Lightning And Death Itself Chapter 13

"Astrid, can we talk? Privately?"

Astrid was startled. For the past three days, no one had called her anything but Small-night-fury, and she was beginning to respond to her new name. If Hiccup was calling her Astrid, it might be serious. They found a ledge in the nest with no other dragons nearby.

"First off, how are you adjusting to all this?" He waved his tail at their surroundings.

"Okay, I guess. Not as well as you are," she answered. "But that's nothing new. Is something wrong?"

"I'm scared." That got her attention. As Hiccup, such an admission wouldn't have surprised her at all. She might even have expected it. But as New-night-fury, he already had a reputation for carefully calculated attacks delivered with utter fearlessness. They had all flown together on their second raid, and Toothless admitted that Hiccup had nearly mastered the Night Fury's arts. Him? Scared? That was almost scary in itself.

"Scared of what, Hiccup?"

"I'm scared of losing myself. I'm a dragon now."

She chuckled, trying to hide her nervousness. "In case you hadn't noticed, you've been a dragon for weeks. You're doing pretty well at it, too."

"No, Astrid, it's not like that! Oh, let me try to explain. You feel like you were turned into a dragon, but it's not the real 'you.' When you think of yourself, you see a Viking girl with blonde hair and a spiked skirt. To yourself, that's who you are. It's not just who you were, or who you want to be; it's your self-image.

"I'm not like that anymore. I don't feel like I was turned into a dragon; I feel like I am a dragon. It's as though everything I ever was, everything I ever did, right up until Toothless transformed us, was just a bad dream that I finally woke up from. When I think of myself, I see a Night Fury, not a scrawny Viking loser. If I got turned back into a human right now, I'm not sure I'd remember how to walk on two legs, or put on a shirt, or drink out of a cup, or if I'd even want to.

"But at the same time, there's a part of me that's human. It's not a big part, but it's an important part, and it means a lot to me, because... well, I spent most of my life that way.

"My old life was no prize-winner, but it made me who I am, and I'm scared that I'm losing that part of me forever. New-night-fury is taking over, and Hiccup is fading away."

"I'm not sure I understand."

He shook his head exasperatedly. "I could show you in the blink of an eye, and you'd understand perfectly, but you won't let me."

"You mean that TrueSight thing?"

"Yeah, that's how we dragons do it."

She considered. "It's still kind of scary for me. I'm not used to other people being in my head."

He looked away. "It was probably a stupid idea anyway."

She nudged him with a paw. "Hiccup, I didn't say I wouldn't do it."

He looked back at her, startled. Her eyes were wide and inviting. Maybe it was a mistake to enjoy those eyes for a moment before beginning the TrueSight, but –

In an instant, she understood his turmoil. He loved his abilities and his success as a dragon, but he didn't want to lose the core of who he was, and that core was still called Hiccup. It was as if two beings, one human and one dragon, were wrestling for dominance inside him, and a third being – his own will – was watching the struggle. The problem was, he didn't know which of the two would win. Worse, he wasn't sure which one should win, or even if there should be a clear winner, or how he might influence the outcome. I can see how that would be scary, she thought.

She saw other things as well, around the edges of his turmoil. She saw friendship with many dragons in the nest, and a big-brotherly affection for that little green Nadder who kept following him around. He took to that naturally as well, even though he'd never been anyone's big brother before. She saw his enduring love for Toothless. And she saw how he felt about her. He kept an unchanging mental image of her human appearance, with her smile and her blonde braid and her bangs that kept falling in her face, the way she looked the last time she'd fought a fire in Berk. He also kept a picture of her as she was now, mentally stamped with Toothless' words, "an awesomely hot babe in the dragon world."

She blinked, and the moment ended. She stared at him, pleased and offended at the same time. "Hiccup, you devil! You aren't supposed to think about me that way!"

He hung his head. "How else should I think about you? I mean, you are beautiful, and I do like you, a lot. It's not like I can ask your father for your hand, you know. I mean your paw. I mean... you know what I mean, I hope."

She snorted. "We're adjusting to being dragons, we're raiding villages, we're trying to fit into a society that's strange to us... How can you even think about things like that at a time like this?"

"Sorry, Astrid. I guess I'm only human."

After a moment, she swatted him with her tail. "That's for the way you're thinking about me." Then she rubbed her head against his. "That's for... everything else. Sometimes I really envy you."

"You? Envy me?" He sounded amazed.

"You make it look so easy! You adjusted to being a dragon, you learned to fly, you learned to fish, you learned to fit into this nest, you learned to fight like a Night Fury, and it was all like, 'No big deal'. You just do it, like there's nothing to it, like you've been doing it all your life."

"Like you used to make things look easy back in Berk, back when I envied you," he replied.

"But it was never easy!" she shot back. "I had to work and train like crazy. You make it look like you were born doing it. Toothless said you should have been a dragon all along; I'm starting to wonder."

Hiccup chuckled at that. "I used to envision my dad complaining that he got the wrong offspring. Maybe he did get the wrong one, and he just had no idea how wrong!"

"Is that even possible?" she wondered.

"I don't think so," he replied. "People and dragons don't mix, unless the dragons start slinging their Power around. But you have to admit, the thought of my dragon-hating dad with a dragon for a son... if anything could be weirder than that, I don't want to know."

"You mean, he doesn't want to know," she corrected him, "because he does have a dragon for a son."

Their moment was interrupted when a small green Nadder landed on the ledge. "There you are! I was looking all over the nest for you, New-night-fury! Were you hiding from me?"

Hiccup smiled. "Of course not, Nadder-green-follows-new-night-fury. What's up, little sister?"

As they chatted, Astrid slipped off the ledge and spiraled up the cone. She needed to think. Maybe a quick flight would help.

She rose easily; flying was second nature to her now. She looked down on the island. In the past, when I needed to unwind, I used to throw my axe at defenseless trees for an hour, she thought. Now I go flying, and it seems just as natural.

Maybe I'm starting to become a dragon, too.