The day isn't over yet and Buffy and Spike still have some things to talk about before beginning their journey together. Enjoy!
Lots of thanks to Splishysplashy and BiggiePanda for beta reading and to MillennialCryBaby for her amazing banner.
They should have been exhausted after the day they'd had. The kind where one collapses into a dreamless sleep in seconds. But somehow, they were still talking quietly under the sheets less than an hour before sunrise.
She blamed him for that. He had always been ridiculously easy to talk to, and the soul only made it easier. She could tell he wasn't just trying to align himself to whatever she believed in anymore. When he would have begrudgingly accepted her priorities and values without the soul - supported them, even - now he wholeheartedly agreed with them. He understood what was important to her, and why she felt that way.
On top of that, opening up to him didn't leave the bitter aftertaste of shame and guilt in her mouth, like before. She wasn't talking to him because he was nothing, but rather because he meant the world to her.
And so they talked, bantered and laughed. For hours.
At first, Buffy had avoided anything too deep and had started by catching him up on everything that had happened since he blew up Sunnydale.
She told him about Wood staying in the hospital for a few days, Rona walking out the previous morning with crutches, then Shannon, Maria and Caridad going back to their families with a promise to keep in touch. The rest of them had settled down at the Hyperion after a medical checkup at Angel's new fancy headquarters. And since when did her ex own a hotel and an entire fucking skyscraper?
"Berks needs to own at least a big thing or two, y'know. B'side his forehead," Spike had snarked.
She had rolled her eyes at that, a secret smile playing on her lips.
Then she told him about Willow, who had apparently received an earful from the Devon Coven for casting such a world changing spell without consulting them first and had seemed weirdly at odds with Kennedy ever since that first night at the hotel. Buffy should probably have reached out to her best friend and been there for her in case she needed someone to talk to, but things had been crazy since their near escape from the Hellmouth, and then Spike being back had been way with the distracting.
"You're not still sore at 'er for last year, are you?" Spike had asked.
"No, I… I don't think so. Things have just been… Different. We don't talk like before. I keep…"
"Slipping away?" He asked quietly, tilting his head to better look at her.
They exchanged a knowing look.
"...Yeah."
Then, he had rolled on his side to face her and made her promise she'd try to reconnect with her best friend if that was something she wanted. And it didn't take her long to realize that it really was…
After that, she told him all about Giles hogging the phone to try and salvage what was left of the Council and its resources. From what she had gathered, he was working in tandem with that woman watcher that came to Sunnydale with the others to evaluate her. Was her name Linda? Lydia? In any case, she had been staying at the Devon Coven for protection with a few potentials after miraculously surviving the explosion in London. The rest of the senior watchers were either dead or missing, along with a good chunk of the organization's money.
She even ended up telling the vampire about Xander revealing to everyone that he was back and on the run after stealing the last thing Anya had given him. Thankfully, the others had been stunned stupid long enough for her to flee to her room with a stolen pizza before she was asked to provide any explanations. Of course, she had told Dawn the truth afterwards, because there was no way she'd let her baby sister believe her newly forgiven best friend had already broken her trust.
Then, the two of them had speculated about what the world would look like with so many slayers in it. Spike seemed to have concerns about upsetting the balance between good and evil and having more of the forces of darkness rising to restore the world's equilibrium with so many Slayers around. She vaguely remembered Giles rambling about Slayers and the balance of things during the first few years with him. She'd have to ask her old watcher about that…
In the end, the conversation eventually moved on to what her own life would look like with so many slayers in the world…
They were both sprawled on their backs as they talked, their sides brushing comfortably against each other. The vampire had a hand casually draped under his nape, while his other arm was spread out on her pillow, cushioning her head.
"I mean… it's weird, you know?" Buffy confessed quietly as she stared at the decrepit ceiling of the room. "Knowing that it doesn't all depend on me anymore. That I can screw up - or just take a break - and the world's not gonna go kaboom, because one of them can just step in."
Spike hummed thoughtfully.
"You're free now. Can have whatever life you want."
And that was the truly unsettling part. After so long without a choice, it was difficult to start prioritizing what she wanted over whatever sacrifices her sacred duty required. It felt wrong. Selfish. Besides, she'd been so busy playing catch up with whatever craziness was happening on the Hellmouth that she hadn't thought about what kind of life she wanted for herself since before the first time she died.
Some part of her wanted to grab her little sister and move far from here as soon as possible. Someplace warm and sunny, where they'd start over and she could find a healthy balance between slaying and living a normal life. Maybe Europe? Dawn would like that.
But another part of her - the slayer part, no doubt - saw all those girls as sisters, and wanted to stay with them, train them, prepare them best she could for whatever they would have to face. That side of her felt responsible for them, for the way their awakening would change their lives - would change the world - and was certain her rightful place was to take an active part in dealing with it.
Giles would definitely be rooting for that last option. He had hinted at it only vaguely so far, but she knew a serious conversation on the matter was coming. She just hoped she'd have a better idea of what future she wanted by the time they'd have that chat.
As she lay there, mentally picturing herself in either scenario to try and figure out which one she liked best, Buffy realized something. The vampire at her side was present either way. No matter what lay ahead, the one thing her subconscious seemed to be certain of was that she wanted him to be a part of her life.
A sudden weight descended on her chest as she remembered their latest conversation on the subject.
"Spike?" she called out abruptly, glancing at him.
"Hmm?" the vampire rumbled, all lazy and nonchalant. But he seemed to notice the anxiety in her expression as soon as their eyes met because he straightened and blinked into focus. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she replied quickly in an attempt to ease the worry on his face. "Just…"
God, how she hated that talking thing. Why couldn't she just climb over him and kiss him senseless until he forgot all about leaving? Turnabout being fair play and all that…
Taking a deep breath, the slayer rolled onto her side and tucked herself against Spike's cool body. His embrace had been comforting earlier that night, helping her find the right words. With any luck, it would have the same effect now.
She closed her eyes and let her whole body go lax as the vampire gently wrapped her in his arms. He rubbed her back in silence for a few minutes, supportive but not pushy, and she truly appreciated that he was waiting her out.
"I'm not sure what kind of life I want yet," she confessed eventually, toying with his shirt. "But whatever I decide," she continued, raising her gaze to him, "I want you to know that there will be room for you in it. That I want you by my side. No matter what this thing between us turns into."
Spike's eyes widened, got all soft and wet, then he lowered his head in an attempt to conceal his emotions. Buffy felt a slight tremor rippling through his chest, and next thing she knew, his soul was masquerading as a heartbeat again. Their eyes met for a second and they chuckled together, him almost embarrassed and her thoroughly charmed.
"You have no idea how much it means to me, Buffy," he told her, voice brimming with emotion.
There was something more, though. She could tell from his tone. Something he was currently too emotional to bring up on his own.
"But?" She prodded.
He sighed, looking tired and defeated, as if he'd been caught in a lie.
"But… again, I'm not sure me staying is the right thing to do, luv. For either of us."
Buffy barely refrained from groaning in exasperation and calling him a moron.
She understood his reasoning to some extent. Especially with how much of an ass Xander had been to him ever since he came back… but it still hurt that he hadn't changed his mind now that he knew how much he meant to her.
Not that it would be the first time she'd be deserted by loved ones claiming it was for her own good… God, seriously, in what bizarro world was that even a thing? Was something wrong with her? Had Spike been talking to Giles? Or Angel? Was that a soul thing?
Nevertheless, it wasn't like him to give up so easily, and she was determined to knock some sense into him. Tonight.
"Why not?" She challenged, the fierce resolve in her tone unmistakable.
Spike averted his gaze, his muscles coiled tight as he braced himself for the discussion he could feel was coming. So she wanted to do this now, did she?
He had half a mind to tell her he'd been a complete pillock and beg her to forget his momentary insanity, but the doubts plaguing him were still there, keeping his perfect happiness just out of reach. Even with the girl he loved treating him as if he belonged with her. Even after she had bared her heart to him.
No matter how hard he'd try, he knew all that rot wouldn't go away until he shared them with her. She was the only one who could annihilate his concerns once and for all.
The vampire drew in a deep breath and relaxed his hold on her, pulling back a bit. He wasn't sure he'd have the will to get to the bottom of things without some distance between them.
Bless her heart, Buffy followed his lead without a word, loosening their embrace just enough to lean her head back on his bicep.
"Figure whatever's next, you'll have enough on your plate without having to worry about a mess of a vamp sleeping in your basement," he explained quietly. His eyes darted to hers for half a second, before landing back on the blanket.
"'sides," he added with a stiff shrug. "I told you before; 'won't be asking for anything, and following you around already feels too much like I am."
Having gotten his soul for her already felt too much like he was too, but there was no way in hell he'd back out on that decision.
His words hung in the air for a tick, only punctuated by heavy silence.
Then Spike stifled an offended gasp when the bloody chit answered his heartfelt confession by flicking his sodding eyebrow.
"Oi! You bloody-"
"You're a dope," she said, cutting short whatever British insult he was about to throw at her.
He huffed, but his indignation melted away as fast as it came when he finally met her eyes and found her smiling up at him in fond exasperation.
"So you keep telling me," the vampire mumbled, his tone halfway between moody and meek. "Care to enlighten this lowly one?"
Buffy pressed her lips together and the hand she had on his hip twitched with the need to pull him closer, but she settled for rubbing soothing circles through the fabric of his shirt. There was nothing like eye contact to drive home a point.
"You won't be following me around if we both decide you should come with, which is why we're talking about this right now," she replied, mentally daring him to refute that logic. "And… and if anyone's asking here, I am. Asking you to stay and give us some time to figure things out."
Also, a basement wasn't exactly what she had in mind when it came to accommodations…
"Buffy, I…" Spike started, suddenly at a loss for words. "I just don't want to make things more difficult for you is all, luv."
After everything the girl had been through, she deserved a nice, uncomplicated life, and the last thing he wanted was for his presence to compromise this for her.
"I heard somewhere that nothing worth having comes easy," she replied, with a smile so soft he couldn't believe it was directed at him. "I think you are."
It took a second for her words to sink in, and when they did, the only thing he could do to not well up again was raise an offended eyebrow.
"Easy?" He quipped in mock outrage.
Buffy let out a startled giggle at that, feeling a sense of relief wash over her. She had expected a heavy and difficult discussion, but instead he was cracking jokes and laughing with her, his eyes twinkling mischievously in the darkness of the room. It made her realize that even if being close to him would make some parts of her life more challenging, it would also make some things easier, like right now, with the talking things out like adults not being so scary anymore.
"Worth having, you dummy," she berated him with an eye roll.
Their laughter died down a moment later, leaving them to smile at each other tenderly.
It didn't last though, and Spike soon gave his head a little shake, before saying, "You might sing a new one when your chums start bitchin' about you trusting the evil creature that hurt you so much. Or when the baby slayers start thinking you've lost your marbles for keeping a dangerous vamp around."
"Please," she retorted, stretching out the word with derision. "You're about as dangerous as me. What matters is that you're not evil anymore." Buffy paused and cupped his cheek to empathize her next words, "You've changed, Spike. And if people are too dumb to understand that after you gave your unlife saving the world, I'm not sure I want them around at all," she finished, with an edge of scorn and bitterness to her voice she barely recognized.
She had let her mouth - or rather, her heart - run ahead of her brain on this one, but now that the concept was crystalizing in her head, she realized she truly meant it. She was done trying to live up to everyone's grand ideals for her. She was done letting the ghosts of her past shame her away from whatever - or whoever - she wanted. This was her life. Her choice. If her friends truly loved her, they would deal.
But as expected, Spike wouldn't have any of that. He gave her a tight lipped smile and gently took her hand from where it was resting on his face.
"You don't mean that, pet. You shouldn't cut ties with anyone 'cause of me, anyway. 'S not right," he said with a little squeeze to her fingers.
In these kinds of moments, it was impossible not to see how much the soul had changed him. He was so selfless and full of love with it, it was no wonder some of that had stayed behind when he'd been turned, all those years ago.
But he was also being stupidly insecure, she assumed because of the whole coming back from the dead thing messing with his head…
"Spike, I'm not even sure the gang will stay together," Buffy replied, ignoring his skeptical raised eyebrow as she said the words. "I mean, Xander was talking about traveling, and Willow seemed intent on exploring her magic, whatever that means. It might just be me and Dawn in the end."
"What if it's not?"
This time, she paused for a moment to consider the question. Objectively, she'd be surprised if bringing back Anya didn't earn him Xander's undying loyalty - after he'd recovered from the shock, that is - and Willow couldn't exactly start throwing stones after pulling a major evil last year. As for the rest, Buffy didn't care much about them. Alright, she kinda cared about Giles, but she was pretty sure he would just go his own way again no matter who she was dating, so she didn't see the point in worrying about him.
"They'd come around," the Slayer assured him.
Spike wasn't so certain, though. If Harris had kept lashing out after he'd saved the bloody world and brought back his bird from the dead, he didn't know what it would take for the little shit to accept him. And the boy wasn't even the worst of it…
He tried to tear his gaze away from hers, but the infuriating chit wouldn't let him, her hand shooting up to cup his cheek again.
"Hey," she called out quietly. She waited until he met her eyes to continue, in a lighter tone, "trust me on this. You may be obnoxious and a dope, but you do grow on people."
Spike snorted out a laugh, the tension that had steadily built up in his body for the past few minutes leaving all at once.
Who was he kidding? If she was willing to try this hard with him, the least he could do was reciprocate with her little friends. Worst case scenario, the demon would get his jollies in reminding her that he'd been right all along and that band of useless wankers she kept around would never change the way soulless him had been willing to.
"Thanks ever so. Makes me feel all warm inside," he snarked, the words dripping with a hint of self-deprecation.
She smiled at that, her expression soft and loving as she looked at him. Christ, he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to this new reality; to her being openly affectionate, and looking at him like... like he was everything. It still felt so much like a dream…
"You'll fit in, Spike," she murmured after a moment, her voice carrying a quiet reassurance. "You'll fit in just fine."
He closed his eyes in surrender, distantly wondering how the bleeding fuck did she know just the right words to say to chase away the last of his doubts. In that moment, he couldn't help but imagine a future where he was accepted and valued by her chums. Where he and Buffy could truly fit together in all the ways his soul and demon were yearning for. His prick twitched violently as said demon provided a lewd and vivid technicolor of its opinion on the matter.
Spike winced and made the bed creak when he shifted his weight nervously. One would have thought a nancy boy soul such as his would have tampered down those kinds of demonic urges, but he was still the same wretched, depraved creature he'd ever been.
"How about you tell me the other reason, now?" The Slayer asked as her hand left his cheek in a gentle caress to linger possessively on his waist.
Spike heaved out a deep sigh, resentful of how well Buffy knew him. How come the chit was rubbish at reading everyone else, but he was an open book to her?
He gathered his courage, ready to jump into the fray. No matter how terrifying baring himself further to the girl he loved would be, he needed to be honest with her right now, else this whole bloody talk was for nothing.
"Part of me feels like the soul's just for show," he told her in a quiet voice, as if admitting to some awful sin. "Demon's still in there, with its urges and its darkness. Don't think it'll ever go away."
He tore his gaze from hers, shame rising in his gut. He had gone and gotten his soul to be somewhat deserving of her, but now that he had it, it felt very much like he'd never be. Not with this evil creature still crawling inside him, corrupting his thoughts and feelings with its own. And the truly twisted thing was that deep down, he didn't think he really wanted it gone.
"Not even sure I really want it to," he confessed miserably.
Christ, and how bloody fucked up was that?
The tense silence that followed seemed to last an eternity, with a side of forever, as Buffy tried to figure out how she felt about that particular revelation. If it had been Angel, the whole notion would have been sick. But in Spike's case… the demon wasn't all bad. Just like she, herself, wasn't all good, despite being the one girl chosen to fight evil and all that.
"I don't think I want it gone either," Buffy murmured thoughtfully.
His eyes widened in surprise and snapped back to hers.
"It's a part of you," she explained with a shrug. "Of who you are. A part of what I love about you."
He shook his head, and Buffy could tell by the horrified glint in his eyes that he was thinking about that moment. Supposedly when the demon in him had shown its true colors and had betrayed her in the worst way imaginable. But the monster inside was also the one who stood strong between death and her little sister countless times. The one whose passion and love had been enough to make her feel more alive than ever at a time where she had felt dead to the world. And more recently, the one who's devotion to her had broken the First's hold on him the instant her blood had touched his lips.
She hadn't wanted his demon gone back when Spike was trying to smother it down to nothing, and she didn't want it gone now either…
They were playing Rummy on his cot while the washing machine was running, when Buffy revealed with a sore pout how Robin had seemed even less enthusiastic at the mention of a second date than she had. Way to feel wanted…
"No big loss, luv," Spike soothed, taking the seven of hearts from the discard pile. "Berk doesn't deserve you, anyway. Clear as day."
She rolled her eyes and snapped irritably, "And you do?"
Buffy internally cringed at her own outburst as she picked a card and discarded another one distractingly. It looked like she was more annoyed at him than she'd thought for turning down patrol again earlier tonight. Thankfully, Spike took it in good humor, snorting as if that was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.
"Hardly," he replied at once, before making a face at the card he'd just picked. "I'm not done cooking, though," he added a few seconds later.
At that, she tore her gaze away from her hand to look at him with a frown.
"Meaning?"
He shrugged, focused on rearranging his cards.
"I'm not done turning into whatever I'm meant to turn into."
"Alright," she said carefully. "And what is that?"
Buffy wasn't sure she liked the idea of him changing even more than he had. He was already so different she barely recognized him most of the time…
Ever since she had rescued him from the First, he had been dodging every single one of her attempts to bring him on patrol, knocked himself over a tombstone on purpose the last time she tried to spar with him, and seemed to brood alone down there whenever he wasn't out getting drunk.
She missed his swagger, dirty smirks and cockiness. She missed fighting with him, watching the delight on his face, the funhe'd have whenever he'd have himself a good brawl.
But right now? He seemed to be slowly turning into a dull, out of place shadow of himself, and she hated that. She was all for him to try and redeem himself for his past, but it shouldn't be at the cost of a part of himself. Even if that part was his demon. It needed to be tapered down, yes, but not slain.
"Something that deserves you," Spike answered quietly, breaking through her musing. Then a muscle twitched in his jaw and he looked up at her, sitting a little taller. "Someonethat deserves you," he corrected, this time with a little more confidence.
Buffy froze at that. She should have known it was all for her. He was killing a part of himself for her… She really needed to have a chat with him about this.
And because they were both so great at communicating, that particular conversation came less than a week later in the form of an exploding shouting match filled with a year's worth of passive-aggressiveness and frustrations in front of the whole damn house…
"We all have some darkness in us," Buffy continued in a quieter voice before he had time to say anything. "The only thing that matters is whether we act on it or not. And right now? You're not."
Spike parted his lips to protest, but thought better of it and met her gaze instead. She had that intense, faithful look she'd had back when she had told him that she believed in him. The one that hacked down every single one of his defenses and made his long-dead heart soar with hope all at the same time.
The vampire heaved out a sigh, relief taking over wariness within him. He would trust her judgment for now, see how things played out. Not like he could rely much on his anyway, what with the soul being extra heavy at the moment and all that.
"Alright then," he replied quietly.
Her face lit up with careful delight, making him feel like a right wanker for allowing his soul's sudden insecurities to have given her such a scare over nothing.
"You'll stay?"
"'Course, luv," he murmured, a reassuring smile tugging at his lips as he finally drew her back to him.
She nestled against his chest readily with a pleased little huff and closed her eyes.
She looked happy, he remarked as he observed her more closely. In a way he'd never seen her be. Not with him, anyway.
Some sort of quiet contentement settled in his chest upon watching her. He still didn't know why he had gotten pulled back to this life, nor what he was meant to be or do, but he wasn't sure it really mattered anymore. Keeping his girl happy and healthy was as good a life purpose as any.
"Was never gonna leave if you didn't want me to," he confessed a moment later, if only to remind the girl he was nothing like her poofter of an ex. "Just wanted to make sure you wouldn't change your mind after you sussed out that me staying wasn't gonna be all daffodils and teddy bears. I am a nasty man, y'know."
Buffy popped an eye open to look at him and tightened her hold on him, a slow grin appearing on her face when he answered in kind.
"Huh huh, I can totally feel the nastiness right now," she teased snidely.
He squinted his eyes, growling at her, and she truly hoped he wasn't being serious, because the only thing it did was make her giggle.
He chuckled along with her, then she felt him drop a light kiss on the top of her head.
"I don't deserve you," he murmured, and Buffy wasn't sure whether this was just him being dramatic, or if he was confessing to yet another stupid reason his soul had cooked up for contemplating leaving her.
In any case, she knew just how to answer that one… "Maybe not. But you're not done cooking."
That gave him pause. He looked at her curiously for a few seconds, no doubts trying to place her answer. When he did he grinned, mumbling something about using his own damn words against him.
If only he knew what he had told her that night had been the inspiration of that whole cookie analogy she had served Angel…
Because back then, she had realized she felt a lot like that too. Like she wasn't done turning into whoever she was meant to be. And seriously, who didn't like cookies? Well in retrospect, if there was one guy on the planet who didn't, she would bet on her brooding ex…
"I'm not either, you know?" She added as an afterthought, meeting his eyes. "But I think we should be ok baking together."
And yeah, she felt like a big hypocrite for saying that to Spike when she had used that exact metaphor to keep Angel away. Especially since the more she thought about it, the less likely it seemed that she'd ever stop growing.
The difference was that she felt like Spike and her were roughly at the same place, and going in the same direction. She had never felt anything like that with Angel.
"I'd like that, pet," Spike murmured, his voice laced with a tentative smile.
She returned it, gazing at him tenderly.
If she looked closely enough, she could see it in him already. Glimpses of the man he was meant to become with the soul. And she loved everything she was seeing so far. Oh, he would drive her insane at times, and their fights would be just as explosive as ever, but that was nothing new. The novelty would be in all the ways they'd have to make out - huh, up.
He just needed to find his place in her world, because there was no question for her that he belonged in it. He had gone from being a remorseless killer to a compassionate and caring man all on his own, already. With the proper love and support, she was certain he would thrive.
"You said baking," Spike purred, his tone hovering between teasing and confused.
Last he checked, raw pieces of meat like himself were cooked on the grill, not lovingly baked like sodding cakes.
"Yeah," she replied softly, her eyelids starting to get heavy with sleep. "'Cause we're cookies."
Spike frowned at her in stunned silence just as she closed her eyes again. Surely one of them was going barmy, because he swore the chit had just compared him to a bloody cookie.
Buffy must have sensed his bafflement though, for she added a second later, "Well, you know, cookie dough. Gooey and delicious and all, but not quite ready to be eaten yet."
Her wacky answer would have had him go rigid with indignation if he wasn't too damn comfortable to move a muscle. Although the fact that all his demon heard was that she found him delicious and wanted to eat him up did manage to stir up some kind of reaction in his pants…
He stayed very still and raised an offended eyebrow when she opened an eye to peek at him.
"What?" She spat, adorably flustered and defensive. "You started it with the crumbs thingy."
He shook his head with a smile and was about to point out her mind was as wonderfully weird as they came, when a voice interrupted him.
"This is very disappointing," stated Anya from a dark corner of the room.
The sudden intrusion startled Buffy, but she smiled agreeably when the former demon walked over to the side of their bed. She owed Anya one, and despite Spike's eye roll and moody mutterings, she knew he felt the same.
"Hey Anya," Buffy greeted. "What's Disappointing?"
"Well, I was hoping to catch some vamp on slayer action and here you two are, talking about baking cookies," the ex demon complained, with the tone of a judgmental parent who expected better from their children. She frowned a second later, looking at the other woman suspiciously. "Is this some sort of obscure sex talk or something?"
Spike turned to his slayer with a suggestive raised eyebrow, a sly grin slowly appearing on his face.
Is it, luv?
Buffy rolled her eyes and playfully shoved his face away with her palm, making him chuckle.
"No it's not," she snapped to the both of them, before turning back to Anya. "What's up?"
The other woman shrugged with a slight pout.
"Xander fell asleep and I'm not tired." She frowned and tilted her head in contemplation. "Actually, maybe ghosts don't sleep."
Spike cursed under his breath and the ex demon aimed a suspicious glare in his direction. "What was that?"
He was about to reply - probably something snappy and rude - but Buffy barreled on before he had a chance to.
"Anya, I… Thank you. For before. With Xander."
That gave the other woman pause, and she focused on Buffy's grateful expression.
She wasn't exactly proud of it now, but Anya had been just like everybody else; she had resented how hard Buffy was trying to give her former lover a second chance. And it wasn't like he had given up being a demon, sacrificing his powers and his best friend in the process, either. The only thing he did was get himself a lousy soul. As if it would make any difference. As if the addition suddenly made him worthy of her forgiveness - and by extension, theirs.
But all that bitterness had evaporated the moment Spike had brought her back to a world where Xander existed. She felt like she owed him, and that from now on, if he and Buffy wanted to give each other orgasms day in and day out, they had every right to do so.
Gratitude was a strange thing to feel.
Almost as strange as being on the receiving end of it, Anya thought, as she sent the other woman a slight nod, before walking through the bed to stand near Buffy's side.
"Well, I hope you'll remember that the next time you feel like running a sword through me. That hurts, you know," the former vengeance demon complained, her tone scolding.
Buffy stiffened and arched a challenging eyebrow. She had hated going after Anya that night, but she'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant taking down a killer. It was her duty. Even if sometimes she could barely stand the moral conundrums it brought her.
The slayer raised her head, her eyes gleaming with a silent warning. "Don't kill anyone and I won't have to."
The two women stared at each other for a few seconds, then the tension fled the room as suddenly as it came when Anya sent the slayer a crooked smile.
"I can do that," she conceded easily. "Anyway, we talked. With Xander. He said he'll try not to be a jerk about it."
Buffy gave a single nod, pressing her lips together to hide her relieved smile while her body relaxed, instinctively burrowing deeper into Spike's embrace.
For now, she knew that was the best they would get from Xander. After so long hating Spike's guts, it would take time for her friend to see the blond vampire as something other than a nuisance. Which was a shame, because they actually had more in common than either of them would be willing to admit, and it sure looked like they both desperately needed a guy to talk to, sometimes.
If they could just pretend to get along for a while, maybe somewhere down the line they'd be able to stop pretending altogether. Maybe even become something resembling friends. Weirder things had happened to them over the years, right?
"I think he's more worried about your safety than bothered at this point," Anya continued conversationally. "Which is ridiculous, you know? You're the Slayer after all. Besides, without the trigger, it's obvious Spike wouldn't hurt a fly."
As expected, that had said vampire bristling in offense. "Oi! You take that back, you sodding bitch!"
Buffy closed her eyes and listened distantly to the two of them snark and bicker the way those moody old people do - which, hey, they actually kinda were.
She soon drifted off, their voices so comforting in their mere presence that it was enough to lull her to sleep despite the insults flying back and forth…
Dawn woke up to a sound she hadn't heard in far too long. Buffy's laughter. She had almost forgotten how carefree and happy her sister could sound when she wasn't carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. She heard another voice murmur something, followed by a light thud, and then another laugh joined in. One she knew almost as well as her sister's. Spike was here, and now they were giggling like a couple of drunk teenagers. Dawn crooked an eye open. Yup, in Buffy's bed, all snuggled up under the covers. The girl smiled. Well, that was definitely better than waking up to Buffy crying into her pillow…
As it turned out, the Slayer was one hell of a light sleeper when it came to her sleeping buddy sneaking out of the bed. He had barely untangled himself from her to go fetch his book when she'd woken up with sleepy eyes, hands reaching out groggily for him.
He'd come back to bed and tried to coax her back to sleep, but she wouldn't have any of it, claiming she'd need to get up soon anyway.
They had been lying on their sides ever since, facing each other and chatting in hushed tones as the first lights of dawn started filtering in around the heavy drapes. They both had an arm around each other, the other nestled between their bodies.
While he spoke, Buffy suddenly winced in disgust and did her best to muffle the laughter that didn't want to die down, even when Spike's story suddenly turned from hilarious to repulsive, then a weird mix of both.
"Ewww, Spike. Disgusting much?" Buffy complained half heartedly, a hint of humor coloring her tone.
Also, did he really have to use his bedroom voice and be all with the cuddlies while talking about exploding demons and getting covered in stinky goo?
"What? Was just tryin' to match your horror story about Harris starting an apocalypse in the loo after burrito night."
"That's not even…" she started, but had to admit that in the grand scheme of things, both stories were equally bad in their own way. "God, we're the worst at pillow talk," Buffy groaned, hiding her face in his shoulder in dismay.
She didn't even remember how they ended up talking about her best friend turning toilets into disaster zones and raining demon entrails, but somehow they did. That was just great. If they kept that up, they wouldn't even need to keep their libido in check anymore. Way to kill the romance…
"Hey," he murmured, shrugging her head off him.
She met his gaze and the infectious playfulness gleaming in his eyes made her smile despite herself.
"Way I see it, you're laughing your head off instead of punching me in the face, so I'd say we're getting better at it." He rumbled with an impish wink.
She chuckled and realized worrying about a lack of libido around Spike really was a non issue. He didn't even need to try, and here she was, body tingling all over and aching for more of him just from his low voice and playful eyes.
Buffy managed to push the lusty thoughts away and reached for his face, stroking his chiseled cheekbones thoughtfully. They sure had come a long way, from her lashing out in pain and him hiding his hurt by acting like a giant asshole.
"You're right," she murmured, her eyes twinkling with mischief as she playfully booped his nose with her own, before adding, "Yay us."
He made that face that he had while watching her down shots last year. Like she was the cutest, most ridiculous person he'd ever seen and he couldn't help loving her just a little bit more for it. It sent butterflies to her stomach and distracted her enough that she barely noticed him leaning back in to nuzzle at her face, teasing but mindful of not crossing any boundaries. Their faces were so close they could feel each other's breath, and she found herself helplessly drawn to him. Then she realized what he was doing. He was asking if she wanted to kiss. Her hand instinctively flew to his hair and she was about to lean in and let her body answer, when her traitorous brain finally kicked back into gear.
With a long, frustrated sigh, she touched her forehead to his instead, before reluctantly pulling away. Oh she wanted to kiss him alright, but she was all too aware one wrong move could easily break his heart without her even meaning to. The worst thing she could do right now was give him false hope with all her crazy mixed signals.
He needed to know what was going on in her head before they took things any further. And the sooner he did, the sooner they could go on with the smoochies.
"Okay. We need to talk." She said without ceremony.
Buffy winced at once and blamed her sharp and snappy tone on Spike's kissage withdrawal, just as the vampire in her arms stiffened and loosened his hold on her.
"No, wait," she blurted out, stopping his arm from slipping away from her waist. "I… Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. It's really nothing bad, I swear. I mean… I guess it depends what you count as bad, well, because-"
"Buffy," he interrupted, effectively rescuing her from the babbling monstrosity that had taken residence in her mouth. "Say your piece, luv. Whatever it is, I can take it."
Realizing he was bracing himself for the worst, she bit her lower lip guiltily and hurriedly explained, "Right, o-okay. So I… I've done some thinking… about us… and I want to know what you think before we start, huh, doing things," she finished lamely, barely refraining not to roll her eyes at herself.
Spike frowned in careful interest. Well, that sounded… promising? The girl was planning on doing things to him then, heh? It almost made up for how much it had smarted to have her pull back from their near kiss a second ago.
"I like what we have right now," she continued, more steadily. "It feels good. It feels… right."
He nodded with a tentative smile and could almost feel his heart hammering against his ribcage in anticipation like a sodding phantom limb.
"It does, pet," he agreed, too dazed to say any more than that.
And just knowing she felt that way too made it feel all the more right, if it was even possible.
"I want to keep this for a while. Stay where we are."
Spike froze at her words, any tiny hope he'd had suddenly turning to ashes.
Right. No doing things, then.
In fact, he had an awful suspicion she was trying to give him the brush off. Or at least establish clear boundaries; no kissing, for one. She loved him and wanted them to stay close, but it sure looked like she also wanted their relationship to stay platonic, presumably because she wasn't in love with him.
"You mean stay friends," he clarified in a weary tone.
Her lips twitched into a slight pout as she thought about it. A moment later, she looked back at him with a bittersweet smile, before replying, "I think we'll never be just friends. I don't know, it sounds way too bland for what we are to each other."
Well, he couldn't agree more, but for the life of him, he had no idea where that left them, and the insufferable chit was taking forever to make her point. His heart was in his throat as he nodded for her to continue, threatening to choke him more with every passing second.
"But…" she added, the hand she had between them reaching for his. "I think I'd like to work on the 'friends' part of our relationship, before anything too serious happens between us. Besides, you're still freshly ensouled and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I don't think either of us is really ready for too much more than what we have right now."
Before anything too serious happens. He blinked. Alright, maybe he was slow tonight (this morning?), but he was confused as hell. Did she want them to get together, or not?
"Buffy, if you don't ever want… I'd rather you tell me now, pet. Told you before, you don't owe me rot."
Watching the mournful, resigned expression on his face as he talked was slowly breaking her heart, and she suddenly remembered why she wasn't one for heart to heart discussions; she majorly sucked at them. Gahh. Even she could tell she wasn't making much sense right now. No wonder Spike was looking like she was about to rip his heart out.
"No. Hey, listen," she said firmly, her fingers digging slightly into his skin as she held him just a little tighter. "This is not me pulling away, okay? Or even saying we can never be more than friends. It's about… figuring out if we can make things work before we go all in with the house-demolishing crazy-hot sex and everything."
Buffy relaxed when he snorted, and finally seeing the joy and hope twinkling in his eyes as he grinned at her unabashedly made her dizzy with relief.
"I… I don't know if that's even gonna work, or if I can love you that way," she confessed quietly, then raised her eyes to meet his, "but I really want to try. Does that sound fair to you?"
Spike huffed in disbelief, hoping it would hide the chuckle - or was it a sob? - that was trying to come out. She hadn't even promised him anything, but just knowing Buffy wanted to give their relationship a shot… It was everything he'd ever wanted and more.
"Does it… Christ, Slayer, it sounds more than fair. It sounds… bloody perfect," he told her, and couldn't help but return the brilliant smile she sent him.
The demon was already moping about the no sex part like a big wanker, mind, but it knew playing the long game would be well worth it, and the soul had more than enough patience and self control for the both of them.
Whether Buffy did, however, was another story. The girl had nearly kissed him a couple of times since he came back already, and that was less than 24 hours ago. Did she really expect him to keep them both in check for however long it took to figure things out?
"Gonna stop tryin' to kiss me, then?" He asked, a hint of tease in his tone.
Buffy immediately tensed up at that, the arm she had around Spike's waist faltering slightly. Of course he had noticed. The fact that he didn't mention it nor teased her endlessly about it was merely one of the new perks from the soul.
She was still looking for the right words to explain herself when he spoke again, rubbing her back soothingly, "Tis not a trick question, luv. Jus' want you to keep in mind I'm just a guy, yeah? Dunno how much longer I'll be able to pull back if you keep going for it."
She nibbled at her lip thoughtfully, her body already starting to melt back against him.
"I… I'd rather you don't. Pull back, I mean. If you don't make a big deal out of it and follow me everywhere asking what it means, that is," she chided, a daring glint in her eyes.
He looked sheepish for a second, but seemed in too good a mood to let the feeling linger.
"Now, I'm shocked you'd think I'd ever do that," he teased with a tentative grin.
She chuckled and pushed at his shoulder so his back was to the mattress, then tucked herself half on top of him. Her hands went up to toy with the baby hair at the base of his neck, and her legs tangled with his. She let out a happy little sigh in perfect sync with him when he held her tight with both arms, then dropped her head on top of his unbeating heart.
They stayed like that for long minutes, savoring the way their bodies fit just right against each other.
"Alright, so you want us to stay where we are," he said after a while, still only half convinced she actually meant spending all their nights curled up together like this. "Does that mean I'll be rooming with you and the bit?"
"I'd like that, if you want to," she replied at once, a smile seeping into her voice, "I'd have a few conditions, though."
Spike's brow furrowed in astonishment, her immediate answer driving home just how serious she was about this. About them.
He grinned to himself, his whole body buzzing with happiness and excitement.
"I guess I don't get to sleep bare arsed?" He teased, tilting his head to hers affectionately.
She chuckled and brought her arms down to a more comfortable position on his chest. "I want you to look after Dawn if I'm not around. And help out with day to day chores and stuff."
"You want me to play house," he remarked evenly.
She raised her head, pinning him with a dead serious gaze. "I want you to be my partner and help me play the responsible parent. Would that be an issue?"
The demon was saying to fuck off - looking after Dawn was one thing, but he was not a sodding house vamp! - while the soul was certain this was the best way to prove to her he was worth the trouble.
"If you say yes to that question, I'm getting up to beat you over the head with Buffy's scythe," Dawn warned from her bed before he could answer her sister.
He barked out a laugh and tilted his head to look at her over Buffy's head. "Can't even lift the damn thing, can you?"
She rolled her eyes with an aggravated teenage expression. "So not the point."
In the meantime, Buffy had recovered from the shock and slipped out of his arms, sitting up next to him.
"Dawn? How long have you been awake?"
"Just woke up."
"Liar," Spike mumbled.
The brat jumped to her feet and hurled a sodding pillow at him. His upper body shot up to avoid the projectile, before leaning on his elbow.
"Oi! That a way to treat your roomie?" He retorted in mock outrage.
They looked at each other for a beat, then Spike grinned, and Dawn grinned right back, finally embracing the absolute giddiness she'd felt ever since she woke up to find her sister and her best friend basically acting like the most obnoxious couple ever.
But the best part was Spike moving in with them. It was gonna be so much fun! She couldn't wait to hear the former big bad that he was whine and grumble as Buffy made him clean the bathroom, wash the dishes and do the laundry.
And she couldn't wait to hang out like they used to and finally get to know the new him a bit better.
Buffy smiled as she watched her sister and her vampire fix up breakfast with practiced ease. It was hard to believe how much good had happened in the span of a single day (definitely not something she was used to) and her heart swelled with gratitude.
She still had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, but Spike was back - hell, Anya was back! - and whatever the future held, they seemed to be on the right track to have a pretty amazing journey together.
The End
I hope you had a good time reading the story! Let me know your thoughts!
I know I hinted at a lot of things that have not been used, but I write agonizingly slowly and I wanted to get this out there while working on the rest as it can easily be read as a standalone. The next story will follow this one directly and will be about getting Anya back and understanding what the hell happened with the amulet.