A/N: So as I was writing this chapter I looked down at the wordcount and realized it was already over 8k! I had to split it in two but the good news is that means I'm already done with chapter 5 too and I have no self-control when it comes to completed chapters so I'll probably post the next one tomorrow or that day after... if I can wait that long lol.
FYI This isn't going to be a super long story, I made an outline and I'm thinking give or take it'll be tenish chapters
Buffy feels like she's in a TV show, you know that moment, that moment when everyone is just looking back and forth between the other people in the room waiting for someone other than them to clear the situation up? Yeah, that's what it feels like right now. Except, it seems like certain people are waiting for different explanations than others are. She knows that because Giles and Xander's eyes flicked to Buffy's and Spike's hands, which were still interlaced, in between each flick to the people in the room. Buffy already feels the pressure building, she hasn't even been able to talk to Spike yet, you know, the other person in her visions, but it's clear that they want an explanation, and because the First Slayer showed her that she didn't need to cow tail, cow toe, kowtow? Whatever that saying is, she isn't going to do it, even if she still feels like she should. So she straightens her shoulders and looks Giles in the eye, then switches to Xander, then back to Giles. "Did you get the blood?"
"Err, yes. Buffy, what is going on?"
"You already know the sitch, Giles. Vampire is captured by Hell god, vampire gets tortured by Hell god to give up Slayer's sister, vampire keeps his mouth shut, vampire gets saved by Slayer, and vampire gets blood to heal, it's a tale as old as time. What's bringing you the confusion here?"
"Uhh, maybe the part where the vampire holds hands with the slayer and the private întimate moment gets broken up by the level-headed ones on the team. Buff, are you sure you didn't experience heat stroke out in the desert? You're not acting right." Xander interrupts.
Buffy feels her shoulders slump, she feels them turn inward to hide herself, she feels her urge to yield to what the others want and she nearly commits to it, to giving everyone the Buffy they expect but that Buffy is gone, that Buffy had her eyes opened to the truth and she isn't going to let herself go backward. Sure, she still isn't sure what all she learned means, to her at least, but she isn't going to let others decide for her, she's going to do that herself. She just needs some peace and quiet to do it. Plus, she feels like Spike deserves to know what is going on, since it involves him and all. So she straightens her shoulders right back up and looks at two of the most important men in her life in the eye before responding, "Yes, we were in the middle of something that you so rudely interrupted. Something that is none of your business, thank you for helping me to save him, and thank you for getting him blood. I'm good from here, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."
She should have known that it wasn't going to be that easy but a girl could hope, "Excuse me, Buffy, I think I deserve to know what happened during that vision quest, what it was that changed your opinion about people without souls, about Spike in particular."
She sighs, "You're not wrong, Giles. My opinion of Spike has changed a lot, and for good reason. You better believe you and I will talk about it, I just hope you haven't been lying and hiding from me the things I learned tonight. God Giles, I don't know if I could handle finding out you've been lying to me the whole time I've known you. So, for the sake of our relationship, I hope I'm going to blow your mind as much as mine has been blown but you don't get to know what I've learned before Spike does."
"And why, pray tell, does a soulless murdering demon get to know what you've learned before I do?"
"Because what I've learned involves Spike. And because, as the Slayer, I say so. I guess what it comes down to is you trusting me. do you trust me, Giles?"
Giles looks surprised and it didn't surprise Buffy when he takes his glasses off to clean before responding, when he's finally done, he looks at Buffy, "Of course, I trust you, Buffy."
She nods her head, "Good, then I'm going to need you to leave the blood and go home, we'll talk tomorrow." She smiles widely when Giles eventually nods his head and starts to make his way to the door. He stops when he hears Xander speak.
"Sorry Buff, but I don't know if I agree with Giles on this one."
"What does that mean, Xander?" If he's trying to tell her he doesn't trust her judgment, she's going to make sure he says the words and not just beat around the bush about it.
"I just mean that I don't think it's smart leaving you alone with him."
"So are you saying you don't think I can handle a beaten and bloody vampire? Or are you saying you don't trust my judgment as the Slayer?" She asks, by the widening of Xander's eyes, he knows he's backed himself into a corner he has to be smart to get out of.
He stays quiet for a long time before he finally replies, "What I'm saying is Spike isn't to be trusted and if you're trusting him, maybe he put a spell on you."
Buffy feels her patience coming to an end but she also understands where Xander is coming from. She is acting very different than she would have had Spike been captured yesterday, and he's one of her best friends, so of course he cares about her and he's worried about her. Normally that thought would be enough for her to back down, explain everything, and listen to everyone else's opinions but that's just not going to happen tonight. Maybe it's because she spent time with the first slayer and it made her feel all close to her roots or whatever, or maybe it's because she has a lot of other things on her mind that she has to figure out and just doesn't have the time or mental bandwidth to have a long scoobie intervention about her choices. For whatever reason, tonight she just can't stop wondering when she started letting everyone else override her slayer decisions. She's the slayer, she has to make the hard choices that usually involve life or death, and she has to be the one to go out and fight every night. She loves and values her friends and watcher but she drew the unlucky straw that made her all choseny so what she says goes, and she decides she's going to make sure her friends know it.
So she lets go of Spike's hand to stand up but gives him a small smile to let him know he's not the problem here and looks at Xander. "Listen, Xan, I get it. This is not what you're used to and it's giving you the wiggins, that's fine, expected even. But I learned a lot today, and it's going to change the way things are done within our little family. A big part of that is that Spike is part of us now, whether you like it or not." She holds her finger up to stop Xander when his mouth automatically opens to argue, "Another thing that's going to change, heck that should have never started is that I'm the Slayer, you don't get to fight me when I make decisions that have to do with being the Slayer. Actually, you don't get to fight me about my decisions in general, Slayer-wise or personal-wise. I love you and I'll hear your opinions and suggestions but that's all it's going to be, as the one girl in all the world who has to have the burden of saving it every month, and who fault it is if the world were to end, those decisions are mine and mine alone. I wish it wasn't that way but the Powers that be decided it, so who am I to argue?" She shakes her head, "I'm getting off track, what my point is, the first slayer showed me things and it'll change the way I run things around here, this is no longer a democracy, this is a, um… not dictatorship because that just sounds bad but um, you know, I'm the leader and you guys are my trusted advisers but I get the final say."
"Autocracy?" Spike asks
"What's that?" Buffy turns to him.
"A government with one person in absolute power."
"Maybe?"
"Monarchy?" Willow asks. Buffy didn't even realize she, Tara, and Anya had come back into the room.
She turns to Willow, "Does that make me the queen? I like imagining all the pretty dresses but I don't know, It's not like I have a national day where people celebrate me." She waves her hands in negation, "Whatever, we're losing focus again. You all know what I mean… Right?"
Everyone just stares at her for a few seconds, not really knowing how to respond until Giles takes off his glasses to clean them and clears his throat as he does, "Yes, I think we all quite understand what you mean, Buffy. And I must admit, you have a point. I do hope you understand our hesitance regarding Spike though, this is a lot to take in."
She smiles softly at her father figure in thanks, "I do, and I promise I will talk to you about it, just not tonight. In fact, I think it'd be best to call it a night and continue this in the morning, uhh afternoon. Giles, I'll call you in the morning because I have a few questions I need to ask you."
It's clear that both the men have more to say, and Willow looks like she does too but they all know a dismissal when they hear one so everyone starts making their way to the front door. Both Giles and Xander give Spike looks that makes it clear they think that the vampire should be leaving too but with one look at Buffy's resolve face they say nothing other than a quick goodbye before they leave. It's quiet for about five seconds after the front door shuts before Spike and Buffy look at the stairs where a loud happy squeal is coming from.
"Wow Buffy, I'm so proud of you! You really put them in their place, and you stood up for Spike, I never thought you'd actually open your eyes and see how awesome he is and how he's not evil anymore."
"Oi, bit! Still evil, alright? Just… not active currently."
Dawn rolls her eyes and flips her hair with all the attitude of a teenager, "Whatever, like I believe that. You're not fooling anyone." She says as she walks down the stairs, grabs the bag of blood Giles left, and goes to the kitchen.
"She's gonna ruin what little reputation I have left." He grumbles under his breath just loud enough for Buffy to hear.
"I think you did that yourself when you fell in love with the Slayer."
Spike freezes in the way only a vampire can, there's no heartbeat to make his blood flow and stops breathing so he's as still as a statue, "So you're admitting I can actually love now, even without the soul?"
Did she? Yeah, she totally did just admit that, did she believe it though, after a few seconds of thought, she knew she did believe it. She didn't know if she just left Egypt after watching how much he loved Drusilla, or if it was because of the possible future visions the first slayer showed her but some time during the vision quest Buffy accepted that Spike could love, more than that, she accepted that he does love her.
She walks over to where he's still sitting on her couch, sits on their coffee table in front of him, and grabs his hands again. "Yeah, I am. It's part of the things I want to talk to you about. It's something that doesn't need an audience though, and your number one fan in there will be back here in a second after the blood she's warming up for you is done. Convince her you're alright so that she can go to bed, and then we'll talk, okay?"
The way he's looking at her right now makes her feel like she's the only girl in the world, the only one that matters to him, anyway. It makes her feel bad, actually, how bad has he been treated in life that doing something so small as talking to him like an equal makes him look at her like that? She doesn't know but if she has any say in the matter, he's going to be treated better from here on out.
"Will do, luv"
"Spike, you're already looking so much better. I thought you were exaggerating when you said vampires heal fast but damn, you haven't even had any blood yet!"
Buffy feels a blush coming over her cheeks thinking back to why Spike is already looking so much better but she's able to cover her embarrassment with anger, "Dawn, language!"
"Whatever, I'm just happy Spike is okay, excuse me for getting a little excited."
Buffy rolls her eyes, "Yeah, yeah, just get yourself to bed, excited girl."
Dawn's excitement vanishes and Buffy can see worry and a little defiance in her eyes. "You're letting Spike stay here tonight, right? He might be looking better but I still don't think it's a good idea for him to go back to the crypt, that's where Glory's weird minions thingies captured him today, after all."
"Yes, Dawn, Spike is staying the night. It's good that he's here, really. I feel safe having another fighter here in case she decides to come after someone else who's close to me tonight." Buffy didn't mention that there was a chance Spike would be spending a lot more time at their house in the future.
Dawn's worry evaporates and a smile covers her face. "Good! We can have a slumber party!"
"No, Dawnie, it's time for bed, Spike needs some rest and so do you."
Dawn rolls her eyes, "Duh, I know that. I'm talking about a vampire slumber party. Their slumber parties take place during the day because, duh, vampires. We stay in pajamas all day, pull all the curtains so it's dark inside and we can watch movies and veg out all day!"
Spike tries to look annoyed at the suggestion but Dawn thinks she knows Spike well enough by now to know it's all fake, "Vampire here, bit, I don't partake in sodding teeny bopper slumber parties… But since I'm gonna be here all day and it's your house and all, can't rightly say anything if you come in here in the morning, turn on some movies, and bring some munchies, as long as I'm the one that makes the cocoa, you're a bloody menace at it."
Dawn's smile widens, "Works for me! Alright, goodnight guys, don't stay up too late, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Dawn winks at Buffy on the way upstairs and Buffy somehow manages not to roll her eyes, Dawn has been pushing her to give Spike a chance for a while, and she probably thinks that Buffy being nice to Spike means that Buffy is finally listening to Dawn's advice.
Now that they were alone, Buffy wasn't too sure where to start and she could tell that Spike was just as out of his depth, he was looking at anything but her, and he kept reaching in his pocket, taking his cigarettes out, shaking his head remembering that he can't smoke inside, and putting them back. She sighs, she feels like she's sighed a lot tonight. Ugh, Buffy and words are so of the unmixey. She wasn't sure what she felt about everything she learned today, was it really just earlier today that she went on the quest? It feels like it was a lot longer than that. With that thought it seems like the whole day catches up with her, she's tired and honestly, she decides she needs some time alone to process what she's learned because honestly, she knows she has to talk to Spike but she has no idea what to say. She knows she's been just staring at Spike for too long while thinking when he is so uncomfortable he tries to stand up but falls back to the couch with a groan. It snaps Buffy back to reality and she stands up and puts her hands on his shoulders to keep him down. She realizes that she has to stop overthinking and just say something already.
"Okay, so obviously I'm acting a lot different than I was yesterday and that's probably of the confusing for you."
"You can bloody well say that again."
"Okay, can you not with the interruptions? I have a lot to say and I don't even know what it's going to be until I say it. I was starting to get on a roll but your talking messed me up." She says, trying not to let her usual Spike annoyance get in the way. He might be the one she's meant for, he may be in love with her, she might care for him and one day even love him but that didn't mean he wasn't one annoying vampire.
Spike puts his hands up in surrender and then mimes zipping his lips and throwing away the key, promising not to talk again until she's done. She rolls her eyes, she knows better than that and expects a few more interruptions along the way. "Okay, so, honestly, it's a lot but I don't even know what it all is yet, you know? I need some time to think about it before I share it with anyone. Then again, it's about you, about us so maybe I should just talk it through with you? No, some of it I have to figure out myself and you're just going to have to accept that." She takes a deep breath and looks at Spike to see him looking utterly confused, she cringes and sighs again.
"I know I can trust you and I do!" She blurts and sees his confused look turn into a soft smile.
"I'll never do anything to hurt you, Buffy, you and the little bit. You might not like it but you're like family to me."
"Again with the interrupting." She says but gives him a small smile to soften the scolding. Ugh, she has no clue what to say, there's just too much going on in her head to get anything out."I know what happened to your mom." She knows she says the wrong thing when his smile drops from his face and for maybe the first time ever, she can't read his emotions on his face because it's completely blank.
He's quiet so long she's about to continue past it because she doesn't even know why she said it in the first place when he opens his mouth and a flat hard tone comes out. "Yeah? And what is it you think you know?"
Why did she even open her mouth? She's the worst with words and she isn't trying to fight with Spike but she's gone and upset him anyway. She takes a deep breath to calm herself down and when she exhales, she thinks she's ready. "I get it, I let Dawn do the same thing. Well, kinda the same, different magic, same purpose."
That shocks him out of his anger, "What do you mean?"
"She tried to bring Mom back after she died. I don't know how she learned how to but she found out a way to bring Mom back. When I found out, I didn't try to stop her, I was going to let her go through with it but she stopped herself. So I get it, you know, as much as a nonvampire can. I'd have done anything to keep my mom with me too." Buffy notices Spike cringe when she's talking about Dawn finding the right spell and decides she just figured out who helped her but she'll deal with that later.
Spike slumps down and it's like he can't look at Buffy so he just stares at his lap instead, "Just wanted to help her, didn't work o' course, it was the last time I tried to turn anyone."
"What about Ford?"
"Ford? Oh, that stupid sod, bloody pissed me off, he did. Does no one know anything about loyalty nowadays? Gave him to the minions. There was no way in hell I was making him part of the family so Dru wasn't an option, couldn't trust the bloke as far as the nibblet could throw him."
"Oh" Buffy shivers and regrets bringing up this subject, she doesn't want to think about what happened to her one-time friend because of the man in front of her.
Spike knows it's time to change the subject too, "So what else did you learn during this little trip of yours, Slayer? And how the bloody hell did you learn about my mother?"
"Have you ever heard of claims?" She asks, seemingly ignoring his questions.
Spike straightens up then freezes looking at Buffy speculatively, he has no idea where she's going with this but his inner William can't help but hope she's asking because she wants it with him but he knows that's too good to be true. "Yeah, s'pose I do, I heard about it once or twice."
"What do you need to be able to claim someone?" She explains more when she sees his questioning look, "I mean like do you need love? Can anyone claim anyone they want? Or is there like only one person out there in the whole world that you're supposed to be with so that's the only person you can claim?"
"What, no, you don't need any of that to claim someone. Well, that's not rightly true, it depends on the type of claim we're talking bout. I suspect you mean the bonding claim, love might not be strictly necessary but it'd right stupid of someone to enter into a bonding claim with someone that they didn't love, if you ask me. It's forever, more binding than marriage, and as the claim is cementing, you have to stay close to them. That's what I heard, anyway, never been in one myself."
Buffy opens her mouth to tell him everything that she learned today, he has the right to know since a lot of it is about him after all but then something inside her, maybe it's what little self-preservation she has left, or maybe it's the part of her that still follows and believes the Council's rules that tell her not to trust vampires but instead, all that comes out is, "Thanks for the deets, I'm going to hit the hay now, it's been a long night."
She can see the disappointment on his face, he's always so expressive. She can also see that he wants to question her, he wants to fight her and convince her to stay and tell him what she's hiding. He wants to get mad at her for not just telling him and she can also see the want in his eyes, along with the love. It seems that part of him wins out, he eventually sighs and looks at her with a soft look on his face, "Whatever you need, Buffy. I'll be here if you need me."
She has the insane urge to kiss him, it's not often she has someone who is just there for her and doesn't push her. She quickly shoves those urges down deep, she has to focus on going upstairs to think and then hopefully getting a good night's sleep so she can decide with a clear mind what she wants to do without being pressured by anyone. Instead of the kiss, she reaches over and hugs him. It seems she hasn't pushed her urges down as far as she hoped because she kisses his cheek before pulling away. She feels him freeze in shock so she looks at him. She decides that she really should be getting used to this look of awe he has perfected but every time she sees it, it still takes her breath away. She quickly makes her way upstairs before she gives into the now stronger urges to push him down on the couch and make with the smoochies until her sister wakes up.