Lisa

Some things are worth holding onto, Dad, fighting for. I'm just sorry you never found it. That's your loss. Never mine.

One. Two. Three. Four. I counted compressions in my head, remembering to lace my fingers as I worked over Jennie. I thought of nothing but pushing her chest down rhythmically.

"Can you tell me her status?" The voice came from my phone, where it had crashed to the pavement on the other side of Jennie. I made it to thirty, then tilted her head to open her airway, breathing for her. I didn't have time for the dispatcher.

My father grabbed the phone. "She's doing CPR. The girl looks to be in her early twenties."

I continued compressions, placing my hands above the mark I'd already rubbed into her skin. It was the same shade as her dress.

Fingers brushed across Jennie's jugular, accompanied by a sharp intake of breath. I caught the gleam of a West Point ring on his hand just before he took the phone from my father. "She's in full cardiac arrest. She has HCM, but until now has shown minimal symptoms. There is a family history of SCD. Her records are filed electronically. Jennie Ruby Jane Kim."

"Twenty-eight, twenty-nine," I counted out loud. Her dad took over breathing so I didn't have to stop compressions.

"Come on, Jennie. Don't you dare do this," Taehyung begged in a strangled voice I barely recognized. "You're the fierce one, remember? Fight."

I concentrated on each thrust of my hand, catching the small sucking sounds she made as air dragged into her lungs when I pushed just right.

Her chest cracked beneath my hands, a sickening pop sound. "Shit!" My hands flew off her. "I broke something!"

"Probably a rib. Keep going!" General Kim ordered.

Bile rose in my throat, but I kept it down and returned to compressions, trying to ignore that I'd just broken Jennie's tiny body. "Let's go, Little Bird. We know how to do this, right? CPR is nothing new to us. We're old pros." Don't puncture her lung. Don't puncture her lung.

Wails came from behind us. Her mother? I didn't check, just kept pushing down on her chest, forcing blood to circulate through her body. Where the fuck were they? How long could it possibly take to get an ambulance here?

"Two minutes," General Kim answered, my phone up to his ear. I must have spoken out loud.

We went through another few sets of breathing before we heard the sirens. "They're here!" her mother cried.

The ambulance stopped, the paramedics rushing us. Her dad filled them in while they took vitals, but I didn't stop compressions. I couldn't. They slid a board underneath her. "Ma'am," said one of the paramedics, braced on one knee next to me. "Ma'am, we've got it from here."

He covered my hands with his own, and mine fell away.

They lifted her into the ambulance, the paramedic continuing compressions. "We're coming with her," General Kim announced, helping his wife into the rear of the ambulance while he took the front seat. "Manoban, we're headed to South East."

I nodded, because speaking wasn't going to happen. I didn't even have the strength to get off my knees. What the hell just happened? She had been okay, right? We'd just been bungee jumping today. We'd had mind-blowing sex an hour ago, and now she was strapped to a gurney?

Fuck. Did I cause this?

My heart jumped as the doors to the ambulance slammed home. I couldn't keep up with them, but I could get to the hospital soon after. I palmed my cell phone and gripped Jennie's abandoned purse when a shadow fell over me.

"Priya?" My father hovered, blocking out the last of the sunset.

I stood, fishing my keys from my pocket. "Go away."

"I came here for you, daughter. Given what's just happened, I think you could probably use me around right now."

His eyes softened, but I was too schooled in his bullshit to give in. "In the scheme of what's just happened, you are absolutely nothing to me. Rosé and I aren't going public, and it's not because you don't deserve to lose but because you're not worth the effort or the press in our lives. Go back to Washington and forget I exist, or that Rosé does. You're really good at that. I have to get to the hospital." I turned and headed for the truck. He followed me.

Taehyung honked his horn next to where Lucy was parked and stuck his head out the window. "Let's go!"

"I'm not leaving until we talk, Prapriya."

Damn, he was actually following me. I slipped my key into the door and turned. "Maybe Pranpriya would have bowed down to you, given you anything for five fucking minutes of your time, but that's not who I am anymore. I changed more than just my name, Dad. Now get the hell out of my way before I run you over."

"Sign this, and I'm gone."

"What?" I threw open Lucy's door.

"Your nondisclosure. Sign it in your new name, and I'll leave. But be warned, I'm not coming back. If you want to see me, you'll be the one making an effort. I don't beg, Pranpriya. I'm the last of your family."

"Jennie and Rosé are my family." I ripped the paper from his hand, took a pen from my glove compartment, and signed my name. "Get the hell out of my life." I shoved the paper at his chest.

He stepped to the side, and I pulled out, speeding before I left the parking lot.

--

"Here." General Kim held out a cup of coffee, and I took it but didn't drink. Three hours and fifty-one—no, fifty-two minutes had gone by in this waiting room with no word since they'd taken her. I'd worn a path from one end of the room to the other, and gone through every possible scenario—none of them pleasant—in my head before he settled into the seat next to me for the first time. "You didn't know."

I shook my head, tapping my feet in a rhythm only my racing pulse understood. Yeah, I needed caffeine like a fucking hole in my head.

"You really should drink that," he suggested and took his own advice.

The thought of swallowing anything made me want to hurl, but the smell masked the sterilized scent of apprehension all around me. I hated hospitals. Three hours, fifty-three minutes. No word. We should have heard something by now. Anything besides, "We're still trying to stabilize her."

"You saved her life. Starting compressions that fast. If…when she's stabilized, it will only be because you were with her."

"She didn't tell me," I muttered, dropping my head. "Could you please explain before I lose it?"

"She has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Her heart has thickened to the point that she has an obstruction and struggles to pump her blood. We were lucky with Jennie, and we've been able to monitor it, but we only caught it because we lost Irene. Her heart failed without warning one morning after PT. Sudden cardiac death."

The SCD triggered a memory. "Sergei Zholtok."

"I'm sorry?" Taehyung asked, taking the seat across from me and stretching out his legs.

"A hockey player who died from HCM during a game. It caused sudden cardiac death in the locker room." Shit. Everything we'd been doing the last few months raced through my mind—the bungee jumping, the ATVs, the sex. Every spike of adrenaline, every time her heart rate must have skyrocketed, caused more damage than she could afford. My stomach turned another degree sour. I could have killed her. Maybe I had. "God. I did this. She wanted to go bungee jumping today, so I took her. I never would have done half of the things…" My throat closed.

"I know." General Kim placed his hand on my shoulder, but it didn't feel as awkward as it could have. "This isn't your fault. Bungee jumping was probably the stupidest thing you could have done—"

"Try the actual stupidest thing." Taehyung growled, finally loosening his tie. Mine hadn't made it out of the car.

"—but you had no reason to suspect what was going on with her." He glared at Taehyung and stood slowly, his eyes tracking his wife as she paced, but she waved him off.

"Why wouldn't she tell me?" The knot that had permanently wedged itself in my throat tightened again.

"She didn't want you to know," Taehyung answered. "She wants to feel normal, and you give that to her…gave that to her."

I ignored his assumption. "But you knew?"

"Of course."

"And you didn't think I should?" I leaned forward on my knees, embracing the rush of heat that inched its way through me, replacing the numbness.

"I told her to tell you; you needed to know. There was no way you could take care of her without knowing. I'm still not sure you're capable."

General Kim cleared his throat, his weight shifting side to side. "Guys, Jennie made a choice, and it's not like arguing that point is going to get us anywhere at the moment. Manoban, the only answers you're going to get will have to come from her. We've all been trying to get in her head for months, and she won't let us in."

"It's not like she really let me in, did she?"

"You're one to talk, because she looked pretty damn shocked to meet your father." My jaw flexed. "This is just one thing," Taehyung added. "You know everything else but this one tiny part of her."

Everyone else had known. Her parents. Taehyung. Ho-Jung. Ho-Jung. Shit. Someone needed to call her. I reached over to the chair next to me and picked up Jennie's purse. A quick look, and I had her cell phone in hand.

"I've already called Ho-Jung, if that's what you're thinking. She had to wait for her mother, but she's on her way," Taehyung said.

"Of course you already did," I replied. I slipped her phone into her purse, and it fell off the seat, scattering the contents on the foot-worn linoleum floor. She didn't carry much, just her phone, a tube of lip gloss, a small wallet, and a folded piece of paper that landed between my feet. I put everything back in and picked up the paper last, carefully unfolding its worn edges.

Short, tight handwriting lined the page, accompanying small boxes on the left-hand side. Some were checked off in green, and others in orange. Some were still open and blank. This was Jennie's list. I ran my fingers over some of the entries, remembering how we'd done some of it together, and wondered when she'd found time to do the others.

"What is that?" Taehyung asked.

"It's her crazy little bucket list," I answered. "Everything she wanted to get done before graduating college." Taehyung raised his eyebrows in a look I'd seen many times since we started flight school, the figure-it-out look. "Oh, shit. It's because of her heart."

He nodded as a doctor was paged overhead.

My chest tightened, the paper wrinkling under my grip. "It's stupid. Everything on this list can get her killed."

"Hence why I told her no every time she asked me to do something." My eyes narrowed at him. "Hence why she chose you. She wouldn't even let me see the damn list."

I thumbed over some of the orange boxes—they were the ones I'd done with her—and let those words sink in. Jennie chose me for a reason, and she'd chosen not to tell me for the same reasons I'd chosen not to tell her about my father. We'd been happy in our bubble, as she called it.

The doors swung open, and my breath caught, but it was only Ho-Jung and her mom, followed closely by Lee. I shoved the list into my pocket before reading the rest of the boxes. General Kim met the women and directed them to his wife. Taeyong crossed the room, dropped a black backpack at my feet, and consumed the seat on my left, taking my coffee and handing me a bottle of ginger ale without so much as looking at Taehyung. "It'll help with the nausea."

"How did you—"

"Just drink it."

I unscrewed the lid and took a swig, the bubbles washing the dryness from my mouth. "How did you know I was here?"

"Yeah, funny story. This Robert Redford look-alike knocks on our door with a giant bodyguard a couple of hours ago. Turns out he's the ranking member of the Senate Armed Services Committee, and he's looking for his daughter…Pranpriya. Don't give me that look—I watch CSPAN. Anyway, I'm thinking he's off his rocker until he says Kim's name. Then I'm thinking maybe he's not so crazy, and maybe I'm not the only one in the house who doesn't like to flay open her past. Since you didn't answer any texts, I found Ho-Jung's number, and here I am."

I slipped my phone from my pocket and cursed at the dead battery. "Fuck. I'm sorry…for all of it."

He motioned to the backpack. "Don't worry about the phone, I brought you an extra charger. As for the rest, you don't owe me an explanation." Taehyung scoffed, and Taeyong glared. "And you certainly don't owe second-choice Taehyung one."

Taehyung mumbled something that sounded like, "Go fuck yourself," and walked over to where everyone else huddled near the doorway.

"How is she?"

I twisted the cap on and off. "I don't know. They're trying to stabilize her. They haven't given us an update for about an hour or so."

"Shit day."

I dropped my head into my hands. The condensation dripped off the bottom of the cold soda bottle, leaving wet splotches on my pants. "What am I going to do if she doesn't…if they can't…"

"Don't." Taeyong clasped my shoulder and gave it an awkward pat. "You open that door and it's all you'll think about. Focus on something else, anything but that."

"I can't." I tried to suck deep breaths in, fighting the urge to hurl as my vision hazed over. Existing without Jennie was a physical impossibility, like imagining a world without oxygen.

He reached in front of me, unzipped the small pocket of the backpack, and thrust a yellow 59 booklet at my face. "Then quiz me."

"What?" I sat up.

"We have a test tomorrow, remember? Quiz me." He shook the study guide, and I momentarily debated hitting him with it, but I took it instead.

Where was that focus that always pulled me through the worst shit? I would fly that fucking helicopter because that's what had gotten me this far. Block everything else out. You're good at that. But her name was all that came to mind as I quizzed Taeyong for the next two hours. Photographic memory or not, my brain just didn't tune in.

At some point Ho-Jung and Taehyung took over the seats across from us. Ho-Jung quickly fell asleep on Taehyung's shoulder, and Ho-Jung's mom kept the Kims stocked in coffee. Six hours and seven minutes after we brought her in, the door swung open, and I stuttered over the last question I asked Taeyong as the doctor addressed the Kims across the room.

Mrs. Kim's knuckles turned white against the dark fabric at the waist of her husband's blazer. They both nodded, but there were no tears. That had to be a good sign. I found my legs and stood, only to be given the universal wait symbol by General Kim. They disappeared down the hallway, and every one of my nerve endings fired, desperate to crawl out of my own skin to get to her.

Ho-Jung's mom woke her up. "Let's go, honey. She's stabilized for now in the ICU, but they're not going to let anyone but family in tonight. Let's get you home."

Stabilized. The knot in my throat loosened slightly.

Ho-Jung blinked the sleep out of her eyes and nodded. "You okay?" she asked Taehyung.

"Yeah. If she's stable, I'll head home." He looked over at me. "Manoban?"

"I'm staying."

"They're not going to let you in tonight."

"I'm not leaving this hospital until they let me see her." I sank a little deeper into the hard plastic chair.

"We have to be on the flight line at seven thirty a.m., and there's a huge test in the afternoon. How are you planning on swinging that with no rest?"

"I'll be there, and I'll still be able to outfly you."

"Yeah, because this is adequate crew rest. Lee, talk some sense into her." He followed Ho-Jung and her mom out.

Taeyong motioned to the backpack. "I figured you wouldn't leave, so there's a clean change of clothes, a flight suit, and a shit ton of caffeine. You're going to need it." He was halfway out the door before he turned around. "Oh, and I left your boots under your truck since the door was locked. Just pray no one steals them."

It was another half hour before the Kims came out. Mrs. Kim's eyes were bloodshot, but she had a faint smile on her face. "She's asking for you," she said softly but crystal clear across the empty waiting room.

"Room 728," General Kim called after me as I sprinted through the swinging doors. I slowed to a walk when I got a death glare from a nurse whose last name was probably Ratched.

I nearly stumbled when I caught sight of her. Her skin gave the sheets competition in the pale department, and her hair was piled limply on top of her head. An oxygen tube lay under her nose, and wires trailed out of her neckline. A monitor beeped in rhythm with her heart, and an IV dripped steadily. Her eyes were closed, her breathing deep.

The chair made no noise as I pulled it toward her bed, sitting close enough to her to ghost my fingers across her upturned palm. Her eyes flickered open, the normally crystal green a hazy moss color, and I took my first full breath since she'd stopped her own.

Everything I wanted to tell her, to ask her, sprinted across my brain. Every demand for information about her condition. Every condemnation for not telling me. Every whisper of thanks for what she brought to my life. Every hope and fear that consumed me, because I already knew she was my only possible future. Instead, I lowered the side railing of her bed and laid my head next to her hip so I could still see her as she struggled to open her eyes. "I love you. You're my entire world."

A weak smile floated across her face as she feathered her hand into my hair. "Thank goodness, because you're my universe." Her words slurred, and her eyelids drooped. "I love you, Lisa. Don't leave? Stay with me?" Her voice trailed off as she lost the battle with sleep, her breath evening out.

"Always." I glanced at the clock, knowing I needed to go—this week was going to be a bitch with tests and final check rides—and knowing I wouldn't. I couldn't take leave right now, not without failing primary, so I'd have to deal with the sleep deprivation.

It was six forty-five a.m. when I pulled myself away from her. I'd spent the night in and out of her room, leaving at intervals forced by Nurse Ratched. Taeyong had nailed the hospital kit, so I got ready in her bathroom and headed out, kissing her forehead. Thankfully, no one had stolen my boots, so I made it to the flight line on time, but I was off my game, even with an energy shot. Not enough to crash us, but enough for my IP to shake his head. Taehyung tried to cover for me when I missed more than half the answers. But I made it through the morning, even with Jennie consuming nearly every thought.

By the afternoon, my mind was fuzzy, and I'd had enough caffeine to jump-start a racehorse. I tapped my pencil on the desk, mentally counting down the minutes until I could get back to the hospital.

Then I took out Jennie's bucket list and read over some of the boxes we hadn't checked off yet, trying to think of ways to make them happen for her. Some of them were so unlike her that I had to wonder how well I really thought I knew her. Go surfing—when she could barely swim?

"How are you doing?" Taehyung asked. I wanted to punch him a little less today. Either he was growing on me, or I was too exhausted for hate.

"Thanks. Surviving."

"It's a lot to take in." His eyes dropped to the paper. "Her list?"

"Yeah. Some of it just…I don't know. They're all amazing, wild things to do, but it's like she tried to pick the craziest, most dangerous things, and honestly, I don't think she'd enjoy doing half this shit. And get a belly-button ring is marked off, but I know she doesn't have one."

"Belly-button ring?" He reached for the list, but paused, looking at me for permission.

I nodded and handed it over. "Make a name for herself at West Point? What the hell is that even supposed to mean? I know she's hell-bent on getting all these done, but it doesn't even feel like her."

Taehyung's face drained of color as he scanned down the paper. "Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she tell me? God, Jennie. She never meant for this."

Chills erupted on my arms.

"All right, boys and girls, it's test time," our instructor said, closing the door behind him and passing stacks of tests down the aisles.

"What do you mean?" I asked Taehyung.

"It's not her list—not her handwriting, and those green marks? You're right, she didn't do those. The belly-button ring, the skinny-dipping, the mechanical bull…I was there for all of it that summer, but…not with her. I never even knew she'd made something like this." He dropped the paper on my desk like it had burned him. "Jennie's finishing Irene's list—the one that got her killed."

The test hit my desk as my stomach hit the floor.