Chapter CXVII: Control

"What were you searching for?"

Yami could tell Yusei was trying desperately to distract him and himself from the revelation he'd just dropped on him. He supposed he understood the necessity, as he knew it'd been unwelcome in general. He should have kept the words to himself, kept his mouth shut and his voice quiet. But he'd wanted so badly to say that for so long and telling Yugi would have just made the Gandora puff up with outrage and argue with him. And to tell Atem…

He couldn't tell him. He loved him too much. It would destroy the Sky Dragon. Atem would shoulder that burden as if he'd personally summoned Yami and carved his fate with his own claws.

Yami smiled faintly. "I was searching for Dimitri."

"…You can see him?"

"I can. When he lets me." Yami paused. "I've forced it before, but it wound up leaving me shaking and breathing hard for hours after. My head felt like it might burst and my heart wouldn't slow. But he's not as good at hiding from me as he likes to pretend. He thinks I'm blind unless he makes a decision, but sometimes I can see into the future if it regards myself or Yugi. So sometimes I see where he is and what he's doing."

Yusei blinked. "Lets you?"

"Yes. We both have the ability to block each other or anyone else spying on us." He glanced over. "I guess Leviathan never told you I spoke to him through the water once?"

The Ice Dragon blinked huge eyes. "You spoke to him through a vision?"

"He wanted to see me. And I block the two of you." He glanced at him sideways. "Atem taught me your auras when I was younger. He taught me to tell you apart from anyone else. And I always remembered because of how scared he was when he did. So I recognized him immediately and I decided to speak to him rather than block him away."

Yusei took a seat, tilting his head and peering into the water. "So where is he?"

"I can't find him for the moment. I assume he'll find it fun to tease me with images later. But for the moment he's blocked me. I'll have to wait and try again." Yami cast a quick glance at the water. Atem materialized for only a moment, speaking to Timaeus who sat feet away. They looked grave and tired, though Timaeus kept flexing his claws as if he meant to sink them into someone's flesh. Yusei blinked and stared, head tilted with bewilderment. "You don't see visions as quickly as Dimitri and I. But that's Atem in the present. He's talking to Timaeus. I can only see him so clearly when he's talking rather than acting on something. Every other moment he's using his abilities without knowing it and that makes it nearly impossible to track him."

Yusei hummed and nodded slowly. "So it's because he's basically survival incarnate?" Yami smirked at the wry remark and saw Yusei grin. But his royal blue eyes became troubled after a moment. "So, what happens when Atem and Dimitri cross paths? Why have you been trying so hard to prevent it?"

Yami hesitated, then looked over. "Yusei, if Atem loses a heart, he's going to lose every ounce of himself. He's going to become raw power, survival incarnate, and he's going to turn on everything and everyone. It won't matter if you're allies now. He's going to rip every dragon to pieces the moment he spots them, because he won't know the difference. Why do you think he struggled so hard just today to keep from killing the three of you? He has control of it, but it's limited. He doesn't have sole power over it because he's never consciously touched that instinct. He did today and he struggled. The one time he actively touched it and he almost lost complete control. Jaden thought he'd gone into a rage, but what actually happened was Atem lost himself for a few seconds. And those few seconds almost cost Jaden his life."

"So…why can't he control it?"

"Because Atem isn't violent at his core. If he was the monster they all whisper about to keep their hatchlings in line, he would have no problem with it. He'd be all-powerful all the time rather than only in battle." Yami glanced at the water again. Atem was still speaking to Timaeus and Yami thought he saw his own name formed by his father's mouth, but he couldn't be sure. "For Atem to keep control and let challengers live when he obeyed his own rules, he had to temper his abilities even though he never knew he was touching them. But now he's tasted them and he's afraid of what it almost made him do. He won't touch it again if he can avoid it, and I don't think Dimitri can be killed without that."

"Unless you die alongside him."

He nodded and looked over. "It's a horrible feeling. I want to save myself. I want to save my parents. But I don't want to die, Yusei. I'm terrified." He blinked. "And Timaeus… He'll die with me. What do I do about that? I brought him back and when I die, he'll fade with me for no other reason than I was meant to die the moment I was born."

The God Dragon flinched as if he'd struck him, then looked away immediately. He blinked and flexed his claws, opening and closing his mouth twice. Yami tried to read at his thoughts, but his head ached too much with his own words.

"I… The most I can tell you is to spend time with them while you have it," he said finally, looking over and shaking his head. "Your father doesn't need to know what happened to bring you about. All he needs to know is you love him. And Yugi… He should be kept in the dark anyways, or he's going to bite you in the face for even suggesting ill of Atem."

Yami laughed. "He would, too," he snickered, flicking his tail. "He's bite me hard enough to scar. No one speaks badly of Atem and gets away with it."

Yusei smiled tightly. "Are you bitter?"

He blinked. "About this?" he asked quietly. "No. I'm not bitter. I'm not… I'm sad. I'm bitter that I don't get to live at the end of this all. But I'm not bitter that I'll have to exchange my life for Atem's—or Yugi's, or yours, Leviathan's, or even Jaden's. I'm bitter in the fact that I have so much power and so much potential and yet… I don't know how to use it and I don't know how to save myself."

Yusei opened his mouth.

"But maybe I was never meant to. Maybe I was never meant to save myself. Maybe the world just needs one more loss to balance it, like it did with the fifth God Dragon. Or maybe I'll just be a fable told to hatchlings to shut them up when they ask for stories. Maybe I'm just not meant to be here. And maybe Dimitri never was, either. Maybe the two of us… Maybe we shouldn't have come to exist and now we need to go back." Yami tilted his head. "I don't know all of that. I just know that I want Atem and Yugi to live and I…I wish I could as well, but if I can't then I'd rather it be with certainty of their survival that I die."

The Ice Dragon stared blankly for a moment. "You're a lot braver than we ever gave you credit for."

Yami shook his head, warmth swelling through him for the first time in what felt like forever. "I'm not," he murmured. "I'm trying to be, but I'm scared. And fear doesn't drive bravery. It's just what I imagine Yugi would say if he was told this was his choice. I emulate them both so much that sometimes I forget where they end and I begin."

Yusei snorted. "I feel like every hatchling feels like that for a while."

Yami smirked. "I'm sure we all do. After all, where would we be without our parents?"

Yusei nodded, looking down at the pool again. Yami risked a glance but didn't put forth the effort of searching. It was tiring at times and he was exhausted just admitting all of this. He looked down and flexed his claws as Yusei continued peering.

"What do you think spared me?"

Yami blinked. "Hmm?"

"If Sartorius went mad from seeing your father and yourself… What spared me?"

He tilted his head. "Oh. You mean what protected you?" He laughed. "You're immune. Atem's ability—the aspect that drives others to madness; you're immune to it. You can't see him, but you didn't go insane when you did."

Yusei snorted. "Some immunity. It doesn't protect me from Jaden."

"Have you ever tried blocking him?" Yami muttered, curious. "I'd assume you'd be able to if you actually tried to. But the two of you are almost always allies, so you've never really had a reason to, right?"

The Ice Dragon blinked. "I guess not."

Yami glanced at the water again, blinking, and finally rose to a stand. "Thank you for keeping me company," he muttered, giving him a small smile. "But I need to speak to Atem and Yugi, and I need to find a way to face Dimitri."

Yusei hesitated. "Where did Jaden find you?"

"In the village beneath the mountains." Yami blinked. "Why?"

"When you…were there… Why didn't you run before Jaden could get to you? Why did you let him catch up to you and risk his death by Atem's claws?"

"I didn't. I…I asked the shaman to put me into a trance and I went into a deep sleep that didn't allow me to wake when he tried to get me to. I was still dazed and recovering when Jaden came to find me. I barely dodged when he struck at me and I couldn't hold him off on my own. So…I knew Atem would sense him and he'd come for him the moment he realized. So I stalled."

"You could have been killed."

"No. Atem would never have let that happen." Yami smiled. "Atem isn't omnipotent or all-powerful, but he's fast and I knew he sensed Jaden. It was just a matter of Jaden leaving the humans so he would give chase."

Yusei tilted his head. "And what would have happened if you'd been unable to get out of the village before Jaden attacked?"

"I'd have summoned him there."

The God Dragon fell silent for a long moment, then tilted his head. "What did you do to Jaden?" he asked, and hurried to add, "After you healed him. You bit him and… Why?"

"Because I wanted to heal him. I couldn't do much, but I alleviated some of the worst of his memories where Sartorius tainted them. I changed them so that they were no longer…so poisonous." He paused. "Yubel didn't do half of the things Jaden believes she did. Sartorius twisted a lot of it around to make it seem like the Gandora species as a whole was the problem so he'd eventually kill Yugi before Yugi and Atem could ever cross paths."

Yusei bristled faintly, startled, and then laughed softly. "I feel like I should have known Sartorius was capable of something like that. He was so…strong and wild. None of us knew what he was going to do or when."

"You mean of the three of you," Yami answered, flicking his tail. "Because Ironheart did. He knew exactly what Sartorius was and could become if he remained alive. I don't understand entirely why he didn't see to it that he was killed as a hatchling, but I guess maybe it's something I wasn't meant to."

Yusei peered at him for a moment. "Ironheart did what he felt was best at the time. There was no right or wrong… Not then. I think if it wasn't Jaden, it would have been me. Leviathan… For whatever reason he's never cared to reproduce. No one really knows why, but it doesn't matter, I guess."

Yami blinked. "You believe that?"

"What? That Leviathan doesn't care to mate?"

He snorted. "No, that if it wasn't Jaden it would have been you."

"Oh. Well…yes," he answered awkwardly. "Ironheart said I was too strong for my own good and any kin I directly influenced would become monsters. You don't get much clearer than that."

Yami sighed softly. "Sartorius was going to happen one way or another, just as Keith and Dimitri and I would. If Atem hadn't mated with Yugi, it would have been the Uria. I was always going to happen because Dimitri always was." He paused. "But I don't think there's anymore room for monsters, Yusei. I think there's only room for consequences and forgiveness."

Atem shook himself out as he padded along. The snow fell in dense flurries for a moment, heavy and brilliant in front of his eyes. He was used to it. He'd summoned blizzards before when he'd been late bringing about snow when he was too wounded to muster the strength to breathe ice. Now was nowhere near as intense; though the flakes were huge, they were not as plentiful. He could see for yards ahead rather than mere inches, and Atem wasn't blind in the flurry as he had been once before.

He glanced about. Timaeus was a few feet behind him, trailing and grumbling under his breath about the ice. Atem wondered if it even put a strain on him. He'd always been in Atem's region and snow blanketed the entire area, not just his territory, during winter. Likely he wasn't as used to the immensity of the snowfall. Atem hadn't summoned something like this in a long time…

"I can't wait to lay down."

Atem snorted and looked over his shoulder, smirking. "You lazy slug, you're always laying down."

"It's my favorite thing to do. Thanks for noticing."

He snickered. "It's a wonder Critias even knew how to play."

Timaeus scoffed, "It's not my fault you're a lightweight and ran around all the time because you had too much energy."

"You say that, but somehow you managed to keep him preoccupied."

"My wing wasn't broken when I was raising him. Also, Atem, no one has the same amount of energy you did or do." Timaeus snorted. "If Yugi even tried to keep up, he'd die of exhaustion."

The Sky Dragon stopped short, going to respond, and then faltered. There was a strong scent in the air, heavy and metallic, which burned his tongue as he drew a breath. He blinked and paused, sorting through the aromas he could catch with his bottom mouth, and then focused on them as he drew in another breath with his top. He flexed his claws and tilted his head.

That smelled of Yugi.

But there was…so much of it.

And it was strong…

Atem bristled and raised his head, drawing in another mouthful of air. He held it, sorting through, and shivered. He turned and rushed for the den, entire body rigid with tension. His legs were burning by the time he got to the entrance, and his claws flexed painfully as he stopped short.

There was blood everywhere.

The snow was crushed in several places. The ground was littered with scales and flesh. He could see spears of bone about some of the spots. A rock had been unearthed and slathered in red. Patches of dirt had been struck up with claw marks.

"Yugi?" he spat, looking around rapidly. The blood went in two directions in some areas, where one combatant had been thrown through the air. He could see arcs where blood had sprayed and drenched the ground. In one spot a clump of flesh lay half-buried in white snow, and in another what looked to be broken teeth and even a splintered claw.

Atem glanced around quickly again, cursing under his breath, and took the path that looked the most worn. There was a spot that looked as if the ice had been melted altogether as if with a blast of fire, and the ground was exposed with streaks of black and red. Atem could see where a tree had been hit and burned and another few teeth had been scattered about.

The blood changed scent there.

Yugi had been beating them before. And now it was his blood that drenched the snow. Where the other dragon had been knocked all but senseless—and Atem recognized the smell but couldn't focus enough to name it—now Yugi had gotten a similar beating. The amount of blood was nauseating and Atem looked about frantically as he raced forward once more.

A tree had been knocked out of place, the roots jarring and upturned, dirt flung about. Blood trailed the length of it, and Atem noticed with shock it wasn't Yugi's. The Gandora had flipped the battle again, striking so hard he'd likely broken some bones. But again the scent had changed and he halted with a backwards glance.

Timaeus was trailing him, looking around with huge eyes.

Atem blinked, stared for a moment, and then snarled as he whipped around again. He trotted ahead, bristling harder, and called his mate's name again. There was only silence to greet him, and his ears rang with the blood pounding through his veins. His bones burned and his muscles itched as he continued forward.

Yugi… He looked around again.

There were more signs Yugi had pummeled his opponent. A huge clump of flesh lay half-buried, teal scales lining the bulk of it. Blood haloed another overturned tree. Another series of scorch marks burned the ground to a crisp. A tree had toppled into another, and a clump of dispatched snow was the only pure thing in the clearing.

He spat and hurried forward again.

Timaeus slammed into him when he halted abruptly.

The Gandora lay with his head stretched out, blood bubbling from his jaws. His paws were braced by his sides, his wings torn and tattered. His tail seemed almost barely attached, his eyes squeezed shut. His throat was ripped open and spewing red in rivulets and his entire body shook with cold.

Atem sprang forward, numb. "Yugi."

The Gandora didn't respond for a moment. Then an eye cracked open. He blinked blearily, twisted his head just enough to look over, and shook harder. Atem stopped beside him, faltering. What was he supposed to do? What…?

"Yugi…"

Yugi blinked, stared at him with unfocused eyes, and shifted as if he meant to stand. Atem leaned forward when he realized Yugi was trying to reach him, and almost flinched when the Gandora ran his tongue over his face. His breathing gurgled and he shook again, but his mouth had twisted into a smile and his eyes seemed impossibly bright despite the loss of blood.

Atem blinked, opening and closing his mouth.

Yugi's head bobbed, then dropped, and his body ceased shaking a split second later.