Jennie
#1. Fall into desperate, soul-consuming love.
The smell of popcorn filled the townhouse, and I dug out a package of MM's from the hidden stash of candy I kept behind the flour. After all, I'd read somewhere that mass amounts of chocolate gave your brain the same chemicals as an orgasm. I'd probably need to eat the whole darn factory to get even half of what Lisa did to me. I climbed off the shelves in the pantry, pulling my flannel drawstring pants back up to my waist and adjusting the straps of my tank top.
"Ooh is it movie night?" Ho-Jung asked, skipping into the kitchen, dressed in form-flattering jeans and a low-cut top.
The clock said eight fifteen, and I rolled my eyes at her. "Not for you, it's not. Go on, get out, Ho-Jung."
She leaned over the kitchen island. "I'd rather stay here and keep you company."
"No. You're not going to miss out on anything on my account."
She arched an eyebrow at me. "Are you going to call your girlfriend? Or are you still avoiding her?"
The problem with avoiding telling Lisa about the tests was that it meant I hadn't seen her, or touched her, or kissed her. I was close to a high-school prank hang-up call. The microwave dinged, and I removed the bag, careful to only hold onto the edges. Once the bowl in front of me was full, I popped a few tablespoons of butter in the microwave to melt. I mean, if my heart was going to give out anyway, I might as well.
"Jennie. You have to tell her."
I nodded, dumping the bag of MM's on top of the hot popcorn. Another ding, and the butter was ready for drizzling.
"Jennie!" Ho-Jung slammed her hands down on the counter in front of me.
My head snapped up. "I know! It's just…" My eyes darted from the calendar marked with the next appointment. "She doesn't treat me like I'm broken."
"You're not broken."
"Oh, please. Everyone else sees me as a cracked little vase. They just keep handing me back and forth, careful not to press on the weak spots, keeping me high on the shelf where I can't breathe. Lisa…she's like a shot of pure oxygen. I don't want to lose that."
"You're not going to stop loving her just because you tell her. She's not going to walk away, not with the way she looks at you. That girl is head over heels, and she deserves to know."
"I never said I was in love with her." I focused on the popcorn bowl, methodically tossing it to distribute the chocolate and butter.
"Oh, darlin', you didn't have to." Ho-Jung grabbed my hand. "You wear your heart in those pretty green eyes of yours. You can't fool me."
Tears pricked at my eyes. "But I don't want to love her! That's stupid, isn't it? That I'm ridiculously happy, but won't admit it?"
"Yep, stupid, especially for someone who counts down her days like some morbid Advent calendar." She grabbed a handful of popcorn. "When did you realize it?"
When did I realize it? I thought and simply…knew. "When she told me that she'd rather burn for just a moment, to really experience love than live a lifetime safe without it." I sighed. "It was like…she was meant for me, you know? Because that moment might be all I have to give her."
"It doesn't have to be like that."
"She shouldn't love me. She needs someone who can jump out of planes with her and hike mountains in Nepal. She doesn't need to be saddled with some invalid girl who can't do anything but focus on her heartbeat." I ripped off my watch and slammed it into the counter. "Shw shouldn't be with me."
"Nepal? Love isn't exactly rational, and neither are you at this moment." She picked up the watch and checked that I hadn't broken it. "She won't leave you, Jennie. If that's what's really scaring you, don't let it. Lisa is a fighter, and she'll stand by you."
I swallowed, imagining the pacemaker surgeries, or the small electrical shocks she could get if I chose the internal defibrillator. She'd live in waiting rooms and doctors' offices. She'd look at me like a heart condition and not…me. I swallowed, damning the situation I'd gotten us both into. "Ho-Jung, I'm not scared she won't stand by me. I'm terrified she will."
"Stop—"
But I couldn't stem the word vomit. "Especially now. I feel fine on these new meds, like I could conquer the world, and yet I'm like the one in one-freaking-billion whose enlarging heart doesn't stop growing when the rest of me does. She doesn't deserve this!"
She tilted her head and raised her eyebrow. "She deserves to be happy, the same as you, and she deserves to know the truth. Now, quit your damn whining before the violins start playing sad songs in our kitchen."
"Ugh. I made such a mess."
She smiled like a Cheshire cat. "But what a fine mess to be in. Lisa Manoban is in love with you. And you're in love with her. Do you know how rare that is? That the person you love feels it, too? Trust me, it doesn't happen as often as you think."
We were so close to perfect, and one heartbeat away from tragedy. Sixty-six days. How was I going to spend them? "I love her so stupid much."
Ho-Jung jumped like we were fourteen again. "Eek! Now jump that!"
My cheeks heated, and my pulse leaped, either from embarrassment or thinking of getting my hands on Lisa. Probably both. "You really think that's the best idea?"
"What did Dr. Larondy say?"
"That as long as I could walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, I'm okay for sex."
"And did you not walk up our stairs to get changed just a few minutes ago?"
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Ho-Jung, go find someone and walk up your own stairs."
She giggled, swatted my backside, and grabbed her handbag from the counter. "Don't wait up, dear!" The door opened, and I reached for the popcorn. "Ooh, imagine that!"
"What?" I answered, popping four salty, buttery, warm MM's in my mouth. I closed my eyes and moaned as the shells cracked and the melty chocolate escaped. So good.
"Holy shit, that's hot. Would you like me to leave you and your popcorn alone?"
My eyes snapped open at Lisa's voice, and I swallowed, then ran my tongue across my teeth to make sure I wasn't about to talk with a chocolate-coated smile. "Hey," I said softly, not sure what else to say, since my breath left me at the sight of her.
She was dressed in full uniform, her boots heavy as she walked across the tile floor toward me with a vase full of pink peonies. "Happy Valentine's Day? I didn't even realize what day it was until I was in the middle of that makeup test." She put the vase and her cover on the counter, then ran her hands across the top of her hair. It was long, almost too long, and I loved it. She left a foot or so between us, a spark flickering in her eyes that made me feel like we stood at the edge of something big, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what it was. "I'm so sorry I left like that, that I didn't call." Her voice was low, regretful, and sincere.
"There were no phones in Chicago?"
A smile tugged at the corners of her beautiful mouth. "Actually, there were not. I kind of had it confiscated and didn't get it back until late last night. By then I just wanted to see you and explain in person, but I had class all day, and a test to make up."
I took a deep breath. "I think we both have things we need to explain." I moved toward her until our toes brushed and I had to crane my neck up to see her. With my bare feet and her combat boots, our height difference was even more exaggerated.
She swallowed and nodded. "There's a lot you don't know about me. Things I haven't told anyone, things I don't have control over. And I want to tell you, but…" She flicked her tongue across her teeth, her absolute tell. Too bad that tongue stud wasn't in.
"But you're not ready for me to know?" I understood all too well.
"I don't want you to look at me differently and suddenly see someone else…someone you couldn't ever want." I could say the same exact thing. "There are ugly parts of me, Jennie. Sins I'm still paying for."
"Is that where you were this week? Paying for those sins?"
Two heartbeats passed while her jaw ticked. "Yes, in a way."
"Did you cheat on me?" I asked softly, using intonation to make sure she knew I didn't think it was possible. "Did you sleep with someone else? Touch someone else?"
"Fuck, no. How could you even…" she shook her head. "That's not a possibility. You're the only woman I want." My smile must have tipped her off, because she rolled her eyes. "You're killing me, Jennie."
"We agreed to default to trust, so that's what I'm doing."
"You have every right to know what's going on—"
"Let's not talk about it tonight," I offered.
Her forehead puckered. "Don't girls always want to talk?"
I shook my head, my hair tickling my bare skin. "I missed you something fierce, Lisa. I just want to be where you are tonight. We can sort out everything else later." I don't want to tell you my secret, either. No, I wanted tonight, and I was going to take it.
Her eyes softened, relief evident as I stayed my own execution. I rose on my tiptoes and cupped her face in my hands, running my thumbs across the sharp stubble that had grown since her morning shave. "You don't have to worry. Whatever it is, it's not going to stop me from wanting you…from loving you."
Her lips parted, and her eyes turned hungry. "Say it again."
"You don't have to worry." I smiled.
"Not that part." I glimpsed the vulnerability she hid so well. She was so adamant against attaching to anyone, to any kind of relationship, so she didn't love anyone, but it also kept anyone from loving her.
She was starved for it.
Guilt slammed into me. I'd known I loved her for months and couldn't say it, even when she did. Couldn't make that promise that I'd be here for her to love. I'd accidentally withheld the one thing she needed desperately.
"Jennie?"
I grazed my thumbs across her lips and searched her eyes. "I love you, Lisa Manoban." My lips met her in the softest kiss we'd ever shared. We clung there for a moment, and I reveled in the love unfurling through my chest, radiating through me.
She slowly brought her hands to my waist but didn't deepen the kiss. "Say it again," she begged.
"I love you," I whispered and kissed her again. "I love you." I brought my lips to her cheeks, her chin, the skin of her throat, punctuating each kiss with an "I love you" until her hands tightened on me, her grip turning possessive.
She brought her mouth down to mine, this time stroking her tongue inside with a tenderness she'd never shown before, drawing a moan from my throat. "I need you." Her voice snapped any tether in my mind.
"Yes," I answered as hunger awoke in my belly. Three words, and I was ready to strip in my kitchen.
Her hands skimmed down my back to my rear, and she lifted me easily. I wrapped my legs around her waist, my arms around her neck, and kissed her with every ounce of love I could pour into her. She walked us up the stairs, pausing just outside my bedroom to lean me against the wall. She didn't pounce like I'd come to expect; instead, she ran her fingers down my cheek, looked into my eyes like she was making love to my soul, and I liquefied. "I love you, Jennie. I love you so much that I don't understand how I could have taken a single breath before I found you. I came to life when you did on that beach. I don't want to live another day that I can't tell you that."
I arched up, bringing my mouth to her. "You can tell me that for as long as I live," I promised her, then threaded my hands into her hair and kissed her like this would be the only chance I had. The wall was great leverage as I rocked into her, getting as close as I could, but it wasn't enough. I needed her skin. My fingers made short work of unzipping her uniform top, pulling it from between our bodies. She balanced me against the wall to free her arms from the top. My fingernails grazed her skin as I lifted her tan undershirt, revealing the lines of corded muscle and deliciously inked skin I was dying to taste. My mouth opened on its own accord and fastened to the skin above her heart, sucking a small bruise into the surface, like I needed my own mark to compete with the other swirls of ink.
She hissed and leaned into me, forcing my head up, and tugged her shirt over her head. Oh. My. God. Her dog tags rested against her skin, bare from neck to waist. A uniform had never turned me on, but half a uniform on Lisa? I was going to spontaneously combust. I tested the resistance of her chain and reeled her in for another kiss, savoring the way her grip tightened on my hips. "Bed," I whispered as I pulled away.
She groaned and fumbled with my door handle for a second before she got it open. She flipped on the light, then carried me to bed. She lowered me until I rested on the soft white comforter in the center of the four-poster bed. The white canopy draped across the top contrasted with Lisa's tan skin as I looked up at her, trying to swallow my heart, which had jumped into my throat. "You're beautiful."
Her smile echoed mine, bringing out her dimple. "You're biased."
My hands dipped along the planes and angles of her back, memorizing every line. She sat on the bed next to me and made quick work of removing her boots, then slid her weight onto me and set her lips to my neck. My body came to life, arching toward her as I moaned. "I like this spot," she whispered, and proceeded to lick and suck every inch of my neck. A wave of heat ran through me, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
My hips rolled into her, and she kissed me slowly, winding her fingers through my hair and holding me to her like I was something precious. Then she kissed a path down to my chest, grazing her teeth lightly over my breasts. The hard points of my nipples stood out through my tank top, and she kissed each in turn. "Skin," I begged.
Her hands followed the lines of my body until she reached my waist. She looked into my eyes and waited for me to nod, and then lifted fabric over my head when I raised my arms eagerly. Her dog tags tickled the hollow of my throat as she lowered herself over me, finally skin to skin. Fire licked at me where we were connected, only to rage even hotter when she raised herself and took off her necklace.
"My turn," I said, and pushed her to her back.
She grasped my hips as I covered her, and she kissed me so thoroughly that my body hummed. It didn't matter if I was over or under her, she could still control every shiver of my skin. I traced a path down her neck with my fingers, hovering over the tattooed flames that licked from her back over her shoulder and transformed into words. "This one?" I needed another piece of her.
"'What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.'" She paused for the barest of moments. "I got it when I felt…settled, like I'd made it through leaving…"
I didn't push. Instead I outlined the words with my tongue. "Bukowski?" I asked against her skin.
She sucked in when I kissed the sensitive spot where her collarbone met her neck. "It's so sexy when you talk librarian to me."
I giggled, but all thoughts of laughter fled as I stroked my hands down her torso, savoring each carved line of her stomach. I held her gaze and lowered my head, kissing the delectable path that led into her pants. I relished every indrawn breath, the tensing of the muscles beneath my tongue. "Jennie." My name sounded so good when she said it like that. I flicked open the buttons on her pants, and she growled, flipping me to my back. "You're killing me."
"That's the idea." I lifted my chest so that my breasts rubbed against her skin, and she consumed my mouth until I couldn't think, only feel the slide of her tongue, the sweet pressure of her thigh between mine.
"I'm trying to go slow. Cooperate." She turned her attention to my breasts, using her tongue and lips until I gasped her name. Each pull sent shots of lava through my veins, pulsing and gathering between my thighs, and all I wanted was to ease the ache. Her hands glided down my sides until her thumbs hooked into my pajama pants. she kissed my stomach, ran her tongue over my belly button, and then kissed her way to my waistband.
I lifted my head to see why she paused, to see the question in her eyes. "Yes," I whispered. My elbows supported my weight, and I lifted my hips, allowing her to slide my pants the rest of the way off. She didn't look away from me but held my eyes as she dragged my panties down my thighs. There was nothing but love, almost reverence in her eyes. I lifted my legs out one at a time, placing them on either side of her.
Her gaze raked over me, turning from sweet to hungry. "Fucking perfect, every inch of you." Her praise warmed me to the tips of my toes.
I drew my feet up along her pants and pushed them down. "Off."
"Bossy." She smiled and stripped them off, leaving her boxer briefs all that separated us. Then she slid between my open thighs and stroked the bare skin of my torso with her. I groaned at the contact and looped my ankle over her hip as she kissed me, a new urgency fueling the speed and pressure. She was losing some of that control, but I wanted her to lose it all. She'd been soft and slow since the ATV, and I wanted that Lisa again.
I skimmed my nails over her skin until I gripped her butt through her briefs. "Jennie," she whispered, and I arched, rubbing her erection against me. It relieved some of the ache, only to leave me throbbing when she pulled away. Her self-restraint was incredible, but I was done with it. As she sat on her knees, I followed her, kissing the taut skin of her stomach. "I'm trying to go slow, and you're making that impossible."
"Good," I mumbled into the waistband of her boxer briefs. Her breathing sped up as my hands moved to her thighs and gripped the bands of muscle there. "You feel incredible." Her fingers tangled in my hair and gripped when I grazed my thumb over the outline of her erection.
She pushed me onto the bed, thrusting against me in one long, delicious slide. "Stop that, or I'm going to snap, Little Bird."
I reached between us and squeezed her length. "Snap already, because I'm on fire for you."
She growled into my neck, and her kisses changed from languorous to abandoned. Yes. This was what I wanted. I needed her reckless, wild, uninhibited with me. No more caution or restraint. She reared back on her hands and looked at me with raw need. I whimpered and lifted my hips, the ache between my thighs becoming unbearable.
"I tried to go slow, to do this right," she warned. Then she attacked, sliding her fingers into my folds and holding me open as her tongue licked over my clit.
A cry ripped free from my throat as she stroked over me again, flicking and caressing, then sucking at me. Oh, God. I was going to die from the havoc that tongue was wreaking. This was…was…there were no words. Desperate for contact, I wound one hand through her hair and the other tangled in the sheet above my head, like it could hold me to the earth while she spiraled me out of control. She blew on me, and my hips bucked. "Lisa!"
"What?" she dragged her tongue over me slowly. "More?"
"Yes!"
"You taste amazing," she said against my clit, and the vibrations sent another surge of pleasure through me. My hips rode her mouth as she caressed me, unable to control my own movements. My breaths came in gasps. "What do you want?"
"More," I whimpered.
"How?" she reared up over me and turned my face to her, looking in my eyes. I had the feeling she was always going to challenge me here, and I was more than ready for it.
"I want your hands on me."
She slipped a finger inside me and stroked. "Like that?"
"Yes. More!" she looked almost feral as she slid down my body, locking my eyes as she slipped in another finger and thrust. I cried out and then went speechless when she kept time with her tongue against those nerves. Pressure built low within me, so tight I was afraid I'd break apart.
I called her name over and over, unable to think of any other word. Then she pressed up with her fingers, sucked my clit into her mouth at the same time, and I exploded around her. Lights flashed behind my eyes as I clenched around her again and again, until I fell limp.
She kissed my throat and then my lips, every muscle locked and rigid. "Watching you do that is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. You're extraordinary, Jennie." Her breathing was ragged, her hands firm, but I felt a slight tremor race through her as she stroked my curves, kick-starting another fire in me.
I looked into her eyes so there could be no misunderstanding. "I want you, now."
"You're sure?" Sweat beaded on her forehead, and her breath hit my lips in pants.
"Now."
She handed me a condom, and I rolled it over her, squeezing as she hissed in pleasure. She took both of my hands in her and raised them above my head as she slid her erection between my sensitive folds. "You're so damn wet." She groaned.
I brought my knees up to cradle her body and waited for her to press inside. Instead, she kissed me, rubbing her tongue with mine in the same rhythm she slid against me below. I groaned into her mouth and rocked back into her. "That feels amazing," I told her as she did it again. "But you—"
"Trust, Jennie, remember?" she stroked her hands down my arms until she palmed my breasts, then tweaked my nipples, rolling them expertly as I moaned. The ache between my thighs began to pulse again, then throb as she skimmed her fingers over me. She found a rhythm against my clit, stroking, rubbing, and pressing, until I was coiled tighter than a spring.
"Lisa!" I cried out, losing every semblance of control.
"Jennie." Her voice shook.
"Please," I begged.
She kept as close to me as possible, resting her forehead on mine and swallowing my gasp as she finally nudged the head of her erection inside me. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you," I promised. She slipped another inch inside me, and I clenched down on her, burning slightly where she already stretched me.
With a strangled groan, she snapped, sliding into me to the hilt. I gasped at the exquisite pressure of having her inside me, filling every part of me and pushing for more. "God! You're so tight. You fit like you were made for me," she said against my mouth, her breathing erratic as she gave me a much-needed minute to adjust.
"I was." My lips trembled under her, needing the pressure to ease. I rolled my hips and moaned at the friction.
"Don't. Just let me hold this…" Her eyes were squeezed tight, fighting to stay still, determined to go slowly with me.
I kissed her, sliding my tongue into her open mouth and stroking the roof of her mouth at the same time I thrust my hips. "Lisa," I pleaded, my nails sinking into her skin.
She pulled out, almost to the tip, and then slammed home. Pleasure ripped through me, so sweet I tasted it. "Like that?"
"Yes!"
She did it again, and again, setting a hard, deep rhythm that drove me higher and higher in the spiral. I couldn't remain passive, and dug my heels into the bed, arching into her, meeting her thrust for thrust. She didn't increase the pace, even when I begged her to, just pushed harder, deeper. Our breathing matched the intense pace, and we gave up trying to kiss, simply tasting the passion that lingered between our open mouths.
She never once looked away, the brown of her eyes darker as she stripped my soul clean with every thrust, every gasp and moan. My cries became desperate, and she finally sped up, her hips pistoning into mine with perfect pressure. "I… I…" I tried to speak but couldn't form a thought. Other than "yes," and "more," which I cried out frequently.
She rubbed her thumb over my clit as she thrust into me. The rhythm was punishing as she drove us toward completion, sweat dripping off us both. I couldn't fathom that I could do it twice, but as she rubbed again with a hard thrust, I came apart in her arms, crying out into her mouth. She swallowed the sound with a devastating kiss, and thrust faster, finally uncontrolled. Another deep push, and she shook, calling out my name as she came.
Then she collapsed over me and rolled us to the side so she wouldn't crush me. "That was…" she struggled to catch her breath. "That was amazing."
"More than amazing." I smiled, realizing I'd just had two orgasms and my heart was fine. Pounding, but fine. "Astonishing and perfect."
"Just like you." She kissed the tip of my nose.
Exhaustion swept over me as she climbed out of bed to clean up. My body started to shut down, demanding rest, and gave in fully when she pulled me against her, resting her arm over my waist and tucking my head beneath her chin.
"You're stuck with me now, Jennie Kim. I'm never letting you go," she whispered into my hair.
My eyes popped open, because I knew that she might not get a choice.