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Chapter 10- Cass Oceansong
Even though I'm tired and hungry, I keep my face pressed to the crack in the wall, trying to see something, anything. I can see trees, and lakes sometimes, but mostly a lot of grass and some wildlife, like deer and foxes. Nothing to tell me where we are, or where we're going.
Nobody's come onto the train since Tulsee and Jet, and that was over an hour ago now. It's still light outside, but it won't be for much longer, I don't think. I don't want to be in here in the dark again; I'm scared of the dark without my family nearby.
Everyone else has split up into friendships, or at best, shaky alliances. Silver and Beade spent the whole day together, talking quietly, while Glow's joined in a few times. Flick, that's the boy who came from District 9, sits a little ways apart from that bunch and says something every once in a while. He seems nice. Oak and Tulsee have been sitting together since Tulsee got on the train, and Rigg and Aldar and Jet are just sitting apart. Like me.
I don't have anyone to talk to, which is okay. I don't want to know anyone here. I'm so scared about what's going to happen; my stomach feels like it's full of lead. Earlier, I ate the orange that Tempest, Sea, and Wave gave me; I didn't want to share it with anyone else. It was a special treat for me. I've never had an orange before; it was sweet and tangy and clean all at once, and I'd like another one day.
I want to go home so badly! I want to go out onto the ocean and see the silver scales of the fish, hear the sounds of the waves as they lap against the Luna, taste the salty air. I want my mother. Nothing is right, and I doubt it will be ever again.
"See anything out there?" Rigg says, moving over to where I am.
"Nothing that tells me anything," I say.
"Too bad; I'd like to know where we're going next."
"Me too."
Rigg looks at me with a concerned face. "Are you okay?"
I almost laugh; are any of us okay? "I'm fine," I say. "Fine."
"You can come sit with us over there," he says, gesturing to where Silver, Glow, and Beade are sitting. I shake my head.
"I'll stay here."
"Suit yourself," Rigg says, and crosses the floor back to the others again. He gives me a few side-eyed looks before turning his attention back to his few allies.
I need to stay at the wall; here I can breathe a slight bit of fresh air, see the world outside this train. I need these things because I probably won't be getting a lot of them in a few days. Where is the place we're going to fight? What does it look like, and what will happen when we're there?
So many questions, and I don't really want any of them to get answered.
Silver lets out a peal of laughter that hurts my ears; she's having a good time if nobody else is. She and Beade could be sisters, they look that much alike; long blonde hair, blue eyes, and the same sort of frame, like they got enough to eat during the war. Beade's prettier, though.
Pressing my eye to the crack, everything outside's gone into that dusky twilight that precedes night; it's already dark enough inside this train; once the light's completely gone it becomes a cave, like a sea cave I went into once as a dare. You could hear the water there, at least; here all you can hear is the train rattling underneath and faint whispers.
If I listen carefully enough, I can make out a little of what Oak and Tulsee are saying to each other. They want to escape, before we reach the Capitol. I have no idea how they're going to do that, but I don't think I'll go with them, even if they asked me to come. I want to get off this train, but I want to go home! If I get off in the middle of nowhere, I'll be lost forever.
What I'd really like to do is get back to District 4, take my family and Tempest and Mags, and leave on the Luna, never to return. To escape the aftermath of the war, the Hunger Games, the Peacekeepers- everything. That's what I'd like to do.
"Cass! Do you have any more food?" Silver calls to me. I still have the hunk of cheese, but I don't know how willing I am to share it. Suddenly, almost like she's sitting next to me, I can hear my mother's voice in my head.
"If you have food and your neighbor has none, give them a piece, no matter how hollow your own stomach feels. Two alive is better than one, and one alive is better than none."
Mother said that a lot during the war. She kept enough back to feed us all, but she wouldn't let a friend or neighbor go hungry for long. Mother would be ashamed of me for thinking I won't share food with Silver.
"I have some cheese," I say in a small voice. "I can give you some."
"Oh Cass, you're a lifesaver!" Silver says. "She brought food with her, isn't she wonderful?" she continues, turning to Beade. Somehow I doubt that she'd think I'm so wonderful if I didn't have any food. Out of the corner of my eye I see Oak slip something to Tulsee; I don't think I'm the only one who packed for the journey. I wonder how she knew she'd be reaped.
Breaking off a chunk of cheese, I toss it over to Silver; she catches it easily and gives me a smile in return. I don't agree with her Capitol loyalty, but I don't hate her like Oak clearly does. I wouldn't be surprised if they killed each other once we get to the Capitol, and I wouldn't put it past the two of them to kill each other before we even arrive.
I don't bother to look through the crack in the wall again; there's nothing to see anyway. I start to pack the cheese away, under my skirts where the others can't steal it in the night. I know what people are capable of when they get too hungry. When I look at him, Aldar has that hungry look in his eyes; Silver's shared with Glow, Beade, Flick, and Rigg, but Aldar has gotten nothing, and neither has Jet.
Carefully getting to my feet, almost falling over when the train makes a sudden jerk, I walk step by step over to where Aldar is sitting, on the opposite side of the door as me. He looks up, and I can see him, just barely, through the darkness that seems to be pressing down on me.
"Here, you didn't get anything," I say, handing him a chunk of cheese.
"Thank you," he says, and I can see him faintly smile. "Why give me this, though?"
"Nobody should go hungry," I say, then I back away as fast as I can, leaving Aldar sitting there by the door, watching me go. These people aren't my enemies; that's only what the Capitol wants us to think. We're all just people of Panem, united by the same fate.
Jet's harder; I simply hand the cheese to him and escape back to my place by the door. He's not one for many words, and I won't make him speak more than he wants to. I'm happy just knowing that nobody is going to starve tonight, and I think I've made my parents proud. I hope I have, anyway.
As I try to settle myself back down into a comfortable position, the cuffs bite into my wrists, like they have been doing for the past few days. My hands are rubbed raw and sore, but there's nothing I can do about it until they decide to take them off me. And who knows when that will be!
"How soon do you think we'll stop again?" Aldar says, breaking the silence that's fallen over us all.
"How are we supposed to know?" Glow asks irritably. "We know as much as you do."
"Just asking!" Aldar says, his voice both exasperated and amused. I wonder if the others pick up on the same tones as I do.
"Well don't!" Beade says. I can't see the girl, but I can imagine her flipping that hair of hers over her shoulder, like she's done twenty times already today. It's hard to believe that she only got onto the train this morning, her and Flick. Time stretches out when you're longing to be somewhere else.
The few conversations I can hear peter out after a while, and then all I can hear is the incessant droning and clacking of the train wheels underneath me. I lie flat on my back, my hands held in front of me resting on my stomach, and stare up at the ceiling, feeling the darkness press down on me like a weight, until it starts to smother me and I have to look away.
If I listen carefully, the wheels make a rhythm that sounds like Home, home, home; or maybe I'm just imagining it because I want to be back in District 4 so badly. I've been on this train for over a day, nearly two days now, and I feel like I'll go crazy before I reach the Capitol. And then what? I don't know what to expect minute to minute, let alone at the end of the journey.
Why did the war have to happen? The Capitol was oppressive, I know that, but as long as we kept to our own devices, they didn't bother us too badly. They wanted too much fish, too much of our time and our labor; years ago, I would listen to my father talk about the unfairness of it all, but it never affected us badly enough to revolt against it. I don't know what it was like in other districts, but aren't we worse off than before?
If the war hadn't started, if Oak's people hadn't rebelled, I wouldn't be on a cargo train going to my death. I know I can't win, can't survive whatever is waiting for me at the end of this journey. Tears prick my eyes and then, when I don't stop them, run down my face and into my hair. Nobody can see me in the dark; it's safe to cry.
I promised my family that I would go home, and I don't like to break promises; I'll do my best to leave the Capitol alive. But against people like Flick, who's tall and strong looking, Silver who looks healthy even after three years of famine, or Oak, who's already proven she can fight, what chance do I have?
And who in this train car will be the one to kill me? That question makes me want to throw up and cry harder, so I push all thoughts of the coming days out of my head completely.
I want to sleep, but I don't. I find a crack about half an inch wide near the floor, and if I turn my head to the side I can watch the darkness outside and breathe the cool night air, a definite contrast to the hot and foul air that we've been breathing in this boxcar.
My eyes start to close of their own accord, and for a while I drift in and out of a dream haze in which I think I can see Tempest sitting next to me, before she vanishes into the night. Then, like Tempest disappeared, I descend into the depths of sleep.
The building explodes into rubble, shards of stone and glass hitting me and the people who stand around me. Someone screams, and then chaos descends upon us all; my neighbors all push to escape the explosions that are destroying our district, one building at a time.
"What are they doing?" Wave asks, gripping my hand so tightly I fear I'll have a bruise later. "Why are they blowing up the buildings?" She's only nine, and I'm only eleven; I don't know why they're destroying our district!
"I don't know, we have to run!" I say, pulling at my sister's hand. With difficulty, we push our way through the hysterical crowds, back to our little house. Behind us the screaming continues, and the explosions too. I'm scared.
As soon as we burst through the door, Mother wraps us up in her arms, bursting into tears. "You're safe! You're safe!" she sobs over and over. When she releases us, I see that Father is standing at the window, looking at us, and Sea is holding baby Cressida on her lap, trying to keep her from squirming off.
"We were walking home from school and buildings started blowing up!" Wave says, starting to cry now we're safe.
"What's going on?" I ask, trying to keep my hands from shaking, but it's no use. I can still hear the explosions outside; the walls shudder and the wooden floor beneath my feet quakes with distant vibrations.
Father walks quickly over to Wave and I, pulling us to the kitchen table and sitting us down. My mother, still crying, accompanies us and sits down opposite me. "You've heard the rumors, haven't you, girls?" Father asks, looking deadly serious.
"I know nobody is happy with the Capitol," I say. "And I heard something about a rebellion."
Father nods, then looks grimly out the window again before saying, "It's begun. The rebellion."
Wave's mouth drops open, but I notice that Sea doesn't look surprised. I feel like the bottom of my stomach just dropped out of me and landed somewhere on the floor.
"So what does that mean?" I ask, gripping the edge of the table.
"It means we're in for hard times," Father says, and the look on his face makes me more afraid than ever.
"Hey, wake up! We're stopping!" Beade yells out, startling me awake. The back of my head hurts from lying on the hard floor, and my back hurts all the way along my spine. How long have I been asleep? All really I want right now is to bury my face in something soft and block everything out; the war, this train, the Hunger Games.
"We're in for hard times." He wasn't wrong, not at all. We nearly starved, we saw our neighbors die from illness and starvation, and even in the war. So many people died, and for nothing.
The train slows to a complete stop, and I sit up, trying to look through the crack in the wall to figure out where we are. I can see some lights in the distance, and some lights bobbing closer to us, which tells me that people are approaching.
The lock on the outside of the boxcar rattles and comes away; I catch a glimpse of a white-clothed Peacekeeper. With a creak and a shuffling sound, the door slides to the side, blocking the crack in the wall, and two Peacekeepers holding flashlights come into sight; with them are two skinny looking kids. Are they kids? One, the boy, looks older than me, or maybe that's just a trick of the light.
"Get on!" one of the Peacekeepers barks harshly, and the pair scramble into the train as best they can with their hands tied in front of them. No fight from either of these tributes.
"Can't we get something to eat in here?" Beade calls out.
"You can starve for all I care," the Peacekeeper says, and slams the door shut, leaving us to greet these newcomers.
Two more tributes for the Hunger Games, adding up to twelve total.
The train is half full.