XVI) Parallel world (4/6)
(Follows right from the end of part 3/6.)
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Seon Ho POV:
Yeong is obviously a man on a mission - and its every steps are evidently carefully calculated. Yeong is nothing but honest, though - undeniably. And Seon Ho has quickly realized that if there is one subject Yeong could never tire talking about: it is indeed 'His Majesty'.
That title in itself is a clear give away. From its ever presence, with sincere vehemence: "His Majesty" this; "His Majesty" that. No matter what Yeong might be talking about, it just always ends coming right back to him - and then the cycle starts over. But even more, from *everything* that is audible in each and every nuance in the tone of his parallel self's voice, any time those syllabs now pass his lips - so different when in private than the more strictly duty-related reverence Seon Ho has heard last evening when other guards had come around to take 'His Majesty' back to his palace. It sounds intimate; and way too revealing - which is exactly as intended. The proud admiration. The warm affection - and so open and complete softness. The just as open and complete fierce protectiveness, too. The unshakable belief. The literal adoration and absolute devotion. The all-encompassing *defining* truth: Yeong's entire life - entire being, even - revolves around him. It is no gravity pull, though, that has Yeong in orbit; it is free choice - and that might be even more unescapable.
And at first, you bet it just hadn't felt right. Seon Ho hadn't been able to decide whether he felt more downright angry or devastatingly sad about it; but there had been the definite growing urge to keep his newly found sibling far, far away from the clutches of a monster so entirely undeserving of such faith and such trust. And the more Yeong had started to advocate further for his case - bits thrown here and there about how good and fantastic and whatever 'His Majesty' was, 'honestly' - the more Seon Ho had felt like shaking Yeong awake and out of it.
Seon Ho had wanted to say, objectively: 'You've been indoctrinated and brainwashed; and he's the freeking cult leader.' Seon Ho had wanted to say, more simply: 'You love him.' (with possibly, as afterthought - both in accusation and incomprehesion: 'How can you?') And maybe the two are in fact the same.
Seon Ho had kept silent, though.
Because if anything, without a doubt, the man talking to him has indoctrinated and brainwashed *himself*. And even though it had felt painful to witness - intrinsically heartbreaking - Seon Ho could recognize that the emotions on the mirrored version of his own face were nothing but utterly genuine, core-rooted, and deep-felt; and Seon Ho wouldn't really have minded being rude, but he hadn't wanted to be cruel and hurt someone, even more someone who had come to save him, without having definitive proof that it was indeed necessary. This was actually not the world Seon Ho knew; and according to Yeong, each universe ran his own course, all in all.
But also because Seon Ho couldn't help but remember that particular, never-heard-before, surprising edge in that menacing voice and those hard eyes he has always hated since the moment he had been confronted with them: "How dare you take from him" - meaning him; but not meaning him at all. And so again, maybe it was not his place to judge - yet; at least. Those six words had been after all why Seon Ho had decided he might give his abuser's double the benefice of the doubt to start with.
And so, Seon Ho has opted to simply listen; until enough information might have been gathered. And the more Seon Ho had appeared to be listening, the more Yeong had felt free to speak about his subject of predilection - allowing everything to transpire; not even bothered but in fact even thrilled by knowing exactly what and how much Seon Ho got to see - even giving him at some point a tiny, playful yet sincere apologetic smile, between two salves of praises, during lunch:
"One might say I'm His Majesty's Number One fan - and it always shows."
It is baffling; honestly - the plain sincerity, no matter the evident (and unveiled) strategy. And Seon Ho, chasing facts, takes it all in - wave after wave after wave, as Yeong openly and tiredlessly works on taking his defences down.
It's about the middle of the afternoon when, as he serves fresh coffee to them both, Yeong, with a curious smile, offers him a cookie:
"I don't know if those exist in your world, but they're my favourite?"
Seon Ho doesn't recognize the brand. But it does taste good - even if more buttery than sugary; while Seon Ho generally favors the other way around. Yeong smiles as Seon Ho shares his judgement, before finishing his own cookie.
It isn't really cookies, though, apparently, that they are in fact discussing:
"Ah, well; I didn't expect those could mean to you what they mean to me. They were my favourite even before; but they're also how I first met His Majesty."
Seon Ho isn't surprised at all, by that point.
But it is intriguing; and Seon Ho can't help but frown. Yeong right away marches on - nothing but entirely serious at once:
"I offered His Majesty one of those. His Majesty refused it, of course - my timing was horrible; even if I couldn't realize it at the time. (a sigh) His Majesty has never refused another one, though."
The last part of the sentence sounds downright thankful - *blessed* even - more than actually happy or proud; and Yeong sighs once more as he wipes his hands and takes out his phone, then leans forwards in order to place it flat on the table:
"Here. There's video footage."
Seon Ho's frown deepens as he meets Yeong's eyes dead-on. This is new - this is *more*. But Yeong for sure doesn't shy away.
"You're bound to see this right the moment you google my name when your phone arrives anyway: it's one of the standard top hits - and it's fine; honestly: google away whatever you want - I do realize you might need a broader perspective; that's one of the reasons I bought you the phone right away to start with. But remember I am actually the source, when information concerns me. So it's probably better if I'm present when you become aware of some points that might possibly raise questions. I mean... Surely; we should talk. So, let's start at the beginning. But I want you to know that I'll always talk about anything you might ever need me to talk about; all right?"
Seon Ho can't help but tense. He isn't sure whether he is ready for the turn their conversation is taking - apparently, Yeong has decided time had come for the heavy artillery. But Yeong's eyes are still fully on him - gentle as always, yet *waiting*; and so Seon Ho gives a nod - he has to know, anyway; and the sooner the better in the end. Yeong nods back, before sitting back further in his chair.
"Don't be surprised when I don't actually watch it as it runs. I've seen it once; it was one time too much, as far as I'm concerned. His Majesty... (a shake of his head) I'm grateful still somehow that I could see it; I guess. I was very young; I didn't actually remember any of this - even if I've always known. But I digress. Just press play - the arrow in the middle of the screen."
Seon Ho does; placing the phone closer to him then for better viewing.
And Seon Ho watches; as toddler Yeong - so young; too young? too innocent anyway - extends his hand, cookie included, towards a white-clad child in mourning on his knees - 'His Majesty', obviously; even though Nam Seon Ho met him only years later in his own universe. The cookie is discarded to the side with an offended glare. The pretend wailing resumes.
Is it actually pretend, though - no matter the pretending? The king's face looks much more genuine than the cold passive mask Seon Ho remembers from the same event on the TV screens of his world. Besides, Yeong just appears to be such a kind-hearted person - and he loves his family; evidently. It feels at odds with supporting someone who eradicated his own for personal gain. No matter the quick mockery of cover-up investigation, led by the king himself, it was common (never talked about) belief that their power-hungry king had poisoned all his relatives. Yet here, in this world, judging from that video, one of the late king's brothers is clearly visible on screen - still alive.
"What happened? I mean: how did your king become king?"
The question surprises Yeong; he tilts his head. Not that it should actually be surprising that events weren't identical, as the universes weren't walking parallel to start with; but as both worlds were kingdoms ruled by the same man, Yeong might have thought some events might have been the same anyway, more or less consciously? Seon Ho has just realized he himself had been expecting it too after all.
"Late King Lee Ho was killed by his oldest brother. I'd rather not extend on what is nothing but a sad story; and I just won't waste any breath talking about the traitor. You can easily look it up on your own if you want to. It has always been public information. What happened in your universe?"
(Drawing quotation marks in the air with his fingers by the first two words:) "Bad food at our king's 15th birthday party. Three kitchen maids were sentenced to death. Then king, queen, and relatives all passed away. Only our present king survived - he didn't even got sick."
Yeong doesn't gasp; but he is openly shocked nonetheless. He shakes his head resolutely - in denial? in helplessness? - looking shaken right to his core. He takes a deep breath; then another.
"I can assure you none of the sort applies here. And I'll be forever grateful if you would agree to keep such knowledge strictly between the two of us. It is already bad enough that - I mean; in case you wonder: His Majesty would have come to take you out even if you hadn't been, well, you; of course. But the truth is: you being you actually made it, and still makes it, only more difficult - even if, indeed, it cannot even begin to compare to what you have been through - as sorry as I am to have to mention it - and none of us are ever going to deny any of that. But this is worse than, well, the fact that you're you - so much worse. You have no idea; but you must believe me. Not His Majesty's Parents. I must insist. His Majesty lost His Mother to cancer when He wasn't even three. His Majesty witnessed His Father run through with a sword - betrayed by His own kin, and part of His own guard, in His very own house - when He was only eight; and could have been killed right then too. Surely this is more than ugly enough as it is; His Majesty shouldn't ever get to find out - Please."
It obviously truly matters to Yeong; so what can Seon Ho do but agree - still stunned somehow by the different tale, but even more, by Yeong's visceral reaction, for once. (No matter how much of an open book Yeong exposes himself to be around him; he is always very much composed. He definitely hasn't seen something like this coming, though, and his unguarded reaction is undoubtly unprepared; which only adds to its honesty - and so, to his claim that 'His Majesty' is entirely different from his counterpart in Seon Ho's universe, too.)
"As you wish."
"Thank you. I mean it."
Silence, for a while - both coming to terms somehow with their new knowledge; and then Seon Ho can't help but inquire further, hinting at the now black phone screen:
"So. You were there."
A toddler. At such a ceremony: official, but still very private, certainly; and with even extra tight security, no doubt, according to such circumstances.
Yeong is only back to business too by now:
"Yes. My family has always been close to The Crown - at least for two centuries. That's why we were trusted into The Palace when it closed tight; after what had happened. My father was one of Late King Lee Ho's closest friends; since their military service together. I have one uncle on my mother's side who is working at Finance. And do keep this to yourself too, but I secretly believe Eun Bi might become His Majesty's Secretary somewhere down the line - which would be great; because she will probably do a better job than I do at keeping His Majesty in check - her glare is truly something. But this house? I didn't grew up here. I grew up at The Palace. And even when The Palace reopened his doors to the outside world; I stayed there. To be honest, The Palace still feels like home; more than my own place - and I moved out eleven years ago. I guess it always will. It is still the place I pass most of the day, at any rate."
(And Seon Ho hears the words for what they are: *He* is my home.)
But the new light explains a lot about Yeong, actually.
"So. You mean you've been with him - like, continuously; since you were four?"
"It is my honor to have been in His Majesty's service all that time, indeed. That's why you can believe me; when I tell you that you have nothing to fear from His Majesty."
Seon Ho notices the two smooth corrections - subtle yet evidently very important in Yeong's mind. The pronoun replacement was to be expected; the distinction location-wise, however, is somehow puzzling - and then nothing but telling; as it clicks. Duty. Not even as in 'duty first': simply duty. As a way to live.
"In his service? As in... as 'The Unbreakable Sword'?" (with the necessary quotations marks in the air)
Yeong hasn't been expecting this and sort of does a double-take; so Seon Ho explains:
"I could see a few comments under the video when it stopped. The caps catched my eyes, I guess."
Yeong sort of ducks his head away, with a hint of... a blush, maybe?
"Ah. Sure; it's not like I don't know it to be public knowledge since that slip at my promotion ceremony."
Any shyness (even if there is nothing ever actually *shy* about Yeong) is gone though as Yeong right away meets his eyes again and affirms with nothing but pride (in himself but also, and maybe even more, in 'His Majesty', clearly) and heartfelt and decided aplomb:
"But to answer your question: yes - exactly. I've always been His Majesty's Unbreakable Sword; even long before I became Captain of The Royal Guard. I'll always be."
It should feel ludicrous; not only because one simply cannot be a guard at 4 years old; but also because Yeong is (and was, by far, at such a tender age) the youngest of the two - and taking care of 'the baby' always incomb to the oldest, right?
But Yeong definitely means it. And Seon Ho has witnessed firsthand how much of a very competent and efficient guard Yeong is indeed; and has probably been for quite a long time by now. "He trained himself", Yeong's king had said - with barely veiled pride (in Yeong; which had sound off - that voice always being only full of pride about himself, as far as Seon Ho had ever heard until then).
It is strange, though, to reconcile with the fact that Yeong truly is a force to reckon with one should better not get at the wrong side of; when he has always looked at Seon Ho with gentle care and benevolent worries only, and when he looks nothing but *soft* whenever talking about 'His Majesty', as he is right now, even as he so very seriously pursues:
"To me; it's just always been there - the feeling that I should *protect* His Majesty, as best as I could; and not only because I had to, but even more because I wanted to. You see; His Majesty had been through, well, a lot - and even if I was way too young to fully understand everything, I was aware enough of what had happened. In retrospect, I think I might have wanted for His Majesty to be less sad; and less afraid. Not that I remember actually seeing His Majesty sad or afraid; even though I probably must have. Maybe I was only projecting - feeling *I* would have been very sad; and very afraid. Call it Fate. Call it Epiphany. Call it commiseration. Call it a gut feeling. It doesn't matter. I'm sure it was instantaneous; anyway. Title or no title; even if you bet I will never renonce my title. The unofficial one; at least - because I am stepping down the official one at the first sign of inadequacy; indeed. But what matters is that I know I've never felt more content than whenever His Majesty would seem content; nor more right where I belonged than whenever marching in the corridors in front of His Majesty while on His way to some official meeting, or tasting His Majesty's food, or keeping watch at the door the first time His Majesty sneaked into His Father's office in order to learn the information left on the maps or whenever His Majesty planned secret harmless mischief or birthday gifts... I mean; I wasn't told to - of course. And yes; I mirrored. But the truth is: I *claimed* - the spot, the job, the responsabilities; whatever - the honor, though; always - and the more I achieved the more I wanted and needed to become more worthy still to be able to claim more. But it wasn't pretend play. It has always been very real, to me; I simply don't remember otherwise."
Yeong doesn't hold *anything* anymore, apparently; and Seon Ho realizes that it is in fact strictly meant as extra ammunition to put 'His Majesty' in perspective for Seon Ho to see him under the new light as a different person than the tyrant in his universe and let go of his fearful expectations and doubts. It puts Yeong himself too in even sharper perspective though. Duty is not only Yeong's way to live. It is also Yeong's way to love. Actually, to Yeong, maybe the three are the same. And Seon Ho intrinsically understands this; even if he cannot really understand the rest yet - and might never.
"At some point, I must have realized that becoming Captain of The Royal Guard served both goals - that I could help at keeping His Majesty safe and well, physically and mentally, and in an environment wherein He might hopefully be not only at ease but entirely happy: actively, myself; but also through the guards I would get to select. Because if I was the one to select them, His Majesty would know He could trust them. So, I started actually training, learning; when I was about nine - not exactly with, indeed, but definitely thanks to, and under the care of, my role-models: the guards - and the rest is history. Not that His Majesty didn't trust His previous Captains; of course - this is not really about me. It's just: no one should be afraid in one's own home."
There is a slight pause, and Seon Ho's guts twist: he doesn't want Yeong to look at him as if expecting him to agree - that wretched place has never been Seon Ho's home. Yeong hasn't been talking about him though apparently, thankfully, as he continues without seeming to wait for Seon Ho's interaction, but with a drop in his voice, as if sharing some sort of secret:
"Mind you, one of the first acts His Majesty actually signed was to drastically cut part of the salary of the remaining Royal Guards - no matter the very real added risk potential at the time, even without outside events. A test of loyalty; no doubt. A way to be able to fall asleep again at night; possibly. They all stayed. There were bonusses and reequilibrations, later on. I didn't know at the time, of course; but I'm in charge now, so I'm aware."
And that's when Seon Ho realizes that whenever Yeong appears somehow shy (for lack of a better word), it is never on his behalf: it is because it concerns private information about 'His Majesty'. How very necessary it must be to convince Seon Ho, for Yeong to push through the sting of what evidently feels like some kind of betrayal (even with prior general authorization, no doubt).
Yeong's voice gets back to his usual level as the conversation lands again on his own opinion:
"And I agree. One might argue less salary might make one more open to bribery; but knowing the ones you hire are not here for the money to start with also says something about their inner line of conduct. At all levels, a Royal Guard earns nowadays still about 10% less - and 20% less at the top - in comparison to a bodyguard in the private sector. It used to be the other way around; before... We do not mind; on the contrary. Besides, we know the needs of the ones eventually under our care are covered - indefinitely; if. We come for the honor to serve, first - as we should."
Once more, it is clear exactly what The Royal Guard means to Yeong; both as an institution and as the actual persons it entails (his fellow guards nowadays and his previously mentioned role-models as a child; the rogue-gone guards are simply no part of The Royal Guard at all - they never have).
Yeong seems to realize how grim it all might sound; and corrects the course of their conversation:
"You should know though that The Kingdom nowadays is actually a safe and stable country; I swear. Do not let the troubled past interfere with any plans you might come to wish for your future. I've already told you; but allow me to repeat myself. The Kingdom is truly a good place; and you would be very welcome if you were to decide to stay around here."
This time, Yeong pointedly holds his gaze when his speech pauses; and Seon Ho gives him a nod - no promise; but the acknowledgment that he heard the words is enough, as Yeong flashes a short smile at him in return - before continuing, serious as ever once more:
"Which brings me to another piece of information you should definitely hear from me instead of stumbling upon online."
Seon Ho can't help but sit straighter somehow, indicating Yeong truly has his full attention. Yeong insists, though:
"What I am about to tell you *must* *never* leave this room. No one but His Majesty and me know the truth. It is related to the flute. I'm telling you because you know about it already and thus understand that it should stay secret; because neither His Majesty nor me wish for you to get the wrong impression of The Kingdom; but mostly because I want you to truly realize who His Majesty actually is."
Of course Seon Ho understands the necessary hush-hush about anything flute related. And he is grateful (and puzzled) it exists and decided to help him; but he knows the truth is they - Yeong and yes, 'His Majesty' - are the ones who actually saved him. Seon Ho has no intent to stab them in the back - ever.
"Okay", Seon Ho simply says - but he means it; and Yeong sees it, and seals their deal.
"Okay."
And then, it comes:
"There has been an attack on His Majesty in The Palace's forest eighteen months ago. Except it didn't happen in The Palace's forest at all. I've told you His Majesty went to another universe to fix something. And fix it His Majesty did. But we came under fire, and I got shot; badly. I nearly died. I know I honestly wasn't expecting to wake up when I passed out. So, you see; the non-attack has been recorded as such, simply because there was no other way to explain my injuries. But the truth is His Majesty saved me. You hear me. *His Majesty saved me.* His Majesty carried me back home - on his own; slowed down by my uncooperating weight while being chased after - and tarnished the Kingdom's and His reign's History yet again only to get me to the hospital, even when probably half believing it might be too late anyway. And this - *this* - is who His Majesty is. Someone who fights for good; and does what's right."
Silence falls; for quite a long time. They keep holding each other's gaze; not exactly in some battle of will - just... watching. Yeong wants him to see; and see Seon Ho does.
The first thought that Seon Ho can articulate when it has settled down is, somehow dumb:
"You're still his guard."
"I was particularly lucky; the main issue was blood loss. I'm not impaired in any way."
Seon Ho can hardly believe his ears. Surely, most people would deem themselves lucky to have survived, point - and not to be still physically adequate enough to be able to go risk dying again? Yet, Yeong barged in the tyrant's den at his king's call with no hesitation not even two days ago - to save him; a stranger?
Yeong apparently senses that his answer isn't exactly an answer to what Seon Ho asked. He doesn't shy away.
"If anything; it's even simpler, now. Only on my part, though - His Majesty has never fully agreed; and what happened of course isn't helping. But I undeniably *know* now: that I was right; that I have always been right - in my choice of life; and in my belief that it was indeed the right choice for my life. I live to serve His Majesty - in any way I can; and no matter the cost. His Majesty is The Reason - my reason. To get up in the morning. To sleep when I need to rest. To stand - and to stand up; and most of all, to stand *in the way*. To fight - and to fight to stay alive, always, you bet, in order to be able to continue to keep His Majesty alive. But yes; to die - if it ever comes to that."
There comes openly dangerous fire in Yeong's eyes as he continues:
"Not gently though - trashing and kicking and raging until the very end, if I have any say in it: because His Majesty is worthy; because His Majesty is The Light. In a way, at least, it gave a clear warning to any future possible threat. Not that I expect one; but I *will* *always* expect one anyway - there is always the possibility of the one crazy fool; I am never lowering my guard. But everyone knows now; if they ever were stupid enough to doubt it before. I do mean it. They would have indeed to get through me first. And if that makes me their first target; even better - any second lost on me only enhances His Majesty's odds."
The fire disappears just as quickly as it burned bright, as Yeong calmly finishes:
"But the truth is, in my opinion: dying, no matter how necessary if necessary, is in fact only the bare minimum."
There is something very, very soft, suddenly, in Yeong's gaze; and it is surprising, somehow, because, this time, it is directed at him, in full - much more strongly than the more usual gentle gaze.
"And I know you understand that."
Seon Ho can't help but gasp. He wasn't prepared for the blow; and he feels too late the tears already gathering at the corners of his eyes. Yeong's eyes though are much too bright too; and Seon Ho is stunned silent as he realizes those unshed tears are for him - for them: Hwi and Yeon.
"I'm so sorry; I'm honestly so sorry, Seon ho."
And Seon Ho knows that he truly means it.
For the first time, Yeong's eyes actually disengage. He shakes his head down, exhaling as he trembles, once:
"I can't even begin to imagine how much you hurt."
The tears come, then; for both of them. They let them run; in shared silence, even if their tears do not fall for the same persons.
Yeong clears his throat; meets his eyes again as he wipes his face with one hand:
"I apologize. I didn't mean to. And there's still something you need to know; but let's take a break first, okay? I think we both need a moment."
Yeong, fierce and skilled fighter who overcame death, brought to his knees by a single thought. It is painful to witness. It is humbling. But most of all, maybe: it is meaningful. And Seon Ho can't help but honestly hope that Yeong never gets to end in his own shoes.
"I agree we do."
Yeong gets up:
"I'm going to make coffee. Shall I bring back something for you, too?"
"I could use a glass of water. Thanks, Yeong."
Yeong gives him a nod; starts to walk; stops; turns back:
"I'm here; okay? I'm here, Seon Ho. And believe it or not; so is His Majesty."
And then, without waiting for an answer he doesn't expect to get, Yeong goes to the kitchen.
.
AN:
I am not okay.
(I am the one who needed a break; if you couldn't tell.)
And I apologize - both for the long wait and for that mess of a part-chapter. (and so, oups, look, the numbers of parts for this chapter got higher - again...)
But I do love them; I swear.
And most of all; always and forever: I love Yeong. I. LOVE. YEONG.
On a lighter note: They are on first name basis now ! MY HEART !
On another lighter (killing) note: Of course that 'one' who might say Yeong is Gon's Number One fan is Eun Seob.
Then: No matter Yeong's truly fantastic job on the matter; the one who really does convince Seon Ho is of course, simply, Gon himself. As it should be.
Also: Yeong doesn't lie. He doesn't tell the whole truth; not about what happened, not about where it happened, and definitely not about when it happened - of course. But he doesn't lie.
And now I feel like crying again: It must have been so dreadful for Yeong; *experiencing* the brutality of that scene and realizing that Gon - 8 years old Gon - had gone through all this: had walked barefoot through the slippery blood; had seen all the bodies littering the corridor and had yet marched on; only to stop at His Father's corpse; had recognized who had been responsible for it all - and had still met his gaze dead-on. Knowing about it and actually seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling it all truly aren't the same; right. Yeong too came back from the past with new nightmares; and just like Gon's, none of those are about himself - and he nearly died, right...
And: In case anyone wonders, yes, I've rewatched Interstellar not that long ago. Hence the Dylan Thomas wink.
Finally: Guess what will be discussed in next chapter? (It starts with RU and ends with MOURS...) OH MY OH MY !
Squeechy hugs to you all.
(And as always, thanks for any feedback, it means the Manpasikjeok to me!)