Prompt: Can you do a fanfic of what if Densi had come their separate ways after the season 9 finale. You can make it really angsty. I'd also like to see Kensi have a moment of realization, regretting she was the one who drove Deeks away cause I always found it unfair that he had to apologize when I've always felt it should have been the other way around!
A/N: I kind of made this after the season 10 premiere, because rewriting things to exclude Mexico felt too involved.
I think both Kensi and Deeks said and did some things that were unfortunate. Though I don't think Deeks ever was trying to give Kensi an ultimatum when he said they shouldn't get married.
Kensi stood in the center of the living room. She'd made it past the front door, finally, but couldn't seem to get past this point. Everywhere she looked, there were little signs of the life she and Deeks shared.
Had once shared, she reminded herself internally.
After they returned from Mexico and Deek was released from the hospital, Kensi had stayed with him to nurse him back to health. Even though they weren't together anymore, she couldn't justify abandoning him to a rehab center, or some stranger. Not after everything they'd been through, all they'd overcome.
The cavern between them had persisted though, and Kensi could never quite find the words she needed to fix things. Then before she knew it, Deeks was well enough to be on his own, and decided to stay with a friend of his. Unable to stay there on her own, with the constant memories, Kensi had temporarily relocated to a hotel.
She drew her finger along the top of the coffee table, leaving behind a streak in the thin layer of dust. It was just another sign of everything that was wrong. Pressing her lips against the tight, painful sensation rising in her throat, Kensi moved on. She didn't get very far; stilled by the sight of a picture frame tucked between some knickknacks.
It contained one of the pictures from their engagement shoot. The pure joy on her and Deeks' faces is such a cruel juxtaposition to the constant ache in her chest.
"Hey."
Kensi spun around at the sound of Deeks voice, tucking the picture against her chest. It had only been a few days since she'd seen him, in passing, but her eyes roved over him like it had been weeks.
"Hey. I didn't realize you were coming today," she said when he didn't say anything else.
He hesitated in the doorway, head dipping for a second before he looked up again, gaze focused beyond her.
"Uh, yeah, I just came to pick up a few more things. I won't be long," he said.
"You don't have to rush," Kensi told him, not even caring that she sounded desperate. "How have you been?"
"I've been, um…" he shook his head, and made rough, sarcastic sound. "It's been hard." He looked as hurt and lost as she felt.
Kensi started towards him before she even fully registered the decision.
"Kensi," Deeks protested softly as she wrapped her arms around him. "This isn't—"
"I miss you," she whispered softly, and he broke off. His remained stiff in her arms for a few more seconds, and then his arms slowly rose to enfold her shoulders, his chin lowering to rest on her head.
"I do too. You don't know how much, Kensi."
"Then we should talk. We can work this out, Deeks."
She felt his chin move against her head, side to side.
"I don't think that's going to happen," he said.
"We're both miserable. I know I made mistakes; I said things I didn't mean, but I was angry and scared, and I definitely don't feel that way now."
"And what about when we have another issue we don't agree about?" He paused briefly. "Are you going to walk away again if you don't like what I say?" It wasn't said maliciously, but Kensi flinched at the reminder.
Deeks eased back slightly, cupping her cheek so he could turn her face to his. She was so used to looking to him for positivity, for the humor in moments of darkness, yet she only found deep sadness in his eyes.
"I never meant to give you an ultimatum that night, Kens," he continued, his thumb brushing along her jaw almost absentmindedly. "And I would never force you to do something you're not ready for. Like leave NCIS." He sucked a shallow breath between his teeth. "Or start a family. But I want those things, Kensi. I want them with you, and I…selfishly, can't live a life where I might lose out on all of that. Or you."
Tears filled her eyes, and this time she did nothing to stop them. She wanted to tell Deeks that she could give him everything that he wanted. Now. It would be so easy, but the words stuck in her throat.
"So, what are you saying?" she croaked out finally.
"I can't—I can't do this anymore," he said, his voice breaking on the last word. His eyes were wet too, a couple tears creasing down the sides of his nose.
"No, please, baby." She held him tighter, as though she could physically keep him with her.
Deeks dipped his head, his nose brushing against hers, his mouth so close. Cupping his cheeks, Kensi tugged his mouth down to her, and kissed him. She expected Deeks to pull away, but instead, he drew her closer, his mouth moving over hers with a desperation that was almost terrifying.
It ended far too soon. Kensi buried her face in Deeks' neck, breathing in his sent, relishing the feel of his skin and beard against her cheek.
Slowly, Deeks encircled her wrists, and gently drawing her hands down. "I love you," he whispered, and Kensi couldn't contain the sob that erupted from her throat.
"I love you, too," she gasped back, clutching at Deeks' shirt for a few more seconds until he pulled out of her arms. He stepped back, fists clenched at his sides.
"Good bye, Kensi."
She watched him turn, walk away, the door closing behind him. Sinking to her knees, Kensi sobbed.
A/N: I hope that was suitably angsty. Honestly made myself cry a little bit writing this.