Chapter 17: emma

"I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control."

James Potter, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly seventeen years in the world with very little to distress or vex him.

And Lily Evans did not fancy him.

She couldn't. She couldn't possibly. Right?

Yes of course, he was positively irritating and obnoxious.

Right?

Yes, of course.

…right?

I mean when was the last time that James had unnerved Lily to the point of vexation?

Easy— not even a week ago. Yes, he was singing on top of his lungs while she was trying to focus on her Transfiguration homework. He had managed to find a fedora for some reason and was proclaiming with his gravest voice, on top of the sofa, wide arm as if acknowledging his large audience— mostly just the Marauders, her and Dorcas.

"Over and over I keep going over the world we knew

Once when you walked beside me"

Thing is, as she now remembered it, and just like it did then, her lips started curling up.

"Must you practice your boy choir so close to my earring, Potter?" she asked, looking up between her (not really) annoyed eyelids.

"When we two were in love" was his singing response.

Dorcas supported. "Yes, may I suggest the Dark Forrest, perhaps? No- Black don't join him—"

But Sirius did join him on top of the little coffee table and, before she knew it, James conjured an umbrella as a prop to enhance the dramatic verses now in a duet.

"Now over and over I keep going over the world we knew

Days when you used to love me"

Remus sat on the armchair with his feet swaying along up on the small bench, as he went through the crosswords of that day's Daily Prophet.

Lily covered her ears looking at the show but, and she mirrored now as she remembered, was smiling at the scene. She remembered how he winked at her and she rolled her eyes.

And then… well then he jumped from the couch, sat next to her in his childlike ways, she reprimanded him, he countered, she challenged him, he pulled the chair closer, put his elbow on the table and his head on his hand, blocking the rest of the world around them and, in between jokes, banter, deep conversation and intelligent remarks, Lily finished her assignment more reassured than if she had done it in the quiet of her solitude and, to be fair, having smiled a much greater deal.

"Ugh!" She complained, scribbling through her parchment and frightening a third year student that was passing by the library corridor looking for a book. She apologized.

"Everything alright?" Someone asked, startling her.

"Remus— hi, yes, everything is perfectly fine." Was her response.

He looked at her funny and she sighed exasperated.

"Just… girl things" she offered awkwardly.

"Mhm"

"Evans! Fancy seeing you here" Sirius joined them, balancing three books on top of his head.

"Me? This is my reign, Black, fancy seeing you here, that's what you mean."

"Yeah sure but, you know—" he was looking up and had to adjust his neck quickly as Remus added another book on top of his friend's head unceremoniously. "Ah! Saved. Anyway I meant fancy seeing you here Evans like, right now, this moment."

"Why?" She asked, standing on her chair, having gotten a book herself to add to the pile of the gymnast.

"'Cause Padfoot said he was meeting you like, twenty minutes ago."

She gasped loudly, dropping the book in a thud on top of the boy's head, making him loose his balance.

"Bloody hell Evans!" he argued as the books fell down.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry" she offered mindlessly, quickly dropping off her chair and gathering her things. "I just— I forgot!"

With all the efforts put into thinking or, not thinking of James and her possible or not impossible feelings, she completely forgot that they had agreed to meet to help her out with her Patronus.

"Lily," Remus called and she was forced to look up, mid-gathering her books. "You sure you're alright?"

A heartbeat pause.

"Yeah." She offered weakly, gulping terrified he would somehow see through her and understand the turmoil that was going inside her.

He didn't seem convinced but assented.

"I just… feel terrible I mean, he agreed to help me and this is my thanks." She continued her frantic collection, hoping to sound fully sincere.

"Don't stress too much Evans, it's Prongs." Sirius shared, gathering from the floor the books that had fallen from his head. "You could run him over with a bombarda and he would still find a way to deny that you actually aimed at him."

Remus nudged the latter to signal him to keep quiet.

"What?" the marauder asked but then turn to look at Lily who was staring wide eyed as if finally, all the years of sneaky comments just like these, had caught up.

"Er…" he mumbled but she interrupted.

"I have to go"

And without looking at either of them any more, she turned around, still with half her things held in her arms instead of her bag, and was off. The two marauders exchanged a look before Remus saw her go, with an inkling that perhaps the times, they are a-changin'.

Lily was running towards the same room they had fought a few weeks prior. Her mind was a complete swirl, jumping, between each running step, from a memory to another. From something he said, to his smile, to a comment from a friend, from one of the marauders, even from Severus' voice.

You're really that desperate that you just throw all your morals away to not feel so lonely?

She was running faster than advised in a school, as if running away from something and not towards.

In the end, he kept confusing us, me and you… so I had to play both. I had to play both of us, for dad… because you were none.

Her sisters voice echoed and her steps got wider. Faster.

It's always gonna be there, you know? You and me…

Just like it did then, it caught her breath. And in the turmoil of speed both in her mind and in her feet, she turned right to collide directly with a human form pillar.

"James!"

"What the—"

Lily's ballet from ages seven to ten did not help in this occasion who, literally, running into James Potter, looked like a toddler who missed the glass of a large window and smacking it head first, looses balance and falls back, slowly at first and then all at once. Luckily, possibly by years of playing Quidditch, James had good reflexes— definitely better than Lily's at least, and, in the slowly part, was able to wrap his arm around her. But, taking another step in a weird way, looses balance and falls with her, being however able to switch positions and getting the worst out of it.

"Oh— my god!"

"Evans what the bloody hell—"

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!"

She was repeating fast, on top of him, trying to detangle just as fast, by getting a knee right in the middle of his legs-

"Evans for fucks' sake stop, stop, sTOP!"

She gasped understanding and he grabbed the back of her tight with his free hand and brought it up, so that she was, quite literally, straddling him.

"Let us just— have a breath here, alright? Don't- just, don't move" he said, closing his eyes to gather his surroundings.

She nodded quickly, shutting her mouth close with wide eyes opened starring at him, feeling awful.

He breathed in deep and finally opened an eye, looking down at her between eyelashes.

"You alright?" he asked now in a comforting tone.

And she wanted to cry. She nodded fast with, she imagined, the ugly face her sister always pointed out whenever she was trying to fight her tears.

"Hey" he called, reluctantly letting go of her back (but not of her leg), resting the weight of his back on his elbows, getting into a more seated position. "What's wrong?"

She mirrored him and sat down, gently, still on top of him. She shook her head, not looking at him and choosing instead her hands. "Nothing, I… I'm so sorry I'm so late, I just—"

She started still erratic but he put his free hand on her cheek, bringing her attention to him, calming her down with a brush of his thumb on her skin. He was looking at her with concern and warmth and… he was so beautiful.

She wanted to kiss him.

"I'm sorry, I…" she closed her eyes and softly shook her head. "It's just been a weird couple of days I guess… the whole year to be honest." And she chuckled but more to mask the pain. It wasn't a lie - Lily couldn't remember when life hadn't seem just a little bit heavy to carry.

He pressed his lips with care in his eyes and she had to clear her throat. If he'd say even just her name, she was sure to loose it. So she started to get up, flustered.

"Actually, maybe we should give on this whole thing already. I doubt I'll be able to cast anything remotely close to positive feelings." She got off of him and started to gather her things that had fallen on the floor. "Best I can give you is dormant, with just a dash of sarcastic humour. Will that work?"

She saw him get up as well and realized she needed to take a few deep breaths in to steady her body down, as he became his usual double her size.

"I wouldn't give up just yet." He said while picking up one of her books. "I may or may not have a late birthday present to give you that I bet will bring a smile at least."

He gave her book back to her.

"Is it chocolate?" She asked. "Please say it is."

He grinned, putting his hands on his pockets. "Better"

She let out a little excited gasp and started following him to the room. "A book?"

He waited for her on the doorway and repeated "Better."

She passed through him asking, "Lots of books?" before looking around the room for clues.

"It's not books Evans" he said, closing the door behind them.

She looked at him suspicious. "Is it a watch Potter, so I don't ever get late again?"

He laughed and she enjoyed the sound. "Do you want us to play this game forever or should I just tell you?"

She dropped her things with a big smile on and James felt wide for having put it there.

"Alright alright, tell me tell me"

She got closer with her hands opened in front of her.

"Close your eyes" he ordered, hiding his one hand behind his back.

She looked at him suspiciously and he rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to kiss you"

Her eyes widened and she felt her whole face go red. He looked at her curious at her reaction and with his smirk on.

She quickly shut her eyes close probably stronger than necessary and he chuckled. She felt him take his hand behind his back and dropping a piece of card on her hands.

"I knew Mum had friends there so I asked McGonnagall to reach her parents and tell her that, if she wanted to send something to you, she could send it to Mum's friends address and they would send it back to us - untraceable."

She opened her eyes and looked down at her hands. It seemed like a picture but, it was blurry and seemed like blotches of black paint on a white background. But Lily thought she was imagining seeing a little nose.

"It took a bit longer than I was hoping for but, you know, it travelled half the world to get to you."

She turned the card around and read:

This is Emma. We both love and miss you.

Lily turned the card again and was now certain that that was a nose and if that was a nose, then it was followed by a little gaping mouth.

"James, wha-" she couldn't even finish, she was so confused and happy and sad.

"It's a… an ultrasound." He clarified, remembering the name. "Never seen one myself before but mum says it's quite common now in most muggle hospitals."

Lily looked at him incredulous, as if that was the question on her face and not the fact of how did they end up here, alone, together, with James having, again, surprised her in such an intimate and perfect way.

"Oy come on now, I said smile, not cry" James told her, gently brushing the back of his fingers on her cheek again, to clean a tear that Lily had not even noticed had fallen.

She chuckled nervously, wiping her eyes and looking down at the little picture in her hands again. She nibbled her lower lip and ran her shaking fingers nervously over the silhouette of the baby. Her eyes were still watering but she felt herself smile.

Looking up again, she saw James starring with a smile himself. It filled her so much she didn't think twice before taking the two steps it took, jumping to him and wrapping her arms around his neck so tightly and hiding her face in it. Her feet were in the air 'cause, of course, James had caught her just in time to hold her in place, just like she knew he would.

"That's more like it" he said with a bit of struggle in his voice and she giggled, happily. James had never felt warmer.

As if remembering something, she gasped.

"Wait" she whispered, signalling him to drop her down which he did, just not as enthusiastically.

She looked one last time at the picture in her hand and then again at James' eyes that were looking at her curiously. With a soft smile, she squatted to grab her wand from her knee sock and, stepping away from James and turning to the empty room, Lily performed the perfect wand movement while announcing calmly

"Expecto Patronum"

And what before had only been just a shapeless cloud of mist, was now taking a corporal form that Lily could identify well before it completely produced a full body. She was still smiling once her own doe eyes met the ones on the magical guardian.

From James' angle, there was so much pride there that he was breathless for a moment. He wanted to run to Lily, to pick her up and spin her around. He wanted to let her know how happy, how proud he was that she had done this. Not even acknowledging truly the animal that it took form, since he hadn't taken his eyes off of her, but because you would have to be an absolute moron to ignore the significance of this moment, to see how this small victory means that Lily (his Lily, a small voice echoes in his head) now had proof that her efforts to go through the motions of life are being rewarded.

Lily looked back at James and saw an ethereal look on his face and wondered if he knew that everything is him. That his were the eyes she was picturing just as the brightest blue light left the tip of her wand.

Her smile widened at him.

He probably didn't know. But it's OK, after today, she now accepted that she would tell him or, at least make him know.