Author's note: a little story playing in my head since last winter.
CHOICES
It's a cold and snowy day. Squall looks out of the windows of their home in Balamb, as Rinoa waits for the coffee - Timberian roast, the only kind worth drinking, she always says - to brew, and he listens smiling as she talks excitedly about the decorations she saw in a shop and how she'd love them for their house. Yuletide is only a couple of weeks away and she'd like to invite their friends, celebrate together, announce their engagement, and be a family.
His girlfriend - fiancée, he corrects himself - is definitely nesting, he thinks as she pours two cups of coffee and sets them on the table.
And he likes that.
He says maybe they can go see those decorations together later in the afternoon, after work. They can buy something at the deli for dinner and spend the evening decorating if she wants, and Rinoa's smile is so bright that he feels like he wants her to smile like that forever. She kisses him, happily humming over her cup of coffee.
She lets him choose the music for the half-hour journey to Garden - she doesn't like rock music in the morning - as a way to thank him, and he squeezes her knee in appreciation when she slips her hand on his thigh, gently massaging it with her thumb as he drives, Angelo sighing from the back seat. It's nice. It's calm. It's normal.
Rinoa is wishing him a good day, kissing the tip of his nose as he promises lunch together, when the Garden's siren starts loudly sounding. They both turn towards the elevator as Xu runs down the stairs to meet them.
"Commander," she says, saluting him without even catching her breath. "Distress call from Balamb Town."
"What happened?" he asks.
"The old fort," she answers. "The left side of the building collapsed, sir."
Both Squall and Rinoa hold their breaths - the old fort has been surrounded by houses over the years, and if it collapsed on its left side…
"Casualties?" he asks with a low voice.
"Rough estimate is fifty people involved some way or other. Lots of them are still under the rubble, sir. Unfortunately," and she briefly watches Rinoa, "there are injured children too."
"Fuck," he mutters, running his hand through his hair. "We need to get going now. Everyone trained for emergencies needs to be on the field. Prepare as many cars as needed. Balamb Hospital has been alerted already, I presume?"
"Affirmative, sir."
"We'll cure everyone that can't be accepted at Balamb Hospital. Rinoa," he says, squeezing her hand, "I need you in the Infirmary. Please alert dr Kadowaki and get ready. We'll send in the children first."
She nods, and he feels the surge of healing magic she's preparing.
"Xu, I need a combat uniform now. You'll stay here and coordinate the emergency response teams with Quistis. Send out a red alert for all medically trained SeeDs and cadets, they need to be at the Infirmary as soon as possible and refer to dr Kadowaki, Rinoa or Selphie. I'll leave with the first squad."
"Yes, sir," Xu says saluting again, sprinting off to carry out his orders.
Rinoa squeezes his hand to gain his attention, and he turns, caressing her face. "I'm sorry," he says, shaking his head.
She shakes her head, too, slightly massaging his palm with her thumb. "Just be careful, please. Make sure to come back to me in one piece."
"I promise."
"I'll be waiting then." She nods, moving to press her lips to his, just as Xu comes running back with Squall's combat uniform.
"Your squad is ready to go when you are, sir."
"Thanks. Let's go." With a final squeeze to Rinoa's hand, he turns and joins Zell and Irvine, who are waiting for him.
He hastily changes in the back of the car, as Zell and Irvine report what they know and how they probably should proceed once they get on site. He hears the sound of ambulances as they speed through the city gates; he hears the shouts of some woman begging to help her husband when they reach the fort; he takes in the dreary sight of the collapsed building, the damages caused on the surrounding houses, the buzz of activity of people trying to help to the best of their abilities.
The woman grabs his arm. "Commander," she pleads, and looks at him with wide, teary, terrified eyes. He nods, gently disentangling his arm from her fingers and guiding her to a fellow SeeD who'll try to calm her as the rescue squad begins operations. There are already some volunteers digging through the rubble, following faint or strong groans, and following the woman's broad gesture towards a house that got ravaged by the collapsing fort, he starts digging, too. He is already on a kind of auto-pilot - doing what needs to be done, forgetting his own feelings about this until every single person injured is rescued and in the hands of medical personnel.
He follows the groans of a man under the rubble, manages to free his head, and the woman behind him is downright hysterical now. He realizes he must be her husband, and for a fleeting moment he feels sympathetic to her pain - he knows how it feels, to see your loved one injured, in pain, and you're unable to do something to help. He motions for the SeeD with the woman to let her approach. "We need to free his legs," he says, trying to be as considerate of the couple's pain as he can. For a split second, he misses Rinoa by his side, helping him through the daunting task of comforting someone, and immediately after he scolds himself, because it's snowing, it's freezing, there are injured and possibly dead people under the rubble, and he can't think how she'll deal with curing and healing all day.
It started as an ordinary day, it was meant to be an ordinary night of a couple enjoying intimacy and the projects for their future together, and who knows how many couples, families, friends started the day in the same ordinary way, before getting caught in tragedy.
"Please, stay here with him, ok? Hold his hand, talk to him. Follow the doctor's instructions. I need you to distract him as we rescue him. Can you do that for me?" he asks the woman.
She nods frantically. "I'll do anything," she says, her voice trembling, sinking to her knees, not caring about her clothes getting wet with snow, and freezing cold. "Thank you so much, Commander."
He simply nods, and goes back to work, helping the other volunteers to move the rubble and rescue the man. He doesn't stop even when Zell approaches him and squats next to him, to whisper something to his ear. "Commander, we have a problem with communications."
"What about it?"
"It seems we can't use phones because the lines are over-saturated, and those that aren't got cut when the fort collapsed."
"Radio?"
"Can't use that now," answers Zell, shaking his head. "We need to keep that line of communication open, because we can't report to Garden or inform hospitals otherwise."
The man's legs are finally free, the woman is crying with relief and gratefulness, and Squall and Zell watch in silence as the medical personnel pushes the gurney into an ambulance.
"This is bad," says Squall, finally. "I need you to take care of communication lines. Do whatever it takes to keep them up and available. If that means telling people they need to stop using the phone, so be it. Just tell me and I'll speak."
"Yes, Commander." Zell does a brief salute, and when Squall waves his hand, he adds, "Let's wait for a bit. Radios are still working, and people are scared."
"Yeah," says Squall, looking around. "We will try to give them a way to communicate with family and friends and confirm they are ok. We'll work around the problem for as long as we can."
Zell salutes again and turns to carry out his friend's orders, just as Irvine approaches.
"Squall," says the cowboy; he avoids formalities, knowing his friend hates them. "We have gathered the first round of children. Injuries assessment has already been done; we think it would be best to take them to Garden, so that Balamb Hospital can take care of more serious cases. If that's ok with you, we're ready to proceed."
"Who's the designated driver?" asks Squall, grateful for his friend's initiative.
"That would be me, since I'm the one with less healing spells." Squall nods. There is a moment of silence, and then Irvine adds, "Is there something I should tell Rinoa?"
For a moment, Squall imagines his caring, loving, empathic fiancée, dealing with all those scared, injured children, still separated from their parents. He hopes her nurturing, comforting nature will be enough for a few hours, and then he worries, because it will be draining for her, physically and emotionally. "Just tell her I know she'll do great. And that I remember my promise."
He doesn't know how long he's been digging rubble, freeing people, listening to comrades telling him what's happening, and giving out orders. He just knows his hands are now so used to the cold they're almost burning, and he has to keep going because people are relying on him right now, and everyone is having the urgency of rescue operation soldiering them on.
So, when he hears a soft wail coming from a house half-crumbled under the weight of the fort, he doesn't really know how much time has passed. He just knows that wail sounds too suspiciously like a baby's, and he redoubles his efforts until he sees an unconscious woman on a bed and a little bundle moving and crying.
He doesn't lose any time; he yells for someone to give him survival blankets and send the doctors in, and he takes care of the little child as the doctors check the woman. She is rolled hastily out of the house, put into the ambulance, and taken to the hospital, and he is left behind, with a crying child in his arms. He doesn't know how to soothe the baby, and as he looks around he realizes Irvine has not come back yet. This baby cannot stay out in the cold much longer.
"Zell, how much time until Irvine comes back for the next group?" he asks, exiting the room and holding the baby close to his chest, hoping he still has some residual body heat left to warm the little girl.
"He left around ten minutes ago, and we don't have another group ready at the moment… we think we have found all the children. We can try and contact him, but I think he'd need an hour, at the bare minimum," answers Zell.
"We need to get this baby to Garden as soon as possible, Rinoa and Dr. K. will know how to deal with her!"
They look around again.
"Maybe we could try and send her to the hospital?" wonders Zell.
"Don't think so. They are swamped with more serious injuries. We are dealing with the children and whatever the hospital can't take," mumbles Squall. Then, he shakes his head. "I'm going to take her to Garden myself," he announces, finally. "Take charge until I come back. I'll take the first free car I can find."
"There is only the one we came in! Not exactly suitable for a baby," counters Zell, but Squall is shaking his head, again.
"Do you have a better idea?" The martial artist shakes his head. "Then it's settled. I'll go, leave the baby in Rinoa's care, and come back."
Zell barely has time to salute before Squall grabs a fellow SeeD's arm and asks him to drive him back to Garden. He shakes his head, thinking that his friend has always been inclined to do reckless things to save children, since that day, in Timber, when he jumped in front of a train to save a boy so terrified he couldn't run away.
Meanwhile, Squall keeps the baby close to his chest, hoping it's enough to keep her warm, and wishing the journey back wasn't so long. He keeps watching the little girl for some telltale signs of hypothermia; it seems she has been lucky enough to be protected by her unconscious mother. That thought gives a little squeeze to his heart - there was only the woman, and who knows if this girl has a father, and if he was injured in the fort's collapse. He truly hopes the woman will make it, and no children will be left orphans after this tragedy.
As soon as the car stops inside Garden's premises, he jumps down from the back and walks as fast as he can towards the Infirmary. The buzz of activity though Garden is different than the one in Balamb, but that doesn't mean it's less intense; cadets are running to and from the Infirmary with supplies, some others are moving large packs destined for outsiders' accommodations, and Quistis' voice regularly booms through the intercom to give out orders and direct operations. It seems everything is going smoothly, at least over here, so he rushes to the infirmary just as Irvine is coming out.
"Squall! What happened?!"
"Found a baby with her unconscious mother. We couldn't wait for you to come back and I decided to take matters into my own hands."
Irvine holds the door of the Infirmary open for his Commander, who calls for Rinoa as soon as he is inside. Squall's heart squeezes again when he sees his fiancée - she looks depleted, there are small dark circles under her eyes already, and he can't be near her to let her share some of her fatigue, or absorb some of his energy, or let her know she has nothing to worry about regarding him. "We found this baby," he says, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling in his chest. "I brought her here immediately, I… honestly I didn't know what to do."
Rinoa springs into action. She looks as if she wants to touch his face and make sure he's ok, but her attention is instead diverted to the baby. She takes the little girl from Squall's arms with a gentleness that gives another little squeeze to his heart. "She's scared," she whispers, rocking her slightly as she moves around the Infirmary to prepare a bottle of milk and look for dry and warm baby clothes. "And she's probably cold, but I think she'll be ok. You did well wrapping her in the blanket. I'll change her and feed her. What happened to her parents?"
Squall sighs, following her and watching as she settles the baby on a changing table inside the Infirmary's nursery. He leans against the doorframe as she starts taking off the baby's clothes. "Can't say for sure. There was no sign of a father in the house. The mother was unconscious on the bed next to her. She was taken to Balamb Hospital."
He watches for a few, silent moments as she checks the baby for injuries, sighing in relief when she finds none. She then slips a pacifier between the little girl's lips, cooing some soothing words at her, and Squall battles again with the unsettling feeling in his chest. The hope that this girl won't become an orphan mixes with something else, something deeper, something infinitely scarier; he feels protective of the baby, of his fiancée taking care of her, and a traitorous feeling of longing springs into him, confusing him even more.
"Where's Doctor K?" he asks, trying to push that feeling aside. After all, there's no time for that.
"In the basement with Xu, to assess supplies. She should be coming back any second." She finishes dressing the baby and wraps her again in a blanket. "Can you help me until she comes back, please? Could you put the baby's clothes into that bag? I guess there's no way to know what's her name, right?"
Squall shakes his head, doing as she asked. "Zell stayed in Balamb. They are making a list of those injured and those still missing. I think I may find out something when I go back."
Rinoa nods, still rocking the baby in one arm while she prepares some milk with the other hand. She raises her eyes to look at him. "You ok?"
"Gotta keep going on," he answers, shrugging. "You?"
"Gotta keep going on," she repeats, with a small smile.
He can't help himself, and he approaches her slowly, sliding the back of his fingers against her cheek. She feels unbearably warm, but she leans against his touch, without taking her eyes off of him.
"Zell told me they think they already found all the children," he says, and she turns away, slightly, to check the milk she's preparing.
"We still have space and supplies, so feel free to send us the minor cases. We can help," she says, moving the baby in her arms. He suddenly realizes how they must look, and the feeling of longing and protectiveness is even stronger, now, as they are so close. "Can you please take that bracelet and write down the number you can see on the registry?" she says, and he has a hard time taking his eyes off of her. She looks so maternal. So beautiful. So… something he may come to want, and something he may have, if only he wasn't so scared.
As he writes the number on the bracelet, Rinoa takes the milk bottle and settles down in one of the chairs, trying to feed the girl. The baby latches hungrily on the bottle's dummy and Rinoa smiles, raising her eyes to Squall again.
"What's wrong?" she asks, when she sees his expression.
"Nothing," he answers hastily, and then he squats next to her to close the bracelet around the baby's wrist. "It's just… you know what to do. It's… incredible."
"It's kinda my job," she says, moving a lock of his hair from his face.
"I never saw you do it, so… yeah."
"Mh," she says, and lets the subject drop. He may be more open to her, but he is still sometimes closed, his feelings are sometimes still jumbled, and he still has a hard time expressing himself, as if he doesn't know the right words for the things he feels. There are times she knows she can't hold him too tight or he feels suffocated, and she respects that. It's part of loving him.
They both watch the baby finish her bottle, and when she's done Rinoa gently moves her against her shoulder, to pat lightly against her back. He is still enchanted, all wrapped into this new feeling blooming inside his chest, when the door opens and Irvine and Dr. Kadowaki enter the room.
"Commander, status in Balamb?" asks the doctor.
Squall drags his eyes away from Rinoa and turns to the doctor. "Irvine and Zell have probably found all the missing children," he starts.
"I can confirm that," says Irvine. "We checked with schools' registries. All children are rescued."
"Zell is still in Balamb and making a list of the citizens who are still missing" continues Squall. "Balamb Hospital may reach a critical point soon, though. We have sent there a couple of dozen SeeDs with healing abilities, but I think it'll become too draining for them too." He rubs his forehead. "We may have to send someone here, too."
"Go ahead, Squall. We had it easy with the children, there weren't many serious injuries. They are scared, of course, but we can handle it. Your girlfriend is particularly gifted with children, too, and her dog helps a lot in calming and distracting them. I think we can deal with some injured citizens and give some respite to Balamb Hospital. Selphie is taking care of the accommodations with Xu, but we can call her back in."
He nods, ignoring the doctor's comment about Rinoa and the children. "Yeah. I'll go back to Balamb with Irvine and try to let you know anything we may find out about the children's parents, especially that one," he says, pointing at the baby Rinoa is still cuddling.
"Please change into a new uniform before going back," says Rinoa, looking at him. "It won't be good for the SeeD Commander to catch pneumonia for wearing wet clothes in the snow."
Squall sighs, looking at Dr. Kadowaki, who just nods, and then at Irvine, who shrugs. "She's right. Trust me, we'll work better in dry clothes. Go change and then we'll leave," says Irvine. "I'll wait for you at the entrance."
"I'm outnumbered," he mumbles, and Dr. Kadowaki pats his back in a mock-sympathetic gesture. "Yeah. Now stop ogling my assistant and do as she said!"
Blushing slightly, Squall steals another look at Rinoa, who's smiling at him. "Make sure to check the radio," he says, more to avoid the awkwardness than for a real need to give the order. "We're having communication issues. I'll try to send you the information you need about these children."
"Yes, you've already said that, Squall," says the doctor with a smile. "Now, go!"
She is sitting down for the first time in three hours, because Dr. Kadowaki has forced her to stop and drink some coffee or she'll be the next patient they have to treat.
So she is warming her hands around her mug, looking out of the window and wondering how Squall is doing out there, when the doctor enters and slowly sits down next to her.
"What's wrong?" Rinoa asks immediately, and the doctor sighs.
"We just got the news that Squall has been hurt," says Kadowaki carefully. "I don't know how much, exactly. The radio communication got cut before they could tell me what happened."
Rinoa almost drops her mug, catching herself just in time, muttering a curse as some coffee spills on her scrubs. "Is it serious?" She shakes her head when Kadowaki opens her mouth. "The truth, Leah. I deserve it."
The doctor sighs again. "They didn't sound too concerned in the radio-comm. They did mention blood loss and lot of pain and the need for immediate care, though. I can't say anything more than this, dear. I'm sorry."
Rinoa shakes her head. "It's ok," she says, squeezing her fingers tight around her mug, as if it's her lifeline now. "I'm sure he tried to downplay it, so I guess they wouldn't tell us the complete truth." She is silent for a long while, moving her thumb to twirl her ring around her finger. "They'll be here soon, right?"
"Estimated time of arrival is twenty minutes from now," says the doctor, choosing not to comment further.
"So they waited until they were midway to contact us," muses aloud Rinoa, doing her best not to fidget. "You think it's a good sign?"
Dr Kadowaki opens her arms. "With the way he looked at you before leaving, I think it wouldn't be past him to wait until he was absolutely certain he needed our help and couldn't avoid contacting us anymore, just so you wouldn't worry."
"His plan sucks then," comments Rinoa, rubbing her forehead with a tired sigh. "They could have used healing magic, right?" she says after a while.
Doctor Kadowaki doesn't answer. They both know that in case of emergency, healing magic is to be used on civilians. The SeeDs have probably depleted their healing magic stash three hours ago.
"So he's basically losing blood since they left Balamb and won't have access to some healing items or magic for the next twenty minutes?" Rinoa scoffs, pushing the coffee mug on the desk. She doesn't feel like putting something in her stomach anymore, and she closes her eyes, trying to rid her mind of all the worst-case scenarios it's conjuring, until Doctor Kadowaki squeezes her shoulder, trying to be comforting.
"They are experienced SeeDs, and Squall managed to come into my office with his forehead cut open with a gunblade, and without passing out until he told me he needed help." The doctor waits until Rinoa opens her eyes again and looks at her. "Now, dear, worrying won't do a thing. Let's prepare everything for their arrival, what do you say? That way we'll be ready for anything."
Rinoa nods, drawing a shaking breath. "He promised he would come back in one piece."
"Well then, you can bet he will, right?"
If there's one thing Squall always does, it's keeping his promises, but even though Rinoa knows it's true, she can't help but worry and work herself in a state of anxiety until the door of the Infirmary slides open, almost half an hour later, and a very reluctant Squall enters the room, followed by his friends.
"Commander," Dr. Kadowaki greets him. "Let's see what you've done this time," she says, and Squall scoffs at her tone.
"It's just a cut," he says. "One Cure will be enough. It's just that we're out of healing magic and items and these two-" and he stops to point accusingly at his two friends "-have made an awful fuss about it."
"Let us decide if it's just a cut, Squall," interjects Rinoa, coming closer and taking the hand he's holding a little too close to his chest.
"The radio comm mentioned loss of blood, Commander. Your friends were right-"
"As usual!" smiles Zell, leaning against the doctor's desk.
"Thank you for your very astute observation, Lieutenant Dincht," says the doctor, in a kind tone that is however followed with a very stern look; she doesn't like being interrupted. "As I was saying, you and Lieutenant Kinneas were very right in assessing the fact that your Commander is apparently too stubborn to acknowledge when a cut isn't just a cut."
"This requires stitches, Leah," says Rinoa after examining Squall's injury. "The cut is very deep, right in the middle of his palm." She gently follows the ragged edge of his cut skin with her fingers. "And it must be cleaned, too, to stop it from festering."
"Can't we just use magic?" says Squall impatiently, as his friends enjoy the show of their stern Commander being ordered around by his girlfriend and the doctor.
"No such luck, dear: we need to keep our stash for injured civilians," says Kadowaki. "We have a couple of serious cases too, and we can't risk depleting our stash on a simple cut, as you said."
"Don't look at me," says Rinoa. "I'm a little too spent, even for a simple Cure."
"A potion?" tries Squall, but both women shake their heads, and he narrows his eyes at his snickering friends.
"Come on Squall, you need to suck it up," says Irvine, leaning casually against the doorframe and crossing his arms on his chest. "It's not like Balamb needs our assistance at the moment. Everyone was found and rescued. It's just rubble to be moved to start reconstruction now. Me and Zell can deal with the distribution of temporary accommodations. We don't need you. Let your competent and pretty girlfriend stitch your hand," he concludes, with a warm smile at Rinoa.
"Are you saying I am not a pretty girl, Lieutenant Kinneas?" asks Kadowaki, crossing her arms and trying her best to look stern.
"Of course not, dear doctor. You're a beautiful lady to me," he jokes, with enough mock gallantry to break the tension in the room and make everyone crack a smile.
"Come with me," says Kadowaki, pointing at Zell and Irvine. "There's warm tea in the other room. You must be freezing! Rinoa, dear, I'm sure you can take care of your boyfriend – no comments, Lieutenant Kinneas!" She turns hastily to look at Irvine, who makes the gesture of zipping his lips closed, with an enormous smile that speaks volumes about the path his mind has followed. Kadowaki nods. "Thank you. Rinoa, dear, please make sure to berate him as much as I would."
"You can count on it," says Rinoa, taking Squall's uninjured hand. Kadowaki, Irvine, and Zell disappear into the back of the Infirmary, and Rinoa pulls Squall into the adjacent exam room, making him sit down. She takes the kit she has prepared with Kadowaki, puts on a pair of gloves, pulls a chair in front of him, and sits down, taking his injured hand in her lap to examine the wound more closely.
"I'm sorry," he says, as Rinoa starts cleaning the wound. He winces when the disinfectant she's using stings, but he says nothing, waiting for her to answer.
Eventually, she sighs. "For what?" she asks, putting down the disinfectant bottle and preparing the suture kit.
"You weren't worried?" he says, softly, tilting his head to search her face, as if he doesn't trust her to tell the truth as she's tending to his wound.
She scoffs. "Of course I was. We just knew you were hurt, losing blood, and didn't have access to healing magic or items. And the communication got cut before we could know how serious your injuries were."
"Injury," he corrects. "It's only this one on my hand."
"Yeah, we didn't know how many wounds you had either," she says, more harshly than she intended to. She sighs, applying a topical anesthetic and rubbing her gloved thumb against the back of his hand as she waits for it to take effect. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to be snappy. I'm just…"
"Tired?" he tries, when she trails off.
"Yeah. Tired." She says nothing else, and concentrates on stitching up his wound. He watches her work in silence, feeling, around the numbness in his skin, her warmth, her gentleness, her tiredness. He feels shamefully selfish when he remembers he asked for some magic, especially because he knows she'd use it, if she wasn't basically drained.
When she's done, she cleans his hand and bandages it, and then keeps it between her own, squeezing just a little. "I'll try and use some magic later tonight," she says. "I'm sorry I can't-"
"Hey, no need to," he interrupts, gently tugging his hand free to caress her cheek. "We can't always rely on magic to heal wounds… and there's no need to with this one, right?"
She shakes her head. "It's not that. I just…" She looks away, keeping his injured hand in hers, in an awkward position neither wants to change.
He doesn't say anything for a while, waiting for her to continue. Then, when it seems she's not going to add anything else, he jokes, "Hey, Dr. K gave you the go-ahead. You can berate me as much as you want. Make her proud."
"I was scared," she whispers finally. "I was scared you were seriously hurt and I'm ashamed because we have children who may lose their parents here and – and I'm so relieved you have only a cut on your hand and-"
"Hey, it's ok," he says when he realizes she's on the verge of tears, pulling her gently in his arms.
"It's not ok," she hisses, putting her hands on his chest and stopping him from hugging her completely. "I hate you so much when you get hurt and downplay it so I don't worry. I hate you," she scoffs, trying to resist him. He is persistent, though, and he manages to slip an arm around her waist and pull her closer to himself, using his uninjured hand to tilt her chin up.
"That's not what you said last night," he whispers, with a small, secretive smile.
"Oh, hush, you," she scoffs, but she blushes, despite herself, and he chuckles, in a way that makes her feel even more flustered. "Seriously, stop-"
Squall plants a delicate kiss on her forehead, on the tip of her nose, on her mouth, and when he looks into her eyes and sees she's not worried, or scared, or angry, he kisses her fully. She pinches him on his side, in retaliation, and then gives a small, surrendering laugh and lets him do as he pleases.
The door of the room hisses open, and Kadowaki clears her throat. "Miss Heartilly," she says, rolling her eyes and opening her arms when her assistant jumps back, almost pushing her boyfriend away. "I think I need to teach you a better way to berate patients. That's not how you should do it. They tend not to listen to you if you kiss them better instead of properly scolding them." She then turns to look at Squall, who at least has the decency to look slightly embarrassed. "And Commander, you should know that could earn you a sexual harassment lawsuit. I think you really should stop ogling and kissing my assistant as soon as I look away."
"But Dr. K, it seems like it's working," he jokes, and then he turns to Rinoa, tilting his head towards the doctor with a small smile. "Should we tell her?"
"Tell me what?" asks Kadowaki, narrowing her eyes.
Rinoa says nothing. She simply smiles, takes off her gloves, and raises her left hand to show her engagement ring.
"Oh, my boy," says the doctor, coming closer to pat him on the back in congratulations. "I didn't think I would have lived to the day you managed to get a woman to put up with you to the point of getting married!" she jokes, and Squall chuckles.
"Yeah. Gotta tie the knot before she realizes she could do so much better than me, right?"
"Damn right," says the doctor with a smile, reaching out to hug her assistant. "I'm so happy for you two. But Rinoa, I don't get it. I've always thought you would be bouncing off the walls in excitement!"
"I'll do, when today's emergency is wrapped up and we can announce it properly," she smiles.
"Ah, I understand. Speaking of today's emergency, I came in to tell you your comrades have gone back to Balamb to coordinate with the hotel owner for temporary accommodations. Irvine said we'll probably have to accept a couple of families here, too. He'll let us know as soon they figure out distribution."
Squall nods. "Thank you, Doc."
"Now, since you just became engaged I'll skip the berating and scolding part. I'm going down to the basement to reassess supplies; tomorrow we'll need to assemble a team for items hunting, Commander. We need to replenish our magic stash. Rinoa, dear, will you be ok here alone?"
"She won't be alone," says Squall. "I can stay here with her, if it's ok with you both."
"Fine for me, as long as you behave in my Infirmary!"
Another fiery blush blooms on Rinoa's cheek, but thankfully, the baby Squall found earlier starts crying. "Seems like that's my cue, Dr. K," says Rinoa, standing up to check on the little girl.
The doctor waves her hand. "Go, go, I'm sure you'll need the practice. I'm coming back in an hour, tops, ok?"
This time, the blush settles on Squall's cheeks, as the cry of the baby, coupled with Dr. Kadowaki's words about Rinoa's practice, brings back to him all the tangled feelings of longing and protectiveness he experienced a few hours later. He just has a few moments for himself; Dr. Kadowaki exits the Infirmary, but Rinoa is coming back with the baby in her arms. Squall swallows, trying once again to ignore the squeeze in his chest.
"How is she?" he asks, watching Rinoa as she prepares some more milk for the baby.
"No hypothermia, thankfully. She's a sweet little kid. I was afraid she would be the most difficult of the children we're taking care of, but it seems like some cuddles are enough to calm her down." She rocks the baby, playing with her hand as she waits for the water to heat up. "Did you find out something about her parents?"
"Irvine told me they found out who they are, but they are both in the hospital. Before we left Balamb for my hand, he was looking for some relatives who could take her in until her parents get better."
"That's good," says Rinoa, giving him a warm smile. "I bet such a cuddly kid needs something more than an Infirmary assistant who takes care of her for a day," she comments, handing him the baby bottle so he can screw its lid on.
"You're not just an Infirmary assistant," he comments, giving the bottle back to her. He watches as the baby latches onto the bottle's dummy. "You are a capable and competent healer. Dr. K wouldn't leave the Infirmary to you if you weren't," he observes.
Rinoa shrugs, moving her eyes to the baby. "Maybe," she says, non-committal.
He would like to tell her she's the best this baby could get. He would like to tell her that she is much more than competent, much more than capable; she is nurturing, and caring, and attentive, and affectionate, and she looks so at ease and secure in what she's doing, so beautiful with a baby in her arms, so much so that he feels some kind of new desire punching him straight in the gut. So much so that maybe, just maybe, he's starting to think that he would like to see her like this, every day, and he is so sorry that he's just so insecure and scared of the idea of having a family of their own. And he is also sorry that all these new feelings are making him so confused that he can't even comfort her out of the hint of self-deprecation he has just heard.
He opens his mouth to tell something, when Xu's voice booms through the intercom. "Commander Leonhart to the bridge, please! Repeat, Commander Leonhart to the bridge."
"I'm sorry," he mutters. "We can talk about it later tonight, maybe?"
"Oh, it's ok," she says, shaking her head, and putting down the empty baby bottle on the table. It's just that…" She falls silent, and it's almost like she's looking for the right words, and then she settles on, "It was a rough day."
"You can say that again," comments Dr. Kadowaki, coming back in. "Seems I'm on a roll today, I keep interrupting you two. I'm sorry, Squall. All the SeeDs have come back from Balamb. Reports could probably wait, but Irvine and Zell have confirmed three families need to be accommodated in Garden. Xu is waiting for you to define the details."
Squall nods, looking again at Rinoa, who is still holding the baby. He comes closer to her and before thinking about what he's about to do, he slips his index finger into the baby's fist. The girl looks at him, gives him a toothless smile and squeezes his finger with impressive strength. His fiancée looks at him with a curious smile, and he doesn't have the time to overanalyze what he's feeling – Dr. Kadowaki clears her throat behind him, and he pulls back his finger from the baby's hand.
"I'll come back as soon as I'm done with Xu, and then we could go home, what do you think?"
"We should-" starts Rinoa, but Kadowaki interrupts her.
"You both go home and rest. Tomorrow will be another long day. The night shift is already covered. And this is not up for debate, Miss Heartilly!"
"Well, then," says Rinoa, moving the baby against her shoulder. "I just want to wait until they find some relatives for this little girl. This is not up for debate either, Dr. K."
Kadowaki looks at Squall, narrowing her eyes at the way he has touched the baby in Rinoa's arms, at the way he is looking at her. Seems like her boy is ruminating about something, and it's not wedding plans. Maybe Rinoa will need the practice with the baby more than she thinks.
Squall's jaw settles as he shoots her a calculating gaze, and she gives him back a defiant look. It almost seems like she wants to say something, maybe tease him a little, but then his face softens, his eyes are vulnerable, and she decides it's ok to tease him about it later. Yep, her boy is definitely ruminating about something, and her assistant will definitely need some baby practice.
Two hours later, Squall, finally back in his warm and dry everyday clothes, enters the Infirmary to get Rinoa and go home to some much-needed rest and comfort in each other. It has been a long, tiring, emotionally draining day, and he just wants to curl up against his fiancée, cuddle her and let her know he is so proud of her, and that she is an amazing healer and partner.
Rinoa and Dr. Kadowaki are sitting at the desk, with the doctor filling in some paperwork while her assistant watches and adds something every so often. The baby girl is still securely wrapped in her arms. Looks like his fiancée really loves taking care of this baby.
"Ah, Commander. I guess everything has been settled?" asks the doctor, as Rinoa turns to smile at him.
Squall nods. "Yes. Reports can be filled tomorrow, Dr. K. I want you to rest, too. And that's not up for debate. Don't make me pull rank on you."
"Understood, Commander, Sir," says the doctor, with a small laugh.
"I also bring good news," he continues, looking specifically at Rinoa. "We found the girl's aunt and uncle. They live in Dollet and we finally managed to get a hold of them. They are very grateful for the assistance you provided to their niece," he says, a little pointedly. Rinoa accepts the compliment with a gentle blush. "They are coming in with the first available ferry. They should be arriving at Balamb Deck any moment now; I've already sent a car to pick them up and bring them here. We have already prepared a guest apartment for them, so they don't have to worry about accommodation."
"It seems like you two really took to heart this little girl's case," comments Dr. Kadowaki with a teasing smile. "Methinks there's something else going on here."
"We're just glad she is fine," says Squall, a little too hastily, and he turns to look at Rinoa, who's smiling at the baby. "Do you want to wait?"
Rinoa bites her lip.
"Ok," he sighs, and Dr. Kadowaki laughs when she witnesses how these two can understand each other even without words.
"Come on, take a seat," says the doctor. "We were filling in the medical records. Might as well make yourself useful, if you plan on staying here ogling my assistant!"
They are finally in the car, and they both take a moment to lean their heads against the headrest and sigh. Even Angelo flops down on the backseat with a grunt. The stillness and the silence are interrupted only by the noise of the car's heating system, and Squall lets his hand slide on Rinoa's thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. She doesn't say anything, just turns her head to look at him with an exhausted smile.
"I guess our plan for a deli dinner and decorations night got derailed, eh?" he says.
"Yeah, guess so," she replies, moving a lock of his hair away from his face. "It's ok, though. I just want to go home and take care of you."
"You don't have to take care of me," he comments, squeezing her thigh again. "I'm fine. My hand is not even hurting anymore."
"But I was scared," she says, and her voice sounds thinned by tiredness, laced with worry. "I thought you were seriously hurt. I want to cook you something warm and filling because you spent all day out in the cold, under the snow. I want to make sure there are no other injuries. Maybe use some healing magic when my energy is restored a little. And I want to hold you after dinner because we are so lucky to be able to be together this evening, and for a moment I feared I wouldn't be able to, and I can't fathom what those people waiting in the hospital are feeling right now." She closes her eyes, leaning against the hand he brought up to cup her face in a comforting caress.
"Will you let me take care of you, too?" he asks, moving his thumb on her cheek. "No protests," he says, with his best stern, yet tender voice. "You worked a lot, too. You are so spent that even one spell is too much right now. You worked with several injured and scared children and you spent all day taking care of a newborn. Don't even try to tell me you don't need to be taken care of."
She looks like she wants to protest anyway, but then tiredness wins. "Ok. Let's go home."
"Great. Now choose the music."
The drive back home is silent, save for the soft music she has chosen. He feels some kind of tingling on his thigh, where Rinoa's fingers are touching him, slowly massaging his leg, but he doesn't think too much about it, until they get home and, as soon as they enter the door, the cool, refreshing feeling of a Regen washes over him.
He closes the door, takes off his coat, and then makes her turn, squeezing her waist with his hands. "There was no need for that."
"Of course there was," she replies, touching the tip of his nose. "You need a hot shower and you can't do that with that wound. It's just a spell, Squall."
"And you've been trying to cast it since we left Garden," he gently scolds her.
She shrugs. "Just accept I was worried and I wanted to cure you. Now go take that shower while I fix dinner. No complaining!"
He shakes his head with a small smile, then he kisses the tip of her nose and obeys. And when he's under the shower, letting the almost too-hot water chase away the cold that has seeped into his bones, he wonders what did he do to deserve her. She is so caring towards him. So loving. So supporting. So respectful. And what did he give her? Some fear, a vulnerability barely touched, sometimes distance born out of his inability to name his own feelings.
He closes his eyes, barely hearing the noises coming from the kitchen. The warm water cannot disentangle the feelings that are lodged, as messy and confused as they can be, in the middle of his chest. Finding that baby has somehow changed his entire perspective and the kind of longing that has been squeezing his heart ever since is new, mysterious, and unfathomable. He drags his hands on his face, pushing his hair back, stopping with his fingers pressing on the tense muscles of his neck. He replays the way he proposed in his mind – after work, sprawled on their sofa, his belts undone and his shirt opened to his navel, Rinoa's warm hands massaging his stomach to untie the knot of pent-up stress and coiled tension inside of him. She said something about him being a good leader, and how he should stop thinking he is not enough, and he looked at her as if he saw her for the first time. And then he sprang into action before having the time to blink and think no, this wasn't a good idea, giving her the ring in a spontaneous declaration of her importance in his life, bringing tears of joy to her eyes, and then spending the rest of the evening and the night in her arms, listening to her voice as she whispered words of love like a siren's song.
She deserves so much more than a half-assed proposal, even though she swears she loves it because it was spontaneous and unexpected, and he looked like he couldn't wait to ask her. And he doesn't want to follow this confused feeling of longing, at least not until he is not confused anymore. He wants to be sure about what he wants.
Because it could be temporary, he tells himself when he exits the shower and he finds his clothes warmed on the heater, thanks to her. Because he could change his mind, he tells himself while following the scent of stew into the kitchen. Because it was a long, stressful, and emotional day, he tells himself while wrapping his arms around her waist, and maybe that's why he is confused. Rinoa doesn't need to know, yet, and he loves her and respects her too much to give her some delusions of a future he may be too scared to choose, after all.
"It smells delicious," he whispers against her cheek, letting their simple, easy domesticity wrap around him as he starts gently coaxing her into sitting down, let him do something for her, now. The feeling of comfort mixes with her playful teasing, and his longing mellows into something that's not as pulsing tender as it has been all day, and it feels almost steady, now, almost grounded.
And for now, it's enough.
It's when she lays with her head on his chest, gently tapping with her finger following the rhythm of his heart, that he decides this is not temporary. He has longed for something since he saw her with a baby in her arms, and it has been growing in the back of his mind, making him wonder about what-ifs and could-bes, warping into a desire he didn't know he could feel.
And yet, there are still so many things he has to prove. To himself, to her. He laces his fingers with hers, briefly touching the ring he gave her in such a hurried, non-traditional way, and brings her hand to his mouth, to brush his lips against its back. She turns, looking at him with a warm smile. Inside their bed, the world is not cold, snowy, and dangerous anymore. It is warmth and acceptance, and somehow the longing uncoils in his chest, pushing him to do things right, because he loves her, and she is everything that is right in his world, and he wants to give her the utmost joy and happiness. He will wait, for her. He has been waiting ever since he met her, the most precious promise he has ever pledged.
So he turns, pressing his lips on her forehead, playing with the ring on her finger. "I want to take you to Dollet," he whispers, in the dark.
She moves a leg, and her smooth skin brushes against his own, coarse and scarred. "How so?"
"To do something romantic. Propose properly. Last night it was… too rushed," he confesses, and he feels the puff of her breath on his chest, as she laughs.
"It's ok. I loved it because it was like that."
"Still, you deserve everything," he insists, turning to lay on his side so he can press their naked bodies together. "I want to give you candlelights and a fancy dinner and whatever you may want."
"I already have what I want, Squall," she says, stretching to kiss his lips. "And I really don't want to give back my ring!"
He laughs, too. "Just let me do it again. I need to-" He trails off, trying to find the right words for these feelings he feels. "I want to do it again," he says, eventually, and she gives him a warm, understanding smile.
"As long as I get to keep my ring on all the time," she concedes, and he holds her closer.
He smiles, smoothing his hand on the curve of her back. She may not understand why he wants to do it again, but she'll let him do it anyway because this is how she supports him. This is how she always supports him, gently building his self-esteem when his imposter syndrome kicks in, reassuring him about his leading choices when he questions himself, letting him vent when the stress and the pressure are too much, wrapping him in attentive and affectionate gestures, like putting his clothes on the heater so they are warm when he puts them on. And letting him redo his proposal because he wants to give her everything and beyond, even though she thinks there's no need to.
Rinoa never holds him too tight, and for that, he is so, so grateful.
Then, he remembers something.
"You're not just an Infirmary assistant," he whispers. "You are a badass sorceress, an incredible healer, and an amazing fighter when needed. Don't underestimate yourself. You managed to impress Dr. K, and that says a lot about you and what you can accomplish."
Rinoa makes a sound, and he snakes a hand between them to press his finger under her chin and tilt her face up.
"I'm serious, Rinoa. You are competent, efficient, attentive, and caring. I am so proud of what you did today. You should be, too. You are not just an Infirmary assistant. You are so much more."
She blushes, with a small, sheepish laugh. "Thank you."
He holds her closer still. "And you deserve everything, everything and beyond."
"If you keep this up, I think I'll end up believing I'm just this gorgeous being and I will begin fooling myself," she jokes, a little awkwardly. Squall's compliments, so sparse, and so blunt, hit differently – and she can't help but feel kind of giddy.
"You are a gorgeous being and I won't let you think otherwise," he whispers, with a slightly coarse voice, coaxing her legs open with his own, settling his weight upon her.
She laughs, again, a little thrilled. "I thought you were tired?" she asks, wrapping her arms around his neck, as he's already slipping his tongue between her lips.
"Fooled you," he smirks before kissing her fully.
"Yeah," she breathes, as he moves to nibble at her lobe. "Worth it, though."
Outside, on the deck of their honeymoon's boat, the moon shines so white in the sky that it almost looks too bright. Rinoa is sleeping, he believes; around him, the complete silence of the still night could be unnerving, but the gentle crashing of the waves against the boat's hull is soothing.
He thinks, for the first time in his entire life, his mind is blank. The emotions of the day may have something to do with it, but the feeling of not being thinking is so new. He knows it's false – he knows there's no such thing as no thinking. Still, nothing is plaguing his mind, fighting for his immediate attention, and this is new.
Slender arms circle his neck and he raises a hand to caress her wrist. "What are you doing out here?" he asks, and she laughs, moving to sit on his lap.
"Could ask you the same," she counters.
"I asked first, tough."
"True," she admits, but she doesn't answer anyway.
"Also, that's my shirt," he says, and she smiles, shrugging.
"True."
There is a long silence, as they both enjoy each other's warmth, in the cool night air. Then, without giving himself the time to truly think this through, he says, "There's something I think I want to ask you."
"You think?" she asks, almost teasing, but then she realizes he is being serious. "What is it?" Another silence follows, and she lets it linger, waiting for him to sort through his feelings and name them. She feels his fingers play with the hem of the shirt she's wearing, a ghost of a sensation on the skin of her thigh.
"Do you remember that day, when the fort collapsed?" he begins. "The baby I brought to you?"
"Of course," she smiles. "Her parents sent a small gift for the wedding."
"Since that day, I… I've been doing some thinking. Yeah, yeah, I know," he adds, when he realizes she's smirking. "Me thinking is not breaking news. But what I mean is… about us. About that."
She waits for him to elaborate, and when he doesn't, she gently coaxes, "About… the baby, you mean?"
"Yeah," he breathes, his voice so low he has trouble hearing himself. "About… how maybe we could have that, too."
He hears her gasp, and he would usually let her connect the dots and be her usual, comforting self, but he wants to face his feelings, now, what he desires, and what he desperately fears.
"I don't know how not to be a massive failure about that," he begins, with a kind of bitter laugh. "I just know I'd like to have that. And I've been thinking about it all these months, and how I don't want to hurt you, and yet I may hurt you anyway because I'm fucking scared."
She shifts, in his lap, to hold him a little better – not too tight, never too tight, yet just tight enough to make him feel secure. He loves her so much for this.
"But… I've been doing some thinking, and maybe, if you want it too, we could…" He falls silent, shakes his head, and then looks at her. He feels so vulnerable, now, he almost can't continue, but he swallows and keeps pressing. "Dr. K said something, a couple of weeks ago. She told me that you can choose between being one alone or being one with someone else. And she was proud I chose to be one with someone. And she is right. I think she understood, that day, how seeing you with the baby gave me this… this longing I've been feeling."
She is still silent, and it's kind of unnerving, but he also needs to finish this jumbled mess of a confession, and it's ok. She makes him strong enough to deal with it.
"I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared as hell, but I want to choose to be one with you and our own child."
"Yes," she says, in a trembling, watery laugh she breathes against his lips. "And for the record, I'm fucking scared too, but I know you'll make me strong enough to overcome it."
He smiles, in a moment of perfect serenity he didn't think he could have. She stretches to kiss him, and he allows her to, letting his fingers slide under the hem of her – his – shirt to glide on her smooth skin.
"I know what you're doing," she whispers against his lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," she replies, standing up and extending her hand so he can take it. "I think that maybe we could try for a honeymoon baby?"
He is fucking scared, but there is a weird kind of comfort in knowing she is scared, too. And when he lets her pull him back to bed, he knows she will make him strong enough to overcome his fear, too.
Author's note: here comes my customary note about mistakes: please feel free to point them out, if you follow me you know English is my second language so there may be something weird here and there.
I hope this one wasn't too boring; this little plot bunny didn't leave my head so yeah, here it is.
Thanks for reading!