DISCLAIMER: This fanfic is NOT reflective of any views the author personally has of others, nor to attack anyone with similar or contrary beliefs. This whole thing is literally just some dumb fun to take a nice break from my usual stuff. I do update my chapters every so often. I'm just letting you know.
There are small levels of juxtaposition from my end, but is otherwise nothing more than harmless banter. This story is just some fun and should not be taken seriously.
Some details are going to be wrong because I can't really spend too much time on the wiki (and the wiki is not as good as I'd prefer), so forgive me if details don't line up 1 to 1 w/ the lore, but you're also free to point these mistakes out as I release chapters so I may fix them when I have time! (they're usually in there because I didn't spot them in post).
Thank you for understanding!
See the ends of the chapter for any changes and/or fixes. Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 02 - The Godforsaken
(The Bar & yet-to-get Grill)
A melodic metal baseline started playing.
"Hello potential customer! Are you in hell? Are you suffering? Are you a having an existential crisis? Do you just want to get ABSOLUTELY WASTED?
"Or maybe you've literally just fallen here, fresh from heaven and have zero idea how to start your new life in hell?
"Maybe you're just burned out from all the extreme stuff and need something tame to break the pace and slow things down?"
"I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!"
"Welcome to the Godforsaken! We're a bar (and trying to get a grill)!
"We're located in the circle of pride, so come one and all to get your fill!
(Finding us might be a bitch, still.)
"We have drinks from all around! Come and take your pick.
"Looking for something unusual?
"Don't worry! We'll work with what will stick!"
"Don't let our cathedral and uncomfortably familiar aesthetics deter you.
"(Don't tell the cloth, but we serve trans, gays, and witches too!)"
"We got tables! We got pews!
"(Perhaps you're shy? Come drink in our confession booths!)
"We don't judge! We don't care!
"(We're in hell cuz we weren't fair!)
"We're all sinners. We're all in hell.
"Just like you, we've also fell!
"We're God forsaken! That's our name!
(Despite that all the things we did were questionably tame)"
"… ANYWAY!"
"First round is on the house for free!
"COME HERE AND DRINK AWAY YOUR SUFFERING!"
The weird, nu-metal baseline cut out.
The radio demon cleared his throat. "And now, back to our regularly scheduled program!"
The show must go on.
. . .
The bartender is a Jet-white Hellhound with grey highlights, dressed in a black short-sleeve shirt and a red silk collar under the shirt's lapel. If you're going to lean into the "unholy church" aesthetic, might as well go all in.
The hellhound's phone rang.
"Zack, you alright?"
"I'm doing fine, Timothy. Just holed-up in my apartment."
"Yeah, give me a moment. I can hear screaming from the other side of the phone and it's making my ears bleed." Timothy decreased the volume, putting it back to his hear.
"Alright. You good now, Tim?"
"Yeah. I'm good. Damn, that was loud."
"How's business going?"
Timothy put the phone down, took a good look at the sanctuary floor, then returned the phone to his ear.
"Booming. A whole flock of customers came in to escape extermination day. It's the first time for a lot of them, so along with their promised free first drink, I made sure to give a good first impression."
Timothy's eyes lit up.
"Oh, shoot! I forgot - I didn't hear back from Driver! Is he alright?"
"Yeah, he's on his way with the ice. Should be there any minute."
"Perfect! Tell him to call me once he is ready to drive right in! We don't want anyone dying today, much less accidentally let in an exorcist, so this needs to be timed perfectly or there's gonna be a lot of dead bodies."
"Yes! Also! Timothy, listen. There's gonna be a passenger with him – a sinner demon."
Timothy rolled his eyes.
"Another one, Zack? Dude, we're out of the business of doing favors. What is it this time – his pet puppy got run over by a big-wig?"
"Just call me back once those two get there. I'll explain then."
Timothy nodded.
"Alright. No problem, Zack."
"Thanks, Fluffy!"
"You get a pass." Timothy hung up the phone.
"Need me to hold down the fort, Tim?" A caprinae-themed demon dressed in a goth girl getup leaned against the counter as her hands trailed down her horns, following their curl to behind her jaw.
"Yeah, I need to man the garage door and make sure Driver doesn't get killed." He finished polishing the counter and set the rag in the sink.
"Oh, and Evelyn?" The hellhound paused, raising a finger in the air.
"Yea, Tim?"
"Don't be afraid to knock some fools out." Timothy jested.
"With my smoke or with my fists?" She asked.
"Yes." Timothy walked through the service door.
"Oh, and Evelyn!" The hellhound poked his head out the door.
"What?"
"Make sure nobody starts any shit from either side! We don't want another Saladin-Lionheart joint-crusade. It was chaotic enough the first time!"
"Roger."
Timothy took his leave. Shortly after, one of the patrons approached Evelyn.
"Excuse me, do you happen to know where the bathroom is?"
Before Evelyn could shrug or point, one of the service doors opened, revealing an outhouse sign and a tile interior.
"Wait, huh?" Evelyn blinked, processing.
"Oh, there? Thank you!" The demon headed off to relieve himself.
The caprinae goth-bouncer kept her eyes on the crowd and ears open, just as she said she would.
"Saved by literally going to church! The irony's so thick, I'm never going to have enough booze to wash it down!" One of the new customers complained.
"I literally promised myself I'd never be caught dead in a church, yet here I am, drinking in a cathedral! If my friends find out about this, I'll never hear the end of it!" Another one blurted.
On the opposite side of the sanctuary floor sat the regular, long-time patrons.
"If this is what "tolerance" is supposed to look like, then by the Almighty, I'll shoot myself right here!" One of the regulars kept a hand on his holstered weapon.
"No offense, but we're already dead." Another patron whispered to the first.
("We can still die a second time") Another patron corrected the second, also in a whisper.
"I came to the Godforsaken to get away from these advanced degenerates, and now they're here and with the balls to complain that this building has sheltered them from the almighty's righteous wrath! They should go wait outside then if they can't stand it."
The two groups of customers took it upon themselves to sit as far apart as possible – both obviously whispering behind the other's back and eyeing daggers at each other from across the sanctuary floor, with maybe two-or-three patrons in the middle.
"Why am I drinking in the same bar as these self-righteous ass-freaks?!"
"Oh, THEIR self-righteousness is acceptable, but ours isn't?! Que te cojan mil cabras!"
"What did he just say?"
"He said "God bless" in Spanish."
("No, he didn't?")
"Oh, really? I should try that!"
"Yeah! Do it!"
("No. Don't!")
The atmospheric cold war between the two was starting to heat up a little.
Then almost out of nowhere, a small, obviously intoxicated patron dressed in an adult-sized templar getup from the regulars' side jumped on top of one of the tables in the middle of the Sanctuary floor.
"Frwiendz! This is *hic* CLEARLY a test of patience from the div- *hic* from our divine-… as *hic* part of our penance and *hic* new charge as knights of the *hic* knights of our Holy Lord!" He was about to fall off the table, but a pair of customers that were at that table caught him.
The newcomer side laughed at the spectacle.
"Who's little Templar Junior right there? He's adorable!"
"He died in the children's crusade. We don't talk about it!"
"Oh, why's that?" There was a smug look on the demon's face that asked.
The regulars didn't retort.
As Evelyn could tell, the groups absolutely did not get along with each other at all.
"Right." She tried to clear her head.
"Hey there, girl!" One of the demons from the newcomer-side rolled up to the bar with a smoke in his hand – an incubus by the looks of him.
"I was wondering if I could get some ice for this drink."
"It'll be here in ten minutes or less, guaranteed." Evelyn nodded.
"Oh? I can't wait that long. Perhaps we can work something out?" He flirted, smoking his paper roll.
"Non-smoking area." Evelyn warned. The candle on the top of her head between her horns lit.
"Oh really?" The sinner demon inhaled more of his smoke like lung candy.
Evelyn recognized that he was preparing to cast a charm spell, using the smoke.
The incubus exhaled into Evelyn's face, unaware of how many steps ahead she was already.
"And whatcha- *COUGH*! *AUGH-COUGH*! *COUGH*! *HACK*!" He fell out of his chair onto the floor and started gagging for oxygen, erupting into a choking fit on his own failed-exhaled vapor smoke as he rolled onto the floor.
The incubus failed to notice that the smoke never left his lungs when he tried to blow it into Evelyn's face.
"How's that smoke taste now?" Evelyn taunted, gently preparing to cast another spell as the incubus gagged.
Some of his buddies got up, but then some regulars got up with weapons in hand, forcing the situation into a stand-off.
"You bi-*HACK*, *COUGH*! *HACK*!" The incubus failed to take a swipe at Evelyn, still flailing on the floor for oxygen.
Evelyn cast her next spell, sealing him into the floor as his lungs continued irritating from the smoke of his own hit.
"Non-smoking section. Any questions?" Evelyn confidently repeated, glaring at the demons that got out of their seats.
"You want to let our pal go?" One of them asked.
"Depends." She waved the fingertips of her opposing hand, summoning a hovering, thin, razor-sharp, motorcycle-sized blade out of thin air.
"Gotta set an example for you new guys. If you try starting anything around here..." She took control of the razor-sharp weapon and aimed it at the gagging demon.
"We tend to finish it."
The thugs from the newcomer side took a step forward.
"Don't!" The regulars readied their weapons.
The newcomer demons reached for their weapons-
*THWACK*
Everyone looked at Evelyn.
The blade was thrust into the floor, inched from the incubus's face. She dispelled her control over the smoke, allowing the restrained demon to finally cough and hack the grey cloud of toxin out of his throat.
"You all going to sit down and enjoy your drinks. Next time either side starts shit, I end it, and if it happens again after that, I mount your head on the wall. Am I crystal clear?"
Tense silence.
"We want no trouble." One of the regulars immediately put his weapons away and sat back down.
The stand-off continued.
"… Fuck!" Another one sat down, not happy about it.
Eventually, one by one, the regulars begrudgingly returned to their seats.
The newcomers were still standing up.
"The fuck you're waiting for, you assholes?! Return to your damn seats! You're making the freaks look good!" The demon that caused this fiasco spoke out.
"But they just-"
"Are you deaf?! You are literally proving these self-righteous, stuck-up cocks correct! Now shut the fuck up and sit back down, or I'll wriggle my way over there and steal all your kneecaps!"
One of them sat back down, then followed by another one.
"… Fucking dammit!" Eventually the rest followed suite.
Evelyn folded her arms, trying her absolute best to keep a straight, professional face.
Silence.
"Dispel binds." With a snap of her fingers, she released the incubus from the floor.
He dusted himself off and glared at Evelyn.
Evelyn re-summoned the blade.
Eventually, the demon that caused the whole mess walked back over to his side of the bar, joining the demons over at the newcomer's side of the sanctuary floor, retaking his seat.
The newcomers started talking amongst themselves again.
"She is crazy."
"Forget the crazy! Was that fucking MAGIC?!"
"The fuck's a spellcaster working HERE at a bar in the middle of fuck-all nowhere for?"
"And in a CHURCH, converted into a bar of all things! What the fuck is going on?!"
"I'm not drunk enough for this shit!"
Evelyn brushed herself off. At this point, the newcomers took a good look at the female bouncer as she leaned back and summoned a cube of ice to set in a nearby glass.
"Wait, holy shit. What even is she?"
"I think she's a sinner-demon, because sinner-demons can use magic and she uses magic, so...?"
"Is she a Baphomet? Wait, no, she's not- no, yes, she is? She looks like one, though?!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE?!"
"I need more booze."
Evelyn waved her hands, summoning a ball of fire in her hands, then dispelling it before anything got too hot.
"Want to fuck around and find out?" She was not taunting, nor glaring. The question was genuine.
Pause.
"Lesson learned: Don't fuck with the bouncer!" One of the newcomer demons blinked as the entire group continued staring.
"Weirdo!"
"Wait, she was bluffing with the horns, right? Even if they're cut off, these horns DO grow back, right? Right?!"
"I don't know, and I DON'T want to test it."
Evelyn bit her cheek.
"If they don't then I would've been in trouble if I did cut them off!" She kept her thoughts to herself.
*CLICK*
Everyone looked at the door.
"… Uh, who disengaged the deadbolts?" One of the newcomers asked.
"Those keep the exorcists out, right?" Another one asked.
Pause.
Longer pause.
Everyone's pupils collectively shrunk as dread realization set in.
"FORMATIONS, GENTLEMEN!" The regulars burst out of their seats, drawing swords and guns in a bizarre organized mess.
Evelyn used her magic to help grab and rearrange the tables and chairs to fortify positions.
"What the fuck is going on?" The newcomers simply just had their weapons drawn and pointed at the door.
"Should we help?"
They took a minute.
"Fuck it! We're all dead anyway. Versus an exorcist is just a blaze o' glory I ain't missing!" One of them got up and joined in.
"I'd rather actually die than fight beside these fucks!" The rest of the newcomer group kept bickering for a while as another newcomer finished his drink.
"Most likely outcome: we're all slaughtered by an exorcist or multiple. Chance of victory is Zero! Chance to die with the honor I never had in life is one hundred and ten percent. The fuck am I arguing about?! Move over you damn cowards! Outta my way!" He joined, leaving his empty glass on the table.
Meanwhile, in the Garage
Timothy had the phone pressed to his ear in one hand with the button to the garage door with the other.
"Hello, Driver! We got this perfectly timed, I hope?"
"Yes! Perfectly timed! I have visual!"
"Alright, same! Were you followed?" Timothy stared through the narrow, windowed slit in the door's center.
"I was, but I lost it! I'm in the clear! Just be ready to hit the button!"
"I'm ready. Just say when!"
"Three…" Driver sounded nervous.
"Two…!"
"He's coming in a little hot. I just hope the ice isn't melting!" Timothy kept his hand over the button.
"Hit it!" Driver yelled.
Timothy hit the button.
"INCOMING!" Driver hit the brake as he skidded into the garage. Timothy hit the close door button behind him.
The garage door closed, followed by the plaster of an exorcist against the door window.
*Click* The cathedral's locking mechanisms engaged immediately.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
It was NOT happy about missing its quarry.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!* It knocked again.
Pause.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
Silence.
"STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT! GO FUCK OFF AND HUNT SOMEONE ELSE!"
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
The garage's window shutters unfurled as the neon light turned itself off in sync.
Eventually, the exorcist lost interest and indeed fucked off.
Timothy fell to the floor, almost passing out.
"Alright! I think we're in the clear!" He raised a thumbs-up.
"Let's get the ice machine set up so we don't have to do this again, and hopefully when we get the grill, it's not going to be on Extermination day of all days!" Timothy dragged himself back to his feet.
"For a moment, I did actually think we were going to die." Driver had zoned-out into a thousand-yard stare.
"Wait, aren't we missing someone?" Timothy remembered something.
"… Pardon?" Driver played dumb.
"Zack called. He told me you had a passenger named "Church" tagging along? I can smell that he was- IS THAT FUCKING GASOLINE DEODORANT ON THE SEAT?!" Timothy snapped-out of his near-death experience.
"… Wait, he's not in here with you?!" Driver looked genuinely surprised.
"What do you mean?"
Driver shrank into his jacket.
"… Remember what I said about losing the Exorcist following me?"
Tristan glared at driver with shrunk pupils the size of peas for a solid minute.
"GOD DAMMIT, DRIVER!"
Meanwhile, outside
"JAEZUS SAVE ME!" Church dodged, ducked, and weaved as the exorcist played with his prey.
"AH!"
*Slash!*
The Exorcist barely missed Church's shoulder by inches.
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN OF YOUR-" Church dodged another strike.
"GACHIMUCHI GIMP SUIT!" Church dodged again.
"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A VAN DARKHOLME ENTHUSIAST! FUCK!"
Church was b-lining it as fast as he could for the cathedral.
"AHH!" He jumped to dodge a strike aimed at his legs.
"CHILL THE FUCK OUT, MAN!"
*Slash!*
The exorcist missed again.
"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?!"
The cathedral was getting closer.
"WOO! WHOA! WHAH!" Church dodged more strikes, kicking a storm of dust behind him as he sprinted for dear life.
He was in the asphalt parking lot, speedily approaching the doors.
"PLEASE BE A PUSH-"
*BATHUNK* It was not a push.
Church fell to the ground. Upside-down, he had a perfect view of the exterminator t-posing while approaching him at high velocity. Church got up, yanked the door open and got into the cathedral, closing the door behind him.
The exorcist reached to try prying the doors open, but Church seemed able to shut them in time.
"Sheesh, these doors got good springs I guess? ANYWAY! I need to engage the-"
*Click*
The cathedral's locking mechanisms activated on their own.
"… Deadbolts?"
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
The exterminator outside was banging against the doors furiously.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!* It knocked again.
Pause.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!*
Silence.
*THUD!* *THUD!* *THUD!* It knocked again.
Church took out his crucifix necklace and brandished it at the doors like he was trying to repel a vampire.
"This be God's house! Fuck off, Demon!"
The open signs in the Cathedral windows turned off.
Pause again.
"… Is-… Is it gone?"
Silence.
"WHEW!" Church sighed in massive relief, catching his breath.
He tucked his silver cross back into his shirt, leaning against the doors.
"That was close-" He noticed a weird series of mysterious traveling dots on his hand and arms.
He slowly turned around.
Church was greeted by a completely absurd number of people, all set-up in defensive positions made from tables, all pointing their weapons right at him.
They all looked like a ridiculous hodge-podge of crazy hats – some were Templar-dressed weirdos with guns, others looked like death metal rock & roll enthusiasts, and there were a couple guys dressed like they were Persian historical enthusiasts.
Church almost didn't see the goth-girl baphomet demon off to the side because everyone and everything else in the room was so surreal and bizarre by comparison.
Church noticed a bar counter off to the side that the goth-girl demon was leaning against.
THE GODFORSAKEN
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Church, fully sick of his bad luck, braced himself to get shot right then and there.
"Whait! *Hic*! Don't- *hic*! Don't shoot!"
"Huh?" Church double-took as what looked like a small child dressed in adult-sized templar clothing complete with a bucket helm stumbled toward him.
"He carries- *hic*! The mark of our lord on- *hic*! On his face! Look at his eye!"
Everyone started exchanging glances.
"Who are you, and how the actual hell are you even alive?!"
Church blinked, caught completely off guard.
"My name's Church. I'm alive because you haven't shot me dead yet!"
"We meant the exterminators!"
Church shrugged.
"I learned to dodge?" He had no idea.
"… Yeah, no. Calling Bullshit!" The metalhead side of the table shouted.
"Oi!"
Church saw a hellhound in a black short-sleeve shirt with a red silk collar around the lapel emerge from behind one of the service doors, followed by a familiar face.
"Oh, hey Driver! Good to see you again!" Church put on a sarcastic tone.
"Nice tactic with the bait by the way! Small Problem: You didn't tell me that I WAS THE BAIT!" He was not happy to see him.
"Asshole nearly got me killed! The fuck, man?!" Church followed up.
Driver nodded and headed back through the door, then emerged from a different service door back onto the sanctuary floor.
"The fuck?" Church double-took at that.
"Apologies. I'll get out of your sight now." Driver nodded, heading back into the room he emerged from, then re-emerged from another door nowhere near the one he just exited from.
Church rubbed his eyes, trying to process what he was seeing.
"Right, yeah. I'll get going on dishes." Driver gave up trying to slip away and got to the sink.
Church blinked.
"What the hell did I just witness?"
"Church!" The hellhound waved him over.
"How'd you know my name?" Church stuck his hands in his pockets and walked over.
"I believe we have a mutual friend? He told me to call him back once you got here."
Church looked to the side.
"You Timothy?"
"Aye." The Hellhound bartender nodded.
Somewhere Really Far Away...
The exterminator arrived back home in Heaven, significantly late, wishing to avoid everyone else.
He dusted the sand out of his feathers, got ready to doff his helmet and head home until-...
"CAAARNYYYX!" The last voice he ever wanted to hear had now yelled his name.
"Oh no." Carnyx spotted his boss walking towards him down the flawless marble path.
"Heeeeey, boss! I just noticed Lute's not with you. Everything al-"
"Zip it."
Carnyx forced a smile, standing at attention with his hands behind his back as his boss folded his arms.
"Okay, seriously, what did I do?! I've never been in trouble from being late before! Oh God, what's going on? What's happening?" He bit his cheek.
"Thank you, Adam. I will take it from here." A voice announced as she revealed herself from behind Carnyx's boss.
At that moment, Carnyx's blood froze as all of her eyes focused on him.
"Oh God. That's a Seraphim." He tensed up.
"If Corny here gives you any trouble, let me know. Stupid kid!" Carnyx's boss took his leave.
The Seraphim waited until Adam left the room.
The silence between Carnyx and the other angel was deafening.
"You're Emma's..." Carnyx tried to speak, but he felt like there were icicles running through his blood.
"As much as Emma would've probably been better for this circumstance, she is occupied for the moment. Relax." The Seraphim ordered.
Carnyx tried to take a deep breath, but it didn't work.
"Am I in trouble?" He asked.
"We'll get to that." The Seraphim answered.
Carnyx complied.
"So... Carnyx, like the instrument?"
"... Yes?" Carnyx answered.
"Interesting name."
"... Thanks?" Carnyx shrugged.
"She's not calling me Carny or Corn, so that's nice." He kept to himself.
"This was your third year going out for Extermination Day. Is this true?"
"Yes." Carnyx gave a firm answer.
"Okay, take a seat."
Carnyx complied.
"I hear that you tend to hunt outside the city, far into the wasteland. Care to explain why?"
"I just... don't want to be in the way of everyone else as they do their thing? I just hunt alone and no one's complained about it yet, so..." Carnyx shrugged.
"Your behavior is very reckless."
"It is, but... how do you know this about me? I'm not exactly..." Carnyx shrugged again.
"Sociable?" The Seraphim asked.
"... I just kinda don't jive with the other exterminators, so I just do whatever." Carnyx shrugged.
"Mm, hm. So, if anyone came through the wasteland on this year's extermination day, you'd know about it. Right?"
"... Yes?" Carnyx had no idea what she was getting at.
"That's great. Did you see anyone go by there this Extermination day?"
"Well, yeah. There was... a couple Sinner demons here and there... a small crowd that came by later-"
"Because Extermination day was over and you were supposed to be back." The Seraphim confronted.
"I'm sorry I was late. I had no idea it'd be-"
"This isn't about that." The Seraphim took a deep breath and lowered her voice.
"Were you with anyone today? Any other Exterminators?"
"I... don't think I was?" Carnyx blinked.
"So, you were in the middle of the wasteland, and I quote "doing your thing". That reminds me!"
The Seraphim then pulled up a giant folder and pulled out some pictures.
"Is this you?" She handed over a picture of an Exorcist making a sand angel in the middle of the wasteland, getting sand in his feathers.
"... How the actual Hell did she get that footage?" Carnyx started breaking into a cold sweat as he tried literally sweeping the sand he got out of his feathers under a conveniently available rug.
"I... Uh... it just looks like an exterminator having a quick break? I don't know. Is he doing something illegal?" Carnyx sheepishly answered, having no idea how to react.
"No, not illegal. It's just that... based off your answer, I take it this other picture is not you either then?" She took out a second picture, this time of the same Exterminator chasing cars.
"The cars are driven by Sinner demons? Again, not illegal. He's just having fun." Carnyx explained.
"Alright, so this picture here - this is also absolutely, totally, not ever in a thousand years, you?" She took out a third picture of the Exterminator, this time chasing a Sinner Demon in the middle of the desert, next to a road.
Carnyx cocked his head, confused.
"That's-... I fail to see anything wrong with this picture."
The Seraphim gave Carnyx a glare.
"What? He's an exterminator doing his job. I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing." Carnyx shrugged.
"I understand, but I want you to take a closer look at the specific sinner demon. Notice anything?" The Seraphim asked.
"... Uh, weird necklace, scar, weird tail. I don't think I see it. The guy just looks like a really tall imp." Carnyx shrugged again.
"Uh huh." The Seraphim leaned in.
"Why is it, over the past three Extermination days, your weapons are almost never dirty?" She whispered.
"... Because I clean and maintain them?" Carnyx asked.
"Are you sure it's not because you're terrible at your job?" The Seraphim whispered her question.
The Seraphim's question caused Carnyx's blood to freeze over.
"... I can play this off as just me being an idiot, but for how long?" He asked himself.
"But that's not what I'm here for." The Seraphim got out of his face.
Carnyx blinked.
"Then... What are you here for?"
"It's who you were chasing."
Carnyx was caught in a moment of disbelief.
"Wait. Wait. Excuse me, what?" He shook himself out of it.
"You didn't listen to Adam this morning?"
"Yes...?"
"Great. What did he say?"
"I'd-mm-thed-did-, I thought it was just the usual stuff that we do and say every year?"
The Seraphim lowered her face into her hands.
"I understand your situation, so I'm not going to chastise you for this. Only explain."
The Seraphim took a deep breath.
"Roughly four to five days ago, a brother and sister died in a violent car accident - Olga and Church Tiernan. They approached St. Peter, but only the sister is in Heaven. Her brother is not. She ran through all of Heaven begging for someone to help her brother, when she ran into Emma. Emma brought her before me, and I brought them to Adam to make an exception for Church for this year."
"Wait, AND YOU GOT ADAM TO ACTUALLY AGREE?!" Carnyx's heart stopped for a moment.
"And we've been trying to keep an eye out for Church Tiernan throughout Extermination Day, where he encountered you. That, Carnyx, is why you are in trouble."
"How?! LITERALLY HOW did they get my boss to agree to an exception?!" Carnyx rose from his seat in shock.
"BUT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY HURT THE GUY! I JUST-"
The Seraphim shut Carnyx's mouth.
"Need me to smack some sense into Corny for you, Miss?" Carnyx's boss asked from the hall.
"No thanks. I can handle him." The Seraphim answered.
"Guess we're lucky the kid's a dipshit, otherwise he'd actually be in trouble!"
That comment cut Carnyx in a way he wasn't expecting.
The two waited a moment before the Seraphim released her hold over Carnyx's mouth, letting him go.
"I just played with him a little! I swear to god!" He whispered.
"You could've severed his shoulder from his body."
"It was just play. I swear to God I didn't realize it was him!"
"So either you're just an incompetent moron who slacks off, or you participate of the Extermination force with no intention to do your job in the first place?" She whispered back.
"Oh fuck she's going to figure me out if I don't say something!" Carnyx panicked again.
"What?! No! Absurd! An Exterminator that doesn't exterminate?! What kind of tomfoolery would that be? I'm just a-..." Carnyx felt pain as he realized what he needed to say.
"I'm just an incompetent moron who slacks off!"
"You hear that? He admits it!" Carnyx's boss yelled from the other room.
"... Yeah." Carnyx bit his cheek, sighing.
"Really?" The Seraphim asked. Even if the eyes on her face were closed, she had plenty more open.
She looked around the room.
"If you know what's good for you, you will think before you speak." She whispered.
"I think I will continue talking with Carnyx elsewhere." The Seraphim announced.
"Fine by me. I didn't feel like dealing with him anyway!" Carnyx's boss announced back.
. . .
The two traveled to a different part of heaven. Carnyx sat down in the same posture as he did in the picture of him in his exorcist getup making the sand-angel.
"What do you think would have happened if you injured Church?" The Seraphim judged.
Carnyx sighed and looked down.
"I'd-... I just thought he was another Sinner Demon. I didn't know about the exception."
"It was announced and covered this morning. You were not paying attention."
"What even were the chances that I would've ran into him?! Literally no one goes through the wasteland. What was he even doing there?"
"Could ask you the same thing." The Seraphim retorted.
"I'm there because that's just where I've been the past two Extermination days - that's just where I go."
"Mm hm, and it has nothing to do with the Ancient Cathedral?" She asked.
"No! No. Why would it?"
The Seraphim nodded her head, satisfied with Carnyx's answers.
"Alright. I've come to a Verdict."
"Wait, verdict?!"
"Hush." The Sepharim flared, towering over Carnyx.
"I believe that you have a lot you need to explain, and I believe you should explain yourself to someone specific."
"Okay. Fine. Who?" Carnyx scoffed.
"Who do you think?" She answered as Carnyx noticed another angel approach, followed closely behind by another Seraphim.
"Oh... Shit." Carnyx forced a smile, trying to hide his sheepish nervousness as he waved.
"Hi, Emmy-"
"DON'T 'Emmy' me, Carn!" She folded her arms, giving him the look.
"I'm-... listen, I didn't hurt the guy! I just played with him a little." Carnyx tried to salvage the situation as best as he could, but she continued giving him the evil eye.
"I'm sorry." Carnyx apologized.
"Can we please go back to being friends now?"
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." Emma retorted.
Carnyx sighed.
"Right. I have business to return to. Have fun you three!" The Seraphim responsible for Carnyx flew away.
. . .
The Exterminator, the Seraphim, and the young winner Olga sat on a bench for a while.
"Does anyone else know?" Carnyx asked.
"Of your fraudulence or your incompetence?" Emma replied.
"... Well, Exterminator-wise, yes, I guess." Carnyx clarified.
"No. Everyone just saw the picture of you chasing Church around. Of course, that's also why Adam lost his marbles at you."
"So, everyone just thinks I'm stupid then?"
"I don't think you're stupid." Olga chirped in.
"But yeah, everyone kinda does think you're an idiot." Emma answered.
This answer gave Carnyx peace.
"I can take being thought of as an idiot. I can live with that." He took a deep breath.
"How are you even an Exterminator? Why even be one?" Olga asked.
Carnyx took a moment to breathe.
"Because... As nice and great and perfect that Heaven is, I'm not happy."
Emma raised an eyebrow.
"You're... not happy? Why not?" She asked.
"Let me explain. See the wall here? Watch this." Carnyx aligned his hands against the light and put on a show using shadow puppets.
"When I was... well... I can't really say born. Made? Born? Made? Made. I'm going with made. When I was made, I thought I'd have a route picked out for me and everything would just be hunky-dory."
"Let me guess. It wasn't?" Olga asked.
"It wasn't." Carnyx answered.
"I remember." Emma joined Carnyx in the shadow-puppet exposition dump.
"Your wings weren't growing in, and you wanted to fly like everyone else... and the others made fun of you for not being able to fly, but you wanted to, so one day, you jumped."
"You saw me jump?!" Carnyx asked
"How do you think I got to you so fast?"
"I just thought you were there and I crashed next to you." He giggled.
"Anyway, yes. I met Caryn after he jumped off a cliff to prove he could fly."
"I made a full recovery, and am perfectly capable of flying on my own, I'll have you know!" Carnyx chirped.
"But... Yeah. Jumping off a cliff, word travels fast, and I didn't have many friends other than Emma. Anytime I tried to do anything, I just felt them staring at me, ready to judge me the moment I slip up or do something wrong."
The shadow puppets on the wall reflected Carn's words.
"They expect nothing from me but failure."
"So your solution was to become an Exterminator." Olga scolded.
"Because in Hell on the other hand-..." Emma butted in.
"-You're free to fly, to go, to WHOOSH, ZIM and ZOOM wherever you want to go, you're FREE from other's expectations, from their stink-eyed glances, free to be you." She explained.
"You still remember when I said that?" Carnyx and Emma's shadow puppets faced each other as they talked.
"Word for word." Emma smiled.
Her smile made Carnyx smile.
"As she said, because in Hell, I can just put on the Exterminator mask and, well, as Emma said, I'm just free to be me for a single day. And because I'm an Exterminator, no one bothers me. They see me and just leave." Carnyx explained, concluding the shadow-puppet play.
"How were you able to get away with not killing anyone?" Olga asked.
"Never said I didn't!" Carnyx saved face.
"One, there's almost nobody in the wasteland anyway. Two, I never talk about it, ever at all. Three, Hell is home to wild creatures that I do plunge a weapon into to keep myself covered, just in case anyone gets skeptical. Four, the few demons who've actually tried to confront me just see the Exterminator and not the person beneath it, allowing me to meander throughout Hell's wasteland to my content."
"And now with the photograph of you chasing Church, the idea of you being soft is set aside, due to your incompetence saving their..." Emma fumbled for words for a moment.
"Their wings?" Carnyx suggested.
"Yeah, those."
"So your whole gig is "fake it 'till you make it"?" Olga asked.
"I kinda did make it. I got what I wanted - a day out of the year where I can be myself and not worry about what anyone thinks about me."
"Because you fear their judgement." Olga recalled.
"I don't-..." Carnyx caught himself.
"They're just pricks who won't get off my back over something stupid I did a long time ago, and it's all anyone thinks of when they see me.
"I want people to see me for... well... me, like Emma does!" Carnyx answered.
"So as an Exterminator, you hide your face under a mask to scare anyone away, but you're free to be yourself, but in Heaven where everyone can see your true face, they only see your past and refuse to look beyond it." Olga guessed.
"Said it better than I ever could." Carnyx sighed.
"That's... a little messed up."
"That's what I said." Emma commented.
. . .
The three angels continued sitting on the bench for a while longer.
"I'm sorry for attacking your brother. I didn't know at the time because, well..."
"Slacker" Olga teased.
"But seriously, thank you for... not killing him. I'm glad it was you and not someone else." She added.
"I don't think he's glad that it was me at all." Carnyx chuckled.
There was a shared silence between the three of them.
"Well! It seems your reconciliation is going well." Emma jumped from her seat.
"Carn, sorry to do this to you, but you still messed up, and you still need to be punished and sentenced."
"Emmy, please, wait-"
"Na, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Olga gets to define the punishment. I get to see to the sentence. So what's it going to be, Olga?"
Olga took a deep breath.
"To be honest, Carnyx, I see a lot of my brother in you - more than you think."
"Please, whatever it is, do not kick me out of the-"
"Hush, Carn. Let her finish." Emma pat his shoulder.
"I remember doing some stupid things when I was alive. VERY stupid things..."
"Eh, Olga? The sentence?" Emma butted in.
"I want to figure out why Church is in Hell, but I need help. Emma is great, but she's also a Seraphim with duties and a schedule. You on the other hand, Carny - may I call you Carny?"
"I-"
"Never mind. It's part of your sentence - I get to call you Carny. As for the sentence itself, YOU get to help me." Olga pointed.
"... Okay? But with what, though?" Carnyx asked.
"I... have a plan: We're going to figure out why Church is in Hell, and we're going to... somehow find a way to make him permanently exempt from Extermination day, forever!"
"Uh, yeah. It's called not being a Sinner demon."
Emma proceeded to smack Carnyx across the back of his head.
"And your sentence, Carny, is until we accomplish that goal, YOU are going to help me achieve this!"
Carnyx couldn't help but giggle.
"You're... you're not serious? Like... My boss probably only only agreed to make Church exempt because it was for this year and there's always next year. How did you even get him to agree with you? I seriously want to know."
"If we told you, we'd have to kill you." Emma answered jokingly.
"Fine I'll stop asking about it then."
"But yes - that is your sentence! You are gonna help me rescue Church from Extermination Day and if possible, Hell!"
Carnyx kinda laughed, not knowing how to respond.
"What your asking is literally impossible. It's about as likely as Sinner Demons being redeemable, which is already impossible!"
"Yeah bullshit. With God, all things are possible." Olga retorted.
Carnyx blinked, bamboozled by her attitude.
"And where did you learn THAT from?!"
"Pastor's kid."
"DUDE-" Carnyx facepalmed, then turned to Emma.
"Emmy, you CAN'T be serious! Olga's goal is actually insane at best and impossible at worst. I'll basically be stuck here in Heaven for all eternity! Pleeeeease, Emma, you CAN'T be serious-"
"Na-ah. Olga gets to decide the punishment. You gotta serve it. I get to enforce it." Emma answered.
Thank you for reading A Hope in Hell (aka, Hell's Answered Prayer)! I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts. If you've spotted an inconsistency, let me know so I can fix it. I don't always spy them in post, so it's always nice to have someone tell me as soon as possible!
Thank you for your time and I hope you have a good rest of your day!
STORY Fixes!
- The ending with the exterminator. When I first wrote the fic back in 2021/22, it was before the show dropped and showed Heaven, so I had to rewrite it and I might have to rewrite it again because I have no idea if what I wrote will stick. I have no idea what I did right or wrong, so it's either going to work, or it isn't.
I mean, I already wrote the whole thing once before, so how badly can rewriting it a third time be?