinkling laugh in response, a sob suddenly rising in her throat at the thought of not seeing this woman on a daily basis and the devastation of the love of her life marrying someone else.
"Olivia." The levity in Amanda's voice has shifted to concern and something else that Olivia can't quite define. "Are we going to talk about this or are we going to stand here hugging all night?"
"I don't want to let you go," Olivia admits in a whisper, and it feels like she will drop to the floor and shatter into a million pieces if not for Amanda's arms around her, holding her up.
Everything that makes her Captain Benson, the strong, fearless leader of The Special Victims Unit, has been stripped away, and she is left raw and quivering in the younger woman's embrace, a mixture of terror and anguish coursing through her. Her carefully constructed walls have come crashing down, leaving vulnerability and uncertainty in their wake, and Olivia is powerless against the tidal wave of feelings that she has kept hidden for over a decade, even from herself.
"You don't have to," Amanda replies softly, finally pulling away just enough so they can make eye contact but keeping one arm wrapped around Olivia's waist. "But let's sit down, okay? You're shaking like a leaf."
Olivia looks away from Amanda's worried gaze, allowing herself to be guided onto the floor so they are sitting side by side with their backs against the bed. Amanda's arm is immediately around her again, and Olivia can't help snuggling closer, soaking in the physical comfort that she so readily gives to others but so often denies herself, and wondering if this is the last embrace they will ever share.
She feels like they are teetering on the edge of a precipice and one wrong word will send them both tumbling into the abyss, never to regain the close friendship they have worked so hard to achieve and maintain. Olivia can't imagine her world without Amanda in it, so she grits her teeth and swallows back the confession that has been hovering on the tip of her tongue. If she can only see Amanda every once in awhile, when she is not busy with her new job or her new husband or the kids, Olivia decides she can live with that.
"So are we going to talk?" Amanda asks quietly, and Olivia steels herself before raising her gaze and looking the younger woman right in the eye.
Those ocean blue eyes stare expectantly back at her, a myriad of emotions swirling within their depths, and Olivia gives her a tremulous smile. "Yes, we are going to talk." She swallows against that stubborn lump in her throat and continues speaking. "I want to tell you how proud I am of you. How lucky Fordham is to have you. And how happy I am for you."
That last sentence isn't entirely true but Olivia internally admonishes herself for being so selfish, and the smile stretches wider across her face. She watches as Amanda blinks in what appears to be surprise and...disappointment? Olivia cocks her head to the side, trying to work out what Amanda is feeling, but a shadow passes across the other woman's delicate features and then Amanda seems to be just as resolute as she is in not rocking the boat.
The blonde smiles back but it doesn't reach her eyes, and Olivia feels the strong arm around her shoulders go slack. "Thanks, Liv. I really appreciate that." Amanda's voice is flat and her expression is blank, like she was expecting Olivia to say something else, and this time it is her gaze that slides away after a brief pause. "I've never been happier."
The statement should bring Olivia peace, that her best friend has reached the pinnacle of happiness, but the words are like a slap in the face instead and she reels back like she has been struck. It is a struggle to compose herself and nod placidly, willing the next round of tears to stay put and not fall. "Well, good. I'm glad to hear that."
They lapse into silence once more but it is devoid of comfort now, and Olivia is shivering again for a different reason. She suddenly feels stupid sitting here half-drunk on the dingy floor, leaning against a bed soaked with melting ice, her back beginning to ache and a tension headache starting to form.
She makes a move to get up, her leg muscles groaning in protest, jumping in surprise when she finds her body enveloped in a bear hug from behind, Amanda holding onto her as if her life depends on it and her voice hushed when she speaks.
"I love you, Liv."
The tears that Olivia has been trying desperately to keep at bay come spilling down her cheeks once again, and she hugs Amanda back with all her strength, unable to ascertain the true meaning behind her words.
Whether Amanda means she loves her as a friend or something more, Olivia is unsure but she is firm in her decision not to ask; not to take that unnerving leap into the unknown and risk ruining a marriage and a friendship. She simply continues to hold this woman who means so much more to her than she will ever know, burying her face in Amanda's vanilla-scented hair and wetting the blonde strands with her tears.
"I love you too. You're a good friend," Olivia whispers brokenly, her ice queen persona still intact as she closes herself off once again, rebuilding her walls and resolving to never let on just how deeply she loves Amanda.
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*Song lyrics are from Lissie's "When I'm Alone"