6. A GLASS OF WHITE WINE IN THE AFTERNOON
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"I don't even know why you need me here, Janet! You can manage just fine all by yourself."
"Come on, Chrissy. I've always admired your taste in clothes. You are such a sharp dresser! While I – "
"While you," cut in Chrissy with a complacent chuckle, "most of the time just pull on any old rag without as much as a glance in the mirror. Still, it's not like you were buying yourself a whole trouseroo."
"A what?" Janet looked perplexed, then burst out laughing. "Are you trying to say trousseau?"
"Am I? If you say so. I've always wondered why a bride's new wardrobe should be all trousers. I mean, it can't only be trousers, can it?"
"I should hope not," smiled Janet.
"Where are we going, anyway? I didn't know there was a bridal boutique around here."
"There isn't," said Janet just as they walked up to a modest-looking dress shop. "Here we are."
Chrissy followed her in, bemused. "This? A funny place to shop for a wedding gown!" She stared all around her at the racks of inexpensive women's clothes.
"Ta-da!" Janet took a dress off a rack and held it up dramatically.
"Are you nuts, Janet?" Chrissy's eyes flew wide open in disbelief. "This dress may be fine for a walk in the woods but not your wedding!"
"Then I can use it for both!" laughed Janet.
"Who ever heard of getting married in a cotton print dress?! What's wrong with a normal wedding gown? It doesn't have to cost a fortune. I know a place where you can get one at a decent price."
"I guess I could. But I think this one suits me better."
"Don't be ridiculous! It's not even white!"
"Do I have any special reason to wear white to my wedding, Chrissy?" Janet was smiling but there was a faintly bitter note in her voice.
"No, it's just – I guess it's tradition."
"Maybe I want to start a new tradition. Anyway, let me try it on for you." Janet ducked into a fitting room.
"Wow!" gasped Chrissy as her friend emerged a couple of minutes later. "You sure look like – like – something."
"Something's better than nothing!" Janet did a model-like runway walk past Chrissy culminating in a jaunty half-turn.
The dress was lightweight pale blue cotton with a delicate floral pattern, short sleeves, a discreet V-neck and a full skirt with a small ruffle at the hem falling just below the knee. As Janet spun around, the skirt fanned out, making her look as if she were about to take flight. Chrissy had to admit to herself it did suit her better than any heavy, elaborate satin gown ever could.
"I kinda see your point, Janet. This dress is so – so you."
"I take it, you approve."
"Totally! But you didn't really need my approval, did you? You already knew you were gonna get it, right?"
"Perhaps," agreed Janet. "Still, I wanted you to take one final look before I paid for it. Besides, what if I just wanted to spend an afternoon with you? Anything wrong with that?"
"That's so sweet! But you know you don't need any excuse for us getting together."
"Of course, honey. As long as you are here, why don't we go have a nice cup of coffee? And maybe a glass of white wine to celebrate? I know a half-decent place nearby."
...
"I hope you know how lucky you are, Janet! Your fiancé adores you, his folks love you so much they think you are too good for their own son, and in case you haven't noticed, that Brian is a total dreamboat! You couldn't do better in a thousand years!"
"Believe me, Chrissy, I know."
"Good, just making sure you did. Because you don't act like it."
"Huh?" Janet put down her coffee cup and stared at Chrissy. "How do you mean?"
"You'd think a girl marrying a fabulous guy like Brian would want to announce it to the whole world. Instead, you act almost as if – as if you were ashamed of it."
"Why, what makes you say that?"
"Look, I know a big wedding would cost a lot, and you guys are saving up for a place of your own. But I'm getting a feeling you would like nothing better than to elope and get married in total secrecy."
"Actually, eloping is not such a bad idea. We did consider it at first but decided against it."
"What made you guys change your minds?"
"Mainly, not wanting to be murdered by the Connellys. They were all clamoring for a "real" wedding, so we had to compromise. I could do without all the pomp, and so could Brian."
"Brian wants whatever you want. If you wanted to get married in mid-air wearing a parachute, he would be off looking for a minister slash skydiving instructor. And if you want a hole-in-the-wall wedding – "
"Now, Chrissy, it's anything but hole-in-the-wall. Believe me, it's going to be beautiful. Different but beautiful. Just without all the "bridezilla" frenzy. That really does no one any good."
"Agreed. Okay then." Chrissy looked relieved. "Because for a while back there it seemed as if you were trying to hide it from everybody. Even your own family."
"I am doing nothing of the kind! Why would I?" bristled Janet. "Mom and Dad couldn't be happier. They are heartbroken they can't make it out here but with Dad's health issues, he's not supposed to fly for quite a while."
"Bummer," agreed Chrissy.
"But Jenny's planning to be here, of course."
"Oh good!"
"Depending on whether or not she gets into that advanced pre-law program. It's so intensive that she won't be able to get away for a few months. "
"When did your sister ever not get into wherever she wanted? So, it looks like I'll be the only one there to prove you had actually existed before Brian Connelly."
"Chrissy," Janet's eyes welled up. "I wouldn't think of getting married without you standing up with me."
"I know, honey. I know."
Both were silent for a while, holding hands.
"Come to think of it," said Janet at length, "you've hit the nail on the head. I do sometimes feel like hiding it all from everybody. Only not for the reason you thought. I am afraid to – to jinx it."
"What a funny idea! Why would you jinx it?"
"I don't know but that's how I feel. As if it could all be snatched away from me and vanish. As if it were only a dream, and I could wake up any moment. As if – "
"As if you were crazy! What's wrong with you, Janet? It's not like you to be so silly – I mean, so insecure. Do you think you don't deserve to be happy?"
"That's just it!" exclaimed Janet. Startled, Chrissy almost dropped her wine glass. "I feel I don't! I feel I am not worthy! Of Brian, of his love, of a happy marriage – "
"But why, Janet? Why?" Chrissy stared at her friend in distressed confusion. "What do you think is so bad – Wait a minute. Does this have anything to do with – with – with what happened with Jack?"
Janet nodded, eyes downcast. "You don't need to tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am not to blame. Brian and I had a long talk about this, and he told me the same thing."
Chrissy shook her head in amazement. "Brian's looking better and better to me with every passing minute, although I didn't think it was possible. Well then, what's the problem?"
"I can't help the way I feel. No matter who tells me this, I still can't help feeling tainted."
"Janet, listen." Chrissy leaned in closer. "It was a very bad thing to have happened but you can't wallow in it for the rest of your life. You really need to get over it and move on."
"I know that, Chrissy! I just haven't been able to! Perhaps with time – "
"And not just you," Chrissy went on. "Jack, too."
Janet's eyes flashed with anger. "He needs to move on?! He?! If I feel I don't deserve to, he definitely does not!"
Chrissy waited for her outburst to spend itself, then continued quietly but firmly: "Janet, can you just hear me out? I need to tell you something important but I don't know how you are gonna take it."
Janet turned as white as a sheep. "Perhaps I better hear it."
"Okay. First off, of course, I don't condOm what he did – "
"You don't... what?"
"CondOm! Why, did I get it wrong again?"
"You must mean "condone".
"Yes, that! You say he's lucky he's not in prison. But if you knew how he's been living all this time, you'd see he might as well be. At least, then he would know he was paying for what he had done, but after he had served his time he'd be out, and his plate would be wiped clean. But this – "
"Slate," corrected Janet automatically.
"Whatever. In a way, this is worse than prison. His sentence will never be over. He has no chance to make amends or earn your forgiveness or even tell you how sorry he is. He'll never be able to get closure. And no one deserves that. Not even the worst criminal."
Janet stared at her, wide-eyed with shock. Chrissy carried on:
"Believe me, he's punished himself many times over. He's lost everything, Janet. All his friends, his job, his future as a chef. He's dropped out of school. He can't focus on doing anything. He's just so – so – sad!" Her face was suddenly flooded with mascara-stained tears. "You didn't know any of this, did you? I am the only one who is there to see it, and I can't take it any more! My heart's just about to break!"
She buried her face in her hands. Janet sat frozen.
After a while, Chrissy was able to speak again. "I am the only one who is there for him. Nobody deserves to be completely alone. He'd be lost if not for me. If I weren't with him – " She stopped abruptly and stared at her hands, then looked up. "Janet, this is what I've been meaning to tell you, only I don't know how you are gonna feel about it. The thing is, he is – I am – he and I are – "
"He and you are what? Spit it out!"
"Together," breathed out Chrissy.
Janet fell back in her seat, as if punched in the gut.
Chrissy went on, avoiding her eyes: "Remember that time you and Brian came over? After you left – I mean, after Brian carried you out on his shoulders, I thought Jack was about to have a heart attack or lose his mind. I wanted to comfort him any way I could, so I started kissing him, and kissing him, and – Janet, please say something already!"
"And one thing led to another," said Janet tonelessly.
"So, what do you think?"
Janet was still for such a long time that Chrissy got alarmed. She was just about to shake her friend's shoulder when she stirred. Staring intently at Chrissy, she opened and closed her mouth several times.
"I don't know what to say," she said at last in a barely audible voice. "This is – this is not easy for me. I am just trying to understand, and I can't. How could you? After what he – knowing what you – how could you, Chrissy?"
"I am sorry I betrayed you." Chrissy sounded crushed. "I guess you hate me now."
"What?! Not even close!" Janet sat up and protested with unexpected vehemence. "Why would I hate you? And you didn't betray me! This is not at all what it's about!"
"Then what is it about?"
"I am not so sure myself. I guess I just – I just need some time to process this."
"All the time you need." Both fell silent again.
"To tell the truth, I don't even hate him," began Janet finally. "I was angry, of course. Angry as hell. And I did want him to be punished. I did think he should suffer for what he had done to me. But it's one thing to imagine some vague retribution in the abstract, and a whole different thing to wish on him... that. The kind of life you describe. That's not at all what I wanted. Nobody should be so completely alone with themselves, having to face their own souls."
"He is not completely alone," said Chrissy under her breath.
"You know something, Chrissy? I can't say I forgive him. I wouldn't go so far as to say I am happy for him. But I've just realized I am actually glad he has you. Baby steps."
"I'm so glad you are glad!" Chrissy's tear-stained face lit up.
"But there's still something I don't understand. You'll get no judgment from me, but I thought you were saving yourself for marriage?"
"So I was." Chrissy spoke abruptly, bitterly. "Only where is it, that marriage? If I had stayed in Fresno, it would've happened ten times already. But not here, in L.A. And I am still not ready to move back home. I am not getting any younger, Janet. Before I know it, I'll be thirty. What was there to save it for?"
The late afternoon sunlight falling on her face, Janet for the first time noticed with a shock the fine lines around her friend's eyes and mouth.
"What about Jack? Has he said anything about getting married?"
"Well, he – he has – not exactly. Not yet. I mean, he hasn't. But he will. I am sure. Probably." Chrissy seemed uncertain whether to continue but then soldiered on. "If he does… and we do… how would you feel about it?"
Janet drew a deep breath. "Baby steps, Chrissy, remember? One baby step at a time."
"I understand. This is a lot. You need time to accept it."
"It's not only that. I mean, of course I do. But I am also thinking of you. Being with a man who is capable of something like that – Does he treat you as he should? Has he ever hurt you?"
"Of course not! Janet, what he did to you... it's not what he is. He told me it had felt as if he had been possessed by an evil spirit. I think he is being doubly careful now not to let that evil spirit take over again."
"He better be. Chrissy, I swear, if he ever hurts you in any way – I told him before I was gonna kill him, but obviously I haven't. But if he ever is a dick to you – "
"Thank you, honey, but please don't worry. He's been on his best behavior."
"Of course he has," muttered Janet. "He knows he can't afford to lose you, too, or he'll be totally screwed. Chrissy, listen... I get that you feel sorry for him. But that's not enough to build a relationship on. Do you love him?"
"I do!" cried Chrissy hotly. "I've loved him for years! A lot of good it did me – either of us."
"I – I had no idea," stammered Janet. "I don't think he did, either."
"I am not surprised. Even I didn't know."
"What do you mean? You didn't know you loved him? How can that be?"
"Because I didn't want to! Didn't want to know I loved him, didn't want to love him in the first place! Not when he was going out with a new girl every night. And even less when I saw he was getting tired of that kind of thing and falling for just one girl. Because I knew that girl wasn't me. It was you."
Janet sat with her eyes fixed on the table before her. A heavy pause hung over the two friends. Then Chrissy spoke again.
"I even loved him through that whole thing with you. Believe me, I hated myself for it, but I still loved him. I am sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about," said Janet quietly. "I know exactly how that feels."
"There was something I wanted to tell you when you were moving out. It just came to me, and I didn't even know what it meant. But you know how I sometimes know things and I don't know how I know?"
"I know, Chrissy, I know. What was it?"
"He is not gonna let you go." That's all. You had your heart set on moving out, moving away and starting a whole new life without us. Without him. And I had a bad feeling about it. But I knew you wouldn't hear me if I said anything. You didn't hear him, either."
"He did try to stop me from leaving. And he kissed me hoping that would change my mind. But how was I supposed to know it was any different from his usual screwing around? That it meant something?"
"Because, Janet, you are so smart you know stuff I have no clue about, but you can't see what's right under your nose. I could tell a mile off how badly he wanted you. And so I lied to myself. I wouldn't even let myself know how badly I wanted him. I was just hoping you'd come to your senses and you guys would get together and everything would be just fine."
"Just fine?! Let me get this straight, Chrissy. You wanted him but hoped he would get together with me? Would you have been happy if he had?"
"You know, Janet, there are different ways to be happy. Sometimes you may not be happy but you want somebody else to be happy, and if they are happy, then you are so happy simply because they are happy that you don't realize how unhappy you are. Oh boy, there I go again. You guys used to laugh at me when I talked this way. I am probably not making any sense to you."
"You are making more sense than you know, honey." Janet placed her hand over her friend's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Chrissy, look... Just tell me one thing. Are you happy now? If you are, you have my full blessing for whatever you may choose to do. That's all I need to know. Are you happy?"
Chrissy was silent for a few seconds, then nodded very rapidly several times.