The smell of fresh dough, cinnamon, and vanilla hit me in the face like a freight train one morning. Nina, Adriana, and Ava were laughing in the kitchen against the gentle soundtrack of SZA's CTRL album. Adriana humble bragged once that she had met SZA on vacation once. "Solàna—sorry, I mean SZA—is just so sweet. She played her new album for me on the red eye from LA to New York and I'm so obsessed with it," she bragged over wine one night.

Now that quarters were closer, it felt like she had a lot more stories to share from her fantastical life. But none of that mattered because I would get to pick up the twins that day from the jitney and I was so damn excited. It was also the day that Julian and I would scout the landscape for his project, talk the logistics, do test shots.

Julian wanted to have something of a low key party on that Saturday. He was working overtime to put together a host of people not just for me as an art person, but for Nina who wanted to do something in theatre. Adriana begged him to invite the Editor-in-Chief from Cosmo again, but he would just kind of brush her off. "I'll see what I can do," he would say before moving on to something else.

He didn't really bother with us much. He kind of did his own thing, came and went as often as possible. And other than a pointed comment about me in a bathing suit, he didn't try to get me in his bed as much as I thought he would.

I came down the hallway toward the sugary, sweet smell to see Adriana pulling a tray of cinnamon rolls from the oven. "Good morning, doll face," she said when she saw me.

"Morning," I sighed. "Is there coffee?"

"There's coffee, there's eggs, bacon, fresh fruit; we just made cinnamon rolls. We have whatever you want," Nina said as she bounced back inside from the patio.

I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and poured myself coffee. Then I went to sit at the table. Julian walked out of his bedroom, fully dressed to go for a run. "Oh, look who's awake," he smirked at me. "Not an early riser, I see."

"It is 7 in the morning," I pointed out. "I don't know about you guys, but I enjoy being in bed."

"Yeah? Me too," Julian commented, throwing a sly wink my way. "Can you be ready by 8:00? I want to get a head start."

I nodded, practically chugging my coffee. The twins wouldn't get in until the afternoon so an early start was actually better. The sooner we start, the sooner we're done.

"I'll be back in an hour then." He put in his earbuds and made his way to the front door. "Make sure you eat something, Leah," he called.

"You're not the boss of me, Julian," I called back as the door closed.

Nina sat in the chair beside me. "You do need to eat. What do you want? Eggs?" She was this close to making a plate for me.

"I'll just have some fruit," I shrugged. I started to scoop fruit into a bowl on the table.

"Here, have a cinnamon roll," Adriana offered. I shook my head and said no thank you. She shrugged before setting the tray on the table and sitting in the seat across from me. She bit her lip in that way that she did when she was about to say something she shouldn't. "Wasn't that your thing with the Chef? Cinnamon rolls?"

The strawberry was half in my mouth when she said it. And I glared at her, my eyebrow raising. In 3 years, I had managed to not bring up Paul unnecessarily. For my own sake. And I thought that was just a silent agreement that we wouldn't talk about it.

Nina jumped in, quickly. "So what are you wearing to the party?" She was a necessary sunshine in what could have been a dark cloud moment.

"I have a couple of dresses that could work. I just need to make sure they're classy enough. Or I might pick up something in town when I go pick up the twins."

"Oh, that's right! That's today! I can't wait to meet them," Nina beamed at me. "I hope they like me."

"They will love you just as much as I do," I said, smiling back at her.

"It's about time we meet these twins; they're all you talk about," Adriana commented. "Are they coming to the party?"

"Only if they want to," I answered. I finished my fruit and coffee then stood up. "Alright, I better get dressed before he comes back and yells at me for not being ready."

"Wouldn't want that…" Adriana mumbled.

"Have so much fun!" Nina said.

XXXXXXXXX

I couldn't stop thinking about Paul. It was distracting. So much so that I wouldn't concentrate on simple questions Julian was asking me while we were scouting. "…sure we can get away with three models. That'll just be extra time editing," he was saying. "What do you think?"

"Sounds fine…" I heard myself responding, but I don't remember moving my mouth. Not that it mattered.

"Because I really want to capture that duality but the only way to do that would be to do two separate shots on either side of the frame to really—you're not listening."

My head snapped up. "What? I am too listening."

Julian crossed his arms over his chest and scanned me from head to toe. "What's gotten into you? You've been very spacey today."

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just completely caught up on the 7 second phone call I shouldn't have had with the love of my life two weeks, 4 days, and 10 hours ago. Not a big deal. Nope…not even a little deal… "I just didn't get much sleep last night," I told him.

"I could have helped with that," Julian winked at me.

I punched him in the shoulder. "You really can't help yourself, can you?" He laughed as he rubbed his bicep. "You ordered the costumes, right? I can go pick them up."

"Don't rush off too fast. I still wanted your opinion on the locations," he said, turning me by the shoulders so I was facing the beach.

I honestly didn't think he was serious about this whole co-directing thing. I thought he'd drop it, but he never did. Julian insisted on planning meetings and this location scouting trip and getting my opinion on literally everything from the costumes to the lenses on the camera. I think he was trying to inspire something in me; all it did was annoy the shit out of me.

I sighed as I surveyed the beach. It was beautiful and exactly what he needed for his vision. "You can—"

"We," he corrected.

I shot a look at him. "Weee can use that cliff over there for shots over and under. And if we can get the girls in the water closer to sunset, the beach will be mostly deserted for the day and we can get some cool shots before the sun goes down. But we'll need to use the antique frame and ropes and stuff first because the natural lighting will elevate the shot." I looked over my shoulder to his smug face. "Happy?"

"Very," he said coolly. "Nice work, Miss Clearwater."

"I think it would be worth it to get some movement shots, no face. And maybe you can use a smoke machine or dry ice or something to generate the mystique," I kept going. My brain was working now. "But it would be better to wait until sundown for that. Unless you just want to do it in editing."

"No, I think your instinct is spot on." He was standing behind me and I felt his hands drop to my waist. "See, I knew you still had it in you."

Julian was about 8 inches shorter than Paul was. Nowhere near as strong. And nowhere near as warm. Since I made that call to Paul, I had been avoiding being alone with Julian. Mostly because Paul started showing up in my dreams again. I shook that thought out of my head. "Do you mind if I take your car to pick up my friends?" I asked as we started walking away from the site.

"Sure," he shrugged. "What's in it for me?"

"Don't be gross."

Julian pulled me by the wrist toward him. He dipped down to kiss me; I made myself kiss him back. It wasn't that he was a bad kisser, but there was something cold about the embrace. I always waited for the moment that I would melt into it. I never did. "I want you in my bed this weekend," he said against my lips.

"If I can get away," I answered coyly. "I'll be pretty busy with Rachel and Rebecca."

Julian brushed my hair away from my face. "It wasn't a question."

After I dropped him off at the house, I drove down the street a little and pulled over to gather myself. Pulling down the sun visor to look in the mirror. I practiced my smile a couple of times to see if I could pull off something that looked real. But then the tears started to prick in my eyes; the nerves started to rattle in my hands.

I thought that the lost feeling would eventually fade, that I'd eventually be able to live my life without that dull ache in my chest. But it was like I was always faking being alright for the sake of other people. No one really cares about your grief. Your sadness makes other people uncomfortable. What did Meredith Grey say? Stuff your feelings in!

Wiping the tears from the corners of my eyes, I willed a deep breath to calm myself. I looked in the mirror again and tried that smile again. I'd be seeing my best friends today. That was reason enough to smile. And when I saw them, it was.

Rachel ran into my full force, dropping her bag at our feet, and jumping up and down. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" she squealed.

My entire body relaxed into her hug. "Oh thank god…" I whispered, my eyes closing. Rebecca was patiently waiting her turn. I caught her eye. "I'm so happy you guys are here."

Rachel finally let go of me and turned to her twin. Bex opened her arms wide, and I fell into them immediately. She smelled like home and sea salt. Rebecca now compared to Rebecca five years ago is like night and day. She will still call you out on your shit no matter what, but she was much more thoughtful with her words. She was so much more in tune with her emotions. I would credit Solomon for that, but I honestly think that it came from being able to be away from home. Hawaii changed her. "It's good to see you, babe," she crooned.

"Can you just move into my apartment now and never leave?" I groaned.

"No sad faces," Bex said as she pulled away. "We're in the fucking Hamptons! My inner Blair Waldorf is thriving."

"Yes!" Rachel clapped her hands. "Let's make it one to remember!"

XXXXXXXXX

It was like the sleepover that I needed. Rachel shushed us playfully as we giggled down the hallway toward the den. I managed to keep the twins out of the house all day; we came back to a quiet house. Nina had been reading contently on the patio with Ava who was studying for her MCAT. Julian and Adriana were noticeably missing, but neither of the other girls knew where they went.

So we gathered up a bunch of snacks and Julian's annoyingly expensive seltzer water and were going to watch movies all night. I couldn't waste hours away from my girls by sleeping. We made a palette of blankets on the floor. "Remember when we used to do this when we were kids?" Rachel was reminiscing. She giggled to herself. "We would push all the furniture to the side of the room and steal every blanket in the house. And then the boys would—," she stopped herself, covering her mouth.

Before my dad cut down the tree in front of my bedroom window, Sam, Paul, and Jared would climb it to secretly spend the night with us all throughout middle school and about half of high school. A smile spread on my face at the memory. We would always talk about how cute we thought the boys were before they would come up. Rebecca had had her first kiss with Paul during one of those sleepovers. And then she promptly twisted her face and said, "Maybe that wasn't the best idea."

I let myself laugh a little. "I don't know why Dad thought it would help to cut down that tree. If those boys were anything, they were crafty and they were fast. And that's well before they were wolves."

They glanced at each other quickly. "Have you…talked to him…?" Bex asked cautiously.

I shook my head, chewing my bottom lip. "Not since I was home for Dad's funeral." I paused a little. "Is he—how's he doing?"

"He's fine," Rachel answered quickly. I wanted her to spill the tea, but I also wasn't sure I wanted to know. "The whole pack thing is wearing on him. He's pretty tired; he keeps himself distracted."

Sounds familiar. Even in those few seconds I heard his voice, he sounded worn.

"He asks about you," Rach added, "a lot."

I didn't say anything for a long time. I was just twirling the red vine in my hand. My mouth opened to speak, but what was there even to say? It all fell apart and I kick myself in the ass for it all the time. "I really mis—" I started to say when the door crept open.

A shirtless Julian was standing in the threshold with his arms crossed over his chest. "So these must be the elusive twins you keep talking about, Ms. Clearwater," he said. He held out his right hand to Rachel and then Bex. "So nice to meet you. I'm Julian Gerard."

Only Julian Gerard thinks himself to be so important that he has to introduce himself by first name, last name. Fucking loser. I'm sorry, I'm getting too ahead of my feelings. "Thank you for hosting us this weekend," Rachel beamed at him. Always so full of grace.

"Yeah, we really appreciate it. We make any excuse to spend time with Lee," Bex added. I could read Rebecca Sophia Black like the back of my hand. I could count the things she was dying to comment on right now.

Why does this man not have a shirt on?

Why is he lingering in the doorway?

And why does he keep looking at me like I'm a piece of meat?

All good questions. So while he was looking at me, I was watching her eyes dart between him and me and him and me again. I was silently begging her not to say anything. "Will you be inviting your friends to the shoot tomorrow, Leah?" Julian asked.

"Uh probably," I answered, glancing up at him and then immediately looking back at the twins. "It'll be an early session in the morning. Adriana and Ava are modeling and this woman who's local. It'll be fun."

Rachel gasped. "Are you getting behind the camera, Lee?" Bex elbowed her lightly. "I mean…I'm excited to see you do work, Leah. No matter where it is."

"Well, I've told Leah countless times how talented she is, so I think it'll be a great opportunity to showcase her brilliant eye. And we should have the raws ready for the party," Julian said.

"Great," I said quickly. I looked up at him. "Do you need anything else?"

He shook his head and held his hands up in fake surrender. "No, that's it. Enjoy your night, ladies."

He closed the door behind him, but I waited until I heard his bedroom door click shut. Rachel bit her lip as she thought of what to say. "He's kinda hot…"

"No," Bex and I rejected at the same time.

We were awake until the sun came up and that was the best and worst idea I'd had all summer. We stayed up and watched old episodes of Gossip Girl the way we used to and we talked all night. Rach had been casually seeing Embry Call which was shocking. He was a sweet kid, that wasn't the part that was surprising. Rachel isn't a casual dater type; she was more of a serious relationship, 'I only want to be with the person I'll love for the rest of my life' kind of girl. But when she said his name, she started blushing soooo who knows?

The twins had asked me what I was thinking for after graduation. I didn't really have an answer for them. I was trying to figure that out too. Did I want to stay in New York? Would I even entertain the idea of going back home? That didn't seem likely. What was my other option?

When I woke up to a knock on the den door, I was sleeping snuggled up to Bex as expected. I stretched as I adjusted to the light flooding into the room. Someone knocked again on the glass double doors. "Come in," I yawned, rubbing my eyes.

Nina popped in with a bright smile and a tray of coffee mugs and a French press. "Good morning," she whispered. She set the tray down on the table closest to the door. "I figured you'd need the fuel before the shoot."

"You're an angel," I smiled at my friend. Beside me, Rachel and Rebecca started to stir. I yawned again. "What time is it?"

"Just after 7:30; you have time," Nina said. She waved to the twins. "Good morning, girlies. It's so nice to meet you finally."

"Oh my gosh, are you Nina?" Rachel asked as she stretched her arms. Nina nodded. "We're so happy to meet you!"

"Yeah, thank you for taking care of Leah so much," Bex smiled. "She's lucky."

"The luckiest," I agreed, resting my head on Bex's shoulder.

Julian was on a rampage when we got to the shoot. Remember how he was reasonably chill the first time I met him. That was not the case this time. "I don't understand why the girls aren't ready. How fucking long does it take to do makeup?" He was stomping around like a child, just yelling at no one. The poor sophomore film studies major that happened to be here with her family who offered to help with the shoot was hopelessly following. "If my lighting gets messed up because someone is taking too long getting some paint smeared on their face, heads will roll!"

"I-I-I'll go check on the models," Sophomore offered. She was waiting for approval from him.

I walked up, asking what all the commotion was. Rachel and Becca trailed behind me. "Idiots," Julian grumbled. "Everyone—all of them—idiots."

"Ok, try to relax," I told him. "I will figure out what's taking so long and we'll get started. No big deal."

"We still haven't figured out what to get the frame shot, Leah," he reminded me. "We need to shoot before people start crowding the beach."

"One problem at a time," I put my hand on his chest to get him to stop rambling. He really wanted this specific shot where you see dueling sides of the same person. It was a lengthy process. Trying to create a completely separate identity for the same person was difficult to pull off. Wait…

My whole body shot up straight as an idea sparked hard. I turned my head to see the answer to the shot that will change my life. "You're looking for duality?" I asked Julian. I took a step back and waved my hands around the twins. "What better representation of duality than a set of identical twins? They were my original models back home; they can handle it."

"Wait, what?" Rachel said.

"Nooo…" Becca started shaking her head.

"I'll pay you $1000 each for the whole day," Julian blurted out, damn near begging. Their eyes widened at his proposition.

I turned to Sophomore. "Get these girls to hair and makeup; there are two extra costumes in the hut. Get Rachel in the white and Bex in the black. Go."

Julian huffed as they rushed off. He threw his hands up, frustrated. "This is already a disaster."

"It's been like 15 minutes, please calm down," I sighed. "Go get a coffee or something, ok? I'll take care of getting everything set up."

I managed to convince him to take a second away so I could fix things. He glanced around for a second before he pulled me into him and kissed me on the forehead. I pushed him away and told him to go.

I got the makeup crew back on schedule, the girls fitted for their costumes. I angled the camera and marked for the first shots. I did the test shots. I talked the models through the vision. I did everything. "So, guys, you're sirens. Gorgeous women who would lure sailors to their destruction by their beauty and the sweetness of their voices. We're looking for sensual, elegant, alluring. Soft expressions, soft movements. Is that doable?" They all nodded. "Amazing. Where's Julian?"

"He never came back," Sophomore said with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I-I tried calling him, but he won't pick up."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Oh, for fuck's sake…" I groaned. "Ok, that's fine. Let's start with the twins and get the antique frame."

Being behind the camera again was terrifying, but exhilarating. I forgot how wonderful creative control could be. I had Rach and Bex sit on either side of an empty, gold, antique frame. Their looks were almost identical in style, but opposite in color scheme. I told Bex to keep her body language mischievous and Rachel to be more innocent, easy enough for them. And then I told them to mirror each other. It was a beautiful shot. Probably my best work, if I do say so myself.

"Hold on, I want to try a different lens. Take 2 minutes," I announced. I walked through the sand to the little lifeguard hut where we were keeping everything.

"Lee," Bex called from the doorway.

"Give me a sec!" I called back. "I just need to grab something."

"Leah," Becca sing songed as she walked into the room. I kept digging through the camera bag to find the right lens. "You're doing a great job out there."

"Thanks, Bex," I grinned.

"One question though—when were you going to mention that you're fucking your professor?"

I froze. Oh, if the ground could swallow me right now, that would be great. "I'm sorry?" I played dumb. Which is dumb.

"I couldn't figure out why things felt weird, and then I realized that he is practically wearing it all over his face while you were being suspiciously aloof. It was that little kiss on the forehead that really solidified it. What are you doing, babe? This isn't you."

I ran a hand over my face and tried not to scream in frustration. "I know."

"You know?"

"Yes, of course I know. I hate it," I admitted. "I hate that I let it happen and I don't know how to get out of it."

That shaky feeling came back. I sat on the ground next to Julian's camera bag and worked through what I understood to be a mild panic attack. Bex sat next to me and helped me to take a couple of deep breaths. "You know, you don't owe him anything. Especially your body."

I wiped the incoming tears from my eyes and shook my head. "Can we not talk about this right now? I want to get this shoot done."

She caught the last tear that managed to escape down my cheek. "Ok, honey. Whatever you need."

She held my hand as we walked back out to the beach. Adriana rolled her eyes as she stood on the sideline. "Finally," she said. "We can't have two photographers go missing in one day."

XXXXXXXXX

You know when you get caught up doing something because you're avoiding something else? Is that just me?

I was reviewing the raws on one of the memory cards on my computer because I was avoiding talking to Bex about why I had been frequenting my professor's bed on and off for the past two years. Nina had been trying to drag me away for almost 20 minutes. "Leah, mama, you have been staring at that screen for hours. You have to get ready for the party!"

"I'm almost done," I muttered, not taking my eyes away. "Just 5 more minutes."

"You said that 5 other '5 more minutes' ago." She grabbed my arm. "Come on, let's go."

Julian was still nowhere to be found. Not answering a single phone call or text message. It was infuriating.

The catering staff that Julian had hired were buzzing around the kitchen and living room. All of the girls were crowding the mirrors in the bathrooms, getting ready for the party. Adriana stopped me. "My little Clearwater, what are you wearing tonight?"

"I have this black dress that should work," I told her.

She shook her head. "Black? Baby doll, this is the Hamptons. The dress code is always white."

I shrugged, "I don't even know if I packed anything white."

She set her eyeshadow brush down. She tapped her acrylics on the countertop. I couldn't help but notice that almost cool, indifferent look on her face. Like at the gala. "I may have something…"

Bex popped her head from the other room. "I have something you can wear, babe," she told me.

"No, I don't mind—," Adriana started.

"I've got it," Bex interrupted, coming up next to me. She looked Adriana up and down. Adriana did the same before flashing her signature smile. Bex led me into the bedroom where Rachel was getting dressed and they were both quiet. I started to say something when Bex shook her head. "We don't have to right now. Just get dressed."

She had me put on this chic white jumper that was cut low in the front and had flare legs. "Gorgeous," Rachel beamed.

We all took a couple of shots of vodka before people started to show up. Just to shake off the nerves. And right before the guests arrived, Julian walked in and went straight to his bedroom, shutting the door tight. Nina and I exchanged a concerned glance. Adriana said, "I'll check on him," before going to his bedroom too.

So remember how the gala on the Upper West Side was so full of elegant, dressed up people kissing both cheeks and trying their best posh laughs? This party was those same people just trying to convince themselves that wearing white linen pants and drinking Prosecco from stemless flutes made them a lot more chill and so much less intimidating.

Adriana was scanning the room intensely. "Do you see her?" she asked me. She was looking for the Editor of Cosmo. "I thought she'd be here by now."

"I'm sure she'll be here, don't worry," I tried to reassure her.

She rolled her eyes. "Easy for you to say. This whole room is here for you."

"That's not true." I felt defensive.

Right then, Julian appeared at my side with a martini in hand. "Mind if I steal her?" he asked Adriana. She just smiled and gestured away. He put a hand on my lower back and led me toward a group of people, handing me a drink. "I want you to meet some folks."

They were still perfecting that posh laughter as we approached. "Oh, Julian, there you are! I was wondering when you were going to make the rounds!" one woman said. She had platinum blonde hair and freckles all over her face.

"I just wanted to grab this shining star first," Julian gushed. "This is Leah Clearwater, a rising senior at Columbia. Leah, this is Iris, Malcolm, and Porter; they're all on the Board of the Met."

My eyes widened in awe. "Wow, oh my gosh, it's a pleasure to meet all of you."

Multiply that by 5, you get the gist of how the evening started. A few of Julian's gallery friends had started migrate into his office. He was pouring glasses of bourbon like he hadn't thrown a 5 year old tantrum this morning. "Do you mind getting the memory cards from today, sweetheart?" Julian asked me with a charming smile before he disappeared into his office. Someone said something and then I heard Julian say and I quote, "She's probably one of the best student assistants I've ever had."

Assistant? What happened to co-directing? I went and grabbed the memory cards anyway. Well…I pocketed one of them and handed him the other. "Anything else you need?" I asked.

"Uh, no, but close the door on your way out, please," he said, messing with his desktop. I stared at him until he looked up. He just winked at me before going back to what he was doing. Is he about to do what I think he's about to do?

I left the room but I lingered. Nina and Bex came up behind me. "What are you doing?" Nina asked.

I shushed them as I hovered around the door. Please don't do it. "I can't wait to show you guys the raws for the Redhook opening. I sat in on a folklore class this semester and was immediately struck by inspiration," he was saying. "Of course, I couldn't have done it without Leah. Someone had to wrangle the models."

All of the men laughed. They were quiet for a second. All you could hear was the clicking of a mouse. "Julian, this is some of your best work," one commented. "We could make a fortune off of these," another one said.

"It's all about the art," Julian said.

He just… "That motherfucker…" I hissed. I was about to storm back into the room when Bex stopped me.

"Not here," she said in a whisper.

"He just took credit for my work," I whisper-yelled back.

"Not here," she insisted. She pulled me to the kitchen and poured me some water. "Don't fuck up future relationships because of this asshole. Your work speaks for itself."

I took a sip of water before I served myself a shot of vodka. I had one. Then another. When they came out of the office, I was feeling fired up more than I ever had. Julian walked into the kitchen with one really bald man and Adriana, chuckling so satisfied with himself. "Professor Gerard," I called. "Just curious—you showed your friends the photos from today's session, right?"

His eyebrow raised slightly as he met my eye. "Yes, of course. Today was a massive success."

"You think so? Did someone tell you it was? Because I remember you were missing most of the day."

Bald man looked at Julian, confused. "Is that right, Julian?"

He shook his head, his face was pulling this 'don't believe everything you hear' nonsense. "I think I would remember directing my own shoot, Miss Clearwater."

Julian looked at Adriana, who was conflicted at first. She looked between me…and him…and me again. Then she shrugged and said, "Come on, Lee. Your shots were good, but there's no way you took over a whole shoot by yourself. Julian knows my best angles, we all know this."

"Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief.

She just shrugged again and mumbled something of an apology. Julian and the bald guy made their way to the rest of the party. "I'll get the staff to make a pot of coffee for you. Maybe you should sober up some," Julian said.

Bex tried to console me, but I couldn't deal with it. With any of it. I stormed out to the beach and it was like my chest was caving in. None of this is real, I kept thinking. None of it matters.

It was only a matter of time before Rebecca came after me. She sat in the sand next to me, quietly. She was waiting patiently for me to say something. And when I didn't, she started to speak. "There's a snake in your garden, babe," Bex said softly as she ran her hand through my hair. She wrapped me up in her sweater.

My face was buried in my hands. "What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Why do you surround yourself with these people, Lee? They're not good for you," Bex told me. "Save for Nina. She's like Rachel level nice."

"I love Nina," I groaned. "I want to keep her."

"You should," she giggled. "But you see how you're feeling right now? It's pretty shitty, isn't it?" I nodded miserably. "If you have to tolerate people like Adriana and Julian to get where you think you want to be, those are not the people for you, babe."

"That doesn't mean they're snakes…"

"They are for you." I felt Rebecca put all of my hair on top of my head and wrap a hair tie around it. "Someone taking credit for how fucking hard you worked? That should never be someone you want to spend time with ever. No matter who they know."

"I feel so stupid…"

"You should," she crooned. I glared at her and she grinned at me. "Fuck those people. You can do way better. And you have. Please tell me you didn't give him all of the photos."

I shook my head, digging into my pocket. "I kept the shots of you and Rach," I told her, giving her the other memory card.

She smirked. "Hell yeah, you're still a fucking boss." That made me laugh. Like genuinely laugh. "It's not too late; we can get back on the jitney and go to your apartment in the city. We can cut these people clean."

I thought about it for a second. And I was so tired of being miserable in my own life. So I nodded. I agreed. I was ready to go. "Yeah…I'm done. I really am."

Bex wrapped her arms around me and kissed my forehead. "Ok, I'll go pack us up lightning quick and call an Uber."

I smiled at my best friend. "Marriage made you soft," I joked.

"Ugh, I know," she rolled her eyes. "Meet me in the front in 15 minutes."

Getting clean from people like Julian and Adriana felt like quitting drugs cold turkey. Like you know it's for the best; you'll feel so good and healthy on the other side of it. But the withdrawal part is a bitch. I wanted to panic and go back inside and say that I didn't mean it and that I was sorry for trying to embarrass him. Because I was afraid. Terrified that I needed the connections and the parties to find success. But the fact of the matter is that I still didn't know what success looked like for me. All I knew was what they wanted it to look like for me. And, in the end, neither of them minded fucking me over to get themselves ahead.

I wanted to crawl into a hole. So I did the one thing I knew. "Yo, it's Paul. Leave a message." I called my friend.

I cursed a little right before it beeped, "Hey…um, it's me." I paused. "Leah. C-Clearwater. Duh…uh, I'm sorry for calling out of the blue like this. I'm just a little drunk and…I'm really fucking sad right now."

I ran my fingers through the cool sand. "Do you remember in junior high, when I made you watch Gilmore Girls while Mom and Dad were out of town and I caught that stomach flu? And you said it was the dumbest show you'd ever seen, but finished the whole season with me?" I laughed to myself pitifully. "And it was the episode where Luke and Lorelai broke up and she's sitting in bed…and she calls him because she was really upset. And she was talking about that movie, The Way We Were and how she needed her best friend and she really wanted him to come over so that they could just talk. Not even about the breakup…she just wanted to talk because she needed him. Do you…do you remember that? You probably don't remember that…"

The tears were flooding my eyes. I couldn't have stopped them even if I tried. I covered my face with the sleeve of Bex's sweater and sniffled pathetically. Ugh, what a sad little sight. "You know…when Dad died, it kind of felt like my whole world crashed around me. And then when you decided to stay in La Push, it was almost like I was mourning for two people. Like you had died too. And that's not fair, man. It fucking sucks. And I have to deal with it. But…I haven't been dealing with it well, at all. I don't like the person I've become," I admitted. "I think you made me so much better than I ever realized.

"Rach says you ask about me, but I don't want you to feel like you have to. You probably have moved on already." I shook my head, "That's fine. Just…just change the flowers on his grave. That's the only thing I'll ever ask of you. As much as I want you to come over, as much as I want you to drop whoever it is that you're dating, I know I can't keep waiting for you to save me." I started crying again. "Anyway, this is Leah. Ok, lov—bye."

I hung up and pulled my knees to my chest. The breeze blew over me and I almost felt comforted by it. It wasn't warm like a hug, but it felt like one. I blew out a breath before picking myself up and making way back toward the house. Nina was sitting outside with one of the guests. "Hey, mama, are you alright?" she asked.

I bent down to hug her. "I need to get out of here," I whispered in her ear. "I can't be here anymore."

She nodded in understanding. She excused herself from her guest. "All I need is 5 minutes to pack and I'm coming with you guys."

There was no changing her mind. So we walked through the house. Julian and Adriana were sitting cozy on a loveseat. They both looked up at me with a level of malevolence I had only ever seen from my cousin. "Perhaps one day you'll forgive us," was all Julian said.

I shook my head and walked out of the front door, waiting for the others. Rachel came out first with her bags and mine, and we loaded them into the Uber. She hugged me tight the way Rachel knew would comfort me. Nina popped out next, still shoving things in her duffles. And then Bex came out with a satisfied smirk on her face, holding the rest of her bags and my camera. We piled into the Uber. Bex was chuckling to herself, mischievously. "What is your deal?" I asked.

She reached down to my camera bag and opened it. It was full of memory cards. "I took the rest of his memory cards and erased everything from his computer," she grinned.

I pulled her face toward mine and kissed her on the cheek. "You, my friend, are a fucking boss and I love you."

Good riddance to this life. It was never for me. I'd figure it out soon. What I didn't realize though was that my phone was ringing inside my pocket on our way home.