It's become a pattern now. Almost every night without fail Jill will wake up gasping for air in a cold sweat. It's not the sound that wakes Alice. Jill doesn't make any sound over then her laboured breaths but even they are quiet. No, it's the way she shoots up straight her arms flailing around as if she is trying to pull herself out of something.
Alice wakes up to witness this. Witness how Jill has to hold her chest as if to reassure herself that she can breathe normally. Alice tries to comfort her. Jill says it helps when she hugs her from behind resting her head on her shoulder. Jill can hear her breathe and match her own breaths to Alice's. The calm in the middle of the storm raging inside of her.
When Jill gets her breathing under control and shakes away the remnants of whatever it is that is haunting her, she sinks into Alice needing to feel her close. Despite her best efforts, Alice hasn't been able to get Jill to open up about whatever it that causing her such night terrors. At first, she had assumed it was something to do with Jill remembering her time as a slave to Umbrella. But Jill brushed that off saying it was part of it but not the reason she can't sleep at night.
Alice wants to push. Wants to help Jill deal with whatever demons she is facing but Jill refuses to talk about it and Alice is scared to push too hard and end up pushing Jill away. It's a fine line she is walking on.
A selfish part of her does feel hurt at Jill's refusal to open up to her. Alice had opened up to Jill about everything. Ripped the bandage off every open wound and scar she has and bared it all to the now blonde haired woman. Something she has never done with someone else before and she was terrified to expose herself so openly to the former STARS member. And she gets that Jill doesn't have to talk to her. Hence why she hasn't demanded Jill tell her or anything like that. She just wishes Jill would trust her the same way she trusts Jill.
Nonetheless, Alice will always be there to comfort Jill. To be her light in the darkness just as Jill and Becky are to her. Sometimes she wishes she could do more to help Jill. To stop the dreams from happening. Rather than just being there for her in the aftermath of whatever it is that wakes her up like that.
Tonight is no different. Alice lies awake watching the clock tick by with Jill wrapped around her having fallen asleep hours ago. Just like clockwork, she feels Jill twitch behind her. It's small at first. But steady grows as her breathing speeds up and before she knows it Jill is jumping up throwing the covers off of both of them and exposing them to the cool spring air.
Falling into their routine Alice scoots behind Jill who has her eyes clenched shut and her hands pressed into her forehead as if trying to push whatever it is lurking inside her away. Alice repeats her soothing words of comfort and reassurance making her aware that she is here with Alice in their bedroom and not where it is she thinks she is. She can feel the cold sweat on Jill's skin and rubs her hands up and down her shoulders easing the tension and wiping the sweat away.
Once Jill sort of comes back to her Alice begins her prologue of something personal about herself. Something she hasn't told Jill before. Something Jill can focus on. Jill said she prefers it when Alice talks to her like that. The new information Jill hears helps to ground her and latch on to something other than her dreams. It's stupid little things but Jill said she likes that. Likes learning new things about the brunette. Things no one is allowed to know.
Alice just spews the first thing that comes to mind. "I had a dog when I was younger. Back when we were living in Italy I mean. It was a cirneco dell'Etna. When we immigrated to America, we were allowed to bring her with us. Kids in our neighbourhood were fascinated by the breed. Many of them have never seen the dog breed before never mind the name. I called her Bella. Original I know but sue me I was a kid."
Funnily enough, she actually remembered she had once owned a dog back down in the Hive when she faced the infected dogs. It was just a split second thinking Bella kind of looked like that walking flesh demon watching her. And then a second later she was running away from said dog before it ripped her to shreds.
A still trembling Jill gives her the side eye. Trying to look confused and judgemental at the same time but looks more lost and unfocused as her words come out shakily. "I'm sorry... she was a... what." She managed to ask in between raspy breaths.
"A Cirneco," Alice repeats barely stopping herself from laughing at the blank look Jill shoots her. "Ok. Do you know what a pharaoh dog looks like." She tries again only for Jill to shake her head. Well ok, there goes that comparison. "It's a short-haired tan dog with pointy ears and has a similar body and head to a Dobermann but not as big." She explains to the best she can. Maybe she should look for a book on dog breeds. That might be interesting. But where the hell would she get one... Never mind stupid idea.
Jill goes quiet probably trying to imagine the creature she just described. "I never knew you had a dog," Jill says eventually leaning back into Alice who brushes her hair to one side and plants a few kisses along her shoulder aiming to soothe whatever remnants remain of her fears.
"For eleven years," Alice states before elaborating more. "I was looking into getting another dog before the outbreak happened. Spencer wasn't keen on the idea but fuck him it was my house and Umbrella didn't say we couldn't get pets." She was about to dive into another monologue about the dogs she was looking at before Jill interrupted her.
"I know you want to talk about." Immediately Jill sounds both scared and timid as well as defensive and ready to argue with her. She normally gets like this once she settles down. Alice is used to the tone and is far more thankful that she can no longer feel Jill shivering in her arms.
"I do," Alice admits honestly. Jill has always preferred the blunt truth just as she does and has no time for sweet lies or false hope. The truth is one of the fundamental parts of their relationship. "Jill you're hurting, and I want to help that. Help ease your pain like you do for me."
Jill quickly cuts in as if afraid she has done something to prove Alice otherwise. "You do."
The slight panic and raised pitch has Alice quietly shushing her taking hold of her hand and gently rubbing small circles on her hand in a calming manner. "I know... I know I do. But I still wish you would talk to me about it. But I also understand that you don't want to, and I never want you to feel you have to tell me anything. I won't pressure you to talk or do something you're not comfortable with. That isn't how this relationship works. If you ever want to talk about it know that I'm here. Until then I will do what I can to help ease your suffering."
"Fuck. I don't deserve you..." Jill groaned burying her face in her spare hand. "Or Becky."
Twisting slightly in their position Alice gently pries Jill's hand from her face and then brushes any lingering hair strands behind her ear. "Yes, you do. You deserve the world, Jill." Alice tells her sincerely. Jill hasn't deserved any of the shit she has had to endure. And Alice hates just how much Jill has had to suffer in the years since her absence. A familiar ball of guilt nestles in her stomach. One she tries to smother out. This is about Jill not her. Leaning forward Alice rests her head against Jill's. "And me and Becky are lucky to have you in our lives."
Sometimes Alice still can't believe that Jill is with her. After everything that happened, she thought for sure Jill would hate her. Blame her for everything that followed her sneaking away in the middle of the night. But Jill was understanding of that. She wasn't happy and made that known to Alice, but she understood and was just happy the two of them had been reunited once again.
"I love you." Alice's heart never fails to skip a beat whenever she hears Jill say that. Those three little words mean more to her then she ever really thought they would. An offer of a safe haven with the only person alive that she trusts completely.
"I love you too." Sensing that Jill has calmed down it's safe for them to go back to sleep as the discussion is over Alice drops back onto the bed. "Come on we can catch a few more hours of sleep before Becky will be banging on our door." Jill follows her example and lies down with Alice being the big spoon this time.
Silence reigns between the two of them as just when Alice thinks Jill has drifted off the blonde speaks quietly as to not disrupt the silence of the room. "It's water."
Alice blinks when hearing this. Water. What has water got to do with anything. "What."
"What I dream about. It's water." Alice wants to ask more questions but remains silent knowing this is Jill's time to speak and express her thoughts and feelings. Alice just tugs Jill closer, so she knows she's safe and Alice is listening. "I'm not sure how much you remember about the battle on the Arcadia, but you were blown off the side of the ship... and you fell into the water."
Oh, Alice remembers that moment very well. She was awake when she hit the water, but it was like she lost control of all motor functions as she drifted further and further down. She thought for sure she was going to die there. Yet when she next opened her eyes, she was waking up in the Umbrella Prime facility. She was surprised that when she was sinking she wasn't afraid or panicked or anything. It was more a calm acceptance that had taken over her.
Jill shifts in her arms turning around to face Alice an anguished look on her face. "You were dead Alice." Jill bluntly but brokenly states. Alice herself froze at the statement. Her mind racing trying to comprehend what Jill was telling her. "We managed to fish you out of the water but you had already been under for so long... I can't get that image out of my head. You were dripping wet with hair stuck to your face. Your lips were blue. It's terrifying to see to you like that. To watch as Umbrella medics and scientists take you away from me."
Alice shudders upon hearing this. Not the drowning part. That she can deal with later. But the idea of Umbrella scientists once again playing around with her body. Haven't they experimented on her and her clones enough. "I'm so sorry you had to see that." If the roles were reversed and she had watched Jill's lifeless body being pulled up from the murky depths unbreathing and people trying to revive her that image would haunt her forever.
It's bad enough that Jill already has watched her die before. Choking on her own blood with a metal pipe lodged in her chest. Having to haul her badly burnt corpse out of the flaming wreckage of the helicopter crash. She never wanted Jill to have to be around a dead version of her again.
For a moment she thinks about asking Jill if she watched how clones of her died in that facility but decides this definitely wasn't the time to probably trigger more painful memories from the former police officer. Sometimes but especially back at the start it always felt like Alice brought everyone nothing but pain. To her limited memory everyone she met had either died or been so horribly traumatised it felt like she was better off away from people and on her own where she couldn't hurt them anymore.
Shaking those negative thoughts away Alice listens as Jill continues airing her own dark thoughts and experiences. "And then at the prime facility the explosions went off they made the dome collapse. Water came rushing in. I barely made it to the submarine while a tidal wave of water chased us. And Carlos... I know he wasn't the real Carlos but... he didn't make it to the sub... He drowned down there. And in a span of a few days, I watched two of the people closest to me drown."
Alice starts stroking Jill's back after being reminded of Carlos's demise. Clone or not he was still her friend as well. And to him and Jill together again was like a blast from the past. A horrific but good time the three of them all had together. She remembers Carlos in the desert. How he instantly supported her and forgave her for abandoning them all. But more painfully she remembers how Carlos told her LJ was dead. How he was infected and how he sacrificed his life to save the convoy from Umbrella who was targeting her.
"I guess water just reminds me of that now. Every time I try to sleep that's what I dream about. Carlos drowning. Me drowning. You drowning. Hell, I know she was an umbrella controlled clone but I'm pretty sure Rain drowned as well. Everyone around me drowned one after another. It's not fun to relive." Rain either drowned, froze to death or was ripped apart but infected. Either way, it wasn't bound to be a pleasant death.
Alice has mixed feelings about Rain. She has watched that woman die three times now. But the last version of her killed Luthor and almost killed her as well. Alice just wishes for once everything went her way. That after Prime Alice would have got Jill, Becky, Luthor, Rain, Carlos and one all back. A second chance with everyone Instead only Jill and Bekcy made it out with her joining Leon and Ada.
"And it's not just the drowning. The idea of being underwater reminds me of Prime. Of being under Umbrella control. The things I did while I was powerless to stop it. The things I did to you and tried to do to Becky..." Jill trails off before scoffing to herself. "As you can imagine I'm not the biggest fan of water anymore. Not of what it reminds me of and symbolises in my life.
"I know it doesn't help to hear it, but Jill what you did under their control is not your fault." She personally knows having someone tell them this doesn't help but it's all she can really do in the moment.
"I still hurt you." Jill all but whimpers into her neck as if it were the worst crime she could commit.
Venomously Alice tries to get Jill to understand that she doesn't hold her responsible for anything that happened. "No. You never hurt me. Umbrella did." The idea that Jill holds herself responsible for what she was forced to do isn't right. And something the two of them had discussed before. Many times.
"I was what they used against you, Alice." Jill counters and Alice can't really argue with that. They did use Jill against her. There is no denying it and they both know it. Know that it hurt Alice far more when it was Jill torturing her then it would have been if it was anyone else.
Scooting back a bit Alice cups Jill's face making sure the two of them are at eye level. Jill's eyes are glossy with unshed tears and Alice makes sure to keep her voice loving and honest wishing she could take all the pain away from the younger woman. "I don't blame you for what happened. I know you would never do that to me. That you would never harm Becky. But if you're looking for forgiveness you have it. Always Jill."
Jill weakly nods and buries herself back into Alice using her as a shield from all the bad lingering in the world. The two fall back into silence for a while. Each processing their own thoughts. Alice knows it can't have been easy for Jill to open herself up like that. To expose Alice to her vulnerable side and things she perceives as a weakness. Jill always hated talking about her feelings. Hated having to dive into her own turmoil and find a way to express that to others.
Alice on the other hand is just eternally grateful that Jill trusted herself enough to do that. To take that risk. She hopes having talked a little about her dreams and fears will help Jill. She isn't stupid enough to believe after one small talk that everything will suddenly be alright again. But it's a start.
Before the two drift off to sleep Jill mutters something quietly. "Becky wants pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. Do you know how to make them."
Alice chuckles to herself. "Not the American version but I can do the British version."
"What's the difference." Comes the mumbled reply.
"More like a crepe but I prefer them." Especially when you have them with lemon and sugar. God she would kill for a pancake right about now. All she needs is flour, milk and eggs. She can get that. The sugar as well. The lemon will be harder but that's fine she can do it with strawberries instead. Breakfast tomorrow is going to be great.
"Of course you do." Comes Jill's amused reply as she kisses Alice's neck before the two of them finally succumb to sleep.