Pain And Addiction

The silence was deafening as Ajay's eyes squinted at the flash of light that engulfed her body. Now, it was silver and silent, it was silver and cold. In somber resplendence she held onto life that flashed before her eyes. She wanted to be back in her safe warm place; not this cold place that she was currently in. She closed her eyes as she faded in and out of reality and existence. The silence shattered around her like glass breaking from a mirror. When she heard her name, Ajay shook from the cold and fear when she opened her eyes.

Cherisse's voice was condescending as spoke, "You actually want me to believe that someone forced them self on you. Someone from my party? My guests aren't animals." Cherisse laughed, "Since you got home from that band tour you have been dressed like a little whore. You have been acting disrespectful to this family. I am sure you seduced him and asked for it. Just like you seduced that Silva kid and asked for it."

Ajay was beside herself as she heard her mother's words. After a moment she forced her mother's deluded words from her head and shook it off, "I'm leavin'." It took every ounce of her to get the words out and not back down. For years on end she put up with her family and their abuse. She waited for the impact of her mother's hand but to her surprise Cherisse just threw her hands up into the air instead, "Where to this time Ajay? Don't you realize that everything you do reflects poorly on this family?"

Ajay shrugged, "The Frontier Corporation ta help wit da war effort. I'm leavin' here for good." Cherisse laughed, "For good? You're too spoiled to survive in a war or anywhere outside of Olympus for that matter. What are going to do there?" Ajay folded her arms over her chest and tried to keep a calm voice as her mother's words were digging underneath her skin, "Ta help all da people da yuh have been takin' money from. All da people dat yuh have wronged." Ajay knew that it was coming this time and braced herself for the impact.

Heat spread across Ajay's face in the shape of Cherisse's hand. Ajay stared at her mother; she wouldn't give her the satisfaction by crying, "I'm leavin' for good. What yuh guys are doin' be wrong." Cherisse scoffed, "It never bothered you before. In fact you seemed to enjoy all the gowns, the food, the jewelry, the life style." Ajay clenched her fists at her sides, "Yuh profiting off a war and people are dyin'. I didn't know where da money be comin' from. I can't be part of dis life anymore."

Cherisse shrugged and looked down in disgrace at her daughter, "You won't last a week out there. You don't know the first thing about war. Do you think you are going to go play doctor because you have worked on that Silva kid a few times. You aren't even a real doctor and you never will be. You're too spoiled to do anything. Everything has always been handed to you."

Ajay shook her head, "I'm not as sheltered as yuh think I am. And whoever it was dat yuh think I seduced, I didn' fucking seduce dem. He raped me. I'm glad Silva was my first. At least your fucking party guest didn' take dat from mi like yuh have taken everyting else from mi all of mi life." Ajay's bottom lip bled after Cherisse's hand finished striking her again.

Cherisse's tone was angrier than before as she spoke, "How dare you speak to me like that. You really slept with that Silva kid. What is your problem? Why would you sleep with trash? Why would you tell me this? Who else have you slept with you little slut." Ajay stood there as blood poured from her lip and dripped down onto the white carpet below her.

Ajay resisted the urge to punch her own mother, "He's not trash." Cherisse laughed, "Then where is he Ajay? Huh? He slept with you and left. That seems like trash to me." Ajay shook her head because she knew the truth and that wasn't the truth. She knew that Octavio had to get out of here just badly as she needed to. Ajay also knew that it didn't matter what she said to her mother; so she stood there quietly as more blood hit the carpet.

Cherisse was not impressed by the mess that her daughter was leaving on the carpet. "Nothing to say? That's because you know that I am right. You're a slut and liar. You have always have been. Now clean up this mess that you made." Cherisse paused and rolled her eyes, "As usual you get your way and get to stay home. You can't go to the gala tonight looking like this." Ajay watched as Cherisse walked away into another room. Ajay spit blood onto the carpet when her mother was out of sight.

When she got to her room, Ajay began to pack up the things that she needed to take with her. She made sure to pack up a small box that contained every picture of herself and Octavio. She inspected Octavio's butterfly knife that she had confiscated from him years ago. The knife had some strange green liquid encased in the middle of it. She wondered what the liquid was but she wasn't really sure. She shrugged the thought away and shoved the knife in with the pictures.

Ajay stopped packing for a moment when she spotted a long gold dress that had been laid out over a chair for her by her mother. She packed the box up and walked over to the dress. She shook her head as she examined the heavy, beautifully decorated dress. Just another piece of beautiful clothing to hide their family's secrets and all of her scars. She wouldn't be wearing it or any other dress if she had a say in the matter. Purely out of spite, she threw the dress on the floor and spit blood on it. Cherisse could knock the life out her and wouldn't matter because Ajay wouldn't comply with her mother anymore.

She continued to pack what she could, which really wasn't much. She knew that she couldn't bring a lot with her and she didn't want to anyway. Most of everything that she owned was purchased from her parent's war profiteering and she wanted no part in that life anymore. As she cleared out a dresser drawer she found a crimson tiger mask that she had made out of paper mache many years ago. She wondered if Octavio still had the matching jade mask that he had promised to keep forever.

Her hand trembled above the mask before she had the courage to reach down and pick it up. She held the mask in her right hand as the fingers of her left hand ran across the front of it. The bittersweet feeling washed over her body as she examined the mask. It was hard to tell which part of the mask was actually red from paint and which part was actually red from blood. She set the mask inside of her suitcase and continued to clear out drawers. She packed what she needed and threw everything else onto the floor like a child.

Shortly into her packing she was interrupted by the vibration of her phone in her pocket. She pulled her phone out and watched the screen light up with Octavio's name. She hesitantly picked up the phone, "Silva?" She wondered if he was okay because he usually only called if it was an emergency. There was a moment of silence before Octavio actually spoke, "Che? Are you okay?" Ajay nodded, "Yah, whatcha need?" She sat down on the bed as he spoke, "I dunno chica. Last time we spoke you were short with me and we haven't spoken since. It was kind of weird."

Ajay bit her lower lip for a moment and grew anxious as she tried not to think about the last time that they had spoken; which was only a few days ago. The physical and emotional wounds were still very fresh and she didn't want to revisit them ever again if she didn't have to, "Yuh. I was busy Silva." Octavio laughed into the phone, "Yeah? I bet touring with the band has been very busy." He said it almost mockingly to her. Ajay let out a sad sigh, "Yah. Whatcha need Silva?"

He was quiet again before speaking again, "The network is giving me a bigger time slot but I was hoping to see you before I got really busy. I will be in Solace for a while but I will be free tomorrow. Maybe we could hang out if you have time." It was Ajay's turn to be quiet for a moment before responding to him, "I can't Silva." Octavio's voice wasn't playful anymore, "I don't understand Che. You were short with me the other night and you don't ever call me Tavi. Like you have NEVER called me Tavi. Now you don't you want to see me?"

Ajay laid down on her bed and pushed blood from the corner of her mouth. She would be lying to herself and him if she said that she didn't want to see him, because she really did want to see him. Leaving with the band was the best and worst decision that she had ever made but she knew that if she didn't make that decision then they would both still be stuck here on Psamathe, "I'll be goin' ta Angel City tomorrow." Octavio laughed, "Che, why would the band be playing in Angel City? There is a war going on there."

She wrestled with the sheets and wondered if it was even worth getting underneath them, "That's where I'm goin' Silva." Octavio was still laughing at what he thought was a joke that she was playing on him, "To play a gig during the war?" Ajay pulled the sheets up to her shoulders but it wasn't enough because she still felt uncomfortable in her own bed, "Nah. I'm goin' ta help." Octavio was silent again which prompted Ajay to question if he was still on the phone, "Silva?" It took him a moment to answer her, "Like to fight?" She pressed her cheek into her pillow, "Yah. I took a position as a combat medic, but there's opportunity for more."

Octavio was getting upset with her, "Whoa. Have you thought this through? You could get badly hurt or even die." She knew that he would never know how much thought that she put into this decision. She also knew that he would never know that it was her only way out of this shit hole of a planet. If she didn't leave soon she was going to kill herself or her parents were going to kill her. "Yuh Silva. I have thought it through."

Octavio really didn't know what to say so he tried to make conversation just to keep her on the phone with him and maybe try to persuade her to change her mind, "It's war Che. What if something happens? When will I see you again? Why are you being so short with me? Did I do something to piss you off? I mean you usually let me know if I doing something stupid. I don't understand what's going on Che."

He didn't why she was being so short with him and he didn't really understand why he was getting so upset. He knew that he had done some stupid shit in the past but he didn't remember doing anything so stupid lately. At least not anything that would have pissed her off this bad to have made her call him a name that she had never used before and to be so short with him on the phone; not once but twice now. He was getting more antsy that he usually was as he waited for her to answer all of his questions.

Ajay closed her eyes and tried to keep a calm and even tone to her voice, "No clue Silva. I need ta go though. I have ta be up early tomorrow." She wasn't ready to have this particular conversation with him and open up fresh wounds. She didn't want him to look at her any differently. She didn't want him to look at her like how she felt; pathetic. She was already fucked up and she didn't think that he could put up with anymore of her fucked up baggage. She took in a staggered breath as she waited for him to answer.

Octavio was stunned by her words as they stung and forced his heart into the growing pit of his stomach. He felt like he wanted to throw up but he tried to hold everything in. He couldn't understand what was going on with his best friend and why she was making such irrational decisions. He wasted no time to say his goodbyes because she obviously didn't want to speak with him as much as he wanted to speak with her, "Fine Che, bye." Before she could say goodbye the phone went silent and when she looked at the screen it went black.

Ajay set her phone down on the bed and pulled her hoodie over her head as tightly as she could. She tried to pull the covers around her to shield her body from anyone or anything. The covers could never protect her like she once thought that they could. She couldn't believe that she put false hope into stupid blankets and sheets. She really was just a naïve kid like her mother had told her she was; maybe it really was her fault that she was raped in the first place.

She just had to make it through the night and then she would be out of this life for good. Her mind wandered as she tried to fall asleep and escape reality for just a little bit. She squeezed her eyes closed as tight as she could and tried to force herself to sleep. Octavio's name echoed through her ears like he was right next to her but she knew that he wasn't; how could he be?

When her attempts at sleep failed, she clenched her fist and used the side of it to hit her bed out of anger. Warm tears stung her cheeks as they trailed down her face and soaked the inside of her hoodie. Everything finally hit all at once as she laid there in emotional agony. This time after talking to Octavio she was feeling just as bad as she had felt the day that she had been raped. She wanted to tell him everything but she just couldn't manage to find the words. Why would he want to be her friend anymore after what had happened; she was hopeless and broken.

For the past few days she found herself wearing layers of clothing. Even at night she would wear layers of clothing to bed; even though she wouldn't sleep. When she pulled her hoodie over her head she could hide from the world that she no longer wanted to be a part of anymore. She wore her hoodie to bed at night but she wished that it was his body holding her tight. She missed hearing him tell her that she'd be fine; she didn't know if she would ever be fine again. "Silva…" She whispered to herself in between sobs.

Ajay sat up and pushed tears away from her face. She got out of bed and made her way towards her backpack. She made it a point to avoid looking at herself in the mirror as she passed it. She kneeled down and dug around in her backpack until she found a pill bottle filled with pain medication that was prescribed to her from the recent attack. She gripped the bottle tightly as she opened it and that's when her addiction began.

She withdrew a pill and tossed the bottle back into her backpack before she placed the pill into her mouth and swallowed it. She laid down on her side on the floor next to her backpack and pulled her knees up to her chest. Ajay had no one left on Psamathe and she now just pushed away her best friend; her only friend. She hated herself even more than she did before.

She wondered if going to war was even worth it; was her life even worth living anymore? She didn't want to live, she didn't want to die, even so she hoped that he would wait for her on the other side. She could faintly hear Octavio calling her name again but she knew it wasn't real. She sobbed silently as the taste of copper and salt from blood and tears invaded her mouth invaded. "Just sleep. Please just sleep. Just fucking sleep and ever wake up."

**Note to my wonderful readers:

In the first paragraph I left part of a lyric from a song that I like.

"Now, it was silver and silent, it was silver and cold. In somber resplendence she held onto life that flashed before her eyes."

The original quote from the song is, "And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold

You, in somber resplendence, I hold"

The quote is from the song called: Silver and Cold

By the band: AFI

In the 28th paragraph I left part of a lyric from a song that I like.

"She wore her hoodie to bed at night but she wished that it was his body holding her tight. She missed hearing him tell her that she'd be fine again."

The original quote from the song is, "Wear your hoodie to bed at night

Wish your body was holding mine

Miss you telling me I'll be fine"

The quote is from the song called: Feeling So Down

By the band: Flora Cash

In the last paragraph I left part of a lyric from a song that I like.

"She didn't want to live, she didn't want to die, even so she hoped that he would wait for her on the other side."

The original quote from the song is, "I don't wanna live, don't wanna die, even so.

I just hope you'll wait for me, on the other side"

The quote is from the song called: Feeling So Down

By the band: Flora Cash