THIRTEEN
"Good morning!" Shelagh greeted her coworkers when she walked into the breakroom on Monday morning.
"Good morning," Jenny echoed. "Where did you disappear to on Saturday night? I saw you once then it was like you vanished. Didn't you stay very long?"
"You mean you didn't see her leaving with Dr. Turner?" Trixie chimed in with a coy smile.
Jenny gasped. "No! Did you leave with him?"
Blushing slightly, Shelagh confessed, "Yes, we walked out together, but we didn't leave together. Although…he is my boyfriend now."
Trixie cheered, "Yes! I knew it!" while Jenny cooed, "Oh, I'm so happy for you!"
Laughing as her embarrassment grew, Shelagh said, "Thank you. It's…well it's really felt like quite a whirlwind weekend." It truly had been an emotional rollercoaster starting with the hope she felt on Friday after chatting with someone new who seemed very charming, to the horrible low of him making a cruel comment, followed almost immediately by the high of Patrick asking her to be his girlfriend, which was then followed by the slight dip due to her concern of him not wanting a committed relationship to once again ending on a high note when he confirmed they were in one. After all that, she was more than ready for an uneventful holiday week!
"But you're happy, aren't you?" Jenny asked.
"Very. I think I liked Patrick so much I was afraid to even let myself think about it, if that makes sense." Thinking back to all their interactions, Shelagh realized the night she started to have real feelings for Patrick was during the pretend date when they went bowling. Of course, she didn't realize at the time as she'd never really had romantic feelings towards anyone before. To her they just felt like general admiration for his character, but in hindsight they were definitely more romantic than friendly.
Jenny nodded. "Total sense. And this is so nice, because it wasn't as though you just had a crush on him from afar—you've already been spending so much time together."
"Yes, that's my favorite part. We had already talked about me joining them to pick out a Christmas tree and I think we might be doing that this weekend."
Jenny laughed, "Oh my god just move in with him already."
Shelagh felt her gut clench from the shock of such a suggestion. "I can't do that. it's barely been forty-eight hours!"
Jenny hummed knowingly and then said in a sing-song way. "I he'll ask you to move in sooner than later."
"But…I don't know if I want to live with someone before I'm married." In truth she'd never even thought of it as an option as it certainly was not a concept she was familiar with during her youth. She had simply always assumed she would live with roommates until she married and then she and her new husband would move in together. Perhaps, this was another aspect of being a girlfriend she needed to think about.
"Oh, but you have to!" Jenny insisted. "How else are you going to know if they leave the seat up or pee all over the floor?"
"Or making the most disgusting bodily noises," Trixie added.
"Or are slobs that expect you to clean up after them!" Jenny continued.
"He has a cleaning service," Shelagh said dumbly.
"So his mess is being handled by someone else, but that's only one thing. You have to KNOW someone if you're going to commit to marrying them," Jenny said.
"I agree," Trixie added. She was quiet for a moment before asking cautiously, "Are you against living together before marriage because of how you grew up?"
A mirthless laugh escaped her lips. "If I followed the rules I grew up with, I wouldn't have kissed Patrick before I married him, either."
Horror crossed into Trixie's expression, as though Shelagh had described a gruesome murder accompanying the marriage ceremony. "No kissing before marriage! I can't even fathom it!"
Sharing Trixie's distress, Jenny continued with, "That sounds horrendous! You have to know what you're in for. A few years ago, I was with someone—the nicest guy. He was so sweet and polite. He made me dinner and sent me flowers just because. He checked all the right boxes except for one."
"He couldn't make you cum," Trixie concluded as though the answer was obvious, though Shelagh never would have guessed it.
Jenny nodded. "Yes, but worse! He couldn't make himself cum either. He had some sort of...severe performance anxiety or something and could only get off using his hands. Not even my hands! His hands only!"
"Yikes," Trixie commented.
Jenny sighed and folded her arms over her chest as she explained further, "I tried to work with him on it, but he couldn't get past it—and he didn't want to talk to a therapist about it either, so I had to break up with him, which I felt bad about." Turning to Shelagh, she continued, "The point being—don't let that be you! No one says you have to sleep with him tomorrow-"
"But you should—for the accent alone," Trixie interjected. "Imagine that between the sheets," she added as she fanned herself with her left hand.
"Think about it this way," Jenny continued. "You just bought a car recently, right?"
"Yes…" Shelagh confirmed, though she wasn't sure how it was relevant to the current conversation.
"Well, you wouldn't have gone onto the lot and bought the first red car you saw because you like the color. You did research, didn't you?"
"Of course."
"Living with someone is like research for marriage."
Shelagh looked between her colleagues, both of whom seemed to agree on this point strongly and thought briefly back to her car buying research. "Does that mean sex like reading their Kelly Blue Book value?" she asked, only half serious.
Both girls laughed and then Trixie added, "No, but I guess the pre-sex conversation is like that."
"And the STI test."
"Oh yes definitely make him get one of those. He's a doctor; it shouldn't bother him."
"You'd think but one time I went out with this nurse, and he was so arrogant about it." Jenny then began to mock a deeper tone as she said, "I don't have anything; it doesn't burn when I pee." She scoffed and then returned to her normal speaking voice. "Well, that's not the only symptom, jackass, and you'd think he'd know that as a nurse."
Feeling rather weary from the intensity of their discussion, Shelagh leaned her back against the bank of employee lockers and sighed out, "I think I have a lot to learn about being a girlfriend."
Trixie smiled warmly at her. "Don't worry Shelagh – we're here to help!"
"Patrick?"
"Hmm?" he hummed in response to Shelagh's soft tone. They were sitting side-by-side on his couch, their joined hands resting on his thigh while her head rested lightly on his shoulder, which was the position they settled in after Shelagh requested a break from kissing.
If he really thought about it, Patrick probably would have been surprised at just how well he was handling the situation which was objectively usual for someone in their thirties to be in. He couldn't recall the last time he'd encountered a novice kisser; it had probably been well over a decade. Before meeting Shelagh, he probably would have balked at the idea, finding it too weird or uncomfortable, but those thoughts never crossed his mind when it came to her, mostly because of how much he cared for her. Plus, he found her uncertain little expressions to be rather adorable.
All things considered their kissing had not gone terribly. He felt strongly that she suffered mostly from a lack of confidence and a great deal of overthinking, both of which were understandable. He briefly thought back to the first time he tried to make out with a girl. That incident had ended with him inadvertently biting her lip hard enough for it to bleed, which had of course been embarrassing for his fifteen-year-old self. (He also thought it wise not to tell Shelagh this story as he felt it would make her feel even more nervous.) He knew that in time her comfort and confidence would grow, and he didn't mind waiting—or giving her space when she asked for it.
"I was just thinking…perhaps I should explain why—why I am this way. That is, how I got to my mid-twenties without ever being on a date or kissing anyone or…doing anything else."
He gave her hand a squeeze and promised, "You only have to tell me if you're ready."
"I want you to know, because it feels like…I know it's not the same as lying, but I still don't feel right about keeping it from you anymore. I also think it would help you understand why some of this is difficult for me."
"Is it because you had a very religious upbringing?" he asked, as all the facts he knew about her could really lead to no other conclusion.
She nodded. "But it was more than that. It's not something I realized at the time, or even had the knowledge to realize, but watching documentaries over the years had made me realize it may have also been some sort of cult. A very small one, but still…some of the signs were there in hindsight."
"Oh…" Patrick frowned, as that backstory was far more ominous than he had anticipated.
"My father and his brother were part of a group of five men that I knew as our church elders and those elders made all the rules for our small community, that I'd guess had about a hundred people or so. The community was centered around the church, which we went to nearly every day, and farming. The men and women were always separated during church, community functions, and school, what little of it we had. I was only taught to read so I could read the Bible. I was also taught a little bit of math, but I only went to school until I was about ten; then I had to stay home with my mother and learn how to cook and sew…and of course help with the crops."
As such a life was unfathomable to him, Patrick's only comment was to say, "That must have been very difficult."
She gave him a wry smile. "I didn't really know any different. I just sort of…did the best I could to make my parents happy and didn't complain at all until I was sixteen. That's when I overheard my father tell my mother he was going to find me a husband soon. I was terrified. I had never spoken to any boys other than my brothers. I was so conditioned to stay away from men so I didn't lead them to sin that the concept of marriage and bearing children was…" She let her voice drift off as she shook her head. "I…the only time I ever spoke to my father directly was when I went to him asking to wait to get married until I was older, when I felt more ready. He—he slapped me so hard I fell over and told me that I belonged to him, and I would do as he said. I…I remember it was like I entered some sort of trance. I didn't cry or say anything, I just felt very calm as I got up and went into my room. I laid down on my cot and I waited until everyone else was asleep and then I opened a window, climbed out, and walked away knowing I'd never go back."
"My god!" Patrick said, his mind reeling from everything she was saying to him. "Where did you go?"
"My mother and I would sell our produce at a small community market for extra money. The woman that organized the market was always so nice to me. I went to her house, and she helped me make my way to a cousin of hers who lived in Philadelphia and had a charity that worked with young women in need of help. Over the next year, I was able to get legally emancipated from my parents and start working with a tutor. Of course, I was terribly behind, but luckily I was able to earn my GED when I was nineteen."
"Wha…you mean, you hadn't had any proper schooling since you were ten and you were able to earn your GED in just a few years? That's incredible!" He was amazed beyond words at such an accomplishment that he imagined not everyone would be able to manage, especially not in such a short period of time.
She smiled slightly. "You make it sound easy, but it wasn't. It was really hard. And there were huge gaps in my knowledge. I knew almost nothing about American history…that's one of the reasons I started watching documentaries—so I could learn and feel less like an idiot for not knowing who George Washington is."
He nodded, finding her statement rather relatable. "Ah, well I sympathize there as I also had a horrendous time in my one and only American history class during high school."
She looked confused for a moment before her expression brightened with recognition. "Oh right—because you grew up learning British history."
"Yes, though I did know who George Washington was," he said teasingly, nudging his elbow against hers. "So, after you earned your GED, you went to school to be a nurse?"
"Yes. I had several jobs, including babysitting, and I managed to make my way through school and of course as I did all that I was able to have a somewhat more normal experience and learn what it was like to be a normal college student…or, mostly normal." She sighed and scrubbed her fingertips against the fabric of her jeans for a few moments before looking up at him once more.
"I really don't think about that life very much since it's now been over a decade since I've seen or spoken to anyone in my family. For the most part, I can live every day without issues from my past affecting me, but then… then when I encounter something new, some of those old feelings are brought back to life. And it's…it's hard and very frustrating for me because I know—I know—it's ridiculous that girls were not allowed to be educated and that we should never speak to any men who aren't our husbands. I know those were terrible rules and should never have been part of my life at all, but then…then I'll think about what it might be like to have sex and my chest feels kind of tight because my brain is telling me that's a sin and I'll suffer for it."
Patrick's heart ached as he saw the tear fall from her right eye. She turned away from him and so he put his arm around her, trying to comfort her the best he could, though he found himself rather at a loss for how to respond. He could not imagine what such a life had been like for her and how difficult it was to throw herself into what would largely be considered a normal life with almost no guidance. She was incredibly strong and brave for all she had done, and it made his care for her grow exponentially.
"Oh, Shelagh, I'm so sorry that you're still struggling. I want you to know that I knew from the start that intimacy was something you might take a while to be comfortable with and I'm not going to pressure you to have sex when you're not ready."
She sniffed back some tears and said, "I do know that."
"Have you…have you ever spoken to someone about all this? Like a councilor or therapist?"
She nodded. "Yes, during my emancipation process, but I was still so frightened of everything I didn't really talk about anything too personal."
"Maybe it would help to speak with someone again now?"
She nodded and then shrugged. "Maybe. I do…I am slowly getting more comfortable with all this. A few years ago, kissing the way we just did would have been unfathomable but now I… Well, there's just so much I'm trying to figure out. Trixie and Jenny were trying to be helpful, but I felt a bit overwhelmed by their advice."
"Was it about sex?" he asked cautiously.
She nodded. "And living with a boyfriend. They were trying to compare it to shopping for a car."
"What? Oh, you mean 'test drive before you buy?'" he guessed.
She nodded. "Something like that."
"Well, I'm sure they had good intentions, but you can take all of that with a grain of salt. They're not in this relationship, we are and what's most important is that we communicate with each other about how we're feeling and what we may or may not be comfortable with, all right?"
She slipped her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer to him as a means of answering. He held her close, pressing his lips briefly to the side of her head, and holding onto her as long as she wanted. After a few minutes she pulled back and, with a slight blush in her cheeks, confessed, "I really like hugging you."
"I really like hugging you, too," he echoed, his heart warming from the innocence of her statement. Then, he used his thumb to brush away some of the tear tracks on her cheeks and said, "Thank you for telling me about your past; I'm glad you did."
"I'm glad too," she said, and then she leaned her head against his shoulder once more. He tilted his head down so his cheek rested atop hers and they could enjoy the rest of their evening together.