Betwixt
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive." – C.S. Lewis
I'm not shy in admitting I had a horrific temper back when I was a little girl. I was a tiny nightmare in my toddler days, without a doubt. I used to get infuriated over stupid little things, like my brother stealing my toys or not being allowed to have a cookie before dinner time. I would stomp my little feet and my face would turn an unappealing shade of puce before I would throw a temper tantrum of epic proportions to release all my bad feelings at once.
Looking back, I'm incredibly surprised that I didn't push my mom over the edge with my attitude. I guess the practice from dealing with my similarly tempered brother helped. That or she took satisfaction in catching it on tape to embarrass me later on.
As I grew into my adult years, I'm a bit ashamed to admit I never quite mastered the art of suffering silently, like a dignified adult was supposed to. Nope. I would talk about my feelings after a big blow out or use some underhanded passive-aggressive tactics to get my point across. By no means was I a martyr, content to stay silent for the sake of others. Did that make me a bad person? Probably, but I didn't care.
This time, though, was different. We had been traveling together with that ninja, Yahiko, for almost a full day after spending an uncomfortable night camped under a large tree. I didn't say a single word then entire time.
I could tell it both worried and hurt Hina when I refused to answer her questions, but still, I stayed silent. I felt like there was a thick, sour tasting lump in my throat that I couldn't get loose. It wasn't grief anymore. No, it wasn't that. I had grown to like Hiroki with his similar mannerisms to my beloved older brother, but it wasn't as if I had known him for more than a couple days. As terrible as it sounds, his death, while horribly traumatic, was not enough to silence me.
No. This was anger. Pure, unadulterated fury. Mad couldn't even begin to cover the boiling, writhing mass of rage that roiled within me. I was so angry, I couldn't even think straight, let alone speak coherently. Instead, I marched behind my mother and Yahiko and stewed silently.
Like a cosmic spit in the face, on the other hand, Yahiko talked incessantly from the moment he sent his teammates ahead to the camp. He told my mother all about how we'd be taken care of at the camp, how close we had gotten to arriving on our own, and even spent a period of time rambling about the rain. Quite frankly, it made me want to throttle him.
I had to temper myself though, as much as I didn't want to. Not all of my anger was his fault. It pained me to admit, but it wasn't him so much as what he stood for and everything he would inadvertently cause in the future. From what I could scrounge from my memory banks, he was actually a decent person. He had good intentions and he was attempting to better his country through his actions. I couldn't fault him for that. You know what they say, a voice in the back of my mind whispered, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
I couldn't forget the way he so casually dismissed Hiroki's death though. That was not easy to dismiss. Were they all so jaded that they couldn't even mourn the death of a child? Yes. And that was my problem with this world. It was corrupted, almost to a point where there would be no fixing it.
On top of my anger, like a special little cherry on top of the sundae, I was attempting to thwart the guilt I felt for denying Hiroki's last wish. I felt guilty for not fulfilling it, and that made me even angrier. Why should I feel guilty? His plea was unrealistic. It went against every single one of my morals. We weren't related, so it wasn't because I felt like I had a familial duty to fulfill. Hell, I wouldn't even consider us more than acquaintances. It wasn't my burden to carry. So why did I feel so bad?
"Chieko-chan," Hina's pleading voice cut into my internal debate, "Please, talk to me."
We were seated side by side, cradled between the twisting roots of another abnormally large tree while Yahiko had gone to do…something. Probably to check the perimeter or whatever it is that shinobi do when they're not razing villages to the ground or slaughtering innocent people, I thought with no small amount of bitterness.
I studied the stress lines on Hina's face and the deep frown that curled over her lip in the fading light of the day. I was tempted to ignore her again, but the almost desperate look in her eye stopped me. In my own selfish ruminations, I had forgotten that she was as alone in this situation as I was. We both only had each other to rely on in this Hellhole of a world. So I went with blunt honesty.
"I don't know what to say." And I didn't. I had no idea how to express how angry I was at the world in that moment.
"Chieko," she sighed, her shoulders slumping against the rough bark of the tree trunk, "I know that it was hard to see what happened to Hiroki-kun, but it couldn't have been helped. There was nothing you could've done."
"Couldn't have been helped?" I sputtered, before I could catch myself, "He was killed. It wasn't like he had drowned. It could've been helped!"
For a long moment, Hina just studied my face and my tensed posture before wrapping a thin arm around me and pulling me closer to her. "It wasn't your fault, Chieko-chan. What matters now, is that we're both safe. I could've lost you and then I wouldn't have known what to do."
That silenced me before I could've come up with a retort. She was right. We were both lucky enough to be alive, but I wouldn't necessarily say we were safe.
"Mama, we're not safe here," I insisted, knowing that this was going to be an uphill battle. It's not like I could tell her the group we were going to rely on would eventually turn into a terrorist organization. Sure, they'd win the civil war and all and bring peace to the Land of Rain, but Amegakure would become the center of a terrorist cell. A prime target for other nations as well as Tobi's home base for most of the time before canon starts up. It would not be a safe place to live.
If I had my way, we'd be long gone and living in a small cabin in a remote mountain pass. At least we would've had a chance there. It was too late to leave the country now, so I had to try to get her to move as far from the rebels as possible instead.
"We've talked about this. We're safer here than we would be anywhere else," Hina said in that scolding tone that only mothers seem to use.
I was momentarily cowed, but sheer stubbornness won out, "Do we have any family members we could live with? Anyone far away from here?"
"No," she snapped, tightening her hold on me a bit.
Common sense would've told anybody else back off, but I was past the point of caring. Surely, I had to have a grandfather, a grandmother, or even a very distant cousin. At the very least, I should know if those relatives were dead.
"There has to be someone," I persisted.
She avoided my eyes and her brow slightly furrowed and I knew she was about to lie before she even opened her mouth. "No. There's no one, Chieko-chan. I am an orphan."
"You're ly—" I begun to say when Yahiko waltzed back into the camp with his arms full of some type of berry clusters.
"So you can talk!" He exclaimed with a happy expression as he gently dropped the clusters into a clean bag that my mother held out towards him.
Almost as soon as the words came out of his mouth, I clicked my jaw shut and pursed my lips tightly together.
He continued like he hadn't even noticed, "Your name is Chieko, right? That's a pretty name!"
Still, I stayed silent. He rifled through his pack for some unseen object and kept talking. "You know, you seem like the type of person who matches their name. You're pretty smart, yeah?"
I exchanged a pleading glance with Hina, hoping that she'd step in and get him to stop talking to me, but she carried on with picking the leaves out of the berry clusters and ignored my plight.
I did notice how her lips pursed together at his statement though. It was beginning to dawn on me that this may have been what she was talking about before we left the ruins of Yokoburi. Was he testing me? My eyes narrowed slightly and I began to watch him a bit closer. I doubted that he'd take me away to some child soldier training camp, but I wasn't about to risk it.
"I've met some people who really didn't match up to their name. Yeesh, on this one mission a while back, I ended up battling with this chick named Emiko. Let me tell you, her parents should've named her something like Kameko or Kazuna. For some reason, she didn't seem happy when I pointed it out…she sure had a mean right hook though!"
Internally, I winced. I could only imagine what this Emiko looked like if he thought that 'child of the tortoise' or 'one vegetable' would have been appropriate names. Somehow, when I read the manga, I didn't realize how tactless he really was. Similar to Naruto, indeed.
After seemingly finding what he wanted in his pack, he plopped down right in front of me and kept talking, his blue eyes beaming at me.
"You're gonna really like the camp!" He exclaimed, leaning forward a bit. "There are plenty of kids around your age to play with, so you'll have lots of new friends."
I heard Hina snort quietly at the last part of his statement and I had to fight to keep a smirk off my face. Apparently, she realized how unlikely it was that I'd be delighted to be around "kids my age" again. I wasn't cooperative back when Yokoburi was still standing, and I sure as Hell wasn't going to go along with it this time. After what happened to Hiroki, I wasn't willing to take the chance again. Not when the wound was still fresh.
"You too, Hina-san," he turned his attention to my mother. "I've seen plenty of young women around the camp. Sometimes they'll get together to work on sewing and do whatever it is women do when men aren't around," He scratched the back of his head absentmindedly while speaking.
I couldn't help but stare with a frown. He really was like Naruto. He had some of the same physical quirks, like scratching the back of his head when he was feeling bashful or self conscious or that slightly crooked smile he'd get when he was absurdly pleased with something.
"What's wrong, Chieko-chan?" Yahiko asked, cocking his head at my expression. I was irritated that he used such a familiar honorific, but I knew it would be pointless to correct him. Suddenly, a look of realization dawned on his face and he let out a loud sigh before saying, "Ohhh, I know what this is about!"
My muscles tensed to the point of soreness at his revelation and even Hina stopped her fiddling with the berries to turn her attention to what Yahiko was about to say. I half expected him to bring up Hiroki, and I was not ready to face what had happened, let alone talk about it with him of all people.
"You're scared someone like that crazy loyalist is going to pop out again, aren't you?" He then gave a self assured nod, like he just puzzled out the mysteries of the world and leaned forward with his hands braced on his knees and said with conviction, "You don't need to worry, Chieko-chan! I'm here to protect you and Hina. I'm the strongest ninja this side of Amegakure, so you have nothing to worry about!"
His declaration that we were safe, of all things, with him grated on my last nerve. You could say it was the last straw on the camel's back because everything came pouring out at once.
"Nothing to worry about?" I howled hysterically, my face contorted in anger, "Where were you when Yokoburi was burned to the ground and our home ripped to shreds?"
"Chieko, stop—" Hina lurched forward in an effort to quiet my rant.
"If you're so strong, then why did Hiroki die?" I spit bitterly, with a mocking edge, "You failed to protect us then, didn't you?" At that point, I was stumbling over every other word in part because of my limited verbal skill and the rest because I couldn't seem to stop what was coming out. It was like a flood of emotions.
My words were cruel. I knew that. But they were also true. Everything I had been keeping locked up had poured out in those short few sentences and my shoulders were starting to slump without the burning rage to bolster my determination.
"You ninja," I wearily murmured, my voice barely above a whisper, "you don't understand. You ruin everything."
With that, I pried myself from my mother's grasp, moved a few feet away from them both and curled up into my cloak with my back turned to them. I was done. I had nothing more to say.
For a long period of time, there was nothing but the sounds of the surrounding wildlife and the rain. I was slowly drifting in and out of awareness, tired, but my mind too full of thoughts and feelings to really rest.
It was about an hour after my outburst when the silence was finally broken.
"Yahiko-san, I am terribly sorry for my daughter's actions. She's young and emotional. She hasn't learned to temper her tongue yet," Hina apologized, her voice barely audible over the rain.
There was a slight pause, and I imagine Yahiko was processing her words, "It's fine, Hina-san. She's very smart for her age. She seems more aware than other kids."
Hina hesitated, and I could tell without looking that she was calculating her words and measuring the effect they would have before speaking. "Chieko has been forced to adapt to her environment. She's merely adjusting to survive. Nothing more, nothing less."
Yahiko let out a sigh, and there was a brief respite from the conversation before he blurted, "Hina-san, if you don't mind me asking, was your husband lost in the battle at Yokoburi?"
There was a tense silence and I was sure my mother was going to snap at him like she did anybody else who was nosy enough to ask, but I was surprised when she answered, though there was an obvious strain in her voice.
"I do mind," she gave a harsh sigh before continuing, "but I will be honest with you. He was not killed at Yokoburi. I am not married. Chieko's father is out of the picture, if that is what you're worrying about."
"Ah," he said in response, before hesitantly asking, "is there anything I should be aware of before taking you in to camp? You both will be scanned and searched for any threat to our organization. Action will be taken if anything is found."
He didn't need to specify what would happen. We all knew it would mean death, should they even be slightly suspicious. The rebels had no room for leniency with the threat of Hanzo looming over them.
"No," was all Hina had to say.
There was another lull in conversation and I was beginning to drift into sleep, when Yahiko's voice cut through my drowsy state.
"Hina-san," he began, "have you ever considered Chieko's future as a kunoichi?"
I had to consciously resist tensing up my muscles at his question and I held my breath as I waited for Hina's response.
"I have," Hina answered reluctantly, "but that life is too dangerous for my daughter."
I heard some rustling, as Yahiko shifted his position, "I understand that, but she may not have another choice."
Was he saying that they'd force me to be a ninja? Hina started to protest, probably coming to the same conclusion as I had.
"No," he stopped her, "please listen. We both know our country is becoming more and more unstable. Your home was destroyed because of it. Hina-san, both you and your daughter are completely defenseless."
The words stung, but he was right. We were entirely defenseless, but I didn't like where this was headed. His argument was becoming increasingly convincing, and I knew Hina would acknowledge that.
"Chieko-chan can learn to protect herself. She doesn't have to be defenseless."
Oh, he was good. Very good. I could see how he managed to organize a rebellion with charisma like that. I could see where he was coming from, but he was clearly avoiding the bottom line. He wanted me to be trained as a ninja so I could become some brainwashed, emotionless little solider that would get killed off in a matter of years, if not months. No. Hell no.
"You don't have to answer now, but I'm asking you to think about it. This could really be what's best for Chieko-chan in the long run," Yahiko pleaded, his voice sounding painfully earnest.
Hina's silence was telling. She's really considering this, I thought disbelievingly. The woman was more uptight about shinobi than I was sometimes, and here she was, seriously thinking about forcing her daughter to become one.
I've been stripped of my home, my family, my friends, and my culture. I've lost almost everything, and I've gained so little. This world was already corrupting me, bit by bit. I could feel it sliding through my veins like a poisonous muck that clung to my very being. I had one thing left to me, and that was my ideals. I was going to cling to them—with or without Hina's support.
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The next morning dawned bright and early with the grey tinged light casting its typical gloomy tint over the jungle surrounding us. We ate the berries Yahiko collected last night quietly, and before I knew it, we were well on our way.
Supposedly, we were close to the camp and we would be there within the hour. I didn't know exactly why we had camped outside when we were so close in the first place, but I was relieved.
My feet felt like they were encompassed in blisters and I was sore down to the bone from so much exercise. I don't think I could've walked that last part of the journey the previous night, and I would've rather chanced the wild alone than let Yahiko carry me.
As we walked, the forest began to thin out until we finally breeched into a large clearing. Hundreds of tan and green colored tents littered the field and I could see people milling about between them.
From where we were standing, though, we had an up close and personal view of the shinobi on guard. There were three-man cells of what I assumed were less-experienced ninja dotted around the camp in a large circle, all tensed and warily watching the tree line for enemy ambushes.
Yahiko ushered us to a large tent on the outskirts of the camp with a few burly looking men guarding the entrance closest to us. Nervously, I clasped Hina's hand with my shaking one.
It had been easy enough to conceal the shaking in my hands from Yahiko while traveling because I could hide them under my cloak, but at the sight of all these potential threats, my whole body was practically shaking like a leaf. I hated how it gave away my nerves so easily, but I couldn't do much more than hope it would fade with time.
The guard nearest to us eyeballed us furtively with a deep-set frown on his face while Yahiko spoke to his partner quietly. Within a matter of moments we were ushered inside.
The tent was sparsely furnished, with only a couple lamps, chairs and a bunch of curtain panels. Yahiko turned to us as a woman with long brown hair strolled over and stood quietly behind him.
"I have to leave you here to meet up with my team, but I'm leaving you in good hands," he gestured to the woman behind him, "Suzuki-san will help you get all set up in the camp. I'll see you both around."
With that, he waved us farewell, and exited the tent swiftly. Hina and I both turned to the quiet woman expectantly.
"Well, now that Yahiko-san has left us, I'll need you both to go into one of these curtained off areas so I can perform the necessary search before we move on to the next step." She quickly herded us both into a larger area, shut the curtains behind her, and gestured for us to begin undressing.
I grumbled internally while moving to pull off my simple tunic and pants to set on the nearby chair, as did Hina, though she was a lot more hesitant. Once she saw that we were done, Suzuki moved forward and had me lift my arms out as she patted me down. It was definitely uncomfortable and it reminded me a bit of the overzealous TSA from my past life. She then ran her hands through every bit of my hair, searching for god knows what, only pausing to comment on the rarity of blond hair around these parts.
My search was done relatively fast, so I was dressed and seated on the chair that held my clothes while Suzuki moved on to my mother. Hina looked uncomfortable, not so much at the physical pat down, but like she was lost in a memory of some sort that she didn't want to think about.
I wanted to ask, but I knew better than to bring it up in front of a stranger. Hina was extremely private about personal information, so I would get a one word answer or she would completely avoid the question if I bothered her right now.
With the frisk done, Suzuki ushered both my newly dressed mother and me toward the very back of the tent where a stern looking man in a white coat waited with a clipboard. Suzuki quickly introduced us to each other, the doctor writing down our names on separate sheets of paper.
"Kimura-sensei will run some quick diagnostics to check your health," Suzuki explained, "then we'll go get you assigned to a tent number and meal time."
I wasn't sure how I felt about this unknown man doing anything to me, but I wasn't given much of a choice. Hina plopped me down on the exam table and within seconds, the doctor was passing a glowing green hand over my head, and then scanning over my body.
Chakra didn't feel like I thought it would. I thought maybe it would be warm, you know, because it's concentrated energy of a sort or maybe even cool and tingly, like mint toothpaste. It felt like neither. It was more…I don't know, gooey maybe? It felt like some type of viscous fluid, like syrup. It was disconcerting.
I was so overwhelmed by the sensation, that I almost didn't notice when the doctor finished his diagnostic. He started to rattle off information, and looked to my mother to make sure she was paying adequate attention, "She's a bit below average on the height percentile and somewhat malnourished, but that's nothing a bit more food couldn't fix. Her lung capacity is perfect along with her liver and kidney cells, so there's nothing to worry about there."
Well, that was nice to know. "Her feet are a bit blistered from the extensive traveling you've done, and she has a couple pulled muscles, but those should heal within a few days." I could have told him that. "The only notable thing is her chakra. Does she have a shinobi father, Hina-san?"
Hina stiffened at the question, and paused for a moment before admitting, "Yes. He was a ninja."
The doctor hummed, clearly unsurprised, "It shows in her chakra levels. They're higher than a typical child born to two civilian parents would be. They're normal for the child of a shinobi though."
I felt my eyebrows practically hit my hairline with surprise. Not so much that my father was a shinobi. No, I had expected that with how Hina both avoided speaking about him and shinobi in general. What I didn't expect was that I had chakra.
I mean, it made sense, considering where I was, but I didn't feel it. Knowing what I know now, I realize that I didn't even feel my chakra coils develop when I was an infant. I had no traumatic memory of an incurable itch or pain from an unknown origin. It was like nothing was out of the ordinary.
During my ruminations, I had been removed from the table and placed on a chair while my mom's diagnostic was run. Hers took a bit longer, but it was an interesting process to watch. The doctor paused occasionally and murmured under his breath, while my mother stared over his shoulder, her lips pursed into a tight line.
"Alright," the doctor began while his hand swiftly jotted notes down on the clipboard, "your health is to be expected. You're a bit more malnourished than your daughter, so we'll be closely monitoring that with larger food portions and more vitamins, there are other side effects of that, such as your hair thinning and some weakness, but it can be fixed."
There was a quick pause while he focused his attention on a particularly long note before he wrapped it up by stating, "You've got the average chakra capacity for a civilian and other than your malnourishment, you're perfectly healthy. I'll send a note along with Suzuki-san to register both you and your daughter for additional food supplements for the next month and we'll check up then to see if we'll need to continue that into the next month."
He handed off the paperwork to Suzuki who appeared seemingly out of nowhere with a small nod, and left us to address another group of refugees that had just entered the medical area.
Suzuki led us out of the tent and across a short strip of grass to a smaller, tan tent that contained a few tables that were laden with paperwork which were attended to by a couple of men and women. Our guide spoke to them quickly and within minutes, we were back outside and heading toward the large outcropping of tents.
The sounds of the civilian's hustle and bustle grew louder as we got closer and I watched as groups of men hauled sacks of rice and grain into a large tent that must've been the kitchen/food area. There were clusters of women and children sitting around sewing and talking. They seemed almost happy. There was even a group of people surrounding a woman who carefully plucked away at a shaimasen.
It struck me as strange that this rebel camp had so many supplies that they were even willing to bring in defenseless civilians and feed them. How were they getting these supplies with the border shut off completely? That was something to ponder.
Curiously, I noted that Hina looked at the woman playing the shamisen with a bit of longing in her eyes, but we passed by them quickly, so she averted her attention forward as we wound through the thin paths in the tent city.
Younger children ran around playing, their happy laughter ringing through the air. I caught a couple curious stares as I walked past with my mom, but I carefully avoided making eye contact. The difference between here and Yokoburi was jarring. People were happy. They smiled. They even laughed. It was strange to see after all the death, fire and destruction of the past week or so.
Finally, we reached a small green tent in the middle of the camp. Suzuki gestured to it with a straight face, "It's not much, but you'll be safe here. You'll share this tent with another woman, Kumiko." She handed us a slip of paper, "Here are your meal times, as well as other information you might need. Kumiko will help you, if you have any questions."
Hina thanked her with a polite bow that I mimicked, and as Suzuki strode away, my mother opened the flap of the tent and pulled me in.
It was small, but it was warm and dry and there were bed rolls provided. To me, it was like a veritable paradise. For that moment, I forgot where we were and what I had gotten us into by suggesting that we come here. Instead, I reveled in the luxuries we had been denied for what felt like a long period of time.
I walked in a daze toward the bed mats, ready to fling myself down on one and not get back up again until the war was over when my mother cleared her throat.
Turning to look at her, I almost sighed at the look on her face. Sleep would have to wait a bit, it seemed.
She sat in the middle of the tent, in what seemed like the 'communal area' between what we assumed to be Kumiko's part of the tent and our bed rolls.
"Chieko-chan," she started, and I knew this was about to turn unpleasant, "we need to talk."
Those words never boded well. Not in my first life, and definitely not in this life. "I've been talking with Yahiko-san, and I've been thinking seriously about what he's had to say."
I was hoping that she'd dismiss it entirely, but apparently that was too much to ask for. I could predict where this was going.
"They're offering lessons here in camp. Shinobi lessons."
She was dancing around it now. We both knew what she was going to say.
"I think you should go."
And there it was.
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A/N: Eh heh….hi? I know it's been a while, and I truly apologize for the wait. Fall semester was a bit more intense than I had expected, so I spent all my free time writing papers, studying, suffering etc. Anyway, can I just say you guys are the best readers ever? Seriously! I loved reading all of your reviews and I was blown away by the response to my humble story. I've fallen down a bit on the job of replying to reviews lately, so if you haven't gotten a response from me yet, I promise that I'll PM you within the next few days.
Now, I wanted to address a couple things that came up in reviews that I feel some of you guys will be interested in, so bear with me on the large author's note.
First, is the issue of Chieko potentially becoming a ninja. I can promise you that she's not going to suddenly want to become a ninja. Certain things are out of her control, such as Hina's authority as her mother and the war happening in Ame. Keep in mind though, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. That's a concept that will definitely appear throughout this story.
Chieko's father is a major part of this story. I promise all will be revealed in time. :) If you read carefully though, I've been dropping hints about him since the first chapter. I'm interested to hear if any of you have caught it yet.
Finally, as Rinnala so kindly pointed out, I haven't talked about the significance of the title yet. Metanoia is an interesting word that can be defined a couple different ways—both of which have a greater significant meaning to the story at large. The first definition means "a transformative change of heart" and the second means "a spiritual conversion." I personally believe that if someone were to be placed outside of their cultural, social, and even geographical norm, like Chieko has been in this story, significant changes would be unavoidable. He or she would be forced to confront issues outside of their comfort zone that may contradict beliefs that they hold in order to adapt and survive. That, at the core, is what I'm exploring with Metanoia. Thank you for mentioning it, Rinnala! I meant to talk about it earlier, but I kept forgetting to mention it in the author's notes. Oops!
Anyway, thank you all again for being such awesome readers and I hope this chapter makes up for the dreadful wait!
I look forward to hearing what you think in reviews! *hint**hint*
Happy Holidays!
~Amai-chan