AN: This is the penultimate chapter. I hope you enjoy.
Thank you to everyone who has read this story. It's been a treat to write and I appreciate everyone who reads, kudos, and comments.
P.S. I'm 9 months now, so baby girl could be here any time. I hope she holds out a little while longer so I can finish and post the last chapter.
It rarely happens, but every once in a while, Olivia is actually early to an appointment. She's got coffee in one hand and an outdated People magazine sitting in her lap. She can't believe this magazine is still in print, but it provides a decent distraction while she waits for Dr. Lindstrom to finish up with his current patient.
She's not really sure what they need to discuss today. Dr. Lindstrom likes to have at least three appointments when something big happens with her at work. His reasoning is that it usually takes a few weeks for everything to sink in, and she may need a few sessions to work through it all. Sometimes he's right. Other times, it takes more appointments, and sometimes, like today, she feels the third appointment is unnecessary.
She's held him off as long as she can, but she's had two appointments in the last two weeks to discuss potential BX9 hit on her and having to send Noah to the McCanns. She feels they've covered really all they can about that most recent traumatic event—just add it to the long list—including Noah's reaction and her consideration of what happens next, after she's done with this career.
Olivia flips a page in the magazine before lifting her wrist to look at her watch. Still a few more minutes. Her hand absentmindedly finds the compass at her neck. It's a new tick of sorts; she rubs her thumb over the smooth front a few times before twisting it, dangling it around her finger. The cool metal and cover soothe her in a way she can't quite explain.
Her lips curl and her cheeks pink as she thinks of how Elliot reacted when he saw her wearing it for Nico's baptism. She knew she'd looked great that day, catching the eye of Carisi's cousin. And the photo captured her best angle, with the compass sitting clearly against her chest. But she hadn't expected Elliot to text her back telling her how sexy she was.
Then she'd surprised herself by calling him (and starting what she had started). He'd tried to be intimate with her during their earlier calls, but he had backed off when he realized that she wasn't comfortable then. But that night, she'd been lying in bed, struggling to fall asleep, considering whether to help herself along when Elliot's text had come through, and she couldn't let the opportunity go.
She'd been comfortable the other night, though. And now, afterward, she's been more surprised at how comfortable she still feels. There's no urge to run or hide. No, only the deep desire to snuggle into Elliot's chest and a small tinge of pain at the realization she won't be able to do that for a while still.
"Olivia?" Lindstrom's easy voice rouses her from her thoughts.
"Hey, Doc," she answers, standing from the couch. "Are you ready for me now?"
She watches as a smile spreads across his face.
"I am. Are you ready? You seemed to be a little lost in thought there—anything good?" he asks as he holds the door open for her and gestures for her to take her spot on his couch.
Olivia's cheeks warm as she takes her seat.
"Ah, something like that."
"Let me guess: You were thinking of Elliot?"
"If I hadn't been your patient for so long, I'd think you were a mind reader and about to swindle my paycheck from me."
Dr. Lindstrom chuckles softly. "Not the first time I've been called a mind reader. Recently, we've focused on your work and your relationship with Noah, but we've passed over the fact that Elliot had been in town as well."
"He was," Olivia confirms. She'd mentioned him briefly in her previous two visits, but their focus had been on how she was emotionally handling events at work and responding to Noah's concerns.
"And?" Lindstrom prompts. "Do I need to ask more specific questions, or do you just want to tell me how that went?"
Not quite ready to dive right in, Olivia hedges. "It went well."
Dr. Lindstrom nods and flips through his notepad. "I think you said that his visit was unplanned, that he returned because his daughter had been in an accident. Is that right?"
"Yes. His second eldest, Kathleen. She was in a pretty bad car wreck and had to be in the hospital for several days."
"How is she now?"
"Doing well. She's recovering nicely."
"I'm glad to hear that," Dr. Lindstrom says, tapping his pen on his notepad thoughtfully. He gives her a few moments to offer up something about Elliot's visit. When she doesn't, he asks "I'm assuming that you were able to spend some more time with Elliot during that visit?"
Olivia nods slowly as she answers "I did. I stayed with his mother while he traveled home."
"Does his mother require care?"
Olivia frowns, thinking of the best way to characterize Bernie. "She's aging, obviously, and she has bipolar disorder. Most of the time she's lucid and can take care of herself with minimal assistance, but other days she needs more observation and help."
"And she knew you well enough to let you stay with her, help her?"
"We met when Elliot and I were partners. When Kathleen was in her early 20s, we learned that she also had bipolar disorder. Elliot really struggled with that, Kathleen's diagnosis. And I—massively overstepping—reached out to Bernie to help. We didn't stay in contact after that, but she remembered me and was excited to have Noah and I over for the evening."
"How did it feel to have Elliot's trust to care for his ailing mother?"
Olivia opens her mouth and then closes it. She hasn't thought about it like that before. Obviously, she feels she'd extended an olive branch and opened doors when she let Elliot pick up Noah from the McCanns and stay with him while she was called into work last winter, but she hadn't considered that Elliot had done the same when he entrusted her with his mother.
"Uh, I haven't given it much thought. There was an emergency, and I just stepped in where I was needed, you know? But maybe there was more to it."
"The last time Elliot was here, you and I discussed how you didn't think he was the same person as before and you were worried about trusting him and yourself with him. How do you feel now, after this visit and some time has passed?"
Again, Olivia is stumped for a few minutes. Never put it past a shrink to ask thought-provoking questions when you aren't prepared to answer, she thinks. She lets her thoughts wander through the last few months and tries to compare who Elliot is now to the Elliot she knew as her partner all those years ago. She considers how her relationship with Elliot has evolved recently and how it compares to their relationship years ago.
"He's not the same person he was before. In good ways and bad. Though, I guess the same can be said about me."
"How so?" Dr. Lindstrom prompts.
Olivia exhales and looks around the room, trying to find the best way to describe her thoughts. Dr. Lindstrom waits for her to answer his question.
"Some of it's age and distance, I think," she starts slowly, her words deliberate. "Or maybe some of it is just him learning to be a single man. But Elliot seems a bit more calm now. He's not as reactive as he was—at least, not all the time. It feels like he takes an extra second to think about things, and he does so deeply and thoughtfully. He's got more depth than I'd ever expected. It's impressive. But we're not always on the same page. I feel like we both have questions and require a bit more assurance about each other and where we stand."
"That makes sense. You've been apart for over ten years, during which both of you lived separate lives. You've both matured, learned, and even suffered in those years. And, as we talked about last time, the dynamic of your relationship has changed. It can require more support and assurance from one another."
"It was nice. Back then, I mean. I used to be able to predict nearly every action of his and knew what he was thinking. Now, he's a bit of a mystery," she adds with a soft smile.
"That's part of the fun of a new relationship, right? The learning about each other, uncovering new depths?" Dr. Lindstrom asks.
Olivia can sense the doctor's teasing tone, and her cheeks warm again.
"I take it that you and Elliot were able to learn more about each other during his last visit?"
"We did," Olivia answers honestly. She knows that her intimacy issues are well-documented in Lindstrom's file, and based on the last discussions they'd had about her and Elliot, she's not surprised one bit he's asking her these questions.
"And how do you feel about that? The last time you two explored new physical boundaries, you said that you 'panicked.'"
"I didn't panic this time. Actually, surprisingly, it was easy—almost natural—between us. As if it was just the next step in our relationship."
"Good. I'm glad. Are you happy?"
Olivia's able to answer this question without much thought. "Yes."
"Really, Fin? Wrapping gifts during work hours?" Olivia teases as she taps on Fin's desk.
"Please, Liv," Fin rebukes, leaning back in his chair. "Like you didn't order all of Noah's gifts from your Captain's desk."
"Alright. You caught me," Olivia admits, putting her hands up in a mock surrender. "Do you and Phoebe have any plans for Christmas?"
He nods. "Yeah. We're going to have a nice dinner tomorrow because we have to spend Christmas Eve with her parents, and then we have a very early morning visit to Ken's so we can see the kids open their presents."
"Aw, that sounds really lovely."
"What about you and Noah?"
"Just the usual. We'll drink hot cocoa and watch the Grinch on Christmas Eve. Then after opening gifts in the morning, we make a big breakfast with fruit and whipped cream covered waffles and eggs and bacon. The whole shebang, you know?"
"Elliot's not going to make it back for Christmas?"
Olivia sighs, her shoulders drooping slightly. "No, he's not. I don't know all the details, but he's not likely to be back until after the new year."
"Not too much longer then. Maybe just a couple of weeks?" Olivia hears the forced, hopeful tone in Fin's voice as if he's trying to cheer her up.
"From your lips to God's ears, Fin."
"Missing him already?"
"I missed him as soon as he left," Olivia answers earnestly.
"I never thought I'd ever actually hear you admit it."
"What do you mean?"
"Liv," Fin draws out. "I mean this in the kindest way, but Elliot has always been a tough subject for you, and you've been a bit cagey about him since he's been back. So to hear you openly admit that you miss him? It's a nice change of pace."
Olivia exhales. She knows Fin's right. Even though she's been more open with Fin than she has with most others in her life, she's held back when it comes to Elliot. Maybe because she wasn't sure what she felt, or maybe she didn't trust her instincts. But she knows she needs to let others in.
"I'm trying, Fin. I'm really trying to just be more open. More open to him, and more open to my own feelings."
"Good. That's really good. It's the only way you can move forward."
"That's the word on the street." She raps on his desk once more before turning away. She looks back over her shoulder as Fin returns to the gift. "You really should have just paid the store to wrap it."
"Bug off, Captain."
Elliot's seething and he knows it. And he knows that he's pissing off everyone around him and has been for days. It's like that first month waiting on Olivia's response all over again. He just can't seem to control his frustration. For the last week, he's been spending all hours of the day and many into the night with his team preparing for their raid. Or raids he should say, as their operation involves several locations. There are so many departments and teams with their own priorities and goals for the mission. And the language barriers don't help to speed things along.
Not only is he mentally and physically exhausted, he's simply angry. He wants to be home. He wants to see his family. And he wants to sleep in his own bed with his woman by his side. But it's two days before Christmas, and he's on his fourth day of working 12-plus hours in this tiny room, running over plans for the umpteenth time.
"Alright, let's take a coffee break everyone," Tia announces. As everyone stands to clear the room, she holds out a hand stopping Elliot. "You," she whispers angrily. "My office, right now."
Elliot inhales through his nose, his nostrils flaring. He knows he's in for it. But he simply nods and turns towards Tia's office.
Five minutes later, he's sitting at the chair in front of her desk when she comes in with two steaming mugs of coffee. He takes the one she offers to him but asks with a little too much snark, "To what do I owe this late-night one-on-one?"
"Can it, Elliot," Tia admonishes him before sipping her own cup. She looks him up and down once, her eyes narrowing, as if she's considering whether he's worthy of what she's going to say next.
"I'm going to make this offer once and only once."
Elliot meets her eyes; they're intense but inscrutable. He nods, signaling he's listening closely.
"Do you want to go home, for good, right now?"
Elliot stands quickly, nearly knocking over his chair and spilling hot coffee over his hand. "Are you firing me?" he demands.
"No." She shakes her head. "I am not firing you. You are more than welcome to stay and finish out this case. But I can sense the tension rolling off of you. You are anxious and angry and something else that I can't quite put my finger on. You want to be home, with your family, and with your Olivia."
"I—"
Tia lifts her hand and cuts him off. "Don't interrupt me."
Elliot tucks his lips frustratedly, but he nods and sits back down, wiping his hand on his pants.
She takes another sip of her coffee before continuing.
"I don't blame you, Elliot. This case has taken much longer than we anticipated, and you've been such a good addition to the team—invaluable thus far, really. We are almost done, and everyone in that room is more than capable of carrying out the op, to which you would obviously add experience and skill. But you are not essential any longer. And I can tell you are near the end of your rope."
Elliot swallows and nods again. "I haven't been sleeping well. And I… just…"
She stops him again. "You don't have to explain it to me, Elliot. So I am asking you once more, and then I will not ask again: Do you want to go home, right now? If you leave right now, I'm certain you could find a flight home tomorrow and see your family Christmas morning."
Elliot's eyes close as he inhales deeply, trying to make sense of what Tia's offering. He's worked on this case since June, and he wants to see it through. He's never willingly given up on a case before. Never quitting, no matter how hard a case gets, is a part of his character he prides himself on. But that was before, and this is now.
Now he's been away from his family for over six months. Now he and Olivia are together, and he knows what it's like to kiss her, hold her, and love her openly. Now he's working on a relationship with her son, and he wants to be a positive role model in his life. Now his family needs him to be home to care for them and support them. Now he wants to prove to them all that they are a priority, that he's willing to put them first. And he's been given that chance—he's being given the chance to spend Christmas with his family and with Olivia and Noah.
And he recalls that night, in Olivia's room when he promised her that'd be home the second he could.
Here is his green light.
All he has to do is say yes.
It's difficult for him to find his words, and tears prick at his eyes.
He sucks in a breath. "Tia," he starts, then clears his throat. "Do you really mean it?"
"Yes. I mean it. I will take care of everything here."
He nods his head over and over, feeling silly it's all he can do. "Okay. Okay. Then yes. Yes, I'm done."
The weight of the world lifts off his shoulders immediately, and he practically jumps from his chair and kisses Tia's cheek. "Yes. I'm done."
"Good. Then sneak out of here before everyone comes back with their shitty coffee for round three of our briefing."
"I'm gone!"
The night before Christmas Eve, Olivia sneaks downstairs to her apartment complex's mailroom. She'd received a notice earlier today that she had a package waiting in the larger, communal box. She thinks, hopes really, that it's Noah's last couple of presents that had been delayed in delivery. She stops by her letter mailbox after grabbing the larger box, and Elliot's letter is right there on top.
December 6, 2023,
Olivia,
I am surprised to hear that you had Noah baptized. I know you have a complicated relationship with religion (putting it lightly). I do as well. More than once, actually more times than I can count, I've questioned my faith and the teachings of the Church. And oftentimes, I wonder if I've done more harm than good in my efforts to keep my faith and satisfy God (something I'll bring up with my therapist and priest one day). Our only difference is that I can't help but always come back to it. I find a home, certainty, and purpose in my faith. I know that it's not the same for you, and I respect that. I hope you know that—I will always respect your views. But if you want, I'm more than happy to talk to Noah about faith, and if he ever wants to go, there is a place for him in our regular pew.
I can't tell you how much it means to me that you trust me with Noah. You've done an amazing job raising him, and I just want to get the chance to watch him grow into the remarkable young man that he's bound to be—and that's all because of you.
And Liv, you're not alone in your feelings. I am struggling over here. I dream of you night and day. I can barely focus at work. I'm so ready to just be home and back with you. I'm desperate to have another night with you, to hold you while you sleep with your head on my chest. We're on the final countdown, but that just makes every day feel twice as long.
I loved the photos you sent me (if you couldn't tell). You are gorgeous, Liv. So beautiful and sexy, and I just want to stare at you all day, every day. So please feel free to send more pictures my way, even some more sexy ones if you want.
I've already said it, but I want to say it again: I'm so sorry I'm missing Christmas. I still cannot believe how long this operation has taken. Though, maybe my surprise says more about my hopes or naivete than this actual case. I really, truly thought that it would be a summer case, maybe late summer into September or October at the latest. And here I am in my tiny-ass apartment on a street covered in trees and lights with the snow falling. It's gorgeous, actually, movie-worthy, but I just want to be home with you and Noah and the rest of my family.
Maureen is hosting Christmas dinner this year. I was hoping to take you and Noah, but now we'll have to wait until next year. Please don't be mad, but I did get Noah a couple gifts: that Barbarian game he asked for and a new dance bag (the one he raved about on our FaceTime). I'll just have to give them to him when I get back.
Right now, everything is still going forward as planned, which means that I might be harder to reach for the next few weeks. I'm sorry. I can't say more in my letter. But I really hope I don't have to spend much of the new year away from you. And I promise that once I return, I won't spend any additional moment of 2024 away from you—not if I have a damn thing to say about it.
Love,
Elliot