PAUL

I never believed in true love before her. Actually, I think I only ever considered loving her and no one else. I don't think that will ever change.

The first time I noticed Leah Clearwater was in the 3rd grade. Right around when Harry and Sue started being my caretakers unofficially. They had sent Leah to my house to drop off some clothes before school started; I remember sitting at the kitchen table when my mother answered the door. "What do you want?" Diana had asked, blowing out the fuck ton of cigarette smoke from her mouth.

"My daddy wanted me to bring some stuff for Paul. Is he home?"

Diana's face tore up at Leah immediately. "Tell your daddy we don't need no hand-me-downs, you little cunt." And then she slammed the door in her face.

Anyone else would have gone running for the hills. Hell, I would have too if I could. But not Leah. She waited until it was almost 8:00 (that's practically midnight to a 3rd grader) and came to my bedroom window. She knocked quietly and waved when she saw me. The light from the porch behind her was illuminating almost like a halo around her head. When I opened the window, she handed me a box that was filled with clothes. "Your mom is kinda mean," she said.

"Yeah…sorry," I apologized.

"Do you wanna come over to my house for ice cream and dinner after school tomorrow?" I remember really noticing her hazel eyes for the first time that night. I'd known Leah my whole life and never noticed how pretty her eyes were.

"I don't know," I said. "My dad gets pretty mad when I go to your house."

She shrugged and just said, "Ok," before leaving.

I thought she would just write me off like everyone else did. Like maybe me saying no was enough for her to want nothing to do with me. She already had the twins, she didn't need the Rez rat to be her friend. It was always embarrassing to be around these other kids and know that they know what I used to go through at home. Imagine being cynical about life at 8 years old; that's sick. I already knew what their parents said about mine. So, yeah, I thought Leah would be the same.

But she wasn't.

She sat next to me during art specials, and at lunch, and then the next night, she showed up again at my bedroom window, tapping on it with her nails that were chipped with pink sparkly nail polish. When I opened the window, she smiled at me and climbed in; she held out her hand for me to help her over the sill. She came with a few Tupperwares of Sue Clearwater's meatloaf and mashed potatoes, spaghetti and meatballs, and a couple of sandwiches. Oh and a tub of melting ice cream. She sat cross legged on the floor in her ruffly skirt and invited me to sit.

My parents were yelling in the other room, but it didn't rattle her. At least not on the outside. Instead, she just pulled out her mom's iPod, shared one of the earbuds with me, and we listened to some Avril Lavigne album.

And that was just the start of it.

She made me feel normal. Her and Sam. Sam and I had been best friends since daycare and he never treated me like I was less than. And then when Jared and his family moved back to the reservation, it started to really feel like I had a community. The 6 of us were inseparable.

I guess I kind of thought it would always be that way; there was no reason for it not to be.

As cliché as it sounds, my love for Leah changed at our end of the year dance in eighth grade. Before, she was like a sanctuary; she was home. She was safe. Never like a sister, don't be weird. But then she walked in with the twins wearing this really pretty light pink dress that had flowers on it with those thin straps. I was standing with Jared and Sam on the other side of the rec center, and it was like the world shifted under me. Ok, that's a little dramatic.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the first time I felt myself have a real crush—like the one from the heart, not the dick—was at that moment. It's as clear as day in my head; she kept fixing her hair and fiddling with this bracelet she had on. And I remember feeling my fingers twitch because I wanted to touch her hair and tell her that it was already perfect.

"Whoa…" I remember saying out loud.

Jared punched me in the arm. "Bro, are you looking at Leah?"

He started to laugh so I punched him back. "No, don't be stupid."

"You're totally staring at Leah, dude! Ew!"

"Get fucked, Jared," I shoved Jared away.

During the slow dance, I watched as Jared pulled Rachel onto the dance floor. That was a weird pair, but it made the most sense at the time. So I slipped out to stand outside for a break.

It was one of those nights where the sky was actually clear and you could see the stars. That's something I always loved about the Rez. No light pollution. Other than those lame disco lights, everything was pretty peaceful out here.

A gust of wind blew against my back as the glass door opened behind me. "Hey loser, why are you out here?" I heard Leah say. Her hand landed on my shoulder as she took her high heels off and kicked them aside. "My feet hurt so bad."

"Why are you wearing high heels anyway? You never wear heels," I said, looking back at her.

"It was Becca's idea," she rolled her eyes. She had pink sparkly eyeshadow on that was kind of glittering in the moonlight. She smiled at me. "I think you just hate that they make me taller than you."

"Not for long," I smirked. "I'm gonna be 7 feet tall in like a year. Watch."

She giggled. "Well, until then, do you wanna dance with me?"

"Dance?" My eyebrows flew up in surprise. "You wanna dance with me? Are you su—?"

"Shut up," she laughed as she pulled my hand until our bodies collided. You could hear the muffled singing of You Found Me by The Fray from inside. We swayed back and forth awkwardly for a second, trying to find a groove. I kept it respectful, leaving my hands well above her waist. She was still smiling as she looked up at me. "See, this isn't so bad, is it?"

I'm not a shy guy, that's pretty evident. But there was always a fine line between these girls that I've always considered to be my closest friends and whatever makes someone go from a friend to…more than that. At least in your own eyes. Between the puberty and the changes we knew were coming with high school, it made me want to take into account every single thing about this moment. She smelled like flowery perfume and I could feel her acrylic nails on my neck. "Nah, I guess it's not so bad," I said, grinning back at her.

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lying on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

"Tell me a secret," Leah said. That was always the game. I don't remember how it started. Probably Bex phishing for information one day and now we couldn't stop playing.

But I couldn't tell Leah about any of the feelings I'd been having for her. The wind brushed a strand of her hair into her face. I felt myself go to move it before I realized what I was doing. Her eyes fluttered down to my hand before back up at me. "You're my best friend," I decided to tell her.

"Me? What about Sam?"

"You first then Sam," I shrugged before I spun her around. "Your turn."

I watched her take a deep breath. She swayed closer to me a little, keeping our eyes locked. She bit her lip. "I think I lik—"

A few giggling girls came bursting out of the rec center, making us break apart. Leah's face immediately flushed the brightest red I'd ever seen it. She scratched the back of her neck while she waited for the girls to disappear into the parking lot. She stuttered, "I-I should go find Rachel. Um, I'll see you in there." And then she rushed back inside.

It's always feelings that get in the way of a good thing. We spent the rest of the summer like normal. And then when we started high school, that shit was like a jungle. I had told Sam that I liked Leah and I thought she liked me too freshman year. "You should go for it, bro," he said, shaking my shoulders. "Look, girls like Leah don't come around often. Get on that train before it leaves you behind."

I can't even count how many ways that was fucking ironic. I hate to say that he was right, but…he was right. And, I mean, look what's happened so far. It looks pretty fucking bleak right now. I'm separated from my girl, I haven't talked to her in years, and I'm back stuck in La Push like I always feared while she's living her best life in New York without me. At least, that's what it looks like when I make Jared go to her Instagram page every other day.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I think I just feel like I need to remind you all that this is a love story. It's a little crazy and unconventional, for sure. But it's worth it, I promise.

So let's talk about what led up to the night I finally got Leah and how it was the same night I knew I'd never have her the way I wanted.

We'd been spending more time alone than usual. We would walk home together after school every day after she would watch football practice from the bleachers. "Alright, the game is this Saturday. No distractions, no doing anything stupid, ok?" Coach said to the huddle. Everyone gave a strong 'yes, coach' in response before dispersing. Coach grabbed onto the back of my jersey before I could leave. "Not you. Hold up a second."

I turned back around, confused. "What's up, Coach?"

He put his hands on his hips. "Mr. Fallon told me your class has a geometry test on Friday and he's a little worried about your grade. What's going on?"

I shrugged. "Geometry is stupid. It's a waste of time."

Coach sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew I was right. And he also knew that I knew the material, I just didn't care to try. "Paul, look, I wasn't going to tell you this until Saturday," he started, "but I want you to start for the varsity team."

"What? Are you serious?" No freshman started varsity. It wasn't a thing.

"I can't do that though if you're failing geometry. Get at least a B on that test and I will have you starting every varsity game for the rest of the season."

I was practically jumping, I was so excited. "I won't let you down, Coach."

"Yeah, I need a little extra insurance, just in case," he mumbled before looking over my head. "Leah Clearwater!"

Leah's head popped up from her book. She was wearing a pair of flared jeans, a bright pink tank top that had some lacy, ruffle shit on the bottom, and a long necklace that had a peace sign on it. She pointed to herself in question as I whirled back to Coach. "Please don't do this," I begged. "I can do it myself. Just please don't bring her over here."

"It's not a big deal, Paul, relax," he said, waving her over.

"No, no, no, Coach, you don't get it. I really like this girl. I don't need her thinking I'm an idiot."

"You are an idiot for failing in the first place—hi, Leah honey, how are you? How's your mom?" Coach smiled at Leah who appeared beside me.

"She's good, Coach," Leah smiled back. "What's up? You wanted to see me?"

"You two are in the same geometry class, right? Third period with Fallon?" We both nodded, me reluctantly, her expectantly. "Alright, that's all I need to know. Paul, meet your new study partner. Leah, I need you help Paul pass that test you have on Friday."

"That's really not necessar—" I started to say.

"Sure," Leah said quickly. "I'd be happy to help."

Her cheeks were a little flushed but she played it cool. So we left, walking home side by side. Our hands would brush against each other every few steps, but neither of us did anything about it. At this point, Leah and I had kissed twice; once at the Black party and once on Harry's boat. Nothing more, nothing less. We didn't talk about it; we just let it speak for itself. I waited until we were almost between our houses to say, "You know you really don't have to help me study; I can handle it."

"I don't mind," she said softly, peaking over at me. "It'll be fun."

"I don't know if fun is the word I would use," I quipped.

"Then it'll be un-fun," she joked. "Come over tomorrow after school. Mama's off work so she'll probably make us dinner."

I nodded. "Ok…sounds good to me."

"Cool," she smiled at me. "See you tomorrow."

Then she kissed my cheek and ran into her house. My stomach did a flip and I was kind of frozen to my spot. But when I looked up, I saw my father lurking in the living room window. He raised his eyebrow in contempt before he shook his head, took a swig of his beer, and walked away from the window.

I wasn't afraid of my parents. Hell no. But I knew better than to do something they wouldn't agree with. They hated Harry Clearwater and his whole family. Yes, even Seth. They thought Seth was too happy. They'd always hated that Leah and I were close friends and routinely told me that I 'needed to stay away from that little bitch before she makes you dream bigger than what you're worth.'

Against my better judgment, I went into the house anyway and was greeted with a fist to the chest. I wanted to gasp out loud at the jolt, but stopped myself. "What did I tell you about hanging around that girl?" he said in a low voice. "That ain't for you."

"She's just a friend," I mumbled, bumping his shoulder as I passed.

"Stay away from her; I won't tell you again."

"Why do you care?"

"I don't need fucking Harry Clearwater in my fucking business, that's why!" He grabbed my arm to force me to look at him. "I mean it, little boy. Stay. Away. From. That girl."

"Get your fucking hands off of me," I gritted. His eyes darkened before he punched me right in the gut, making me double over. He let me drop to the floor to curl up in a fetal position. Then he just stepped over me.

"Watch your goddamn mouth, boy."

It wasn't the first time that had happened. It just got worse over time, especially when I learned how to fight back. Randall Lahote was a piece of shit and he knew it and didn't care. Diana too. If you've ever met two people who thrive on hating things and creating misery for their own procreation, I'm so sorry for you. Thank god I'm an only child though; I wouldn't wish life with these two on anyone else.

The Clearwaters saved my life. I mean that in every sense of the word. Without Sue and Harry and Leah, I honestly think that Diana and Randall would have killed me—whether that was accidentally or on purpose doesn't really matter—and I would have never known what real familial love felt like. My parents hated me for existing. Harry and Sue at least let me exist in their space without feeling like I was taking up too much of it.

So I ended up sneaking out of my bedroom window that night and going to the Clearwater's just to get away. I picked up a few pebbles and threw them at Leah's window. I could see from the shadow that she was sitting at her desk, probably doing homework. Then she opened the window to see me waving and pointing to the back door as I always did. She nodded before she disappeared from the window. "You ok?" she asked when she swung open the screen door.

"Yeah, I'm all good," I shrugged it off. "Mind if I sleep on the couch tonight?"

"Of course." She looked concerned. I could see her trying to discreetly scan me for bruises or cuts. "You wanna get a shower and then we can watch a movie or something?"

I nodded quietly. She didn't ask…I always asked her not to.

It was only worse after I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams that very next night. By it, I mean the aftermath of being with Leah for the very first time. I remember everything about that night; from what she was wearing to what she smelled like. I remember feeling so content just being in her presence and having her attention. Even if it was for something as stupid as geometry. That was also the first time I made her cinnamon rolls from scratch. They were always her favorite, no matter where they were from. But to watch her get so excited to watch me make them for her was priceless. So, while they were baking, we would study. And then we took a break to try them. And then we were back studying.

She would lean forward over my textbook and I would get a waft of that perfume she liked to wear. And she'd give me this wide eyed look as she asked me questions. Then her whole face would light up when I actually got it right. I only tried to see her face do that.

So when Sue left for the hospital, we were both doing a mental checklist if we were truly, truly alone. Harry was on a fishing trip, Sue was leaving for work, and Seth was at the Littleseas' house. We were alone. It was all a blur, but every single moment was etched into my brain forever. I remember reaching down to pull her chair closer to me. She was so nervous, but so was I. She pressed her forehead into my shoulder and I heard her take a deep breath in. When I tried to kiss her, she backed away only a little and whispered so quietly, "You make me nervous."

"Just tell me when you want me to stop," I told her before she allowed me to kiss her. I would have stopped if she asked me to. But I was hoping the entire time that she wouldn't.

Only a few people in the world can say that they genuinely had a fun time losing their virginity. When your first time is with your best friend, all of the awkward fumbles and bumps don't seem as bad. We laughed a lot and just enjoyed being with each other. It's always been like that with Leah. That's how I knew she really was the girl of my dreams and that I would do anything to have her for as long as she wanted me.

I walked out of the Clearwater house on fucking cloud nine. I should have stayed that night. A lot of things would have been different if I had stayed. Closing the door as silently as possible behind me, I was ready to make a beeline for my bedroom. Instead, I was greeted with my mother's wicked and menacing laughter. "Oh my god," she said. I turned to her as she pulled a cigarette out of a pack and lit it. "You didn't."

"Didn't what?" I asked, walking to my bedroom with my head down.

"You fucked someone, didn't you?"

Deny immediately. "No."

"Yes, you did," she laughed again as she followed me into my bedroom. "Look at you. It's all over your face. Rand—come here and look at this!"

Randall came from around the corner, his favorite rum in his hand. He took one look at me with those empty eyes and he knew. He chuckled. "Congratulations. Who's the girl?"

"What girl?" I mumbled as I tried to busy myself.

"Oh, so it wasn't a girl?" Diana joked.

"Can you just stop?" I asked. "It's none of your business."

"Just tell us who it was," Randall shrugged.

"Fuck off…" I muttered.

"As long as it wasn't that Clearwater girl," Diana snorted. "I hate that little twat. Her and her two faced fucking father." I didn't say anything. I just kept picking up shit from my dresser. "Oh shit. No fucking way. You fucked Leah fucking Clearwater?!"

"No, I didn't fu—I didn't have sex with Leah Clearwater. Get the fuck out of my room and get the fuck out of my face."

"You just won't quit, will you, boy?" Randall shook his head before he took a swig.

"It was probably a pity fuck," Diana commented. "You'll never be able to take care of a girl like that."

"Do you really think she'll see you as anything other than that charity case next door? No, don't be fucking stupid."

I finally snapped. "You don't know anything about Leah or her family! They're good people. They actually give a shit about me unlike you."

My father grabbed me by the shirt and slammed me against the wall. "Let's get one thing straight: those people will never fucking care about you. You will never be anything other than a Rez rat and you know that. So you can keep fucking that girl if you want to. But just remember, when she leaves you for some fuck like that golden boy piece of shit, Sam Uley, they will drop you like dead weight. And you'll be stuck here with us for the rest of your fucking life. Leave that girl alone or I'll make for damn sure she finds out how fucking worthless you really are. We clear?"

My jaw was clenched tight as his words rang in my ears. "Crystal," was all I said. He let go of my shirt, a smug look on his face. And they walked out without another word.

That's when everything changed. They got in my head; they took the only people that I considered to be my safe space and convinced me that they will only look at me like I was a stray that kept coming back for food. God, I hated my parents for what they did to me that night. I avoided Leah and the rest of the group the entire next day and couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. Like I remember seeing her in the front hallway that morning; she looked so excited to see me and I just mumbled something about needing to take care of something before class and walking off. I don't even want to imagine what her face looked like in that moment.

She still wore my number on her face at the game on Saturday. I can't tell you how good that felt. But, at 15 years old, I knew she would be better off without me. And sure enough, two or three weeks later, she and Sam started dating. I can't say I was blindsided; this was my own fault. She would have been happier with Sam, I had convinced myself. He would be good for her.

I ran away from my problems for years after that. I was blowing through girls at the school like the world was ending. Yes, it's true: I did get caught fucking Liv in the chemistry lab during first lunch. I can't justify it, but it sure was fun.

…until it wasn't anymore. The Clearwaters were still taking care of me, but more discreetly. I would only frequent their house under two conditions. 1. If everyone was home, or if Leah wasn't home. And 2. Only when my parents were out on a bender, which was often. So the day of the bonfire, they'd been gone for weeks and I hate that I wished they were dead, but I did.

Sam had told me that there were a bunch of fucked up things going on on the Rez and that I needed to be careful. That's it. That's all he said to me before he disappeared from the bonfire that night. Leah and Bex had run off for whatever reason, and Jared was talking to this girl from our physics class. Kim something. She was never on my radar; she's way too nice.

So I had a beer or two with Alena before she took off to be with her girlfriend. That's when I noticed that Bex was sneaking to the woods with Blake Phoenix and Leah was walking toward the beach by herself. I hadn't been alone with Leah in three years. For three very long years, I watched the girl of my dreams be someone else's. I tried to show her that I wasn't even worth fighting for. That Sam would be better for her.

Except Sam was being a flaky motherfucker who was keeping secrets. So I just put some food on a plate, grabbed a fresh beer from the cooler, and walked over just to talk to her. I held the beer out to her and watched as her eyes trailed from the bottle all the way up until we locked eyes. "You look like you need a drink," I said.

Leah's face went through a series of emotions. Excitement to see me, then confusion why I was talking to her, then I couldn't help but notice that little bit of sadness behind her eyes. So I sat next to her in the sand and just started eating while I tried to think of something to say. "What are you doing?" she asked. I loved the way her voice sounded in my ears.

"I'm eating," I said with my mouth full.

I saw the corners of her mouth almost smile. "No, I mean, what are you doing over here?"

"Oh," I nodded as I swallowed. "I saw you walk off. You looked frustrated or something. Drinks fix everything."

She told me she had been drinking on an empty stomach so I offered her some of my food. She shook her head, "I can't take your food."

I remember laughing at how bashful she was acting. Leah wasn't shy by any means. "It's a hamburger, Lee. Not my virginity," I joked before pausing and pretending to think. "Oh wait…"

She shoved me which made me laugh harder. And then her shoulders shook a little as she giggled. There was that smile I missed. I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes and winked cheekily. "Don't even start," she warned me, still tickled.

"Oh, come on, Lee. You know you were supposed to be my girl." Whoa, where the fuck did that come from? I was trying to hide the shock in my own face that I'd actually said that. And she looked surprised too. Because this was the first time either of us had acknowledged it to each other out loud.

"Is that so?" she asked coolly.

"Yup," I shrugged.

I don't need to recap all of this for you. You know this part of the story. You know about the undeniable electricity that passed between us when I grabbed her hand and when she accidentally crashed into my body. You know how different it was, how different it's always been. And since you know this part, you know that I meant every word I said. I finally got to tell her the truth about that night. It had been eating away at me for three fucking years and I could finally say, "My parents are fucking dicks and they got in my head. And I'm sorry."

So when she told me that she missed me, it reignited something in me that I didn't even know was still there.

I was still in love with Leah Clearwater.

So we hung out as friends. We made each other better. I took care of her for a change while she was battling having to fight secrets out of both Sam and her father. What I wanted was for her to see the value in herself that Sam was too stupid to appreciate. How do you have this beautiful, smart, feisty girl in your grip and just let her go? Sam was an idiot. And when I found out that he was the one to make her put her camera away, I helped her find that passion again.

I had tried to talk to Jared about what was going on with Sam, but then he started disappearing too in the same way. He started gaining a bunch of muscle and he shot up like 10 inches almost overnight. So I wasn't surprised when he didn't come on the boat with us. It was just me and the girls, drinking and laughing and having a genuine good time. Rachel wanted to talk about nothing but the Black party and all I wanted to do was spend time with Leah.

My parents had been on another bender for two weeks. Not a phone call, a text, a smoke signal. Nothing. They never told me when they were leaving, they never told me when they were coming back. So when I saw that red Ford in front of our house that day with Leah standing next to me, drinking from a bottle that I snuck from under the sink, I already knew I was in for a world of hurt. And it was only going to get worse the longer I avoided it. "Please don't go in there," Leah begged me, holding my arm. "Just come home with me."

My father loved to intimidate people. He could smell fear on her and that only fueled him more. I wanted to tell that I would be alright and not to worry, but that would be showing Randall that I was more vulnerable in front of this girl and I wasn't about to give him that satisfaction. So I told her to dump the bottle and to go home.

Randall pushed me hard in the back as I walked into the house. "Where have you been, little boy?" Diana asked from the couch.

"Out here with that little Clearwater bitch again," Randall said in that snarky ass tone of his as the door slammed behind him.

I turned on him fast before I could stop myself. "Yo, what the fuck did I tell you about talking about her like that?" I snapped.

He grabbed me by the shirt again, holding me to his body. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"Get off of me," I growled, shoving him. He swiped my hands away before he punched me square in the eye. I fell to the ground; I swear the whole floor shook at the contact.

My father crouched beside me. "Learn your place. It seems you forget who runs this house."

I snorted. "'Run this house.' You barely fucking live here. When's the last time you paid a goddamn bill around here?"

He punched me again in the mouth. I groaned at the pain, spitting out a little blood. "God, we go through this way too much with you," he shook his head. "Is she making you feel bold?" His tone was mocking. "Is she making you brave? Is that what it is?"

"This is not about her," I said, staring at the ground.

"Oh, it's not? Leah Clearwater comes back into your life and all of a sudden you're talking back and stealing my shit? Feels like a common denominator."

"Big word for you," I hissed.

He grabbed me by the hair until I was looking at him. I almost worried he'd tear it right out of my skull. "Watch your fucking mouth around me. You hear me? You really don't want to see what happens when you piss me off."

I bit my tongue. "Whatever." He let me go. For most of my life, I was only met with aggression from both of my parents. These were the people that brought me into this world and I had never felt more hated by anyone else. And I still don't know what I did to make them hate me as much as they always have.

That's how I ended up living with the Clearwaters. The day after that incident, Harry caught me right before I got in the shower. "How are you feeling, champ?"

"Living the dream," I answered sarcastically. "Hey, thanks for letting me stay last night. I just…I didn't know where else to go."

"Paul, you're always welcome here," he said. "I'm sorry I couldn't step in before it got this bad."

I shrugged it off. "It's not a big deal…"

"It is," he argued. "Paul," he sighed heavily. "Leah told me how upset you were last night. Reasonably so. Randall and Diana have made things really hard for you and you have never deserved any of it. I hope you know that."

I wanted to believe that. It was just hard.

"I want you to come live with us, Paul," Harry said. "Full time."

"They'd never let me do that…"

"It's not up to them anymore," he told me. He got a little closer to me and lowered his voice. "Look, no one wants to get child services involved. You're too close to graduating for that mess. But Rand and Di know that the threat is enough for them to back off. I've already told them you're coming to stay with us until further notice. I can't force you, but I'm doing this to keep you safe, ok?"

I just nodded. And then I felt a single tear fall from my face. Harry pulled me into a hug and I wanted to crumble. But I didn't. I couldn't. When he let me go to head downstairs, I saw Leah standing behind him, twiddling with her fingers a little. She didn't say anything; she just gave me a small smile, came up to kiss me on the cheek, and joined Harry downstairs.

So I decided to clean my act up. I worked harder at school, I kept my own curfew, I didn't cause trouble. Leah and I would wake up early and stay up late, just talking. It was like we couldn't spend enough time together. Like the time she convinced me to make funfetti cupcakes in the middle of the night. She was giggling up a storm because she knew how I felt about funfetti. It's weird! It's not real cake!

We were playing music in the background while she stirred the cake mix. She always did a little dance while music was playing. This time, it was Bruno Mars. I tried not to stare at her little purple shorts and tight tank top. These lines were blurring fast; one part of my brain was screaming, "She's still Sam's!" while the other part was screaming, "Bend her over the counter right now!"

"Here, try this," she said after sucking the batter off of her forefinger. She stuck her thumb in it and held it out to me.

"Ew, Leah, you're not supposed to eat raw cake batter. That's really gross," I smirked at her. "Remember there's egg in it?"

"You are such a baby. Just try it." She laughed as she rolled her eyes and popped her finger in my mouth.

Here's the thing. With Sam's little magician act, he hadn't been around in almost three weeks. And Leah and I were getting really too close to each other. It felt like old times. Testing the waters to see how the other reacts. She does things to catch me off guard like stick her fingers in my mouth. And I gently grab her wrist to hold it there for a beat or two longer than a friend should. Keeping eye contact. Feeling her pulse quicken just a little. Her eyes kept darting from my eyes to my lips wrapped around her thumb while my tongue worked to clean it of the batter.

Then I let her go. And I just shrugged and casually said, "You were right, it does taste good."

Her mouth was agape for a second before she blinked herself back. "Yeah…see, I told you so," she said as she chuckled nervously.

What I wanted to do was pick her up, set her on the counter, and kiss her until we both couldn't breathe. I wanted to rip those tiny shorts off and fuck her into next week. Make her forget Sam and how much he's been hurting her. I wanted to hear my name on those perfect lips and feel her soft skin on mine. But I can't do that. I wouldn't while she was still hurting and begging for answers from Sam. If Leah was ever going to be mine, she was only going to be mine. Not mine and his.

That next day, I broke up with Liv for good. Well…broke up is relative. Liv and I were never together together. We were fuck buddies; I knew she didn't want anything serious and neither did I. So we had fun, but that was it. I took her to this place in Forks so we could have an honest conversation. Apparently, she didn't like that so much. "Are you fucking kidding me?" she hissed. "You're dumping me?"

"I'm not dumping you," I shook my head. "Graduation is almost here. You don't want to carry dead weight with you when you leave here."

"Oh, so this has nothing to do with you making googly eyes every single time you see Leah Clearwater? I'm not blind, Paul. You're practically a puppy around her."

I rolled my eyes. "This is not about Leah. Her family is helping me out right now. We're friends, that's it."

"You're so full of shit," she scoffed as she scooted out of the booth and stormed out of the place. I followed her out, trying to explain that it wasn't about Leah…even though it was. I already felt like a piece of shit, I didn't want to make her feel worse. Liv whirled around and punched me in the chest. "You know, you're not the only guy I'm fucking around here. I could have anyone I want. You don't dump me."

"Liv—"

"You know I was with Blake the same time I was with you," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "How does it feel knowing you were inside me after he was?"

I held back a small laugh before saying, "I'm sorry, Liv."

"I hate you," she said as she climbed into her car.

"Sounds about right."

Is it bad that I felt better after that conversation? I was still so confused about everything with Leah, but I was making headway to something that made sense.

Until I went home and saw that a certain red Ford Focus was missing from my childhood home's driveway. When I went inside, it was still the same mess it had always been. Except even worse because I wasn't there to keep it relatively clean. The cigarette smell was stronger than ever, there were broken and unbroken bottles everywhere. Under my father's favorite bottle of rum, there was a note.

You'll be happier with your new family. You probably already are.

That was it. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. They left me. Like they actually left me. "Shit," I cursed as I ran to my bedroom. It was completely ransacked. My dresser drawers were ripped open, my mattress was flipped over, my closet was torn apart. "No, please no…" I whispered as I checked all of my hiding places. I had stashed money all around my room for emergencies. I'd played out every scenario in case I needed to run away or fend for myself for an extended period of time. The $150 I had under my mattress was gone. The $50 I kept in my socks—gone. The other $100 I had in my football bag…gone. I found a stash they hadn't stolen in the windowsill and a couple of bills in my jeans. But that was only $200. My money was gone, my parents were gone. I dropped to my knees and felt the urge to punch a wall.

I worked my ass off all day to sell the rest of their shit so I could make up for it in between making food for the Black party. Food was my happy place; it was the only thing that was keeping me from losing my shit. There was a guy who wanted the couch and he came to pick it up before the end of the day. I only made $125 that day.

Then there was a knock at the door. Leah was standing there in all of her glory. "Lee," I said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to check on you. You haven't been around all day," she smiled at me.

I closed the door behind me so she couldn't see inside and crossed my arms over my chest. "Yeah, I just had to take care of some stuff. Sorry about that," I said as I looked her up and down. She was beautiful. As always. She was wearing this black lace dress that hugged her curves and showed her back. "Goddamn, Clearwater," I said with a smirk.

"Do you like it?" She did a little spin.

"You look hot," I chuckled. "You'll crush it tonight."

"So why aren't you dressed then?"

I sighed heavily as I thought about my empty fucking house behind me, "I'm, uh…still taking care of things right now," I told her, "but I'll be there in an hour, I promise."

"You know Rachel will kill you if you don't show up. Plus…I want you there too," she said shyly. She was looking up at me through her lashes. "We can have a drink or a dance or something."

I licked my lips as I looked her up and down again. "We can definitely have a drink or a dance or…something," I smirked.

Of course, she showed up a few hours later, drunk and stumbling over herself a little. It was really cute. But you could see that switch in her behavior as soon as I showed her what I'd been doing all day. And I don't know why I was so surprised that she gathered all of our friends for me, but I was. It was the perfect way to end a shitty day.

But then there was also that whole thing where Sam had come back and developed that weird obsession with Emily, Leah's cousin. He wouldn't ever talk to Leah one on one; he just kept making excuses to hang around Emily. I confronted him about it and all he said was, "You don't know what you're talking about. Mind your business."

You know what happens next. Leah finds Sam and her cousin in her bed after the Black party. And she comes to me in the middle of the night. Soaked from head to toe in a white dress. A combination of relief, hurt, and confusion all over her face. That first kiss…it said everything that needed to be said for weeks.

I brought her inside and feeling her body on mine was even better than I thought it would be. She was perfect. This moment was perfect. When she was right in front of me naked and asking me to take her to bed, I thought I would lose my mind.

Taking Leah to bed was exactly what we both needed. But here's what you don't know…what she didn't tell you or what she didn't remember. The way she arched herself into me as we moved together and I watched as her eyes fluttered closed and she whispered, "Paul…"

"You feel so good," I groaned against her neck.

"I love you…" she gasped as she arched into me again. "Please don't stop."

It was the first time she'd ever told me she loved me. Leah felt what I was feeling whether she realized that she said it or not.

We entered this love bubble that was damn near indestructible. You know that feeling when you love someone so much that you don't want to sleep because being with that person is better than any dream you could have in the night? It was like that. I wanted her in my arms all the time. I wanted to witness all of her wins and hold her through her losses.

What we were for each other was what we couldn't find before. I realized how badly Leah wanted to make her parents proud by being the responsible one. By doing what she thought they wanted from her. And I had never been allowed to dream past my fingertips. Harry and Sue finally looked at both of us and realized that we could have a life meant for us outside of La Push. It was something I had never thought for myself, but they poured their faith in me and encouraged me to go to culinary school. And then they sent us off to look at colleges all over the country. I could have never imagined something like that.

That's how we ended up in New York and, at the time, it was the perfect place to learn who I was and what I wanted. It was the goddamn wolf stuff that made it all complicated. I couldn't explain to Leah that I was about to burst into a flame at all times and I didn't understand why I kept growing.

Sam's jealous bitch ass couldn't handle that we were actually happy without him. And the day he came into my house and poked and provoked me was one of the worst of my life. "You should have never stepped foot off of this reservation without consulting me first," Sam's voice was bouncing off the walls.

"Consulting you? What are you, my probation officer?"

"There are things coming for you, Paul. You have no idea," he said, his face set in stone.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, ok, whatever you say, Sam. Get the fuck out of my house."

"Not until you tell me exactly what happened while you were away with Leah."

"What does that have to do with anything? It's not your business."

He started to look around the empty house. "You know, it's a shame about your parents leaving. It's almost like they knew something was going to happen and you'd get stuck here for the rest of your life. It's good you had your little adventures with Leah first though to keep the memory alive."

"What the fuck are you talking about, Uley?"

"She'll leave you like they did. And you'll amount to nothing just like them. Unless, of course, you let me take over and help you."

I'd heard enough. He's barely speaking English. "Ok, it's time for you to get out. Goodbye."

Sam pushed me by the shoulders. He was egging me to get angry. It was working. "That's enough, Sam," Jared said behind him.

"It's enough when I say it's enough." Sam's eyes were crazy as hell as he pushed me again. I swung on him. Got him square in the jaw. And that motherfucker launched me into the wall.

"What the fuck?!" I heard it come out of my mouth, but something started clawing and crawling out of my body. It hurt like a bitch. I couldn't control how badly I was shaking. Then Leah came in to see what was going on and it got worse. Whatever was happening, I didn't need her to see.

"Leah, get out of here," Jared told her.

"What the hell did you do?" she yelled as she came to my side. I was trying to tell her to get away from me. I didn't want to hurt her. She just kept asking if I was ok; I couldn't answer.

Everything happened so quickly. All I remember is Sam grabbing Leah and then I saw red. I launched toward him when Jared tackled me. That thing inside of me was coming closer and closer to the surface until I couldn't take it anymore. Four paws instead of two hands and two feet. Fur instead of skin. Goddamn barking instead of speaking.

Jared jumped away from me, holding his arm. He shook his head. "This was not a good idea, Sam. He's fucking terrified."

"So were we when we phased. Who gives a shit?" Sam said. That's when I noticed that Leah had fainted in his arms. I growled at him, rushing toward him. Jared held me back. "It was going to happen anyway."

"I have to go get Harry," Jared said, going toward the door.

"For what?!"

"Someone has to handle this, Sam! Not only does this involve Paul now, but Leah too! And she's fucking passed out, for fuck's sake!"

After Jared left to get Harry, Sam looked at me with this satisfied smirk. "Looks like you're here to stay now. No more running off with Leah."

Listen, I can't thank Harry enough for giving me a real shot at living a real life outside of La Push. I love my home, but, at 18, it was getting smaller and smaller. Leah and I were both feeling it, this rush to get out before it swallowed us whole.

Life in New York was great. I loved that gritty underbelly of the city. Those hole in the wall restaurants and finding those diamond in the rough dive bars. No two people experienced New York City the same way. That was my favorite part about it. What was better than living in the greatest city in the world with my girl and getting to learn what I love to do from some of the best? Literally nothing. It was greater than anything could have dreamt for myself. It was the start of the rest of our lives.

We made a home. We made a life. And I always cherish those nights we would be cuddled on our couch in our apartment, drinking wine and having dinner that I cooked for us in our kitchen. One night, Nina came over for dinner. Don't tell Leah, but Nina is my favorite of her New York friends. Adriana's fine, I just don't fully trust anything that she has to say. But anyway, I was whipping up something for us to eat while the girls were watching some wedding show. And I heard Nina ask this (she was trying to whisper, but, ya know…wolf ears). "So are you taking his last name when you and Paul get married?"

Leah didn't even think about it. "Yeah." Then she paused. "But I really love my last name so I'll probably hyphen my name."

I can't tell you how much I was smiling like an idiot. "Leah Clearwater-Lahote," Nina tried.

"Aileah Sage Clearwater-Lahote," Leah said definitely. "I like it. It's long and cute."

They both laughed a little before going back to watching the show. I set the last of the food on the table. "Alright, girls, you ready to eat?"

They both jumped up and came to the table, still chatting about the show. I pulled out Nina's chair, then Leah's. I leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I like it too."

She looked up at me with surprised eyes before she smiled at me and puckered her lips for a kiss. I kissed her once on the lips and once on the forehead before pushing her chair in. "You guys are so cute," Nina swooned.

It was moments like that that made it worth it. And it also made things that much harder. Every once and a while, I'd hear my father in my head, telling me that she'll eventually see that I'm not worth anything. That I wouldn't be able to keep up with someone like Leah. Julian fucking Gerard only made that harder. Julian was like if Sam was born a rich white boy on the Upper East Side and you could clock his money from down the fucking block.

He was arrogant, he was beloved in his community of people in art and academia, and he didn't mind flaunting what he had. I hated that motherfucker. From the first time he tried to discreetly slip Leah his number over the summer at the shoot to when he gave us the keys to his house upstate just for shits and giggles. I told my friend Kristina about how much it bothered me and she said, "I have never seen anyone look at another person the way Leah looks at you. That girl loves you so much, don't fuck this up by being jealous over something that doesn't exist."

She was right, but that's exactly what I did. The night before we left for South Cairo, we went to the bodega to get some food. She playfully pinched my butt as we walked through the aisles to try to lighten the mood. "Lee," I chuckled. "Come on, focus."

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry," she said before she picked up more food. We loaded them on the counter and she started digging in her bag. "Oh shit, I left my wallet upstairs."

"I'll go get it for you," I suggested.

She shook her head. "No, it's ok. I think I have a loose bill in here somewhere…"

Leah dug around in her bag for a while before she pulled out a crisp $20 bill. She didn't look at me, she just put it on the counter as she started loading the food into her grocery bag. I don't think I'd seen a piece of money that perfect in my life. Where did it come from?

So…I may have waited until she was in the shower to take a look at what was going on. The envelope was wedged between two of her class notebooks. It was bulged like there had been a lot of money in there before, but there wasn't as much now. And on the front…

Julian J. Gerard

Columbia University, Schermerhorn Hall

1190 Amsterdam Ave

New York, NY 10027

In between the bills was a receipt from the bank to deposit $400. I wasn't jealous…I wasn't jealous…I was not jealous. What would I have to be jealous for?

Why the fuck would someone be giving my girlfriend hundreds of dollars? And why didn't she say anything?

When she said I was in a bad mood the day he gave it to her, that made sense. It felt bad, but it made sense. I'd just been told I needed to do a re-test for something I'd felt so confident in and it had me rethinking whether or not I even wanted to finish culinary school. I remember that day; I wouldn't have reacted well.

But it still hurt that she hid it from me, you know? And then we spent that first night in South Cairo arguing over stupid shit. "How long…?" she'd asked. "How long have you felt like this?"

I remember dropping my head in front of me because I was so frustrated. "I don't know," I told her. "It was like all of a sudden every single time you left for class, it was sitting there in the back of my mind. If he's on campus and you're on campus, what if…you know?" Then I turned to face her and my heart broke at the tears in her eyes. "But then you'd come home every night and you'd look at me with those eyes and kiss me and it was like everything melted away. I was the one who got to hold you at night. But it was still there. The way he looks at you…he looks at you the way Sam used to. Like you're his to take."

It just made it worse when I saw them at the gala. Like what a clearer cut line between the haves and the have nots. She was a princess; she looked absolutely gorgeous. While I was serving people who didn't even bother to look me in the eye. I watched as he put his hand on her lower back and introduced her to some woman. She kept glancing at her phone while they were speaking. And when she saw me…I'd never seen the color drain from her face that fast.

You know when you start pulling at a thread and you can't stop? And then it just falls apart? That's what was happening to me and Leah. It was an out of body experience. I knew in my heart that Leah and I would be together forever, I just couldn't figure out why we couldn't find the rhythm.

I spent two nights in Central Park, phasing and unphasing, trying to get ahold of myself. Trying to figure out what to say to her to fix this. To fix us. Because we deserved to be happy and I wanted us to be happy together. Then I got this in my head, Paul, where the fuck are you? It was Jared.

What, Jared? I'm not in the mood.

This is an emergency, man. You need to get home now. It's Harry.

Finding out that Harry Clearwater died was devastating. Even worse so because I couldn't be there with Leah when she found out about her father. I do regret that every single day. So I did whatever I could to get there as fast as possible.

I stayed with Leah in every way that I could. I made the Clearwaters breakfast every morning and waited for Leah to come out of her bedroom. She was in a bad way. Harry's death took a major toll on all of them, but you could just feel how heartbroken Leah was.

She cried in her sleep every night and I would hold her for as long as she would allow me. I'd leave just before dawn to give her her space. I missed seeing her smile and seeing her hazel eyes when they're not full of tears.

I just missed my Leah.

But the Bella incident was enough to scare me straight. I hadn't lost control like that in months. All I kept thinking was what if someone got hurt? What if it happened again? What if I hurt Leah? I couldn't bear the idea of hurting Leah because I don't have control of my shit. So, after Jake and I settled our fight, I immediately went to find Jared. I started pacing his living room, gripping my hair like I was about to rip it out. "I don't know—I don't know—I don't know what happened. How the hell did I lose control that quickly?" I asked.

"It's not a big deal, bro," Jared said. "Your emotions are heightened right now. Between Harry's funeral and trying to help the Clearwaters, you've been wound up. It's fine, it happens."

"I could have hurt that girl," I realized. "It's like all those months of training just went to shit."

I was frustrated with myself for losing control like that. "Paul, you gained better control in three months than Embry or Quil have in almost a year. I promise you, dude, sometimes it's just an accident. Tension is high around here these days. I think this is just ego talking right now."

"So what do I do then?" I asked, finally letting myself sit down.

He shrugged as he thought about it. "I mean…you could stay for a couple of months just for the sake of getting yourself together again. That's all I can think of."

"A couple of months?"

"Just for added security." He paused. "Do you think Leah will be ok with that?"

I dropped my head in my hands. "I have no idea…"

A couple of months turned into a year…which turned into two…which turned into three. Three years back on the reservation, no contact with Leah, living back in my childhood house. I completely rebuilt it with my bare hands. It helped with how angry I was that I got trapped back home. And when I say trapped, I mean that I trapped myself. I let myself get scared; I thought about running back to New York so many times.

So much happened during that time. Because of Jacob and Bella, the whole pack found itself in the middle of a fucking war with an army of newborn vampires. I love the kid, but I can't lie: he was the reason why we were always in the middle of some shit. Because of that girl.

As much as I would have loved to be the one to rip that red headed bitch's head off, Bella's vampire boyfriend got to her first. Then when she got pregnant—yeah, how the fuck did that happen—Jacob decided that she was enough to break away from the pack. Which made Seth also break away from the pack. Because he believed fully in loyalty and love. But I couldn't just let Seth get himself hurt because of some feud, so I followed him. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I felt like I was digging myself in deeper into this wolf shit when all I wanted was out. I was protecting Seth first, and still trying to maintain my sanity and my brotherhood with Jared.

By the third year, I really started hating being a wolf. The super strength and good ears weren't worth how exhausting it really is. I was patrolling late hours. I wasn't sleeping. I was nearing closer to miserable everyday. Not to mention that I was torturing myself by making Jared show me Leah's Instagram every time I thought about it. "This is not healthy," he rolled his eyes.

"Shut up and show me," I said. She was living an entire life without me. Leah's Instagram was filled with pictures of the city and flowers and drinks. Lots of martini glasses and posing with her friends. My favorite was the picture of her and the twins at Becca's wedding. She was wearing this sparkly dress that looked like the Prosecco I used to serve at those fancy rich parties. So champagne colored? Is that a color? Anyway, Leah and Rachel were on either side of Bex, smiling big for the camera, holding their bouquets high over their heads. She looked so happy. It was one of the only pictures she actually posted of her face head on. Usually, she was looking off into the distance or covering her face with her phone.

She'd posted three times since I'd last forced Jared to stalk her. Even Seth had trouble reaching her sometimes. The first photo was of her martini with no caption, but she tagged Soho House. One photo was of the beach with the caption you can find me at the beach. And one with Rachel and Bex again, smiling with coffee in their hands. bringing home to the hamptons. That was taken this morning. "You should call her," Jared said sympathetically. "When's the last time you talked to her?"

"When's the last time she was home?"

He winced. "Damn, it's been that long?"

"I think she called me," I blurted out. "The other night, I got a call from her phone, but…she hung up. So I thought maybe it was an accident."

"If she hasn't talked to you in three years, I don't think that was an accident. Did you call her back?"

"She looks happy," I shrugged. "I shouldn't bother her. I don't want to dredge up old shit for her."

"Social media's not real," Jared told me. "Look at her eyes."

He zoomed in on the picture and he was right. She just looked sad behind the eyes, like that smile was all that she could manage.

"I don't know about you, but the last time I saw Leah look that sad—other than at Harry's funeral—was when you stopped coming around in high school freshman year." I didn't say anything as I just stared at the photo. The more I looked at it, the emptier she appeared. "Look, I gotta go before I'm late for patrol. Just think about calling her. And make your own damn Instagram account. You're not a grandpa."

"What do I need social media for?" I called after him.

"So you can stalk your own ex-girlfriend on your own time and on your own phone," he yelled before running into the woods. I rolled my eyes before I started walking home. When I got to the house, I could feel that something wasn't right. Call it wolf intuition or…the PTSD of an abused kid. But I felt it as soon as they stepped on the reservation. Well before I spotted that old Ford they've driven my whole life. Yes, they. As in…

"Look who's all grown up," my mother's voice was exactly the same, if not a little bit raspier from all of the cigarettes. She came from around the back of the house. "Wow, my son isn't a little boy anymore. Can you believe it, Rand?"

His beer belly greeted me before he did. His dead, dark eyes greeted me last. Maybe it's just because I'm bigger, but he seemed so much smaller now. "Hello, son," he said. He kind of spat out son like it was a dirty word.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"We live here, remember?"

"No, you left. 'You'll be happier with your new family.' Remember that?" I crossed my arms over my chest. They tried to come closer; it felt like a threat so I stood my ground. "This isn't your house anymore. What do you want?"

"Well, we were having a great time in Port Angeles, but the well has run dry. Figured we'd come back home for a while. We like what you've done with the place from what we could see. It seems the locks have been changed so we couldn't get a better look," Diana said.

"And you won't," I stated. "You're not welcome here."

"We heard Harry Clearwater finally bit the dust," Randall said with a smirk. "It's about time. I always knew I'd outlive that son of a bitch."

That made me step forward. "You will say nothing about Harry Clearwater, you hear me?" I growled.

"Ohhh, you think because you're all big and bad now that you can speak to me any way you want?" Randall sneered. He walked until we were chest to chest.

It was surreal that the only thing I ever had in common with my father was my temper. We looked nothing alike, we thought nothing alike. I don't think my father was even capable of love or compassion. My worst fear was that I would end up like Randall. Bitter and angry, living in a loveless household.

I may have been stuck on La Push, but I've felt what real love is. Leah showed me real love. So did Harry and Sue. Even Seth—he'd become the little brother I never had even more so now that he had phased. All of that fear of becoming exactly who my parents always believed I would be slid right off my back.

Randall smirked again. "That's what I thought. I knew underneath all of that bravado was still the scared little kid Paulie has always been." He laughed in my face. He grabbed me by the shirt like he used to when I was a kid.

And before I could stop myself, I shoved him away from me and gave him a good ol' right hook to the face. Watching him drop to the ground in the same way he'd made me drop time and time again was exhilarating. Randall groaned as he struggled to get up. I crouched down to his level—the last time I'd ever do it—and made him face me and I said, "I said you're not welcome here. If you come back, you'll have me to deal with. And I'll make it hurt for real. That was a warning. My words are the promise. Get the fuck off my property."

Diana ran to pick Randall up. "You can't just treat us like this!" she shrieked. "Is this how you treat family? He's still your father!"

"No, you two may have brought me into this world, but Harry Clearwater is the only father I will recognize. Do I need to tell you twice to get the fuck off my property?" I roared.

"It's fine, Di," Randall rasped as he got himself to his feet. "He can have this piece of shit house. He can have the whole reservation, if he wants to. But if he ever cared about being a good son, he'd give us what we need."

Of course they want money. I took my wallet from my back pocket, shaking my head. "I'm not a good son," I said. "What did you take from me last time? $300?" I pulled out what I had left in my wallet and threw it at his feet. "Here's $500. You clearly need it more than I do. Don't show your faces around here ever again."

Diana scrambled for the money like it was a life source. She counted it and shoved it in her bra, not even bothering to look at me in the eye. Then she got into the car, waited for Randall to join her. And they left. For good.

The first thing I wanted to do was tell Leah. I imagined how she'd hug me, in comfort and in pride. I went inside and poured me a glass of bourbon and sat on the couch, a shaky breath escaping from my body. My entire body was vibrating. Then I pulled out my phone and I downloaded Instagram. LahoteTheWolf24 searched for AileahSagexo like I had a million times before. Her profile was public. And she'd posted a new picture of the city from the window of what looked like a bus. Caption: vacation cut short, back to reality…

Cut short? Was she alright? I thought about texting her just to say that I was thinking about her. I was always thinking about her. And then I noticed that I had missed a notification.

A new voicemail from Leah Clearwater

"What?" I said out loud. I clicked it and heard that voice that I hadn't heard in three long years. Except she sounded upset. Alarmingly upset.

"Hey…it's me. Leah. Clearwater…duh. Fuck, I'm sorry for calling out of the blue like this. I'm just a little drunk and…"she started crying. "I'm really fucking sad right now."

She started rambling something about that Gilmore Girls show that she made me watch that time she caught a stomach bug. She was trying to speak through her tears, but she was too upset to speak clearly. "…when you decided to stay in La Push, it was almost like I was mourning for two people. Like you had died too." That part was crystal clear. "I don't like the person I've become," she said, "I think you made me so much better than I ever realized."

I had started pacing because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. But also why was I surprised? We were both hurting when she left. I just…I thought she'd find her way to someone else by now. "…I know I can't keep waiting for you to save me. Anyway, this is Leah. Ok, love y—bye."

I can't keep waiting for you to save me. Those nine words were ringing in my ears hard. I looked at the time. It was only 6:00, which meant it was 9:00 New York time.

I needed to see her. I didn't care how or for how long. My body was telling me that I needed to see Leah right now.

So I started running. On four legs, of course. I ran for almost 28 hours straight. I took a train from Jersey straight to Harlem and I ran to our old building, hoping she was still there. Her scent was all over that building so I followed it up to the 5th floor fire escape. It was almost midnight. When I found her, she was asleep in her bed next to the window, wearing one of my old t shirts and hugging a wolf stuffy I won for her at a fair as a joke at Coney Island. Her window was cracked, as it always was. She looked beautiful. But she looked tired.

It started to rain on me as I took in the love of my life in front of me for the first time in way too long. I knocked on the window softly, knowing it would wake her. She thinks I don't know she's a light sleeper, but I've always known. Her eyes fluttered open before they started to shut again. "Leah…" I said quietly as I tapped the glass again. "Leah, baby, wake up."

She hugged the stuffed animal closer to her as she yawned. Her eyes opened again. She shuddered a little as the breeze passed through the window. Then she looked up. There were those hazel eyes I'd been dreaming of every night. They widened as she registered my presence. She threw herself out of bed and over to the window, sliding it open. I reached out and pushed the hair away from her face. "Hi," I whispered.

Her lips parted as she studied my face. She touched my cheek softly as if she were afraid I'd disappear. The pad of her thumb brushed against my lips and I grabbed her wrist to hold her there. I kissed her thumb before she pulled away. "Am I dreaming?" she asked.

"No, baby…I'm here."